The Leadership Breakfast

Previously on The West Wing: Leo doesn't think the administration needs to cater to Republicans; Josh is diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; Leo reminds Toby that Bartlet was elected with only forty-eight percent of the vote.

Donna, Josh, and Sam are in the Mural Room, wearing coats and sweaters. Donna's wearing a fetching toque. Donna is wondering whether Josh and Sam don't need some kind of permission or official supervision for the fire they're attempting to build in the fireplace. Josh is wondering what sort of supervision she's talking about; Donna replies, "FEMA, the American Red Cross..." Sam asks if Josh knows what kind of wood they're using. He doesn't. Josh complains that it's freezing in there. Hey, I can certainly relate; Professor Frink and I spent our Christmas/Eid holidays freezing our butts off as our furnace refused to work about seventy-five percent of the time. Unlike the White House, however, and despite the fact that we live in a big old Victorian house, we don't have a fireplace. Why owners took out the fireplaces, I have no idea. We have a lot of chimneys but no damn fireplaces. Anyway, Donna acknowledges that it's cold; Josh compares it to Ice Station Zebra, whatever that is. I'm sure someone in the forums will tell me. Donna's also worried that it may bother someone; Josh points out that it's half past midnight. Let me get something straight. It's 12:30 AM, and there's no heat in the White House, and instead of letting maintenance handle it and going home to your heated apartments (well, maybe not Josh's unless they've gotten around to fixing that window he broke) you're going to build a fire so you can do some more work? Are they paying White House staffers in crack these days? Listen, I love you all dearly, but you people need to get lives. Now. Sam natters on about how the wood looks like spruce to him, and spruce is a soft wood, which means it burns fast, and asks Josh if he knows what they need. Josh: "A hard wood?" Sam confirms this. Josh: "Interesting." Donna would like to know where they got the wood. Josh took it from a pile in the Mural Room. Donna indicates that she thinks it's supposed to be decorative. Josh gripes, "It's wood. We're not burning Benjamin Harrison's log cabin." Sam opines that they might be, since the dude's cabin was made out of spruce. Sam is a real font of such information. Josh asks where C.J. is; Donna indicates that she's in the Roosevelt Room doing the seating chart. Josh tells Donna that somebody named Jankowitz has a hearing aid that seldom works and asks her to tell C.J. that he needs to be seated somewhere near the centre. As she turns to leave, she asks, "You're not using lighter fluid or anything, are you?" Josh: "Nooooo. No flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire, ever." Sam hustles in happily with a kerosene lamp. Donna comes back to protest and Josh tells her to go.

Over in the Roosevelt Room, C.J. and Carol and some other staffers are moving around dozens of little metal stands bearing cards with handwritten names on them. They've got a layout of the room on the table and they move the stands around until they're satisfied. C.J. thinks they're done, just as Donna arrives. C.J. sighs, "Don't give me a thing." Donna drops the Jankowitz bombette. C.J. doesn't think it's a big deal if the guy can't hear anything. "Who cares? It's a breakfast to trumpet a new spirit of bipartisan cooperation and understanding in the New Year. No one's going to be listening to each other anyway." Donna protests that she's just the messenger but that they can't snub Jankowitz because of the thing, which remains unspecified. C.J. instructs Donna to ask Josh whether it's better to dis the House Whip or the Senate Whip. (And yes, she actually says "dis.")

Back in the Mural Room, Sam and Josh are discussing the arrangement of the logs. Josh suggests a tripod; Sam concurs, saying, "Standing three sticks on end and slanting them to a common centre." Josh: "Isn't that a tripod?" Sam allows that it is. Josh asks, "You just thought you'd say more words?" Sam: "Yeah." Donna arrives and Josh tells her to hang on, while he and Sam decide that they need dried leaves. Donna asks which whip should be moved. Sam and Josh answer in unison: "House." Donna asks why. Sam says, "Because life is tough in the big cruel world, and if he doesn't like it, he can kiss me." Donna replies, "So the spirit of bipartisanship begins?" Sam: "Yeah." Josh asks if she could possibly get them some dried leaves. Donna: "Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back." She buzzes off again. Josh figures out that she's being sarcastic and asks Sam, "You know what we could use?" Sam: "Newspaper?" Josh replies, "See, this is what I'm talking about. This is teamwork." Sam: "It really is." Whatever.

