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Okay, first she's a girl at Comic-Con. Then she's a hooker. Then she's a hooker with a heart of gold. Then she's a scamming hooker with a heart of pyrite. Then she's a hooker with a heart of gold again. Then she's a pole dancer. I swear, this plot switched back on itself so many times I didn't know which end was up. I comforted myself with the thought that hookers probably have the same problem. So, Max comes to Veronica with a request to find a Geekette he met at Comic-Con, but it turns out that she was just a hooker his roommates hired and coached to be the Geekette of his dreams. No matter: Max still wants her found, so after slogging through all the Battlestar Galactica references, Veronica finds her. They're in love -- real love it would appear -- all over Logan's couch until one of hooker Chelsea/Wendy/Fiona's sister-hookers shows up all bruised and whiny. Cheliondy needs to come back to the hooker fold to keep the bruising and whininess at bay. God, long story short: Veronica discovers that the bruising was fake, but in the end, Cheliondy does have a heart of gold, and Max pays $10,000 to get her out of hooker hock. They're happy for all of five minutes until Max is faced with the reality of Cheliondy's past, which...he already knew? But now he can't seem to stomach it? They split, and Cheliondy goes back to a pole-dancing gig. Meanwhile, Keith is sort of making headway on Dean Ed Begley's murder by dressing up and going bad cop on the Lillith Triumverate. He manages to squeeze out an admission that they egged the Dean's office the night he was killed, and gets Nish to own up to egging the Dean's Volvo. The thing is, the Dean wasn't driving the Volvo that night, but his wife was. In Love Bird news, Veronica and Logan are barely back together before Veronica starts asking searching questions that every healthy couple should discuss: "Have you ever been with a hooker?" "Were you with anyone in Mexico that night Mercer raped someone?" "Did you hook up with anyone when we were separated?" Logan answers "no" to the first two but cops to one assignation he feels gross about. Veronica gets over this brief disturbance in the Logan Force, but is back to being in the throes of the Dark Side when Madison pops up to tell her that she and Logan hooked up in Aspen over the holidays. Why Veronica suddenly decides look upon Madison as a bastion of truthiness will have to remain a mystery to me until week. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
This is a little nervewracking and worrisome; I've never recapped a really smart show I heartily love and look forward to watching every week. Usually, I am filled to the rim with bile and sarcasm and general disgust, but this time will be different. I hope I can keep you as entertained as Couch Baron does me.
Previously, Dean Ed was egged and shot, after which the Widder Dean Ed asked Keith to investigate Dean Ed's suicide and find it to be a murder. Veronica unconsciously raised Piz's hopes (is that really how it's spelled? All this time I was thinking it was "Pez," like the candy. "Piz" looks too much like "piss") only to dash them by getting back together with Logan.
In the caf, Veronica and Logan have a protracted discussion about whether he's going to eat a single French fry from a pile of many French fries. It ends when Logan proceeds to feed Veronica the fry in question after it has been dipped in ketchup to "make it worth a girl's while." I don't quite get the point of this scenelet unless it's to remind us of just how cute and compatible Logan and Veronica are as a couple before the pit viper of suspicion and mistrust makes a permanent nest in Veronica's heart? Before taking off for Astronomy, Logan drops the recent edition of the campus Lampoon in front of Veronica. The cover and succeeding gatefold read "EGG-ED," and accompany a piece titled,"Multiple eggings beat fear into Lampoon editors." "Don't tell me they actually wrote something funny in there," Weevil cracks, joining Veronica at her table. Veronica tells him that, even better than that, the Lampoon offices got egged the night after Dean Ed reinstated the Greeks. She hands over the issue so that Weevil can take in the grassy-knoll analysis of where the eggings occurred. The graphic is labeled "Huevosnacht!" Ah, like Kristallnacht. A supremely less funny attack. It appears as though three places were egged: the Lampoon offices, the Pi Sig house, and the Randolph Hearst statue. Veronica reminds us that the Lilith House on the Prairie girls are the ones who egged the Pi Sigs. Weevil goes off on how stupid "these people" are, and bitches about Dean Ed getting egged: "Like he's the one who has to clean it up." Do you think Weevil had to clean up the Dean after the whole brain-splatter event? After Veronica calmly notes that the piece doesn't mention the Dean getting egged, Weevil explains that the Dean was egged the same night: "I don't know why they didn't put that in there -- maybe they couldn't find a way to make it funny." Yeah, "Dean egged into suicide" isn't exactly a thigh-slapper. Weevil rubs his head as he muses that the Dean was a good guy, and that it's a "damn shame" he's dead. Veronica has been furrowing silently at Weevil this whole time as the full import of his words sink in.
