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So it turns out that Neptune High let Veronica retake that final she missed when she went to hear the Haaron verdict, so we open at Stanford, where she and Angie have become BFFs and...oh, fine, I'm no good at this fiction stuff anyway. So, Season 3 at Hearst College! Veronica's taking Criminology, taught by a Dr. Landry, and impresses him very quickly when she breaks a record by cheating. Interesting choices all around. She makes a quick enemy of Dr. Landry's TA, but given that he's the same actor who played dead Lucky, only with worse hair, I don't know that she should be too worried. Logan and Veronica are still going out, and Logan's at Hearst with her, along with Wallace, Mac, and...Dick. Failing senior Physics apparently isn't all it's cracked up to be. Fans of Dick's will be happy at his shirtlessness, while detractors will take pleasure in his getting kneed in the balls. Something for everyone! Also, Logan and Veronica seem to have a slightly more, um, aerobic sex life than certain other pairings we've seen, which could be the reason Logan gives Veronica the key to his room. Never has a piece of plastic made more people sigh with appreciation. The moment is interrupted by Dick's flamboyant and public downward spiral, and at the end of the episode, he sobbingly collapses into Logan's arms. Vinnie Vanlowe proposes teaming up with Keith for some case, but Keith isn't interested. Cormac Fitzpatrick gets out of jail, and Keith picks him up. Turns out Keith has Kendall stashed away for safekeeping, but thanks to Vinnie and a spy pen Keith REALLY should have been prepared for, the whole thing goes horribly wrong, and Cormac kills Kendall and almost does the same to Keith. Yikes. Back on campus, Wallace has a new roommate, Piz, whose stuff gets stolen out of his car within his first thirty seconds of screen time. He's on the right show, at least. Also, he's not the only one, so Veronica does some poking around and gets the better of reincarnated Lucky again in busting an underage ring of thieves. Also: Piz likes Veronica! Piz likes Veronica! Good thing for him he's kind of cute and charming. Finally, there's a Take Back The Night rally on campus, as the rapist from last season's "The Rapes Of Graff" has continued to be, um, busy. So, too, has Mac's bubbly roommate Parker, at least according to Mac. Parker tags along when Veronica and Mac go see a band, and Mac and Veronica aren't too enamored of her, so they're glad later in the episode not to have her along for another night out. They regret their attitude, however, when Parker turns out to be the rape victim. Well, it's no school bus going over a cliff. THANK GOD. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Welcome back, everyone! I hope you enjoyed the summer. Mine had a few more Muppets in it than I originally anticipated, which will make going back to recapping real fictional people an adjustment. But let's get to it.
We pan down from an opening shot of a cloudy sky to see Veronica walking through a courtyard at Hearst College, her eventual alma mater. Hey, nothing wrong with a little optimism, right? She walks under a banner advertising a Take Back The Night rally as VMVO intones, "Here it is. First day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start -- how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?" As Yoda would say, "Do or do not. There is no try." Particularly not in Veronica's case, if the scene is any indication.
Cut to a title card on a TV screen that reads "Intro To Criminology." The professor tells them that it's okay to skip class in college -- just not his. Some chick to Veronica is all, "'Skip class.' I'm gonna staple myself to the floor," and Veronica gives an answering feline growl to indicate that she, too, is hot for the professor's chili. Now, I should mention that the professor is played by Patrick Fabian, who Joan Of Arcadia viewers will remember as the loathsome Principal Gavin Price. I'm not saying he's not attractive, but it's hard for me to think of him in that way, since I associate him with such prickitude that I think perhaps the biggest in the laundry list of tragedies caused by Joan's premature cancellation is that we never got to see Helen finally knee Price in the groin. But anyway, he seems decent enough here, as he tells the class that the Criminology Department has a mentoring program involving "at-risk" kids in Neptune: "Our philosophy is that it's better to prevent crimes through intervention than be forced to solve them later." And I guess that would reduce our prison population too -- too bad that's not how we do things in this day and age. Go back to the '60s, pinko! Dr. Landry (that's Price's name) then introduces his teaching assistant, "Timothy Foil," and if his surname is supposed to indicate the nature of his relationship to our heroine, it's perhaps a little heavy-handed. If not, forget I said anything -- cool name! Timothy, by the way, is played by James Jordan, who was the also-unfortunately-named Lucky last season before going down in a hail of bullets and repressed sexual abuse. They're disguising this fact by giving the character asstastic longish hair and a rather toolish beard and glasses, an effort which achieves the goal but makes me shake my head at the heavy price. Dr. Landry clicks to the slide and tells the class that it shows their reading list for the semester. The girl to Veronica preeningly pipes up to ask about Dr. Landry's book, and she's annoying me already. I hope those staples hurt. Landry: "Profiling is an upper-level course. Gotta walk before we run." This guy's publisher hates him. Landry then suggests that they start the semester with a little "ridiculous fun" -- a murder mystery game called "Riverboat Queen." Tim hands out envelopes, which contain cover stories for the passengers, to some of the students. The rest of the students are supposed to be the detectives, who can ask the passengers questions to try to solve the case. Additional instructions such as "don't use the internet" and "you should really consider getting off your duffs" will no doubt be added to year's teaching notes. Landry informs us that the current record for solving the case is sixteen minutes, and is held by none other than Tim himself. Landry instructs the class to get to work, but Veronica just gets on her laptop.
