By Deborah
Shout-out to Sprojunky.
Previously on The West Wing: People flapped their gums.
First Bedroom. Someone phones to wake the President because it's 6:00 AM. He thought he asked for a 5:00 AM call, but apparently FLOTUS called to change it. She comes out of the washroom, and she and Jed have a cute little conversation about how she interfered with "Operation Yooman Snooze Button"; POTUS had planned to tell them himself to give him an extra hour. But his actual name for the plan was "Operation Resting Eagle." Jed wants to put on his glasses: "Something's turning me on about you and I can't tell what it is." The huge workout suit, no doubt. She says, as she opens the curtains, that her hair's wet because she was working out. He says he got in late; he was in Tennessee and ended up touring a weapons research facility with one of the world's most powerful reactors. They showed him an insulin molecule. Abby seems only sort of interested.
Suddenly, the breakfast cart arrives. The waiter asks whether Jed would like him to lay out the papers. Jed would not. The guy leaves as they sit down to eat, and Jed grumbles about having them alphabetized, too. He tells Abby that when they got back, Leo was waiting. She asks what's going on with Leo and Jordan these days. Jed doesn't know, and directs her attention to other, more important things. Abby: "What's the trouble, Sheriff Taylor?" Yikes. If Abby's wet hair turns Jed on, I'd hate to see his reaction to Michael "Yooman Freak Show" Jackson, because that's about what Abby's hair looks like at this moment. There's some HoYay! absolutely no one can get behind. Maybe they're just screwing with us: "Okay, no matter what we do with her hair, they don't like it, so we'll just do nothing! Ha ha ha!" I think that that may be the strategy of the NBC promo gerbils, too.
Jed tells Abby that the Foreign Ops bill came out of markup. He says they only cut $2 billion, and shifted half a billion from the sub-Saharan to Western Europe: "Because I guess the crippling hunger in Provence has given the lactose-intolerant a problem with...I don't know, but I can live with all that." But apparently, some politician with the implausible name of Clancy Bangert has attached an amendment stipulating that no Foreign Ops dollars can go to any clinic overseas that counsels abortion (a policy known as "the gag rule"). Abby asks if that's out of the blue. Jed says it's the Senate and they can do that. He says that there are a few cranky conservative Senators who want this stuff and are just waiting to pounce. She asks if the bill is sunk, and how many Democrats are defecting. Jed doesn't know. Abby: "How many would defect if you asked them?" He doesn't know. Abby: "You didn't make the calls?" He's not prepared to do that yet. She wants to know what would happen if he threatened to veto the bill with the gag rule. He doesn't know. She asks whether he's spoken to the leadership. He's not prepared to do that yet. Abby, should I paint you a picture? Abby says, "It's not that the money can't go to clinics that perform abortions, it's that the money can't go to clinics that talk about abortions." Jed knows what the gag rule is. Abby: "I wasn't reminding you what the gag rule was. I was reminding you that you sent 11,000 troops to Kundu because on your inauguration you told us that we were for freedom of speech everywhere." (And if you were looking for anything on the Kundu story, you better be satisfied with that, 'cause that's all there is.) Jed: "That's great, except people are starving to death, and they're dying of disease to death and they can't cook the Bill of Rights." Abby replies, "So we're for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help, but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?" Jed, placidly: "I really don't know, Abby. The day hasn't started yet."
And credits. Sans Rob Lowe. Stockard Channing is first -- but if she weren't in this episode, would Dulé Hill be first? Or is she going to be in all the credits now, even though before she was only in the credits for the episodes she was in, because...I mean, it's not like Dulé Hill's going to get top billing, is it?
Leo's office. Josh is telling him about a disaster early that morning in Alaska: a lake broke through its natural dam in what is known as a "glacial lake outburst," and is now a river of ice and rock 300 feet wide sweeping through a small town. It takes Leo a minute to realize that Josh isn't trying to be funny. Josh says tha the President should be briefed at the very least. Leo agrees, and wants to know why the natural dam broke. Josh explains that it was part of a glacier and the glacier melted. Leo is a little surprised to find that a glacier suddenly melted, like, this morning, being under the impression that it usually takes hundreds of millions of years. Well, that used to be the case. It's called global warming and climatic change. Seriously, dude. Look into it. Josh explains that this morning was the straw that broke the camel's back. Josh starts to leave, and Leo wonders if he wouldn't like to stand there and reflect on the fact that a glacier melted this morning. Josh would, but says that since a glacier melted this morning, Americans are simply trying to outrun it.
Out in the hall, Will catches up to Josh, who tells him a glacier melted, that it'll be on the news soon, and that he'll help him prep C.J. Will just wanted to ask Josh if FLOTUS happens to be a distant relative of a pirate. He got called by the Boston Globe. Josh tells him to talk to C.J. as he runs into C.J., who's just arriving at work, and tells her that Will got called about "Captain Feathersword."
