By Deborah
Shout-out to JohnConstantine.
It's Election Night, 12:15 AM. Everyone's celebrating in the West Wing as the coverage of the election continues on television monitors -- to which no one is really paying much attention. The talking heads are discussing the distinct possibility of the late Horton Wilde winning the California 47th. The camera drifts gently around the room until we get a glimpse of Donna sitting in Toby's office, where the only light is coming from the bullpen and the televisions. Then we see Sam sprawled out on Toby's couch with a drink in his hand. He's telling Donna, "He said...what he said was this...he said, 'a probable impossibility is preferable to an improbable possibility.' The impossible is preferable to the improbable. What did he mean? He meant that it's okay to have a broomstick and sing and dance, but you shouldn't turn on the radio and hear the news report you need to hear." Donna's perched on the arm of a chair, with her chin in her hand, listening empathetically as Sam goes to the zoo. Donna: "Want some cake?" He doesn't. Well...what kind? Donna doesn't know: "Cake." Sam: "They have flavours." She really doesn't know. Sam: "It was a confluence of events that I'm saying, if you pitched it to a Hollywood movie producer, they'd tell you that Aristotle says, a probable impossibility is preferable to an improbable possibility." Yes, I'm almost certain that's what the average Hollywood producer would say. Especially Jerry Bruckheimer. Donna doesn't think so either, but says she sees Sam's point. Sam: "The Midwest, the RNC exits, a dead candidate...a rainstorm! It's Aristotle all over the place." Donna turns Toby's televisions off. She suggests he join the party, since everyone's asking for him. Sam: "You really don't know what kind of..." Donna: "It's cake! It's cake." Sam says that when he talked to Kay Wilde she had tears in her voice and that her husband loved POTUS: "Admired his integrity. Yes, we're big on integrity. By the way, when I said I'd run in his place, it's not like I meant it." Donna walks over to Sam, saying they should go to the party. She reaches down to take him by the hand; Sam dutifully raises his hand. But she doesn't just grasp his hand; she puts her hand about halfway down his forearm and slides it up to his hand until their hands are clasped, as she gently pulls him up and he allows himself to be pulled. It's not lewd at all, just a small, sweet, intimate thing. Why these two aren't seriously dating is just an enormous mystery to me. I know Sam would be worried about stepping all over Josh's toes, but frankly, if the situation were reversed, I doubt Josh would lose any sleep over it. Go for it, Sam. She convinces him that there are TVs everywhere, and that he'll know the minute they're ready to report the results. He says she's right.
Sam and Donna arrive out in the bullpen just in time to see the report from Newport Beach. Sam sighs gently, knowing what's coming. As the very excited reporter begins her segment, Sam asks Bonnie and Ginger to get him Will Bailey and Kay Wilde very quickly, but I'm not sure they hear him, especially since everyone's applauding this unlikely Democratic victory. But there's Bonnie on the phone in the background. Sam bounces up and down nervously as the reporter says that Chuck Webb has conceded the election. Sam asks again for Will Bailey as Donna watches Sam. The anchor asks the reporter who the Democrats might run in the special election. Sam: "Get him! Gotta get him!" I'm thinking that ship's sailed, Sam. The reporter says that there's no official word yet, but that she can report a rumour that's been making the rounds. Sam, exasperated: "Of course you can! Why not?" The reporter makes her announcement as the people around him in the room fall silent. Sam looks at the stunned faces surrounding him, especially Bonnie's, and says quietly to the guy to him, "They're talking about someone else," as the news program throws up a picture of him. Sam suddenly calls out, wondering if anyone knows where Toby, Josh, and C.J. are. He hustles into the hallway shouting for them; Larry tells them, "They're over in the...thing." Sam makes his way through a crowd of people, quickly saying "Hi" to one of them, then through the empty hall near Donna's cubicle until he arrives in C.J.'s office, which is lit with lamps with gauzy red scarves draped over them, candles, and a blue lava lamp. Toby, Josh, and C.J. are there. C.J.'s on the phone, and she says to Josh, "Sam Donaldson from the ABC Nightly News program is on the phone. He'd like to know if the President is endorsing Sam." Josh asks Toby if POTUS is endorsing Sam. Toby, smoking a stogie, says he doesn't know. "He's asleep, but let's go ask him." Sam just looks exasperated. They all get up to go and Sam says, "All right," and closes C.J.'s door. Credits.
Sam says that it's extremely easy to explain: "First of all...okay...how familiar are the three of you with Aristotle?" Josh, Toby, and C.J. all start talking at once, and Sam says he said it for the widow: "She wanted a name for election night and I said, 'Use my name,' not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of Rising Sun?" He gestures to a scarf-covered lamp. C.J.: "Yes." Toby: "You did it for the widow." Sam: "Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me." He sighs. Toby glances at C.J. Sam says he has to talk to the widow. C.J. advises him to talk to POTUS first. She reminds him that Bartlet will be asked about it first thing in the morning, and shouldn't be left in the position of looking like a clueless dummy. Sam sees the wisdom of this and takes off. As he leaves, Toby watches him go and then turns back to Josh and C.J. with the sweetest little smile on his face. It's hard to say whether he's amused at Sam's predicament or busting with pride, or both -- though I prefer to believe the latter -- but it's adorable as heck.
