By Deborah
Air Force One. C.J. is having a discussion with Steve, Mark, and Katie in the press section about whether they left Manila today or yesterday or whatever that is highly reminiscent of dialogue we've heard about time zones on this show before, particularly in "Ellie." People have an astounding amount of trouble with time zones on this show. The only thing they seem to be sure of is that it's night, although Steve is vague on that point. Katie's hair is really getting long and she looks convincingly worn out, given the eighteen-hour flight. I think she should go for a cut and some colour when she gets back to D.C. That should perk her right up. The pilot, Lieutenant Colonel Caplan, announces that despite the fact that Colonel Weiskopf just told them they were beginning their descent, they've been asked by Andrews to stay in the air a bit. The pilot assumes that there's a problem on the ground, and that they'll be waved in soon.
In the meeting room on Air Force One, POTUS is on the phone while Ed and Larry stand by. POTUS says that someone is telling him that the recertification deadline for Colombia is tonight: "Is that right?" Larry says it is. Jed goes back to talking to Leo, asking if he hasn't already signed those papers. Leo explains that the statute requires POTUS to have an in-person briefing on the current situation, and that they'll have someone ready to do it in the car once Jed lands. Jed says, "Just to check, they're going to tell me that the narcotraficantes are running the Parliament but that we should recertify them as an ally in the drug war." Leo says it's a pro forma thing: "It's better than having them as an enemy in the drug war." Jed: "You mean calling them an enemy."
Charlie comes in with Colonel Weiskopf, who wants to talk to Jed. Colonel Weiskopf asks Ed and Larry to excuse them; Jed asks Leo to hang on. Colonel Weiskopf tells Jed there's no problem on the ground. The problem is that the nose wheel indicator light isn't working, and they have no way of knowing whether the front wheel is locked. They think it's most likely a problem with the light: "An F-16's been scrambled from Durbin Air Base; they'll be here in twenty-two minutes." They'll fly alongside and try to get a look at the wheels. Jed wonders what happens if they don't have their wheels. Colonel Weiskopf says there are a number of options, and assures Jed that he will keep Jed briefed. Colonel Weiskopf leaves and Jed goes back to Leo: "Listen...we've got a problem up here." Credits. Hey, Dulé Hill did get top billing! Woohoo! Go, Dulé! You da man. Okay, I know it's not the same kind of top billing Rob Lowe's agent negotiated for him -- the alphabet is the real hero here -- but you know, I'm sure Dulé Hill isn't dwelling on that.
When we return, Leo is reassuring Jed that this just sounds worse than it is: "It's a thirty-cent piece of plastic." Jed: "Well, it should cost more, don't you think?" Leo tells him one of thousands of comforting stories involving wheels falling off planes, from his days as a military pilot: "If they'd dug a grave for me every time I lost an indicator light..." Jed reminds him the plane is full of reporters. Leo says that C.J. will know what to do. As Jed ends his call, Charlie brings Will and C.J. in; Jed asks Charlie to stay. C.J.'s wearing an interesting blouse -- more feminine than the ones she usually wears. It's a translucent blouse over a camisole. It's a lot more tasteful than it sounds from that description. Jed tells them about the indicator light and the fighter jet flying beside them for visual confirmation. Jed: "Here's the tricky part..." C.J.: "'Here's the tricky part'?" Jed says that the press can't know what's going on, because the Nikkei's about the open, and also, you know, national security: "We can't broadcast that Air Force One is up in the air over West Virginia and can't land." C.J. says she'll run with the "problem on the ground" fiction. Will wonders what they will tell the reporters when they see the F-16 out the window. C.J. says that will take some thought.
As they leave, C.J. asks Will to give her some tarmac jargon. Will says they shouldn't provide too many details, but obliges with "runway incursion...a maintenance truck spilled fuel on the runway they want to use." C.J. walks toward the press section, asking Ed and Larry along the way to go talk to Will for a second. She addresses the reporters by commenting on the woman in the front row, saying, "Has anyone else noticed that Chris has been on the phone for the last twenty minutes but hasn't spoken?" Another Chris. I'd forgotten about her, I think. Seriously, where do I send the baby name book? I want all the Mikes, Marks, and Chrises to show up in the same episode sometime. Chris gestures and says, "Hang on." C.J.: "Hey, who remembers Dial-a-Joke?" A reporter asks what the hell is going on. C.J. gives him the fuel-spill tale and says she doesn't know how long it will take to clean up. Chris gets off the phone and draws C.J. aside in the nearby vestibule to tell her she just got off the phone with a stringer they use on the Ivory Coast, who has double confirmation that there were "friendly fire" deaths in Kundu a few hours ago. C.J. thanks Chris and gets on the horn to Leo.