C.J. tells Donna to dis the House Whip. She goes back to shuffling place cards, and finally she gets the agreement of a couple of tired staffers that they're done. C.J.: "You see, you guys thought it was going to take a long time and it only ended up taking seven and a half hours." Toby arrives and C.J. announces that the seating arrangement is set. He remarks that that took some time; C.J. mentions that it was hard. Toby: "Yeah, you got to find the magic marker." C.J. informs him that when people are sitting with POTUS, there's excruciating protocol involved. Toby glances at the board and says, "Uh-oh." He points out that they've missed one. C.J. wants to know who, and he tells them to take a look. Everyone except Toby bends down to peer at the names. C.J. finally realizes that they forgot POTUS. Toby says, "There it is." Sadly, that was all too predictable, and not very funny, unlike, say, C.J. falling in the pool in the season opener, which, while you could see it coming, was still amusing. I also refuse to believe that the four people working on this, one of whom was C.J., could fail to include the President in the seating plan. Anyway, as if to distract me from my annoyance with the limpness of this opening, Ginger arrives to ask if anyone smells smoke. Except that even Helen Keller, blind and dead as she is, saw that coming too. Donna says, "Oh, God," and rushes off to the Mural Room, which is filled with smoke. Josh and Sam are coughing; Sam suggests that it might be because the wood is wet. Actually, Sam, I bet it's because either you didn't open the flue, or the chimney is blocked up and the fireplace is nothing more than a decorative item. Josh thinks the fire should dry the wood out, but that's not actually how it works with wet wood. Why would the wood be wet, anyway? They just got it from the pile in the Mural Room where it's probably been decoratively rotting for fifty years or more. Those babies should go up like Roman candles. Donna arrives, asking what they did and telling them there's smoke in the hallway. Toby's on her heels, asking what the hell's going on. C.J. arrives too. Josh mumbles about the wood being wet; C.J. asks if they're burning a dining room table. Josh claims spruce is a slow-drying wood. Um, sure. Toby asks Josh if he has any idea what he's talking about; Josh says he doesn't. Sam's reading a plaque over the fireplace, which along with some blather about Andrew Johnson, ultimately indicates that the flue's been welded shut since 1896. I'm a little surprised about how long it's taking for the alarm to go off. Charlie arrives, annoyed. Josh explains that "somebody" started a fire in the fireplace. Charlie complains that if the smoke alarms go off they're going to make him wake up POTUS. Sam dismisses this, saying the President's a "thousand yards over and two flights up." Charlie points out that it's Secret Service procedure. Josh suggests getting a fire extinguisher and putting the fire out before the alarms go off, at which exact moment, the alarms go off. Charlie glares and leaves. The shot is a pajama-clad Jed opening the door of his bedroom and looking annoyed. He barks, "What?" Charlie says, "Mr. President? Remember how you told me not to wake you up unless the building was on fire?" Opening music, etc. I'm sorry, but that was one of the weakest openings ever for this show. This does not look promising.

Toby and Sam are pedeconferencing about the rules of the upcoming bipartisan breakfast. Leo refers to them as guidelines but Toby prefers to call them rules. Toby's first objection has to do with not being able to talk about the Patients' Bill of Rights. Leo clarifies that they can talk about it but not about dropping the provision that allows for litigation, because that's not the purpose of the breakfast. Toby asks its purpose. Leo: "To symbolize the spirit of cooperation as the new session begins, and to eat pancakes." Toby asks, "So with regard to the Patients' Bill of Rights, we'll just be debating the things we agree on?" Leo confirms this. Toby asks about the subject of raising the minimum wage; Leo says they won't be talking about that at all. Toby complains, "No, we shouldn't, 'cause there's a chance it could lead to something." Sam catches up with Toby at this point and asks, "We can't talk about the Patients' Bill of Rights?" Toby explains they can talk about it, just not about dropping the "no litigation" clause. Sam wonders what the point is of having rights if you can't sue for them. Leo claims that's a fine argument. Sam states that they won't be making that argument. Leo: "Not at this breakfast." Sam asks about the minimum wage. Leo: "Not so much."

Josh joins the pedeconferencing conga line at this point, mentioning that they won't be talking about the 1993 tax cut. Leo confirms that they won't be talking about that either, but that they've agreed to call it tax relief instead of a tax cut. As they all enter the Oval Office, Margaret accretes to the pedeconferencing mass. Leo indicates that the Patients' Bill of Rights is going to be called the Comprehensive Responsibility and Access Act, which was introduced in 1999 and is fundamentally the same thing, and the Republicans have agreed to discuss changing the name back. Josh clarifies that the Republicans have agreed to this in exchange for calling the tax breaks tax relief. Leo adds, "Or income enhancement." Toby complains that he's in a musical, a comment I don't think I fully understand, but I get that he's annoyed. Leo says getting the old bill renamed is a hell of a concession. Toby asks if he can check in with Leo for a second. He asks, "Sick people? Who aren't getting proper medical care, because they can't afford it? Probably don't care that we've agreed to change the name of the bill." Leo points out that they've only agreed to discuss changing the name of the bill.

