By LTG
Thanks to Quilldriver, GraydonCarter, and barmyarmy. They know why.
Over the title card, we hear what sounds like a very understated cover of The Mamas and The Papas' "Monday, Monday." But as the screen fades from black (uh, "unfades," I guess), we see that it's actually Josh and Donna. He's singing the lyrics while reading the paper, and she's throwing in the backup vocals while buttering his muffin. And that's not a euphemism -- they're sitting at his desk with a bunch of breakfast accoutrements in front of them, and she's buttering a muffin (or bagel, or breakfast pastry) for him. Does she cut his steak into little pieces at dinner time? Or even worse, does she cut his toenails? And to get away from this disgusting tangent and back to the subject of The Mamas and The Papas, let me say that Queen Latifah's cover of "California Dreamin'" is reason enough to buy The Dana Owens Album. Donna interrupts her singing to answer the phone, and she tells the caller that Josh is unavailable for lunch, but that he can meet in the afternoon. Josh asks her who he has for lunch, and she tells him that it's her. Josh: "We're having breakfast." Donna: "We need to be able to have a conversation." Josh: "What are we doing now?" Well, it looks like you're reading the paper while Donna feeds you your breakfast. Which is downright creepy, in my opinion. She tells him that they need to be able to speak where they won't be interrupted: "This lunch has been cancelled six times. It's gonna kill you to buy me a salad?" Since the first time we heard her ask to speak with Josh was in the last episode, which took place no more than two days ago, I can't help wondering how many times a day they eat lunch. I think I have to give up trying to figure out timelines on this show. Josh reminds her that it's going to be a slow day at the White House, so there should be few interruptions. Donna puts cream and sugar into her coffee as Josh starts singing again. As he gets to the part where the backup vocals should come in, he stops and looks at Donna. She gives him an icy stare, and after a few seconds of silence, he provides his own backup. (And that's not a euphemism either).
The phone rings again, just as Annabeth enters the room. Donna listens for a second, and then hangs up. When Josh asks her who it was, she tells him that it was a wrong number. Mysterious. Annabeth is nervously rattling the papers in her hand, and she asks Josh if he'd like to do the briefing. He says that he'd rather not, and she tells him, "You'd be quite good." Oh, I think not. Josh reassures Annabeth that the press room is dead, what with the summit, and that she'll be fine. She tries some more to get him to take the briefing, but he tells her, "I'm acting Chief of Staff. I don't want to be acting Press Secretary on top of it." Donna nails the real reason he won't do it, telling Annabeth, "[The reporters] don't like him." Josh tells Annabeth just to go over the schedule, and that after that she "can skip out and finish [her] Christmas shopping." They go over the schedule, and she asks him if she should tease the North Korea stuff. I wouldn't tease a nation with nuclear weapons and an insane ruler. But that's just me. Josh tells her not to bring up North Korea, and as she's walking out she says that she'll treat it like "put out the garbage week." Josh (and a number of hardcore fans) immediately interrupt her to tell her that the preferred phrase is "take out the trash." It's hard to capture in words, but Kristin Chenoweth gets a great look on her face that is clearly intended to convey how anal she thinks Josh is. I'm sure she thinks the same thing about me (and many of you, for that matter).
Just as Annabeth's about to leave for good, the phone rings again. This time it's C.J., and Donna puts her on speakerphone. In typical, mile-a-minute C.J. delivery, she tells them that there will soon be wire reports on Jed's MS episode. She tells them that Jed does not, at the moment, have the use of his legs, and that they are shortening the summit from six days to three. She also rattles off a list of names of people who need to be contacted. Josh asks her how Jed is, and C.J. starts in with the party line about how his ability to conduct the summit is not affected. Josh interrupts her: "We got that. This is me asking." C.J.: "I don't know. His arms are working, which is good. They weren't an hour ago, so maybe he's up doing the polka five minutes from now. Otherwise, I don't know." If Jed Bartlet started doing the polka, I'd know that his legs were fine, but I'd start to worry about his mind. They end the call, and Josh tells Annabeth that he'll see her in her office in five minutes. Annabeth leaves, and Donna hands Josh the phone (having already efficiently dialed it). Josh starts a conversation with "Mr. Secretary." While he's speaking, he grabs a notepad, starts writing, and turns the pad around so that Donna (and the viewers) can read it. The note reads, "get Leo," and Donna leaves to do just that as we cut to the credits. Jimmy Smits is in the house.
When we return, Josh is speaking with Annabeth about the briefing. She clearly doesn't want to be part of it, but he tells her that she'll just read the statement and then turn it over to the doctors. She tells him that they don't know anything. Josh: "Nobody's heard from Dr. Strangelove?" I thought this was a very strange reference, but we later learn that the doctor on the plane is actually named something like "Stern-Loeb," so it now makes sense to me. I don't want the show to treat us like we're idiots, but it would be nice if the internal references weren't entirely cryptic. Annabeth tells Josh that the doctor on the plane is busy, and points out that the other doctor on the plane (Millie, the Surgeon General) is also probably busy. Will enters the Communications Office and asks Josh and Annabeth whether they've briefed yet. Annabeth tells him that they're going to start in fifteen minutes, and Will tells them that Bingo Bob would like to give the first statement. Josh says that Annabeth can take care of it (which she denies), and when Will persists, Josh cuts him off: "The President can't walk. Resist the temptation to treat this like an opportunity." Will points out that the Veep is the highest-ranking person available, and that he doesn't really need Josh's permission.
And speak of the simpleton, Bingo Bob enters at just that moment. After greetings are exchanged, Bob says, "I heard the news while I was playing tennis. I couldn't believe my ears." Bob says that he will "get the ball rolling," and that the physicians can jump in after that. Josh acquiesces without a fight. I have to take the opportunity to point out that Gary Cole has gotten just about the worst haircut possible. It's really short on the sides, with the top just a bit longer and sticking straight up. He looks like some midwestern farm kid from the '50s. I'm not sure if the idea was to make Russell look younger, or perhaps more military, but the effect is to make him look like a giant-eared doofus.