Josh splits, and Will pedeconferences with C.J. as he explains that the Globe was called by somebody named Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead who's denounced Abby's membership in the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution). Will: "I'm sorry, is it okay if I laugh a couple of times during this?" C.J.: "Well, at Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead, certainly." Why would Will be contacted about this? The Globe called the President's newest speechwriter to ask about it? I'm puzzled. Will continues explaining that in order to be a member of DAR, "You have to be descended directly..." C.J.: "From doilies?" Will says that it's patriots, actually, and apparently FLOTUS's qualifying ancestor is Thomas Broome Weathergill, a pirate. And this is suddenly an issue why? C.J. says he was a privateer. Will says he was a professional pirate. C.J. says he worked for pirates and was hired by the fathers of the DAR. Will wonders if they should tell that to the DAR lady. C.J. says it's not their job to tell things to "Mrs. Marblehaye." Will corrects her on the name and says that he agrees, but that the woman is organizing a boycott of the DAR reception tonight. C.J. says that Thomas Broome Weathergill was a privateer. Will adds that it was a couple of centuries ago. C.J. thinks it's time for a visit to FLOTUS's office. Will is bummed to learn that C.J. means both of them, and says, "If this day ends up with me face-to-face with Marion Cotesworth-Haye, I'm gonna, you know..." C.J.: "Laugh inappropriately?" Will says there's a very real possibility.
We get to see some bare feet on a ladder, and while they're a lot cleaner than they were the last time we saw them, I still have the feeling right away that they're Amy's. Sure enough, she's on a stepladder in her new office, hanging up her various degrees on the wall. Her Yale diploma reads "Amy Gardner." (There've been a lot of comments on the forums about whether the diploma actually looks like a real Yale diploma, and whether it should have her full name, and let me just state for the record: I find I couldn't care less.) Amy's just whamming nails into the schmancy wood panelling and there's this part of my brain that just shrivels up and dies in response. (Yes -- that, I care about.) Amy stands back to admire them -- they're crooked -- and of course they, and the two pictures on the opposite side of the door, fall off the wall in rapid succession. Enough with the sight gags already. They're getting old. Amy looks mildly unhappy but not nearly as pissed as I'd be. Then again, she almost always looks that unhappy, so whatever. Amy's office is huge, by the way. I'd say it's bigger than Leo's; certainly bigger than Josh's. High ceilings, huge windows, plenty of square footage. Not too shabby. Some young, relatively cute guy comes in and reintroduces himself as Nat, saying they met yesterday. He says he's an intern in FLOTUS's office, or he was, until Mrs. Bartlet fired his boss and hired Amy. Amy says he can stay and they'll see how it works out. He tells her that Abby's waiting to see her. Amy says that's the kind of thing he wants to tell her first.
Abby saunters in as Nat realizes that he's probably not going to be having the kind of relationship with Amy that Tag had with Rachel on Friends. Mind you, Amy's blouse is unbuttoned to the practically the middle of her torso, and would look skeevy at a nightclub, never mind how unprofessional it looks in this setting, so Nat can be forgiven for perhaps thinking there was a signal there. Perhaps Amy thinks she's copying C.J.'s look, but note: when C.J. wears her blouse unbuttoned to her navel, she wears a shirt underneath, all classy-like. The more knowledge you have... Abby looks at the piles of frames on the floor and asks what happened. Amy doesn't have a good explanation, so she just says "good morning." Abby tells Amy about the Foreign Ops bill, and says that she wants her to come up with a way to let Congress know the President would veto the bill if that rider's attached. Amy grasps what Abby's asking. Abby, smugly: "No, it's not that easy. But we're going to do it anyway." Amy: "Yes, ma'am."
Abby tells Amy to start lobbying and leaves as C.J. and Will arrive. Abby tells them that a glacier's melting in Alaska. Will asks if she's a little freaked about that, too. She says she isn't. Will adds, "I didn't mean that I was..." He turns to Amy and says they have a problem for her office. Amy: "No, you can't, because it's my first day and already Mrs. Bartlet has me overthrowing the government." He tells her about the DAR fuss. There's a little go-round about pirate vs. privateer -- yes, we've got it. It's a hired pirate. C.J.: "Anyway, Helena Hodworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree wants to organize a boycott of the reception, and, well, there it is." C.J. summarizes the problem and they leave. As they're going, Will helpfully points out that Amy's picture frames fell. Amy: "Yeah, they did, Willy." Will just lets that go. He must be scared of Amy, because he ragged on his sister for calling him that.
Bonnie brings a couple of guys to Toby's office. The older, shorter one (played by Jeff Perry, who has a total HITG! vibe about him, except that I don't recognize him from anywhere) says that they were in the building meeting about testimony on Polluter Pays and just wanted to drop by. He introduces the other guy as a lawyer named Don Novak, who works for Kearney-Passaic. The guy explains that Toby was one of his first roommates. I'll bet Toby's a riot to live with. Toby, over much throat-clearing, seems surprised to hear that his former roommate works for Kearney-Passaic. The guy responds, "We don't make chemicals, Toby. We make ideas." The kind of ideas that pollute the environment and give you cancer, I guess. Toby: "Uh huh. But what do you sell?" Idea Guy: "Chemicals." Yep. Toby: "You're testifying on Polluter Pays?" Idea Guy says he is. Toby: "On behalf of nature?" Idea Guy: "You demonize companies that create jobs." Toby laughs. "You think taxpayers should pay to clean up pollution instead?" Idea Guy argues that taxpayers should pay a "modest amount," and gives Toby the whole line about how it's an inevitable byproduct of doing business: "Chemical companies are good corporate citizens." Toby says that's nice to know: "But tomorrow we've got fifteen scientists who aren't on industry payroll, and you'll have..." Don pipes up: "The Republican majority, actually." Toby admits that's gotta help. Don smiles: "It does." Idea Guy says they just wanted to say hi. Toby wishes them luck tomorrow. There's a sincere sentiment. Don and Idea Guy walk off, but remain in sight of the camera. Idea Guy suddenly stops and tells Don he forgot to ask about the kids Toby's expecting. He explains to Don that he doesn't want Toby to think he's rude, and tells Don to hang on a second.