First Bedroom, fire and candles burning, Dean Martin singing, "Love Me, My Love." Jed, in light blue pyjamas and dark blue robe, is fixing drinks and talking to Abby, who's in the bathroom/dressing room: "I don't want to intimidate you, but it turns out I'm the first Democrat in twenty years to make a clean sweep of the Plains states. And I'm not just talking about Iowa and Nebraska." Abby asks, "Are you trying to turn me on now?" Jed, gently shaking the cocktail shaker: "Yeah." Abby appears at the door, still in her red Election Night suit, and says, "All right." She disappears again, as Jed says, "I won the Dakotas, the Badlands, the Black Hills..." Hee. Badlands. He continues: "But let's go down, way down, to the Deep South and the yoomid bayou of Louisiana and its nine electoral votes." He pours drinks and dabs some gin or whatever behind each ear. "What manner of man it must take to win the state, which, by the way, is the only one operating under the Napoleonic Code of France. And I still don't know what that's all about, but back to me..." Abby appears again, still in her suit, as Jed hands her her drink. She asks, "Hon, this is, like, nerd hot talk?" Jed asks, "Who's your Commander-in-Chief?" Abby simpers and puts on a twelve-year-old voice and says, "You are." That's definitely more than I needed to know. Jed clinks her glass (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and says, "Yes." She wanders off again as Jed says, "And do the ladies like him? Oh yes. To the tune of 58%."
There's a knock on the door and Charlie comes in, looking wearily apologetic. Jed says he thought they had an understanding about interruptions tonight: "I thought we were men." Charlie explains that Sam needs to see him. Jed tells Charlie to send Sam in. Sam comes in, saying he hopes he's not there at a bad time. Jed, in his robe, holding a drink, asks: "No, what would make you say that?" Sam takes in the candlelight and the Dean Martin and remarks, "Actually, it looks as if I couldn't have picked a worse time." Jed, quietly: "No, no, you could have and I'm not going to take any chances, so let's do it now." Sam tells him about the Wilde win and informs Jed that he might be asked if he's endorsing the Seaborn campaign. Jed: "Am I?" Sam says he's not really running. Jed, raising his glass: "Then I'm behind you 100%." Sam starts to explain his promise to Kay Wilde, when suddenly Abby appears at the door again, wearing nothing but a dark blue satin pyjama shirt and high heels. Great legs. I should look so good when I'm fifty-eight. Hell, I didn't look that good when I was eighteen. Abby flirtatiously says, "Hello, Mr. President," before she sees Sam standing there, and then leans against the door frame, sighing, "Oh, my God." Jed laughs, "Yeah, look, honey, Sam stopped by." Sam looks sheepishly at Jed. Abby says, "Hi, Sam." Sam turns to look at her, smiles, and says, "Hi." Jed: "Eyes front, mister." Sam says he'll have everything taken care of within a few hours, and that Jed doesn't need to worry about it. As he leaves, Sam asks, "Is this Dean Martin?" Jed says it is. Sam: "Good." Jed: "Thank you." Out in the hall, both Bonnie and Ginger are waiting for Sam; he asks them to keep trying Will Bailey for him.
Wyatt Victory Party, 1:15 AM. Toby arrives and is congratulated on Andi's win, as well as on his impending fatherhood. He gets called "Papa." Aw. Toby wonders where Mama is. She's in the middle of the crowd, toasting the "great state of Maryland!" Toby runs up to her and tells her not to drink the champagne; she assures him, "It's ginger ale, crazy boy." Don't you think Toby's just going to be the cutest, fussiest dad ever? Cannot wait for May. I'm already ferklempt; I should be a right mess by then. Toby: "Yeah, okay...ginger ale can be bad according to the latest studies." Commissioned by Pepsi, I'll bet. Andi puts her arm around Toby and shouts, "My man got the President reelected tonight!" Everyone cheers and raises their glasses. Then Andi plants a big kiss on Toby. He puts his hand on her cheek while they kiss. And it's not a peck or quick smooch. She kisses him on the mouth. I am not making this up. People, I nearly fainted. Even rewatching this I can hardly believe it. I am dumsquizzled. All that "just kiss already!" stuff must work. It must be the new keyboard I got lost month. I wonder what else I can conjure up with my magical keyboard. Maybe if I type "peace on earth" a million times...? Anyway, Toby says, "That was very pleasant." Andi laughs.
Toby asks if they can talk for a second and leads Andi off the little platform they're on. She grabs a cracker or hors d'oeuvre or something as they go. Toby says she won with 85% of the vote. Andi says she doesn't really understand the 15%, but what the hell. Eighty-five percent? Wow. Hey, I love Andi, but who was she running against: a jive-talking robot? ["If there were more jive-talking robots, I might start watching again." -- Wing Chun] Toby: "As long as you scraped by with a win. Look, a...a statement." Andi says they've already been through this. Toby reminds her that Roll Call has the news of Andi's pregnancy, and that Toby and Andi have to deal with it. Andi says she doesn't. She starts to wander away. He says, "'Congresswoman Wyatt, are you pregnant?'" Andi: "'None of your business.'" She should say "none of your beeswax" because that's much more effective. Toby says she can't withhold that from her constituents. Andi: "That reminds me, did you hear the rumour that the President has multiple sclerosis and never told anyone?" Toby: "Yeah, did you hear the rumour that there was a Congressional investigation and it almost detonated his Presidency?" Andi can't believe Toby's worried about her: "I just won by 85%." Toby says he's not worried about her. She knows: he's worried about how it looks to have a senior counsellor fathering children out of wedlock. Toby: "Yeah, you know what? Single moms are a lot more sympathetic than deadbeat dads, so I wouldn't gallivant." Andi smiles, puts her hand up to Toby's cheek, and says, "You're not a deadbeat dad." She lets her hand rest on his shoulder; he reaches up and rests his hand on her upper arm. Toby: "I know that, and you know that, but if I can't protect my kids, their mom, and the President all at the same time, then I've gotta quit my job, so can you help me out?" Andi: "Yes." Toby: "You'll make a statement?" Andi: "No, but when they ask me who the father is, I won't tell them that, either." She wanders away again. Toby: "I'm the father!" Andi: "And of course, you're at your leisure to tell them that." Toby looks around quickly and asks, "Eighty-five percent of what kind of backward population votes for this woman?" Andi: "The good people of Maryland." She turns to the crowd and calls out, "Maryland!" They all raise their glasses and echo her. She smiles and flounces off. Toby drinks.
