By Strega
Previously on The West Wing, C.J. got a blah blah blah fish.
According to the title card, it's December 23rd, 7:30 AM. Mandy "Toepick" Hampton tells C.J. where the carolers, tree, and Prez will go. The carolers will wear both Dickensian costumes and Santa hats. One assumes that the Prez will not. They stroll by Toby, who, as he flips through the paper, asks why he's there. C.J. says, "So you can weigh in on this." Toby says, "I could care less," but at Mandy's pouting, amends his statement: "More?" Sam enters, and they all chat about such topics as who will play Santa (Al Roker) and what the Prez will speak about ("pageant of hope, season of peace, coming of the new millennium," according to Sam). "The new millennium?" asks Toby. When Sam confirms this, Toby says, "Fine," in a way that indicates it isn't. Mandy dismisses the Bickersons, and Toby, C.J., and Sam head down the hall, arguing about whether it is or is not a new millennium. Sam claims that Stephen Jay Gould has described this as "a largely unresolvable issue." Toby responds, "Tough to resolve, yes. You have to look at a calendar." Donna pops up and tells Toby he has a phone call. Toby says, "I'm arguing now; call back," but Donna says it's the DC police calling. Toby goes to answer the phone. C.J. asks Sam, "So technically, the millennium is still a year away?" Sam concedes the point, adding, "But we've made all these plans." As C.J. passes a secret service guy, she asks him to tell "them" she's on her way to see the Prez. The agent tells his shirt cuff, "Flamingo is on her way." C.J. overhears, and turns back demanding, "What did you call me?" but Sam pulls her out of the way so that we can see the credits.
People stroll past the Korean War Memorial, and we begin to suspect that this episode might not be laff riot. This theory is confirmed when we see police gathered around a dead man lying on a bench. Toby approaches and introduces himself to a detective, explaining that he'd gone to the coroner's office and was told to come here. The cop asks Toby if he knows the dead guy, and Toby says that he does not. The cop says that, according to the driver's license, the guy's name is Walter Hufnagle, but Toby doesn't recognize the name and asks why they called him. Apparently Walter had Toby's business card in his pocket. Toby figures it out, and tells the cop that Walter is wearing a coat Toby donated to Goodwill, and that his card must have been in the coat. The cop dismisses Toby, but Toby lingers to ask why the body hasn't been moved yet. The cop tells Toby that an ambulance will come eventually, and that "it's not a high priority." Toby asks if the cop will contact the Veterans' Administration. When the cop asks why, Toby points to the tattoo on Hufnagle's arm, and says it is for a Marine Battalion: "This guy was in Korea." The cop pulls a blanket over Hufnagle, thanks Toby, and wishes him a Merry Christmas.
Josh and Donna wander the halls. Donna provides Josh with a long list of ski-related gifts that he might like to give her. As soon as Donna's back is turned, Josh crumples up the list and throws it in the trash. ["That exchange, which went on a lot longer than the merciful Strega has reproduced here, reminded me of last Christmas, when I was the executive assistant to the Editor of a magazine and his Christmas gift to me was jack. I hold a grudge over that to this day." -- Wing Chun] , he visits Leo, who is busily signing cards. Josh says, "I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop," with regard to Lillienfield's claims of rampant drug use in the White House. He offers to make a "preemptive strike," but Leo wants to know what exactly Josh has in mind. Josh indicates that he wants to talk to Sam's call girl friend, presumably to get the names of some Republicans who use her services. Leo, being ethical, forbids this, and Josh gives in a bit too quickly. Changing the subject, Leo asks if Josh has heard about some news from Minnesota: "A gay high school senior. He got beaten up. Then they stripped him naked, tied him to a tree, and threw rocks and bottles at his head. Know how old the assailants were? Thirteen." Josh asks if the kid died, and Leo says that he's in critical condition. Leo concludes that they'll need to reconsider Hate Crimes legislation after the holidays. Josh says they'll need to get a feeling for public opinion, and Leo says that C.J. will "send up a test balloon at her briefing." It seems to me that a poll might be a more effective way to determine the general feeling about an issue, but I'm no poli-sci major.