Air Force One. C.J. is reviewing schedule changes with Jed, Kate, Toby, and Millie. We learn that Abbey's flight from New Delhi will be arriving an hour before Air Force One lands, so she'll be waiting for them. Jed tells Millie, "She's gonna be cranky. I think she should ride with you." We'll see who's cranky, mister. Toby is concerned about having the press on the tarmac when Jed is lowered in his wheelchair via hydraulic lift. (I wish it were a pneumatic lift. I love that word, "pneumatic." Maybe it's the silent "p.") While the reporters already saw Jed in his wheelchair, they were not allowed to take photos on the plane. But once they're off the plane, that rule won't apply. C.J. decides that the press will have to clear the airport before Jed exits the plane, and that they'll arrange a pool spread in the morning. As they continue to go through the schedule, C.J. suggests skipping the banquet. Kate thinks that's a bad idea, since "it's important they have the opportunity to impress us." Jed and Toby both think Kate doesn't want to skip the banquet because she likes the food. Jed: "I can sit through a meal. I've been doing that in a chair for years." Millie tells him that he has to watch for fatigue. Toby suggests that they cut the Tibet discussion, but Jed is adamantly opposed to the idea. Toby points out that "they're not gonna budge on Tibet anyway," but Jed thinks that the discussions are necessary: "We talk about Tibet so they can be implacable. We talk about Taiwan so that they can hold the line against the capitalist imperialist foe. We do it all, so that when we get to North Korea, and they agree to do our dirty work, they won't have lost face at every other step along the way. Cancel the banquet, cancel whatever the hell you like, but we do not skip one step, not one moment, of my negotiation with President Lian." The pilot comes onto the PA system and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've begun our initial descent." Jed: "Indeed."
Margaret is walking down a corridor in the White House with Leo, telling him that he can use C.J.'s office temporarily. Leo tells her that he doesn't need an office. Margaret whispers to Leo, "The doctors say the paralysis is temporary, but I think they're lying." Leo tells her that they wouldn't lie about the President's health, since that would be a crime: "And one we've committed before, to boot." Josh runs into them and tells Leo that he's "a sight for sore eyes." Maybe if they got some better lighting in the White House, his eyes wouldn't be so sore. Leo tells Josh that he could have just organized a lunch if Josh really wanted to see Leo so badly. Josh informs Leo (and the audience) that Bingo Bob is just beginning the briefing. They enter the briefing room to watch from the rear.
The briefing room is in a tumult, and it seems as though the camera operator took a tumble, as the shot careens around the room before settling on Bingo Bob. He quiets them, and repeats verbatim his line from earlier about hearing the news while he was playing tennis and not being able to believe his ears. He tells them that he spoke with Jed, and that the summit will continue: "He is physically encumbered, but as far as we can tell right now, this in no way affects his mental acuity." Josh is pretty pissed about the "as far as we can tell" bit, and a reporter picks up on it, asking whether there has been a cognitive evaluation. Russell disclaims any medical knowledge, and announces that he has called a meeting of the Cabinet to see what they might do to support Jed. Leo: "Lord almighty!" Josh tells Donna to pull Will out of the briefing, and Leo hops on the phone: "Margaret, I'm going to need five minutes on the phone with every member of the Cabinet."
Josh enters the hallway outside the briefing room and lays into Will about the Cabinet meeting: "The President is still running the show, on two continents. Russell can stop with the less-than-subtle insinuations to the contrary. There will be no Cabinet meeting." But Will points out that it's already been announced, and that it would look pretty bad just to cancel it. I love the way Brad Whitford jams his hands into his pockets when Josh has to be really angry. He looks so furious, it frightens me. He turns on Will and practically spits, "You know, just watch yourself, you and your candidate." Will is acting as nonchalant as possible, and he asks Josh if he's done. Josh leaves him with a free peace of campaign advice: "Stop with the ceaseless mentions of his tennis game. It doesn't make him look young and vigorous; it makes him look like a dilettante that can't settle down with a thick book." As Josh and Donna walk away, they discuss something that is completely unintelligible to me. Donna then asks Josh whether he really thinks that discussing tennis makes Bingo Bob look "flaky." Josh: "No, I think it makes him look young and vigorous." This was a great scene for both Brad Whitford and Josh Malina.
Exterior shot of Air Force One, parked on a tarmac. A subtitle informs us that we are at "Beijing Capital International Airport." What, you mean they didn't fly to Berlin since we last saw them? Thank goodness for the subtitles -- I could have been so confused.
Kate and Toby are standing in a nearly empty section of the plane, speaking with a couple of Chinese government representatives. Or at least, Kate is speaking -- on top of all her other skills, she apparently speaks Mandarin. Abbey comes in and asks where Jed is, and Toby points her in the right direction. Kate comes to the end of a sentence and tells Toby that there is some kind of problem with the compressor on the lift, and that it will probably be another half hour before it is fixed. Surely Kate has the skills to fix it. Toby is frustrated with how long they've been waiting already, and he raises his voice quite a bit as he asks the Chinese guy whether there's a jetway. Kate translates and, as the Chinese guy leaves, tells Toby not to hold his breath. As they walk to rear of the plane, Toby praises Kate for her language skills. She tells him that it's just a second-grade vocabulary. Toby: "'Compressor starter' and 'hydraulic lift' are second-grade?" Kate: "It is [sic] in China." Good with the Chinese, not so good with the English. Got it.