"Someone To Watch Over Me" is playing softly as Leo and Jordan dance on the portico. I am not making this up. Leo's giving Jordan the same kind of patter about voting results that Jed was feeding Abby. Did they get together beforehand and work out their strategies for getting laid? I'm just asking. Jordan's holding a single red rose. Leo twirls her. Jordan warns Leo gently, "If you walk me through every demographic, I think the night's not going to have the kind of happy ending you're hoping for." Leo smiles and says, "Got it. Good tip. Keep 'em coming." They snuggle closer as they dance. John Spencer has a fantastic smile. Jordan giggles softly. She suddenly says, "Colonel!" Leo: "Yessss, ma'am." Jordan means the guy standing between the curtains. Leo turns and looks about as thrilled to see him as Jed was to see Charlie and Sam. Less even: Leo knows this is likely to be a much bigger interruption. The Colonel asks if he has a second. Leo says he does. Inside, the Colonel tells Leo there's gunfire in Caracas, Merida, and Valencia. Oh, they're probably just firing shots of joy over the U.S. election results. Or, you know, not. The Colonel continues naming a bunch of bases where there's been movement. Leo: "What about GV?" The Colonel says they stopped broadcasting. They'll be ready to brief in fifteen minutes. Leo goes back to Jordan, swipes the back of his hand decisively under his nose, snorts a bit, hoists up his britches, and says, "Sorry, missy, there's some man's business I gots to attend to." Okay, he actually leans on the pillar and asks, "Can you hang around for a minute? There's about to be a coup in Venezuela." She's holding the rose up by her clavicle, looks at him all dreamy-eyed, and says, "Yeah."
C.J.'s office is packed with drunken staffers singing "House of the Rising Sun." C.J.'s draped across the top of her desk, which looks like it also has one of those fibre-optic light fixtures on it, and she's watching the news coverage. As the drunken crowd drones on, C.J. hollers, "Shh! Hey hey hey with the singing of the song!" She turns up the TV to hear something. An anchor is asking someone to "walk [them] through the tea leaves...what were the indicators for you?" "Walk us through the tea leaves"? The hell? There's a slightly smarmy blow-dried youngster on TV taking all kinds of credit for advising the President on his winning campaign. C.J. watches him through narrowed eyes, and wonders aloud if anyone knows who he is. Josh says, "I think he won the election." Larry and Ed explain that it's Chris Whitaker, a pollster Bruno contracted out of Illinois. C.J. takes off, admonishing the staff, "Don't break things." I think most of the people in the room are too tired and/or inebriated to get up to so much mischief as popping a balloon, frankly. ("Is that what the kids...")
In one of the rooms filled with people, Bruno is chatting up a woman about half his age. She's wearing a low-cut, strappy, clingy black dress, and her short hair's been dyed Courtney Love's white-blonde colour. It's kind of got that dry cotton candy look to it that overbleached hair gets. Yeah, it seems like fun and games when you start bleaching the hair, and at first it's all Marilyn Monroe, but pretty soon your hair's so fried it breaks if anyone breathes near it. No, thank you. Bruno's telling Courtney Jr. that they won the Dakotas: "The Badlands. Sitting Bull is buried up there." C.J. comes pushing through the crowd and smiles at the woman, saying, "Excuse me." She stands there kind of expectantly until Bruno introduces the woman as Ashley, Jane Zalaznick's assistant at the Women's Leadership Coalition. C.J. introduces herself and they shake hands. C.J. pulls Bruno away for a second, and he explains that carloads of women from the WLC and the Women's Action Network are unloading at the Northwest Executive Entrance. Interesting to me that Bruno figures a group of committed feminists constitute an excellent opportunity for his advances. He states, "It is time for watermelon." Sex = picnic references for Sorkin, evidently: barbecuing, watermelon... ["Maybe he has red-and-white checked bedsheets. And an ant farm." -- Wing Chun] C.J., amused, asks if Bruno knows a guy named Chris Whitaker. Bruno, keeping his eyes on the room, kind of nods absently and says, "Widdle." C.J.: "Whitaker." Bruno: "Wittgenstein." C.J. asks if he's drunk. He replies, "A little bit." C.J. repeats the name. Bruno tells her he's a contract pollster. C.J. tells him Chris was on TV claiming credit for Bruno's energy strategy. Bruno's too busy making googly eyes at Ashley to care. Frankly, if C.J. were telling Bruno that Chris was on TV announcing that Bruno fixed the election I don't think he could care less. Bruno makes himself clear to C.J.: "What do I care?" She argues that he's entitled to the status he's earned. Bruno: "The only thing I need status for...I'm doing right now." C.J. says she's going to be watching Whitaker: "We owe you, Bruno." Bruno says she doesn't have to do that: "I got paid. But thanks." He says quietly that he's going to go talk to Ashley. C.J. announces again that she'll be watching this guy. Bruno restates his intention to go talk to Ashley.
