I just wanted to start by saying this: This isn't my job. This is Doppelganger's job. She's really busy. So am I, but nobody cares. They care even less that I haven't really done any writing in years. Now it's late, I'm tired and hungry, and I hate everybody. ["But we all love you, Larry. For real." -- Wing Chun]
That said...
Previously on The West Wing: The Prez rides a bike into a tree, thus presenting a mild crisis, which lets the characters establish themselves as concerned friends and counselors. Sam sleeps with a hooker -- sorry, call girl, and a bunch of right-wing Christians show just how stoopid they really are.
Cut to the streets of Washington. Mandy, the sassy young publicist who left a $900k p/a job to help some guy named Lloyd get elected President, tools down the street in her BMW convertible to the tunes of some grrl band all the kids are listening to. Upon seeing the senator, she leans on the horn, jumps a curb, and hops out to give him hell for dropping out of the running. Turns out that Lloyd has decided he wasn't ready to be President, so rather than gamble as a challenger, he dropped out for a chance to nominate the president before the election. I imagine this will put him in position to be selected as Veep. Mandy isn't quite as understanding as I am. She is confident that she could have won him the election, and besides, she left a pretty lucrative job to land this guy his job. Perhaps most important, though, is her fear that her ex-beau Josh will be gloating about his victory over a very serious contender.
Mandy's fear is justified. Josh gloats. I suspect that the Moonlighting-esque sexual tension between these two power brokers will titillate us in episodes to come.
All this before the head credits.
C.J. and Toby discuss The Joke. Apparently, The Prez has a really bad sense of humour, which has resulted in a bunch of golfers being offended and refusing a photo op with the Prez. This is of some concern, and they vow to speak with him about it at the upcoming meeting.
Upon being confronted in the meeting, The Prez shifts into crazy-talk mode, which includes some Latin. So he says, "Post hoc ergo propter hoc," which means "After, therefore, because of it." Apparently it's a causality thing, but having rotted my brain with countless, countless hours of television, I lack the computational power to understand what he's talking about. Fortunately, The Prez explains it in plain English. Unfortunately, I still don't get it. I suspect that the speaking-in-tongues schtick is meant to dial us into the concept that The Prez is not just a smart guy, but perhaps he has some mystical connection with the universe that allows him to be a great leader. Needless to say, The Joke issue remains unresolved.
Cut to the arrival of a Navy officer (in uniform) by the name of Dr. Tyler. Mrs. Landingham -- The Prez's executive assistant -- informs him that The Prez is "a little backed up." Now I guess this could be interpreted in the way the doctor reads it, which is to say, she is sorry for any delays, but I think she is trying to tell him that The Prez suffers from constipation. I could be wrong. I kind of have a fixation on this, but this is not the place to discuss it.
Before Doc Tyler can work his magic with the thermometer, Leo moves in for the intercept. Man...Leo is slick, but lovable. I kind of wish he were my boss. I know he'd always be blowing smoke up my ass, but I'd trust him. Anyway, after shooting the breeze about the Doc's newborn daughter, Leo tells Doc Tyler that, despite his low rank, The Prez really likes him and would like him to be his personal physician. The Doc puts up little argument.
Cut to Mandy on damage control. It's bad enough when you quite a $900k job yourself, but when you convince your assistant to join you, I guess you have to put on a brave face. Daisy -- Mandy's assistant -- is naturally concerned about paying rent and is curious to see how Mandy plans on navigating them through this mess. Mandy, it would seem, is a chick who lands on her feet.
Cut to Josh and his assistant Shelley discussing football. Shelley explains to Josh that he owes $100 for losing a bet she placed. Upon questioning, Josh learns that he bet against Notre Dame, favoring instead Central Indiana State. Since I'm not a fan of artificially embiggened special-needs adults standing around in a field for the greater part of the day, I'm left to assume that this is a poor choice if one hopes to make money. Needless to say, Josh is out the cash, and will probably continue to suffer from Shelley's gambling addiction. Exit Shelley.
