By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: a bunch of stuff I missed because I thought I was on the right channel but I wasn't. I'll presume it was the back story on Ainsley.
We hear Josh shouting for Donna. Donna tells him not to shout. Josh is upset because someone is still saying he owes them fifty thousand dollars and that "failure to pay will result in a negative report on your credit." Donna: "On my credit?" Josh: "On mycredit." He spots Sam and tears off after him, shouting, "I got another letter!" Let me just say here one more time, in case the TPTB didn't hear me before: the blow-dried hair on Rob Lowe Has. To. Go. Please, I beg of you, bring back last year's haircut before you ruin this show completely. (Please see my remarks in the recap for the season opener.) Sam tells him not to worry about it, and that he's called the insurance company. Josh says that there are fifty thousand dollars' worth of hospital bills they won't cover and asks Sam if he knows what that means. "You may have to get yourself a job mowing lawns after school," Sam offers. Josh is not finding a lot of levity in the situation as Sam strides off, telling him again not to worry. Donna rushes up at this point and catches up with Sam. As they race through the hallways, she says she's doing the "radio thing." Sam asks what it's about. Donna is incredulous, pointing out that he's a speechwriter. Sam says he's the Deputy Communications Director and he doesn't do the radio address. Donna states that she thinks this one's about the leaves turning. Sam replies, "Wouldn't be surprised." She wonders whether the President will take it seriously. Sam asks why he wouldn't. Donna points out that Sam doesn't take it seriously. Sam smirks, "I'm not the one who has to read it." Donna says that since it's the end of the week, POTUS gets a little punchy. Sam points out that since it's not live, he can always do another take. It turns out that, last April, POTUS had to do eleven takes to get the radio address right, and Donna had to give the radio address audience (who had been standing in the Oval Office for ninety minutes) White House key chains. Sam could obviously not care less and tells her to "knock'em dead" as she prepares to go in and welcome the guests. She asks Sam to stay and listen to her do her "thing," but Sam mentions that he's seen it. Donna says she's adding a joke. Oh, Lord. Sam, understandably desperate to get away, says he's sure it's great. Donna whines a bit and Sam relents.
Donna goes into the Oval Office and welcomes everyone: "My name is Donnatella Moss. I work here in the West Wing as an assistant to Deputy Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman, which I guess makes me the Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff." No laughs or response from the audience other than puzzled discomfort. Donna glances at Sam, who gives her a weak, fake smile and a thumbs-up just before zooming away. Donna takes everyone to the Oval Office as she explains that the President does a weekly radio address that is broadcast on Saturdays and taped on Fridays. She asks them to form a horseshoe against the far wall: "Not an actual horseshoe; that'd take special training as a blacksmith." Don't quit your day job, dear. POTUS busts in and asks how it's going. She tells him they didn't like the blacksmith joke. Jed: "That's almost hard to believe, Donna." Hee! As he sits himself down, she asks if they're all set for the speech. Jed: "Not quite." Donna: "What do you need, sir?" Jed: "The speech." Donna gives it to him. POTUS says, "Let's do this in one, shall we? 'One-Take Bartlet,' that's what old Jack Warner used to call me." The technician cues Jed, who begins reading: "This month, as autumn is in full bloom in much of the nation, the weekends will be devoted by many of you to leaf peeping and...football..." As the audience titters, the technician calls "cut tape" and Jed asks Donna, "'Leaf peeping?' Is that something we do now?" Donna smiles awkwardly and the technician suggests they try again. Donna mutters, "Better get some keychains in here." Jed: "I heard that." As the technician cues Jed again, the opening music swells.
Back in the Oval Office, Jed promises everybody that this will be it: "Four is my lucky number." Donna flatly points out that it's take five. "Five is my lucky number," he says without missing a beat. "'Fifth-Take Bartlet,' that's what Jack Warner used to call me." Donna whispers, "Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?" Jed snipes, "Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm ninety-seven years old." Donna smiles politely and says, "Okay." I wonder if they'd pay her more if she were to stop with the idiotic questions. I also wonder why they insist on putting POTUS through the weekly exercise of taping this address in front of an audience, when it seems to be a chronic problem to get it done in fewer than ten takes. It just seems like a patently bad idea, but then, I'm not a professional political operative, so what do I know?
Toby catches up with C.J. in the hall and they pedeconference (tm Strega). C.J. asks whether Toby's noticed that she's one of the few people around there whose nose isn't "bent out of shape" over Ainsley Hayes. Toby's like, "Yeah," and he seems to want to get on to other things. C.J. presses the point. Toby mentions that when C.J. heard the news, she slammed a door so hard that it broke: "You heard the news and you broke the White House." C.J. acknowledges, "Yeah, but I'm over it now, and I'm saying other people aren't and they should get over it."