Josh is in the Roosevelt Room having a meeting with Lloyd Braun and some other people. Serenity now! They're debating whether whatever it is they're working on has too much regulation, or feels like it does. Josh tells him to stop thinking like a Republican. It's fine that he is one; Josh just doesn't want him to think like one: "It's cleaning up Chesapeake Bay; it's not regulation, and regulation is what Congressmen do." Make up your mind. Some folks in the forums are disgruntled about the missing article in "Chesapeake Bay." Apparently it's supposed to be The Chesapeake Bay. I wouldn't know, but I'll take their word for it because they live there and Aaron Sorkin lives in Hollywood. Or thereabouts. Lloyd says that Republican Congressmen look out for local business. Josh: "Well, when the Chesapeake starts turning fluorescent colours, local business is going to have a bigger concern." Not to mention that pesky three-eyed-fish problem. Lloyd says that's why he's supporting this bill. Josh says that's why POTUS is signing it. They go back to arguing about whether it feels too regulated. There's some good-natured ribbing, and then Donna comes in with a note for Josh. She looks really good in this episode, by the way: she's wearing a paisley shirt in white, taupe, and charcoal brown tones, and really flattering brown pants. (The brown might be a soft black but it looks brown on my screen.) Her hair's in a sleek but unexciting ponytail. Before Josh reads the note, he asks Lloyd what "Chesapeake" means. Lloyd says it means "Big Shellfish Bay," and asks whether Josh has ever spent any time there. Josh hasn't. Lloyd says it's incredibly beautiful. Donna gently prompts Josh to read the note; he says aloud that there was a fuel spill on the ground at Andrews, and they have to clean it up before POTUS can land. Josh says he has to go back to his office, and suggests that Lloyd and the other staffers move on with the work.
Out in the hall, Josh whispers to Donna, "They're having a problem with their landing gear." Donna: "I know. I wrote the note." Josh: "No, you wrote, 'They're having a problem with their landing geak.'" Hey, it's our old pal Continuity, in for a visit from Mandyville. How the hell are ya? Donna says they have to stay up in the air and check it out. Josh says he wanted POTUS to look at the Medicaid rules; Donna says she'll fax them up there.
As they're walking toward their offices, Josh runs into two attendees at the Hey! It's That Guy!-fest currently going on in the White House. I guess they're between seminars on "How to Leverage Your Law and Order Gig into a One-Season Role on ER" and "New Growth Opportunities Playing Terrorists." It's Congressmen Segal (Gregory Jbara) and Simmel (George Wyner, whom I actually remember from as far back as All in the Family). Simmel and Segal have heard about the "fuel spill" problem and shoot the breeze about that. Simmel gestures toward the Roosevelt Room, where he can see Lloyd Braun, and asks Josh, "You were working with Landis?" Josh asks Donna to fax that stuff and get C.J. on the phone. He hands her the note. She studies it and says, "It's an R." Josh: "It's a K." Donna leaves, and Josh tells his pals that it's about "Chesapeake Bay clean-up." Simmel complains that Landis is a vulnerable Republican: "You can't hand him victories. You're giving him his seat back." Josh argues that it's a victory for the White House: "It's a bipartisan bill." Josh says the Republicans hate it because it's an environmental bill, adding, "It's incredibly regulatory." Simmel: "I don't care, it's got his name on it. He's delivering Chesapeake Bay to Maryland. They are going to reelect him." Josh says he appreciates their thoughts and starts to walk away, but Segal and Simmel dog him, Segal telling him that some Hill Democrats call the Bartlet reelect "the lonely landslide." He suggests that some people feel POTUS wanted a Republican Congress. Josh dismisses this as absurd. They rag on Josh about helping one of the most vulnerable Republicans. Josh says they've got a divided government: "We should go on a hunger strike?" Segal: "Do you want to take back the Hill or not?" Simmel: "Because if Hill Democrats don't think your hearts are really in it..." Josh: "Then...what?" Segal: "There's a reason they're calling it a 'lonely landslide.'" He reminds Josh they've talked about this, and then suddenly gives up and the two of them leave. They pass Toby in the hallway.
Toby tells Josh he just heard. Josh says Donna's getting C.J. on the horn. Toby: "I sent Will to the Philippines in my place." Josh replies: "It's not like they're not gonna fix it. You don't have to feel guilty about it." Toby: "No, I mean, thank God I sent Will in my place." Heh. Hey, don't be too hard on him: he's about to have twins. Josh and Toby enter Leo's office. Leo tells them the plane's about five minutes away. Toby points out that's about all the time C.J. has, because there's a wire service guy on the ground at Andrews whose job it is to record the wheels-down time, and pretty soon he's going to want to see this fuel spill. That must be a hell of a boring job. Leo isn't too worried about that guy on the ground: "Twenty White House reporters are about to see a supersonic fighter jet two hundred feet outside their window. It's gonna be a story, but he's gonna be down by then." Leo then tells Josh and Toby that the U.S. lost five guys to "friendly fire" in Kundu, the result of a GPS error. Leo tells Toby he needs him to talk to Mark Richardson right away, because Richardson's speaking at Brookings tomorrow, coming out against the country's involvement in Kundu. Toby says they knew he felt that way. Leo says they didn't know he was saying so, particularly at the Brookings Institution: "So let's see what we can do."
Outside, Josh asks Toby how he'd like to be the guy who has to explain to the victims' loved ones that they were killed by a computer error. Toby asks if Simmel and Segal were giving Josh a hard time about the Chesapeake clean-up. Josh: "They're not big fans of mine." Toby clarifies, "I meant 'cause of the nuisance of having to circle around up there when I said, 'Thank God I sent Will instead of me,' not 'cause of the other thing." Josh knew. Sure, Toby.