Idea Guy comes back to Toby's office and says that he's supposed to be in there looking at pictures of Andi: "Could you take out your wallet and look for a picture?" Toby's confused. Idea Guy continues, "Toby, please take out your wallet and look for a picture you can show me. Kearney-Passaic's been lying for three years. I need protection under federal whistleblower laws." Toby slowly stands up and pulls out his wallet, and smiles as he shows the guy something (we don't see it), and they make chitchat about when the twins are due. Toby: "Burt, are you defecting?" Burt (formerly "Idea Guy") says he is. Toby says that the twins are due in May; there's a boy and a girl, and they can't decide on names. Andi likes Sophie or Rebecca for a girl. He likes Sophie, but thinks it's too popular now, and he likes Rebecca but he also likes Millicent but Andi doesn't like that at all. Thank God for Andi. As Toby's saying all this, he's writing a note. He walks out and dumps the note on Bonnie's desk as he says that they're nowhere on boy's names. Dude, we took a poll. Mind you, when I made that up, I don't think I knew yet that they were a boy and a girl; most of the pairs of names are for same-sex twins. And anyway, Sorkin likes old, stodgy names. These kids are going to be named Prudence and Archibald. Or maybe Hortense and Maynard. Pray for Andi's strength and resolve. We see Bonnie's elbow pick up the note which reads, "Get Josh rt. now." She crumples it.
Burt and Don are chatting amiably outside Toby's office when Josh arrives to speak to Toby, who has to tell him several times to "cool out" while they wait for Burt to come over after Don splits. Burt tells Toby, "It's okay...I told him." Seems like Don took the news pretty well. Toby introduces Josh. Burt explains he told Don they were going to go get some coffee and catch up. Well, that explains why he took it so well. Toby introduces Burt Ganz to Josh. Burt is the Director of Scientific Research at Kearney-Passaic. Josh says he's read Burt's testimony already. Burt says that his testimony says that Polluter Pays is unfair and unreasonable and that their process is as safe as is practicably possible, "and that even an assurance bond is ridiculous because there's no evidence [they're] causing environmental damage." Toby says he wants to change his testimony. Burt says that the company has been concealing from the EPA and health officials the amount of highly carcinogenic toxins at three of their waste-disposal sites. Josh: "So Kearney-Passaic has not been damaging the environment quite so much as they've been..." Burt: "Causing cancer." He says he has documentation. Josh tells him to stay there and not say anything to anyone until Josh calls. He wants to know who knows Burt's there. Toby says that the company lawyer does. Josh tells him to wait until he calls. As Josh leaves, he's informed -- or, more likely, warned -- that Amy's looking for him.
Out in the hall, Amy finds him anyway. He asks whether it's true that everything fell off her wall. She asks how he knows that. Josh: "I'm everywhere." Amy: "Oh, I've been orientating myself for the last few days, so I think I'm fine." Josh says he doesn't think "orientate" is a word. He asks if she has an assignment. She does, and wants to talk to him in his office. Josh tells Donna he needs to speak to someone in the Counsel's office.
Amy starts to tell Josh about the rider on the bill. He knows: "And the First Lady's fershnicked." Amy says she's not the only one. Josh: "You too?" Well, that can't be a surprise. Amy says, "Well, I was thinking about the 62% of us who support a woman's right to..." Josh says it's 57%. Amy: "Kaiser says 62[%]." Josh: "And I'm one of them." She says it's a huge step forward for the other 38%. Josh: "You think I like it more than you do?" Amy: "I do not, but I also don't think you have a reproductive system." Well, technically, I think he does, but I know what Amy's trying to say. Not that that's probably the best angle to get him on board. Josh says, "I do not." Amy argues that POTUS should threaten to veto. Josh says that if he does that, he'd have to follow through. Amy thinks that the threat might make some of the more moderate senators insist on the removal of the amendment. Josh: "Yeah, but if Amy's Plan of Wonder and Magic doesn't work, he's got to veto Foreign Ops after not one, [not] two, but three continuing resolutions. We need a win. And 230 million people overseas need a sandwich." Amy wants to know what can be done. Josh says the Republicans have tried to attach it to everything possible over the past term, and that the White House has beaten it back every time with Executive Orders: "But this one's gonna be law and we have to eat it." Amy says okay and leaves. Her hair look a lot better in this episode -- healthier and shinier. Josh asks why her stuff fell off the wall. Amy: "Well...I dunno. Thanks." Maybe not so much for her with the witty comebacks? Seriously, a lot of the dialogue so far -- especially hers -- has been really limp. Is everyone tired? Brad Whitford seems tired. I'm tired, and I don't have three kids under five, or even one kid under five.
