C.J.'s waiting for POTUS as his limo arrives. She wants to tell him about a story he's going to hear this morning. Jed: "Uh huh. Am I a character in this story?" C.J. supposes that's up to him. She pedebriefs him that Navy pilot Lieutenant Commander Vicky Hilton has been arrested by military police and charged with having an affair with a married (and inferior) officer. Jed doesn't see himself being a character in this story. C.J.'s just giving him a heads-up.
Leo walks up and C.J. takes off. Leo asks Jed how it went. Jed thinks it could have gone better. We're not made privy to what "it" is. Jed comments that he didn't think adultery was against military law. Leo explains the military doesn't like fraternization, but that Hilton's crime isn't the affair; it's failure to follow an order. Apparently, she was told to stop and didn't. Leo says she can receive up to a two-year jail sentence. Jed: "For failure to follow an order?" Leo: "Sure." Jed: "We should have that here."
Jed and Leo enter a large meeting room full of people; everyone stands and applauds. Jed makes his way to his seat and welcomes everyone to the final Cabinet meeting of Bartlet One: "I don't know if this is true, but a Presidential historian told me that this was the most stable cabinet since Hoover's. Which is nice, but you gotta think, how many other jobs were really available?" Polite chuckling. "But here are facts: you created over nine million new jobs, and the highest home-ownership rate on record. More than 150 new trade agreements. You created the largest expansion of college aid since the GI Bill. Cleaned up over 500 toxic waste dumps. And you did it all while eliminating 16,000 pages of federal regulations. Not bad for government work. Thank you." He stands up, as does everyone else, and he walks out. Leo nods to Carol, who's standing in the back of the room, and she appears to kind of shoo a camera person and perhaps a reporter out of the room. Everyone sits back down. Leo says, "I'll add my thanks, and I'll need your letters of resignation by 7:00." Credits.
C.J.'s briefing the press. A reporter wants to know if they're concerned about the acceleration of the Shehab missile tests. C.J. says they are, as are all the Bahrain signatories, and that they are expressing their concern through the appropriate channels. Someone asks for a preview of POTUS's APEC address. She says he's been working out some new material that's killing them on college campuses. She jokes that there'll be a one-hour special based on the APEC address called Bartlet: In the Thick of It. She has no previews. She says, "I'll finish with a little housekeeping for those who don't know: in a two-term Presidency, as a matter of courtesy, the President's cabinet resigns without being asked, giving the President the option of hiring them or not, rather than firing them or not. Those resignations will be submitted today." She ends the briefing. One reporter wants to talk to her afterward about the seating assignments in the room. She says she moved the news magazines to the fourth row. He naturally wants to know why. She assures him that it isn't a thing, and explains that there are cameras in the room now that show part of the gallery and not just the podium. Since the newsmagazines aren't there every day, their front row seats are empty and it doesn't look good. Mitch doesn't care for this: "You can't just do this...it's a slap in the face!" C.J. calmly tells him she didn't mean it as one. He insists it is. C.J.: "Mitch, I put you in the very first row I don't care about. Of the things I don't care about, I put you right up front." She takes off.
Toby follows her through the hallway telling her she should amend her comments in a statement to reflect the fact that the resignations are effective whenever they're effective. C.J. says she did. She asks Toby, "He's going to remember he doesn't say a word about labour without running it past the local AFL?" Toby says he is. She adds, "And he's gotta go door-to-door. He hasn't lived there since he was eighteen." Talking about Sam, I guess. Toby says Sam knows. She says, "Speaking of which: high-school snapshots." Hmm? Toby says he knows.
Toby and C.J. split off and Toby wanders into Sam's office, where Sam is packing up his things. He's taking his framed Navy Jack flag poster off the wall. Maybe you'll have better luck with that "don't tread on me" sentiment out in California, Sam. Toby complains that Sam's taking his Laker banner: "'Cause there's a shortage of them in southern California?" Toby tells him to leave it, and leave the stapler. Sam: "It's a West Wing office. Someone's going to use it for ninety days." Which means I guess Sam will be back just in time for the end of sweeps and a swan song in maybe early to mid-March? Sounds about right. In the meantime, maybe we'll get phone conversations with him where we don't even see him, we're just told it's him on the other end of the phone. ["Maybe he'll be like Mulder, and we'll just see his back as he runs across a field, really far away from the camera. And other than that, he'll just be out running errands." -- Wing Chun] We'll see less of him than we would of Donna or C.J. if Janel Moloney or Allison Janney had sprung a pregnancy on the producers, I'm sure of that. Hey, wouldn't that be a gas? Then Donna'd have a reason to tote Sparky's cardboard boxes all over the place. Toby says they might need a stapler: "It's ours." Sam puts it back. Sam seems a little touchy -- not that I blame him. Or maybe it's Rob Lowe I don't blame and I'm just getting them mixed up. Who knows anymore? Toby says he's been travelling a lot. Sam says he had to go get nominated and set up his office out there: "And then meet every member of the California Democratic Party." He approaches Toby and says, "Listen, there's no way I'm going to be able to help with this. Which is worse for me than it is for you, but there's never gonna be the time." Toby wasn't counting on it. They discuss using other staffers but Toby pooh-poohs that idea: "There's no one on the speechwriting staff who can do this. It's okay." Sam says it's a pretty big job for Toby to do by himself. Toby emits a "no shit" chuckle. He asks Sam if he's going to remember the local AFL: "You gotta go door-to-door. You were eighteen when you lived there." Sam knows all that and sarcastically asks Toby, "You want a hug?" Sam looks both boyish and tired in this scene. Toby suppresses his HoYay impulses and tells Sam to put the banner back. He leaves, saying, "See you week." Sam watches him go, and then stuffs the banner into the box anyway.
