The Drop In

Previously on the West Wing: Leo didn't care overly much for the colourful, drunken, womanizing Lord John Marbury; Marbury had trouble remembering that Leo isn't the butler; Toby told Sam he would prefer not paint pretty political pictures in the "interest of greater oratory"; Leo chided Toby for messing up on the leadership breakfast.

Situation Room. Many military types are working quietly, with radio communications barely audible in the background. Leo comes in, asking if they're patched in to the Pentagon. One fellow confirms that they are; Leo impatiently asks why he can't hear anything. Over the communications system, a voice announces that it's fifteen seconds to launch. Leo: "Okay, why don't you just tell me to shut up?" The voice starts the countdown; the target is launched. Leo wonders how long he has; one of the guys tells him he has two minutes and ten seconds. Leo says he's going to see if he can get the President to come watch this.

In the Oval Office, POTUS is making chitchat with a Mr. Sumatra. They are accompanied by several other people, including Charlie and a woman who must be Mrs. Sumatra, and some representative of the government, whose job includes presenting potential ambassadors to the President. We later learn that this position is the Chief of Protocol, and is part of the State Department. Jed mentions that he hears Sumatra is a sports fan; Sumatra mentions that he likes golf. Jed takes advantage of Sumatra's basically defenseless situation to trash the guy's sport. "Okay, well, golf's not a sport. It's fine -- don't get me wrong -- but let's not you and I confuse it with things that men do." Ow! My freaking ears! Folksy is one thing but this wacky grammar's gotta go. This from a guy who knows you can't modify "unique"? Sumatra bears the mild insult with the good humour expected of a guy who's about to get a plum position. POTUS mentions that they're going to Bangkok in June, and Mr. Sumatra mentions a hotel called The Oriental. Jed suggests that it's the best hotel in the world; Mr. Sumatra points out that James Michener wrote many of his novels while staying there, and that one of his typewriters remains in the suite named after him. Jed tells Charlie to make sure he sees that when they're there; Charlie duly adds it to his long mental list of "Things I Have To Remember Because My Boss Never Will." Small talk dispensed with, Jed turns to the government official, whose name is Tom, and indicates that he's ready to get on with things. Tom says, "Mr. President, it is with pleasure that I present His Excellency, Tada Sumatra of Thailand, and by request of the Secretary of State, ask that you accept his credentials from King Bhumobil Adulyadej as Thailand's Ambassador to the United States." Sumatra hands over his SAT scores and transcripts -- sorry, I mean his "Letter of Credence" from the king. Jed says that he accepts the letter, and by affixing his signature and seal, hereby declares him to be an "Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary." And there's a phrase that I'm making a macro for right now, since I'm going to need it about eighteen more times in this recap. Professor Frink thought this was a great title, so I immediately conferred upon him the title of "Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary for Mathematics and Cool Gadgets" in the banana republic known as our household. Jed says, as he and Sumatra shake hands, "May our people know peace and prosperity. Congratulations." Jed indicates that they have some gifts for him (I'd love to know what...probably not the buckets of trendy, overpriced goodies that presenters get at award shows...man, would I like one of those buckets/baskets/what-have-you ["Deborah, I promise that when the Embies are televised and you get to present the award for Most Annoying Non-Teen Character, we'll get you the biggest big-ass basket and full it with every Burt's Bees product on the market. Oh, and Crane's stationery embossed with your monogram. For a start." -- Wing Chun]) and that they're going to pose for some pictures.

Charlie makes a quiet escape at this point, and tells Mrs. Landingham on his way out that POTUS has about another two minutes, and then he's got to pull him. She says that's okay. Leo shows up, asking whether he can pull the President. Charlie asks whether he should say it's an emergency; Leo says it's not, but it's time-sensitive. While Charlie goes to the Oval Office, Leo and Mrs. L. take a few shots at each other. He sees her staring at him and asks, "What are you looking at?" She says accusingly, "You're testing that preposterous contraption again." Leo replies, "It's not preposterous, it's not a contraption, and mind your own business." She says, "In my day, we knew how to protect ourselves." Leo's retort: "Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't ya?" Low blow, but bwah! She doesn't miss a beat: "Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit." Leo: "Sharpen a pencil, would ya?" Leo manages to make this last sentence carry the weight of "shove it."

At this point Jed emerges to see what Leo wants. When Leo tells him the target's in the air and that they're going to launch the intercept any moment, Jed replies, "And I'm sure somebody'll come along soon thereafter and tell me it didn't work." Leo doesn't appreciate Jed's attitude and asks, "What do I get if it works?" Jed tells him, "Well, I can't make you Thailand's ambassador to the U.S. 'cause I just signed that guy's letter." Leo tells him to come with him to the Situation Room. Jed and Mrs. L. exchange mildly weary looks.