Will comes to tell C.J., Ed, and Larry that the F-16 is going to be along the right-hand side of the plane, and that they're going to be in the area of Harper's Ferry. C.J. tells Ed and Larry to look for something to look at around the Blue Ridge Mountains. Ed's surfing the net like crazy. Larry looks on. C.J.: "Anything with lights or fireworks?" Ed says it's Wildflower Week at Shenandoah National Park: "Lilacs, ochre, crimson..." C.J.: "Do they light up?" Will says they're nowhere near Shenandoah National Park: "It's a whole different state." He says he was looking at "Blue Ridge Mountains." C.J. suggests a festival of lights, or perhaps astronomy: "Is there a comet?" Charlie comes along to fetch C.J. and Will. Couldn't they just send out the Army to set off some fireworks somewhere? I'll bet they've got some pretty impressive pyrotechnics at their disposal.
Charlie, Will, and C.J. go to what seems to be a mini-Sit Room, where POTUS tells them that the deaths in Kundu of five infantrymen have been confirmed. Jed says he'll notify the families when they get on the ground. He tells Will he was supposed to be briefed on the Colombia recertification thing in the car on the way back to the White House, and wonders if Will is in a position to do it on the plane. Will wonders if Jed wouldn't rather have somebody from State. Jed says the statute specifies that the process has to be done in person. Will says he can do it, and asks what he's certifying. Jed does a coat flip and tells him that they're certifying that Colombia's an ally in the drug war. He asks what the plan is, regarding Operation Lame Distraction. C.J. says that Ed and Larry are looking for something in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Jed: "At night?" C.J.: "Something with lights." Jed wonders if that's going to work. Will: "I don't see how it possibly can fail."
Will exits the washroom. Think he was throwing up again? He seems subtly nervous or uncomfortable about being on the plane at all, never mind the complications. Is it the plane, or is he still a bit jittery about his new position? Maybe that will become Will's little signature -- we see him coming out of the washroom a lot. He strikes me as a puker. Not in the bulimic sense. Oh, you know what I mean. A bit of a Nervous Nellie. Just a bit. Enough to be endearing and not annoying. You know, unless he goes around smelling like puke or something. C.J.'s waiting for Will, and tells him that the F-16's a minute away. They simultaneously wish each other good luck. There seems to be a little understanding about who's going to try to distract the press. C.J. says that Will has to do it: "I screw with them all the time. They're not going to buy it from me." Will says they're not going to buy it from anyone: "That plane's going to be really close." Has no one considered just getting the reporters really, really drunk? I think it's worth a shot. C.J.: "It's not worth a try? Look at me, look at my face. It's not worth a try?" Will: "'Look at me, look at my face'?" C.J.: "Listen..." Will says he's going.
Will walks into the press area and announces, with forced enthusiasm, that the Colonel just told them they're going to go by something incredible: "And you hardly ever get to see this; it's going to be out of the left side of the plane." One reporter, in that pesky way reporters have, wants to know what it is. Will tells them they have to come over to the left side. He says they're over the Blue Ridge Mountains. I really want them to stop saying "Blue Ridge Mountains," because every time they do I hear that damn John Denver song and I have enough problems without that kicking around in my head, too. Hey, I grew up in a town with only one radio station that only played country music. I've been damaged for life. As they all come over to the windows on the left-hand side and huddle together to peer out the windows, Will says: "There's a Festival of Lights and Bonfires in this region that accompanies something called the Wildflower, you know, Renaissance, with lilac and ochre." Very convincing. One reporter: "That you can see from 33,000 feet?" Will: "Yes, it's arranged in a pattern that befuddles astronomers to this day." Hee. "We should be coming up on it any..." Suddenly, Chris -- who's been on the phone all this time and never left her seat on the right-hand side of the plane -- shouts, "Oh my God!" She's seen the F-16. That gets the peanut gallery's attention, and Will says, "Of course, on the right side of the plane, there's an F-16 Falcon." C.J. exhales heavily. Steve: "C.J., what the hell's going on?" Katie: "He's on our wing!" Someone asks, "Have we been attacked?" Phones are being dialled frantically. C.J. seems unsure about what to do for a moment as the cabin starts to go crazy; finally, she picks up the phone and tells Signal to cut off all the press phones. Isn't that the sort of thing you would have done in advance, like while Will was peddling his Wildflower Renaissance story? I'm just saying. Their connections to the outside world shut down, the reporters turn to C.J. for an explanation. She tells them that there's a problem with the plane's landing gear. They all start calling her name.
Jed's waiting at the bottom of some stairs with Ed and Larry. Colonel Weiskopf comes down to tell Jed they haven't been able to see the landing gear yet because it's a moonless night and they can't see under the plane. Wouldn't they have, like, some really big, cool, high-powered flashlights or something? I don't know. Jed asks what's . The Colonel says they do a fly-by at Andrews Tower to take a look. They'll have to fly pretty close at a low altitude. Jed: "We can't just stay up here for a couple of days and wait until there's a moon?" Wouldn't the, you know, daylight help you out before the moon waxed itself sufficiently? The Colonel says they'll let the boys in the Falcon poke around first. He adds that they'll have to refuel pretty soon. He leaves. Jed asks Larry to go tell C.J. about that. Hey, he knows which one is Larry! I wonder when that happened.