Josh pulls himself together enough to intercept Toby regarding The Joke. He's very concerned about losing the photo op with the golfers, and others too numerous to mention who seem creeped out by The Prez's "pull my finger" sense of humour. Okay...not once does The Prez say "pull my finger," but I think that might be funny. It would seem that they need a media director to avoid such mishaps in the future. Toby agrees.
They, of course, establish that said media director shouldn't be, couldn't be Mandy. Anybody but Mandy. Exit Josh.
Toby intercepts C.J. en route to a press conference.
At this point, I have to comment on what is sure to be established as some trademark cinematography in this show. I find the way the characters careen down these claustrophobic halls vaguely disconcerting. I'd guess that this would be a great technique to distract us from crappy dialogue except, upon watching each scene ten times, the dialogue remains pretty solid.
Toby gives C.J. some quick tips. Should the conference go in a direction she dislikes, Toby suggests she use The Joke to deflect press attention from more important matters. Cut to the conference.
I don't like the way this scene starts. It's nothing to do with any failing on the show's part; I honestly believe this sort of thing takes place. C.J. opens the press briefing by stating that she suspects it's someone's birthday. Her assistant names a reporter, and everyone smiles -- a creepy, cold acknowledgment of false friendship.
Things get down to business right away, when a reporter questions a strange comment recently made by the Veep: "This is a time when The President needs our support." Apparently this language is "strained." Now...how the cream of the press corps misses C.J.'s glance to Toby on the sidelines, seeking some kind of reassurance, I'm not sure. I mean, talk about suspicious. I guess they didn't have the benefit of hearing the "uh-oh, the jig is up" music we viewers enjoy. She avoids the question, and throws out the issue of The Joke and the resulting diss by the golfers. The press eagerly devours this tidbit.
The camera pans back from a tight shot of the press briefing on a TV. Sam joins Josh and both admire C.J.'s ability to shift the inquisition to the lighter topic of The Joke. Sam has his mind on other things, though. He follows Josh to his office with the intent of unloading (ugh) on Josh.
Having dutifully addressed the pertinent political issues, we finally get to the sex. Whether it be on screen or off, Rob Lowe is the perfect guy for this stuff. Sam is really cute. Not just in a Rob Lowe kind of way, but in a naïve, cute kind of way. ["Is there something you're trying to tell me?" -- Doppelganger] Sam proceeds to inform Josh: "Last week I was out for a late drink and I met this woman named Laurie, and Laurie and I hit it off and spent the evening together, and the day I found out she was a call girl." Josh is concerned. I imagine that this sort of thing could cause trouble. Once they establish that this woman knows whom Sam works for, Josh's concern grows. It grows even more when he senses that Sam is, in fact, attracted to this woman. Apparently, Sam is the sort of guy who brings home sick puppies, birds with broken wings, and -- on occasion -- hookers.
Cautioning Sam to leave it alone, he convinces him to take this to Toby. Toby is smart. He knows a lot about airliner transponder systems, as well as hookers.
This latest problem tagged and filed for future fretting, Josh leaps into the hall for a jog with C.J. C.J. is en route to try and figure out what exactly is up the Veep's ass. Josh begs C.J. to keep this trouble with the Veep off Leo's desk. These two must not come to blows over the Veep's dissent, or the party risks losing voter confidence.
Cut to a photo op. The Veep is speaking French to some guy I assume is French. I imagine the French guy is pretty important for the Veep to speak to him in his native tongue while in the White House. As a Canadian, I should know what they're saying, but I don't. I think it's important that we don't know what the Veep is saying, cause he's probably a jerk and we shouldn't care. ["Plus he's played by Tim Matheson, which spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E." -- Wing Chun] I mean you should see his team. They aren't nearly as cool as the guys who work with The Prez, plus -- PLUS -- they all have these snotty looks that say, "I work for the Vice President of the United States!" Big fuggin deal. Anyway, he is a jerk, because he blows C.J. off, even though she's there on a peaceful mission and attempts to very politely inquire what his problem is. This will not stand.