In a conference room, Abbey and Millie exchange medical babble. Toby tells them that they're still working on the lift. Abbey is pissed about how long they've had to wait, but C.J. points out that "they've never used their elevator system before." I just find that hard to believe. I mean, China's not Senegal. It's the capital of the most populous nation in the world. Surely over the years there must have been other arriving travelers who needed a hydraulic lift. Jed suggests that a forklift would do, and Millie tells him that he should lie down, since it will probably be a while. But Jed doesn't want to lie down, and as Abbey and Millie continue discussing the medical minutiae, Jed speaks quietly to the very large young man standing to him: "Tell me your name one more time?" It's Curtis! Jed asks Curtis how much he can bench-press, and it turns out to be quite a lot. Jed: "How about we stage a prison break?" Curtis -- who seems extremely sure of himself considering that he's only been in this job for a few weeks at most -- responds, "Absolutely," and stoops down to pick Jed up in his arms. Jed temporarily turns into my grandfather when he tells Curtis, "Lift with your legs, son, not your back." Jed wraps his arms around Curtis's neck, and they're off. Nobody else in the room notices until they are out the door, and then Abbey starts calling after him, "Jed? Jed, what are you doing?" Where the hell is the Secret Service? I mean, for all anybody knows, the President is being kidnapped. Slowly.
Jed and Curtis are walking down a hallway on the plane, and Jed asks him how he's doing. Curtis says that he's fine, and Jed tells him to take his time. Curtis: "Am I going too fast?" Jed: "No, no, I'm just saying, you drop me, that's a moment that follows you the rest of your life." By this time, Curtis is slowly walking down the stairs to the tarmac. Everything looks quite wet, as though it's been raining. I hope for both their sakes that someone has applied some nonslip daisies to the steps. There's still no sign of the Secret Service taking any steps to prevent potential injury to the President. Jed: "I hope somebody brings the damn chair." Curtis, breathing with effort: "I hope so too, sir." As they descend, we fade to commercials.
We hear C.J.'s voice coming out of a speakerphone. She's addressing Leo, Josh, and Charlie, who seem to be holding a candlelit meeting. (Actually, the room would probably be brighter if it were candlelit.) In response to Leo's question, C.J. tells them that there will be a photo of Jed in China soon. Josh is glad to hear it: "We got talking heads claiming he's in a coma and we flew him to China so they could make a wax mock-up like they did of Chairman Mao." Hmmm, could we do that with our current President? Josh tells Toby (who is also on the call, with C.J.) that the Dow took a nearly 500-point dive after the release of the news. C.J. tells the crew assembled at the White House that they need to find something for Jed to do that will make him "look active. And not, you know..." Josh: "Paralyzed?" After they end the call, Josh sends Charlie off to talk to "the agencies and policy shops" to find something Jed can sign. After Charlie leaves, Josh asks Leo to speak with the Pentagon and to sit in on the Cabinet meeting. He also asks him if he's seen Vinick's announcement that he's running. Leo has only seen parts of it, and Josh tells him that he'll have Donna make a tape so that Leo "can join [Josh] in [his] despair." Margaret knocks on the door and tells them, "There's someone here from NASA. He needs to speak with whoever's in charge, and at this point, I have no idea who that is." As she finishes that sentence, she juts her chin out defiantly. NiCole Robinson has just been blowing me away this season -- I'm really glad they've been giving Margaret more to do on the show. Leo is less impressed with her, as he tells her, "Maybe keep the philosophical questions to yourself." Josh says that he'll take the meeting. And I continue to be impressed with how easy it is for any random government employee or member of the public to get into the White House without an appointment.
Josh enters C.J.'s office to find Nervous Scientist Type No. 3 (tall, '50s hair, dorky glasses) waiting for him. NST #3 is actually named Walter Sprout, and he's the Program Manager for near-earth object observation. He has the best name ever. I love sprouts in all their diversity. This actor is certainly good at playing nervous, as he is simultaneously shaky, stammery, and sweaty. It's the neurotic trifecta! He's concerned that the Administrator isn't in the room, and after a small not-so-comic bit establishing that he's talking about the Administrator of NASA, Josh tells Mr. Sprout that he's only got four minutes for the meeting, so they should go ahead and start. Mr. Sprout nervously asks for some water: "I'm sorry, I've just been uh, uh, uh, sweating quite a lot and I think that it's gotten me dehydrated." Josh tells him to take it easy, and Mr. Sprout exclaims, "There's an object. Coming toward the earth." It's an asteroid, but Josh doesn't seem too concerned, suggesting that Mr. Sprout should write up a memo. Mr. Sprout emits scientific-sounding dialogue at a high rate of speed, the summary of which is that if calculations are correct, this asteroid may collide with the earth in approximately forty-eight hours. And then he looks at his watch and corrects himself: "Forty-six." Josh asks him how big the asteroid is, and he just says, "Big." Josh asks how big, and he specifies, "Big." Josh looks at him, picks up the phone, and tells Margaret that he will need the NASA Administrator and Leo. Mr. Sprout: "I loved a man, once. I never told him." Josh: "Okay." I think Mr. Sprout has planted a seed in Josh that will...well, sprout by the end of the episode.
Exterior shot of the Great Hall of the People in Beijing, China. I know that's what it is because a subtitle told me so. I'm glad they told us what city they were in, because if they hadn't I might have thought that after the plane landed in Beijing they took a train ride to the other Great Hall of the People. You know, the one in Dubuque. C.J. is telling Jed who will be seated where at the upcoming session. Jed is already in his seat; the room they are in is arranged so that he and President Lian can sit side by side while everyone else sits in parallel rows of seats that will face the center of the room. Kate reminds Jed, "Don't forget to thank him for allowing us to enjoy his magnificent space." This is apparently not the first time that Kate has given this particular reminder, because Jed tells her, "The memory's not gone. It's , maybe, but not yet." She reminds him again, and Jed tells C.J., "I'm gonna hit her." Mr. President, if you're not up for it, I think I know a few hundred forum posters who would gladly render some assistance. C.J. suggests that if Jed needs to take a break at any time, he should "tug on [his] earlobe, or something." Jed is not amused with the idea, and C.J. is unintentionally patronizing when she tells him, "It's a three-hour meeting. I'm gonna want to take a break." Kate tells him, "It's just better if we avoid saying that you're exhausted and we need some rest." Jed: "You should move away from me as quickly as possible." And for once, Kate listens, and does just that. Jed tells C.J. that he's ready, and she goes to the door. In seconds, the room is flooded with Chinese and American officials. There's someone plucking some eastern instrument in the soundtrack. It's kind of like when Xena went to China and all of the normal music was replaced with eastern strings and gongs. But without the sexy girl-on-girl kissing. President Lian and Jed exchange greetings (with the aid of simultaneous translation), and Jed faithfully recites his line.