Sometime later, Tim is making the rounds of the classroom when he notices that Veronica is reading a magazine. He goes up to her and informs her that Dr. Landry expects everyone to participate, and wonders if she ended up in the wrong class. He obnoxiously suggests that Veronica take something called "elementary education," implying that the short bus and no other stops there (no emails, please, I'm just paraphrasing), and Veronica gives him a little fake smile before telling him that she knows the culprit's identity. Tim takes a moment to process that...
...and then calls to Dr. Landry that "this girl" says she's got it, but that she hasn't moved from her seat. Landry takes that at face value, asking first for Veronica's name, and then: "Who are you going to send to prison for the rest of his natural-born days?" If I have a handle on the new season structure, we should find out in eight more episodes. Veronica answers, "The blind, yet not really blind, fiddle player, Rutherford Stiles." No, Veronica, you can't do that! Who's going to work everyone's last nerve with scraping strains of "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" now? Anyway, Tim looks dejected, and Landry, after giving him an amused glance, announces to the class that the exercise is over. He asks Veronica how she figured it out. She tells everyone that the game is a murder mystery that came out in the late '80s, and that she went on to a site devoted to the game and ignored all the spoiler alerts: "Which I know is kind of douchebaggy." Tim's feathers are ruffled that Veronica used the internet, but Landry is impressed with her pluck and cheek. I'm not. I mean, sure, Tim's an ass in that certain way that only college TAs can be, but that's hardly the only point in play here. Presumably, Landry had the class play this game because he thought that it would be instructional or positive in some way, so for Veronica to be all, "Y'all are dumb; I'm going to do it the easy way" is presumptuous and just rude, in my opinion. I mean, suck it up, play the game, and keep the eye-rolling inside, you know? I'm similarly unimpressed with Landry's fawning here -- it feels clichéd, like "Of COURSE he's going to see how wonderful Veronica is within five minutes of meeting her!" (Okay, six, if you want to get technical.) Tim sniffs that there are two possible killers in the game, but Veronica tells him that the alternate choice is a woman, so Landry's use of the masculine possessive in reference to the killer gave it away. A little flimsy, perhaps, especially since it's based on the assumption that Landry wouldn't be clever enough to disguise his intentions by saying "his" when he meant "her." But then again, who would expect a Criminology professor to employ such a complex ruse? On top of that, this shows that, at the point she told Tim she knew who did it, Veronica was, in fact, only working a fifty-fifty shot, so her smugness seems even more misplaced and bizarre. Veronica winds up by asking Tim, "What did you do for the extra ten minutes?" Well, it's not like Tim didn't deserve it, but Veronica, showing off how clever you are by publicly humiliating the guy who's going to be grading your work for the semester seems like a bit of a Pyrrhic victory. I'm sure you're familiar with the term, being so smart and all. Also, it seems like Veronica's implying that Tim cheated to solve the mystery in the same way she did, but that's left unconfirmed, although perhaps it would explain why Landry is so amused. Anyway, we ride Veronica's spunky smile into the opening credits...