With that unpleasantness behind us, we cut to The Prez's check-up. Doc Taylor and The Prez enjoy witty banter, where we establish that the Prez does, indeed, have a very bad sense of humour. I mean, I know it's supposed to be bad, but really, it kind of makes him seem crazy. Especially since he frequently tells long, boring stories in a folksy manner that makes him seem like a senile old man. The scene is intended to be fairly important, as it once again shows us the side of the President that is folksy, charming, warm, and wise. He fires off a series of questions, the intent of which is unclear. He could be mining for information, since he does like the Doc, but I guess it's also The Prez's way of putting people at ease. For example:
Prez: Where are you going?
Doc: Amman.
Prez: What's in Amman?
Doc: Teaching hospital.
Prez: When do you leave?
Doc: Two hours.
Prez: What's my temperature?
Doc: 56 degrees.
Prez: Fahrenheit?
This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. With comfort levels approaching normal, The Prez opens up to the Doc with an explanation of his rapid heart rate. He knows himself fairly well. He recognizes his superior ability to converse with heads of state, royalty, even the Pope, but we learn his secret fear: Army guys. The Prez, it would seem, is a peace-loving hippie at heart, and sitting down with the Joint Chiefs of Staff gives him the willies. He compares his discomfort to that he experienced at his father's dinner table. Can't say I blame him. Army guys are scary. It's not the discipline thing -- it's the war thing. The Prez says, "I'm not comfortable with violence. I know this country has enemies, but I don't feel violent toward any of them." This, he expects, is not what the Joint Chiefs want to hear. Doc reassures him, though, that he has nothing to fear; these are good men who follow orders, so "Don't worry about it, and cut down on the dairy." As Doc exits, The Prez responds with some nauseatingly gushy stuff about the Doc's newborn daughter. Actually, it's worth repeating just so you don't thing I'm an unsentimental asshole. The Prez says: "Doc...look at that picture again." Doc looks at picture of daughter he has just shown The Prez. "See. The past isn't the only thing you can be proud of." Cue inspirational music. Insert gagging SFX. The writers are going to have to be careful; this whole scene has a kind of warmth that threatens to ruin a perfectly good show.
Cut to Mandy and Daisy getting loaded, and talking about how smart they are.
Cut to Sam and assistant. Sam is scattered, and I don't want to sound like a fag or nothin', but boy is he cute. ["Uh, Sugar Larry is quoting a line from the movie Orgazmo. Just so you know." -- Doppelganger] He hands her a report he has just completed, and she repeatedly asks him, "Is it done? You're sure? It's tweaked? You are completely finished?" This causes him to panic, grab it from her hands, flip through it, and hand it back to her, finally confident that it is complete. Cute. With that behind him, he can finally seek out the advice of the all-knowing Toby.
Sam says, "About a week ago, I accidentally slept with a prostitute." Toby strokes his beard and says, "Really? You accidentally slept with a prostitute?" Sam: "Yes." Toby: "I don't understand, did you trip over something?" ["Good one, Toby! I'm serious. He slays me." -- Wing Chun] I imagine that this sort of thing is a complete nightmare for a guy like Toby. His biggest concern is whether or not anyone saw Sam with this woman. Sam assures Toby that only one person saw him with her. Billy. Billy from the New York Times. Toby, like Josh, almost believes that this situation might quietly go away, but they couldn't be so lucky. Toby also suspects -- and rightly so -- that Sam will attempt to "save" her. Toby, not at all convinced that this can come to any good end, heads off to a policy meeting with Sam in tow. Intercepted by Josh, they discuss Sam's lack of discretion, concluding that the party doesn't require an opposition, since they do such a good job of nailing themselves.