Out in the hall, Jed tells Leo that he is the Charlie Brown of defense, and that the Pentagon is Lucy. Leo, amazingly, has no idea what Jed is talking about. Jed explains, "Peanuts. Charlie Brown." Leo elaborates, "I've heard of them, I'm just not conversant in 'em." Oh, dear. Jed: "Why?" Leo says, "I've never read the comics." Jed asks, "Leo, were you born at the age of fifty-five?" Leo volunteers, "I know that there's a dog." Jed goes on to explain Lucy and Charlie's annual ritual of her convincing him to kick a football that she's holding, only to pull it away, gleefully, at the last second. Each time Charlie swears he won't fall for it again and each year she finds a new way to trick him into it. While Jed is recounting all this, they are walking through what seem like miles of hallway to the Situation Room. Leo doesn't see what's funny about Charlie Brown falling on his butt; Jed explains that it's satirical. Leo asks, "What's it satirizing?" Jed replies, "The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room every time they run a new missile test so that you can come tell me how great it works so that I'll put money in the NMD system." Leo responds, "You should put money in the NMD system." Jed: "It doesn't work." Leo insists it will work, "one day soon." Yes, and the Great Pumpkin will be here any minute, too. As they approach the Situation Room, Leo warns Jed, "There are a couple of three-star generals in there. Call 'em 'Lucy' and you're on your own."

As they enter, one guy informs Jed that the "Kill Vehicle is on a clear trajectory." There are fifty seconds until it hits the target. A colonel walks Jed through the scenario: "Approximately three minutes ago, a missile was launched with a simulated nuclear warhead from the Kwajalein Atoll in the South Pacific." Jed: "And it's going to hit my garage in New Hampshire exactly when?" The colonel says, "Once the missile cleared cloud cover, it was detected by the early warning satellites, which launched an interceptor, or 'kill vehicle.'" Jed walks over to the wall of maps and radar screens. A radio voice says, "Ten seconds to SRB sep." Another guy explains, "'SRB sep' is 'solid rocket booster separation, and that means the high-resolution radar on the ground has gotten a 'lock-on' signal from the Kill Vehicle." Everyone quietly listens to the voices on the radio communications describing various events. Jed paces; Leo checks his watch. Jed asks, "So what happens now?" Leo explains that in twenty seconds it will collide with the nuclear warhead. Jed: "Where?" Leo: "In outer space." The colonel adds, "Seventeen miles above the earth's atmosphere." Jed: "Okay, but we don't have anybody out there right now, do we?" Leo admonishes him in a low voice: "Sir." Guess not everyone finds POTUS as amusing as I do. Jed then tells Leo that when they stay at the Oriental in Bangkok, they have to check out James Michener's typewriter. Leo has no idea how to respond to this non sequitur. They hear the countdown; after one, there's not much sound from anywhere, either in the room or over the radio. We get shots of the military bigwigs looking disappointed. Jed asks Leo, "Is that silence usually a pretty good sign?" Leo tells him it isn't. The radio voice says that the warhead has overshot its target. Jed remarks, "It was just enthusiastic." Leo wants to know by how much it missed the target. The guy to Leo says, "One-three-seven." Leo says sadly, "We missed it by a hundred and thirty-seven feet?" The guy to him corrects him: "Miles." Leo's incredulous: "We missed it by a hundred and thirty-seven miles?" Jed helpfully comments, "When you consider the size of outer space, Leo, that's not so bad." Leo seems about to say something sharp to Jed when Jed adds, "By the way, the words you're looking for are, 'Oh, good grief!'"

I don't think it should take three pages to describe the first six minutes of a show. ["It shouldn't, but it does, sometimes." -- Wing Chun]

After the commercials, C.J.'s holding a press briefing, describing the ceremony by which people are made ambassadors to the United States. She basically explains everything already covered in the Sumatra scene above, so I'm not going to reiterate it here. One reporter asks if there's a particular order in which ambassadors are received; basically, they're taken according to the order in which they arrived in Washington. Sumatra arrived from Thailand first; then POTUS will be seeing Peter Hans of Sweden, followed by Her Excellency Renee Ernesto of Argentina, then Noah Jola of Burkina Faso. She adds, "The newly named British Ambassador will be arriving in the United States just as soon as he's been newly named." The reporters are confused, thinking that someone had already been named, but he withdrew due to family obligations. His replacement withdrew due to severe illness. Since we've already seen Roger Rees in the previews and his name in the credits, I think we can pretty much assume that Lord John Marbury has a new job. (And yes, I'm aware that it should probably be John, Lord Marbury, but this is what the show's calling him, so that's what we're going with.) C.J. says as soon as she knows who it is, she'll tell them. She basically dismisses them, but as they leave, she wants to know whether any of them want to know who's been here the longest. "The dean of the diplomatic corps, anybody? Guys, you know, I study these things just for you." Everyone chatters amongst themselves as they disperse, ignoring C.J. She announces, "It's Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia."