Bruno and C.J. split up. As C.J. makes her way through the room, she runs into Donna, and says, "You might want to tell Josh that a few carloads of women..." just as Josh comes shooting through the doors and races toward the Executive Entrance. Donna: "Yeah, he knows." C.J. leaves. As Josh reaches the entrance he hears someone say, "Jawwwsh..." He says, without looking, "Hang on, a couple of people from the Women's Leadership Coalition..." He looks back and sees Amy standing there, bundled up in a coat and scarf. If it's that cold out, wouldn't Jordan and Leo have been pretty chilly on the portico? Josh walks over to Amy and says hello. Amy says hello, and adds, "It's a target-rich environment and I don't want to cramp your style. I just wanted to stash my coat in your office." Josh says sure and gestures toward it; she says, "Come here," and kisses him quickly, on the left cheek, I guess. Hard to tell because the camera's behind his left shoulder.
As Josh and Amy walk toward Josh's office, Amy's rambling about all the elections they apparently bet on and which ones she won and how much he owes her. She's up ninety bucks, but says there's a bond issue in Jasper, Alabama that's going to put her in a new pair of Manolos if it goes her way. Josh, struggling with the lock on his door: "So the guys at Lexington and Concord, they didn't die in vain." He pronounces "Concord" the way it looks, which I'm pretty sure irks a lot of people, especially Bostonians. I believe it's supposed to be pronounced "conquered." Amy says no way. Josh tells her about the Sam thing in the California 47th. She knows; she already heard. Josh rambles on about all the extenuating circumstances as Amy wonders if Josh would like her to open the door. Josh finally does so. Amy mentions that she helped Will Bailey raise money. Josh: "For a dead candidate. Of course you did." He rambles on that Sam's going to have to have the worst conversation of his life with Kay Wilde. Amy says that Sam should run; that's what she came here to tell him. Josh says he'll get killed. Amy says that tomorrow morning, they're going to be dealing with a very angry minority which feels the President didn't do enough to make it the majority. Josh: "Angry House Democrats. I'm shivering. Hold my hand!" He adds that the President's coattails were long enough to get a dead Democrat elected in Orange County: "Any Congressman complaining..." Amy says, "Will be smoothed over if the President sends a top lieutenant, still shining from victory, on a suicide mission to Disney's California Adventure." Josh asks, "You're ahead ninety bucks?" Amy says yes, and reminds him it's early. He tells her to give him his coat. She unwraps her scarf and takes off her coat, revealing a tight, strappy, fairly short red dress. It seems like a little much for what's basically an office party where most people are in business attire. As Josh gawks, she holds out her coat expecting him to take it, instead of throwing it on the chair like a normal person, or you know, hanging it up herself. In a mild dress-induced stupor, he says, "What?" Amy says she didn't say anything. He says her coat will be here. She says she's going to go collect money. He says, "Enjoy," as he watches her go. He hangs up her coat, and paces behind his desk for a while, muttering to himself. He suddenly calls out, "Donna!" She takes half a nanosecond to appear and asks, "How'd you know I was out there?" Josh says he could feel her lurking. He asks her to get Will Bailey on the phone.
Marriott Hotel, Newport Beach. Out in front of the hotel, Will's walking along and being congratulated by someone who passes by. Will thanks the person for his hard work, muttering to himself: "Don't know who you are." Elsie Snuffin comes scampering out of the hotel yelling for him: "Come back to the par-tee!" She climbs through the planter. She's wearing a sleeveless dress that is off-white on the top, with a taupey/flesh-toned band underneath the chest that's stitched to a high-waisted black skirt. It gives the distinctly odd effect that she's wearing a bra with a tube skirt pulled up high. Hell, maybe she is, I can't tell in this light. Will says he's going to sleep, any second now. Elsie says it's the greatest night of his life, and asks, "You're going to sleep?" Will says, "Special reward." She says it's the shank of the evening, and all kinds of volunteers want to dance with him, and he knows what that means. Elsie asks if he's ever going to enjoy himself. Will: "I just beat Chuck Webb; that was a pretty good time." She tells him she's so proud that he's her brother. So he really is her big brother? What happened to Will being the youngest? He says, "Me, too," a couple of times, meaning he's glad she's his sister. I'd like an explanation of the family situation here. It's kind of a big continuity glitch for two new characters both introduced in the same short span of time. They're step-siblings? What's the deal? Will keeps heading away. She keeps trying to persuade him to come back and he refuses. She finally relents, and before he takes off, he tells her, "Don't be wearing that dress all in front of...aw, never mind." He gestures with exasperation and walks off. She just smiles as he leaves and then turns back.
We see Will taking off his jacket as he walks down the hotel corridor to his room. As he arrives, his phone is ringing. It's Josh, who congratulates him. Will returns the congratulations. Josh wants to talk about Sam; Will wonders if it could wait until morning: "It's been a pretty long few months." Josh: "I understand completely, Will. Let me just ask you this: what are the President's unfavourables in the 47th?" So basically, when Josh said he understood, that meant, "I'll just say that, but then we're going to press on with what I want." Josh says he's trying to get a sense of what happens when Sam gets tagged with Bartlet fatigue. Is that communicable? Because I think I may have it. Will says he doesn't have the facts and figures, and that he can call Josh in the morning from the office. Josh: "I just assumed, 'cause, most operatives can recite that kind of thing, you know, at the upper levels." Will quickly recites all the information Josh wants, thereby proving that his penis isn't any smaller than Josh's. Josh thanks him and hangs up, thoughtfully chewing his cud. He wanders out into the darkened office area and asks Donna to find Leo for him.
Donna gets on the horn to Margaret; as she looks up, she notices Lieutenant Commander Jack Reese with an armload of boxes and belongings, trying to find his office. She wanders over to him and asks if he's lost. Jack: "Hey, I know you." He says she didn't tell him she works there. She takes the piece of paper out of his hand, saying she's sure he's in Dr. McNally's wing. Jack says that navigation was never his strong suit in school. As we shall see, neither was chemistry, evidently. Donna asks if he had to study navigation. He says, "Yeah, a lot." She asks where he went to school; he tells her it was Annapolis, Maryland. Donna apologizes for asking a question to which the answer should have been obvious.
