Shane's been taking quite an interest in news reports that a cougar is loose in Agrestic. And speaking of Celia (OH!), she's been emotionally abusing Isabelle about her weight.
Nancy pops in on Doug's office with some product to sell, but he says he's full up. And why? Because now he's been introduced to the wonderful world of medical marijuana, and his desk is full to brimming with not just regular weed, but cool shit like pot lollipops, one of which he's sucking on right now. Doug, because he's Doug, is either oblivious to the ill-affects this bodes for Nancy's business or just insensitive to it, because all he can do is enthuse about "the genius of Prop 215" and how the weed store he goes to is "like Amsterdam, only better because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff." Doug says you're limited to 8 ounces per visit, and Nancy, ever the mathlete, clarifies for the stupid and/or baked among us that that's half a pound. She asks if Doug is fucking with her (he's not) and then demands the address of this pot paradise.
Said pot paradise is named "Bodhi Sativa," which: awesome, and looks like a combination bakery and botanical gardens. Nancy is welcomed by "Craig X," who looks exactly like the human version of when Jeff Goldblum voiced Try McClure's agent on The Simpsons. The guy who plays Craig X is actually the real-life Craig X, who operates a medical marijuana club and is the show's weed consultant. Thanks, DVD commentaries! Nancy tells him she's "new to this" and he gives her the grand tour, showing her the big board that lists all the strains and prices, the various cloned plants they have available, and of course the vast array of edibles. Nancy goggles at all this new information, and we realize that while she's been dealing weed, she kind of doesn't know shit about it. As Craig's giving his tour, he hilariously schmoozes with the clientele, asking after their various ailments (anxiety, depression, one twentysomething skater punk is suffering from arthritis, the poor kid). Doug shows up, because he just couldn't stay away, and asks if there's any more of the "Stephen Hawking," thus named because you'll need to get wheeled out once you've smoked it. Heh.
Cut to Nancy in Heylia's kitchen, slamming a baggie on the table and accusing Heylia of selling her shit. "Skank weed." Nancy says she can't move it and she wants a refund. Heylia wants an ass like Beyoncé's -- that ain't happening either. Nancy tells them all about the weed store, which she calls the "Whole Foods of pot," and asks how she's supposed to compete with that. Heylia says, "When you figure it out, let me know," and Vaneeta says it's set their business off 17%. "What's the world comin' to when they legalize weed?" carps Heylia, over her knitting. "Ain't no goddamn morals left." Nancy produces a list of name-brand, high-end shit, and says she wants everything on that list. Vaneeta looks at it and says they can get her the first two, but the third strain sold out quick. Nancy can't believe Heylia's been sitting on the good stuff and selling Nancy the "schoolyard crap," but Heylia says Nancy never knew enough to ask for the good stuff, and you get what you ask for. Of course, "serious shit calls for serious cash," so Nancy gets far less bang for her buck this way, which poses yet another problem. "You can use that skank to cook with," suggests Conrad, who's been slow-cooking something on the stove this whole time. Heylia rolls her eyes at Conrad helping out the white lady, while Nancy's like, "Then it is skank!" Dude, they already admitted it was. Deal. (Get it??)
Hodes House. Celia's spraying for bugs in Isabelle's room when she discovers the reason why she has to spray for bugs: a bag of candy hidden underneath her daughter's pillow. Okay, that is kind of gross, but if Celia wasn't so Sugar Nazi about it, Isabelle probably wouldn't have a food hoarding complex. Anyway, Celia's solution is to replace Isabelle's chocolate with chocolate laxative. As you do. Elsewhere, Shane thaws out a giant steak and slaps it down on the back patio while he sits watch with his air rifle and waits for the cougar to take the bait. Weird little fucker.
Meanwhile, Silas is at some abandoned-looking house where the wayward youth of Agrestic come to drink and smoke and debauch. He's talking to one of his drunk-ass buddies who's slurring about some web site that teaches girls how to give head. Yeah, but it's the internet, so there's like a 65% chance that these girls are getting erroneous information. For reliable blowjob information, girls (and boys, let's not forget) should go to primary sources, like peer-reviewed journal articles and Sue Johanson. Anyway, on the subject of deep-throating, Silas is like, "Yeah, Deaf Megan can do that." We're treated to another anecdote about the estimable Dennis Cling, who says Megan's mouth is like a Dirt Devil. When Silas gets up to find more coherent company he comes across Deaf Megan herself in the room. She's got a can of spray paint and is correcting some graffiti that reads "Megan Gives Good Head." She's crossing out "good" and substituting "great." Someone has good self-esteem! Silas fucks with her behind her back for a second before she turns around and gives him an annoyed look. He keeps blocking her path to leave so finally she gives him a look like, "Seriously?" And it's Silas, and "horndoggy" is his default expression (when it's not "pissy," that is), so she licks her lips and drops to her knees. Silas unzips his pants and closes his eyes...and Megan spray-paints his crotch. Not a euphemism. Silas hurriedly buttons up, as Megan gives him the finger, and he calls her a "crazy bitch" and runs off.
