Isabelle's taking her dance class -- where they appear to be learning a number from Cabaret or something similarly sexy-beyond-their-years. Looking in, the Gossipy Bitches Of Agrestic talk about Celia's husband and the tennis pro, not knowing Celia's, like, three feet behind them. Nancy's there for Shane's karate class and she essentially tells the women to consider who their own husbands are fucking before they get catty about other people. Dance class lets out and the bitches disperse. Isabelle's shocked Celia's picking her up herself, and Celia tells her that Blanca, their cleaning lady or nanny or whoever usually picks Isabelle up, is busy driving Quinn to the airport -- she's going to boarding school in Mexico. Nancy looks guilty, though whether it's for the part Silas played in Quinn's going to seed or the fact that she has to covertly slip Shane's karate instructor some bud is unknown. Shane tells Nancy that the check for his registration fee bounced, and Nancy tries to get him to shut up about her money troubles while Celia's within earshot.
Later on, Nancy happens by Doug's office, where we learn that not only is he her city councilman and one of her best customers, he's also her accountant. Doug wears many hats. No doubt one of them says "Breast Examiner." Doug's worried that she's dry, but Nancy says she's broke (Doug: "Thank God"). Upon his advice, Nancy hasn't been depositing anything in her checking account, to keep from creating a paper trail of ill-gotten gains, so she's been running around town paying her bills with cash. Doug suggests letting Lupita go, but Nancy says Lupita's family. Besides, as she says, "I started selling so I could maintain my lifestyle, not dismantle it." Which brings me to one of my favorite aspects of this show: Nancy's not dealing weed to put food on the table. She's dealing weed to put food on a table that she pays someone else to clean. Nothing's simple. Nothing's heroic. Anyway, Doug's solution is to sell more, which is a typically Doug solution. Nancy's not all that psyched about it (despite the "Buy low, sell high" slogan he offers her -- get it? Sell high!), so Doug goes for Plan B. He's been working on ways for her to set up a small business through which she can launder her money. Nancy's intrigued by this idea of a legitimate small business, particularly if this legitimate small business can one day become her actual business. Doug, as usual, lets her down easy: "In this country, small business is fucked." It's cool hearing that line with two seasons worth of hindsight. Nice foreshadowing, Jenji Kohan. Nancy thinks she's screwed, but Doug says it'll be fine, just pick out a front business with low inventory.
That night, Nancy's sitting in her living room with a fat stack of cash that's getting less and less fat as she portions it out for bills. Silas comes downstairs to bitch about the phone service getting cut off; Nancy fronts like she's going to go pay it online (by, what, shoving a $50 bill into the DVD drive?), but she can't even do that because the DSL hooks up through the phone. She gives Silas $50 to not give her any grief about this, which even I could have told her was wasted money. Once he hears that Quinn has been shipped off to Mexico, or so Nancy says she overheard, Silas starts bratting that she was probably trying to call him and this whole family is bullshit! He crumples up the cash Nancy just gave him, calls her a "fuckin' mess," and storms off. Hey, she's not the one falling to pieces over goddamn Quinn, of all people. Lupita shows up and tells Nancy she thinks she has the menopause, oh, and also, she never got paid last week. Nancy tries to shake her off by asking if she's mistaken, but Lupita's sure. Nancy holds up her shoebox of cash and Lupita clears out the last of it.
Elsewhere, Shane's up on the roof, watching a tape he made of his dad on his video camera, and oh, is it ever sad. In the video, Shane's bugging Judah about birthday presents and breakfast and whatnot, and then he asks if Judah thinks he's weird. Judah's like, "You're totally weird, but you're awesome." Shane keeps replaying the part where Judah calls him "the amazing, unbelievable Shane Botwin." Sad!
Hodes House. Celia and Dean are getting ready for bed in front of their twin bathroom mirrors. It's taking everything Celia has not to stab him in the heart. She does take special notice of Dean examining his own hairline, and when he obliviously asks her if it'd be safe to take two Ambien, she suggests he take the whole bottle. He gets this perfect "what's up your ass?" look on his face, which: it's no fair to make a tennis racket joke if I set myself up, but knock yourselves out. After Dean heads off to bed, Celia sneaks a cigarette, paces, and finally grabs the hair-clippers and gets to working. Cut to the breakfast table where Isabelle is staring out the corners of her eyes at her dad's freshly-shaved head. "Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?" she asks. Dean angrily puts a hat on.
Agrestic High. (School.) Celia's on a ladder trying to staple a poster to the wall while Silas whinily bitches at her to tell him where Quinn is. Silas actually uses the phrase "threatened by your daughter's sexuality," which makes it doubly satisfying when Celia informs him, in order, that 1) this is the first she's heard of their having sex, 2) Quinn got shipped off for reasons having nothing to do with Silas or her sexuality, 3) no, she doesn't have to explain to Silas what those reasons are, and 4) Quinn had a day and a half before she left for "Casa Reforma," and during that time, she downloaded 2,000 songs to her iPod and dyed her hair pink, but she didn't once think to get in touch with Silas. Celia, be my friend! "The only person Quinn cares about is Quinn," Celia says, darkly. "She takes after her father that way."