Donna leads Reese through the revellers as she asks him to give her a carton. He refuses. As they make their way though the party, he asks, "So, you guys having a party or something?" Donna says they won an election. He heard, and congratulates her. That's some scintillating conversation there, Sparky. Donna wonders if this isn't a strange time to be moving into his office. Sparky explains that he's the 2:00 AM Watch Commander in the Situation Room tonight. Wouldn't he use military time? Just wondering. Sparky asks: "Why didn't you tell me you worked for the White House?" Donna says she didn't want him to feel awkward about voting for Writchie. He says he didn't. Donna knows that, but points out that it's because he traded votes with her. But he was going to. She didn't want him to feel awkward about it.
Sparky and Donna are out of the party area now and going down to what I presume is the basement level. Donna asks, "So why the hell were you going to vote for Writchie?" Sparky says his role at the White House isn't political. Donna: "Is that what they told you to say if somebody asks?" Sparky points out that people usually don't ask. Miss Nosy Parker says that's true, and then asks him again. They finally arrive at his office door. Donna kind of stands there, and since Sparky's hands are full, he asks if she'd mind opening the door. She opens it and flips on the light. It's not the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue, but it's only a couple of steps up. Donna notes that it's freezing in there. Sparky sets his stuff down and thanks her for her help. She tries one more time to find out why he was going to vote for Writchie. Sparky: "Pentagon procurement." Apparently, Bartlet campaigned on a promise to roll it back. Donna: "He wasn't talking about your job, or weapons...he was talking about...$500 screwdrivers." Sparky's phone rings and he answers it. Donna, oblivious, keeps blathering quietly to him as he's listening to his caller. Sparky thanks his caller and hangs up. He says he's being called into work early. It can't be much more than a few minutes, since it's already after 1:15 AM. Donna asks what's going on. Sparky says it sounds like there's about to be a coup d'état in Venezuela. Should he be spreading it around like that? I mean, it's not likely to be top-secret or anything, but shouldn't he keep his cards a little closer to his chest? I don't know. As he leaves, Donna tells him to be careful. Sparky thanks her, but says he's just going downstairs. Wait, aren't they already on the lower level? Maybe the Sit Room is two levels below. How does he know where the Sit Room is if he didn't even know where his office is? Why have they cast someone to be Donna's annual love interest with whom there's zero chemistry? Is Sparky gay? ["Don't ask, don't tell!" -- Wing Chun] So many questions.
Sit Room. One of those military bigshots we've seen before is briefing Leo as everyone gets organized for the meeting. Sparky arrives and enters without saying a word; he walks around the table and stands to the Colonel who interrupted Leo and Jordan. Shouldn't he be saluting the Colonel, and maybe some of the other brass types? I don't know. I'm not versed on all these military niceties. The Colonel introduces Sparky as "Nancy McNally's new man in uniform." Leo welcomes him and asks when he started. Colonel NoName says it was about ten seconds ago. Leo: "Let me say first, this is not a drill." Leo introduces the people in the room: "Major Carson from SOUTHCOM; Adam Hallridge, CIA Venezuela Desk; Troop, Assistant Secretary for Latin American Affairs; and some other people." That last bit made me laugh. Nobody sits for this meeting. It's a veritable mockery of the Sit Room's name. Leo: "Ignacio's two top generals, Martinez and Rojas, threw their support behind Luna, and Martinez placed Ignacio and his Vice-President under arrest." Sparky asks whether their control extends beyond Caracas. Colonel NoName says, "No. Ignacio's got the PDVSA refinery at Punto Fijo." Leo says there are sixty-three Americans in the refinery. Colonel NoName -- whose name I now see from the closed captioning is Whitcomb -- tells Sparky to cull the pertinent intel and put together a two-page briefing for POTUS. Sparky thinks he needs about three hours; the room cracks up. He'll be here all week, people! Well, for two more weeks, anyway. Leo, with a big smile, says, "Twenty minutes, son." Sparky sighs.
Toby and Andi are at a restaurant. He reads his proposed statement: "'My ex-husband, Toby Ziegler, and I are expecting twins in May. We thank you for your good wishes and ask for privacy while we consider reconciliation.' Two sentences." Andi says, "Actually, that's good." Toby agrees, obviously. She says it's harmless. Again, no argument from Papa. Andi says she'll issue that statement, and that will be that. Toby gazes her and says, "Thank you." She hesitates and then says gently, "Toby, wake up! Wake up! Time to go to school!" Toby slaps the table and asks with exasperation, "Oh, what is the problem?" She questions his raising his voice to a pregnant woman. He really didn't. He says as much. She says it was in his inflection. Toby: "Was it?" Andi: "It is not a matter of national security that the public know. I do not waive my Fourteenth Amendment rights." Toby says that Amendment protects her from state action and not the media: "Who, by the way, have their own Amendment." Andi: "There are two dozen members of Congress over the age of eighty, they work on Tuesdays, and no one tonight is questioning their job performance." Toby: "First of all, three of those guys are outstanding Congressmen." And Andi's not? Way to keep putting your foot in it, dude. For a writer, you're pretty careless with words with your wife. Ex-wife, whatever. And: only three out of twenty-four? Yikes. Toby continues, "Second of all, their constituents knew they were eighty when they voted for them." Andi: "You think I wouldn't have been elected if the Maryland 5th knew I was pregnant?" Toby says they're not the ones who are going to throw the picnic. She knows. Toby: "Then what's the problem?" Andi: "I can't stand the ones who are. You know I'm going to get sued. I mean, you know it. The Citizens' League for a Rooty-Tooty Freedom Liberty. They'll work out of a strip mall in Sarasota but they'll be curiously well-funded."