Nancy's at home, cooking up some THC baked goods while Conrad talks her through it on the phone. He exposits that this represents another level in Nancy's dealing: bigger buys mean bigger risks. Nancy, as usual, brushes off the danger of this whole enterprise. Conrad wants to know how Nancy's holding up, and Nancy still seems oblivious to Conrad's affections, despite the fact that you can practically see the puppy-dog eyes through the phone. She says the cake she's baking smells amazing, which Conrad says means she needs to get it out of the oven. Now or it'll burn!! Hee, I love Conrad's sense of urgency over the baked goods. Nancy throws the phone down and takes the cake pan out of the oven with her bare hands while we hear a pop-pop-pop from outside. Nancy's seeing to her burned fingers when Shane rushes in and says, "I did it! I shot the mountain lion!" She's like, "That's nice, off to bed!" and frantically runs around the kitchen as the popcorn overflows on the stovetop. Silas takes advantage of the distraction to sneak in through the front door.
Agrestic Elementary. Isabelle is in art class when her stomach starts gurgling a-fiercely. She raises her hand and asks for permission to use the bathroom (oh, the indignities of childhood), but the teacher tells her to wait until another boy comes back. Isabelle begs to be able to go now, and the teacher acquiesces, but Isabelle only makes it halfway across the classroom before squeaky, farty sounds tell us she's too late. Squeaky, farty sounds are never an indication of anything positive.
Botwin Estates. Lupita is doing the laundry when she comes across Silas's spray-painted underwear. This intercuts with scenes of Silas at school, unable to keep from staring at Megan, who doesn't look at him. Back home, Lupita can't get the giant blue crotch-stain out, so she tries spray-cleanser. Silas ogles Megan. Lupita tries a scrub brush. Silas ogles Megan, who finally catches him staring and flirtily approaches him with A Look and a finger-wave. Silas gets home and Lupita hands him the still-stained boxer shorts with an exasperated "I try."
Hodes House. Isabelle is lying in bed, miserable, while Dean tries to tell her that these things happen sometimes, and while it's horribly embarrassing now, it'll make for a funny story later. Not even Dean thinks that's all that comforting a thought, but he's trying at least. Isabelle, who's lying down with her back to her dad and is very well still in shock, goes, "I had to throw my underpants into the woods. They call me Shit Girl now." On the list of the many, many reasons I love Isabelle is the way she delivers those lines. She's not wailing and crying -- she just has this bemused expression, like "Shit Girl? I'm Shit Girl, now?" Over in Celia and Dean's bedroom, Celia says Isabelle got sick because she was a "little piggy," and she matter-of-factly confesses to switching out the chocolate for laxatives. She says she didn't mean for the diarrhea explosion to happen, she was just hoping for some "nice loose doodies." Dean flips out on her, as you might expect, and says she should be arrested for child abuse. Celia argues that "Shit Girl" is better than "Fat Girl," and she merely wants to shield Isabelle from the terrible and disadvantaged life of a fatty-fat-fatty. Dean grabs his blanket and pillow to go sleep elsewhere. "I hope our children survive you," is his disgusted exit line. From her bedroom, where she can hear everything, Isabelle's face screws up into a furious mask of impending vengeance. thing you know, she's switching out Mom's TrimSpa for Imodium, which at least puts a smile back on her face.
Celia shows up at Nancy's with a bee in her bonnet about the mountain lion. She's had fliers printed up about what to do if you encounter the cougar, which Nancy reads aloud: "Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Nancy asks if these aren't instructions for dating a mountain lion. Nancy's got baking to do, so she tries to gently hint Celia out the door, but Celia's abrupt change of topic is just too interesting; Celia's thinking about having sex with another woman. She wonders aloud whether she was supposed to be a "dyke" but just missed her calling. "The truth is," she says, "I really want to fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing." Nancy makes the sage point that subbing out a cock for a vagina isn't going to necessarily be an improvement for her. Celia agrees, saying vaginas skeeve her out. The conversations one gets into with Miss Celia Hodes, I swear. "Speaking of pussy," Celia segues (love her!), "somebody killed the Alderman's cat." She figures it was just one of the neighborhood kids, at which point Nancy's face registers that she's remembering Shane's claim that he shot the mountain lion last night. Nancy covers for herself by lying that she thinks one of Silas's friends did it. Celia urges Nancy to tell the kid's parents, because we all know how killing animals as a child leads to dismembering people and wearing their faces. Nancy, now double-concerned, tries physically pushing Celia out the door, but Celia wants an answer to her original question: has Nancy ever done it with another woman? Nancy admits she did, once, in college, and it was "boring." Celia says maybe she wasn't doing it right, but Nancy says the other girl said is was the best she'd ever had. "Well what are you doing Friday night," asks Celia with a hilarious head tilt.