In the press room, C.J. says that the Prez will be heading to New Hampshire the day. A reporter asks, "Is the White House aware that a high school student was attacked?" which is a stunningly vague question. Luckily, C.J. knows what the reporter means, and indicates that the boy's name is Lowell Lydell, he's seventeen, and his injuries include a fractured skull and internal hemorrhaging. C.J. is asked if this attack will re-open talks on Hate Crimes laws. She says that she believes so, although "the best time to do that would have been the day before Lowell Lydell got his brains beaten out, and not the day after."
Toby is on the phone, saying "I don't know" repeatedly before he is put on hold. He seems tense. Mandy raps at his door and asks if he's busy. Toby tells her about the dead vet, adding, "I don't know if his family's been contacted, I don't know what kind of burial --" Mandy, no doubt sensing a PR coup, asks, "How do you know him?" When Toby says that he doesn't, Mandy asks, "What does it matter to you?" as if she's amused by Toby's display of human compassion. Suddenly, Lenny Briscoe bursts in to arrest Mandy for impersonating a human being (all tm Blackfriar). Toby asks what Mandy wants, and she says that although it might seem trivial, the carolers' Santa hats clash with their Dickensian costumes. Toby stares, and asks, "It might seem trivial?" Mandy brightly offers that she's just keeping Toby in the loop. Toby returns to his phone call and tells Mandy, "Go away." I second that.
Donna confronts Josh, this time asking "What's going on with Leo?" Josh closes the door. Donna indicates that she's talked to Margaret, Leo's assistant. Josh says "The two of you shouldn't be --" and Donna cuts him off to say, "Yeah, but we did," before we can determine what they shouldn't be doing. Donna asks, "Is it true?" When Josh says that it is, she asks what Josh is going to do. Josh says that he can't really do anything, and that they're all going to wait and see what happens. Donna stares at him until Josh asks, "Could you stop looking at me with that face like I just killed your hamster?" Donna says, "If one of us was in trouble, he would be the first person --" "I know!" says Josh, although I don't remember Leo doing much when Josh was in danger of losing his job. They both pause, and then Donna says she wasn't trying to make Josh feel guilty. I'm curious about the tally marks on the chalkboard in Josh's office. I'm also curious about why he has a chalkboard instead of a whiteboard with markers. And finally, I'm curious about what is showing on the small television set behind Donna: I'm guessing it's a soap opera, but near the end of the scene it suddenly displays what looks like a model carousel spinning. While I wonder about all these things, Donna leaves.
C.J. is shepherding a bunch of children around as she reminds them to announce their name and grade before asking the Prez a question. C.J. cues the Secret Service agent, then the kids, and as the Prez enters, the kids shout, "Good morning, Mister President!" The Prez makes them say it again, louder, and then asks, "Now who are all these people making a ruckus and tracking up my floor?" Assorted child-related wackiness. The Prez reminds them that "I'm busy man. I am, after all, the President of Bulgaria!" "No!" shout the kids. He corrects himself, saying that he's the President of Luxembourg. The children eventually get him straightened out as to his title, and a little blonde moppet asks what his favorite part of being the President is. "I'm doing it right now," he answers, and kisses her on the forehead. The children dutifully note that avoiding direct questions is his favorite part, and learn a little something about politicians. C.J. whispers in the Prez's ear, causing him to announce, "Apparently there's a group of kids in the other room that I might like better," and exits as the children complain. Ha! In the other room, Charlie tells the Prez that Lowell Lydell died a few minutes ago. Everyone pauses, and the Prez says that he'll call Lowell's parents in a few hours. The Prez steps back out and prepares to answer more questions from the children. He announces, "When you address me, please bear in mind that you are speaking to his Royal Majesty, the King of all England." More shouts from the kids. I bet the reporters who have to cover this kind of thing hope that Santa is bringing them a speedy death for Christmas.