Sheriff's office. Keith waits semi-patiently as Sacks thumbs through files for him. Finally, Sack hands over a file that "someone" filed under "D." Keith takes the file and starts to amble out, but is stopped by Lamb walking out of his office, his thumbs hitched dorkily in his belt. I think Lamb watches old Westerns every night to get tips on how to be a sheriff. Sacks clears his throat and weakly explains that Keith requested the report on Dean O'Dell's suicide. Ah, now we get the "filed under D." I spend some time imagining an argument between Sacks and Lamb where Sacks tries to file the report under "C" for "Cyrus," but Lamb yells at him that it should go under "D" for "Dean." Lamb snidely reminds Keith that he's not sheriff 'round these here parts anymore, and Keith innocently notes that he's just a concerned citizen. Sacks helpfully backs him up by reminding Lamb that the file is a matter of public record, and points out again, "He filled out the form." Lamb tells Keith that he needs a hobby beyond looking for nonexistent crimes. "Oh, I don't know," says Keith, shaking his head back and forth, his eyes artlessly wide. "I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try some time." "Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on that," Lamb retorts quickly and sarcastically. Hee! Keith, his point hysterically made, gives him a big, happy smile, nods, and leaves. Lamb smiles smugly to himself at Keith's silently retreating back, but then looks puzzled. Here it comes. He works his mouth as though he's repeating what Keith said to him and then -- there it is! -- it dawns on him that Keith has beaten him in a war of words once again. Oh, Lamb, you are such a Joey.
Back on the Hearst campus, Max runs Veronica to ground, who greets him as "Sir Cheats A-Lot" and asks how business is. So booming, apparently, that Max has actually had to hire employees to handle the work. Veronica wonders if Max provides "study guides" for Ethics exams. He does: "The irony has kind of faded over time." Anyway, what Max wants is for Veronica to find the woman he loves before she gets married week. The catch is, Max has no information on her at all. He doesn't know where she is, who she's marrying, or what her phone number or last name are. Max, honey, does she even exist? Max threatens -- or promises? -- to take a bath with his blow dryer if Veronica can't find this girl. Veronica's overly concerned look takes us into the credits.
Sorry, I liked last year's credits better. Then again, I sort of have a theme-song hang-up.
Veronica and Max pedeconference, as she audibly digests this total lack of information. All Max can give Veronica is the chick's first name (Chelsea) and that she's from Poughkeepsie. Veronica: "How do I put this delicately...does she know who you are?" Of course she does. She and Max met at Comic-Con and had one of those all-night, higher-plane kind of talks. In other words, those talks you have in random dorm rooms your very first few weeks of college. Veronica hopes that Max didn't get "all sweaty in [his] Wookiee suit." Max speaks for all Comic-Conners when he notes it's not all Trekkies and Star Wars. Yeah, but who could want anything else? Max, apparently, because he was there for Dave Gibbons's new graphic novel. Veronica then goes on a Battlestar Galactica-laden commentary that does my heart so, so good. Okay, I lied: there is more to life than Trekkies and Star Wars; there's also Cylons and Hiro. (And Jericho, but I am not totally ready to admit to that one.) Max admits that he did drift into the BSG discussion, where he met Chelsea: "And, okay, we did start off talking about how the Cylon raiders on BSG look like Batman's car when it turns into a plane." But it wasn't all starbursts and toasters, because they started sharing things about their crappy relationships with their parents, and Chuck Klosterman, and "moral greyness." "And how when you see a plastic bag flying around you think there's so much beauty in the world, you can't take it?" Veronica half-taunts, encapsulating my thoughts in a much kinder way. Max takes it in stride, and says she gets the picture. Veronica does: "Connection, higher plane -- then you fracked?" Max denies this, saying that what they shared was better than sex. Ooh --caramel-filled Hershey Kisses? Anyway, when Max dropped Chelsea off at the airport, Chelsea said that she left a note by his bed with her contact info. Sadly, by the time Max got back to his room, Housekeeping had been and the note was gone. Even though housekeeping doesn't usually touch stuff that isn't actually in the trash, Max is naïve enough to insist to Veronica that Chelsea really left a note. Then, a few days ago, Chelsea texted Max to say that she had given up on him calling her and was back with her ex and getting married. Max tells Veronica that she's got to stop Chelsea from getting married. Also, when Max tried to call the number back, the guy who answered said he's never heard of Chelsea. Furthermore, Max's roommate mistakenly erased the text message from his phone. Hope springs eternal, though, because Max still has the number.
Back in Max's room, Veronica sees some pictures -- of Max and two other guys -- that were taken in Mac and Parker's room. Veronica comments that Max must know Mac. Regrettably, that's all we get of Mac this episode. "No, that's from the Around the World party -- that's my roommate Brian and my friend Fred," Max explains. Is there only one dorm at Hearst? "I think that room was supposed to be Canada, but it was kind of lame," Max concludes. Veronica drops her smile when she hears "lame." Come on, V, you guys didn't even invest in any poutine or a DVD of Strange Brew. (Yes, those are the two things I think about when I imagine Canada. ["Sniff." -- Wing Chun]) Max hands over the text message phone number, and Veronica places the call. She gets the guy on the line and asks him about Chelsea (he already told Max he doesn't know any Chelsea), his area code (Goshen, New York), Poughkeepsie in relation to Goshen (forty-three miles), and where he is now. Behold, the first twist! Text Boy is in SoCal. In college. A "tiny West Coast liberal arts college no one has ever heard of." Wait for it: "Hearst." Veronica admits that she has heard of it, and asks if she can come by and check the phone out for herself, since Text Boy can't figure out how to use his own phone to check for sent messages. Text Boy wonders how she's going to come by. "Just tell me where you are, I'll handle the travel arrangements," Veronica assures him wryly.