As they arrive at C.J.'s office, Toby says he'll see what he can do. C.J. opines that she thinks the problem is not that Ainsley's a Republican -- it's that she's a Republican woman and she's good-looking. Toby, exasperated, says, "Well, those are three things when, in combination, usually spell careerism." C.J. replies, "Well, I think it's sexist in a bad way and I'm coming down on her side." Is there such a thing as "sexist in a good way"? And where was all this sisterhood last week when we had to hear Ainsley repeatedly referred to as a "girl" and watch Sam diminished due to his having been trounced by said girl? Toby says, "Good for you. Look..." C.J. protests that she's serious about this. Toby interjects, "Ed Barrie's doing Meet the Press on Sunday. Did you know that?" C.J. didn't, and she doesn't look too happy about it. C.J. points out that he's retiring, and suggests that maybe it's just a farewell kind of thing. Toby explains that he's also appearing on Late Edition and Capital Beat and one other show the name of which I couldn't catch, even on closed captioning. Toby says that Sam got this information from Mark Gottfried, and that the Department of Defense Press Office isn't confirming anything. C.J.'s upset: "They won't confirm whether a three-star general is going on television to beat up the President?" C.J. yells for Carol. As Toby leaves, he says, "By the way, you are a beautiful woman." C.J. looks at him as he adds, "And no one around here has ever assumed you were either ambitious or stupid." C.J. points out to Toby, "It took two years." Toby doesn't have anything to say to that. I'll echo Strega here: why is it bad to be ambitious? Actually, the real question is: why is it bad for a woman to be ambitious? Anyway, you can chew on that and other questions that have obvious answers while C.J. barks orders to Carol. She wants Carol to get General Barrie over to the White House, and she doesn't want him anywhere near the press line when he arrives. She also doesn't care whether it's convenient for him to come over. Carol says, "He's the Army Chief of Staff, C.J." C.J. replies, "And I work for his boss, so get him here." As Toby leaves, C.J. asks whether Leo has told Tribby about his new Associate Counsel yet. Toby says he'll check the wire to see if any maimings have been reported, but he doesn't think Tribby's been told yet. C.J. quips, "Should be some decent dinner theatre." Toby: "Let me know if you need any help on Captain Queeg."
Leo is leading Ainsley through some rooms as she explains her amazement at hearing that Lionel Tribby is allegedly thrilled about having her on board. Oh, Lord, I don't know if I can take this woman's voice. I thought Mandy had an irritating speaking style, but while I like the character of Ainsley better than I liked the character of Mandy, I think I will go nuts listening to her voice all season. And it's not the accent -- whether it's real or fake (and God knows there's been lots of debate on the forums about that); it's the inflection, the squeakiness, the irritation of the babbling, etc. I usually have a policy of trying not to fault people for things I think they can't help, but I may have to suspend that policy in this case. Anyway, Leo wants to know why Ainsley's surprised that Lionel's enthused about her hiring. Ainsley explains, "Well, because I'm a Republican and Lionel Tribby is...incredibly not." Leo rambles a bit about how brilliant and fair-minded Tribby is, while Ainsley figures out that Leo hasn't told him yet. Leo confesses that he hasn't. Ainsley: "So you lied to me just then." Leo: "I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then." Ainsley mewls about her day getting off to a great start, when Margaret and her Laura Petrie hairdo pop in to announce that Tribby's on his way over. Maybe he can bring José Eber along with him, and do something about Margaret's hair. Ainsley mumbles, "Oh, I just want to die." Leo smirks, "That's the White House. You get used to that feeling." She thinks maybe she should go so he and Tribby can speak privately. Leo insists it will be fine. Ainsley whimpers about how Tribby's going to yell and scream. She knows this because she's seen him on TV. In the midst of Leo claiming that he's quite different when the cameras aren't running, Tribby (John Larroquette) erupts into the room, brandishing a cricket bat, on a mission to chew every piece of scenery between Leo's office and the Pentagon. He bellows, "I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth Windsor and I will kill them again, with my own hands!" Leo tries to get a word in to introduce Ainsley, but Tribby continues bellowing. He asks whether anyone in the building has heard of contempt of Congress. It appears that two staffers named Steve Joyce and Mark Brookline have testified at Governmental Affairs that they couldn't produce the Rockland memo, which the White House does, in fact, have. Tribby waves the memo in his other hand. He complains that staffers can't drop their testimony on his desk fifteen minutes before they testify, and adds that he was about to take a vacation, to someplace warm with a beach and people bringing him drinks with little umbrellas in them. For no reason I can discern, he pronounces it "UM-brellas." He paces around swinging the cricket bat and shouting about how the thing was closed and now he's gotta fix it. He pauses and notices Ainsley and asks, "Who's this?" Leo introduces her: "This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice." Tribby says, "Uh...the girl who's been writing the columns." Then he says to Ainsley, "You're an idiot!" Hee. Leo springs to her defense: "She's not an idiot, Lionel. She clerked for Dreifert!" Tribby opines that Dreifert's an idiot. Leo says, "Dreifert's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us." Lionel proclaims, "I believe as long as Justice Dreifert is intolerant towards gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the First, Fourth, Fifth and Ninth Amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him!" To Ainsley, sarcastically, "Nice meeting you." He's already stormed out when Leo says, "She's working for you, Lionel." Lionel comes back as Leo explains, "The President asked me to hire her for your office." Lionel pauses. "The President of what asked you to hire her for my office?" Leo: "The United States." Lionel looks defeated, then bangs the tip of the cricket bat on the floor and chortles semi-hysterically. He takes off, as Leo tells Ainsley that he thinks it went well.