Back in the press cabin, C.J. informs the reporters that none of them is in a position to file right now. One reporter complains that Air Force One isn't landing and has a military escort. C.J.: "That's the story you'd file? You wouldn't mention the landing gear?" Steve says they'd mention that along with the maintenance truck and whatever she tells them . C.J. says that was an honest effort to avoid panic. Well, it was an effort, anyway. She knows they would have ended up knowing the truth in the end. She tells them that they're not broadcasting that Air Force One is in distress, due to very real security concerns and the fact that it is a world market event. Come on, would any reporter in this day and age, on this plane, have a problem respecting that? C.J. says the story's embargoed: "If a cell phone appears in violation of FAA regulations, Amy Gardner will impound it and throw it in a pot of stew." No, she just says it will be confiscated by a steward. Same thing. Will has just been informed by Larry about the refuelling, which he whispers to C.J. She tells the press that, too.
C.J. and Will escape along with Larry into the vestibule where she asks, "How do they do that?" Will explains that a KC-10 will land on top of them. She looks at Larry. Will assures her that they know how to do it. She goes back to the press cabin to tell them about the mid-air refueling, explaining that it means the authorities think they're going to be up there a while longer. C.J. leaves the reporters to kvetch amongst themselves.
Margaret hands Leo a document and asks how long the plane can stay up. Leo says that, theoretically, it can keep getting refuelled in the air for months. They agree that they don't see that happening. He says they'll get a thumbs up or down from the Falcon. Margaret: "And if it's thumbs down, they lay down foam?" Leo looks at her and sharply tells her, "You guys shouldn't be talking about it out there, all right?" She nods. Margaret, bless her heart, I think she means well, but the woman is a monumental security risk when it comes down to it.
Josh arrives and Margaret leaves. Leo asks about Josh's conversation with Simmel and Segal. Josh says they're very pissed that Tom Landis (a.k.a. Lloyd Braun) is sitting in the Roosevelt Room. Josh points out that Landis didn't storm the gate. Leo: "Well, they would have preferred he had, to your opening it for him." Josh understands that the House is angry the Democrats didn't take back the House, and blames the Democrats: "Stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying 'Let's blow up the place. Maybe voters'll hire us to rebuild it.'" Leo says he's with Josh, but that he needs them to make a small change to the Chesapeake legislation, adding a tax on local businesses. This is something the Caucus Chair and DCCC want. Josh agrees, and says he's all for it, but that Landis has to sell this to Republicans. Leo says they have to take it to Democrats, and that it's reasonable: "We put the same provisions in Superfund." Leo yells for Margaret to get him the Sit Room, and tells Josh that Air Force One just took on another four hours of fuel. Margaret calls out that the Sit Room's on line one. Leo picks up the phone and asks, "Major, are we comfortable any longer with the plane up there by itself?" "By itself"? Isn't there an F-16 riding shotgun and a KC-10 having a very intimate relationship with it? The Major says something with which Leo agrees. He reminds the Major about the wire-service guy at Andrews. There's a shot of Josh looking sad and tired. Leo advises them to get some fuel spilled out on a runway they won't need. So...wouldn't they just use another runway, if that were really the problem? I'm sure there must be more than one runway at Andrews. He hangs up and yells for Margaret to get POTUS on the horn. He tells Josh that the 22nd Tactical Fighter Wing, with missiles armed, will be accompanying the plane.
Toby arrives at the offices of Representative Mark Richardson. Long-time viewers will remember him from "Five Votes Down." As Toby enters the office, it might just be the camera angle, but damn, that is a big office. With no greeting, Toby says he's bearing bad news: "One of your constituents died today: Gunnery Sergeant Harold Dokes from Bedford-Stuyvesant. It was a friendly-fire accident." Toby says their bodies are being flown back to the U.S. now. Richardson asks what Toby wanted to talk to him about. Toby says it's about his speech the day: "Congressman, are you opposing intervention in Kundu because so far, it's black kids who are doing the dying?" Richardson says he's opposing the action in Kundu because he's still waiting for an intervention in Brooklyn. Toby mentions the immediate nature of this crisis, involving as it does the mass slaughter of tens of thousands of primarily young African men. Mark understands that, and asks Toby if he's ever been to a maximum-security prison. Toby: "Maximum? No." Heh. Mark: "It's the black kids who are doing the dying there, too." Toby mentions the lives they're saving in Kundu. Mark: "I wasn't elected by the lives we're saving in Kundu. I was elected by the lives that are doing the saving." Toby: "But you agree there are moral imperatives?" Mark says that if there are, he wants to hear that they're going to go get everybody: "Beginning with the Saudis." Toby replies: "Mark, obviously we need votes from the Black Caucus week. Are you telling me it isn't in the vested interest of black America..." Mark interjects: "It is in the interest of working-class America -- black, Latino, and yes, even white -- to be able to choose between more than a McDonald's uniform or a Marine uniform." Good line. Toby wants to know how opposing the peacekeeping bill is going to achieve that. Mark says he's not opposing it, and that in fact, the whole Black Caucus is going to support it, with a proposed amendment -- reinstating the draft: "I think the kids in my district are going to live longer if their fortunes are tied a little more closely to the fortunes of the kids in Josh Lyman's district." Toby: "You want to draft a million middle-class kids out of spite?" Mark doesn't want to draft anybody out of anything: "I'm just trying to promote some patriotic unity." I think raising the possibility of the draft will definitely have that effect. He calls in his assistant, Bill, and ask him to find out when POTUS will be calling Dokes's parents: "I'll be in line." Mark asks Toby, as Toby's putting his coat on, if he wants a drink. Toby seems slightly surprised to be asked, and accepts. Now, that felt exactly like the first and second season of this show.