Back at the White House, Leo and Josh pedeconference with the Administrator and Mr. Sprout. (You know, I imagine it's likely that he's actually a Ph.D. of something or other, so I think that from now on I'll call him Dr. Sprout.) Leo thought there was a system to detect "large hunks of rock hurling toward our planet." The Administrator tells him that the system only tracks objects larger than one kilometer: "Large enough to take out human life as we know it." He says that this is considerably smaller, but Dr. Sprout pipes up that it's 400 meters. The Administrator correctly observes that 400 meters is indeed smaller than a kilometer, but Dr. Sprout can't help noting, "It's twice the size of the Astrodome. It gives new meaning to the phrase 'duck and cover.'" And there goes my headline for this episode.
The group descends some stairs. The Administrator points out that a collision is improbable, but that they thought a warning was still prudent. Josh asks whether they know where it will hit, and all Dr. Sprout can say is that it will be somewhere in the northern hemisphere. When Leo asks what kind of damage they can anticipate in the event of a collision, Sprout tells him, "You're going to wish you were living in Antarctica." Yeah, but who doesn't wish that? I mean, with the penguins and all. The Administrator is clearly getting more and more upset with each of Dr. Sprout's proclamations of doom. He tells Josh and Leo that they are continuing to track the object, and that observers in Maui should be able to get a look at it in the couple of hours if their cloud cover breaks. By this time, they've arrived at their destination -- the Situation Room.
At the summit, President Lian is speechifying. If I had to sit through a three-hour meeting with this guy, I'd be tugging on my earlobes -- but only in the process of trying to rip my ears off so I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. He's that boring. Jed sips some tea from a small cup, and then kind of shrugs his right shoulder and waves his arm around a little bit. It looks like he's going over his breakdancing routine in his head and he's just involuntarily making some of the moves. Toby notices and asks Kate, "Does he look out of it to you? The President?" Kate: "Ours?" She thinks he's fine, even when Jed moves his arm again. Toby thinks that Jed is not listening, and he gets up to find C.J. She also thinks he looks fine, and asks if Jed's been speaking. Toby says that he has, but that President Lian has been on a tear for quite a while. Just then, Jed moves his arm again -- Toby refers to it as "flapping." C.J. does think it looks a bit odd. And then Jed reaches up with his hand and fumbles for his ear. C.J.: "Oh my God, he's tugging on his earlobe. We've got to get him out of there." They realize that they came up with a signal and then never thought of what they would say if Jed gave that signal. C.J. gathers her courage and walks up to the two presidents. She very calmly interrupts President Lian, saying, "I beg your pardon," and then explains that Jed has received an urgent phone call from Washington and that they will have to take a few moments to respond to it. President Lian, through his interpreter, accepts the excuse and orders that the hall be cleared. As everyone walks away, C.J. asks Jed, "You okay?" Jed: "Yeah, I just gotta take a minute."
Curtis wheels Jed down a hallway while C.J. walks alongside and speaks to him. Is it still pedeconferencing if one of the conferees is not walking? Jed explains that the plan was flawed: "Ideally, the recipient of the secret sign stays in the room. I almost pulled my ear off." C.J. explains that she had to step out to take an urgent call from Leo. Jed: "I thought he didn't work for us anymore?" C.J.: "These things change." She says that they should call Leo back, if Jed's up for it. He thinks it's bound to better news than what is happening in the summit. C.J.: "Oh, you'd be amazed."
Charlie and Josh pedeconference. Charlie gets to do a lot more pedeconferencing now that he's no longer confined to the Oval Office. I wonder if he's lost any weight? Charlie is wondering whether the asteroid "is gonna kill us like it killed the dinosaurs." Well, Charlie, I really don't think it's the same asteroid. Because that one, you know, crashed into the earth and everything. Josh thinks that the asteroid will miss the earth entirely, but Charlie still wants to know what might happen: "Likelihood is, it hits an ocean, starts a tsunami, and, you know, surf's up, in Illinois." Charlie has been on the job of looking for accomplishments they can announce to show that Jed's illness is not slowing down the administration. So far, he's turned up "establishment of preliminary diplomatic relations with Myanmar." Josh points out that it's a brutal dictatorship, and Charlie suggests that if "we establish relations, maybe we talk 'em out of it." I'm having trouble thinking of any dictatorships, other than the one in Brazil, that just decided one day to go a different way. Charlie also says that there is "forward motion on [mumble mumble]." Josh thinks that [mumble mumble] was supposed to have been passed two months ago, and Charlie points out that it wasn't, but that there is forward motion. Josh doesn't think either of these is likely to reassure the press that Jed is up to the job of President. Charlie suggests distracting the press with the asteroid that's coming to destroy the earth.
By this time Josh has arrived at his office and Charlie has walked away. Donna walks in behind Josh and asks, "Can we do this now?" He doesn't know what she's talking about. She tells him that it's the lunch meeting that never was, so she just wants to have the conversation now. Josh: "Can't. World ending." She tells him that she thought it wasn't going to hit, and that there's nothing to do about it anyway. He realizes that, but thinks it's vitally important that he monitor the situation closely. He has gathered up some papers and walks past her, saying "Tomorrow. Lunch. Definitely." He leaves her standing forlorn in his office.