Hearst Caf. Veronica gives Text Boy a lesson in cell-phone mechanics, and finds the sent message. She reads the message aloud, and Text Boy is quick to swear that he didn't send it. Veronica starts to suggest that "some sweet young thing" asked to borrow his phone the last time he was back home and under the influence of egg nog, but then one of the guys pictured with Max in Mac's "Oh, Canada" dorm zips out of the kitchen with a tray of muffins. After the guy admits that his name is Brian, Veronica nails him: "You look more like a Chelsea." Busted. Oh, but we aren't nearly done with the plot-twisting. Just wait. You're going to need Dramamine.
Back in Max's dorm, Veronica announces that while Chelsea isn't getting married, she is a hooker.
After the break, Veronica explains that Fred and Brian hired Chelsea, and that their reasoning for this rather lame scheme was to give Max more confidence by way of a hired deflowering. Max gapes and chokes out that he's going to go kill his friends. Veronica reminds him that his friends thought they were doing him a favor. Max rants that he's not a "sexual charity chase" -- that he's had "opportunities," but he has "standards -- high standards." Veronica reveals that not only did Fred and Brian book Chelsea for this virgin gig, they also coached her in All Things Max, gave her the "So Say We All" t-shirt, and fed her the Cylon raider line. (Aw, not a "Frackin' Toaster" t-shirt?) Later, when his friends saw Max pining for She Who Does Not Exist, they used an Upstate cell phone to send Max a text message in the hopes that he would move on. Max still wants Veronica to find Chelsea, though. He refuses to believe that their connection was faked. "There are some things women are universally known for faking and this girl is a professional," Veronica reminds him. She continues to try to talk Max out of his imagined love connection. Max is resolute, and Veronica is off to find a hooker. It shouldn't be too hard: all she'll need is a metal detector to find her heart of gold.
Going to the source, Veronica meets up with Fred and Brian, and for some reason feels the need to tell them that, even after they spent $500, Max is still a virgin. After scoffing and sighing and generally acting like the immature college guys they are, Frian finally agrees to help Veronica find "Chelsea." Bred shows Veronica "The Erotic Critique," a "hooker search engine." Sort of takes Googling yourself to an entirely new level. I would be remiss not to point out that the "o" in "Erotic" is composed of both the Mars and Venus symbols. In other words, Prince when he was going through his sign language phase. Veronica finds one "Chelsea," who turns out to be a drag queen type, so that's probably not a match. Bred -- or is it Frian? -- quickly swears, "That isn't her; they change their working names all the time." Veronica's enthusiasm for searching though 18,731 escorts flags, but Bred suggests that she do the search "by preference." Lord, this is going to be fun. "You know," Bred explains, "hair color, height, bondage preference." Frian sniggers. Veronica boggles over their knowing Max's "preference." "That's easy -- we just describe Milla Jovovich with a B-cup," Frian says. "And somewhat into role-playing," Bred adds. Veronica notes that it's all very "Weird Science," and starts fiddling with the drop-downs, exclaiming, "It's like a Zagat guide for hookers!" Yes:
"Hooray for horniness" cheer sexually satisfied customers who have "gotten their rocks off" with this "sultry blond" and her "multi-talented tongue." "Her menu is extensive," and the optional lap dance is "great for kids over the age of eighteen" and "large groups," so even if her blowjob "isn't quite up to snuff," an evening with this talented "newcomer on the happy hooker scene" will quickly be "hard to come by."Veronica puzzles over a drop-down that gives "PSE" and "GFE" as choices. The boys explain that they stand for things like "girlfriend experience" or "porn star experience," indicating the "type of experience" the buyer wants to have. Veronica wonders if there's a "reality experience" where the hooker reminds the guy that she's only there because he's paying her. This gets looks of confusion from the boys as Veronica sends her search. Two possibilities pop up, and the boys get into a discussion as to whether "Chelsea" had a longer torso. Veronica gives the two of them a jaundiced eye.
House of Mars. Keith makes notes on the Dean O'Dell case as Veronica breezes in and demands that he entertain her. Keith busts out a Michigan J. Frog-like song about finally getting the police report on Dean Ed's suicide. Veronica tells him about the Lilith House egging spree, and explains that Nish was all bent out of shape and swore Dean Ed would regret it when he fired her from the paper. Having "dipped into that well one too many times," Veronica explains that she can't talk to Lilith House about the egging herself, but teasingly recommends that Keith not wear a Daniel Boone jacket or peace sign if he goes undercover as a student. When Keith asks if Veronica will be home for dinner, Veronica joyfully announces that she's meeting two hookers at Logan's place. Keith stares at her a second before breezing, "On a school night?" Heh. Veronica explains the time-saving device of off-peak hours, and Keith realizes that she's serious. "They're just a couple of gals putting themselves through college," Veronica singsongs. Keith continues to stare at her, so Veronica leaves the room snarking that he's bringing her down with his "bourgeois hang-ups." Keith forces out an uncomfortable noise, which is halfway between a throat-clear and a muttering laugh. She's daddy's little girl.
