After an Elvis Costello cover of "Little Boxes," we open with Nancy, in Peter's bedroom, realizing that he's a DEA agent. As he sleeps, she happens to reach right into the cabinet she needs to find a badge and a big-ass service weapon. That's lucky! Well, except for the whole thing where she slept with a DEA agent in the first place. Peter calls Nancy back to bed, and she acts like nothing's wrong.
Back at home, Shane goes looking for his mother and finds, instead, Andy passed out with Rejuvenile open on his chest, and then Silas totally getting it on with Megan (at least, until Silas notices him standing there and yells at him). Take that, school!
The morning, Nancy tries to escape Peter's, but can't find her sandal. He offers breakfast, but she babblingly demurs. He comments that she has big feet, and she asks about the gun...and then tells him her feet went up a size with each kid. He says he likes her big feet, and then tells her he's a DEA agent. Having this confirmed, Nancy's like, "Bye," but Peter's still trying to be schmoopy, and says he'll need a kiss if he's not going to feel cheap and used. He asks whether his gun freaked her out, and she says yes, because duh. As Nancy quietly loses her mind on Peter's doorstep, a woman sings, "What the fuck was I thinking?" Um, that you weren't getting any off Conrad?
Then it's time for Celia to mentally abuse her daughter -- this time, for taking pretzels out of a bag of groceries while they're stopped at a light. As they struggle, Celia's car edges out into traffic and a giant SUV plows into her car. Turns out the driver of the SUV is a Latina maid (uniformed, no less), freaking out about getting into an accident in her boss's car. Celia's like, "It's not your fault," and the anxious domestic seizes on this, asking Celia to tell her Mrs. that it was Celia's fault. Celia says it wasn't her fault either, and absently complains that there isn't a light at the intersection. As the maid continues freaking out, admitting that she doesn't have a license, Celia's like, "Are you even legal?" As she goes for paper and pen so they can exchange information, the woman speeds off. Obviously. I am legal and do have a license, but Celia would just about scare the law-abiding right the hell out of me.
At Nancy's, Andy's still talking about applying to yeshiva, blathering that he could register if he were gay and living with his Jewish lover, but not if he married outside the faith, and isn't that fucked up. Well, not as fucked up as applying in order to avoid military service, but whatever. Nancy's kids come in and give her shit for her sleepover, and then Lupita blackmails her into getting the dishwasher fixed. Megan comes downstairs pantless. There's some faint heck doled out for Silas's unauthorized evening guest, and for his new habit of calling her "Nancy" instead of "Mom" or "Mommie Dearest," and then a floral arrangement arrives, from Peter. Nancy can't deal.
Bakery. Nancy asks Conrad whether he was mean to his mother when he was a teenager. He says that Heylia raised him, and didn't put up with any foolishness. Nancy says that she wants her kids to fear her, and Conrad suggests that she could do what his mom did: she shot Conrad in the leg, and now Conrad's plenty scared of her. Nancy asks if Mrs. Conrad did drugs, but he says she never did -- she was a drunk, and shot Conrad thinking he was his father. He adds that Heylia switched him from painkillers (for his gunshot wound) to weed because of sleep problems, which is how she got involved in dealing: "Before that, she worked at Price Club." Sanjay comes out and cheerily asks whether they've solved all their problems yet. Nancy says she's thinking of shooting Silas in the leg, and both her fellas laugh. Conrad says that if they liquidated everything, they'd be halfway to the amount of money they need to start their growing operation. Nancy asks about insurance, but Conrad puts her off, saying that the cops are better at investigating arson than she is committing it. He says that they have some problems, and doesn't seem mollified when Nancy reveals that she slept with a DEA agent.
Inside, Conrad says he isn't going to jail for Nancy. She tries to plead the randomness of her hookup with Peter, but Conrad thinks it was all a setup, and orders her to stay away from Conrad. She protests that she won't see Peter anymore, but Conrad says it's too late. He makes to leave, but Nancy gets in his way and asks, pointedly, whether this is about her sleeping with a DEA agent, or sleeping with another guy. Conrad essentially tells her to get over herself (seriously), and brushes past her.
Celia, still with a bee in her bonnet (and a big scrape on the driver's side of her car) gets up at a meeting of Agrestic's moribund city council (how somnolent are they? Doug is the most engaged member) to plead for a light at the intersection where she had her accident. Doug says that lights are expensive, and Celia grits, "Isn't that what the budget's for?" Doug enlightens her as to where the money's been allocated: renovating the council chamber, a parade, and paying the branding firm that came up with the slogan "Agrestic: The Best Of The Bestic." You laugh, but that shit probably cost the town in the mid six figures. Anyway, the meeting breaks up, Doug reminding one of his fellow members that it'll be his turn to bring the snacks time, and very seriously advises, "I think I speak for everyone when I say vegetarian pigs in a blanket are bullshit." I would think Doug would snack on whatever was put in front of him, no? Anyway, he acts like he just noticed Celia standing there, wanting to murder him, and cheerfully apologizes.
Coffee shop. Nancy's cradling an enormous cappuccino mug which, I'm sorry, might as well have a nipple on it, when Celia steals up behind her, asking if she wants a shot in that. Before she can answer, Celia sits down opposite her and makes a ribald comment about harvesting HGH from "small brown children so that actors and trophy wives can stay in business." Nancy grins, remembering why she likes Celia, and Celia pulls out a mickey, saying she was serious about the shot. Nancy takes her up on it. Celia recaps her accident, and says that she was humiliated at the city council meeting by "the fuckhead Doug Wilson." Nancy idly says that Celia should run for city council, and Celia seizes on the suggestion, saying that Doug would lose his mind. Nancy, trying to cover, says she didn't mean that Celia should run for Doug's seat, oh my no, but Celia's already designing posters in her head, and reminds Nancy that Doug's seat is up for re-election this year. She thanks Nancy for the suggestion. Nancy's like, "Oh, of COURSE."