Curtis has just finished transferring Jed from his wheelchair to a bed, where he is propped up nearly into a sitting position. It's a good thing they didn't replace Charlie with a ninety-pound weakling. Jed says he just needs a few minutes to rest, complaining that he felt like he was going to fall out of the chair. Millie tells him that's the fatigue she warned him about, and Abbey tells him that the doctor is on the way up. Jed doesn't want the doctor, but Abbey doesn't really care. Jed: "He's just gonna tell me to lie down. Mission accomplished." I don't think you can really declare mission accomplished without a big banner. And maybe a ship. Jed says that it's just the jet lag, but Abbey isn't buying it. She reads him the riot act about refusing to accept the unanimous medical advice that he should take it easy. Jed: "Leo tells me there's an asteroid coming to hit the earth. Maybe we should sit quietly for a few moments and ponder that."
Leo walks up to Josh and asks him if there's any news. Leo: "NASA's got a clear shot in Maui. Should tell us more." Leo whispers to Josh about Jed's inability to sit through a meeting. Josh points out that it was a long flight, and that Jed will bounce back. Leo hands Josh the tape of Vinick's announcement speech. Josh: "Makes you want to cry like a little girl, doesn't it?" Leo agrees with the common wisdom, which is that a moderate like Vinick has little to no chance of getting the Republican nomination. Josh confides in Leo that Bingo Bob asked Josh to be his campaign manager and that he declined. Josh also tells Leo that Hoynes asked him, without disclosing how or whether he responded. Leo: "Popular. You change your cologne or something?" I find that it's when you're in love that you're at your most attractive. Leo thinks that, with Baker out, Russell has "a huge financial advantage," but they go on to discuss all the ways in which Hoynes is superior to Russell. Leo points out that if Josh is going to work for Hoynes, "you gotta want to work for him, and you gotta want him to win." What Josh really wants is to get Jed a third term. You are not alone in that desire, my rapidly balding friend. Josh wonders, "What ever happened to the good old days when a couple of hacks with cigars chose the nominee in a smoke-filled back room?" I would make some "back room" jokes, but it just feels too easy. Leo thinks that system worked pretty well, as he names some good presidents produced by it. (Roosevelt, Truman, and Eisenhower, if you are really curious.) Josh: "We need a back room." Nope, I'm still not going to give in to temptation. Leo points out that smoking is pretty much outlawed, and he's certainly not allowed any cigars: "But we're it. You and me. This is the back room." Can't...take...much...more! Must...think...about...k.d. lang. Whew, saved by commercials. I never before thought I'd be so grateful to see Sarah Jessica Parker on my screen.
Exterior shot of the Wei Shui Palace Hotel. Okay, now they're using subtitles just to bug me. I mean, was it really necessary to tell us the name of the hotel? Millie enters the living room of a suite and tells C.J. that Jed is still sleeping. C.J.'s concerned that they asked for a fifteen-minute break, and Jed has now been sleeping for four hours. C.J., Toby, and Kate have a lengthy, passionate, and ultimately pointless conversation about how to conduct the summit if Jed is not actually able to make it through most of the sessions. During the conversation, Millie further endears herself to me when she observes that Jed "is the brains of the operation, right?" In the end, they decide that Jed will make some small appearances, but that the negotiations will otherwise be handled by the staff, and that the staff will run all decisions past Jed, who will presumably not need to sleep so much if he is not using his energy to hold himself upright in a chair. It's such a shame that the U.S. doesn't have any trained diplomats who are able to help out with meetings like this. Abbey enters the room to tell everyone that Jed is up.
C.J. is sitting to Jed's bed, negotiating with him about how much he can participate in the negotiations. He wants to be in the first half-hour of every meeting, but she's concerned that if he leaves after thirty minutes, Lian will want to take a break as well "to make sure we know he doesn't like negotiating with subordinates, [so] we lose half the day." Jed takes off his glasses and asks, "Are you benching me?" C.J. quotes back to Jed a bunch of stuff he said to her about how important it was to defuse the North Korean nuclear threat and how that would only happen with China's help. Jed: "Never quote me to me."
Leo is pedeconferencing with Margaret. He tells her to call NASA and see if they got any information overnight. Take a lesson, producers -- that's a nice and subtle way to let us know that it's a new day. No subtitles required. Margaret asks how many spots there are. Leo's as perplexed by this as I am, and she clarifies that she's talking about the President's bunker: "If the asteroid hits and the President, the First Lady, and eighty percent of senior staff are in China, don't you think we ought to sort out who gets their spots?" Leo wonders when Margaret was placed on the National Security Council. She tells him that of course Leo would get a spot: "You might want me there to help out, is all I'm saying." I think Margaret and Dr. Sprout should get together and have some wonderfully quirky children. (Unless Dr. Sprout decides to go after that man he once loved.)
Leo runs into Josh in the hallway. In the background, some Christmas decorations are being put up. Again, another subtle way to let us know what general time of year it is. Leo tells Josh, "Margaret's booking hotel rooms for the apocalypse." That reminds Josh that he needs a flashlight. Leo asks Josh, "You pick your dream man yet?" Oh fine, he said "dream candidate" and not "dream man." It's all the same anyway. Josh is confused: "I don't know how all this works." Again, I know some guys who would lend a hand with that. So to speak. But that's not quite what he's talking about: "You pick the smartest, most capable, most honorable individual you can think of and you have a conversation. Ideally, before the New Hampshire filing deadline." Josh thinks he "can't pick up and leave the White House to run a campaign for some dark horse that [he] pulled out of a cornfield." Leo reminds Josh that Leo did just that when he got Bartlet to run, and he wants to know who's on the wish list. Josh, all nervous and blushing (okay, the blushing might actually be a reflection from a Christmas light): "I don't know. Uh, there's this one guy. It's a stupid idea." Leo: "There are no stupid ideas. Well, there are. I don't know why people say that." Actually, they don't say that. They say, "There are no stupid questions." But I think that one's wrong, too. Josh thinks that with everything going on, it would be a bad time for him to leave: "I've gotta stay here, finish what I started." Leo, who has new insight on this point, tells him, "It doesn't finish, Josh. It keeps going."