It's C.J.'s turn to roam the corridors. Sam says that he saw the briefing, and says, "I'm not sure I'd put my foot on the gas so hard with Hate Crimes legislation." C.J. growls warningly, "First of all, I barely grazed the gas. Second of all, why not?" Sam says that they're not sure where they stand on this, but C.J. says, "I know where I stand on this." Sam congratulates her, and C.J. grudgingly agrees to go easy on the issue. Abruptly, C.J. asks Sam what his Secret Service code name is, and Sam says, "Princeton." "Mine's Flamingo," says C.J. "That's nice," says Sam, but C.J. says it isn't. "The flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird," she says. "You're not ridiculous looking," Sam offers, and then asks, "Any way for me to get out of this conversation?" C.J. leaves. Josh pops out and asks to talk to Sam. Sam babbles about his upcoming trip to Bermuda. Josh closes his door and says, "I need to ask you about your friend." Josh asks if Laurie is "expensive." Sam indicates that he's such a stud that he wouldn't really know, but finally allows that she is. Josh says, "I need to know if she would divulge the name, or names, of any influential Republican members of Congress that she might have..." "No way!" responds Sam. "Way!" says Josh. Not really. Instead he says "There's a thing that's gonna happen. Lillienfield knows that Leo's a recovering alcoholic." Sam points out that everyone knows that. Josh says, "Yeah, but they don't know that there were pills." Sam is startled. Josh explains that Leo was hooked on valium six years ago. Sam responds, "He was Secretary of Labor six years ago. He was high when he was running the Labor Department?" Josh says, "Yeah." Sam asks if Lillienfield knows about that, and Josh says he thinks so, "That's why he started this in the first place." Does anyone else wonder if maybe Lillienfield actually has a tip about someone else, and they're worried about the wrong problem? Sam says that he'll call Laurie, and that "we'll go see her together." Josh thanks Sam and leaves.
Mrs. Landingham tells Charlie, "It's important you remind the President throughout the day [that] he's allergic to eggnog." Throughout the day? Do they have a big vat of it handy for the staff to sample from while they work? Charlie babbles to Mrs. L. about the trees, lights, presents and general festive air. He continues, "I brought it up 'cause, I don't know, you seem a little down this week." Mrs. L. admits that she gets a bit depressed around the holidays. "You don't like Christmas?" Charlie asks, in the same tone one might affect to say, "You drop-kick puppies?" Mrs. L. says, "I miss my boys." Charlie is surprised to hear that she has kids. Mrs. L. says she had twins, Andrew and Simon. "They went off to medical school together. And then they finished their second year and, of course, their lottery number came up at the same time." Charlie says, "I would have thought they could get a deferment to finish med school." "They didn't want one," says Mrs. L. She says that she and her husband begged them not to go, but that her sons wanted to be where doctors were needed. "So they joined up as medics, and four months later they were pinned down during a fight in Da Nang, and were killed by enemy fire. It was Christmas Eve, 1970." Mrs. L. describes all of this very calmly, making it much more powerful as a result. She continues, "It's hard when that happens so far away, you know, because with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared. It's hard not to think that right then they needed their mother. Anyway, I miss my boys." Mrs. L. continues with her work. I am terrified that we will cut from this quiet but emotional scene to something involving Mandy, which will ruin it.
Luckily, we instead go to Toby, who is examining the Korean War Memorial. He strolls over to the information booth, where a man asks, "Do you wanna sign the book?" Toby does so, and the man asks if Toby is looking for anything in particular. Toby stutters a bit and says that he isn't a visitor, or the police, and explains about the homeless man. Toby gives off a wonderfully befuddled air, as if he isn't quite sure why he's doing this. He tells the booth attendant, "I'm just trying to contact someone that might, you know, be interested that he died." The attendant suggests that Toby look around at the corner of Capitol and P. Toby thanks him, and suddenly asks, "Are you a veteran?" The attendant says that he is, and Toby shakes his hand, introduces himself, and wishes him a Merry Christmas.