At that moment, POTUS arrives with Charlie on his heels, and they're going over his meetings for the day. Without any greetings, POTUS demands to know, "Who was the idiot who set off the smoke alarm last night?" Josh pipes up, "Well, it sounds a lot like you're talking about Sam, Mr. President." Sam looks at Josh, wounded, and asks if Jed was inconvenienced. POTUS complains that they had him on the Truman balcony for six minutes in his underwear. Sam asks if it was cold. Jed, humourlessly: "In January? No. Why do you ask?" Toby says he'd like to talk about the rules in the memo POTUS is reading. Leo emphasizes that it's a breakfast, a pancake breakfast, and tells Jed there's nothing in the memo that's important. But wait, one detail has jumped out at Jed: "We're having Vermont maple syrup?" Toby points out that item four indicates time will be spent discussing the aforementioned name change. Jed replies, "I don't give a damn if they call it the Monroe Doctrine. What the hell are we doing serving Vermont maple syrup?" Toby rubs his forehead and lets that one go; he tries to call their attention to item five on the list of rules for the breakfast, which has to do with the minimum wage issue. Leo objects that they're guidelines, and complains that Toby keeps calling them rules. Toby asks Margaret, who's still lurking back there, what it says at the top of the memo. Margaret holds up her copy and says, "Rules for Bipartisan Breakfast." Leo gripes to her, "I keep meaning to fire you." This should be funny but somehow it's not; everyone just seems tired and limp. Jed announces, "New Hampshire syrup is what we serve in this White House. It's a breakfast. We eat, we pose for pictures, you do a post-game conference. Everybody gets the hell out of here and I don't have to be Office Krupke." Whoever that is. Leo asks if there's anything else. Sam mentions that some efficiency expert has pointed out that they could free up some much-needed office space by moving the Press Room across the street.

Leo dismisses them all and asks Josh to come with him to his office. Leo asks if Josh is okay. Josh says he is. Leo asks a couple more times and mentions that he's going to ask him at least once a day. Josh says, "Okay, but you just asked me four times in the last ten seconds." Leo then tells Josh that he wants him to go to Ben and Sally's tonight. We never find out who Ben and Sally are, so you can just let that go right now. Josh asks whether Leo's going. He's not. Josh asks if he was invited. Leo tells him he wasn't. Josh asks whether Ben and Sally are asking for him. They're not, and in fact, would rather that Josh didn't come, but Leo needs a favour and Ben and Sally are willing to help him out, and he needs Josh to do him a favour, too. Josh asks what's at Ben and Sally's. Leo mutters, "Karen Cahill." Josh: "And what stupid-ass Irish thing did you say to Karen Cahill that you now need me to apologize for at Ben and Sally's like a little girl?" Oops, went a little too far there, Josh. Leo turns and gives him quite a look as he considers what Josh just said. Josh quickly says, "Let me tell you what was surprising about that moment just then. I said that only twelve hours after you were very cool about my almost accidentally setting the building on fire." Anyway, since the whole Karen Cahill subplot is pointless, somewhat belaboured, and ultimately not even very funny, I'm not going to go into detail every time it comes up. Pay attention, here's your summary: she is an influential columnist for the New York Times. Leo, probably inadvertently, insulted her shoes. Leo needs Josh to apologize to her for him, because he thinks it seems more thoughtful that way. Josh manages, with Leo's permission, to foist this task onto Sam, who indeed apologizes to Karen Cahill but manages to make a fool of himself talking about nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan when he meant to say Kazakhstan, and he begs Donna to step in at another party and apologize for him. Donna, initially triumphant over managing to fix things up for Sam and charm Miss Cahill without making a fool of herself, ultimately suffers the worst embarrassment of any of them. I guess I'll get to that later. Anyway, Josh takes off.

Carol and C.J. and one other guy are meeting with Republican representatives, including one Ann Stark, aide to the Majority Leader, played by Felicity Huffman. Ann and C.J. are sitting at opposite ends of a very large table. Carol indicates that it's not about what's said during the meeting, but rather what's said after the meeting. "So let's decide what they're going to say." Ann's aides say that it will be simple enough, suggesting, "We appreciate the President's invitation and welcome him to the cause of bipartisanship." C.J. says, "And I'll end the press conference." They don't get the problem; she asks, "You're going to welcome him to the cause of bipartisanship?" Ann points out that she thinks C.J.'s objecting to the implication that they got there first. C.J. confirms this. Ann suggests, "How about, 'We all agree on a need for a renewed spirit of bipartisanship?'" C.J. suggests they say the meeting was positive, friendly, frank, and productive. Carol adds that the idea that they are certain their goals can be met under the President's leadership. Republican flunky Number One says, "No way!" Ann indicates that her aide is objecting to the idea that it's under the President's leadership that their goals will be met. C.J. reiterates her "frank and friendly" refrain and Ann adds, "With a spicy bouquet that suggests a fine Merlot."