Toby sits in on a meeting in which Teddy (who I'm told is Undersecretary of State) and President Lian discuss Chinese monetary policy. A subtitle tells us that it's "Day Two." Grrrrr. Lian suggests that they continue the discussion in the afternoon, and Toby lets out a frustrated "no." He takes a second and then apologizes to the head of state who he just interrupted. But he stresses the need to move along on the agenda. Lian is implacable, however, and repeats that he needs to discuss the issue with the Finance Minister before they can discuss it further.
Charlie finds Annabeth walking briskly through the corridors of the West Wing. He asks her if she's about to brief. Annabeth, with some anxiety in her voice: "I don't brief. I read prepared statements to the press." He points out that she just passed the briefing room (or perhaps, the prepared statements room), and she tells him that she's "doing laps. Not ready to go in yet." Charlie hands her an executive order that Jed just signed, "while juggling a rickshaw and a pagoda." She's thrilled. And at that precise second, Annabeth calmly ducks under an open filing cabinet drawer so that she can continue on her walk. That was a nice bit. Charlie asks her if she's okay, and she tells him that the press has heard rumors about the asteroid. On top of Jed's medical condition, "they're a little overheated." I would hope that rumors of global annihilation would get the press worked up. Charlie asks Annabeth whether she's briefing on the asteroid, and she reminds him again that she does not brief. Her plan is to go into the briefing room and read the executive order to them. So I guess her plan is to bore them into complacency. Charlie points out that she's just walked past the briefing room again. Annabeth: "I just, uh, I'm gonna take another lap." Great scene, and further evidence of why Annabeth is a much better character than Kate: she has actual human flaws and weaknesses, and they are unexpected and therefore completely realistic.
Jed is sitting in his bed with a map of the world spread out in his lap. Curtis is sitting to the bed, and Jed is explaining that 70 to 80% of the people on the west coast will be killed by the tsunami that would result if the asteroid were to hit the Pacific Ocean. He thinks the optimal result would be if the asteroid just obliterated a single city. Toby and C.J. have entered the room, and Jed tells them that NASA has determined that the asteroid is either larger and further away, or smaller and closer than originally estimated. Jed asks how it's going, and is not pleased to hear that Lian is stalling on the exchange rate issue. He asks them whether they mentioned the former Chinese president, Shang, who three years earlier had told Jed that it would take two years at most to change the valuation of the currency. ("Shang" is totally my own phonetic spelling, by the way. Apologies to any sinophiles in the audience.) Jed wants them to bring up Shang not just because of his earlier comments, but because he still remains a more powerful figure than Lian in Chinese politics: "Lian is threatened by the very notion of Shang." But it's too late to raise his name in connection with the exchange-rate discussion, because Jed insists that they move on with the agenda so that discussion of North Korea does not end up getting put off. Toby thinks they need to revisit the monetary issues because of the impact on U.S. jobs, but Jed is unconvinced: "Job loss is gonna seem like cake in the face of three-dimensional nuclear chess. You can't let 'em walk all over you!" Wait, isn't three-dimensional nuclear chess the game that Kirk and Spock used to play? Jed, frustrated, returns to his map and his discussion with Curtis. He tells Curtis that the real nightmare scenario is that the asteroid would strike the immense Russian forests, setting them ablaze and throwing so much smoke and ash into the atmosphere that the sun would be blocked for weeks: "Impact winter, they call it." Really, is that what they call it? Toby and C.J. realize that they are being dismissed, and they quietly walk out of the room.
Leo runs into Bingo Bob in a hallway. They exchange pleasantries, and Leo asks Bob if he's on his way to the cabinet room. It turns out that Bob is, and Leo innocently asks if Leo might join him. You can see that Bob knows exactly what is being done to him, but there's no way he can politely turn Leo down, so he invites Leo to come along. Deft, Leo. Very deft.
Carol walks up to Margaret and someone else. She looks familiar, somehow.... Oh, wait, it's Ginger! (For those who are not obsessed with the show, Ginger is an assistant in the Communications Office who for some reason has not been seen since sometime early in the fifth season.) Carol asks the two of them if they put Kyle in. Ginger: "Who's Kyle?" And that's Ginger's only line. See you season, Ginger. Carol reminds her that he's from NIH, and that he's blond with a cowlick. Margaret, clipboard in hand, says that he's in, along with Dan Rosten. Will walks up to them and asks for a copy of some document. Margaret clutches the clipboard to her chest and puts on an enormous and very fake smile. She turns to the others, and through her clenched teeth, mutters, "Oh my gosh, the V.P." Will asks what's going on, and they all tell him it's nothing. As Margaret hands over the document he asked for, Will sees the word "bunker" on her clipboard and takes it out of her hand to read it. He notes that some guy named Dan is in the bunker, but that they forgot the V.P. Margaret: "I just put him in." Josh walks up and wonders what's going on, and Will clues him in. Margaret says that they need to plan for the bunker, because "somebody needs to repopulate." They both wonder who Dan is, and Carol tells them that he's the UPS guy: "Wears the shorts." Josh and Will are both shocked that the women are selecting bunkermates based on whether or not they are beefcake. I think Will and Josh are just jealous because they're not on the list. Will suggests that it's all well and good to have some strong men around to "kill you an elk for dinner," but that "somebody's got to be there to invent the telephone." I think that's what the women will be doing while the men hunt the elk. Or does Will that they're going to sit around and cook elk stew and knit blankets out of elk hair? As Josh and Will walk away, Josh asks him if he really thinks he would able to reinvent the telephone. Predictably, Will does not.