As C.J. and Carol leave the room, C.J. complains, "I could have also told them that Burkina Faso has a population of eleven million, and in even years, they host Africa's largest crafts market." Carol enthusiastically says, "Yes." C.J. wants a chance to use this knowledge. It arrives in the form of Sam. He comes up to them and she says, "You know the chief crops of Burkina Faso?" Sam, astonishingly, doesn't. C.J. recites, "Millet, sorghum, rice, peanuts, and cotton." Sam couldn't (or could) care less. Pick whichever you like. He tells her to mention in her afternoon briefing that they've accepted a last-minute invitation for the President to address the Global Defense council tomorrow night, since their keynote speaker fell through. Sam explains that they're going to use this opportunity to launch CARE, and that's what he wants her to announce. Sam explains that CARE stands for Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort. C.J. pretends to know what it's about; Sam insists she doesn't. In her defense, C.J. point out that she's not involved in the nuances of environmental policy. Sam says, "Which will come as a relief to environmentalists." He says he'll brief her later. She reminds him that she knew the crops of Burkina Faso.

C.J. takes off, and we follow Sam into a meeting in, I believe, the Roosevelt Room. He asks the numerous assistants in the room, which include Ginger and Bonnie, whether they've heard from Toby. They haven't. No one knows whether he's landed yet, either. Wonder where he was? We then get to see how much fun it is to work for Sam. He starts reciting the beginning of the speech they're working on to launch CARE. After a few sentences, he asks if somebody got that. Ginger says they got it. Sam says he didn't see anybody writing. Bonnie points out he already wrote it. Sam says he just added something. Ginger assures him they've got it. He continues overexplaining that the piece he added sets up "the reveal." Ginger cheerfully agrees. Sam continues speechifying, and asks whether someone's verifying the statistics he's citing and the claims he's making. Bonnie assures him that someone's checking. Sam insists he wants to cite three different sources. "And we don't know if Toby's back?" Bonnie says, "Sam! You'll know as soon as we do." Ginger, who just picked up her cell phone, probably to order in some tranquillizers for Sam, looks toward the door and gestures with her phone, saying, "Sam?" Sam asks, "Is it Toby?" The phone hasn't rung, mind you. ["She could have had it on vibrate?" -- Wing Chun] Ginger says, "Yes." Sam asks if he can have the phone; Ginger points out that Toby's over by the door.

As Sam leaves, he cites a statistic about respiratory illness and reminds them that he wants three sources. He asks Toby how his trip was; Toby sighs wearily and says it was fine. Sam tells Toby about POTUS accepting an invitation to speak at the GDC conference tomorrow night and launch CARE. Toby seems pretty unhappy about this and wants to know when this decision was made (last night) and why he wasn't involved (Sam assumed there was consensus). Toby's really annoyed that he was left out of the decision: "I have a damn telephone, Sam!" Sam tells him that the decision was made in a meeting attended by him, Carl Taub of the EPA, and somebody named Jane Ziskin. Sam tries to point out that Toby's been looking for an opportunity to launch this initiative, but Toby's still asking questions: "Leo wasn't there?" Sam still doesn't see what the problem is. Toby points out that there are a number of problems, and if Sam had gotten him on the phone, he could have told him about them. Problem number one: "We already blew off the AFL-CIO 'cause we told them the President was going to be in South America." Sam points out that the South America thing fell through. Toby says sarcastically, "Instead, he's speaking to labour's good friend, the environmental lobby. Also, he's the President of the United States. He's nobody's understudy! You've got him going out there like Joey Bishop." Sam acknowledges all that, but points out that POTUS was very enthusiastic. Toby says of course he was. Sam expands on this, saying he wasn't in there twisting his arm. Sam told POTUS the opportunity had come up and that he had enough notes to finish the speech in time. Jed asked a few questions, and said yes. Toby relents, saying, "All right, all right, all right." As Sam leaves, he assures Toby it's going to be a good speech. Just then Ginger comes in and Toby quietly tells her, "I need to see Leo."