Carol tells them the press will be at the northwest entrance, and assuming they're done at 10:30, the Majority Leader will speak and then take questions, then the minority leader, then C.J. will answer questions twenty minutes later in the Briefing Room. Ann interrupts to ask why she'll be taking questions in the Briefing Room. C.J. says, "That's where I brief." Ann complains that the Majority Leader is speaking first, and outside, and C.J.'s speaking last, inside, at a podium in front of a blue curtain with a big picture of the White House. C.J. adds that the Majority Leader will be doing it in front of the actual White House. Ann says he'll be doing it on the Capitol steps. C.J. replies that traditionally these things are done in front of the White House. Ann retorts, "Traditionally, the person in my job has...cared what's traditional." C.J. says POTUS won't want to end a bipartisan breakfast with the Republicans speaking from one place and the Democrats speaking from another. Ann replies that the Majority Leader isn't going to stand at a cardboard podium in the administration's front yard while C.J. represents the Democrats in the White House Press Briefing Room. Ann says they're not on equal footing. C.J. pretty much indicates that she doesn't think so either, implying something different than what Ann was driving at. She tells her that the Majority Leader is going to brief outside, and if he wants to skip the breakfast, there'll be more pancakes for the rest of them and the press can write about why. Ann flashes C.J. an insincere smile and shrugs, saying, "Well, you can't blame a girl for trying." Toby pops in at this point. Toby asks to borrow Ann for a moment. C.J. says they'll wait.

Out in the hall, Toby says gently, "These rules are crap." It seems pretty clear that he has at least a preexisting professional relationship with Ann, if not something more personal. For political opponents, they are obviously pretty comfortable with each other. Ann says, "The guidelines? We're working with C.J. right now." Toby could, as usual, "care less" about who says what in what order; he's concerned about the substance of the discussions. She says, "You've got concerns," and asks him to name one. Toby responds, "The President prefers maple syrup from New Hampshire." She gives half a chuckle and he says, "I'm not kidding." She suggests that they meet on this. He suggests breakfast tomorrow. She asks what she should wear. Toby says, "I don't give a damn." She says quickly, "I've heard different." Well, isn't that frisky? Look out, C.J., someone might be poaching on your territory. Ann returns to the meeting and Carol asks, "Where were we?" Ann says cheerily, "You were giving me and my staff an ultimatum."

Over in Sam's office, Donna sticks her head in. Sam asks if she knows that there's a swimming pool underneath the Briefing Room. Donna didn't know that. He also informs her that, according to the OMB Auditor, there are more people working in the White House than ever, which doesn't seem all that surprising. Donna says, "You want to free up some space by kicking out the press corps." Sam: "Yeah." Donna: "And putting in a swimming pool." Sam says, "I realize there are some flaws in my logic." Donna assigns Sam the task of apologizing to Karen Cahill on Leo's behalf. Sam doesn't want to do it because Karen Cahill makes him nervous and he becomes unimpressive and once he even fell down, blah di blah. Donna assures him that he'll be fine. No one cares. Maybe we would if this had all culminated in some sort of funny scene with an actual Karen Cahill, but that's not what happens, so it's all just a string of blather that really goes nowhere. Sam bucks up and goes on about how he's going to persevere and impress her and she's going to write nice things about him. Even Donna doesn't really care at this point, and you know you're in trouble then. She's just glad to have dispatched Sam on this errand and to be able to get away.