Josh asks Donna if she got him in with the Counsel's office. She says they're all in a meeting until after lunch. Josh asks, "Hey, you know how you really wanted to go to the DAR reception tonight?" Except Donna says she didn't. Now that Sam's gone, I guess most of the crackplots are going to fall on her delicate alabaster shoulders. Josh says she's going, because the Secret Service needs them to babysit someone. One of the DAR members is bringing a date, Matthew Lambert, who's twenty-six, and who, five years ago, was convicted of selling drugs. The Secret Service won't let him in unless someone who is credentialled is watching him. Is this seriously something Donna would have to do? They wouldn't have some kind of junior agent or somebody who'd be assigned to this? Josh explains that she's supposed to stay with him the whole night, and he won't know why: "So try to be cool." Donna asks if she can talk to him. Josh says she can, but she can't tell him they regard him as a security risk: "It's just inhospitable, you know?"
Leo's in a room being briefed by people on the melting-glacier-disaster thing. There are quite a lot of people there. They're having difficulty reaching people to evacuate them: "Most of them don't have addresses anymore." Weather's also a problem. Canada's helping out. Leo asks if this is an act of God. I guess that depends on your perspective. A woman says, "No." She introduced as Hilary Toobin, a USGS hydroclimatologist. Leo asks what that is. Hilary: "An expert in what I'm about to say." She explains that mean temperatures have risen seven degrees in the last thirty years: "That's insane." I'll say. She says it's caused glaciers to shrink, and of course then everything goes haywire. She says that fourteen people -- not spotted owls -- were killed this morning. Leo: "Are you telling me that the deaths this morning were the first fatalities of global warming?" Hilary says she doubts that they're the first. Leo asks the people in the room to stay around for a while.
Amy returns to her office to find Abby waiting for her. Abby tells Amy that her stuff fell off the wall again: "I think some of the guys might be having fun with you on your first day." Amy, as she closes the big double doors to her office: "They're such rascals." She says she just saw Josh, and that the President can't threaten to do something he's not prepared to do. Abby doesn't think it should be an empty threat. They argue about whether the bill is his or the Senate's. Amy says that the White House would have to negotiate another aid package a year from now, and suggests, "Why not gear up for that when I've been on the job for a year, instead of the five hours I've been on the job now?" A year from now? For someone who's had seven jobs in the last three years, she's certainly an optimist. Abby says no: "Should I get someone else?" That wasn't really where Amy was going with that, no. Abby: "What right do we have to restrict what anything anyone says anywhere, much less what a doctor can say to a woman who needs a doctor?" Well, none, I'd say. Amy agrees. Abby: "My husband is one of the most liberal Presidents this country is likely to see for a while. I don't have that many 'year's left." Amy thinks she's wrong there. Abby: "Let's get back to it." Abby leaves, and Amy comes up behind her to close the doors. The camera switches to the inside of Amy's office as she walks away from the doors...which fall down behind her with a crash, just as she walks out of their path. That's a pretty dangerous gag right there; I'll bet those doors weigh hundreds of pounds. She could have easily been killed. (Yeah, I know that'd be fine with some of you.) Also, why didn't they fall when she shut the doors earlier? Also, enough with the sight gags, especially when they insist on showing them to us during the promos. Are people really tuning in to see the doors fall down again? Are they that curious about why the doors fall down? Do they think, "Damn, that is some quality programming?"
Charlie's working at his laptop somewhere when Will comes along and asks him what's up. Charlie says he got a "Dear John" letter from Zoey, breaking up with him again. Aren't they already broken up? Were they back together? Who knows? Charlie: "It's a Dear John letter from my ex-girlfriend. This is gonna be a high self-image day for me." Will asks why she's breaking up with him again; Charlie says it's because he makes Jean Paul uncomfortable. Will describes the situation: "So it's really your ex-girlfriend on behalf of her new boyfriend who sent you a Dear John email?" Charlie: "Yeah, that makes it better." Will wonders what brought this on. He and Charlie start pedeconferencing as Charlie says that Zoey's being inducted in the DAR, and there's a reception: "And Jean Paul thinks it's unnatural. And he's the son of a Count." Will, with annoyance: "Oh, who isn't?" Heh. "Unnatural'? I don't understand Jean Paul's objection. Mind you, I don't understand why he's still on this show at all, either. Will asks if Charlie's going to take this lying down. Charlie says he'll be standing up most of the time: "What other way is there for me to take it?" Will suggests that he can be belligerent about it. He advises Charlie to say "no" respectfully. Charlie asks what that would sound like. Will says, "'Zoey, you say Jean Paul is uncomfortable with our relationship and he'd prefer I not be around. And I respectfully say no.'" Charlie asks if Will has a girlfriend right now. Will says he doesn't. Charlie elicits the information that the last time Will had a girlfriend was nine months ago...for a couple of days. Charlie: "Okay." Aw. And we were making such progress in the forums constructing our case for a gay identity for Will. It's not too late, though. Will: "In my own defence, she was a psycho." Charlie: "So why are you giving me relationship help?" Will: "Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend." Charlie: "God, that's really true, isn't it?" C.J. hails Will from down the hall, saying, "She's coming right now." Will takes off.