Sadly, now we cut to Mandy, which isn't quite as horrific as it would have been after the last scene, but still clashes rather sharply. She barks, "A couple of guys!" to the Prez, who responds, "No. Leave me alone." I can only assume she's describing her Christmas wish list. As Josh enters, the Prez asks what he's doing. "I'm helping prepare a strategy for the European Economic Summit in February." "Blow it off," the Prez instructs. The Prez asks Josh to come shopping with him. Mandy whines that the Prez won't let her send some press along with him. Josh asks how the Prez can go shopping, because such a thing is unheard of. Except of course it isn't. Anyway, the Prez explains that he sneaks out: "A couple of agents, an unmarked black Suburban, they tell the manager, they clear the store, I'm in, I'm out, it's like nothing ever happened." Josh is surprised to hear about this. The Prez asks if Josh knows that there's an underground tunnel out of the White House, and Josh says he does. The Prez says, "I haven't been able to find it, even though I search almost every day." Hee! Josh asks where the Prez is going, and is told "A place called 'Rare Books.' You know what they sell?" Josh guesses, "Fishing tackle?" "Funny boy," sneers the Prez, annoyed that someone else got to make a joke while he was in the room. Mandy whines about the lack of press accompaniment again. The Prez asks if Josh is coming. Josh says, "An hour with you in a rare book store? Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?" The Prez says, "It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both!" and exits, satisfied at having the last laugh.
Danny is pestering C.J. again. He asks if the Prez is sneaking out, to establish himself as an in-the-know kind of guy. Then Danny says he made a list of reasons C.J. should go out with him. C.J. suggests that he give her a few hours to put together a list of reasons why she shouldn't, so that they may then compare them. It really shouldn't take her more than five minutes, but the concept is a good one. Then she complains about her code name, and tells Danny to go away. He does so just as Sam strolls up. C.J. asks what Sam and Josh are doing tonight. Sam says "Nothing," in an unconvincing way. C.J. explains, "I just meant, did you want to come over for dinner." Sam says, "Oh...yeah!" C.J. asks what Sam thought she meant, and Sam tells her that he's going to Bermuda tonight. "Then why did you say 'Nothing,' if you're going to Bermuda tonight?" Sam stares at her and finally says, "I really don't know." Sam thanks C.J. for the invitation, but C.J. again asks what he and Josh are doing. Sam repeats, "Nothing," and ducks into a doorway to escape.
At the bookstore, the Prez admires a copy of The Fables of Phaedrus, and explains to an uncaring world that they are animal fables written in iambic verse. Mandy complains to Josh about the lack of photographers. Mandy, get over it. Josh pulls a book out and says it is "A book which, if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldn't read it: The Adventures of James Capen Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California. I believe I would eat this book before I read it." Meanwhile, the Prez is apparently asking Leo to come join his family for Christmas, but Leo won't do it. Leo says that when the Prez returns, "I'm afraid we'll have to start talking seriously about my situation." The Prez says that he's not concerned about it, and that "These things can go away by themselves." Leo answers, "No they can't sir, and they usually don't." That doesn't make sense, since if they usually don't, it implies they occasionally do, which conflicts with his statement that they can't, but I get the idea. Leo continues, saying, "I'm going to need an exit strategy that'll cause the least embarrassment and turmoil during the Mendoza confirmation." ["Somewhere in my house, someone yells, 'MENDOZAAAAAA!' like McBain from The Simpsons. Wait -- that was me." -- Wing Chun] The Prez indicates that he doesn't want to discuss any exit strategy. Charlie walks up and tells them, "It's time." The Prez says he was thinking of getting Zoey a copy of The Nature of Things, a Didascalic Poem, Translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Carus. ["I had to read that book in university, and may I say, the President looks pretty great in those Bad Idea Jeans." -- Wing Chun] Charlie says, "I think she would like that much better than a new stereo, sir." Pretty tactful move from Charlie, there, which the Prez appears to ignore. Charlie takes the book and offers to pay for everything while the Prez goes out to his car. One assumes Charlie has a White House Visa or some such thing. Leo pulls Josh aside and reminds Josh not to try getting dirt on Republicans from Laurie. The Prez reappears and hands a two-volume Life of Epicurus to Leo.