Back in the Oval Office, Donna stands and waits as POTUS attempts yet another take. This one seems to be going well. Tribby bursts in unannounced. Where the hell is Mrs. Landingham, or Charlie for that matter? Tribby bawls, "Mr. President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't possibly work like this!" Donna mutters, "Oh, dear God." Jed complains, "I had it." Tribby asks if it's a bad time. Jed allows that it's a bit of a bad time. Tribby says, "Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments I would like to discuss the hiring of blonde and leggy fascists whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions at the White House Counsel's Office!" Jed assures him that they will, but points out that there are thirty or forty other people in the room, many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democratic Party: "So perhaps you could get a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later." Lionel agrees. He turns, propping the cricket bat on his right shoulder, and says, "Good morning, everyone!" They murmur a greeting. He leaves as Donna suppresses a smile. Jed jovially informs his audience members, many of whom are probably rethinking those large donations, "Well, obviously, Lionel Tribby is a brilliant lawyer, whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison." I always wan
ted to be one of those people who was so brilliant and valued that I could act like this and not have to worry about getting fired. Sadly, that never happened, which is why I decided to be self-employed. Now I can throw all the tantrums I want while enjoying absolute job security. Oh yeah, it's sweet.Over in Sam's office, Toby appears to tell Sam to cut two paragraphs out of a speech for the AFL-CIO. Toby asks what Sam's doing; Sam's poring over Josh's problems with the insurance company. The hospital where he was treated was "out of network," so they're claiming that only twenty percent of the costs will be covered. Also, he was apparently supposed to get the procedure cleared beforehand. Along with the rest of the viewing audience, Toby inquires, "His lung was collapsed and blood stopped flowing to his brain and he was supposed to dial up the automated twenty-four-hour customer care service line?" Let's hear it for HMOs and insurance companies. Sam says that Josh may have to sue the insurers. Toby remarks, "I like a country where you can sue the insurance company but not the people who shot you." As Toby leaves for his office, he reminds Sam to cut the two paragraphs. The Music of Dawning Realization (tm Ragdoll) plays as Sam follows Toby back to his office and says, "He can sue the people who shot him." Toby points out that those people are dead. Sam says, "No. Hardly any of them are." Sam shuts Toby's door so that they can strategize.
After the commercials, Josh and Donna are eating lunch in his office. She's telling him about the taping, and how take seventeen looked like the one, until "he went on an elocution safari during the word 'protuberance.'" Josh is amazed to learn that POTUS still hasn't nailed it. Donna mentions that there are matters of state that needed to be attended to, and that she's going to bring in a new audience. She sent the first one home. The phone rings; it's Sam wanting to see Josh. Josh gives one of those sports-y gestures and says, "Insurance victory!" He rambles on about might, and right, and makes generally not a lot of sense. As he leaves, he admonishes her not to eat part of his lunch, for which she immediately reaches.
Over at Sam's, Josh is informed that Sam's idea is to sue not the insurance company, but the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The Southern Poverty Law Center supports the idea of a civil action, which would allow them to subpoena the membership rolls, donor rolls, weapons inventory, minutes of meetings -- everything. Sam mentions that Josh probably knows that while he was recuperating, people were looking for a legislative avenue through which to "get the extremists." Sam wants Josh to sue the KKK for one hundred million dollars. Josh seems unsure and thinks for a moment. Ginger sticks her head in to say that Donna called to tell Josh not to be late for budget. Sam smiles proudly, and Josh leaves without saying anything other than "I gotta go."