Amy walks up to meet them. C.J. says she thinks they've solved her problem. Amy wonders which problem. Oh, it's Mrs. Hyacinth Fitznipple-Bellicose or whatever her name is again. She's in the Mural Room. C.J. tells her to go in there and talk it through and, if that doesn't work, tell her that FLOTUS wants to give her an award tonight. Amy: "I make up an award?" C.J.: "Save yourself a headache." Amy: "Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh..." Will: "It's not a hazing. They don't do that." He feels in his pocket. "Except...yes, you put olives in my pocket again." He pulls them out. Ick. C.J. admits to putting olives in his jacket, but assures Amy that this is on the level. They all start to go in the room but C.J. stops them, saying she's got to make sure she doesn't laugh, and that she needs a minute to collect herself. Amy: "Oh, God..." C.J. collects herself, and they go in.
Inside, C.J. greets a Mr. Thomas, who's with this older, Hoity McToity type. Mr. Thomas stands up; Mrs. McToity doesn't. Mr. Thomas is more or less blocking her view of the staff and vice versa. C.J. introduces everyone (including "Amelia") in a rapid, nervous way, and suddenly the dowager stands up and says, "I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye!" in a craggy, emphatic voice. C.J. bursts into laughter, and over giggles she can't stifle, tries to apologize, saying she was thinking of this thing that just happened. Marion stiffens and everyone else looks stunned. C.J. continues, "This thing that just happened...with the deficit!" Heh. Amy says, "Oh, God," and pulls C.J. aside, excusing them as she goes. She asks, "Is this a hazing?" C.J. still can't stop laughing. C.J. swears it's real, and that she only laughed because of the name: "You gotta fix it." Amy leaves C.J. there and returns to Mrs. McToity, who introduces the man as her secretary, Mr. Thomas. Amy says that Abby was saddened to hear that Mrs. McToity wasn't going to be attending the reception tonight. Mrs. McToity replies, "She was saddened? That doesn't sound like Abigail." C.J.'s still trying to collect herself, snickering quietly. Amy tells her that it was supposed to be a surprise, but that Abby wanted to give Mrs. McToity an award. Marion wants to know what the award is for. C.J. is still killing herself laughing, but is trying to do it as quietly as possible. Amy says it's for Mrs. McToity's many years of service. Mrs. McToity: "Is this the Liberty Award?" Amy screws up her face like someone offered her a rotten-egg sandwich and says, "No," looking to Will for help. He gestures from behind them with a key. Amy: "It's a key." Then he grabs the flag that's standing there and she says, "Francis Scott Key. It's the Francis Scott Key Key." I thought he was going for Betsy Ross, but hey, whatever. Mrs. McToity: "Well, that is a different fox hunt altogether, isn't it?" Oh, indubitably. C.J. is still struggling to get herself under control. Amy: "You'll be there?" In her hoitiest tone, Mrs. McToity says, "I will strongly consider it, yes." They all thank her and leave. Outside, C.J. says, "You know what happened? I didn't have my game face on. Anyway, problem solved." Amy spots Josh and runs off to talk to him.
Josh: "Hey, is it true your office door fell down?" Amy: "Yeah. I understand how you did that. How'd you get the stuff to fall off the wall?" Josh: "The guys from Army Counter-Intelligence. Good bunch of boys. I don't ask questions." Amy starts to ask Josh something, and he cautions her to wait. Amy: "Why?" Josh: "It's a public lobby." Amy says, a bit loudly, that she doesn't know launch sequences. Josh assures a passing staffer, "She really doesn't, so everything's fine." She wants to know whether he would consider having the senior staff write a Statement of Administrative Policy. Josh says that they write SAPs all the time: "Saying what?" Amy wants them to write that POTUS should veto a Foreign Ops bill if it comes to him with a gag rule. They briefly have the same argument they already had about this, and then Amy says, of the SAP (which is public), "Maybe it gets enough moderate Republicans..." Josh doesn't think it will; Amy says it might. Josh wonders what happens if it doesn't. Amy: "Then it doesn't and he signs it." Josh objects: "Then we look like a bunch of empty shirts." Amy says that's vanity. Josh says it isn't: "I'm at my most effective for this country when lawmakers are under the impression I have influence with the President. So's Leo, so's Toby, so's C.J., so's the Vice-President. We're not giving back Roe. We're gonna swallow it on Foreign Ops, that's all. It's a good package. I'm celebrating tonight." Amy: "With the Daughters of the American Revolution?" Josh: "The daughters of any revolution will do." That's our Josh. He ain't fussy. He says he's not going to ask for an SAP on it, but that he doesn't mind if Amy goes over his head and asks Leo to call for it. She thanks him and walks away. He calls out, "It's okay to tell Mrs. Bartlet that you disagree with her, you know." Amy asks, "What makes you think I disagree with her?" Josh: "I know everything." Amy says she'll see him tonight.