Josh arrives at work and comments to Donna that there are some new people. She follows him into his office, explaining that Cabinet Affairs provided temps so there'd be extra staff support during the vetting period. Josh says, "Which is good..." Donna: "But?" Josh: "I'm not one to give fashion advice..." Donna says, smiling, "No, you're not." Josh has trouble saying it, but finally chokes out his problem: one of the temporary staffers is wearing a Star Trek pin. He wonders if today is a special Star Trek holiday or something. Donna: "How the hell would I know?" Sing it, sister. Josh wants Donna to find out, and if it's not, well, he feels that the Star Trek-pin-wearing employee is not the most "confidence-inspiring sight" (unlike Josh in his hipwaders); he wants Donna to ask her to cease and desist. Donna is alarmed to hear the employee is a woman. And what if it is a special Star Trek holiday -- The Feast of the Psionic Transmutation of Synthetic Meatloaf into Turkey or whatever -- then does she get to wear the pin? Josh asks for his briefing memo; Donna hands it to him and he starts off for his meeting.
Donna follows Josh out, saying she's doing him a favour and now she wants him to do her one. Josh points out that when she's paid to do something, that's not a favour. She endures the mini-lecture and then tells him...oh God, this is so ridiculous and childish and embarrassing I can't believe Janel Moloney and Brad Whitford have to play this. I can't believe I have to recap it. Sigh. She wants Josh to ask Jack "Sparky" Reese if he likes her. I only wish I were making this up. Josh: "Wow. I'm definitely not going to do that." Donna asks him how many "girls" she's gotten for him. You know, if Mandy and/or Amy are examples of her work, Josh should tell her to stop already. He wonders if Donna's talking about the women who come up to her and ask if he's Josh Lyman. Donna says she's said "yes" every time. Josh says he'll properly ID Sparky for her. Donna says all Josh has to do is introduce himself to Sparky, remind him that Donna works for Josh, and see if Sparky says anything. Josh: "I can't, Potsie, Ralph and I are double-dating with the DuBrewski twins." Seriously. It's not even quite that advanced, Josh. Though I know I've seen Fonzie and his waterskis around here several times. Donna says she's asking very little: "And you know, you know how lame I am with this!" Oh, for the love of Germaine Greer. Grow a spine and ask the man out! Also: I don't think I'm buying her "lameness" act: she's attractive, talkative, engaging, warm, and friendly. Does she really have so much trouble connecting with potential partners? I mean, the ones that slightly more responsive than Sparky is? Josh says, "That's true." Donna figures out that he's been giving her a hard time because of the crack she made about him giving fashion advice. She asks if he'll do it.
As Josh and Donna round a corner, Josh sees Amy signing in at Security. He asks what she's doing there. (The perennial question.) Donna explains that Amy has an appointment with Josh right after his senior staff meeting. Donna tells Amy they're running about fifteen minutes behind. Shouldn't Josh be at that meeting then, in order to avoid the wrath of Debbie? Amy: "At 10:00? That's like, a half-hour ahead." Donna: "I know. We're very proud." Josh wants to know what he's meeting with Amy about. Donna gets Josh to say he'll talk to Sparky and takes off.
Amy walks over to him as Josh figures out what the meeting's about. Amy says, "It's about Vicky Hilton. And I'm here in no official capacity and I'm wielding nothing. But the League of Professional Women is going to represent her, and they've asked me if I could help get them time with the President." Amy and Josh start walking as Josh tells her that there's no way the White House is going to get involved in it, because it's a military thing. Amy says that civilians run the military: "Not only is it okay for you to get involved, you're supposed to. It's the law." Josh: "And the Commander-in-Chief chooses not to overrule his commanders." Amy: "He chooses to do that without hearing informed argument?" Josh: "Yes, 'cause then when he says, 'no,' I got a problem with women." Aw, wimmin! Always throwing monkey wrenches into the smooth operation of government by men. It's "The Women of Qumar II: Electric Bugaloo." Amy replies, "Except that my friends and I can give you a problem with women right now." Josh wonders, "What happened to 'I came wielding nothing'?" Amy: "I forgot that women just got him re-elected. Evidently, you did too." Josh smirks and snipes, "'Evidently, you did too.'" Good grief. We really are in middle school here. Josh gives Amy an odd sequence of smirky smiling expressions. Brad Whitford seems to have lost a lot of weight or something. Amy just smiles at Josh. Oh, just kiss already. It's not like either of you is going to do any better. After a pause, Amy says: "I met her last night. This is a special girl. I want to speak up for her." I don't find it at all credible that Amy would refer to an accomplished female fighter pilot as a "girl." It's a lot more believable when Leo does it, for example. Also, what's so special about having an affair and disobeying orders when you're told to stop? Josh sobers up and says they'll talk in fifteen minutes. They start to go their separate ways as Amy mockingly echoes, "All right, we'll talk in fifteen minutes." Josh turns and jokingly says, "Shut up." Amy: "You shut up." Leo enters the hall in time to catch this last exchange and mutters as he walks between them, "Oh, God help me, some days." Sing it, brother! Can I get an "Amen"?