Abby Bartlet wanders up to Charlie's desk and asks where Jed is; he's in a meeting with some Asian advisors about something to do with plutonium. She asks Charlie to give POTUS this message: "Your blood pressure is 120/80. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm. No evidence of ischemic changes, your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits and your chest X-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine. So we can have sex now." Charlie seems slightly taken aback and pauses. "'Kay, that's not me and you, right?" Abby says, "Go." She perches on Charlie's desk to wait, as Mrs. Landingham enters. She asks if Abby's looking for Jed. Abby says she's sure he'll be along very soon. Sure enough, Jed's right there. Mrs. L starts to ask if there's anything she can do for him. He says cheerfully but firmly, "Go away right now." Mrs. L remarks that he seems a little tense. Jed: "Not for long, Mrs. Landingham." Abby takes him into the Oval Office as Mrs. L is hot on their heels, asking if he would like her to inform Mr. McGarry and the advisors of something she doesn't get to finish saying as Jed slams the door in her face. Abby says, "BP 120/80." There's some hot talk for you. Jed: "Who cares? It's been fourteen weeks. Do these curtains close?" Abby says they're not doing it there. She suggests their bedroom. POTUS complains, "New Hampshire's an hour and half by plane, Abby. I don't have that kind of time." She meant their bedroom in the residence. Jed's delighted: "Yes! We have a bedroom right here in the building! That was so smart! Let's go!" He grabs her hand. She reminds him about Korea, and the plutonium. He bangs his forehead and growls, "Oh God...I hate plutonium!" What a Homer-esque line. She mentions that she has to leave at six to fly to Cochrane's Mills in Pennsylvania, and suggests having Charlie and Lily coordinate their schedules to find a free hour before then. Jed says, "I don't think it's going to take more than a couple of minutes, but I like your confidence." Insert your own jokes here, but I think we should cut the guy some slack; it's been fourteen weeks. She tells him to get back to work as he grabs her and asks, "Can't we just close the curtains?" She allows him a quick smooch before racing off.
Carol's back and she's got Lieutenant Somebody-Who-is-Not-the-General in tow. She explains to a very peeved C.J. that General Barrie sent an aide, Lt. Buckley. He greets her, "C.J." She corrects him: "Ms. Cregg." As they walk to her office, he says he's a staff aide to General Barrie and that he understands that she needs to speak with him. C.J. says that's right, so she wants to know why he's there instead of the General. He says that the General sent him; she says she's going to send him back. She asks him whether Ed Barrie is doing the morning shows; Lt. Buckley claims that he wouldn't know and that it's usually handled by someone else. C.J. says, "Well, I would know and I do and so do you, so cut the crap. He's going to go on TV and trash the President. That's going to be the last thing he does before he retires?" The flunky keeps putting up roadblocks until he finally admits, "I don't think it's a surprise to you that General Barrie has some very serious disagreements with this administration, particularly your President." C.J.: "My President is your President, too." He continues, "Additionally, he has some very real concerns over the current state of readiness of our armed forces." C.J. opines that that shouldn't get too many people alarmed for no reason. Lt. Flunky adds, "And so he feels that taking this opportunity to express his opinions -- opinions which are considered at the most expert level -- taking this opportunity before he leaves the service is his patriotic obligation." C.J. pauses and says, "It's called 'ring and run.' Go back to the Pentagon right now and tell General Barrie that C.J. Cregg says he's a coward." The flunky looks wounded and leaves without a word. C.J. stares after him with a look that could make even Leo's blood run cold.
Leo is leading Ainsley through the bowels of the White House as he confesses that he didn't even know they had offices down there. I'm not sure I believe him; I don't think there's much that Leo McGarry doesn't know. Ainsley remarks that that doesn't bode well for her. Leo wonders what else they've got down there. Ainsley: "Bats, possibly?" She seems anxious that the White House Chief of Staff is bothering to take the time for this task. As they go down another staircase she thanks him for being "really decent" to her. He assures her that the others will come around. She says they won't. Leo explains that the White House staffers live under siege all the time, and at a time in their lives when they're trying with all their might to do good, she's in their foxhole. He cites the example of Sam's innocent relationship with Laurie the call girl, and how the enemy came after him for that. He mentions the example of his own problem with alcohol, and how the media hounded him, even harassing his daughter: "Editorials, op-eds: 'He's a drunk, he's dangerous, he should resign.'" Ainsley pipes up: "I wrote one of those op-ed pieces." Leo -- more interested in finding her office (which is beginning to seem more difficult than locating Jimmy Hoffa's corpse) than in arguing his point -- simply says, "I know." He's finally found her office. When they enter, it's a dank pit, naturally, with lots of exposed pipes on the walls. Ainsley manages not to burst into tears, which I would have thought she would. Leo reads off a piece of paper, "This is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue." Ainsley walks slowly toward her desk and puts her box of stuff down. "I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue?" she asks morosely. Leo says, "No, you're working in your office." She looks around, gathers herself, and says, "Thank you for the help." Leo smiles and says, "Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and Toby or C.J. or the Democrats on the hill or the Republicans on TV. You're here to serve the President. Anyway...welcome to the White House." Ainsley manages a smile. Leo leaves, wondering if he'll find his way out of this crypt or whether his starved, rat-nibbled carcass will only be discovered when the Republican administration sweeps the building for hidden microphones.