...which have been totally redone. They're a bunch of sepia-toned images that flow quickly into one another. Also, the song has been remixed into something less edgy and more ethereal. There's been violent disagreement on the boards about whether this is a good thing, an argument I'm going to stay out of other than to say that the new version of the song fits the new credits much better than the old one would have. New order: Kristen Bell, Jason Dohring, Percy Daggs III, Ryan Hansen, Julie Gonzalo (Parker), Chris Lowell (Piz), Tina Majorino, Michael Muhney (about time), Francis Capra, and Enrico Colantoni "as Keith Mars." All right, fine, I'll weigh in: I like the images, for the most part, but the new credits lack the ironic sunny energy of the old ones. Still, they're truer to the stated (if not always achieved) noir premise of the show. Verdict: Mixed. Nothing to start a war over, I'd say.
Fade up on Logan sitting on a bench when, from off-screen, a deep version of Veronica's voice intones, "You a bounty hunter, boy?" (The quote's from For A Few Dollars More.) Logan amusedly sighs that he shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. It's true -- Tony Curtis seems a lot more in character. As if to prove my point, Logan notes how butch Veronica is, and asks her to walk him to class. Veronica offers to carry his books as well, and they share a little smooch. You know, Veronica engaging in this sort of gender role-reversal seems vaguely familiar. I guess this means that we can look forward to Hannah suddenly coming back from boarding school with a little more meat on her bones. Logan tells Veronica to guess who he saw on campus. Veronica: "Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college." Heh. Exposition follows to the effect that Dick is enrolled at Hearst, despite the fact that Veronica thought he was "crashing with his dad in the Caymans." Oy. I really didn't want to have to get so nitpicky five minutes into the new season, but for one, if Big Dick's whereabouts aren't a secret, I can't believe the government wouldn't be pursuing extradition, considering how quickly I was able to find this. Logan adds that Dick's mom married Schwarzenegger's business manager: "I'm sure a call from the governor can get you in most colleges in the state." I'm not so sure that even a call from the governor could get a non-high-school graduate into a good college when, as we know, Dick failed Physics. And if you're going to tell me that he attended summer school in the wake of Beaver's death before he ran off to join his dad? Don't. Also, I think the governor's influence would be diminished by the fact that the favor is on behalf of a FEDERAL FUGITIVE. Then again, he's probably used to spinning such situations. Logan then seriously tells Veronica that Dick is a wreck because of Beaver "Greg Louganis-ing" off the roof (oof, I just got a mental picture of Louganis hitting his head on the diving board that time, OUCH), but Veronica tells him that it wasn't his fault. Logan: "Nothing's ever my fault!" Logan is obviously a self-Googler. A lot of posters thought it was inappropriate of Logan to bring up Beaver without considering Veronica's feelings, given that Beaver raped her and tried to kill her dad. Since she seemed completely over it practically ten minutes after it happened, though, I can't say I really blame Logan months later.
Chez Mars. Veronica enters with the mail, and sees a package from the "Sutcliffe Hotel."
Mars Investigations. Keith, at his desk, is futzing around with some weaponry when Vinnie Vanlowe enters. Yes, Vinnie is wearing the Members Only jacket, and yes, I giggle in glee upon seeing it. For someone who nitpicks so much, I can be awfully easy to please. Vinnie says that he could use Keith's help with an embezzling case, and holds out his fist: "Wonder Twin powers, activate." Hee. I just want to know who's going to get stuck putting the Gleek suit on Backup. Keith says that he's already on a case, and that he has to go out of town. Vinnie, somewhat distracted by the extensive array of guns on Keith's desk, picks up Keith's briefcase and says that he was thinking of getting one, but Keith stands and says he's busy. Vinnie: "Okay, okay. If you want to be that guy." The guy with more firepower than all the denizens of The Sopranos combined? He already is.