Toby pops into Leo's office to tell him he's having breakfast with Ann Stark tomorrow. Leo tells him to leave it alone. Poor Toby, always meddling in matters of protocol and politics, trying to effect some actual change. I think Toby would be happier in some left-wing think tank, or some sort of big-league activist organization. Toby says he thinks they should be able to discuss the minimum wage, but Leo starts objecting all over him, saying it's a brand new year. Toby says loudly, "Let's not faff around!" I'm sure this is either Yiddish, or something Toby made up. My Yiddish sources are silent on the issue of faffing, so maybe it's Toby's genteel substitute for the f-word. Leo argues that it's breakfast, although I'm not sure of the exact nature of the objection this fact is supposed to constitute. Toby knows that they're not going to come up with solutions in ninety minutes (I guess that's the objection), but feels that since they'll have the principals in a room with no cameras, to fail to talk about the various issues that will be plaguing them in the legislative session that's about to begin is a "criminally negligent and cowardly refusal to do what [they] were all sent here to do." Toby sighs and adds, "This is what my ex-wife and I did for years. We had these rules. We could talk about anything but why we couldn't live with each other. I coulda been two years younger right now." Leo launches into one of his little homilies and says, "There was a freshman Democrat who came to Congress fifty years ago. He turned to a senior Democrat and said, 'Where are the Republicans? I want to meet the enemy.' The senior Democrat said, 'The Republicans aren't the enemy, they're the opposition. The Senate's the enemy.' Those days are over. Toby, in this climate..." Toby interjects to try to say that this climate is exactly what real debate in bipartisanship should look like. Leo mentions that Ann Stark has had her job for two weeks, and that he doesn't like dealing with people who are trying to impress him. Toby says, "I know her a little." He tries to keep his expression fairly neutral and for the most part succeeds, but you get the impression that they've maybe been on a date or two, some time ago. Leo relents. Toby thanks him. As Toby leaves, Leo says, "Jenny and I wouldn't talk about it either. You know why?" Toby asks why. Leo has a dead serious look on his face as he continues, "Because we loved each other. And it was awful. And we knew it was never going to change. Ever." Toby leaves without a word. Time for some commercials, which is good, because I need to eat something

It's Tuesday. Toby and Ann are at breakfast, apparently somewhere in the White House. With her concerns about appearances and turf, I would have thought she'd want to meet somewhere more neutral. Toby says he wants them to talk about the minimum wage and the Patients' Bill of Rights. Ann says she thinks he might be talking about the Comprehensive Access and Responsibility Act. She grabs a small canvas bag and puts it on the table, saying, "I brought you a present." Toby, completely not charmed by this, asks, "What is it?" She tells him to guess. Toby asks, "Really?" She says yes. He asks why. She chuckles a bit and says, "I would think it'd be fun." Toby replies, "You don't think it'd be a colossal waste of time?" Toby's even less fun than I usually am. Ann accuses him of having lost his sense of humour. He had one? Toby announces that it's a bottle of New Hampshire maple syrup. She looks chagrined and says, "It's a can of New Hampshire maple syrup." She lowers the bag around the gift to reveal a can of syrup with a shiny red bow on it. She adds, "You just ruined what I think could have been a nice moment." She passes it over to him and he kind of twirls it around a bit. He says, "Ann..." She says, "You know, tax breaks are tax relief now, and we're changing South Carolina to Italy." He replies, "The minimum wage." She says, "You cannot muster up the behaviour to say 'thank you?'" He finally thanks her, and adds his congratulations. "You are now the Chief of Staff to the most powerful Republican in the country." She wants to know where her present is. Toby asks, "For being promoted?" He kind of pats the pockets of his jacket and cheerfully tells that her he doesn't have one. She says, "Give me my syrup back," and takes the can. The waiter shows up at this point. She tells the waiter Toby will need syrup. "I have syrup here but he doesn't have any." Toby smiles somewhat insincerely and orders scrambled eggs, wheat toast, and coffee. No syrup needed.

C.J. hollers to Carol about whether the President said the stats were "even more staggering here in Washington, D.C." Carol confirms this. C.J. asks Carol to remind her to clarify that, because POTUS was actually in Louisville when he said it. Sam shows up and C.J. indicates that she got his note about moving the Press Room to the OEOB (Old Executive Office Building). She tells him not to let anyone ever know that he wrote that memo and not to mention it again under any circumstances. He sputters about it a bit and she informs him that they're not getting a swimming pool. I'm not sure reinstituting the pool would constitute more of the much-needed office space, unless they're getting a lot of applications from mermaids and Aquaman these days. Sam says he knows they're not getting a pool but, he says they can get the much-needed office space as well as putting some distance between the press and POTUS. He suggests they'll also have a state-of-the-art facility across the street. C.J. asks, "By state-of-the-art, you mean..." Sam: "A room, with electricity." Anyway, they argue for a while, C.J.'s position being that neither the press nor the American people want there to be too much distance between POTUS and the press, and that exiling the press, even just across the street, sends the signal that they're trying to hide things from them. Sam claims, "We are trying to hide things from them, but I don't think we're going to be any better at it if they're across the street." C.J. keeps refusing. Sam says he'll get more information for her, so she can ruminate about it. C.J. says she doesn't need to ruminate.