Toby chuckles softly to himself and puts his fingers to his lips. Andi looks at him defiantly. Toby: "You're not trying to avoid a fight." Andi: "Nope." Toby: "You're looking for one. You're sniffing around for a fight." Andi: "Yes." Toby: "Not sniffing around for one as much as...trying to create one. Trying to create trouble where none existed." Andi smiles and says yes. Well, I don't quite get it; if I'd been trying for years to get pregnant and finally did and was carrying twins in what almost certainly has to be a high-risk pregnancy, and I had a high-profile public position, I don't think I'd go looking for this kind of trouble. I'm just saying. Toby: "Well...I can admire that." He kind of screws up his face and puts his chin in his hand and studies her. So cute. She asks if he's told the Bartlets. Toby says he hasn't. Given how many people must know around the West Wing, I can't believe Charlie hasn't caught wind of it and tipped off Jed. In fact, I can't quite believe they've managed to keep it quiet in that last few days between their time at the debate camp and the election; wouldn't Writchie's people have loved to have this to bat around? Andi asks why he hasn't told them. Toby sighs and says, "I came up with a plan to tell them apart in the initial months." Andi says she's thinking she'll dress them differently. Toby: "I was going to hang little signs around their necks." Andi laughs adorably. She asks again why he hasn't told the Bartlets. Toby doesn't know.
Back at the party, Bruno's still occupied with putting the "creep" in CREEP. He's talking to another very shapely woman in a low cut, strappy black dress, She's got long brown hair. She's saying something about how the biggest lies are told after sex, but before something else...that she can't remember. Bruno: "Well, I think it's helpful if lies come before sex. But: 'The biggest lies come after the hunt, before marriage, and during elections.'" The woman says, "Mark Twain?" Bruno: "Nice to meet you. Bruno Gianelli." She laughs. How much has she had to drink? She says, "You're funny. Does winning make you funny?" Bruno: "Losing makes you funny. Winning makes you handsome." Oy. Can we go back to Sparky and Miss Nosy Parker? She says, "Well. You must win a lot." Seriously, I am not making this up. C.J. arrives again and drags Bruno away. When they reach the door, Bruno says, "I am...I am just going to kill you." C.J. glances at Bruno's prey and says with sincerity, "She seems nice." Bruno informs her: "That's the brunette named Annette." C.J. "Wouldn't you just give anything if she was from Tibet?" Bruno: "I'm actually fine with her being from Philadelphia, so please state your business." C.J.'s still on a mission to cut Whitaker off at the knees. Bruno tries to talk her down. C.J.: "I know how to do this! I can end a process story and correct the record at the same time!" Bruno says, "Look at me. We won. It's over." C.J. looks at him with a mixture of vexation and something I can't seem to attribute to anything other than a slight bit of fondness, though it kills me even to type this. She makes one last stab at convincing Bruno he should care about getting the credit he deserves for his part in the success of the campaign. Bruno: "It helps when you cook with the right food. But at midnight, my contract with Bartlet for America expired. I'm taxpayer now, and I'm telling you, I've got bigger problems than who gets credit for a win, and I'd rather the White House not spend time on it." C.J. listens with evident amusement. She shrugs and says okay, and adds: "Hey, if you want to come back to my office, there's an actual still." He says he'll be there. As she leaves, he says, "Speaking of credit...nice win." She just smiles.
In the hallway, C.J. runs into Josh and Amy. Amy and her cocktail are not cramping Josh's style at all by tagging along with him, apparently. Josh tells C.J. he's been talking to a few people, and he thinks maybe Sam should run. C.J. says she's been thinking that, too. Josh: "When the dust settles, what's the story gonna be?" C.J.: "That we didn't take back the House." Josh: "Yeah, like that was our fault. These people make me crazy...'He didn't do enough down-ticket campaigning.' You have any idea how much gumbo that man ate?" "Gumbo" is an excellent word. Amy snipes: "This is what you do, you bounce off the subject." Shut up, Amy. No one cares if you and Josh ever sort out your tedious problems with one another. Amy's distracted by a plate carried by a passing waiter: "Oh, shrimp!" She chases down an hors d'oeuvre. C.J. says she doesn't think running for Congress is what you do to change the story. While Amy is incredibly distracting, masticating her shrimp in the background, Josh says there are real reasons to do it: "Give Democrats in the 47th something to get excited about." C.J. asks Amy for her opinion. Amy thinks Sam should run. She adds, "This shrimp is incredibly good." Josh turns to her and asks the question that's on almost everyone's mind: "What are you doing here?" Amy: "I'm your wingman." I'll tell you who's not getting any tonight.
Just then, Toby returns. The human OTB window, a.k.a. Amy, informs Toby that he didn't have a very good night. Toby says he bet against a Puerto Rican for a Bronx Borough President: "I deserve to lose." Amy informs him of the rest of his wins and losses. Josh asks Amy whether the U.S. Attorney's Office knows about her. Amy says they have her on file. Josh asks Toby if they can talk to him; he says he's going to talk to the Bartlets first. C.J.: "You gonna tell them?" He says he is. C.J.: "Can we come?" He says they can't. As he heads for the Residence, he asks, "They're still up, right?" C.J. says they are. How would they know that? Amy spouts some more election gambling trivia. Josh and C.J. just stare at her and say nothing. Josh tells C.J. he thinks Sam should do it. C.J. just looks at them both and then wanders off without a word.