Josh is working in his office. We can see Donna pacing around outside. She comes in, asking, "You know what gripes my ass?" Though apparently a lot of viewers thought she asked, "You know what grabs my ass?" She seems to have scared Josh slightly, as he was taking a drink of water when she popped in and concentrating on reading something. He gulps awkwardly and sits up in his seat. Or maybe he was just discombobulated by the mention of Donna's ass. And not because he was sitting there thinking about exactly that. Don't let it throw ya, buddy. Donna watches Josh collect himself and asks, "How you doing?" He gives her a vaguely guilty look and says, "Good." She continues, "If anything ever happened to me, chances are it's going to be while I'm sitting to you, and I'm going to be an 'also-dead.' 'Senior Bartlet advisor Joshua Lyman killed by a pack of wild dogs. Also dead: Diane Moss.'" Josh: "Huh?" She complains that she's not feeling useful right now: "I think I should know how to do more things here." Josh says that no one's feeling useful right now. Josh says he's doing things. Donna asks what he's doing right now. Josh asks her the same question as he gets up. Donna: "Nothing. This is my point." They start walking as Josh asks, "How come you go out with so many Republicans?" Because all the Democrats around her seem to be oddly immune to her charms? Maybe it's part of her plan for bipartisan harmony. Donna says she doesn't. Josh says she does: "Cliff, Commander Wonderful, Dr. Freeride..." Hey, his name's Sparky, not "Commander Wonderful." But Josh has a point. Donna: "I don't know, I got a pretty good response to the ad I put in Roll Call: 'Seeking thirty-something male into motions to recommit.' I'm not kidding. I can do more. I want to learn how." Josh, taking Donna's concerns seriously as always: "Do you know how to lock the landing gear?" He pushes his way through a door as Donna says, "No," mostly to herself.
Leo's at Margaret's desk collecting documents as she asks what the foam on the runway does, exactly. He explains, as he walks off, that the foam is flame-retardant. Margaret pursues him, asking, "But it's not impact-retardant, though, is it? I mean, the plane would still -- coming out of the sky at some velocity -- have to land on concrete." Margaret makes me think of that panicky guy on The Simpsons who's always jumping out of windows. Leo gives Margaret some stuff to take back to the office as he runs into Toby, who's just returned from Richardson's office. Toby tells Leo that the Congressman hasn't changed his position, but that the Black Caucus is going to back the peacekeeping bill, if the Bartlet administration backs the Black Caucus's amendment to reinstate the draft. Leo, with irritation: "He's really going through with that stunt?" Toby says he is. Leo: "Well, the left's come full circle, hasn't it?" Hee. Leo adds, "By the way, not for nothing, but draftees aren't nearly as well trained; that's why there were so many casualties in Vietnam." Toby: "Right. Also the Viet Cong." Leo: "Plus that." Leo walks off, and Toby calls out after him, "What if we said we'd allow debate?" Leo thinks it's a stunt, and says that Kundu is for real. He tells Toby to talk to OMB and find out what they can give Richardson: "Wake somebody up. I gotta go meet with Nancy." Don't get your hopes up, folks; she's not in this episode.
POTUS plays Solitaire as Will briefs him about Colombia. He learns that none of the 200 extradition requests by the U.S. has been honoured. He wonders if there's any good news. Will says, "Their Attorney-General reported their narcotics people embezzled $2 million of their anti-drug money." Jed: "That's good news?" Will: "Usually they don't report it." Jed: "What'd they spend it on? If you tell me cocaine..." Will says it was vacations. Jed: "So I recertify them in recognition of the fact that they took our anti-drug money and went to Sea World." Will: "And reported it." Jed tells Will to leave that stuff with him.
Outside Jed's office, Charlie's taking a curiously clear beer out of the fridge, and offers Will one. It looks like 7-Up or something. Doesn't "curiously clear beer" sound just like an ad slogan? Although probably not for anything you'd, you know, actually want to drink. Also: Charlie's allowed to drink on duty? I dunno, I'm just wondering. What do I care? He's not flying the plane. Will sits down as Charlie says, "It's gonna be fine." He says he knows Will's afraid of flying. Will says he's not. Charlie: "I can tell." C.J. comes up and tells them they took on enough fuel for four more hours. Charlie tells C.J. that Will's afraid of flying. Will insists that he's not. C.J.: "It's okay, you're afraid of flying." Will continues to protest: "I'm not afraid of flying. I...experience flying." Yeah, me too, especially if you count the way I crush Professor Frink's hand when I hold it during takeoff and landing. Frink tells me you can really experience flying when all the bones in your hand have been compressed into powder. C.J. asks why he signed up for the Air Force Reserve. "Daddy made me," Will replies. No, not exactly. He says it was for a lot of reasons: "And one of them was the romance of flight, but I got over that. I never thought that would happen." And also? His daddy made him. "But these guys practice hard landings all the time. This isn't a big deal." Sure, just keep telling yourself that. I'll be over here praying for you. Charlie and C.J. walk away in separate directions, with skeptical looks on their faces.