Toby auditions for the part of the Wandering Jew as he roams the dark streets. He approaches a van where volunteers are giving coffee to the homeless. Toby asks the small crowd if anyone there knows Walter Hufnagle. One of them says yes, and points Toby to Walter's brother, who is nearby. Toby thanks the guy, who mentions, "He's a little slow. I mean, he's all right and everything, he's just a little slow." Toby walks up to a man seated near a small fire, and asks if he is Walter Hufnagle's brother. The man nods and says, "I'm George." Toby tells George that his brother is dead. "Aw geez," says George. Toby nervously mentions, "It was a very cold night." The man who pointed Toby to George comes up to ask if everything's okay. George says, "Walter died." Toby introduces himself, and explains that Walter was wearing his coat when he died. The other guy asks if Toby wants his coat back. Ouch. Toby says no, and asks George, "Did you know your brother fought in Korea?" George responds, "Well, I'm sure he didn't mean nothing. Sometimes people start things..." before Toby cuts him off. "He was in the Marines about forty-five years ago." George says, "I think I remember." Toby goes on to mention that Walter got the Purple Heart. George asks, "He was wounded? I guess he wasn't too good at it, huh?" George asks if Toby served in Korea, but Toby says, "No, no," in frustration. Toby says he wasn't sure if anyone had told George about his brother. George says he slept in a shelter last night because it was so cold, and then adds, "I guess there weren't enough beds for Walter." Sniff. Toby says, "I'm sorry, good night," and turns to leave. Then he turns back and says, "I'm sorry, this is absolutely none of my business. Your brother is entitled to a proper funeral, and I think he deserves an honor guard. You don't know me, but I'm an influential person. I'm a very...powerful person," and then Toby rubs his forehead in a way that makes me want to give him an Emmy. Toby offers to arrange the funeral, and asks the other guy if he'll be there the morning. When the guy says yes, Toby asks, "So that if I come and pick you up in the morning, and I'll bring you back after?" The guy says that he'll make sure George is there. Toby thanks him, and takes out a wad of bills. He starts to divide the money, and then hands it all to the guy and leaves. The guy says, "No, man, that's all your money! You don't live around here!" Toby protests, but at last he reluctantly accepts the return of some of his money and leaves.
C.J. recites, "You are a reporter. I am the Press Secretary. It's an unavoidable conflict of interest. It would hurt my reputation. It would hurt your reputation. Your editors would --" Danny asks C.J. what she's doing. She patiently explains the obvious to the ace reporter; she is reading her list of reasons she shouldn't go out with Danny. "You really made a list?" he asks, still not quite sure of all the facts. "Didn't you?" she asks. Danny claims to have made a mental list, and then gives her a Christmas present, which turns out to be goldfish food. Danny says, "I'm going to ignore your list, because I think it's ridiculous. Also because I've got a crush on you." Before C.J. can respond, Leo enters, and Danny exits. C.J. tells Leo, "I'm rebuffing his advances, Leo," but Leo says, "Whatever. Listen, dial down the rhetoric on Hate Crimes, would you?" C.J. quite reasonably points out that Leo asked her to "float a test balloon." Leo responds, "Float it, don't shove it down anyone's throat." Not even Danny's? Please? Leo says he isn't sure where they're going to come down on the issue. C.J. says, "They made him say Hail Marys as they beat him to death. This was a crime of entertainment." No, Get Real is a crime of entertainment. C.J. says that the murder is a manifestation of "a pathology troubling this country." Leo agrees, but adds, "I'm just not sure it's right to legislate against how someone thinks. A lot of people aren't sure, a lot of them work here, and I'm telling you to dial it down." C.J. agrees to do so, and asks if Leo has plans for Christmas. Leo says, "My plan is to do nothing." C.J. asks, "You want me to come cook you something?" Leo smirks, "What, are you my mother?" C.J. says she was just asking, and Leo tells her that he'll see you later. Warning bells go off in my mind as I realize that C.J. is trying to find someone to spend Christmas with. ["So long as it's not Danny." -- Wing Chun]