They've finally got a lawyer in Toby's office with Burt, Toby, and Josh. Burt is explaining how the company hides the pertinent information about chemical levels in reports. They talk about how Mike (another favourite Sorkin name), the lawyer, did his undergrad in chemical engineering and then went to law school. Josh wants to get back to the problem. Toby tells Mike that they want the Justice Department to grant Burt immunity under the Whistle Blower Statute, and that Burt can testify against his employer tomorrow: "It will do tremendous good for us in terms of winning this one." Josh points out, "Plus, we retard Kearney-Passaic's progress in killing people." Toby agrees that there are several positive outcomes. Josh asks Mike if Burt can get Whistle Blower status. Mike doesn't think it matters. Toby would like to know why. Mike: "Well, you're talking about the Anti-Retaliation Provisions of the False Claim Act. This entitles an employee to relief [if he is] fired or demoted or suspended or in any manner discriminated against because of lawful acts done by the employee on behalf of the employer. These acts weren't lawful." He goes on to ask Burt how he became aware that the EPA documents were being falsified. Burt says he's the senior engineer. He initialled the reports. Mike: "Well, let me ask you this the way the federal prosecutors will: 'Did you knowingly and purposefully sign fraudulent documents submitted to federal authorities?'" Burt starts to make excuses, and Toby says, "Oh, my God!" What a weasel. What a dirtbag. Mike: "Yeah, he doesn't need 37-30. He needs immunity from criminal prosecution. I'll tell you what else: he better get it." Josh wonders what that means. Mike explains that Josh and Toby would be compelled to name him and recount everything they've been told when the U.S. Attorney subpoenas them to appear before the Grand Jury. Josh: "We have to turn him in now?" Mike says they don't have to, but that they'll go to jail as co-conspirators if they don't. Josh: "I don't understand. All I did was get up in the morning." He turns to Toby: "Then I got a message to come see you." Toby: "How come [Mike] knows about the rule that says..." Josh says that everybody knows about the rule. Toby wants to know, "Was something else on your mind that moment in law school, when they taught that rule? Were you distracted by a bumblebee?" Hee. Mike suggests that Burt come to his office while they call his lawyer. Toby is surprised to learn that Burt has a lawyer. Toby wonders why Burt came to him with this. Toby decides he doesn't care: "Mike, let's get him immunity." After they leave, Josh asks if Toby's going to the DAR thing tonight. Toby just glares at him. Josh: "It's not that I didn't know federal law...it's...we got in a little deep before I was able to...you know, summon that..." Toby: "Shut up."
Amy's in the Residence telling FLOTUS about her progress, or lack thereof, so far, while Abby gets ready for the DAR thing. Abby's not very impressed with Amy's efforts, which have included going to Leo at Josh's suggestion. Amy says that the SAP angle makes Bartlet's administration look like it doesn't have its act together. Abby: "They're exporting religious doctrine! They don't have their act together. Are they playing you? Like the diplomas falling off the wall?" Amy says no. They walk out onto the portico as Amy says, "They didn't stump me, ma'am. We simply exhausted our options, which was fairly predictable." Abby wants to know what options they exhausted. Amy tells her all the thing she tried. Abby wonders if the staff would consider attaching another amendment: "We put condoms in every classroom 'round the globe." Amy does not think the staff would consider that: "It would kill the Foreign Ops bill." Abby: "You tried to kill the welfare reauthorization because you didn't like marriage incentives. Wasn't that choking off money to the poor to cater to a women's issue?" Amy says she hoped it would change the bill before the vote. She says in this case, there's no hope of that. Abby: "Well...thanks for the pep talk there." She marches into the DAR reception.
Charlie's at his desk (I think -- most of this episode is shot so that you can't quite tell where you are, with tight shots and distant shots and odd angles) when someone delivers a freshly baked baguette. Yes, it's Pierre EscargoAway. He's in a suit and says that he was to meet Zoey by the car: "Is it here?" Charlie has no idea what Frenchie's on about. Frenchie repeats that he's supposed to meet Zoey by the car: "Is that here?" Frenchie and Charlie have a confused, circuitous conversation about being in a building and being, you know, inside. Frenchie's exasperated: "There are many entrances and driveways and I think you know I meant that." Please, please, Charlie, punch him in the face. Not because he's with Zoey; just because he's so wretchedly snotty. Charlie: "I swear to God, Jean Paul, I had no ungodly idea what you were talking about." Frenchie talks about Zoey's induction into the DAR, and adds, "They think it's possible I have ancestors who fought for the colonies." Charlie confides, "Well, they think it's possible my great-great-grandfather's Thomas Jefferson, so..." Ha! My only out-loud laugh of the whole show. Though I think Charlie needs a couple more "greats" in there. Frenchie smirks a bit and asks: "Is that so?" Charlie finally figures it out: "You're stoned right now." Alexis de Tokeville (tm Sprojunky) doesn't deny it. Charlie continues: "That's incredibly risky when you're around Zoey. It's unbelievably stupid. So could you be careful with that?" Frenchie doesn't really respond to this; he just puckers up his lips some more in that obnoxious way he does before almost every new speech. I wish someone would tell him it's possible to be French, or speak English with a French accent, and not do this. Frenchie asks again where Zoey meant for him to meet her. Charlie: "The Ellipse." Frenchie buzzes off. Oh, God. An incredibly dumb slice of French toast, anyone?