Chez Mars. Keith arrives home, and Veronica excitedly calls to him from her bedroom. He enters, and she tells him that a maid at their hotel found the flash card with all their vacation pictures on it. Keith exclaims, "Hot dog!" and then, at Veronica's quizzical look, explains that it's one of his fogeylicious expressions: "Joe and Frank Hardy and I used to say 'hot dog' all the time while we were waiting for the car hop to bring us our malteds at the drive-in." Hee. That kind of makes Keith the Chet, though, which makes me a little sad. Veronica gives Keith mild crap about showing up three days into the vacation, and then shows him a picture of them in front of what she misidentifies as the Empire State Building. Keith tells her that it's actually the Chrysler Building, but Veronica won't admit her mistake. I can forgive her not being familiar with what the doorways look like, but given that the building number is clearly visible, she could just hop on a search engine and settle the point. Especially since she's so enamored of fifty-fifty shots. Instead, Veronica snarks that Keith is getting senile, to which he amusingly is all, "What? Who?" Heh. Keith asks her if she made any friends on her first day of school. Veronica: "Lord, no." She then concedes that perhaps she made an enemy, and Keith is all, "It is a day that ends in a 'y'." Keith has gotten up to Season 4 of Buffy, I see. Keith tells Veronica that he's going to be gone chasing a bail-jumper, so Veronica says she'll hold down the fort. Keith informs her that he's put Backup in charge: "And he's been instructed to maul your boyfriend if he's here past midnight." Heh, but...good luck with that plan, Keith. You could dip Logan in bacon fat and all he'd get is a good tongue bath, not that he's not used to that. Veronica: 'Backup's in charge? What about the bitch he's been seeing?" Hee. Backup barks, all, "Please do not make bad puns about my sex life, which has been rather meager of late." Or, if you prefer, "ARF!"
Wallace is shooting a Nerf ball at a mini-backboard-and-hoop he has set up in his dorm room when his ostensible roommate enters with a box of stuff. Some people wondered why Wallace, not the richest kid we know, would be on-campus instead of living at home, but I assumed that it was just part of his scholarship deal. Wallace addresses him as "Stosh," but the kid asks him to call him "Piz" instead. I hope the origin of the name has nothing to do with sleepaway camp and warm water. (Actually, his full name is Stosh Piznarski, named after Mark Piznarski, who directed the first two episodes of the show.) Piz -- who's cute enough, and also looks like he could actually be in college -- knows Wallace's name, but says that there must be a mistake: he specifically requested a roommate who wasn't "uh...you know." Wallace looks all, "You better not be saying what I think you're saying," and given that the way the scene is edited makes it look Piz started talking back when Keith's lingo actually was current, I can understand why his temperature would be starting to rise. However, Piz's "joke" is that he didn't want a roommate who's better-looking than he is. A little clunky there, but genuine enough, it seemed to me. Wallace, pleased with the compliment, indicates the side of the room he took, and says he hopes it's cool. Piz: "No sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. I hope that's cool." Wallace holds the smile for a moment, and then gets serious as he says that's not cool at all. I hold the smile for a moment, and then tell Wallace to speak for himself. Piz and Wallace are hitting it off well, though, and Wallace asks if Piz has any more stuff...
...and then they're outside walking up to a small, and dirty, green car. (Check out Chris Lowell's calves when you get a second. Also, I should mention that he was on Life As We Know It, if that means anything to anyone.) Piz opens the hatchback to discover that all of his stuff, there five minutes earlier, is now gone. Piz frets, but Wallace says that he knows someone: "She'll get your stuff back." Ooh, wouldn't it be cool if Piz's stuff were stolen by a blind-but-not-really-blind fiddle player? Now that would be some foreshadowing. Commercials.
The Aerie Girls just make me want to offer another sacrifice up to the god of DVR.
Piz is unenthusiastically recounting the fact that Veronica is their age and a detective: "Is she also a cartoon?" Be patient, Piz. You can't hammer out these adaptation deals overnight. By the way, on the back of the door, there's a motivational poster from the basketball coach that reads, "Be strong in body, clean in mind, lofty in ideals." Strong calves or no, I think it's safe to say that Piz is not going to try to walk on. Wallace tells Piz a little about Veronica's familial history, but Piz says he thinks he'll just let the local law handle things. Until, that is, there's a knock on the door, which Piz opens to find Veronica. Piz, doing well to keep his tongue in his mouth, confirms her identity, and then amusingly does a bit of business where he tries to put his hand on the door frame and lean on it, but can't find a comfortable place to settle it. It's a lot funnier than it sounds. Veronica enters and asks where the "posters with beer and half-naked ladies" are. Heh. Wallace can't resist busting Piz's balls by telling Veronica that he's going to let the sheriff handle things, despite Piz's attempt to get him to abort with the throat-slashing "CUT!" motion. Heh. These two are really believable as roommates already. Love it. When Veronica turns back to Piz, he tells her that, in fact, he'd love her help. She informs him that she'll be charging him $500, payable only if she retrieves his stuff. That's...a pretty good deal on the surface, but still pretty steep for the average college student. Perhaps Piz and Veronica will be slinging hash at the same dorm cafeteria. Veronica mentions that she's giving him the "friend of a friend rate," but Wallace faux-seriously pipes up that he hasn't even decided if Piz is cool yet. Heh.