Logan's pad. Veronica and Logan tear into a couple of burgers, which seems like the perfect time for Veronica to ask if Logan has ever been with a hooker. See, this is where I'm probably too cynical for my own good, but Veronica? It's Logan. I just assumed the answer would have been a resounding and really quite obvious "yes." They have some banter about whether it would improve their relationship for Logan to answer such a question. Logan throws up roadblocks and explains that they're on landmines and slippery slopes and Mexican water and all sorts of dangerous things. Thank god Max arrives to forestall any more probing into the murky depths of this particular Veronica-Logan dynamic. Max regards Logan uncomfortably as they all stand around thinking, "Awkward," and mutters that he didn't know "Chelsea" was a hooker. "No one's judging you, man," Logan assures him quickly to keep him from confessing anything else.
Time has passed, and it seems to have been a long night because we're now watching the trio watch Sense And Sensibility. That's just so...random. I mean, I love that movie, but waiting around for a hooker doesn't exactly scream Jane Austen. They should have themed it up with My Own Private Idaho, Taxi Driver, or a little Pretty Woman (at least for the shopping scene!). ["If they wanted to go period...Moll Flanders?" -- Wing Chun] Veronica sighs over the delay, and just as Max gets up to use the bathroom, there's a knock at the door. After getting the nod from Veronica, Logan opens the door to Lisette, who smirks and slinks her way around Logan. Cue Veronica looking uncomfortable and wondering how many times he's done this. Lisette catches sight of Veronica and coos, "Ooh, well, hey there to you, too. I'm totally up for it, guys, but it's going to cost you extra." Max rushes into the room and stops short to say that's not his "Chelsea." Max pays Lisette as they start to shoo her out. "Well, if we're paying her anyway --" Logan suggests. "Honey?" Veronica snaps, giving her head a tiny, sharp, "we are not amused" shake. Lisette saunters out as Logan comments, "This is just waste." Meanwhile, on the other side of the door stands Hooker #2. "Hey, there, I'm Fiona," she says winningly, and with much less coo and slink than Lisette, so we know she's a Good Girl. She's also not wearing hot hooker pink as Lisette was, but a black top with white polka dots and a fluffy black skirt that almost touches her knees. "Chelsea!" Cheliona shrieks, ecstatically throwing herself into Max's arms. I guess they found her. Logan looks charmed by the sight, but Veronica is still looking uncomfortable with her arms crossed firmly over her chest.
Sense And Sensibility has progressed to the dance scene where Kate Winslet makes a fool of herself over Greg Wise ["as who wouldn't" -- Wing Chun], and Cheliona and Max have progressed to making out in front of Veronica and Logan. "This is nice," Logan comments, snagging some popcorn from Veronica's bag. "We should hang out with your friends more." Seriously. Why haven't Max and Cheliona gone back to Max's room? If Max is really that worried about dealing with Bred and Frian, like, get a room. He's tossing around enough cash for us to know that he can afford a stay at the local Marriott. Hell, with his kind of cash, he could stay at the Torrey Pines Hilton or the Hotel del Coronado. In a vain attempt to peel Cheliona's lips off Max's, Logan asks where she's from. "Ah, actually, this is a bit awkward, but my name is really Wendy," Cheliondy admits. Now why would that be awkward? Max likes the new name. They start macking again, without Cheliondy answering Logan's question. Veronica asks if they need a refill or a room. "We're good, thanks," Max assures her between smacks. Cheliondy -- who has a voice like Jennifer Tilly and Melanie Griffith smashed together -- apologizes and explains that she never thought she'd see Max again. She goes on to say how "misty and dramatic" she was when Max dropped her at the airport. "I missed the misty?" Max asks wonderingly. Cheliondy giggles like it's the cleverest thing she's ever heard. Probably is, actually. Poor little hooker. Veronica just looks sickened as Cheliondy plays with her hands and prattles on some more about how she felt after leaving Max. Cheliondy and Max resume kissing, and then there's another knock at the door. Not ANOTHER hooker! Veronica muses that Dick forgot his key card again as she goes to answer it. It's Madison. Preening in the hallway. I was right, it IS another hooker! Veronica and Madison snark back and forth at each other as Madison saunters up to Logan. Veronica explains that Dick isn't there. Madison ignores this as she flirts with Logan. Maybe my memory is really faulty, but I don't recall Madison looking so...dumpy. I mean what's with that weird wig? And the Frida Kahlo eyebrows? After Madison sneers around a bit, she decides to go somewhere that "doesn't suck" and leaves. Veronica slams the door behind her and instructs Logan that if Dick starts dating Madison again, he's going to have to get another roommate.
House of Mars. Keith is togged out in his old police uniform. Veronica stands in the doorway and snarks that he's missing something. She leaves and returns to hand him a boom box, reminding him, "Now remember, when you rip off the break-away pants, thrust your pelvis toward the bachelorette, okay? It's her special day." Okay. Ick. Veronica demonstrates the pelvic thrusts, and Keith's eyes follow the daughterly thrusts, and it's all just too uncomfortable and weird. Still holding the boom box, Keith dazedly rechecks his reflection in the mirror.