Sam arrives at his campaign office in California, and his workers all applaud. He tells them they don't have to keep doing that. He runs into Will, who's wearing very casual clothes and looking comparatively relaxed. Sam asks him where he decided to go for his vacation; Will tells him he's going to Nice. Sam thinks that's a good choice and says he likes to stay at the Beau Rivage but thinks that might be a little pricey for Will. Will: "Actually, I'm going to stay at the Villa Ephrussi de Rothschild at Saint Jean Cap Ferrat. It's not a hotel, I guess, quite so much as it's...well, a castle." Sam asks if this is a family connection. Will says it is. Sam: "All of Europe's a family connection for you, isn't it?" Will: "Parts of Asia." He says his plane leaves in three hours, and tells Sam that he still has to put the County Clerk in the boat, and that he has to remember Nina Mercer and light rail. Sam says he wouldn't ask Will to postpone his vacation if it wasn't important. Will wonders when he was asked that. Sam says he's obviously about to. Will: "Well, then, your shoelaces are untied and I'm hauling ass!" Sam says that Toby needs Will's help with a Presidential speech. Will says the White House has an OEOB full of speechwriters. Sam says that not everybody does this kind of speechwriting: "And at this particular moment, not anybody over there does this kind of speechwriting." Will wonders if Sam wants to do something about that. Sam: "I would, Will, but I don't work there at the moment." Will: "I won. I'm sorry. How many times do have to say I'm sorry?" Sam says Will's not done yet. Will says it would be a privilege and the thrill of a lifetime to help write for the President, but he's just too worn out from the campaign to do it well: "A guy died from it. This campaign had fatalities. When is the President giving his speech?" Sam: "January 20th." Will: "The President is giving two speeches on January 20th?" Sam: "No, just the Inauguration." Will: "Sure. And Toby wants me?" Sam says he does, because of the Tillman speech. I wonder if Toby knows this yet. Sam says Will's flying in that direction anyway and he thought he could stop in Washington and meet with Toby. Will agrees. Sam says he'll set up the appointment. Will says he'll change his flight plans. Sam very quickly scribbles a note and hands it to Will, telling him to give it to Toby when he gets there. Rob Lowe seems kind of listless in this scene -- not that I blame him. For those of you only reading for Sam-related material, you can check out now. Thank you for flying with Air Deborah. We hope you enjoyed the woefully meagre portion of undersalted cocktail pretzels. The weather in Newport Beach is...well, the pilot has no idea, but she's sure it's a hell of a lot warmer than where she's from.
Tuesday. C.J.'s briefing the press again. She's gotten her hair cut a little shorter and has heavier bangs again, which I like, but her hair is kind of sticking out in various directions like it was unsuccessfully ironed or something. She tells a reporter that POTUS is fully committed to Kyoto. Mark wants to ask about Vicky Hilton, but before he can even get his question out, C.J. interrupts and directs him to the Pentagon. She calls on Mitch , who asks about the seat reassignment. She seems caught slightly off-guard and tells him they already talked about that, but expresses willingness to talk more in her office. Mitch: "You made a unilateral decision." Yeah, well I think this is her show, buddy. C.J. thinks so too: "Well, it's my house, Mitch. But as a matter of fact, I consulted with White House Correspondents' Association." Mitch: "I think you changed the seating because you don't like our coverage." Dude, it's Sherri Wexler II: Electric Boogaloo. Have not these foolish mortals learned that they shouldn't mess with C.J.? She replies, completely unflapped, "Or your attitude. But that's not why I changed the seating. Thank you." She walks off the stage. Mitch squirms a bit.
Josh comes back to tell Donna he's going to see Funkmaster Funky Fitz. He notes that the offending staffer has removed her Star Trek pin and thanks Donna. Donna says the staffer is kind of worked up about it. (Said staffer is still smirking to herself about the Captain Janeway tattoo on her back, though.) Josh asks why. Donna doesn't know. Josh sighs and tells Donna to hang on. He walks over and introduces himself to an unhappy-looking redheaded woman with black cat-eye style glasses, working at her computer. She introduces herself as Janice Trumble. He starts to explain that he just wanted her to take off her pin around the White House. She informs him that she's appealing his request to her supervisor, Stacy. Seriously? As a temp in the White House you'd really want to make this big a mountain out of this particular molehill? The temps in this place are really something, I have to say. Every one of them talks to senior staff like she's the Commander-in-Chief. Josh points out that he's Stacy's supervisor. Janice: "Okay, well, you got the cards. But Star Trek and the entire Starfleet series is about honour and loyalty and civic duty and the fact that you don't think that those are characteristics that should be displayed inside the White House is sad. But I wouldn't expect you to understand those kinds of things. Anything else?" She says all this without ever looking at Josh. Josh says no and walks away. ["Not that it's really the appropriate venue to discuss such things, but I do agree with Janice that Trek is about all that stuff. She might want to save it for Beat the Geeks, though." -- Wing Chun]
Josh runs into Donna again who says, "See what I mean?" Josh puts his finger to his lips and says, "Shh, shh, shh!" Donna: "What?" Josh: "She is...well, one of the special people." ["Allow me to join in the juvenilia and opine that it takes one to know one." -- Wing Chun] Donna agrees. Josh says that Janice has taken off the pin and they're going to let it be. Donna says she's assuming Josh hasn't talked to Sparky yet. Josh says he hasn't, and asks her what she thinks about the Vicky Hilton problem. Donna: "I think you know what I think." Josh: "No, I mean whether it's right for the White House to be involved." Donna says that's a harder question: "I've been thinking about it and I..." Josh tells her she's gotta go faster time. He's at the Mural Room door already. She walks away.
Josh enters the Mural Room and finds Fitz sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. He's wondering who he's going to write to about his problems with Leo now that Ann Landers is getting her mail delivered by groundhogs. Josh says he hopes he hasn't been waiting, Fitz lies that he never gets to read the Sports section anymore. He tells Josh he thinks he knows what this is about. Josh: "Yeah, there's going to be pressure from women for the President to intercede, and I was hoping we could find a way to intercede without involving the President." Fitz replies, "These things are handled at the Commander's level in the Navy, and I wouldn't step in unless it's the President's pleasure to order me." Mentally he adds, "Which I pray it is not." Josh understands, but adds that Hilton isn't just any pilot: "She's like Jackie Robinson. She's busted a lot of barriers. She's the first woman at Miramar, first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat, she teaches on an F-14...I guess at this point I don't have to give you her résumé." Fitz: "No. But could you tell me more about Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers?" Heh. Josh laughs at himself. Fitz smiles and winks. Josh asks: "Just out of curiosity: if you could step in, would you save her?" Fitz: "No. I'd discharge her, dishonourably, and I'm sure that's what's going to happen." He gets up to leave. Josh says it just doesn't seem right to him. Fitz knows it doesn't. Josh: "Admiral, you know I have all the respect in the world for you, right? And if I didn't, I'd respect the uniform, the rank and the position, anyway." Fitz: "What is it, son?" Josh says he feels like he has to go to Leo. Man, Josh looks dwarfed by Fitz in these shots. ["Fitting, since Josh is dwarfed by Fitz, in every meaningful way." -- Wing Chun] Fitz: "Good. That's the way it's supposed to work." He leaves.