Heylia's. The black folk are playing dominos while the white lady struggles to keep up with the slang and Conrad shops for rims on eBay. Nancy gingerly asks Heylia what her policy is regarding weed on credit. "This ain't fuckin' Macy's" seems like a solid enough policy to me. She says Nancy will have to leave some collateral. Vaneeta covets Nancy's shoes, and Heylia makes a failed bid for Nancy's wedding ring (a bid she retracts after giving it a second's thought) before deciding on Nancy's Range Rover. They tell her she can drive Conrad's bucket home. Cue the "white lady in a hoopty" jokes! Nancy does drive it home, and she draws some looks as she does.
Nancy hooks up the guys at Doug's poker game and smirks at Dean's bald head as she leaves. In the parking lot, she finds Celia spying on the building from her car. Nancy covers by saying she had to have Doug sign some papers for her, and she confirms that Dean was up there, playing poker. So now Celia's annoyed that Dean will come home "broke and stinking of marijuana," which she supposes is a better scent than "Oriental pussy." Nancy feigns ignorance but Celia tells her to drop it: "There are no secrets in this town." Nancy hides a smirk as says maybe there are a few. Celia's adamant that there are none. "You're having money problems, our children had sex, Judy Gordon orders Oxycontin over the internet and has developed quite a habit." "Jesus Loves You Judy?" asks Nancy, shocked. "Jesus Loves You Judy loves her hillbilly heroin," says Celia. "But you didn't hear that from me, I don't like gossip." I had to quote that whole exchange because that hillbilly heroin line is one of my favorites from the series. Nancy has to pretend she doesn't know where her car is rather than get in the hoopty in front of Celia, who eventually heads home to watch The Shield. She loves that Michael Chiklis.
Nancy returns home to find Silas pouting over Quinn in silence and Shane back up on the roof watching Dad TV. Silas doesn't want to talk about it, but he says everyone in his life ends up leaving him, and since he's talking about his dead dad, I won't even characterize that statement as a whine. Outside, there's a thud and a cry from Shane, who's fallen off the roof and busted his arm. At the hospital, Nancy has to pay with cash while a crazy old man harangues her about stealing a goat. Then he starts to mock Shane for crying about his arm, so Nancy has to threaten to shove that goat up his crazy ass. That was...random.
At Heylia's, Nancy apologizes for being light after having to pay Shane's hospital bill out of the money she owes. Heylia says she's sorry to hear that, but she also wants her money, and if Nancy wants more product, she's leaving the ring this time. Nancy protests but Heylia won't hear it. Nancy then changes the subject and asks what Heylia's front is. Heylia says she is the proud owner of a housecleaning business, and Conrad, Vaneeta, and Keeyon are her employees. Nancy asks what happens if anyone calls who really needs cleaning, and Heylia says she refers those to her cousin Zondra. "She don't make shit, but she's found the Lord so she don't care." I want Heylia James to tell me about things at various intervals throughout the day. Her sass is comforting. I'm not sure what it is about Heylia's cousin Zondra that convinces Nancy to take off her ring and leave it, but so she does. Heylia hands her a big ol' bag full and goes to admire the ring. Vaneeta asks how much she thinks they could get for it, and Heylia snaps at her they they won't be selling it. "She'll be back."
Back in Agrestic, Celia has managed to track down Dean's tennis pro, who at least has the grace to look scared out of her mind. "We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk," she suggests. Celia assures her that she's a mean drunk. Cut to the bar, where Celia's proving herself to be truthful. Tennis Pro (that seems to be how they're crediting her) doesn't seem all that wary about describing hers and Dean's sex life in detail, though. Don't make the mistake of thinking Celia's reflexes are dulled, girlie. Celia calls him a "piece of shit," but says she won't divorce him, mostly for status-maintaining reasons that now sound similar to Nancy's. She then laments what Tennis Pro could have done that she didn't do; she did it all -- role playing, costumes, "I bought a fucking swing, okay?" Right, but you did see the video, right Celia? I think the places this girl went that you didn't were spelled out pretty clearly, no? Then there's some talk about Men and Why They Cheat, and that bores me a little. It's better when Celia just calls Dean a "Mid-Level Asshole" and herself "Mrs. Mid-Level Asshole." The she calls Tennis Pro a big whore to her face, but follows it up by saying she's a good listener. Celia orders another round.
Nancy's driving the hoopty home from Heylia's when Celia pulls up to her at the red light. Celia is fuckin' tanked, swooning in her seat with her shades on the tip of her nose. She calls to Nancy and asks where her ring is. No mention of the Range Rover. Nancy says the ring is in the shop, and Celia says she hopes they can fix it.
Home. Nancy's drinking wine out on the patio when she spots Shane's camera. She picks it up and plays some of the video with Judah on it, and before she even thinks about it, she smashes the camera against the wall. Shane comes outside soon after and asks what happened to the camera. Nancy lies that it got broke when he fell, which is weak considering the odds are he's only outside because he heard the noise just now. Shane displays his instincts for going along with Mom's lies and simply retrieves the tape.
Hodes House. It's the same bathroom setup as it was last time, only this time Celia offers Dean an Ambien and he refuses, scared of what she's going to do. You can see the hair plug marks on Dean's head now, which explains why he was poking at his hairline the night before. Celia takes the Ambien herself and heads to bed.
Back at the Botwins', we see Shane and his taped-together video camera, watching more Dad TV. This way, Judah gets to tell him "goodnight" before bed. Damn you, Weeds! Quit pushing the sad!