Keith arrives at Lilith House to ask some questions of Claire and Fern. He starts off playing Fairly Affable Cop as he tries to get Claire and Fern to admit to egging Dean Ed's office, but he quickly turns Bad Cop as he reveals that Dean Ed was murdered, and hints that they could be suspects. Claire gets all nervous, saying that they didn't kill anyone. Keith demands to know who all participated in the egg spree. Fern insists that it was just the two of them, but Claire reluctantly adds "and Nish." Fern insists that Nish was not with them when they egged the Dean's office. Keith gets loud as he announces that Nish was with them during the other eggings, so where was she during the egging of the Dean? Fern and Claire say nothing. Keith threatens to haul them down to the station, which is when we hear Nish ask, "What, are you kidding?" Keith whirls around to see Nish looking him up and down. She nails him for being Keith Mars and not even a cop. "Do you two ever watch the news?" Nish asks her dumbfounded friends. Keith demands to know her whereabouts the night the Dean died. Nish gives attitude, saying that she doesn't have to tell Keith anything, and adding that she's pretty sure what he's doing is illegal. However, since Nish says she has nothing to hide, she tells Keith that she egged Dean Ed's car, "that Volvo that he loved so much." "He says that the Dean was murdered," Fern tells Nish. Nish looks aghast and a bit worried.
In his squad car, Lamb pulls up to a stoplight, totally seat-rocking to the radio. (Sorry kids, I'm out of the loop when it comes to music. If he were eating something, I'm sure I could identify it, but the last album I bought was U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind.) Lamb looks over at the car pulled up to his, and his smile of "hey, there" freezes, then drops, as he double-takes at the sight of Keith in uniform. Keith gives him a lazy salute, looks up at the light, and makes a left turn. Lamb is left half-smiling in bemusement to himself. Odd -- I would have thought he'd be angry. He almost seems tickled at the sight of Keith in uniform.
Veronica arrives at Max's dorm, announcing that she got his text message. She notes the lingerie spread out way too neatly on the bed and assumes aloud that their relationship has reached a higher plane. Cutting to the chase, Max tells Veronica that he wants to hire her to make Cheliondy disappear: "I guess she needs a new ID, a new name" -- ANOTHER one!? -- "someone to close out her apartment." Veronica tries to talk some sense into Max, telling him it's way too fast, but that's when Cheliondy arrives. Max tells her that Veronica's going to help them. Dude, she hasn't agreed! Stop putting the cart before the horse. Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. Cheliondy is so grateful, commenting that it's hard to break out of prostitution, and then goes on about one of her clients, a judge, who likes to have tickle fights in his office and walk around in her shoes. Ouch. Veronica gets excited when Cheliondy tells her that it's Judge Kramer -- a judge Keith busted for bribe-taking but still got reelected. I guess this means Veronica is taking the case? Max has been looking quite uncomfortable as Cheliondy describes the judge's proclivities. What do you expect, man? She's a hooker! Cheliondy catches Max's look of slight disgust and looks down, but Max squeezes her shoulder and says, "Well, you won't have to worry about him stretching out your shoes anymore." Because that's the biggest stretching worry. "Whatever it costs," Max instructs Veronica, who just nods and smiles tightly.
Meanwhile, Logan opens his door to another hooker. She's bruised and bleeding and demands to know where Cheliondy is.
After the commercial, Bruisella is holding an ice pack -- a towel wrapped around frozen peas, I believe. See? I get the food stuff! -- to her face, laying down the law to Cheliondy: "If you don't come back with me with a thousand dollars for your time last night, Mr. Happy Fists is going to play connect-the-bruises on me." "Mr. Happy Fists" sounds like a game. Sort of like Whack-a-Mole at the pimp carnival. Cheliondy simpers and trembles and tells Max that she has to go back. Max wants to talk to her pimp, which just brings up so many hysterical images, considering that Max looks almost as weedy as Warren from Buffy. Cheliondy tearfully explains that there's no other way, and thanks him for the greatest night of her life. With reluctance, Max pulls out a packet of cash and hands it over to Bruisella, noting that it was supposed to pay Veronica. Veronica just nods wearily as Bruisella takes the cash and drags Cheliondy out. Max promises that they will figure something out.
Later that night, Max is drooping on Logan's couch. Veronica notes to Logan that he hasn't moved. Logan wants to toss the brooder out on his ass, but Veronica tells Logan to chill while she talks to Max. Forget Max paying her for her services -- they should be charging him rent now. In an attempt to cheer Max up, Veronica reminds him that he'll always have Comic-Con. And then, in a move that can only bring Max down, Veronica admits that she was wrong, and that he and Cheliondy did have something special together, "and this just plain sucks." Max sort of rolls his eyes at this, which is sort of rude, considering that he's camped out in an apartment not his own. Getting up to get Max a glass of water to replenish his tear ducts, Veronica grabs the ice pack and freezes as she looks at it. "Max" is all she says as she holds up the ice pack so that we can see a blue-ish purple stain on the towel. Max is slow and doesn't get that Bruisella's bruises were nothing more than makeup, until Veronica spells it out for him and adds that he's been had. Max doesn't want to believe that Cheliondy conned him out of a thousand dollars. "She screws people for money, Max, that's what she does!" Veronica says impatiently. Max is silent, but as Veronica starts to apologize for being too harsh, Max stops her and agrees that he's an idiot. Veronica assures him that he's not the idiot (yes, he is) because Cheliondy is the idiot, and they will now proceed to crush her.