Toby's in his office sweating over some writing. He rips off a sheet of yellow lined paper, folds it in half, and uses his lighter to set it on fire. He puts it in the wastebasket. Someone knocks. It's Will. Toby is reminded that they have an appointment, and invites Will in. "So, you want a job on the speechwriting staff." Will says he doesn't. Toby's all, "I'm sorry?" They go back and forth in this vein until Toby says that Sam told Toby that Will wanted a speechwriting job. Will says Sam told him that Toby wanted help with the Inauguration speech. Toby figures out that there's peanut butter in his chocolate: "Sam's doing a little matchmaking." You can see Toby's wastebasket smoking slightly in the background. Will notices but keeps listening to Toby, who's saying that he's fine doing this by himself. Will: "That's it?" Will says "okay," stands up, and points out that Toby's wastebasket is on fire. Toby says "yeah" as he stands up and picks up a seltzer bottle: "It's not personal...a speech like this, obviously it takes a certain amount of experience, and uh..." He calmly sprays the seltzer bottle into the can. Toby continues, "And uh...a certain something." Will: "Just out of curiosity, how do you know I don't have the something?" Toby: "'Cause you don't have the experience." Will says "okay," but looks like he doesn't agree. He says it was nice meeting Toby and walks to the door, then pauses and says, "For the record, I was President of Cambridge Union on a Marshall Scholarship and I've written for three Congressional races and a governor." Toby says he read the Stanford Club speech: "I thought it was good. Not as good as other people thought it was." All of this is conveyed in a very low-key way. Will: "Yeah?" Toby becomes a little more energetic: "Call and response isn't going to work in front of a Joint Session. You're alliteration happy: 'guardians of gridlock,' 'protectors of privilege.' I needed an avalanche of Advil." Heh. He carries on, "And when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don't mind constructive criticism, do you?" Will: "No, sir." Toby: "Anyway, thanks for coming in. I told Sam I can do this by myself." Will: "Well...maybe he thought that your speeches were obscurantist policy tracts lost in a cul-de-sac of their own internal self-righteousness and groaning from the weight of statistics." Heh. Burn. Toby looks slightly surprised. Will: "I'm just speculating. I can't say for sure." Toby makes a little "huh" sound and taps his finger sharply on his pad. He grabs a pad and states, "A 500-word stanza on American leadership in a globally interdependent age that moves beyond triumphalism by this time tomorrow. If it's 501, don't show it to me." Boy, I'm glad Wing Chun isn't that strict. ["For now..." -- Wing Chun] Toby stands up and hands the pad to Will. Will takes the pad and leaves without a word, nodding to Toby as he goes. Toby sits down and sets another page on fire. I'm becoming quite convinced that the West Wing staffers have disabled all the smoke detectors, between the smoking that occurs randomly and at parties, and Toby setting his work on fire and whatnot.
Leo tells Charlie that POTUS is going to be getting a phone call, and he doesn't want POTUS to take it, nor to know why. Charlie says, "The first part is okay; the second part gets ethically tricky." Yeah, Leo cares about that, I'll bet. Leo explains that the UN has had a "decades-old conflict with New York City." Apparently, foreign diplomats park wherever they want, get tickets, don't pay them, and then the White House's troubles begin. Well, you can see how, what with diplomats using their immunity the world over to get away with all kinds of murder -- literally -- they'd expect to park wherever the hell they want, too. As Leo puts it, "Every once in a while the city goes on a jihad and starts towing all their cars and that's just happened." An incredibly inaccurate and actually, somewhat offensive use of the word jihad, but whatever. And the Secretary-General is supposedly going to call POTUS to complain. Charlie: "You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?" Leo: "Yeah, could you swing that?" Charlie: "If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?" Leo: "I gotta keep the knucklehead stuff off his desk, and this is worse. This is actually hot-button knucklehead. This could be a thing. If he knows why the Secretary's calling, he's going to lose it and he's going to be in it." Charlie says, "Yes, sir." Leo asks what he thinks about Vicky Hilton. Wow, someone's soliciting Charlie's opinion on an important matter? What show am I watching again? Charlie says, "I don't think you can reasonably ask someone to control who [sic] they fall in love with." I heartily agree, but you can damn well expect them to control their behaviour. That's what adults do. That's what professionals do. Leo thanks him.
Charlie leaves as Toby arrives. Toby and Leo start pedeconferencing. Leo says he wanted to see Toby because he read a set of brief remarks for the Better Housing Conferences. Toby asks if that's something he usually reads. Leo says it isn't. Toby wants to know why Leo was reading it. Leo says it's because it's not something he usually reads: "I noticed that the writing has a quality you don't usually find in remarks of this nature. Usually it's written by one of the guys in the shop." Toby says they're a little shorthanded and he did it himself. Leo points out that Toby mixed up the FHA with FEMA. He wants to know what Toby's plan is while Sam is gone for three months. Toby: "We talked about this." Leo: "As long as you still know what you're doing." Toby: "The adjustment period with me, for a new person..." Leo says he adjusted to Sam. Toby: "Maybe, and if I did, it was, like, a week ago." Leo says he could try. Toby wants to know who they could get. Leo says there are people. Toby insists there aren't: "You're like the guys who say, 'Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speechwriter good enough to work at the White House?' I'm amazed I found that many. 'Good enough to work at the White House' is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I'd be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. And Sam was one of them." Leo asks Toby what he thinks about Vicky Hilton. Toby thinks that they've invested a lot of time and money in teaching her how to fly a warplane: "Which, it turns out, she does very well, and there aren't very many who do, so I'm going to go ahead and pick national security over caring who [sic] she sleeps with." Leo says that Josh talked to him today. Toby says it can't go in the Oval Office. Leo definitely agrees: "Except I have a woman problem." Man, isn't that always the way? Toby asks: "Is Jordan pestering you? 'Cause I'm getting it from Andi on this day and night." Poor babies. Cripes, the crap men have to put up with for some poontang. Leo: "No, Toby, I meant a woman's issue. The constituency of women. Though Jordy hasn't shut up about Vicky Hilton." "Jordy"? Okay. Toby: "This is what I'm saying." Leo goes into his meeting and Toby takes off.