Later on, Nancy shows up at Doug's poker night to make her pitch. She's got brownies and cookies and popcorn balls all loaded up with THC (which won't clog up their lungs or stink up their clothing, she says), plus some of that high-end smokable weed for the old-schoolers. She's even brought samples! Her pitch is this: Nancy's got what they like and she brings it right to them, without them having to schlep into the city, and without the pot clubs Xeroxing their driver's licenses and putting them in a state data bank, where they'd be a registered weed fiend for all (particularly ex-wives) to see. Doug practically does a spit take at that last part, and Dean's been salivating over Nancy's sweets for the last five minutes, so needless to say, Nancy's back in business.
Back at the neighborhood flop-house, Megan is surveying the wall where her head-giving skills were given such a ringing endorsement, and she sees that to it, someone has spray-painted "I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I fucked a Smurf." Okay, Silas, that was cute. As cute as an apology for expecting blowjobs-on-demand from a near-stranger can be, anyway. Megan sees him sitting on the floor to his graffiti confession and she hunkers on down to him and gives him a sweet smile.
Back in the Botwin kitchen, Nancy's getting ready to bake again, but Lupita remarks that her butter doesn't look right. It's sage, Nancy says, but Lupita doesn't think it smells like sage. Nancy says her menopause must be messing with her sense of smell. "I don't smell with my coochie," smirks Lupita. Thanks to Charo, we know how funny the word "coochie" sound with a Hispanic accent. Shane comes in and goes for a taste of the cookie batter, but Nancy yelps something about salmonella and eats the goo off his finger. She then asks him if the "mountain lion" he shot was perhaps wearing a collar and meowing and maybe answered to the name "the Alderman's cat." Shane insists he shot the mountain lion, because it's what his dad would have done. Nancy's no match for that and she pulls Shane into a hug. Shane's a boy, so he looks uncomfortable and struggles a bit as his mom kisses his head and tells him she wants the BB gun. She'll be protecting the family for now.
Celia's at her vanity mirror poking around at her overstuffed belly and feeling fat. She tells Dean she hasn't shit in three days. Dean happily suggests this is karma for what she did to Isabelle, and in a manner of speaking he's right. Celia thinks he's full of it, though. Dean says, "Fine, shit on my theory. Oh wait, you can't!" Hee.
Heylia's. Nancy's got a fat wad of cash, which she says takes care of last week's buy, this week's buy, her ring, and her Range Rover. Heylia counts the money while Vaneeta says Nancy's impressed her. She thought for sure she'd end up broke, in a trailer park, and "having to score SAG cards for your kids to put food on the table." Conrad seems especially proud of Nancy, who gets up and asks for her car keys. Heylia tells her the money she gave only covers the weed and the rings; if she wants out of here with this week's buy, she'll have to leave the car again. "It's the strange or the range," she says. Nancy hesitates a second before snatching the weed. Heylia smirks, "Don't let the door hit your cute little ass on the way out." Nancy turns around, a mischievous glint in her eye, and loudly thanks Conrad for the cornbread recipe that helped save her "cute little ass" this week. She leaves and Conrad starts stammering to Heylia, who starts yelling: "You gave her my cornbread recipe and she put weed in it? YOU DON'T PUT WEED IN MY CORNBREAD!" She gets up out of her seat and chases Conrad around the table with a shoe in her hand. If this show didn't also cast white people in a terrible light, I'd feel guilty about laughing at all of this. Flavor of Love crisis averted!
Time lapse footage of Celia on the can as the soundtrack ("I can't move...") tells the story for us. Frustrated, Celia lets out a scream. Smiling in her bed, Isabelle utters "Bitch!" and takes a bite of her chocolate.
Back at the Botwins', the family and Lupita are watching TV. Nancy glances out the window, where she sees the mountain lion saunter its way across the backyard. It turns to face Nancy, and she sees a bloody wound on its face, below its left eye, before it moves along. Nancy instinctively wraps Shane up and pulls him close to her. I wonder of there's any thematic connection between the mother and the lion? Hmm.