DAR party. Donna's complaining to Josh that her storyline is tedious, ridiculous, and a complete waste of her talents. Josh knows it's true but is contractually obligated to disagree. Donna implies that this may have been a Laverne and Shirley storyline. Josh isn't going to sit idly by while Donna disses Laverne and Shirley. Donna tells Josh she loathes him. Josh eats it up. And that's exactly all the time we're going to spend on this storyline, since it's not funny, goes nowhere, and has no payoff or point whatsoever. Other than to mention that the DAR chick who's Matthew's date looks like a young Miss Manners with a Julie Nixon hairdo.
Leo arrives at the party and runs into C.J. and Will. He quietly tells them that the hydroclimatologists and geologists he's been hanging with all day blame the Alaska thing on greenhouse gas. C.J. says they can't politicize it. Leo says they have to; it's politics. C.J. says it's disrespectful. Leo agrees: "And we'll have to say so." Leo says that Hilary Toobin is ready to be publicly scolded by the White House: "She'll call for a 25% decrease in emissions over the ten years, and you'll reprimand her for politicizing the tragedy." He asks what Will thinks. Will thinks it's right, but that he should be the one to do it. C.J. says Will doesn't want to do that. Will agrees that he doesn't, but adds that he doesn't think a researcher at the Interior is going to jump-start this in the way they need it to be. Leo appreciates it.
Zoey arrives at the White House -- not at the Ellipse, either. Charlie's waiting for her as she steps out of her limo in high heels; a tight, shiny black knee-length dress; and a black jacket. She looks gorgeous, though her hair's piled on her head in a pretty sloppy, not terribly flattering way. It also looks less red than it used to. Go back to the red. Charlie says: "Look at that DAR dress you're wearing. Man, that's fantastic." Zoey seems caught off-guard -- and why wouldn't she be? She's expecting Alexis de Tokeville, not Thomas Hemings-Jefferson Jr. Jr. III. Charlie tells her, "You could churn butter in that thing." She wonders if Frenchie was unable to meet her. I hope Charlie tells her that Frenchie couldn't find his way out of his pants without help at the moment. Instead, Charlie just tells her Frenchie's waiting at the Ellipse. Zoey says she never uses the Ellipse. Charlie says he forgot. Zoey starts to reproach him, but he says, "You send me an email?" She wants to know what she was supposed to do. Charlie: "Not send me an email." Zoey says that Frenchie's very jealous of Charlie: "And I'd like to try to make this work, so if you don't mind..." Charlie minds. Dude, seriously, Zoey's not worthy of you, and I'd like you to stop here before my very high opinion of you falls. Zoey doesn't think that matters. Charlie thinks it does. Zoey furrows her brow and asks, "Are you going to do what I asked in the email?" Charlie is not. Zoey: "You just refuse?" Charlie smiles: "I do. I refuse respectfully." Zoey smiles and looks pleased despite herself. Oh, ick. Charlie's going to refuse to respect her wishes to be left alone to pursue another relationship and she eats it up? No wonder people don't know what the hell constitutes a healthy relationship. Zoey says, "You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time." Charlie: "Watch me. Ask again." You know, it doesn't help that Dulé Hill is so damn fine. Zoey: "Stop pursuing me." Charlie: "Respectfully...no." Zoey asks why. Charlie: "'Cause I'm in love with you...and that's the way it goes." Zoey looks flustered and flattered, and says, "I have to go inside to dinner." She leaves. Charlie looks pleased with himself. He asks, "How long before you think Jean Paul figures out you're there?" Zoey: "Oh, shut up!" As the doormen close the door behind her, Charlie jumps up and touches the light fixture above him.
Donna, Matthew, and Julie Nixon-Manners. Snooooooze.
Toby's at the party and spots Burt, who says he was told it was okay if he walked around. Toby: "It didn't occur to me until I asked why you didn't tell your lawyer. You knew what you were doing the whole way, right? Get the President's muscle to lean on Justice for immunity." Burt: "I'm scared of criminal prosecution. I was terrified of it." Aw, cry me a river. Maybe you should have thought of that when you were signing off fraudulent reports and cashing your big fat cheques for doing so. He continues, "But to my credit, I think I'm righting this wrong." That's great. You get a toaster with that new moral bank account you've just opened. Toby: "After three years. That's something. That's quite an impressive ethical learning curve." Burt: "It's not as clear-cut as you think." Toby gives one of his mirthless little chuckles. How I love those. Toby: "Really?" He just stares at Burt, and then says, "The U.S. Attorney's going to grill you for a while, but you'll get the immunity. And don't ever darken my doorstep again, you dirtbag bastard." That might have been me saying that last part.