Wednesday. Jed ends a meeting in his office and asks C.J., "What the hell's going on with the seats in the Briefing Room?" C.J. tells him not to worry about it. He says he's not, but he just read about it. C.J. quickly explains what happened and says she thinks he shouldn't comment on it. Jed: "I'll comment on it. I'll say, 'Sit your ass where you're told and get back to work.'" ["That's about how strict I am." -- Wing Chun] C.J. doesn't think that's such a hot idea, either. Assistant Nancy sticks her head and tells Jed that the Secretary-General's on the phone. Charlie says no, and lies that Jed can't take the call until he reads a new memo on Rwanda that Toby wanted him to read. He further lies that he forgot to tell the switchboard. Jed buys it and tells Nancy he'll have to return the call. He turns to C.J. and asks if she's going to take care of it. She says she's going to have a camera position moved. Jed: "Well, I'm sorry to hear you're caving, but whatever." C.J.: "Yeah, but I'm not caving, sir." Jed's still all "whatever" about it. The room is overcome with a blinding light as Sparky bops in with the CEC briefing POTUS requested. Jed thanks him and introduces him to Josh and C.J., who are still at the back of the room. C.J. greets Sparky naturally; Josh's eyes kind of light up. Say, he's got more chemistry with Sparky already than Donna's had for the other two episodes. Jed reads the report, saying, "They're talking about a force level data-fusion network." Sparky: "Yes, sir." Jed: "Nancy thinks France will come around after the North Sea exercise." Sparky says she does, and that he agrees. Jed thanks them all, and they leave.
Outside the Oval Office, Josh catches up with Sparky and reintroduces himself. Because, you know, Sparky's probably already forgotten in the five-second interim. Josh makes it clear that this conversation was not his idea. Oh God, do I really have to sit through this again? It's so icky. Josh asks whether Sparky remembers his assistant Donna. Sparky does, and tells the vote-trading story, and how he thought that was kind of cool of her. See, there was your first mistake, Sparky. And it's off to the races: Josh says, "Well, if you like that, she nearly got arrested once when she got her arm stuck in a mailbox trying to retrieve a letter she wrote to Ilie Nastase. She once left her underpants at an art opening and after a summit in Belarus, she tried to smuggle eleven scented Minsk candles into an overnight bag. They evacuated the terminal." Wow, sabotaging her dates with local gomers never gets old, does it, Josh? Sparky doesn't really know what to do with all this information. He wonders if there's anything he can do for Josh. Not unless you've got a line on some human growth hormone or something. Oh, that probably doesn't advance maturity, does it? Hmm. Anyway, Josh says no. Sparky says it was good meeting him and Josh pats him on the back as they go their separate ways.
Josh runs into Donna and tells her he just talked to Sparky. Donna: "And?" Josh: "I think I did well. I think I fanned the flame." He's very proud of himself. Donna wants to know if he wants to go out. Josh thinks so. Donna wants to know what Sparky said. Josh tells her he thought it was cool that she wanted to trade votes. He then blathers about how he told him all the other "cool" things about her. Donna is unhappy to learn he told Sparky the Ilie Nastase story. Josh claims he thought it "went with the vote-swapping theme." Donna: "No, it goes with the 'crazy' theme! What else did you tell him?" Josh mentions the candles. Donna stage-whispers: "Josh!" Josh insists that they're endearing stories. Donna: "If you know me, if you know me well, if you already like me! These are not stories, for instance, I would have told you when I was trying to get the job." Josh points out that when she was trying to get the job, she was pretending she already had the job: "So it's not like your underwear at an art gallery was going to change my mind." Donna is horrified that Josh told Sparky that. Josh: "Again, endearing!" Donna claims that Karen Cahill had her flummoxed: "Did you tell him I was flummoxed?" Josh: "I think the underwear on the floor speaks for itself." Donna insists Josh has to go back, because Sparky's going to think she's flaky. Josh: "Maybe, but he's not gonna care." Donna: "Why?" Josh: "Guys'll go out with anybody." That's probably pretty true, at least if what I've seen is any indication. Josh wanders back into his office as Donna says, "That hasn't been my experience. Go back!" Josh: "I am not gonna..." She snaps: "I have done many humiliating things for you!" Boy, there's something I don't want to know too much more about. Josh says, "Okay, but I'm gonna work for a while on making people's lives better." As Donna asks, "How long's that gonna take?" he shuts the door in her face." She turns around and seethes. Yeah, sure. Send him back. Because he hasn't made enough of a mess of things.
Leo walks with POTUS along the portico. Jed asks, "You're going to talk to Berryhill?" Leo says he will. Jed: "He wants to feel loved. You'll make him feel loved. I want him in the Cabinet." Jed's smoking. Leo assures him, "He's gonna feel all kinds of love." Jed: "Hey!" Leo says that Josh talked to him yesterday about Vicky Hilton. Jed wonders whether Leo thinks they should get involved. Leo doesn't: "But you're going to have problems with the women." Jed looks surprised as he puts out his cigarette, asking, "Abby and the girls?" Leo: "No." Jed: "Women." Leo: "Yes." Jed: "'Cause I gotta tell you, I've been hearing it from Abby and the girls." What a shame these brilliant political minds are surrounded by these nagging shrews. I don't know what's most annoying: the conflation of "women" and "feminists," or the constant references to the monolithic problem of "women," or the personalizing of this problem so that it's about how it affects the men, or the fact that we keep hearing about how Jordan, Andi, Abby and Jed's daughters are all quite upset about this but the only person from whom we hear the slightest peep is Amy, and even then, she doesn't make any case at all. It's as if mentioning that they have a problem is a sufficient representation of their views. Leo's sure Jed's been hearing all about it. He thinks it's gotta stay out of the Oval Office. Jed asks him what he thinks about Vicky Hilton. Leo: "She disobeyed an order. You can't do that." They sit down in the Oval Office and Jed asks, "Isn't there some question as to whether it's practical to give that order in the first place?" Leo wonders whether Jed wants pilots overruling their superiors on matters of practicality. Jed doesn't; he's just saying there are a few sides to this. Leo agrees, and says Jed's just heard his. Jed: "But we'll hear no others, because we don't want it in the Oval Office." Leo: "Right." Jed: "Okay. Anything else?" Leo thanks him and goes into his office. Jed puts on his specs and reads a document, glancing after Leo before he does.