Sometime later, Veronica hangs up the phone and waves around Tickle Me Judge-o's home phone number. Logan thinks this is a really bad idea, but Veronica explains, "It's the go-to idea: in case of emergency, break glass or blackmail." Logan begs to be excused for not being thrilled that his girlfriend is about to extort a judge. Would he feel better if she were extorting bums? ["Yeah!" -- Wing Chun] Veronica's not "doing back handsprings" about it either, but she's getting Max's money back and taking away Cheliondy's biggest client. Using Max's cell phone, so that they can't trace the call back to her, Veronica calls Tickle Me Judge-o and talks about his weekly courthouse date with a hooker, including high heel-wearing tickle fights. Logan faces the wall and looks pained. Veronica makes her bid for hush money, telling the judge to dump it in a locker at the Neptune Bus Station. He has twenty-four hours to do this and call her back with the locker number and passcode. She hangs up, and it occurs to me that the judge had better have caller ID or he won't exactly know where to call. You think I'm kidding? My parents didn't have caller ID until last year. ["I still don't. Does this make me old?" -- Wing Chun] Max finally realizes that he should vacate Logan's apartment and mope around his own place. Noting Logan's still wary face, Veronica rolls her eyes dramatically and sighs that she can't believe she had to blackmail a judge just to get some alone time with Logan. "You really don't have to work that hard," Logan tells her. "Sure I do," Veronica purrs argumentatively, and they embrace.
Several orgasms later, the two lovebirds are cuddling. By way of talking about what she would charge Logan for cuddle time if she were a hooker, Veronica once again brings up the question of Logan and hookers. They lap dance around the issue a bit, but Veronica keeps pressing with this excuse, "I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really...intimate." Logan snarks, "That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off." Seriously, stop with the asking, Veronica. You aren't going to be "cool" with it. Veronica points out, "Buried secrets tend to surface when I'm around." She keeps badgering Logan to come clean, and offers to come clean as well. Finally, Logan agrees, and tells her to ask away. Veronica asks. Logan says that he's never been with a hooker. Veronica smiles gently and closes her eyes. Oh, but the torture isn't over yet! "You want to ask me anything?" she offers. Logan deadpans the question back on her and gets a scoffing "No!" Barely pausing between interrogations, Veronica now wants to ask about That Night in Mexico. Haven't we been here already? Veronica, you got back together with Logan, and regardless of what I think of that, you did it. If you're in this relationship, you have to trust him. If you can't, then give Dick your extra key. Logan can't believe Veronica's going there. Veronica wants to know how Mercer was able to get back to Neptune, commit a rape, and return to Mexico, all without Logan knowing. Logan, who has turned away from Veronica and is now looking up at the ceiling, sighs, "I don't know. I must've passed out. I don't know, it felt like a couple of minutes, but it could've been hours. Maybe he drugged me or something." Does GHB sponsor this show or something? I swear, their product placement is almost as shameless as on Top Chef. Veronica, realizing that she's not going to get anything more out of Logan, says, "Your question." Logan tells her that she can have it, so Veronica asks if Logan was with anyone when they were broken up. And we're off! "Landmine," Logan breathes. Veronica looks scared. I'm sorry, but you asked for it, honey. He tells her that he "fooled around with this horrible girl" he met on the beach. It meant nothing to him and he couldn't regret it more. Veronica twitches away from him. "Thinking of it makes me ill," Logan concludes, turning onto his back. "So, there: presto intimacy!" Veronica agonizes for a little bit until Logan asks if she still loves him. She smiles slowly and answers, "Yes." They turn their faces back to each other and kiss.
House of Mars. Max calls Veronica to tell her that the judge dropped off the money. He asks if she wants to come with him to pick it up. "The pick-up is the best part," Veronica replies.
At the bus station, Max and Veronica find no money -- just a note that tells them, "GO OUTSIDE. GET IN THE LIMO. OR WENDY GETS HURT." Well, he didn't get elected for his punctuation, did he? Also, unlike when you are trying to handwrite an untraceable note, caps aren't really needed if you're typing it out. Also, I am fairly tickled by the heavy, cream-colored paper. It's like the judge shops at Paper Source. Veronica and Max trade scared looks...
...and book outside to see a huge, square man standing bodyguard-style in front of a long black limo. He sees them and gallantly opens the car door. Max walks over and gets into the car. Veronica hesitates until SpongeBob SquareFace grunts, "Get in!" Veronica gets in, and the limo screeches off. Do bad guys ever get that, when they do their macho screech-off, they draw attention to themselves? It's the universal sound of "I'm trying to get away with something not good; please note my license plate and call it in at your earliest convenience."
The limo slides into an empty, wet parking lot by some commuter train tracks. (I giggle when the limo takes care to park within the painted lines of an actual spot.) Veronica is talking fast and reasonably. She admits that blackmail might not have been the way to go: "But one of your girls ripped off my friend, and we were just trying to get his money back." Inside the car, we see Veronica and Max squished on either side of SpongeBob SquareFace, whose enormous hands are hysterically shot to look as though they are taking up one third of the back seat. It puts me in mind of how they shot Lord Of The Rings to make the hobbits look so much smaller than Legolas and Gandalf. "So, could you let us out of the car now?" Veronica asks squeakily. "Uh, lesson learned!" She smiles hopefully up at SpongeBob SquareFace, who glares down at her. "Not me," a big black guy with a fat gold chain grunts. "Her." He turns to the skinny lady to him. Nice, Veronica. Real nice. Just assume the big black guy with the fat gold chain is the pimp. Just because!