Donna shanghais Josh in the hallway, telling him, "I need you." It's about time she admitted.... Oh wait, that's not what she means. She tells him that it's time for the conversation, and he asks her if it would irresponsible for him to leave the administration early. Donna is over it: "It's a conversation about me, not you." Oh, Donna. Every conversation between the two of you is about Josh. He tells her that he needs to go to the OEOB (Old Executive Office Building, where the Veep has his offices, and which is right across the street from my new job). She tells him that he needs to sit down and talk with her. He calls her demanding, and turns the conversation right back to himself, telling her that Leo "thinks [Josh] should wandering the American byways in search of the president." Donna: "I quit." And then she stops right where she is and lets Josh walk on without her. After a few steps, he turns around and says, "What? No you don't. Come on, walk with me." She tells him that she's not messing with him, and that there will be a temp at her desk the day. He treats her as though she were a child having a temper tantrum, apologizing for canceling their lunch and promising to meet with her the day. In a rush, Donna starts to give him the speech that you know she had prepared for her meeting, telling him that it is "an honor and a privilege" to work for him, but that she needs more. He tells her that she's absolutely right and that they'll discuss it at lunch the day. As he walks away, he mutters, "She quits? Oy."
And now, Martin Sheen's Emmy reel. Abbey is sitting on the bed in the hotel room, taking off her earrings and trying to engage Jed in conversation about the summit. (He's off-camera at this point.) She also tells him that she spoke with Liz, and that she and her husband will bring the kids for Christmas: "She said they may even persuade Zoey to make an appearance." Considering that her parents just threw her an enormous birthday party complete with famous (though obnoxious) performers, I would hope she could be assed to make it home for the holidays. Ungrateful wretch. We hear Jed's voice as he points out that Liz and her family had other plans for Christmas: "I'm not dying. There's no need to rush to the bedside." Abbey asks Jed whether he spoke with Lian about the AIDS clinics, and when he doesn't respond, she walks into the bathroom, where she finds him standing at the sink, his wheelchair right behind him. She asks him what he's doing. Jed: "Brushing. Do you mind?" She has no patience (and also no bedside manner) and she comes over to harangue him about overdoing it. She's messing around with the chair (getting it ready for him to sit his ass back down, I think), when she notes that the brakes aren't even engaged (which I know from family experience can cause an accident when you go to sit down in the chair, if nobody is holding it for you). Jed tells Abbey to leave it alone and then half turns to reach for the chair (to pull it away from her, I think). He loses his balance and falls to the hard bathroom floor, landing on his side. Abbey immediately screams out, "Michael," and a Secret Service agent runs into the room and starts to help Jed up. Jed doesn't want the assistance, however, and he orders Michael to leave him alone. Michael leaves Jed sitting up on the floor, with his back against the tub and Abbey leaning over him.
After Michael leaves, Abbey tries to help Jed up, and he yells, "Don't touch me." She sinks down to the floor herself, until they are sitting in almost exactly the same pose. He asks her what he's doing there, and she responds with a joke: "Apparently, you like the tile." He is not amused: "Abigail, I swear to God..." He thinks the entire trip has amounted to wasted time. She tries to reassure him: "Maybe you're not gonna skin the whole cat [eeeewwww], but you're gonna make some headway. You're gonna get your North Korea talks." He thinks she's nuts -- Lian is walking all over the staff, and in the one meeting Jed does attend they keep giving him ginseng tea to improve his nerves, meaning that he has to go to the bathroom an awful lot: "The new kid Curtis and I are becoming very close." He thinks the Chinese are thrilled to not have to discuss anything. Abbey tells him to push the staff, and he responds, "I tried that, you hear me, I tried that! Decisions are made in the room. I am not in the room! I can't do the job, Abbey. Do you understand? I can't do it. I cannot do the job!" He begins to pound his legs with his fists. "Look at me! Look at me!" Dude, we're all looking. Commercials.
A subtitle welcomes us to Day Three. C.J. is reviewing the plans for the final ceremony, which will consist of signing the joint agreement and taking lots of pictures. She tells him that because the photos will all be taken by the White House photographer, they can shoot them all from the chest up if he wants to remain in the wheelchair. He is not amused: "You can get a cardboard cutout. They have those here, don't they?" C.J. tells him that while they didn't get everything they wanted, they did lay some groundwork. He tells her that the asteroid has entered daylight and can no longer be tracked: "Now we just wait for loud noises. Let's go take some pictures."
Signing ceremony. Jed tells Lian that he regrets not having had a one-to-one meeting, and Lian tells him how fruitful his discussions with Jed's advisers were. They are surrounded by the entire Chinese delegation as a photographer snaps pictures. The photographer asks for some shots of just the two presidents, and everyone else clears out. Jed asks, in an offhand way, "I wonder if it would be possible to say hello to former President Shang before we left the country. I met with him on a number of occasions, as you know, and our talks were always exceptionally fruitful. It would be nice to sit together again, just two old men." And then Jed leans over and whispers to Lian, "You speak pretty good English, don't you?" C.J. is speaking to the photographer when Kate walks over to her and says, "C.J., they're going." And sure enough, Curtis is wheeling Jed into another room as Lian walks to him. See, I told you -- Curtis was part of a plot to kidnap Jed. And now they have him.
White House. Charlie pedeconferences with Josh, telling him that he has preliminary budgets from everyone except for Transportation: "They said you knew why." Yes, I believe it's because the dog ate their homework. Josh asks Charlie if he's ever worked on a campaign (the answer is "no"), and whether he will work on the upcoming one (the answer is, "who knows"). Someone hands Josh a note as Charlie continues to talk about budget markups. Josh hands the note to Charlie and then walks into the bullpen, announcing, "Ladies and gentlemen, the asteroid has passed us. The world is not ending today." Charlie follows behind and reads out the details: apparently the asteroid passed only 73,400 miles above earth's atmosphere, which is awfully close. As Charlie reads, Josh notices that there is someone who is not Donna sitting in Donna's cubicle. A foreboding chord is played.