Briefing Room. Mitch is in there alone, reading a paper. C.J. comes in (her hair looks better now) and says, "Well, you win, I lose. I don't want this to be a story. I want the President to be able to function. I'm moving the newsmagazines back up front and I apologize." Mitch: "I appreciate that." Dude, you didn't really think it'd be that easy, did you? C.J. continues, "When you're not here, there'll be a sign on your chair with your name and the name of your publication. I've given C-SPAN permission for a second camera position that's on your seat so the broadcast director can go there at his or her discretion." Heh heh heh. Mitch asks if she's kidding. She sure isn't: "If you're not here, you better get a seat-filler, and they better be prepared, because they're going to be called on for the honour of the first question." She's right up in his face right now. And she has to look up slightly. She hardly ever has to look up at anyone. C.J.: "This should be about other people, don't you think?" Mitch replies, "As a matter of fact, I do." C.J. says she knows. She wishes him a Happy Thanksgiving and starts to walk out. He returns the wish. She stops and says, "By the way, Danny Concannon won a Pulitzer Prize from the fourth row." Mitch replies, "Danny's more talented than I am." Ha! C.J. doesn't argue: "See you, Mitch."
Josh finds his way down to Sparky's homeroom. Sweet fancy Moses, this storyline can't end soon enough. And for some reason, the lighting's has an overwhelming peachy cast. And it's all shadowy and moody. Josh asks Sparky if he's got the answers to the fifth-period math quiz. Sparky says he doesn't. Actually, Sparky's working on a memo for the CO at a radar station at the Arctic Circle. Josh asks whether Sparky's ever been there (Sparky has), and what it's like. Sparky: "Well, small-town feel. Nicest people you'll ever meet. And a terrific symphony if you like classical music with a pops orchestra on Sunday nights." Josh: "Really?" Heh. I'm sure I must have mentioned this before, but Professor Frink would no doubt want me to mention that he spent four months working at a monitoring station in Alert, considerably farther north than the Arctic Circle -- actually, it was less than 500 miles from the North Pole. He spent three of those months in twenty-four-hour darkness, never mind the -50 Celsius weather. I would have fed myself to a polar bear if I had to endure that. Anyway, with a winter population of 130 people, Alert was rather more inhabited than your average radar station. Not enough for a symphony, mind you, but they did have a military radio station, where they made the mistake of letting Frink be a DJ. He got in trouble with the CO up there for using the airwaves to rouse rabbles. Had he been an actual member of the military instead of an unbridled engineering student he would have been in a lot more serious trouble. He brought back some video he shot and there is the cutest footage of these adorable Arctic foxes. He fed them cookies. This was one of the funnest times of his life, to hear him tell it. I wouldn't have lasted three days between the cold and the darkness. (You know, in my defense, I do know that was an especially pointless digression, but I swear, this grade-school drama storyline is alternately boring me silly and irritating me, so I have to amuse myself somehow. Plus, every time I get an email from some whiner telling me to leave my "opinions and other junk out of my reviews" I resolve to put more in, 'cause I'm just perverse like that. Get a clue about this site, already.)
Anyway, Josh figures out that there's no symphony and no people at the Arctic Circle. Sparky: "On the other hand, Sunday night does last six months." Josh awkwardly launches into trying to correct Sparky's impression of Donna, much to Sparky's continued puzzlement. He finally tells Sparky that if he wanted to ask her out, she'd probably say yes. God, this is painful. Sparky: "I'm new here, and I want to do well, and I don't want to get in between anything." Good thinking. Stay the hell away from these two and their grade-school, pigtail-pulling...relationship, for lack of a better word. Josh, clueless as ever: "'In between anything'?" Sparky sighs heavily, and spells it out for him: "I have an aide, who, in my life, I haven't talked about as much as you've talked about Donna in our entire relationship, yours and mine, which is a cumulative total of seven minutes old." Josh is Deputy Denial and assures Sparky that he doesn't like Donna that way: "Tell me your aide's name; I'll ask her out, we'll double." Sparky: "Chief Petty Officer Harold Wendell." Josh: "I got the fuzzy end of that lollipop." Heh. Yeah, you wish. Also: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Sparky: "I don't know, Wendell's not cute cute, but he's so funny." He makes quotation mark gestures around the first "cute," but not the crooked fingers kind, the two fingers straight-up kind. Not much better. Josh says they're done talking about Donna...except of course, he's not: "Whose full name is Donnatella, by the way...Mom's Italian, Dad's Irish." Boss's a dumb-ass. Josh leaves and Sparky just kind of snorts to himself. If the light were any peachier in here, I'd think Frank Bielec was working for the show now.
Oval Office. Jed's raving to Charlie as he signs stuff, "He's wrong. Leo's wrong. Are we to live with the assumption that there are no men in the services who've committed adultery?" I'm not sure that's the argument anyone's making. Jed: "I don't know what's worse, being stupid or pretending to be stupid. Tell him that." Charlie says, "Yes, sir."