After some more commercials, Ainsley's working in the steam pipe trunk distribution ven-- I mean, "her office," when Tribby storms in. "I see they've found you an office." Ainsley neutrally says, "Such as it is." Tribby lectures her: "Good men and women have worked in whatever room was available in this building and have done so without complaint." She carefully says, "I don't believe you heard me complain, Mr. Tribby." He counters, "I believe I did, Ms. Hayes. Now why don't you tell me what this is all about?" Ainsley's not sure what he means. Tribby wants to know what she's doing there. Like a good little Girl Scout, she replies, "Serving my country." Tribby: "Why not join the Navy?" Ainsley: "Because they would make me cut my luxurious blonde hair that arouses such intense and primal responses in everyone I encounter." Okay, she didn't really say that. She should have. Maybe if she knew Lionel had denounced her as a "blonde and leggy fascist" to the President, she would have. In fact, she explains that she was asked to serve, and that she feels a sense of duty. Tribby is incredulous and makes her repeat herself. He asks, "What, did you just walk out of The Pirates of Penzance?" Ainsley's confused. Lionel cites the "Englishman" reference; Ainsley, never one to shut up when she could dig herself deeper, points out that "He is an Englishman" is from the H.M.S. Pinafore. This, of course, only serves to annoy Tribby, who insists that it's from Penzance and adds, "Don't tell me about Gilbert and Sullivan." And please don't tell me about them, either, because I loathe musicals. He adds that it's from Penzance, or Iolanthe, or "one of the ones about duty." Ainsley: "They're all about duty." Point well taken. Well, by everyone except Lionel, of course. She can't resist adding that it's from Pinafore. She asks, "Is it so hard to believe in this day and age that someone would roll up their sleeves, set aside partisanship and say, 'what can I do?'" Lionel says with an incredulous sputter, "Yes!" They regard each other uncertainly. Lionel tells her that he wants her to go up to the hill and speak with the Associate Majority Counsel at Governmental Affairs. She says, "You're sending me to the Majority Counsel 'cause I speak Republican." Lionel says yes. He tells her to speak with Mark Brookline and Steve Joyce, staffers in the Communication Office. He dumps a file on her desk and says, "Read about it, then fix it." Ainsley says, "I will. And thank you for asking me." He snarls. "Yeah." As she sits down and he starts to walk out, she adds, "Mr. Tribby? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated." He pauses. "Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction." Amen, brother! He starts to leave again, shaking his head. She pipes up: "The President's way too moderate for your taste." He comes back: "Excuse me?" She continues, "On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade...you left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income. It wasn't out of duty?" He glares, turns, and leaves without a word.
Sam and Josh are discussing the technicalities of suing the KKK. Sam explains that the KKK, West Virginia White Pride, and the Brotherhood of Aryan Nations are all tied to the three punks involved in the shooting. Sam indicates that the FBI has some evidence: a map; the President's itinerary, which had been given to the shooters by the chapter head of WVWP; a videotape of a meeting at which the leader railed against interracial couples (specifically citing Charlie and Zoey) and repeatedly used the words "lone wolf," which is a way of encouraging their younger members to take matters into their own hands; a copy of some white supremacist propaganda advising that the earth be rid of interracial couples by shooting...Sam thinks this is more than enough to begin deposing witnesses. At this point, they're arrived at Leo's office, where Toby is sitting with him. Leo tells Sam that Joyce and Brookline are at it again, and explains the Rockland memo fiasco. Josh thinks that they did have the Rockland memo. Leo confirms this, and asks Sam to talk to the two of them. Sam thinks he should also speak to someone at Governmental Affairs but Leo explains that Tribby already sent Ainsley. Sam's instantly defensive and wants to know why Ainsley was sent to do something he could do. Leo says he wanted to send a lawyer. Sam objects, "I'm a lawyer! Everybody in this room's a lawyer!" They are? I don't see that as Leo's background, somehow. Or Toby's; I imagine Toby to have a Master's degree in Political Science and Communications and to have taken a few law courses but not to have done the whole deal. Whatever. Leo says, "From the Counsel's office." Sam sarcastically remarks that he'll keep his fingers crossed that the story hasn't been leaked that they withheld evidence and then tried to cover their tracks. Toby tells Sam that's enough. Sam leaves to deal with the mess. Leo asks Josh what he needs. Josh mentions the lawsuit; they already know about it. Toby explains that he's not wild about it, because the White House staff can also be deposed, leaving them vulnerable to embarrassing questions about such things as drug use, and whether Sam ever slept with a prostitute. Josh protests that those questions are irrelevant. Leo points out that if anyone refuses to answer, they've got a story. Leo says that, even so, Josh only has to say the word and they'll take a leave of absence and join his legal team. Um, who's going to run the country in the meantime? Just asking. ["C.J. She could do it with one hand tied behind her back. And Charlie would help." -- Wing Chun] Josh doesn't say anything. Toby gets up to leave and says, "'He is an Englishman' is from Pinafore. Tribby says it's from Penzance, by the way." Leo: "It's from Pinafore." Toby: "He says it's from the one about duty." Leo: "They're all about duty." Toby states, "I want to be very clear: I could give a damn." Of course, he means he couldn't give a damn. Why do people say this? Bugs me.