The DAR types are herded to the trough for dinner. Abby comes up to Amy to say something, but before she can, Amy launches in by reciting her résumé: "Ma'am, I spent a year and a half as Issues Director for NOW, two years as Political Director of Emily's List, Founder of the Democratic Women's forum, AA to Hope Schrader, and Director of the Women's Leadership Coalition." Abby tries to interrupt, but Amy continues: "Excuse me, ma'am, but I beat back five anti-choice Judicial nominees, got the Violence Against Women Act reauthorized with a Republican majority, and raised $22 million for House candidates. All while, this White House, your office included, allowed equal pay to be pushed off the agenda, allowed marriage incentives to be put in welfare reform, buried a Surgeon General's report on birth control, and allowed the global gag rule in the first place. You hired me to put a professional face on your office. This bill's going to be law tonight. If you want to fire me, fire me."
Now that Amy's finished browbeating her new boss with her credentials, Abby says she doesn't want to fire her. She just wanted to tell Amy she had a good first day. That might have been cute if it weren't a variation on the theme of every first day and/or job interview any employee ever had on this show. It's always, oh, everything goes wrong and the new hire looks bumbling and incompetent and timid but of course the boss understands that that's just the way it goes sometimes even if the boss was busting the employee's nuts all day and at the end of the day the boss testifies to the utter faith boss has in employee's competence. Is it just my imagination, or does nobody ever make any hiring mistakes on this show? Man, even when Karen sold Leo up the river she got a second chance. It's amazingly difficult to get fired in this place. Unless you call Ainsley a bitch. Amy sheepishly admits that she jumped the gun. I'm hoping Abby will say something like, "Button up, missy...the lip and the blouse." But no such luck. She says, "This is strange for me, Amy. I used to babysit for you. Give me a little time." Babysit? Seriously? Amy admits: "I used to get you in some jams." Abby says she did. She suggests that they go to dinner. As they walk off, Amy tells Abby that Abby will be giving someone an award tonight: "The Francis Scott Key...Key. I didn't know you were related to pirates. That's pretty hot." Abby says she's related to a privateer, and wants to know what this key is. Amy: "I've written some remarks." Which, unfortunately, we don't get to hear. We also, despite a storyline about Zoey's induction in the DAR, do not even get to see Zoey and her mother together, never mind with both of her parents. The hell?
First Bedroom. Jed's in his robe, watching a news report about how Will Bailey's catching flak for remarks to the effect that "reckless disregard" for the issue of global warming caused the deaths in Alaska. As Abby enters in her shiny red pyjamas, Jed says Will's a good boy. Abby says she gave a made-up award to Mrs. McToity tonight. Jed: "Marblehead?" Abby says she thinks Mrs. McToity is from Marblehead. Jed says, "No, some of us call her Marblehead." Abby tells him she was going to boycott the thing. Jed: "Because you're a pirate?" Abby says that was seventeen generations ago. She makes excuses for her pirate ancestor as she closes the curtains. Jed knows. Abby fires a shot: "You put a guy on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals who called sexual harassment 'a flight of fancy for the over-indulged.' You put him on the Tenth Circuit!" Jed: "Today?" Abby: "Three years ago, and TANF cut child care subsidies, and equal pay got pocket vetoed, and abstinence only, and teacher funding initiatives...and I didn't do a lot or really anything to stop them." Abby's thrashing the bedding around as she prepares to get into bed. Jed says she did, as he packs up all his papers and books spread over the bed. Abby: "And now this thing! I want to contribute, is all. Like Will tonight, screwing up on purpose." Jed: "We don't need to ask you to screw up, Abby. You do it by..." Abby snaps that she's not kidding around. Jed says he can't publicly reprimand her: "We save you for other things." Abby throws some more bed covers around and climbs in: "Okay."
Jed asks if Abby wants to hear about Max Weber. He tells her, "German thinker Max Weber said that politics is 'the slow boring of hard boards, and anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul.' Do you know what that means?" Come on, Abby knows who Max Weber is. Corey Clark probably knows who Max Weber is. That was for members of the viewing audience, and pretty clunky. Just mention him and let people go look him up if they don't know who he is, or don't bother. Talk about the slow boring of hard boards. Abby replies, "I like how you think patronizing me is going to make me feel better. It's sweet." Jed: "It means that change comes in excruciating increments to those who want it." Like some of the plot and character development on this show. He states, "But Zoey Bartlet is the newest Daughter of the American Revolution, so I like our chances for the long run." Abby: "That's what you have to say?" He says yes. She says, "All right, it's pretty good. What do you think...wait a few weeks?" Jed nods: "Until the bulk of the bill is appropriated." Abby agrees, suggesting that maybe the percentage of the funding covered by the gag rule could be capped: "I mean, how do you monitor what a doctor says to a woman in Zimbabwe anyway?" Jed says you don't. She turns off the lamp, saying, "We'll just get more aggressive on the domestic side." Jed says they will. Abby: "Move family planning into a discretionary account in year's budget rounds." Jed tells her to keep talking. He's going to turn off the light. She asks if he's getting up at 6:00 tomorrow. Jed: "No, I have to get up early." The bedroom goes dark.