Veronica looks at the madam as though seeing her for the first time. Seriously, Veronica? Why did you think the chick was in the car? "Her?" Veronica boggles. "Me," says Skinny Lady. "I'm the one who gets called when one of my girls does something dumb." Veronica: "You mean, you're the --" "I'm Wendy's agent," Mayflower Madam confirms. At first, I thought we were going to get ANOTHER twist and learn the Cheliondy was an actress, which of course doesn't make sense, but I was sort of panting to catch up with everything here. The Un-Pimp paws through Veronica's bag and pulls out her taser. He turns it on and comments, "I don't think this is street legal. What's the voltage on this?" Hee -- he sounds so disapproving. Like he's going to give her a talking-to for carrying illegal tasers that might hurt people. Mayflower Madam rolls her eyes and tells "Happy" to put it down. Happy regretfully puts the taser away. Veronica realizes that there really is a "Mr. Happy Fists," and that it wasn't just "colorful language." Max speaks up to say that Cheliondy didn't call the judge; he did. Mayflower Madam isn't inclined to believe him, since the judge said the voice was a chick's, and Cheliondy has done several other dumb things: "She fell for a client." Max bugs. "She tried to leave me without saying goodbye." She makes it sound like it was simply a matter of bad manners. "She told a client about the judge." Of course, the only things Max has latched onto is the whole falling-for-a-client thing. Mayflower Madam nods that Cheliondy "asked out," but that Cheliondy is deep in debt to Mayflower Madam for braces, tattoo removal, clothes, and housing. Happy gives Mayflower Madam a sympathetic look. Well, when you put it like that, it sounds like the minx was simply ungrateful! Mayflower Madam suggests, "Now, she could work it off --" Max interrupts to say that he'll pay. Mayflower Madam compliments his negotiation skills (or lack thereof), and names Cheliondy's price: ten grand and a promise that Max never talks to one of Madam's clients again. Mayflower Madam also notes that, time, she won't use stage bruises; they're gonna be the real thing. I don't know; Happy seems too nice to beat up a girl, you know? Veronica implores Max to think about what he's agreeing to. Max ignores her and suggests that they stop by his bank.
Back at Hearst, Veronica points out that Max just handed over a large amount of cash but has no guarantee that he'll see Cheliondy again. But oh, look! They're at Max's door and his mail-order hooker has arrived! Now, do you think they used Fed-Sex for that? Cheliondy stands up to her pile of belongings and gives Max a scared but hopeful smile. Max rushes to hug her, and for some reason Veronica doesn't look thrilled that it all worked out. Maybe it's because our girl is wise beyond her years and knows that an ex-hooker and a strait-laced guy only find happiness when he has millions of dollars and a fear of heights.
Later, in the caf, Veronica sits with Cheliondy while Max gets food and keeps throwing little waves back at their table. Veronica notes that Max is a smitten kitten, and asks what the secret is to making a guy fall for her like that. So, now Veronica is seeking relationship advice from an ex-hooker? "Dumb luck," Cheliondy decides. "And interesting lingerie. Never underestimate the power of lingerie." Yeah, the power to make me scratch uncomfortably in the most unladylike places. Weevil strides over to Veronica, announcing, "You're never going to guess what someone tried to flush down the commode in the faculty room." Why does it strike me as bizarre that Weevil says "commode" instead of "toilet" or "john"? It's like he's suddenly Victorian. But we never get to find out what was flushed (dammit), because Weevil suddenly recognizes Cheliondy from somewhere. Trying to head off disaster, Veronica firmly introduces Cheliondy as "Wendy." Weevil ignores her and announces, "Fiona, right?," just as Max walks up. Weevil realizes that Cheliondy used to dance at The Electric Lady, where his buddy was a bouncer. Cheliondy tries to tell Weevil that he's thinking of someone else, but Weevil blunderingly insists that she has a red dragon tattoo on her left cheek. And we know he doesn't mean her face. Cheliondy doesn't know what to say. "WEEVIL!" Veronica barks, "You have the wrong girl." Weevil still wants to protest, but Veronica gives him an obvious stare-down. Weevil turns to look at Max and then back at Veronica, who nods. Suddenly, but way too late, Weevil catches on and realizes that he was thinking of someone else. He apologizes, and leaves, giving Max and his two whipped-topped frappuccinos a sidelong glance. Veronica looks at the happy hooker couple with concern.
House of Mars. Keith tells Veronica that while Nish said she egged Dean Ed's Volvo, the car the Dean was driving that night was the mini-van; that's the car the police found in the lot. Does this mean Nish was lying? Not necessarily: Keith explains that the Widder Dean was driving the family Volvo that night, and suggests that she paid an unrevealed visit to her husband.