Josh returns to Lloyd Braun (a.k.a. Tom Landis) and the Roosevelt Room, griping, "I don't know why it's taking so long to clean fuel up off a runway." Lloyd: "Can't use another runway?" Josh guesses not. Lloyd suggests landing at Dulles. Seriously, couldn't Air Force One commandeer pretty much any airport in the nation for its purposes? Josh says that's what will probably happen. Josh tells everyone about the Caucus Chair wanting to add revenue enhancements. Lloyd isn't too happy to hear it, and wonders if it's coming from the Chair or the DCCC. Josh says it's both, and that they can find more offsets: "There's a way to do both." Lloyd sighs and asks, "You guys want to pass this or not?" Josh says of course they do. He thinks whatever Republican votes they lose, they'll make up on the other side. Lloyd says it's not going to get out of Committee. Donna sticks her head in again, apologizing. Josh excuses himself, saying it will get out of Committee, and that Lloyd's got to stay there and find more offsets and more ways to bury them. Lloyd says, "It's $18 million to clean up Chesapeake Bay. It's nothing. It's watershed management." Josh says, "Yes," as he goes out the door.
Out in the hall, Donna tells Josh that Leo wants Josh to call some members of the Congressional Black Caucus. Josh says that some members of the Caucus just walked off the peacekeeping bill. Donna says that Leo also wants Josh to work with Airlift Ops on Angel maintenance procedures: "We're going to need it when we land." Josh wonders what "Angel maintenance procedures" are. Donna explains that "Angel" is the code name for Air Force One. Josh didn't know that. That rather surprises me. Donna says that C.J.'s going to need to be briefed about maintenance procedures. Josh wonders aloud why he didn't know the code name "Angel." Apparently he's just as surprised as I not to have already known that. Donna says she's usually the one who deals with them. Josh: "All right, well, deal with them now." Donna, alarmed: "No, not on this! I talk to them about people's luggage." Josh says they don't have a problem with luggage tonight, and tells her to call her people at Airlift Ops and tell them to get her ready to educate the Press Secretary as soon as Angel's on the ground. Donna turns to the nearest assistant and says, "Karen, make these phone calls for Josh, please." Way to delegate! Finally, she seems to be on the road to getting the promotion I've been yammering about for two or three years.
Jed is bitching to Leo on the phone about the Black Caucus. "There was a dinner two years ago where the Vice-Chairs literally pulled out a map of Africa. They wanted me to make Africa a priority. And now they're making me look like an idiot." Sucks to be you, dude. Leo says that Mark has a tough district. Jed: "Well, now they want me to make Brooklyn a priority! And when did these guys become Smoot and Hawley? Hang on a second, Jesse Weiskopf's coming down and he ain't smiling..." The Colonel tells POTUS that they can't get a visual read, so they're going to do the fly-by, which he thinks will take about an hour and a quarter. Jed's surprised to hear it: "Where are we?" The Colonel informs Jed that they're over central Tennessee; they were taken off the jet routes. Jed: "All right, but pretty soon, though, we gotta stop just flying around." The Colonel goes back upstairs, and Jed goes back to Leo: "This is starting to qualify as space travel now." He tells Leo what's going on. He says he's going to make the phone calls to the families of the five dead men from the plane. Leo says he'll get the numbers sent up. Leo hangs up and tells Margaret, who's standing there listening, about the fly-by. She tries again: "My question about the foam is, that the steel is still landing on concrete..." Leo snaps: "They have their back wheels." He asks her to get him C.J.
On the plane, POTUS comes up to where Will is working and says he's going to call the families now; he asks for some help. He also asks Will to give C.J. a note that Jed's scribbling, and tells Will to read it on the way. He also wants Will to find out what happens if he doesn't certify Colombia, or if he decertifies the country. Will: "Really?" Jed says if he's gotta be up there, he might as well do something. Jed asks Will to tell C.J. that the fly-by will take about an hour and fifteen minutes.
C.J. paces through the press cabin while reporters fret and worry and sulk. Katie asks, "If there is an issue of national security, isn't it also a national issue for everyone down there?" Well, it'll be a lot more of one once everyone and their drunk uncle finds out about it, won't it? Another one says, "In other words, turn on the damn phones." C.J.: "Someone ask Steve what time it is; it's going to crack you up!" A reporter says, "C.J...." C.J. asks, "How is it a threat to anyone on the ground?" Steve says that Air Force One generally doesn't break all by itself." C.J.: "Steve..." Steve: "Claudia, in a room someplace, they're talking about the possibility that the plane was sabotaged." C.J.: "By screwing with the front wheel?" Mark: "If the malfunction is because of a leak in the hydraulics, and they try to recycle the gear, the front end of the plane's gonna blow up." I nominate Mark for the title of Mr. Happy Fun Guy. C.J.: "No, you're right, I should definitely let you use the phones." Will comes in with the note for C.J.; she reads it quickly and tells the reporters about the fly-by: "This thing's almost over."
Toby finds Leo on the portico...smoking. Toby asks him what he's doing. Leo says, "Hey..." Toby asks again, "What are you doing? " Leo looks vaguely uncomfortable and guilty. I guess he's so worried about Jed that he resorted to perhaps the only vice he can take or leave. How like Leo to try to keep it totally to himself. Leo doesn't respond, but asks if OMB had anything. Toby says that Budget doesn't have anything Mark wants: "He can call OMB himself." Toby tries to propose studying some version of the amendment. Leo dismisses that: "We'll look ridiculous." Toby says it's not ridiculous. Leo says it's a stunt. Toby agrees, but says it's not ridiculous. Leo says there's never going to be a draft. Toby says Mark knows that, and that he just wants the debate: "We want our peacekeeping appropriation; everybody's happy." Leo takes a puff and replies, "Hardly anybody's happy. The President's going to study reinstating the...we're for peacekeeping in Kundu." Toby: "And Mark's point is, who keeps the..." Leo snaps that he knows what Mark's point is. Toby: "People who got nowhere else to go." Leo: "For advancement. They go for advancement." Toby looks around, trying to decide how far to push this point. He says, "The five guys on their way home right now didn't advance very far, I think, is Mark's point." Leo says it was a computer error. Toby knows. Leo quietly says, "Find out what 'considering the amendment' has to look like in order for the Black Caucus to stay on board." Toby: "I will. Thank you." He leaves Leo to his coffin nail.