Donna whizzes by and asks Sam how it went, "it" being his encounter with Karen Cahill, I guess. Sam can't talk right now, because he's got to go ask Josh if the monthly D&C has gone out yet. It hasn't. I don't remember what D&C is but again, I'm sure someone in the forums does. Sam asks if there's still time to tack on a question; Josh says there is and asks Donna to get the polling people on the phone. Sam tells Josh his question. Josh gets on the phone and, after a bit of struggling with the wording, asks Sam what the question should be. Sam says, "If the White House moved the press corps to Trenton, New Jersey, would you give a flying..." I bet the good people of Trenton might have something to say about it. Josh finally formulates the following question: "Would you object to the White House moving the Press Room out of the West Wing and into a facility across the street?" Josh hangs up as Donna comes to the door and asks Sam how it went with Karen Cahill, and whether he fell down or not. He didn't, as it turns out. He launches into the blather about Kyrgyzstan; Josh points out that he means Kazakhstan, which Sam blathers about a bit to indicate that he knows which is which. Whatever. Donna says she's sure that he got it right last night. Sam pretends to think so, too. He leaves, completely unsure.

Ann and Toby are walking around the Communications department. She says, "It's a photo op, Toby. You can let them talk about the Redskins and their kids." Toby wants to know why they don't talk about the minimum wage. Ann says, "Because you'll say that you want it raised $2 in fifty-cent increments over two years, and we'll say three years." He asks if she knows the annual salary of a full-time minimum wage worker; she replies, "Ten thousand, seven hundred and twelve dollars." Toby points out that this is $2600 below the poverty line: "Why have a minimum wage?" She says, "Now you're talking." Toby's not amused. She asks whether he really thinks that raising the minimum wage is going to put a dent in the poverty rate. Toby thinks the minimum wage could at least keep up with inflation, and points out that in the last thirty years, the purchasing power of the minimum wage has gone down thirty percent, while the stock market has gone up one hundred and fifteen percent. Ann argues that small businesses will fold or produce less if they can't afford the minimum wage, and then there'll just be more people unemployed, facing higher prices. Toby says, "Fine! So let's talk about it at breakfast?" She says if they do, twenty senators will call her and ask what she's doing starting the ball rolling without them. Toby responds that they'll ask her what the hell she's doing rolling the ball at all. Toby says they've already shown their whole hand, and that they're going to sandbag the thing at committee. He accuses her of playing a game, and not that well. She protests that she just got there. Toby says that her predecessor didn't play the game that well. Ann retorts, "Maybe that's why they gave me her job." Toby tells her that they're not going to get screwed around on the wage hike, and that they have the votes and she knows it. She says that doesn't much matter if the leader decides there isn't going to be a vote. Toby says there will be a vote, straight up or down, and if there isn't, they'll attach it as an amendment to everything that moves. She asks him to say that again. He says she heard him the first time. Ann asks, "Do you not remember that I am the same person who bought you a can of syrup?" She asks mildly what she's done to make him think she's scared of him. She then goes on to say that they can spend fifteen minutes on dropping the litigation shield from the Patients' Bill of Rights. Toby asks, "In exchange for what?" Ann: "Some flowers wouldn't be out of line." Toby: "In exchange for what?" Ann: "The spirit of bipartisanship?" Toby: "In exchange for what?" Ann tells him that she wants the press conference to be at the Hill: "Our guys are tired of looking like the President's stupid cousin." Toby hands this to her on a silver platter. Ann tells him C.J. said no. Toby reminds her that C.J. works for him. Well, this should be unpleasant. She smiles and thanks him for breakfast.

Jed is reading a newspaper in the Oval Office as Charlie enters silently behind him. Jed bellows for him just about at the point when Charlie's right behind him, not realizing he's inches away. Jed wants to know what the meeting is; Charlie informs him it's with Kim Woo of Singapore and asks if he wants the cheat sheet. Jed says he doesn't need the cheat sheet, and announces that Kim Woo won a bronze medal for fencing, he's a Buddhist, and he enjoys European history. "You see, Charles, even though it's a handshake, I'm able to make him feel like a friend, and that's a little thing they call people skills." Charlie informs Jed, with less smugness than I would have been able to muster, that Kim Woo is a woman. Jed replies, "The man's an Olympic athlete, Charlie, I wouldn't say that to his face." Charlie hands Jed some remarks that Sam has jotted down for his address at the bipartisan breakfast. Jed reads a bit, finding some of it amusing. I wish he'd share with us 'cause this show's about half over and I don't think I've even chuckled yet. He asks Charlie, "She's a woman?" Charlie confirms this. Jed asks if Charlie marked that down, which Charlie did. He goes back to reading the speechette and reads aloud, "We spend so much time demonizing the other side, treating our opponents as if they were threatening strangers with whom we share nothing in common, that we've lost sight, perhaps, of the greater truths...Did you know it's bad luck to toast with water?" Charlie didn't, and tries to hustle Jed along to his meeting. Jed rambles about how he believes the superstition comes from Greek mythology, and how you allegedly lose your spirit if you toast with water. Charlie wants to know to what do you lose your spirit. Jed says that it's a great question, and he could tell him, but he thinks it would be better if Charlie looked it up on his own. Charlie: "I'll hit the library as soon I get off work tonight at 1 AM" Heh. Jed's still reading aloud from Sam's remarks..."There's a lot more that unites Americans than divides them..." Jed thinks that's good. Sure, but it's not exactly an original sentiment. He asks Charlie to remind him to tell Sam that's good, and also to remind him not to toast with water. They both take off, and it's time for some more commercials. So far, I'm not very impressed with this episode. I'm not hopeful that it gets a lot better.