Max silently reads Ulysses as Cheliondy paints his toenails. You know, I love my husband, but I don't really want to touch his feet. I just don't get the obsession some girls have with painting their boyfriends' toenails. Cheliondy looks up at the silent Max and asks if he's okay. Max lies through his pink toenails that he is, hedging that he has to have the book read by Tuesday. Cheliondy understands. However, Max, much like Bilbo, can't let sleeping dragons lie, and tells Cheliondy that he saw a dragon on her purse the first time they met: "Guess you're a friend of dragons." Cheliondy nods sadly: "I like dragons." Dumb and Dumber -- formerly known as Bred and Frian -- walk in, sniggering, and warn that their suspicious R.A. is sniffing around since he saw Cheliondy's bags. Cheliondy thanks them for letting her hang out while she looks for a place to live and gets a job. Max goes back to reading. Dumb tells Cheliondy, "I might actually know of a job." Yeah, this is going nowhere good. See, Dumb's older brother needs a stripper for his bachelor party, so, you know...? Cheliondy looks crestfallen. God, no wonder Dumb and Dumber are overly familiar with a hooker search engine. "Hey, dudes, that's my girl you're talking to!" Max reminds them loudly. Cheliondy tells Dumb and Dumber that she's retired. Dumb realizes his mistake, sort of apologizes, and the two idiots snigger their way back out of the room. Cheliondy looks down at her lap until Max asks if she minds his asking her a question. Dude, don't do it. DON'T DO IT! He does it: he asks if she was lying at the airport about leaving her contact information at his hotel. She was. But she really wishes she had left it. Max looks down in disappointment and says he needs to take a walk. Cheliondy sits alone in his dorm room and cries.
Some days later, Max finds Veronica at the library to pay her for her extensive services. Veronica rather gauchely asks, "How's tricks?," and then apologizes. Max admits that things suck, and that Cheliondy left. Veronica looks rather incensed. "The upside? I actually got a note this time," says Max, like he's the wronged party. "She said it wasn't going to work out." Veronica is incensed: "You bought her out of prostitution and she left you?" Right, because she should have stayed around with a guy who couldn't get over her past even though he knew full well what she did when he started on his mission to get her out of hooker hock. Please, Veronica, you saw the look on Max's face in the caf. You should have known he wasn't going to be able to deal with Cheliondy, warts and all. Just like you probably can't Compound W away Logan's. Veronica begs Max to say that he doesn't want her to find Cheliondy again. No, Max thinks Cheliondy is right, and quotes from her note: "'The day we met was one of the best of my life. I fell for you that day, but you didn't know what I was then and now you do, and it shows in the way you look at me. It shows in the way you touch me, but I'll never regret it. You made me realize what I was missing. Love, Wendy.'" Veronica has the grace to look sad, but tells Max, "Ten thousand [dollars] is a lot to pay for a life lesson." Stop harping on the money, Veronica! I mean, really, look at it this way: as you pointed out earlier, Max doesn't exactly get his money by saving puppies and kittens. To some degree, his money is already tainted. It's almost poetic justice that what Max's money touches turns to dross. Sort of like the curse in Pirates Of The Caribbean. Max says that Cheliondy is going to pay him back, but Veronica tells him not to get his hopes up. Is Veronica being such a downer because her relationship with Logan is so shaky? Can she still not get over the image of Logan and a hooker even though he denied any such activity? Max bangs a pillowy mailer on the desk and announces that Cheliondy already paid him a grand. Aghast, Veronica looks inside and sees that her fee is all in singles. "She made some good money last night," says Max. "Hope you don't mind getting your money in vertically folded singles." Max is all put-upon that Cheliondy is dancing again. And maybe he should be -- I mean, he did shell out money to get her out of that sort of life -- but it's not really him I feel sorry for. Clearly, without Max, Cheliondy doesn't have anyone in her life to keep her on the straight path to redemption. There's no Hector Elizondo telling her how to dress and which forks to use. Veronica, however, sighs and slings a sympathetic arm around Max's shoulder.
Veronica walks into an upscale lingerie store -- this is no Cacique, my friends -- and VOs, "I heard it from a pro: lingerie. Maybe I should get into the spirit of doing things normal girlfriends do. I should make more of an effort to please my man." Ew, my stomach turned at that particular phrasing. Veronica's lingerie reverie is interrupted by that badly-wigged Madison leaving a dressing room and asking no one in particular if they have thigh-highs with the seam up the back. Veronica tells her that they were near the pasties and edible underwear. Madison compliments Veronica's wisdom in sticking to the sale rack: "It's almost a waste for me to spend all this money on something that will be ripped right off of me." Veronica says that Madison really doesn't have to work that hard to get Dick back: "A Hefty bad and some duct tape and he'd be good to go." Madison gives Veronica an amused look and shrugs the idea of Dick off with a "please." Veronica reminds Madison that she came looking for Dick the other night. "Oh, Logan and I hooked up in Aspen over the holidays," says Madison. "I guess you two were split, huh? I was in town and thought he might have some free time but, oh, well." Continuing to rub rock salt in the potentially really fake wound and drawing on a great scene between Norma Shearer and Joan Crawford in The Women, Madison suggests that Veronica stay away from the one-pieces: Logan doesn't much care for them. Veronica looks sick and wronged. However, her Crystal Allen response should have been, "Thanks for the tip, but whenever I wear something that doesn't please Logan, I take it off!"
week: you're stuck with me for one more week. Rant or celebrate as you wish.