Yeshiva. Andy's in his interview with lovely Director of Admissions Yael Hoffman, trying to charm her into admitting him by offering the Hebrew words for "jellyfish" and "ice cream." Yael tells him, in Hebrew, that she thinks she's full of shit, and he leans in delightedly, thinking that she's flirting. Yael informs Andy that he talks a lot, but says nothing, and briskly adds that while he's been amusing, they're all done here. Andy's like, "I'm in?" She barely dignifies that. Andy tries to front, saying that he'll just find another yeshiva that's more respectful of his ambitions, and Yael agrees that it's her school's loss. She closes the door on Andy, but after a second he has it open again, begging her -- literally, on his knees -- to admit him, since his life depends on it. She dubiously asks whether someone has a gun to his head, demanding that he become a rabbi, and he's like, "Kind of?" Yael tells Andy that he has five minutes to explain himself, adding that she's wearing a bra, so he can stop looking for her nipples. Andy tries to deny it for about three seconds, and then asks how she knew. "Four minutes fifty seconds," she reminds him. Andy, I don't blame you -- I was looking for them too. Yael = purty.
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Heylia's. Nancy's picking up an order, but it's also turned into a social call, as Heylia makes cheese paninis and advises Nancy to mend her problems with Silas via family dinners. She adds that Nancy needs to remember that she's the boss: "You pushed him out your cooch, you can push him out your house." Well said. Nancy asks whether Heylia's seen Conrad, and Heylia reminds her that Nancy and Conrad aren't friends anymore. Vaneeta quietly tells Nancy that Conrad's out getting her a breast pump, and Nancy advises that she make sure to get an electric one, since the manual version takes forever. Conrad enters -- with the manual kind, of course -- and Vaneeta irritably tells him to take it back for-- "The Pump In Style," says Nancy, as she tries in vain to catch Conrad's eye. She tells Heylia she wants to try a Gruyere panino time, and Conrad mutters, "Won't be no time." Nancy tattles to Heylia that Conrad's talking to her when he's not supposed to, and Heylia orders him out to get Vaneeta the right breast pump. I mean, the correct breast pump. Not a breast pump that won't work on Lefty.
Celia holds a strategy meeting at her house, attended by Pam. Celia suggests the slogan "Celia Hodes: Time For Change," and Pam excitedly says that they could have a picture of a clock, only instead of numbers, there could be nickels and dimes and stuff. Folks, we've got ourselves a rebus fan. Celia dismisses that notion as "retarded," at which Pam sniffs that her nephew is retarded and has to wear a helmet. Celia looks around at the coffee table laden with treats and asks where the other girls are. Pam says they're not coming; they've all bonded with Dana from their "stripper fitness" class, which Pam's husband won't let her take because he thinks it'll make her turn "lesbo," like when she took folk guitar. Anyway, at this point Dean enters with Isabelle, informing Celia that Doug knows she's running against him. Celia doesn't care. Dean adds that he told Doug he couldn't manage Doug's campaign. Celia doesn't know why not, and Dean says he thought he'd be Celia's campaign manager, but before they can get into it, Doug storms in, on a tear, saying that city council is his thing. Celia won't back down, and when Dean presses Celia to say straight out why she doesn't want him to manage her campaign, Celia condescends, "I want to win." "Fuck you," says Dean. Celia reminds him that there's a child present. "Don't call me a child!" rages Doug. Heh. Isabelle says she thinks Celia probably meant her. Dean says he'd be honoured to be Doug's campaign manager. Doug: "We'll see." Celia asks them to take "this little pussy party" elsewhere so that she and Pam can work. Well, so that she can work, anyway. Isabelle calls Celia on her pottymouth, to which Celia has no rejoinder but a dirty look. Pam: "How about 'Celia Hodes: Making Friends'?" No more of a lie than most other political slogans.
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Nancy's. She rallies the troops for family dinner. Silas tries to weasel out of it, but Nancy's not having it: "We're gonna be a family if I have to kill all of you!"
Turns out family dinner is takeout fried chicken. Nancy catches up with her boys. Shane got a B on his French test. "Trés bien," says Nancy. Silas is less forthcoming. Andy reports that he's writing an essay on what it means to be a Jew, for consideration as a rabbinical student, though all he's been able to come up with so far is his lack of a foreskin and the possibility that he could be a Tay-Sachs carrier. The phone rings, and when Silas looks to Nancy, she curtly informs him that they won't be taking any calls during family dinner. Somehow, the Botwins are the last family in North America to have an answering machine instead of voicemail, which is how we can hear Sanjay leaving Nancy a message informing her that the bakery is on fire.
So, it seems that a lit cigarette hit a gas line, which a firefighter informs Nancy was straight-up "negligence and stupidity." Trying to keep a lid on the giddy, Nancy calmly asks whether insurance covers an employee's negligence and stupidity, and is informed that she'll have to check with her carrier. She watches Sangjay getting oxygen; he briefly pulls the mask away to smile at her. Andy notes that she's probably covered, and starts singing, "There's no business like grow business." Yeah, Nancy? Maybe you should wait to grin until AFTER you have left the crime scene?
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