It's Friday evening and they're on take twenty-one in the Oval Office. Donna says she has a really good feeling about this one. Jed asks wearily, "Is this still my first term?" Donna says, "Yes sir, but I do take your point." Jed screws up the greeting and Charlie calls, "Cut." He was supposed to say good morning, not good evening. This gaffe calls POTUS's attention to the fact that it is quarter to six and Abby's leaving soon. He apologizes to the kids who are waiting to hear his address as he throws on his jacket and promises them all autographed copies of the picture they took together and splits. Just outside his office, Charlie tells him that Abby's not there, that she had to leave early for Pennsylvania. Charlie suggests he come back in and take another swing at the taping. Jed asks, "Would you like to get that smile off your face before I send you on special assignment to the Yukon?"
And now, the best part of the whole show. General Barrie charges into C.J.'s office, blustering about how he's ordered men into Hue City, Khe Sanh village, Da Nang, Grenada, Haiti, and Iraqi-occupied Kuwait. C.J. gets up and closes her door. "All acts of cowardice?" he demands. "You think sending my aide here was an act of cowardice? You think I have the time and inclination to..." C.J. interrupts: "Sir, due respect...that wasn't what I was referring to. I think jumping up and down on the Commander-in-Chief and then beating a path out of town is an act of cowardice." He argues that alerting the public to what he believes is the currently inadequate state of the military is an act of conscience. C.J. tries to interrupt, with all due respect. He tells her to shove her respect. She persists, "I think your motives are personal and I'd like to discuss that, sir." He complains about the hundred-billion-dollar drop in new defense spending from ten years earlier. He asks if that's personal. C.J. replies that that's about the Cold War ending ten years earlier, and America "not needing to spend quite so much money defending itself against a country that can't bake bread." He calls her "Kitten," which I can't quite believe, and says, "OPTEMPO is up, which is fine, but PERSTEMPO is up too. Do you know what that is?" I don't, so I hope they explain it. "It's a rate of turnover in individual jobs." C.J. points out that higher-paying civilian jobs are luring away those with high-tech training: "We're more than happy to take the rap for a booming economy, sir!" Barrie continues, saying that two divisions have been rated C4, the lowest of four possible readiness grades. He claims this means "unfit for service." C.J. counters explaining that it only means unfit for service based on the Pentagon's two-war doctrine. "It's based on how fast these divisions would be able to extract themselves from their peacekeeping mission, retrain on home bases, and ship off to a second of two full-scale, Gulf War-sized conflicts! There are also votes inside and outside of the Pentagon who question whether the C4 ratings might not be a political manoeuvre on the part of the DOD to help Republican allies in Congress secure more defense money!" General Barrie starts to leave, saying he'll be telling his story to Tim Russert. C.J. says, "No, I don't think you will, General." C.J. quietly says that she notices that among his many decorations, he's wearing the medal for Distinguished Combat Service and that he's been photographed with it many times, including some taken with enlisted men in the field. She points out that he won it while on temporary duty on the Navy's USS Brooke. "The thing is, the Brooke was never fired on and it never shot its guns. Right now, and in photographs, you're wearing a medal you never won." Then how'd he get it in the first place? This show always loses me on the military details. No doubt some astute reader will explain it to me, as usual. C.J. asks, "How does that usually go over with the boys?" General Fraud looks pretty mad. He gets up in C.J.'s face and says, "He never served in uniform, not once...and he presumes..." C.J.: "Is there anything else, sir?" He leaves, glaring at her as he goes. Allison Janney definitely deserved that Emmy. We can contemplate her greatness as we go to commercial.