At the policy meeting, Leo immediately nominates Mandy to handle PR. Everybody agrees. No discussion. Josh comments that he feels as if his closest compatriots have mugged him. It's obvious that Josh knows Mandy is the clearest choice; his protest is of a playful variety I find unlikely to happen in the real White House, but hey, I never expected The Prez (the real one) to get hummers in the Oval Office either. Josh's only stipulation is that "she answers to me, and she answers to Toby. She answers to me, and she answers to Toby." That little issue cleared up, everyone moves on.
Leo snags C.J. and asks her if she has spoken with the Veep. C.J. tries to cover the Veep's ass, by claiming it was just a misunderstanding, but Leo isn't buying it. You'd think that, being the Press Secretary, C.J. would be a better liar, but apparently she's not. You just know that Leo's going to sink his teeth into him the first chance he gets. ["Go Leo!" -- Wing Chun]
Cut to The Prez wrapping up his day. Mrs. Landingham has apparently stolen the presidential steaks. She is my hero. Her motive, though, is not one of selfishness, as mine would be, but stems from concern for her boss's heart. ["Note to self: Steal Sugar Larry's steaks. Claim that you did it out of 'concern' for him." -- Doppelganger]
Cut to Leo's office. Leo ambushes the Veep. I'll say it again. I like Leo. His shoot-from-the-hip style is what'll keep me coming back. The Veep, upon being confronted, immediately suspects that C.J. ratted him out. Leo, of course, defends C.J. and tells the Veep that she tried to save his ass. There are obviously going to be problems with this guy in the future. This guy is not on board. He has his own agenda. When he goes so far as to ask Leo how long he has to follow orders from "you and your pal," Leo just loses it. "Excuse me...but are you referring to the President of the United States?" The Veep is shaken. Leo tells him in no uncertain terms that he (the Veep, that is) might be the second most powerful man in the United States, but this is in name only. Threatened with hosting celebrity golf matches for the rest of his life, the Veep backs down for now, but he'll be back with more shenanigans some time soon. You can bet on it.
Cut to a nice bar. A bunch of Washington power brokers are sitting around drinking beer and eating wings with some hookers. Sam is looking for Laurie, the hooker he accidentally slept with. He interrupts her while she is with some clients. He really does a number to embarrass her. Frankly, I'm not quite sure what he was trying to pull. He introduces himself to the clients, drops some names, and spirits Laurie away. Boy, is she mad, and I don't blame her. She's outside without a coat, she can't possibly go back to her clients, and she's totally humiliated. When he apologizes, and offers to compensate her for any business she may have lost, I duck under a pillow. Sam is really a very passive-aggressive person. Laurie, who is clearly intended to be a Good Person, was willing to back away from Sam. She's a law student, probably a card-carrying member of the party in office, and would never stoop to the level of using the information she has accumulated against her government. If America had more citizens ["or more hookers, at any rate" -- Doppelganger] who were half as patriotic as Laurie, it would be in a lot better shape. Sam might be a bit of a dope, but as I mentioned earlier, he's pretty cute. ["No, really...are you trying to tell me something?" -- Doppelganger] Laurie forgives him, and they head back for a drink. I kind of like these two, but this relationship will come to no good end.
Cut back to the White House. It's 3:35 AM, and everybody is awake. The Prez arrives in the West Wing in his PJs, looking sleepy but ready for action. Something really bad has just happened.
Leo informs The Prez that Doc is dead. His plane was apparently shot down by Syrians while en route to the hospital. The Prez is understandably upset. He's pretty much all business, but he plans to call Doc's widow before doing anything.
As Leo exits to lay plans for their course of action, The Prez says, "I am not frightened. I am going to blow them off the face of the earth with God's own thunder." Remember what I said about thinking maybe The Prez was a little bit crazy? I mean, I might say stuff like this, but I'm not the President of the United States, much to the relief of many.
Leo looks worried -- which he does so well -- and so ends the episode.