Laurie, fresh from the shower, answers a knock at the door to discover Sam and Josh holding a two-for-one coupon from the City Paper. Okay, no, but wouldn't that be funny? Sam introduces Josh to Laurie. Laurie invites them in, and mentions that she only has a few minutes. Sam explains, "A guy we work with is in some trouble. We believe a Congressman is about to expose something about his past that's going to be damaging to him. And, doing what you do, in the universe in which you do it, we thought maybe you could --" Before Sam can get even more vague, Laurie finishes for him, "I could give you the name of an influential Republican who likes kinky sex, so you could scare Lillienfield into shutting up?" Sam points out that he never said it was Lillienfield. Laurie asks if it's Lillienfield. Sam says that it is. Laurie asks if this is a joke. Sam says it's for real. Laurie says, "Then get out, and we'll pretend this never happened." Josh finally speaks up to ask if he's met Laurie before. Sam tells Josh that Laurie came to the State Dinner with Carl Everett. Laurie points out that Everett raised about five million dollars for the President's campaign, asking, "Did you think only Republicans paid for sex?" She snaps, "I can't believe you. Did you get this out of a book?" Josh says that it was his idea, leading Laurie to ask if Josh is the brains of the outfit. Josh says that he is, which I think Sam's going to resent, not that it isn't true. Josh continues, "A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers! In any event, I don't feel like standing here taking a Civics lesson from a hooker!" Whoa! "Josh!" Sam says warningly, to no avail. Josh continues, "We don't need your co-operation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me!" As Josh gives in to the dark side of the force, Laurie again asks him to get out, but he persists. "Just give me a name! What do you want, money? I'll give you money!" Laurie says, "Fine, I'll give you a name, and then I'll hop back into the shower, and you can leave the money on the nightstand, how about that?" Sam desperately tries to make his friends play nice, and suggests, "I don't think he meant that." "Yes he did!" shouts Laurie. Josh says, "No, I didn't," and sighs. He looks at Laurie and says, "I apologize. That was...very rude." Sam explains to Laurie that they're trying to help someone who means a lot to them. I'm with Laurie until she says, "You're the good guys. You should act like it," as if she's twelve years old and has never before encountered moral ambiguity.
C.J. continues debating Hate Crimes with Leo. She says, "It's not enough to say we're protecting people's civil rights, we have to actually do it. Plus, it has the added benefit of being good politics." Leo says, "Now I'm listening." C.J. suggests they discuss the issue after the break, and Leo agrees. Josh and Sam enter, asking "You wanted to see us?" Leo says that he did, and C.J. asks if she should leave. "As quickly as possible," suggests Leo. C.J. skedaddles. Leo asks the Hardy Boys if they did "exactly what I asked you not to do. You saw Sam's friend." Sam asks how Leo knows that. "I had you tailed," explains Leo. Sam asks why, and Leo says, "On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look!" Hee! Josh confesses that it was his idea, and Sam says that Laurie didn't tell them anything. "I should hope not," says Leo, and tells them to apologize to Laurie. Sam says that they did, but Leo says they should do it again. Josh offers that they meant well, and Leo respo
nds, "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" "No," says Josh. "It does," says Leo, who as near as I can tell is just trying to confuse them to death at this point. Leo tells them to get back to work, causing Sam to say, "It's Christmas Eve!" "The country isn't open on Christmas Eve?" asks Leo. Sam concedes the point and leaves before Leo's mood swing hits. Josh hesitates, and tells Leo, "It's going to get bad before it gets better." Leo says that he knows. Josh adds, "I'm here [on] Christmas," and leaves.C.J. gives a quick briefing the morning before dismissing the press corps, wishing them a Merry Christmas. She walks down the aisle past Danny, and calls to him by saying, "Hey, fish-boy!" I hope she keeps calling him that. Danny follows C.J. , who says that she's going to ask him a question and there's a lot riding on his answer. Danny asks what exactly is riding on it, and C.J. says, "A date with me." Noooooo! C.J. 's question is, "Don't you think that imposing additional penalties for hate-motivated crimes is a powerful statement by society against intolerance?" Danny immediately responds, "No. A crime is a crime. One murder isn't any better or worse than another." C.J. looks away and says, "That's the wrong answer." Danny says, "Punishing people for their beliefs is the beginning of the end. What's more, you agree with me." C.J. says that she doesn't, so I guess Danny's psychic powers are failing him. Then C.J. ruins everything by adding, "Take me out tonight and convince me." Danny asks C.J. to repeat that, and C.J. says "You heard me." Danny says that he didn't, and that "I was distracted by a thing," which I'll admit was slightly funny. C.J. says she's not going to say it again, whereupon Danny says, "Then I'm going to assume you asked me out," and walks away. C.J. goes after him, saying, "I didn't ask you out, you asked me out about forth-nine times, and I'm saying yes to one of them." C.J. further clarifies that they're having dinner, not "a fling," and that "This is a business dinner -- in fact, bring your notebook." Danny agrees. C.J. says, "My secret service name is Flamingo. I have to feed my fish," demonstrating her mastery of the non sequitur.