Outside, Piz is telling Veronica and Wallace what happened: He pulled into the parking lot, and there was a heavyset girl with a clipboard wearing a Hearst sweatshirt and cap. She checked his name off a list, told him where his dorm was (...he didn't know already?), and said that she'd keep an eye on his stuff while he found his room. Also, she claimed to be part of the "Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee." Veronica lists the items Wallace told her he lost: his clothes, his computer, his guitar.... Piz interrupts her to say that it's not just a guitar, but a 1967 Gretsch Astrojet Red Top. Given Rob Thomas's musical history, I think I can let this one slip through without a fact-check. Piz goes on: "It's like the Holy Grail of guitars, okay? I spent two summers mowing lawns just to earn enough to buy it." Good luck on getting a deeper discount now.
Piz, Wallace, and Veronica get to Piz's car. Veronica: "They stole your stuff and covered your car in dirt?" Heh. She notes that the lock wasn't tampered with, and Piz says that's because it wasn't locked. Veronica: "College campus. All your worldly possessions. Where are you from, Brigadoon?" Looks like Logan threw in a musical-theater marathon too. I only wonder if Veronica raised an eyebrow at Logan skipping around the room when "I Feel Pretty" came on. ["Come on. Charles Bronson couldn't sit still through that shit." -- Wing Chun] Piz kind of endearingly babbles that he's actually from a suburb of Portland (Oregon, I'm assuming) called "Beaverton" (...um), and says that they're salt-of-the-earth, good New Deal types... "Where they never ask rhetorical questions?" Veronica asks. Heh. I have to say, I'm going to be busting on Veronica a fair amount in this recap for what I see as her overly...well, above-it-all attitude, but her interactions with Piz seem pretty friendly and genuine. Wallace notices that someone's written "unwashed" in the dirt on Piz's car, and then Veronica tells "Beaverton" that they should go talk to his RA...
...and just like that, they're watching said RA, "Moe," make tea as he's like, "All your stuff? Frack! That blows." Veronica is literally like, "Qu'est-ce que c'est?" Moe explains that "frack" is a curse word from the future taken from Battlestar Galactica. How silly -- why not use a real word, like "frell"? Anyway, Moe informs them that the Welcome Wagon Committee doesn't exist. Piz and Veronica look at each other, all, "Oh, shit." I don't really know why -- did they think a group existed that went around stealing from kids with the school's knowledge? Given the cost of a college education these days, you'd think that's a game on which the administration would want to keep a monopoly.
Someone's getting out of jail, and that someone is Jason Beghe, last seen by me as Anne Heche's cuckolded and wheelchair-bound husband on Everwood. He also, however, played Gay Matt's HIV-positive Navy officer ex-boyfriend on Melrose Place. At first, though, I had him confused with the married guy who slept with Gay Matt, killed his own wife, framed Gay Matt for it, and then confessed what he'd done in his death throes. And that bit of confusion makes me realize more than ever that we have got to go back and recap that show. By the way, according to the IMDb, an interesting bit of trivia is that Beghe is partially responsible for getting David Duchovny into acting. I sense people's reactions to that news will be as varied as they are strong. Anyway, Beghe is playing, as we'll soon learn, the oft-mentioned but until now unseen Cormac Fitzpatrick, older brother of the charming Liam, and also partner-in-crime of Kendall Casablancas. Outside the prison, a car pulls up and stops in front of Cormac, and the driver is...Keith. Well, this may give us some answers as to what was in the briefcase. Of course, it'll turn out that Keith should have been more concerned with what is in the briefcase. Well, live and le...ooh, wrong expression. (Don't you love vague spoilers? Me too!)