A smiling Ainsley shows up at the office of Brookline and Joyce. Both of them regard her with a fair bit of hostility and sarcasm. Both of them are rather dork-like. She suggests that they speak out in the hall, where it will presumably be more private than the open office area they're in. She begins by saying they'll keep their voices down, and explains that she's there to take care of the false testimony they gave. Brookline says that it took her seventeen seconds to call them liars. She apologizes for using the wrong word and susbtitutes "mistaken" testimony. Ainsley says that she spoke to the Associate Counsel and thinks everything will be fine. Joyce tells Brookline that he has work to do, and starts to leave. Ainsley says that it will just take a second to tell them the two things she has to mention. She cites chapter and verse on how they could potentially face a Grand Jury for what they did, and adds that they don't want any part of that. Brookline patronizingly says, "Thanks. You know, we both went to high school." She goes on to mention that their attitude while testifying is being taken by some members of the Republican Committee as a sign of disrespect. Joyce laughs and says, "Oh, please." Ainsley says that it's so easy to fix that they're going to pick up yardage. Having just fallen off a turnip truck, she expects them to write notes of apology. Steve Joyce is outraged: "Your first act on the job is asking us to apologize to the Republicans on the Governmental Affairs Committee?" Brookline interjects, "And the Speaker of the House?" Joyce continues, "Because they didn't like our attitude?" Ainsley admits that she knows it doesn't look good, but it's the smart thing to do, and if they don't do it at her suggestion, Lionel Tribby is going to make them do it at his. Joyce snottily tells her he has work to do and they both go back into their office. Ainsley looks discouraged.
It's late and Jed tells the Secret Service guys outside his bedroom that it's very important that no one try to kill him in the hour. Inside, Abby wants to know what took him so long. He was on a conference call with some Cardinal and some Archbishop and couldn't exactly excuse himself on the basis that his wife is a little randy and says that he's good to go after being shot. She says, almost as if she's surprised, "I am a little randy, Jed." Jed: "Good. Take your clothes off." Abby wonders whatever happened to romance, cocktails, music. Jed: "Get'em off." Abby goes to the bathroom, where she promises she'll be changing into a "special little garment" she thinks Jed will enjoy. He tells her, "Abby, you have two minutes, or I swear I'm going to get Mrs. Landingham drunk." To quote Leo, "Thanks for loading me up with that image." She tells him to loosen his tie. "Loosen whatever you'd like," he replies. While he puts ice into glasses, he asks her what "that thing" was that she was doing tonight in Pennsylvania. She says he knows what it was. He vaguely recalls that it was a dedication for a statue or monument. She informs him the statue was for Nelly Bly. He's amazed that she went all that way for that sort of thing, and advises her that she doesn't have to take on every invitation from "every yahoo historical society that knows someone in the Social Office." Abby comes out of the bathroom, still wearing her suit and a very unhappy look on her face. Jed points out that she hasn't changed. She's annoyed that Jed fails to see the importance of what she does. Jed, backpedalling furiously, amiably says, "You know what I did just then that was stupid? I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nelly Bly, an extraordinary woman to whom we all owe a great deal." Abby: "You don't know who she is, do you?" Jed mutters, "This isn't happening to me." Abby mentions that she pioneered investigative journalism. Jed remarks, "Then she's the one I want to beat the crap out of." Abby says Bly risked her life by getting herself committed to a mental institution for ten days so she could write about it and thereby changed forever the treatment of the mentally ill in the U.S. Abby adds that in 1890, Bly travelled around the world in seventy-two days, six hours, eleven minutes and fourteen seconds, beating Jules Verne's record by more than one week. Jed states, "She sounds like an incredible woman, Abby. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes twenty-one thousand leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her. Let's have sex." Dude, any chance you had of getting any tonight just vapourized. Abby takes a seat and begins a speech on how female historical figures have been largely overlooked in U.S. when it comes to memorializing them and building monuments for them, and mentions that Bly is just the tip of the iceberg. Jed, unbuttoning his shirt: "I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg right now." Abby starts in: "Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an M.D. She founded the Women's Medical College..." Jed tells her to keep talking, that he's just going to sit there and think about plutonium and all the things he can do with it.