Will and Jed are chewing the fat about the Colombia thing. I'm really having trouble caring about this particular subplot. We're almost done with it, anyway. Jed seriously wants to know what happens if he doesn't recertify Colombia. Will tells Jed that he actually doesn't have that option: they're going to be recertified automatically. Jed asks why, and Will doesn't answer. Jed figures it out: "Because the deadline was midnight, and it has to be delivered..." Will: "It had to be delivered, yes..." Jed: "The actual signed paper?" Will nods. Jed: "This is really how the world works?" Will says it's how recertification works. Jed paces a bit, and then clenches his fists and yells, "I want this plane to land!" Will pauses a moment and then glances toward the window, asking lightly, "Did it work?" Hey, it might have. Jed laughs. He thanks Will, and Will leaves.
Josh finds Leo in the Mess. Leo tells him that the Chesapeake clean-up isn't going to happen. Josh: "At all?" Leo says it's not going to come out of Committee, due to a little of everything, not just the revenue enhancements. Josh wants to know what happened. Leo says that Deaver didn't like Landis working so closely with him. Josh: "Did those two idiots let the Republicans on the Committee know? They were already pissed at him!" Leo says that Landis is vulnerable and they want his seat. Josh rubs his face. Serenity now, Josh! Serenity now! Leo says, "We take back the house, there's any number, um...mileage standards, reauthorize CWA, any number of things we can do to help the environment more." Josh asks if POTUS is supposed to open a pizzeria while the Republicans control Congress. Leo says they've got the peacekeeping appropriation week, and that he doesn't want to take them on over $18 million for Chesapeake Bay. Josh says they're going to lose Landis as an ally. Leo thinks they're losing Landis any way you slice it. Josh: "And they say the two parties can't get together on anything." He gets up and leaves. Stone-faced, Leo calls after Josh that the pizzeria thing was funny. Josh thanks him.
Josh runs into Donna in the hall. She drops science on the maintenance of Air Force One. Josh doesn't really need to know this, but Donna's not going to get the chance to brief C.J. in this episode, so she's got to tell someone to prove she knows it. It's maintained every day, whether scheduled to fly or not. Every 154 days, the plane is taken completely apart and reassembled. Twenty-four hours prior to wheels-up, the fuel is sealed in a tank truck and guarded by sharpshooters. One hour before wheels-up, Air Force specialists drain off a gallon and analyze it for purity and the right levels of octane and water. Donna says that the wiring is shielded to protect it from a thermonuclear blast: To sabotage the plane requires getting by forty-eight armed members of the Airlift Security Unit or joining the maintenance crew, which takes twelve years following a two-year background check. Josh asks what the Airlift Ops people think happened. Donna says they think a light didn't work: "Sometimes, lights don't work." They're outside the Roosevelt Room now. Donna leaves.
Inside, Lloyd asks if Air Force One is going to land. Josh says it will, soon. Lloyd asks, "Just out of curiosity, at what point was Hoynes alerted?" Josh replies: "As soon as Andrews waved off the plane." Josh asks everyone else to leave. When they do, Lloyd asks, "What? The Democrats want a tax on clams?" Josh tells him the clean-up isn't going to happen; the White House is pulling its support. "But there's room in the EPA budget, room in the Interior budget." Lloyd: "Room for everything but my name." Josh agrees. Lloyd: "You guys are really going to go after the seat time, huh?" Josh says the Republicans will, too. Lloyd: "You know, if you keep squeezing out the liberal Republicans and the conservative Democrats..." Josh: "That's who's beatable." Lloyd points out, "If I'm running scared, I run to the right: that's where the money is." Josh says this project was never in his lap the right way. Lloyd sighs and tells a story about a comedian friend of his who did a show in town. People from the German consulate came to see him, and went backstage afterwards, asking, "How come we don't have anyone as funny as you back home?" Lloyd's friend said, "Because you killed them all." Um. That just seems uncalled for in at least a couple of ways. Also, I hardly think that the "squeezing out" of liberal Republicans and conservative Democrats is on the same continuum as rounding people up on the basis of race and religion, incarcerating them, torturing them, and shooting them. That might just be me, though. I'll give Lloyd the benefit of the doubt that he doesn't know Josh lost family in the Holocaust. I'll bet Toby would have had something pretty sharp to say about this remark had it been made in his presence. Josh seems to think it's a bit of an overstatement, too. Lloyd: "Maybe." Oh, please. Get over yourself. Josh thanks him for his work and starts to leave. Lloyd says, "You should really come to Chesapeake Bay. It's incredibly beautiful." Josh just gives him a long stare and says he will. I think Landis is the best-looking guy Josh has met since Sam vaporized and he can't ignore his yearnings much longer. Josh: embrace the HoYay!