Sparky returns to his office to find Donna in it, messing around with his radiator. ("Is that what the kids..." Oh, never mind.) Sparky asks if she works on the maintenance staff. Donna explains that she works for Josh Lyman, but that she noticed that the room was cold and so she loosened the radiator. Well, basically, she broke it. She says it should be fine now. That's good, because these two sure aren't going to warm up the room. Sparky verifies that the building does have maintenance. Donna says they're having fun at the party. Sparky: "Oh." Dear God, where's my welding mask? I can barely watch this conversational supernova. Donna: "So...everyone's safe in Venezuela?" Sparky, taking the lid off one of his boxes: "Yeah." I can't decide whether the problem here is that they simply have zero chemistry or Sparky's gay or Christian Slater can't act, or what.
Donna tries again: "Five-hundred-dollar screwdrivers is why you didn't vote for the President?" Sparky says he works for the President: "That's a lot." Hey, you don't have to tell Donna. He keeps unpacking his box. Donna claims it's wasteful spending. Sparky: "No, it's not." Donna: "A $400 ashtray." Sparky sighs, grabs the pipe wrench Donna was using, and smashes the ashtray that's on his desk. It breaks into three solid chunks. Donna: "What was that?" Sparky: "A $400 ashtray. It's off the U.S.S. Greenville, a nuclear attack submarine and a likely target for a torpedo. When you get hit with one, you've got enough problems without glass flying into the eyes of the navigator and the Officer of the Deck. This one's built to break into three dull pieces. We lead a slightly different life out there and it costs a little more money." ["Should people really be smoking on nuclear attack submarines?" -- Wing Chun] He goes back to arranging his belongings. And just because Television Without Pity is nothing if not educational, here's a bit more information about the staggering costs associated with the military, courtesy of JohnConstantine, a self-described Army acquisitions geek: "The reason people see it as a $400 ashtray is because people roll in the RDTE [Research, Development, Test and Evaluation] costs into the per unit cost. In actuality, it doesn't cost that much to manufacture, so every time you make one, the per unit cost goes down. [In addition] sometimes the cost is seen as X, when that's actually because classified items have been rolled into the line for the ashtrays, to conceal our intel spending from prying eyes." Donna says she can't believe he broke a $400 ashtray. Sparky: "Yeah, I wish I hadn't done that. It's...'cause you're blonde." Sure thing. I'm convinced. She asks how it went in the Sit Room. Sparky: "Not my finest hour." Donna, weakly: "You wanna go to the party?" He says he's still on watch. She asks if he can glue the ashtray back together. He says no. he stands up and says, "They'll page me up at the party, right?" Donna says yeah. He chucks something on the shelf and says okay. They leave together. It's kind of sad that the greatest display of passion we see from Sparky is over the issue of Pentagon procurement. Do they not screen-test actors for this show anymore? Maybe they expected everyone to just go ga-ga because it's Christian Slater.
A member of the wait staff wheels in a cart of goodies for POTUS and FLOTUS. Jed takes it the rest of the way into the room and says, "As you can see, we've moved on to the caviar course." Abby's curled up on the sofa, still in the pyjama shirt, but with two large throw cushions over her lap to sort of conceal her legs from the waiter. Good luck; you'd need more than two cushions to keep his eyes off those legs. Abby tosses the cushions aside and says, "I love caviar." Jed knows she does. He hands her a glass, adding, "Stoli Cristal. The most elegant of vodkas." I'm slightly concerned for him with the MS and the drinking, but at least he's not smoking. Abby flings her foot up in the air as she energetically crosses her legs, and I see that she's wearing red high heels. Her hair doesn't look too bad; it's kind of soft and loose. Jed says, "The caviar itself is a product of my advice at the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species. We passed a much more stringent bill against the poaching of Caspian Sea sturgeons." The nerd hot talk just doesn't stop. If he starts talking about the Senate Judiciary Committee, you'll have to hold me back. Abby asks, "This is Oklahoma caviar?" Hee. Jed: "California white sturgeon from the Stillman Sea Farm in Elverta. Only the best." Abby: "Stop! It's getting hot in here!" Well, hotter than Sparky's office. Jed: "Oh, I think you're going to find..."
Someone knocks. Jed excuses himself. It's Charlie again, saying that Leo needs to see him. Jed: "Okay, anyone else?" Charlie says Toby's after Leo. Jed says, "You're young, Charlie. Don't you want to be having fun right now?" Charlie: "Yes, sir. But I work for you." Hee. Jed: "I get that a lot. Leo!"
Leo comes to the door and tells Jed he looks sharp. He calls out a hello to Abby, who's on the couch with the cushions on her lap again. Leo quietly tells Jed what's happened in Venezuela, and that the Americans in the refinery are safe. He says it's over. Jed: "Yeah, well, we kinda knew it was going to be like this." He asks if Jordan's still there, and wishes Leo a good night. Leo: "You know Toby's lurking out here, right?" Jed does. He calls out to Toby.
Leo leaves and Toby arrives at the door. He greets Jed and glances into the room: "Good evening, Mrs. Bartlet. That's a lovely housecoat you're wearing." I know on the page it looks pretty Eddie Haskell, but it really wasn't, so much. Just a bit. Jed says he's in the middle of something and wonders if it's something that could possibly wait until tomorrow. Toby says it is, and apologizes. Then he adds, "I stopped by 'cause I hadn't told you that Andi's pregnant. It's twins, and of course, I'm the father." Jed: "Well, that's great. Well done. See you tomorrow." Toby says, "Yeah," and Jed shuts the door. Abby makes a sound of exasperation: "Jed!" She gets up and calls out to Toby as she throws on an actual robe. Jed opens the door again and Abby says in a nice way, "Get in here!" As Toby passes Jed, Jed says, "I was this close," gesturing with his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart.
