Previously on Weeds: an unaired scene wherein Nancy says she's thinking of running a bakery as a cover business. It makes sense, considering the success she saw after infusing sweet treats with Mary Jane. Also, Megan the Deaf Girl liked to give blow jobs, or so everyone around town heard.
We begin this beautiful Agrestic morning with Celia, awake in bed and staring at a sleeping Dean and his giant boner that's thankfully covered by a sheet. She pokes it a couple times, looking like that's as close to touching it as she'd like to get. Elsewhere, Nancy's woken from her slumber by the sound of the smoke alarm. She and the boys hurry downstairs to find a man cooking breakfast, and doing a rather shitty job of it, what with all the smoke. This would be Andy, Nancy's brother-in-law (Judah's brother) and the guy who, you'll remember, introduced Nancy to Conrad and the pot business to begin with. Andy's played by Justin Kirk, and while I'd be thrilled with the reunion of any of the Angels In America cast, seeing him and Mary-Louise Parker together again is especially fantastic. Anyway, the boys are jazzed to see Andy and they ask him about Alaska and he says it was awesome, save this one psycho chick who tried to bring him up on charges. And I laugh and laugh and count off the number of episodes until Kat shows up. He apologizes for the grease fire and calls Nancy "Pants," which she tells him not to do. Lupita walks in and is all, "Oh, shit. You?" Andy leers that he has enough love for the both of them. He brings gifts for the boys. He got a PSP for Silas, which is hot off the streets, literally. He gets a "neck massager" (ahem) for Nancy, and when she gives him the "inappropriate!" eyes, Lupita whispers "take it." And she does. Lupita says she'll put it in the bedroom "to the little one." Hee. He got Shane some nunchucks, which immediately cause Nancy to freak out. It takes about two seconds for Shane to break something with them, so it's not like she's being unreasonable. Nancy pulls Andy aside and asks how long he plans on staying. Oh, just until he figures his life out. Not a second longer than that.
Later on, Andy comes upon Silas IMing with Megan, who is now his girlfriend. Andy praises Silas's wisdom in going for "slightly defective chicks." He says he once went out with a girl who had a "baby arm," and she was dynamite in bed, "plus, when she grabbed my dick with her little hand, it looked gigantic." Oh, Andy. You lovable scumbag. Shane walks in with a t-shirt with a stick figure of Jesus on the cross that reads "Chris Died For Your Sins." Silas laughs and asks if it's a joke, but Andy says it was actually a typo; he'd wanted to sell a line of faith-based t-shirts to cash in on the Passion of the Christ craze, but "Christ" got misspelled. What he ended up with was totally useless because, as he says, the Jesus freaks have no sense of humor. "I should have gone after the Jew market," he says. "At least we can take a joke."
Heylia's. Nancy's early, so Heylia's in her bathrobe cooking oatmeal. Nancy mentions that Andy made breakfast, and Heylia asks when "that fancy-cooking trouble" got into town. Nancy says she just woke up and there he was. "Like crotch crabs, only not as treatable," says Heylia. In case you hadn't noticed, Heylia's no fan of Andy's. Vaneeta exposits that Conrad and Andy worked at Circuit City together, got caught stealing together, and got fired together. Vaneeta also says they haven't gotten everything Nancy ordered yet, so she'll have to come back later. Nancy's got a bajillion orders to fill -- her buyers like to eat their smoke -- and with Andy cluttering up the kitchen besides, she moans that she's screwed. Heylia writes down the phone number of someone who can help Nancy out: The Candyman. Heylia and Vaneeta start giggling, and Vaneeta suggests Nancy "wear sporty shoes."
Nancy meets with Doug at the local Indian place ("Love Me Tandoor" -- hee). It's empty, except for them, and Doug bemoans the fact that people would rather eat at crap places like The Olive Garden instead. Okay, this Olive Garden bashing in the media has got to stop, people. I'm serious. Nancy says she really likes the creamy artichoke dip. See? Thank you, Nancy. Anyway, Doug's brought Nancy here because it would make a fine location for her front bakery.
Back home, Andy's smoking in Silas's room when Megan's IM window pops up. She's home with a sore throat. And like a total scumbag, Andy starts typing, as Silas, and tells her to take off her clothes. Oy. Lupita walks comes upon him jerking off (with the door open), gets grossed out, throws the phone at his junk, and blesses herself. The phone call is from Shane, who gets Andy to come down to his school and start selling the Chris t-shirts, which are a big hit. Shane spots the principal rumbling towards Andy's van, so Andy makes a quick getaway, throwing Shane to the wolves.
Cut to an emergency meeting of the Agrestic Gossipy Bitches Local 314, and they are so not amused by this blasphemous portrayal of Our Lord and Savior. Celia is conspicuously absent from the proceedings, but Nancy's there and of course she's the only one who thinks the shirts are funny. More importantly, she says it's not a big deal unless they make it one, at which point the t-shirts will become a full-blown trend. The women predictably give Nancy the stink-eye and wax sanctimonious about how you don't mock the Lord. The principal walks into the classroom with Shane by the collar, at which point Nancy realizes he was the one selling them. "I'll never talk!" vows Shane.