Sam comes up behind Donna, who's working at her desk, and says he said the wrong country. No one gives a damn, but Sam can't hear us under all the extra hair. Please, cut the hair. (If you don't believe me, take a look at page 108 of the August 2000 issue of InStyle, the one with Liz Hurley on the cover, and tell me he doesn't look a thousand times better, and younger for that matter, with that haircut.) Anyway, Sam talks Donna into going to some party or something where Karen Cahill will be in attendance and saying, "Sam Seaborn's being so cute. He was talking to you and he thinks he may have said Kyrgyzstan when he obviously meant Kazakhstan." Donna repeats skeptically, "'Sam Seaborn's being so cute?'" Sam asks if it would kill her. She agrees that it wouldn't. He thanks her and leaves. Would that this were the end of it, but this is a running joke, after all. Except for the joke part.

Toby pops into C.J.'s office to tell her that he had breakfast with Ann Stark. C.J. asks if he successfully negotiated discussing the minimum wage. He says no; she says it's for the best, because there would be a fight. Toby replies, "There should be a fight. We disagree on something important and immediate." C.J. says this means there should be a compromise. Poor Toby, always spoiling for fights and juicy public debates and never getting them. Toby says that won't happen by posing for a picture. C.J. retorts, "It isn't going to happen eating pancakes, either, Toby, so let 'em tell dirty jokes for ninety minutes, shake hands, and start the year." Toby mentions that they're willing to discuss the litigation provision in the Patients' Bill of Rights. C.J. thinks that's a little something they can all disagree on, and that they can do a lot of shouting in fifteen minutes. Toby then tells her what he gave Ann in exchange for this particular plum. C.J. says she said no yesterday to a split conference, and wonders what makes Ann think she's going to do the whole thing on the Hill now. Toby tells her it's because he's asking her to. C.J.'s incredulous, and doesn't know where to begin with her various objections. The first one she manages to get out has to do with the time she needs for response. C.J. says if they say anything that needs a response, she needs twenty minutes with her staff, and she can't stand around and huddle in front of the White House and Congressional press corps. Toby insists there's not going to be a surprise; they've already decided what's going to be said, which is not much of anything at all. C.J.: "You don't speak for the President on the steps of the Capitol! We don't need to be offered their microphone! It makes us look like less than what we are! In fact, it makes us look small!" Toby replies, "We're calling tax breaks 'tax reliefs,' refusing to discuss raising the salary of those living in poverty, arguing the seating arrangement, and you think that's what's going make us look small? We're talking about the no-litigation clause for fifteen minutes, I don't care if the damn press conference is outside the Rotary Club!" C.J. can tell she's lost this one. She doesn't say anything for a bit and then says, "It shouldn't be me, then. It should be Henry." Toby thinks that's fine. She reiterates what a bad idea she thinks this is; that it creates a bad visual, suggesting that Congress is the seat of power and that the President is irrelevant. She adds, "Not only that, but you just took my legs out from under me with Ann. Are you ordering me to move it to the Hill?" Toby: "I don't like doing that." C.J.: "You're going to have to." Toby says quietly, "Do it," and leaves her office.

Wednesday. There's a shot of lots of people bustling around outside on the Hill. In the White House, C.J. enters Carol's office area and runs into one reporter, Steve, and greets him, saying he should be up on the Hill. He says he's going to watch it on TV. He asks her if they're thinking about moving the Press Room across the street. She says no, but he says he heard from another reporter that she was pretty sure they're discussing it. Turns out this other reporter got called by one of the people doing the poll onto which Sam tacked his little question. C.J., of course, didn't know about this. C.J.'s not too happy to hear about it, and asks Steve to let her get into it. He goes away without protest, unlike some Fishboys we could name.