Over in Josh's office, C.J.'s voice in on the speaker phone. Josh is standing against the wall behind his door, in what looks like a slightly uncomfortable posture. C.J.'s saying, "It's not going to be Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach." Josh says, "I heard." She repeats this, and Josh repeats that he heard. C.J. replies, "But I like to say, 'Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach." Josh wants to know who it's going to be; C.J. doesn't know. She's waiting to hear from the State Department. She adds, "Maybe it will be Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach." Josh asks, "Can I stop talking to you now?" C.J. asks him what he's doing; he explains he's standing with his back straight against the wall, because doctors told him it would relax him. If you can't tell that Donna's about to come busting in and crash the door against Josh, I just don't know if I can help you. She does, and C.J. hangs up. Josh just stand there in his long-suffering way, closing the door behind Donna and asking what she wants. She wants to know if Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury. Apparently some reporter asked her. Josh, in his usual tactful way, wants to know, "What's a reporter doing talking to you?" Donna says it's a friend of a friend. Josh says, "Leo McGarry has nothing but respect and affection for John Marbury." Donna says that's what she said. Josh replies, "Good, because Leo thinks he's a lunatic." Donna says he's very handsome. Josh replies that may be so, but reiterates Leo's opinion.

Donna: Are you threatened by [Marbury's] brilliance?
Josh: No.
Donna: You seem threatened by his brilliance.
Josh: How do you know he's brilliant?
Donna: I saw his picture.
Josh: I'm not threatened by his brilliance, nor am I threatened by his good looks.
Donna: How about his charm?
Josh: I'm not threatened at all.
Donna: I'm sorry, I meant Leo.
Josh: Neither Leo or [sic] I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful that there's an ocean between us.
Donna: There isn't anymore.
Josh: Please...don't tell me...

Donna announces that he's the new British Ambassador. Josh exhales very heavily. He gets up to go stand against the wall again, as Donna adds that Marbury is "dreamy." Her taste in men generally leaves a lot to be desired. He leans against the wall, as Donna hustles out, heaving the door against Josh again.

After some commercials, Toby enters Josh's office. Josh says, "Okay, what I need people to do is knock." Toby says he did. Josh wants him to wait for a response. Toby wants to know why he should do that. Josh says, "Because I coulda been relaxing by standing behind that door." Toby, mystified: "All right." They start pedeconferencing. Toby wants to talk about the GDC speech; Josh quickly points out that he didn't think it was a good idea, and said so. Toby thinks that doesn't seem to have helped, and complains that they can't be at the beck and call of the environment. Josh suggests they could try insulting them. Toby says yes; Josh says he's kidding. Toby says he's not. Josh says, "We were invited." Toby doesn't care. Josh asks him what he has. Toby's issue is that environmental terrorists burned down a ski resort and the GDC didn't comment. Josh asks why they burned down the resort; Toby replies, "To save the lynx." Josh: "The links? Environmental terrorists burned down a ski resort to save a golf course?" Toby clarifies that a lynx is an animal. ["Heh. The joke kind of loses something written out in print." -- Wing Chun] Josh indicates that Sam will have strong objections. Toby knows. Josh wants to know if Toby wants him to talk to Leo; Toby says he'll speak to him, but he wants Josh to speak to C.J. He tells Josh that the Will Rogers Dinner is going to ask Cornelius Sykes to host. Josh can't believe it. Josh says cryptically, "He didn't laugh at the joke." Toby says, "Talk to C.J." As Josh turns to go, Toby asks, "Why do you relax by standing behind a door?" Josh explains, "I'm not standing behind the door, I'm standing with my back straight against the wall so I..." Toby interrupts, "I don't care," and walks off. year for Chanukah, I'm getting Toby a copy of How To Win Friends and Influence People. His people skills really do need a bit of work.