Jed decides to do it himself. He walks to Leo's office door, bursts through it, and -- ignoring the person Leo's meeting with -- declares, "Eisenhower and Kay Summersby, a subordinate...Hammond with the wives of two junior officers. So GI Jane gets a court martial; GI Joe gets a short film on hygiene? That is all I have to say to you." He flounces out, leaving Leo looking slightly bewildered.
When Jed reaches his desk again, Charlie asks, "Feel better, sir?" Jed says he forgot to tell Leo something else and heads for Leo's office again. Leo's already on his way through the door, holding up the Uniform Code of Military Justice and mentioning Article 134: "Which exists to ensure that soldiers will risk their life [sic] for each other. I think you'll agree that without that, there isn't much point in having articles 1 through 133. Nobody ordered Eisenhower to stop seeing Summersby." Jed snaps, "That's right! Because men don't give that order to other men!" Leo: "Excuse me, but did you not fire our ambassador to somewhere in South America, I can't remember, 'cause he was messing around with..." Jed says it was the daughter of the President of Brazil. Actually it was the Bulgarian Ambassador who was having an affair with the Prime Minister's daughter. Or, you know, maybe they're talking about another incident altogether. Or maybe both their memories are going. Or maybe mine is. Jed says that presented a political problem for him. He adds that he didn't fire the ambassador, he asked him to resign, and set him up in the private sector: "And if you think the difference is semantic, look up 'dishonourable discharge' in there. Look up Fort Leavenworth." Well, I think the real issue is whether there's a double standard in the way punishments are applied to male and female members of the military. I believe the answer is yes, and I hope they're going to get into this in future episodes. Vicky Hilton shouldn't be given a free ride because she's a woman, never mind a very talented one; nor should she be subject to stricter discipline than a man in her situation would be. What's love got to do with it?
Nancy knocks and says it's the Secretary-General. Charlie says Jed can't take it. Jed says he read the Rwanda memo. Leo confesses, "I told him to pass-block on the call." Jed demands to know why. Leo: "Parking tickets." Jed makes an even angrier face and heads for the phone. Leo pleads with him not to get into it. Yeah, good luck with that. Jed jabs the button on the phone and bellows, "There are big signs! You can't park there! They should get towed! I hope they get towed to Queens! And the Triboro is closed! And there's a big craft show at Shea! A flea market! Or a tractor show!" Dude, get a grip. You can't talk to Kofi Annan like that! I bet he can kick your ass. Nancy slips out because it's a little embarrassing to watch your father lose it like this, even if you're pretending to be his assistant. Jed jabs the button to end the call. Charlie points out, "Well, that was probably his secretary." Jed: "Dammit!" Charlie: "You can bet she'll be parking it in a garage, though."
Jed gets back to Leo, who is just grimacing at him: "Do you really think that Vicky Hilton is unable to distinguish between this order and a combat order?" Leo says that it was a combat order: "They're all combat orders! When you order a guy to go fight, the guy can't think it's 'cause you're sleeping with his wife." Jed: "You're right." Leo: "That's...an unusual phrase for you, sir. Did you just learn it, or..." Jed says that Leo didn't let him finish. Leo: "I had a hunch." Jed: "I may also be right. We get five more people in here, I think we're going to have eight opinions! So let's!" Leo shakes his head, saying, "It's Pentagon." Jed argues, "And two elections in a row, people said they wanted me to run that." Leo points out there are issues of chain of command and command influence. Jed replies, "Right now, I'm not talking about overruling anyone or pardoning anyone. Right now, I'm just talking about having people over and asking questions." Maybe over a nice cup of chai? Oh God, Jed lapses into an anecdote about playing basketball in prep school. Let me see if I can extract the point without having to recount all this blather: winners want the ball. Yes, that's it. Jed: "I don't think I ever want to hear, "It's too sticky for the Oval Office." He heads for his desk and starts screaming at the phone, "Except for parking tickets, you cheap-ass diplomats!" Jed walks over to Charlie and pokes him lightly in the chest with his forefinger, saying, "Read that whole memo on Rwanda, by the way." Charlie kind of smirks. Lotta smirking in this episode. Jed turns to Leo and asks what he's smiling at. Leo: "Nothing." Jed asks, "Are we together on this? Do we have resolve? We've got four years, no election, and a Republican Congress that hates me, and actually, hates you more. You ready to saddle up?" Leo: "Well, I serve at the President's pleasure...and it's kind of nice for me to." Jed, finally calming down a bit: "All right. Good, then. Happy Thanksgiving." Which reminds me: isn't there a turkey somewhere that needs pardoning?
Josh wanders up to Donna's desk and tells her that he thinks Sparky's going to call her. Donna says he already did. Probably afraid Josh and Potsie and Ralph Malph would give him a noogie or something if he didn't. Donna says they're going out for a drink, and that she would really like to go home and shower and change first. (I don't know what for, she looks perfectly cute right now.) What Donna means: Josh, don't you dare come up with some half-assed mission for me that has to be done right now. She's got her scarf on already and is packing up her things; she tells Josh that all the stuff he wants is on his desk, and if there's anything else, she's happy to come in early tomorrow. She gives him a slightly pleading look and says, "Do you think I could go?" Josh asks what time it is. It's 7:45 PM. Geez, Josh, do you really have to think about it? Does it really depend on the time? As if she might not have put in a full day. Frankly, this woman works so hard for you and keeps such ridiculous hours that if it were 9:30 in the morning you should damn well let her go. Josh is all big about it: "Sure." Donna thanks him: "I really like him." Why? Why do you really like him? Give me something to go on, here. The only thing I can come up with is that he's not an immature boob like some people I could name. Josh tells Donna to have a good time. He's stuffing his face with something from Donna's desk. He wanders off and then says, "Those are good stories about you, though. Those stories would make me like you." Donna's busily putting on her coat and rifling through messages and absently says, "You like everybody." That would explain Amy and Mandy...sort of. Josh mentions that tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and reminds her she won't be coming in at all tomorrow. She asks if there's anything he needs. Josh: "No, I'm just saying, you won't be coming in at all." She's not interested in belabouring the point; she's outta there. She has something to look forward to besides banging her head against brick walls. Unless Sparky turns out to be gay. She calls out "Happy Thanksgiving!" as she leaves. Josh says, "You too," as he meanders along, eating.