Abby: "Andi's pregnant?" Toby: "Yeah. It's twins. A boy and a, um, uh, a girl." Abby looks excited. She takes Toby's face in her hands, kisses his cheek, and says, "That is the most wonderful news! I'm gonna cry." Jed sternly says, "You should marry that girl, Toby." He takes a taste off something on the cart. Toby: "I'm doing my best, sir." Abby asks how far along Andi is. Toby says she's due at the end of May. He says he has a picture, and pulls out the sonogram. Jed: "Wait a second...end of May?" Abby takes the picture and sits down to look at it all excited. Jed says he's doing math in his head. Jed wants to know why he didn't tell them until now. Abby: "Jed, he doesn't need a reason." Jed, suspiciously: "Yeah, but he's got one." Toby: "The truth is, I don't, sir -- at least, not a good one. I was intimidated by your Catholicism." He smiles kind of sheepishly. Jed: "Really?" Toby says yeah. Jed: "It's my Catholicism, Toby. It works for me." Abby: "And me." Jed: "And her. Did you break any laws?" Toby: "No, sir." Jed: "Then a blessing on your house, young man. Mazel tov!" Little nod to Fiddler there, I believe. Jed raises his glass and drinks. He takes the picture back from Abby. As he leaves, he asks, "Is that caviar there?" Abby sweetly says, "Not really, no." Jed: "Let's go." He lets Toby out.
C.J.'s at the party getting herself some coffee. She can hear Chris Windbag behind her bragging to someone that he told Leo McGarry that education is the silver bullet, and that's what this election was about. She walks up behind him and taps him and says, "Chris Whitaker, right?" He seems surprised by her and turns to her. C.J.: "Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you." Chris thanks her, too. C.J.: "No, please. We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you!" She lets out a rich laugh. "But what I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone'll be clamouring for and I like that you're filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I'm calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I'll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House." Chris, having listened to all this pretty shamefacedly, asks: "I really pissed you off, huh?" C.J. warns him, "Don't disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli." She walks off.
C.J. runs into Sam, who says, "I was just on my way. What do you guys need?" They start walking, and C.J. says they need to talk to him. They go back to The House of the Rising Sun, where Josh, Toby and Amy are waiting. Lord, what's Amy doing there? Do we really need her input on this? As Sam enters the room, he says, "Talk to me about what?" C.J. says, "We think you should run." Sam asks why she would think something like that. C.J. says it was Josh's idea. Josh: "Actually, it was Amy's." Sam walks over to Amy: "Why?" Amy gives him some gambling blather, and Sam asks if he can just give her the money. She adds that she thinks he'd be the home-run choice, and that he's going to raise a lot of money. She says she would help him, and adds, "I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best-funded Democrat ever to run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose."
Sam nods at Amy and then looks at Josh. Josh realizes that this is his cue to say something convincing. He says, "I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it." Sam asks Toby, who's standing at the back of the room behind C.J.'s desk, what he thinks. Toby says, "I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So's mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always going to lose in the 47th." Except, didn't a dead one just win? Isn't Sam at least as good as an old dead guy? Toby continues, "You can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that." Sam kind of shrugs: "I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a State Assembly race in Manhattan in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans sixteen to one." He then tells an anecdote about how there was this one right-wing nutbar/candidate who wanted to eliminate the income tax. The guy was so persistent with his appearances and attempts to engage the media that the Democrats finally had to comment on it. Sam asked his campaign manager what they were doing, since neither his candidate nor their issues stood a chance. The campaign manager told him, "This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issues." Sam says, "I came this close to voting for him. So...I don't know about what you just said." Toby thinks for a moment and says, "Then I think you should win." Sam doesn't say anything but sort of gives Toby a little smile. Bonnie arrives, saying she's finally got Mrs. Wilde on the phone. Sam says, "All right," a couple of times. C.J. asks, "'All right,' what?" Sam says, "All right." He asks Bonnie to get him Will Bailey on the phone, too. He wonders if the rest of the Fab Four think he's still up. C.J. and Josh are all, "Oh, yeah." Bonnie takes off and Sam says, "I'm gonna take this call." Josh says, "We'll go with you," and they all follow him as the Music of Rob Lowe's Really Leaving plays.
Leo arrives back in his office to find Jordan curled up on his couch under an Air Force blanket, half-asleep. She rouses herself and Leo says, "Boy, you're in the Air Force, the private sector, the Labour Department, two Presidential campaigns, and rehab, and you think you've seen it all but it turns out you haven't. 'Cause Sam Seaborn is going to be the Democratic candidate for Congress in Orange County." Jordan chuckles and says she thinks it's terrific: "But I would have thought you'd be unhappy." Leo replies, "Why?" Jordan says he's going to get crushed, and she doesn't think it would reflect well on POTUS. Leo: "Well...let me tell you something about process, Dr. Kendall. And I'll do so while tuning this radio to WNKW, 'The Music Of Your Life.' And begging the sun for one more moment of moonlight." That last line really hit. He delivered it perfectly. There are times when I think this show should just be all John Spencer, all the time. He continues, breaking the mood more than a little: "Speaking of the moon, Luna took power tonight. About three dozen people are dead, and Ignacio's under arrest. He'll be dead soon." Jordan: "Well...Luna's who you wanted." Leo replies, "The process matters more than the outcome and that's what we wanted. And therein endeth the lesson." Jordan smiles. Leo stands up, flashes her his beautiful smile, and asks, "Will you dance with me?" She says, "Yes," and gets up. They dance into the dawn. If Amy's still taking bets, I'll wager that somebody in the West Wing gets some tonight.