Leo's on the phone in his office with someone named Keith, arguing. "I can't tell him that. I can't tell him nine out of ten things went right. He's gonna say, 'Yeah, but we didn't hit anything.'" He ends his call as Toby comes in. He tells Toby they ran an NMD test that morning, and were successful on nine out of ten criteria. Toby says, "We missed?" Leo confirms this; Toby asks by how much. Leo kind of hedges, saying once you miss, it doesn't matter by how much. He finally tells Toby, "A hundred and thirty-seven miles." Toby mentions the GDC speech; Leo points out he wasn't in the meeting. Toby wants to know how it happened; Leo insists it just happened fast. Sam pitched it and POTUS wanted to do it. Toby wants to know how Leo could have not been in that meeting. Leo replies, "'Cause I'm trying to get the President to warm up to a missile shield that's supposed to save humanity and there is a limit to the number of rooms I can be in at once! You want to file a complaint?" Toby does not. He says, "Here's what I think..." Leo supplies, "Screw the environmental lobby?" Toby's irritated: "Did I say that? Did I say 'Screw the environmental lobby'?" No, but you wanted to. He keeps going off on Leo for a moment until Leo apologizes. Toby continues, "There's an extent to which we've got to screw the environmental lobby." I knew it. "A clear and public demonstration that the President's not beholden to them is not a bad idea right now." Leo inquires, "You think he should walk into their ballroom and smack 'em around?" Toby: "I really do, for thirty seconds, out of a forty-minute address announcing an initiative they love." Leo asks how he thinks they'll feel about the thirty seconds. Toby replies, "Not that good, but that's the point. We don't have to move to our right if there's an opportunity to spank the people to our left." Leo wonders if there's anything in particular for which to "spank 'em." Toby announces, "Failing to publicly admonish acts of eco-terrorism." Leo says the GDC doesn't do that; Toby points out they've failed to publicly admonish those who do. He tells Leo about the ski-resort incident; Leo's not entirely sure what a lynx is. Come on, people, I don't think a lynx is all that arcane an animal, is it? Not like a zebu, say. ["I agree." -- Wing Chun] Toby's erudite explanation: "I don't know, I think it's like a possum or something." How did these people all score like, nine thousand on their SATs? Leo agrees and tells Toby to instruct Sam to find a place for it. Toby doesn't want it in the advance text, though, and doesn't want to deal with Sam and his "fourteen objections" for what should just be a drop-in. Leo says he'll talk to the President. Leo asks if there's anything else. Toby says, "A hundred and thirty-seven miles? Is that a lot?" Leo says yeah. Toby says okay and leaves.

Sam's in the Briefing Room with C.J. and a few other people I presume are various assistants and flunkies. Sam says they'll have thirty minutes after the speech "to spin" and also the morning as well. He's asking them which things they want to emphasize; one guy, munching on a sandwich, volunteers, "America is the world's biggest emitter of carbon dioxide." Sam adds, "We have four percent of the population; we are responsible for twenty-five percent of the greenhouse emissions. How are we going to reduce those levels of greenhouse emissions, you ask?" C.J. responds, "Through the Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort." Sam says, "Yes, which you can read about in bullet points beginning on page eleven. Please don't skip the footnotes and please don't just read what's underlined." C.J. says, "Question: were you able to get girls to go out with you in high school?" Sam says yes. C.J. asks, "Really?" Sam ignores this and goes on rambling about a program of cash incentives for emissions reductions, eliciting dutiful responses from a couple of flunkies. Sam asks C.J. if she can tell them any more about that, and she sasses him, "No, but I can tell you that lumber, cocoa beans, aluminum and petroleum products are the major exports of Cameroon." Sam: "Then you're all set." Josh enters at this point and asks Sam if can "have her" for a moment. C.J. is rightfully annoyed: "Why do ask him and not me?" Josh weakly says, "He looked in charge." C.J. asks, "Of where I go?" Josh, wearily: "Can we please..." She gets up and goes with Josh.

Out in the hall, C.J. asks if Josh has heard the news about Marbury. Josh says, "It's got to be like Davy Jones himself is showing up." C.J. takes mild umbrage: "'Kay, don't make fun of Davy Jones, all right? He once wrote me a letter. He took that kind of time. And he still tours. Plus, my love for John Marbury is real. It's not a schoolgirl crush. He calls me 'Principessa.'" Josh, amused: "Does he? Well, he calls Leo 'Gerald.'" C.J. insists he's eccentric, and asks what Josh needs. Josh explains that they're going to ask Cornelius Sykes to host the Will Rogers Dinner. C.J. says, "They're trying to stir this up again?" Josh indicates "they" are Republicans? Comedians? C.J. replies, "He didn't laugh at the joke. How many more ways are there for me to say that? He didn't laugh at the joke." Josh was thinking that C.J. and Cornelius are friends... C.J. objects that they're not friends, she doesn't hang out with Corey Sykes. Josh points out that she knows him, and that he's in New York right now, doing stand-up, and he thought since C.J. was going to be in New York anyway, receiving some award, that she could talk to him. C.J. reluctantly agrees. As Josh walks away, Donna rushes up to him; he asks her to arrange a meeting between C.J. and Cornelius Sykes tomorrow night. C.J. calls "thank you" down the hall after them.

Donna and Josh continue pedeconferencing. Well, if you can call Donna rattling on about her desperate singlehood a "conference." Donna says, "And I was thinking, when Marbury gets here, you can encourage him to introduce me to any royal and single men he might now." Josh replies, That's a good idea. I'm going to do that." Donna: "You're not really, though, are you?" Josh: "No."