Back in Beijing, C.J. asks Toby how long Jed can sit up, and Toby expositions that the doctor said thirty minutes, forty tops. At that moment, Jed had been meeting with Lian for seventy-two minutes. Teddy comes out and tells C.J. that Jed called him in to learn the exact amount of uranium the South Koreans enriched. And just then, Curtis sticks his head out and says that Jed would like the translators to come back in. A cell phone rings -- it's Leo. C.J. fills him in on what is happening. Leo: "I was gonna tell you the world's not ending, but maybe it is." C.J.: "The asteroid's passed?" Leo: "It's passed." They make it sound less like a global threat and more like a kidney stone.
Josh walks up to the stranger sitting at Donna's desk and asks her where Donna is. Hey, I recognize that woman. Don't let her make you smell that shoe. She appears to have changed catchphrases, asking Josh, "Who's Donna?" Josh tells her that Donna is the woman in whose chair she is sitting. "The blonde girl? I'm Marla Warsky. I'm covering this desk for a few days." Josh hones in on the fact that Marla is a temp, and assumes that Donna will be back in a few days. But the shoe woman does not let anyone live in a state of denial: "She got a new job, I think. I've got her cell, if you want to give her a call." Because that's the shoe woman. She'll take your deepest truths and shove them in your face. And make you smell them. Josh has a look of utter despair on his face as Marla holds up a post-it note for him. Don't smell it, Josh, whatever you do.
Beijing. Millie is telling C.J. and Abbey that she thinks they ought to pull Jed out of the meeting. C.J. thinks that if he's having any trouble, he'll let them know. Abbey agrees with C.J.: "The President's made his choice, Millie. He'll come out when he wants to come out." So, of course, he chooses that exact second to want to come out. Jed hands some papers to Kate, telling her to proofread them carefully: "Their translator's spelling ain't what he thinks it is." Curtis wheels Jed away, accompanied by Abbey and Millie. Kate starts looking at the documents as C.J. and Toby walk over to her. Toby asks what the papers are. Kate: "It's a seating arrangement. For North Korea talks." Ah, but did they write out the place cards while they were in there? And decide on the centerpieces? Because I've heard from my bride friends that those are the kinds of details you just can't leave to other people.
Josh walks into the doorway of an office that Leo is using. Josh: "Donna quit." Leo takes a second, and then says, "Donna Moss?" Is there another Donna? Maybe a secret, evil twin? (I'm also recapping The O.C. this week, so I'm trying to get into a soap opera mood.) Leo asks Josh if he pissed Donna off -- I think he should know the answer to that based purely on his own interactions with Josh. Leo's not the most comforting guy in the world, telling Josh, "Good for her. See, I tried to tell you this. People move on." Josh gets a look of steely determination in his eyes (tempered, I think, by a little love).
Josh walks over to Marla's desk and says, "I need you to make me a plane reservation as quickly as you can. I need to go to Houston." Marla: "Texas?" Josh confirms his and starts to walk away. But the shoe woman does not just jump when you tell her to: "Hold on, hold on, let me get a pen." Josh just yells to another assistant to get him on the plane to Houston. He gives Marla a really cold look and stalks off. Some posters on the forums have complained that we finally get an African-American administrative assistant on the show and she turns out to be much less competent than all the other (white) assistants we've seen. I can see the point, but I think the real reason Marla is not a good assistant is because she's a temp. And we all know temps suck.
Air Force One. The posse is walking down a corridor, and C.J. is quite thrilled with the agreement, telling Jed, "I could kiss you on your married mouth." Abbey tells her to watch it. They discuss some of the details of the agreement. C.J. tells Jed, "You got potential, sir. You oughta think about running for office." C.J. is looking for a phone so that she can call Leo: "I want to tell Leo McGarry that this sonofagun just blasted us a North Korea summit. The man is a force of nature." Toby is just upset that there is no recording of the negotiations for posterity.
In Jed's office (the Flying O, I think I'll call it, assuming we ever see it again), Millie tells Jed, "They're planning a ticker tape parade out there." Abbey notices that Jed is soaked: "You've sweat right through your clothes." She asks Curtis to help Jed out of the chair, when Jed weakly tells her that he needs a minute. Abbey calls to Millie, and the two of them start loosening Jed's tie and collar.
In the main cabin, C.J. is on a phone filling Leo in on the details of the upcoming multilateral North Korea summit. She's laughing and talking about how great Jed was when she sees what look to be flight officers (and perhaps the unseen flight doctor?) walking into the Flying O. She tells Leo that she'll need to call him back. As she and Toby look down the hallway and into the office, they see medical personnel hovering over Jed. Abbey walks to the door of the office and closes it.
Josh walks up a walkway of a house in what the subtitle tells us is Houston, Texas. What, no street address? Or maybe the relative humidity? Josh knocks on a door. Through a window, we can see a Happy Holiday Family Scene (trademark, the Hallmark Corporation). From inside the house, we see Matt Santos walk to the door. He sure has a lot of kids. Because, you know, he's Hispanic. He's totally dumsquizzled to see Josh at the door: "Wow. Hi. You lost?" Josh: "Could be. Could be." Santos invites him in, and Josh apologizes for disturbing him at home: "I'm on a bit of a deadline. It's a filing deadline." Santos tells Josh that he's not running for Congress again. Josh: "I'm not talking about Congress." Josh and Santos stare into each other's eyes as Mrs. Santos asks her husband if he knows where the tinsel is. I'm sorry, Mrs. Santos, but I think your husband knows exactly where the tinsel is now, if you know what I mean. Fade to black.