A dazed Danny walks past Josh, who watches as Donna opens her Christmas present. It turns out to be a book, Heinrich Breckengruber on The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing. Josh mentions that he wrote a note inside, and Donna opens the book to read it. Her brow wrinkles up and she puts one hand to her mouth, and Josh says, "Don't get emotional. Donna, don't get...you know, try and maintain some sort of..." Donna stands up and, near tears, says, "You spend most of your time being...you know, you, and then you write something like this to me." Donna gives Josh a big hug and says, "Thank you." Josh whispers, "I meant it." Donna responds, "Skis would have killed you?" As the hug ends, Josh grimaces and says, "Yeah." Josh exits, then leans back so he can watch as Donna rereads his note to her.
A crowd applauds as the Prez meets and greets people. Toby enters, and Mrs. L. tells Toby that the Prez wants to see him. She asks, "Did you use his name to arrange for a military funeral for a homeless veteran?" Toby admits that he did. Mrs. L. says, "You shouldn't have done that, Toby." Toby says that he knows, but Mrs. L. repeats that he shouldn't have, and tells Toby that the Prez is in the Mural Room. As a children's choir sings "The Little Drummer Boy," Mandy is still going on about the Prez's shopping excursion. "Deal with it," he suggests, and then walks to the Oval Office with Toby behind him. The Prez says, "Apparently I've arranged for an honor guard for somebody." Toby starts to apologize, but the Prez says, "Tell me, is there anything else I've arranged for? We're still in NATO, right?" "Yes, sir," says Toby. The Prez asks what's going on. Toby says, "A homeless man died last night." Actually it was two nights ago at this point, right? Toby continues, "A Korean War veteran who was wearing a coat I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it. It took an hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh." According to the captions, Toby's line is, "I got better treatment in Panmunjun," providing a little revelation for us all to speculate about. The Prez says, "If we start pulling strings like this, you don't think every homeless veteran will come out of the woodwork?" Toby stares at him and calmly says, "I can only hope, sir." Game, set, and match to Toby. The Prez asks when the funeral is, and Toby says he's about to pick up the dead man's brother and go there. Mandy pokes her sharp little nose in to tell the Prez that his absence is being noted. The Prez pats Toby on the shoulder and leaves. As Toby starts out the door, Mrs. L. appears in her hat and coat, and asks if she can come along.
While "The Little Drummer Boy" continues, we see the funeral take place at Arlington National Cemetery. As the honor guard carry the casket, George, Toby, Mrs. L, and another man watch. I think the other man might be Mr. Landingham. Back at the White House, the rest of the cast lines up neatly so we can admire their profiles. The twenty-one gun salute is timed perfectly with the pa-rum-pa-pum-pums. The flag is folded into a tight triangle and presented first to Toby, who corrects them, and then to George. George places a small bouquet on the casket. I sniffle. The show ends.