Over in Sam's office, Sam is telling Josh about all the relevant judgments that have been made in cases against white supremacist groups. Josh tries to get a word in edgewise but Sam just talks over him. He then sees Ainsley and abandons Josh temporarily to follow her out into the hall and badger her about Joyce and Brookline. He felt that he should have been the one to speak to them since they work for him. Ainsley said she was taking initiative. Sam, snottily: "Well, wasn't that spunky of you!" She looks close to tears as she says, "Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday; I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it." ["Not to make this all about me, but that was my day today. Sigh. Carry on." -- Wing Chun] Sam says nothing as she walks away. Now I feel sorry for her. Somewhat. He goes back to Josh and begins to talk about a seven-million-dollar verdict in a lynching case, but then excuses himself again and catches up with Ainsley just as she's getting to her office. She stops in front of her desk as Sam asks if they can talk. As he walks toward her desk, he sees that she's looking at an arrangement of dead brown flowers that's on the desk. There's a large card prominently attached, and she's just staring at it. The camera angle changes to show what the card says: the word "bitch" is written in big, firm magic marker. Now I really do feel sorry for her. How totally uncalled for. Sam asks, "Who did this? Who did this?" Ainsley says she doesn't know. Sam says, "Yes, you do." She tells him not to worry about it. He presses her but she won't say anything. He asks, "How did your meeting with Brookline and Joyce go?" He snatches the card. She lies through her teeth, saying it went great and that she just spoke to them for a couple of minutes. Sam tears off, ignoring her calling after him.
Upstairs, he bursts into the dorks' office, slamming the door as he enters. "You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name." Brookline gives him a sour look. Sam grabs a big blotter sheet out from under Joyce's papers and says, "Here, I'll show you." As objects fly onto the floor, Joyce objects loudly, "Sam!" Sam asks, "Do you have any idea how big a harassment suit you just exposed us to?" Lionel Tribby wanders silently into the other end of the room. Sam continues, "She just...she works here. Which is more than I can say for either one of you. Sam scrawls on the blotter paper and holds it up. If that's really his writing, Rob Lowe has very nice handwriting. The sheet says, "You're fired. S. Seaborn." Sam reads the message and then slaps the blotter down. Dork Number One says, "Sam, I don't know who you think you are around here but you can't fire us." Sam looks as if he has the teensiest concern that the dork might be right, at which point Lionel says, "Oh...yes...he can. Leave here, and don't ever come back. It's time for both of you to write your book now." Okay, I take it back; that was the best scene in the show. Tribby leaves. Sam follows him. Out in the hall, he says, "Lionel?" Sam tells him "It's from Pinafore." Lionel insists, "It's from Penzance." Sam: "I hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I gotta ask you, were you the recording secretary for the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan Society for two years?" Lionel: "No, but then again, I'm not a woman." ["Oh burn! Hee!" -- Wing Chun] Lionel rants about how he's supposed to be on vacation and walks away.
The title card tells us it's Saturday morning. POTUS is reading a totally different address from the leaf-peeping one. He's talking about Belva Lockwood, the first American woman to practice law, and Ellen Swallow Richards, the first female professional chemist, and Maria Mitchell, who discovered a comet, in 1847. He says could go on and on and on and on, and mentions that of all the monuments built with public money, only fifty are devoted to the accomplishments of the women who helped build the country and make it great. Abby sits approvingly in front of the desk. He promises in the address that he will try to rectify the situation in the coming months. The technician says, "We're out." POTUS says, "Do it live, that's what I always say." Abby says, "Very nice, babe." Jed says, "By the way, Sweet Knees, the Statue of Liberty." She tells him to get upstairs. He continues, "Right there at the front door of the country, like a lawn jockey." C.J. sticks her head in to speak with Jed. Abby says that the President's taking a little personal staff time. Jed says it's okay, and that he'll be right behind her. As Abby leaves, she stage-whispers, "Special garment..." Jed asks C.J. if it's about General Barrie, and tells her to let him out of the box. "Say what you want about Barrie, and I can say plenty, but the man was the first one in and the last one out of a war that I didn't want anything to do with. The man's earned the right to say whatever he wants. Let him out of the box, would you?" C.J. says, "Yes, sir." She leaves.
Over in Josh's office, Josh is enumerating the reasons why he doesn't want to proceed with the suit: it would tie up the staff indefinitely; he would appear to be using his position for his personal agenda, but mostly he feels like a lawsuit is just too small. He can't have it be like he slipped in someone's driveway. Josh says, "It's...different...than that, to me." Sam relents. He asks what Josh wants to do about the insurance company. Josh says, "Them I'll sue, no problem." His phone rings; he anwers it and puts it down saying, "We're on our way.". He tells Sam, "She's here."
The hallway to Ainsley's office is dark. She appears at the top, and cautiously says, "Hello?" She turns on the light, and as she does so, the music for the chorus of "He is an Englishman" swells loudly enough to make me jump. She's not too sure what's going on, and as she approaches her office slowly, she sees that framed posters from various Gilbert and Sullivan plays have been put up on the walls along the way to her dank pit. She opens her office door and there are Toby, Sam, C.J. and Josh vigorously singing along with the music. There's a bouquet of fresh flowers on her desk, and posters on the wall of her office. Ainsley smiles and claps as they finish singing. They all shake her hand and they chat, as the music plays on. Aw. But now I've got that damn song in my head for God knows how long. I need my mind washed out with some high-quality funk.