Veronica's walking by when she happens upon the Take Back The Night rally. A black student, head shaven (although her head cap is only slightly less than blindingly obvious), is telling the crowd through a megaphone that the university's response to the crisis is inadequate: while it's true that the dorms are same-sex, she wants several other measures -- heightened security, better outdoor lighting, and most importantly, the closing of the frat houses. At that last bit, the cheers get mixed with boos from some frat boys. Veronica sees Mac, sidles up behind her, and is all, "Women. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch." Mac laughs and asks why they can't just look pretty and get their "M-R-S degrees." My opinion? Inappropriately flip, given how close Veronica's been to this situation. I'm glad they're happy to see each other, though, especially given that Mac doesn't seem to be doing too hot, in more ways than one. After expositing that her shrink is close to giving up on her, Mac tells Veronica, "Irony of all ironies? Frozen From The Waist Down's new roommate? She's a one-woman red-light district." Mac actually sounds to me more lightly jealous than contemptuous here, not that that's going to last. Just then, some dickheads hold up a boom box, and then a guy wearing nothing but a ski mask and tighty-British-flaggies cartwheels (!) up to the leaders of the rally and starts getting jiggy with a mannequin wearing sexy underwear and hair that's meant to look shaved. Mac notes that it's like they never left their high school, and she's more on to something than she realizes, as anyone who knows what country the Cayman Islands are a dependency of probably sees where this is going, but the girls toss the guy to the ground, and two of them hold him down as another one knees him in the balls. Between Beaver's death and this incident, the prospects for another generation of Casablancases are dimming rapidly. Sometimes the universe knows what it's doing. Yes, the girl rips off the guy's mask to reveal Dick's face. Veronica: "It's exactly like we never left Neptune High." Dick's in too much pain to tell her not to step on my punchlines as we go to commercial.
Keith and Cormac are driving along a dark, deserted road as Cormac compliments Keith on the job he did for Kendall: "That's a tough lady to make disappear. Tends to stand out." Insert your own joke about Charisma Carpenter's rack here. Also, as noted in the forums, it's annoying that Cormac refers to her by her fake name, but whatever, I guess. Exposition ensue, telling us that the reason Kendall had to disappear is that Liam is hot on her tail. Cormac says that he's going to spend the rest of his life on the beach with the woman he loves. Cool -- when do we get to meet her?
Veronica and a shirtless Logan lie in his bed at the Neptune Grand, and kudos to the P.A. who spritzed them up but good to make them look this sweaty. Whoever you are, if you want to make a little extra cash, we can put you to work in the forums. After some banter about Logan's prowess, Veronica promises that, after she gets some water, "[he's] gonna get [his] brains spooned out whether [he likes] it or not." I wonder if she means she's going to spoon him. It would be pretty awkward with their height differential, but I have the feeling Logan would be into the position enough that he'd be willing to make it work. As she sips the water, Veronica looks in the mirror, and VMVO points out that she's the one who laughed at the kids who tried to take their high-school romances to college. If she's having doubts at this moment, I'm thinking some of that sweat was faked. The phone rings, and Logan turns on the light and answers it. As we see that the time is 12:15, Veronica frantically runs and tries to stop him -- she forwarded the calls from her house -- but it's too late. Veronica tells Keith that Logan is just about to leave. Considering what he did right before the scene started, I wish he'd make up his mind.
In the car, Cormac shakes his head in amusement as Keith sighs into the phone, "Give Logan my regards as you're shaking his hand goodnight, and I'll be sure to call unexpectedly again." Oh, Keith. You're so cute. Cormac good-naturedly says, "They do grow up quickly," which could be taken to mean that he's Molly's father. We then learn that when Keith got Kendall out of town, she was carrying millions, so that means the briefcase simply contained the money Kendall got from her interest in Beaver's company. Given that we already knew she had that money, this seems like a pretty weak resolution for a season-ending cliffhanger. And also, if Keith was three days late to New York because he was making Kendall disappear, how is it that Liam got wind of her "good fortune" so quickly? That's the reason Kendall had to go into hiding, right? Cormac asks Keith what he spent his fee on. Keith: "Bought back my daughter's love."