Toby returns to Richardson's office. He reads a message he has: "'The President does not think we should reinstate the draft, nor does he intend to do so, but he respects Chairman Richardson as a leader in the Congress and is eager to hear what he has to say and to engage in thorough debate.'" Mark asks, "What's that?" Toby says it's what C.J. will say in a press briefing tomorrow in exchange for votes from the Black Caucus on peacekeeping in Kundu. Mark: "It's not going to screw you too much?" Toby: "No, it'll screw us the regular amount." Ha! Mark chuckles. He stands up and says, "This isn't new. The Union Army had a draft that you could buy yourself out of, for $300." Toby says the money was more helpful than the soldiers would have been. That wasn't Mark's point: "If you have money, you have a greater life expectancy across the board. You're going to have better health care, better shelter, better lawyers...and if you've got whatever today's equivalent of $300 is, you get to be united behind the war effort without actually fighting the war." He reminds Toby that he's one of Toby's constituents, and that he shouldn't have to tell him that. Toby knows that: "I was just on the job tonight." Mark: "Hmm." He pauses. "What was your lottery number?" Toby says it was 125, and that it was during the last six months of the draft. He adds that they got up to 90 that year: "But I didn't have the three hundred bucks." Mark says he's going to call Sergeant Dokes's family now. Toby asks if he can stay, if Mark doesn't mind. Mark doesn't: "But stay standing."
C.J.'s hanging out in a hallway looking anxious, when Ed and Larry come up to tell her that the gear's down, and that they've got an indicator light. Ed tells her they recycled the gear and the light went on this time. Yeah, but now that you know it's malfunctioned...how do you know to trust it? C.J. grabs Ed's face and gives him a quick smooch as she rushes off. Ed smiles as Larry grumbles, "I was the one who said it first."
C.J. whips open the curtain to the press cabin, phone already in hand, and tells Signal to turn the reporters' phones back on. Everyone claps and cheers. She tells them that they're landing, and that they got an indicator light: "You should feel free to file. Thank you all very much." She stands there, looking sort of like she's expecting something, and sort of like she wants to say something else. Steve notices and says, "Thank you, C.J." One by one, all the other reporters thank her, too. She thanks them again and leaves. I guess I missed something in this story, because, seriously, why would she jeopardize her hard-won credibility with the press by trying to distract them and mislead them in such a silly way? She had control of their communications; why did she need to screw with them? What are they thanking her for? She's not the one landing the plane. I know they like and respect C.J., and C.J. should know it by now, too. She should have worked from that strength, rather than jerking them around. Allison Janney played it very well as always, but I'm rather unsure what this was supposed to illustrate.
C.J. takes her seat as Will arrives to sit to her. They fasten their seatbelts. C.J.'s wearing a knee-length skirt, and when she sits down, you'd have to have a pretty bad case of glaucoma not to notice that Allison Janney has calves that would make Cyd Charisse cry. She asks Will why he asked about the rear wheels earlier; he explains that if you have the rear wheels, you can try a hard landing on them, in an attempt to whack the front into place. C.J.: "'To whack it into place'?" Will: "Yes." C.J.: "I'm so happy I didn't have that information." Will adds, "If you hit it wrong, the plane breaks in half." C.J. gives him the look you would expect. She asks, "It just suddenly worked?" Will says it did. C.J.: "I'm not sure I'm good at living in a world where that kind of thing is possible." Will: "But you are." C.J. says, "I imagine myself destitute, I imagine myself unlucky in love..." That second one must not take much imaginative effort in her case. "But I never imagine my life would be in danger with really uncommon frequency." Really? After working with the President for more than four years and being shot at in Rosslyn? C.J. smiles a little bit, thinking to herself, and then asks Will, "Feels a little bit good, doesn't it?" Will doesn't think so. C.J.: "Yes, it does." I'm with Will. He says he'll make jokes "when this whole bullfight with gravity is over."
C.J. smiles and looks out the window as Colonel Weiskopf begins the most narrative pilot announcement ever and the camera drifts around the press cabin. Who does he think he is, Garrison Keillor? After some preamble, he says they're cleared for landing at Andrews Air Force Base: "For those keeping score, our total flight time will have been twenty-two hours and thirteen minutes, using three separate flight crews along the way. We will have travelled 10,700 air miles on our return trip, a significant portion of that over West Virginia and Tennessee." Hey, do the reporters and staff get frequent flier miles on AF1? I know, I know, probably not. But damn, think about how fast those would add up. Captain Information continues, "White House staff on the ground informs us that while airborne on this flight, three separate pieces of legislation have been negotiated and initialled by the President; we've had an engagement, a birthday, and the nation of Colombia was recertified as an ally in our war against drugs." Wait, who got engaged? I want details. Leo and Jordan? "I hope you won't consider this time we've spent together a waste...and now I'm being handed...hang on just one moment...yeah, ladies and gentleman, they're going to move us to runway three-niner." Apparently there's no such runway at Andrews, or probably anywhere, because of a complicated system of numbering runways which Professor Frink explained to me and which I'm going to spare you. Just take my word for it: there's no runway 39. Captain Bringdown continues, "There's a strong wind shift under 10,000 feet, so Andrews approach has asked us to abandon our descent and make a thirty-degree right turn and maintain our current altitude. I'm sure we'll be down in no time now..." Will and C.J. exchange weary glances. Jed emerges from his office to glare in the general direction of the cockpit and then goes back in, slamming the door. We fade out on the Presidential Seal etched on the door.