The press conference is starting and Carol comes into C.J.'s office to watch it with her on television. The announcer mentions the names of some of the congresspersons and senators who are with them today, but mentions that the Majority Leader couldn't be there due to a sore throat. C.J. looks pretty suspicious and unhappy upon hearing this news. As the announcer drones on, C.J. says, "When did he get a sore throat? She took the Majority Leader off the board." C.J. tries to figure out what's going on: "Was it a balance thing? No, she didn't want balance, she wanted power. Why'd she take her boss off the board?" The camera closes in on C.J. as she figures it out, staring at the TV: "We're about to get hit." A reporter is asking Congressman Whatzit about whether the minimum wage hike was discussed.

We switch to a view of Ann watching the same conference, as the congressman tells the reporter the wage hike was not discussed. The reporter asks if they're considering a $2 increase over two years; the congressman says they want the same thing but over three years. Ann says quietly to herself, "Call on Simon." Congressman Whatzit takes a question from someone named Craig about whether it's the Majority Leader holding this up, and not the majority. Congressman Whatzit doesn't think it's fair to say it's either of them. Ann mutters to herself about Simon again. The congressman calls on Simon, who claims that he's quoting a senior White House aide who says that they have the votes, and that unless they get a straight up or down vote, they're going to "attach it as an amendment to everything that moves." Ann glows.

We switch to Toby looking displeased in his office.

The congressman says he doesn't want to comment on that, and that he wants to get back to the breakfast meeting. However, a Congressman Shallick, played by Corbin Bernsen, interrupts to say that his friend from Michigan is too polite to comment on this, but that he's not burdened by any such sense of etiquette. He wants the record to show that he thinks this is disgraceful, that the spitball contest was started behind their backs, through the press, and before the 107th Congress was even gavelled into session.

The phone rings in C.J.'s office; Carol tells her it's Toby. Toby tells her he's the senior White House aide in question. C.J.: "No kidding." To Carol: "Get me Henry." As Congressman Shallick blathers on in the background with his indignation, Carol hands C.J. a phone with Henry on the other line. Toby doesn't say anything for a while until C.J. finally snaps, "What do you want me to do, Toby?" He tells her not to let Henry take the podium, and that she'll take questions in the Briefing Room in twenty minutes. C.J. hangs up and tells Henry to "get home." Back in his office, Toby bangs down the phone angrily.

After the commercials, the Fabulous Four are standing around outside Leo's office in various pissed-off and/or impatient poses, not speaking. Leo shows up and strides into his office, asking, "What the hell happened?" Toby confesses, "That was me. I gave Ann Stark the quote, and she fed it to a reporter." Leo, naturally, wants to know why Toby gave her the quote. Toby says it wasn't a quote when he gave it to her, and that he was just letting her know that they had the votes. Leo points out that Ann knows they have the votes, as she's just been promoted to chief of staff for the Senate Majority Leader. Toby uncomfortably explains that he misunderstood his relationship with Ann Stark. Leo: "Yes, you did. And now it looks like we went to the press and went for his knees." Sam pipes up, "Excuse me, but Toby's not the one who gave it to the press." Leo asks, "You think the Majority Leader's going to believe that?" Toby says no. Um, isn't the Majority Leader with his bogus sore throat sort of complicit in this whole thing? Perhaps I don't understand what's going on here. Leo continues, "It was a breakfast! It was a damn photo opportunity! The year is one week old. The legislative session hasn't begun, and we can't put a forkful of waffles in our mouth without coughing up the ball!" That sentence has so many problems I don't know where to begin. Leo tells Toby, "You got beat." Toby simply agrees. C.J. mentions she has press in ten minutes. Leo says, "Figure it out. Tell me what you're going to do." They all slouch out.

Out in the hall, Josh suggests taking the high road and claiming they don't want to engage in a war of words. Sam adds that they don't want to disrupt the "fragile peace." As the camera swirls around them, C.J. argues the fragile peace has been disrupted and they've been accused of ambushing the Majority Leader in the press. Josh says Labour's going to want to know if they stand by the minimum wage; Sam suggests passing it off to Labour and having the Labour Secretary make a statement to the effect that the two parties are close to an agreement on the minimum wage hike. C.J. says Sam's suggested statement makes it sound like they're close to an agreement in about thirty months, which they're actually not, and no one's going to want to cover a statement from the Labour Secretary. She's afraid it will look like they're ducking, and Toby agrees. Toby doesn't want to look passive. He directs C.J.: "Be cool, be funny, smack 'em down hard." Sam ventures, "The Majority Leader is tragically out of touch with the needs of real people..." Josh continues, "And why wasn't he at the podium? A sore throat? We know how tough that can be." He pauses. "Thank goodness he had health insurance." Sam says, "There it is." C.J. says, "That's the sound bite." Josh adds, "And that's the new story." C.J. says, "Toby?" Toby replies, "Do it." She zooms off.