Suddenly Josh hears Janice's voice saying, "I'm not obsessed, you know." Josh: "I'm sorry?" Janice: "I'm not obsessed. I'm just a fan and I care." Josh asks her name again. She tells him. He comes into her cubicle and sits down to her desk. He says, "I'm a fan. I'm a sports fan, I'm a music fan and I'm a Star Trek fan. All of them. But here's what I don't do -- tell me if any of this sounds familiar: 'Let's list our ten favourite episodes. Let's list our least favourite episodes. Let's list our favourite galaxies. Let's make a chart to see how often our favourite galaxies appear in our favourite episodes. What Romulan would you most like to see coupled with a Cardassian and why? Let's spend a weekend talking about Romulans falling in love with Cardassians and then let's do it again.'" Janice listens to all this with a slightly hurt look on her face. Josh lays down the law: "That's not being a fan. That's having a fetish. And I don't have a problem with that, except you can't bring your hobbies in to work, okay?" ["Ha. Our traffic logs tell us that y'all bring your hobbies in to work a lot. Almost exclusively, in fact." -- Wing Chun] Janice: "Got it." Why isn't it enough to just tell Janice that it has to be all business, all the time around the workplace? Why does Josh have to browbeat her? Josh gets up and says, "Except on Star Trek holidays." Janice calls after him, "There's no such thing as a Star Trek holiday." Josh: "Well, work hard around here. We'll make one." Janice smiles for the first time.
Toby's alone in the Mess, struggling with the speech. He's muttering various phrases to himself. There's a coffee cup and a beer bottle on the table, a stogie is burning away, and most of the room is in darkness. The camera drifts around him showing him from various angles and distances. Suddenly Will appears in front of him and tosses the pad of yellow paper in front of him, saying, "Four hundred and ninety-eight -- but with my name, it's five hundred." Toby hands him his pad, saying, "This is mine."
Will sits down, and he and Toby start reading each other's speeches. After several long moments of silence, Toby says, "Stop reading mine." Will says, "Actually, it's..." Toby: "Stop reading it, please." Will puts the pad on the table. Toby keeps reading Will's draft and then says softly, "We can't offer you any money. We can put you up in a hotel." Will mentions that he works with somebody: "She's my stepsister, actually." Well, that's one mystery solved. Still floundering on the Sparky thing. Toby: "That's fine, but she's on your payroll." Good thing Will appears to be loaded. The camera drifts down to the pad Toby's holding and Toby says, "This is incredibly good...Will. 'Never shrinking from the world's...' '...a fierce belief in what we can achieve together.'" He sighs and turns some pages, saying, "I used to write like this. It was ten months ago. I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different." Toby finally looks right at Will and says, "I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it." Aw. Toby gives him a disarming smile: "I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it." And so far, there's no Viagra for writer's block. He continues, "I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look. I'm the President's voice and I don't want it to sound like this. And there's an incredible history to second Inaugurals. 'Fear itself,' Lincoln...I really thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close." Aw, Toby. I'm getting slightly ferklempt over here. He concludes, "Now I'm just writing for my life and you can't serve the President that way. But if I didn't write...I can't serve him at all." Will says, "Yeah. Can I tell you three things?" Toby acquiesces with a gesture.
Will begins, "You are more in need of a night in Atlantic City than any man I've ever met." He is pretty tightly wound, that's for sure. Will continues: "Number two is, the last thing you need to worry about is no blood going there. You've got blood going there, about thirteen ways. And some of it isn't good. Once again, I say, 'Atlantic City.' I'd say sit down at a table, go for dinner, see a show..." Toby reaches for his stogie. Will: "...take a walk on the boardwalk and smell the salt air...but if you're anything like me, nothing after 'sit down at a table' is going to happen." Toby asks what the third thing is. Will says, "You are one of those guys. This is an inning of good relief pitching from a fresh arm." Toby gazes at Will and fidgets with his right hand. Toby takes a puff of his cigar and says, "All right. All right. Chances are you have certain qualities that are gonna annoy me. I don't know what they are yet, but you have a certain quality about you that says that even though you're a capitalist, you've been schooled in Eastern philosophies." You can just see how that would grate on Toby, too. Will points out that he told him to go to Atlantic City. Toby: "You didn't deny you've been schooled in Eastern philosophy." Will admits: "Well schooled. You want me to locate your chakra? I'm a lawyer." Toby: "Good, 'cause they're never annoying." Hee. And also: oh, man. Remember I've told you previously how much Josh Malina reminds me of my husband's closest cousin? Well, he's a lawyer, too. Will smirks a little, then literally wipes the smirk off his face and says, "Okay. I'm glad you liked what I wrote. I'm pretty tired, and I've been tired for a pretty long time, and you've been tired even longer." He stands up, saying that he's going to Nice and he's going to stay there for a few weeks: "When I get back, it'd be a privilege to give you all the help you ask for." Toby says, "Well, I appreciate that." Will suddenly remembers Sam's note and hands it to Toby. Toby comments that Will didn't give it to him yesterday. Will: "Yeah, you know what? Not your FedEx guy." Will wishes him a happy Thanksgiving and Toby returns the sentiment. Will leaves quietly. Toby opens the note and reads, "Toby -- He's one of us. -- Sam." He sits there thinking about that when Will comes back in suddenly and asks, "Unless you want to start now." Toby: "Yeah."
Wow. Nice work by both, particularly Richard Schiff. I'm sorry Rob Lowe is going (and I hope this really wasn't his last episode, as is being reported while I'm writing this -- if so, that was the sorriest send-off ever), but I'm looking forward to seeing Josh Malina as part of the regular cast. It will be interesting to see how Toby copes with someone who's not as in awe of him as Sam is. Or was. Fare thee well, Sam.