Nancy comes home, furious at Andy, and says they wanted to suspend Shane. Andy's like, "If the kid wants to believe in Chris, hey, that's freedom of religion, man." Scumbag's got a point, Nance. Nancy fumes about how she had to kiss some major principal ass to keep Shane out of trouble, not to mention the shit she's going to take from the "hypo-Christian" moms around town. Andy lies that he was only trying to pitch in to help the family, though he's not prepared when Nancy asks to see said helpful money. Andy's saved because Nancy gets a phone call from the Candyman.
thing we know, Nancy's walking gingerly around what looks to be an industrial kitchen with sweets brewing and bubbling all around her. Spooky beeps-and-whistles body-snatchers music plays, like Nancy's just boarded the Mother Ship, and she turns around to find Jane Lynch standing in the doorway. Jane's the Candyman, ironically enough, and the first thing she does is ask Nancy if she exercises. Because the Candyman won't sell to anyone who hasn't made a commitment to physical fitness. Quick-thinking Nancy's like, "You sell to Heylia, don't you?" Jane (I can't have a whole paragraph of "The Candyman does this and that"; it looks like I'm reviewing the Virginia Madsen film collection) replies, "Heylia's a lazy fat-fat, and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her." This is vintage Jane Lynch -- officious, hardcore, and utterly preposterous. Jane calls Nancy "skinny fat," and when Nancy's flip about getting into shape, Jane says she herself used to weigh 314 pounds. Nancy sounds, I think, legitimately impressed. Nancy says she's not buying for herself and manages to whip up a quick rationalization that giving her customers edibles rather than smokables will keep their lungs clean "should they decide to exercise." This is apparently good enough for Jane, and Nancy asks for everything she's got in stock. "And?" asks Jane. "And I will make a greater effort to exercise," Nancy pledges. Jane: "No, no, no." Nancy: "And I will exercise." Jane: "Yes. You. Will."
Heylia's. Conrad and Andy reconnect by way of hugging it out. Heylia couldn't be more over it, passing through the frame every 30 seconds or so to make some sarcastic comment or another. They catch up with each other: Andy's been in Alaska, Conrad's taken up Pilates. Andy asks Conrad if he can hook him up with a little, and before Conrad can even reply, Heylia drops Nancy's pick-up on the kitchen table. Andy doesn't know what he's done to deserve such a bounty, and when Heylia asks for the money, he of course doesn't have it. "Great," huffs Heylia. "Lady Saltine sends her errand boy over with no scratch." Andy's not so slow on the uptake, and he pieces together the fact that Nancy's now dealing fairly quickly. He can't suppress a giggle at this idea, but he also looks mad impressed. He uses the t-shirt money to pay for the rest of Nancy's stash
Back home, Andy teaches Shane how to use the nunchucks, instructing him on the "Dong Hai defense." How's that one work, again? "You protect your dong and swing like your life depended on it." Andy locks onto his crotch and twirls the 'chucks over his head like he's Michael Jackson at a rodeo, which is fitting because Silas busts into the kitchen with an "I need to talk to you, you fucking perv." Andy asks if "that loony chick from Alaska" called (not soon enough), but Silas is talking about that little thing where he e-molested Silas's girlfriend. Andy bullshits that he did that all for Silas, to teach him a lesson: just because she's handicapped doesn't mean Silas shouldn't be all up on that. Seriously, that's the lesson. And hey, Confucius, thanks and all, but Megan was the Blowjob Queen two episodes before we ever met her, so I'm not sure we needed that "lesson." Anyhoo, Andy wins me back by confirming to Shane the correct crotch-grip you need to swing those nunchucks.
Nancy comes home and immediately is all over Andy after overhearing the cyber-sex stuff. She yells at him that she wants him gone, tonight. Andy's all, "But I was just cooking dinner and I got some great recipes at my friend Conrad's joint earlier." The double entendres come fast and furious from Andy while Nancy barely avoids pummeling him: Pot roast, corned beef hash, baked ziti, and spaghetti marijuana marinara. Nancy shoves him out to the back patio and wants to know what he did. He explains what happened at Heylia's earlier, giggling non-stop at the weirdness of Nancy's new profession. Nancy's fully pissed now and demands to know where her stuff is. Andy, finally getting serious, tells her it's safe. Nancy kind of curls up into a ball on the ground, lamenting Andy's newfound involvement in her double life. "Everything you touch turns to shit," she accuses. Andy says he's family. Nancy smiles and gives that half-laugh, half-sob thing she does sometimes and says she really wants him to leave. Andy recognizes that Nancy's in over her head and says, "You need some help, Nancy Pants." Nancy finally tells him not to call her "Pants" -- that was Judah's name for her, not his. "Whatever you think about me," says Andy, "Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back." He says he's going to go inside and make dinner for the family. "I'm making stoned crabs -- sorry, I had to get that one out. I was working on them all the way home." Nancy comes oh so close to a smile on that last one.
For whatever reason, the Agrestic Flophouse is empty tonight except for Silas and Megan. They toast on cheap wine in plastic cups and then he uses his Sidekick to type seductive messages to her like "take it off."
Intercutting montage: Celia, looking like shit, stares at herself in the bathroom mirror. Nancy lies awake in bed, worried like hell. Andy's asleep in the couch with a plush stuffed frog for company (hee). Silas kisses Megan sweetly as they lie on their air mattress. And while Celia draws a face on the mirror in lipstick, and a small plane flies overhead, a crate of cola bottles crashes through the roof of the Hodes' master bedroom. Dean awakens to find streaming jets of fizzing cola soaking his bed. Celia, from the bathroom doorway, monotones, "I have cancer."
Dude. Like cancer stands a chance.