Veronica and Piz get out of her new ride, a silver SUV of some sort. Don't email me the brand unless you're going to PayPal a product-placement fee along with it. Veronica explains that the car was Keith's attempt to atone for being late for the New York trip, and then Piz ruins my attempt to keep things generic by adorably goofily noting, "A Saturn for a Mars." Veronica adds, "In Neptune! The planets really aligned for this one. Now, move Uranus! The mercury is rising." Hee.
Sheriff's station. Sacks is telling Piz that four other people reported being ripped off by the Welcome Wagon, and all in the span of ninety minutes. Veronica surmises that they had a truck or a van, and asks for a list of the other victims. Sacks stagily looks over at Lamb's closed office door and apprehensively says that he's not sure he should tell her. By the way, Sacks is sporting a new fake mustache. Contract extensions can be full of the weirdest details. Veronica tells him that she'll find the bad guys and give him the names for the bust. "You know what that makes everyone, Sacks? A winner." Sacks looks at her, all, "I'll be interested to see exactly how I'm going to end up fired for this."
Veronica pedeconferences with one of the victims, who certainly replaced his bike awfully quickly, and confirms that a chubby blonde was the person who duped him.
Cut to Veronica walking out of the bathroom with some girl who's just taken a shower. She bitches that she was keeping a "podcast spoken-word thing" on her iPod, and now some thief has it: "What if they're listening to it?" Well, if they were smart enough to pull off this scheme, there's probably not much danger of that. Veronica then notes that the girl is a junior, while all the other victims are freshmen, and asks if she really didn't know that there's no such thing as the Hearst Welcome Wagon. The girl bitchily slams her message board-ed door in Veronica's face. Ooh, not supposed to have those on the door -- the fire inspectors are going to hate her. Not that they won't be in good company.
Outside, Veronica walks by a bulletin board, and then backs up, having seen something out of the corner of her eye -- an ad for The Unwashed, which, it turns out, is a punk band.
Cut to Veronica walking up to Mac's door. On it is a busy pink message board with Parker's name on it, and then a piece of masking tape with "Mac" written on it. Heh. Parker, a perky blonde, opens the door and gregariously lets Veronica in. She introduces herself, and then enthuses about how great Mac is, keeping up the chatter about their "instant sisterhood" as she turns her back to Veronica and changes her top. A little familiar, perhaps, but it is college. Veronica's weirded-out look seems a little misplaced, although it could be directed at the fact that Parker's not wearing a bra. Once she's decent again, Parker invites Veronica to come watch America's Top Model with her and Mac that evening. Veronica gets a little uppity about ANTM, which no, and then spies a Colin Farrell poster on the wall and asks, "Yours or Mac's?" Veronica looks slightly put out as Parker babbles about how soulful Farrell is. I'll admit that's not the word I would have chosen to describe him. Still, it's nice to see a college freshman actually acting like a college freshman. Mac enters at the moment and greets Parker with a "Hey" that has all the energy of Chris Farley at the end of a long weekend. Veronica invites her to see a band, and Mac quickly accepts. Parker is also in on the non-invitation, and turns to her closet to change her top again. It would have been somewhat rude for Veronica and Mac not to invite her, but jumping in like this isn't straight out of Miss Manners either. Commercial.
At the music venue, the three girls spy Wallace and Piz waiting for them. Veronica explains to Mac, "Our muscle. Short notice." Honey, what are you talking about? Wallace is ripped! And Piz...well, the calves are something, anyway. Parker asks if they're Veronica and Mac's boyfriends, and Mac gives this curt, snotty "No" that smashes passive and aggressive together so hard that all that's left of them is "paggrive." The poor things. Seriously, I'm not a fan of how Veronica behaved for a lot of the episode, but I think the problem was exacerbated by Mac's just being such a pill. So, your boyfriend couldn't have an open casket, and he's permanently ruined pancakes for you. Get over it! Anyway, introductions are made, and then Veronica faux-over-the-tops, "Are we ready to rock?" Mac's like, "No," and Wallace is all, "Not particularly." Veronica: "That's the spirit!" Despite the sarcasm bleeding from my TV, Parker gives a genuine "Woohoo!" Hee. I kind of love her.
Inside, some dude is "rocking" out on stage, and if this is what's being called punk these days, I can imagine the members of GWAR and the Dead Kennedys are in need of some serious therapy. More so than before, I mean. Of the non-Parkers in the group, Mac is ironically the only one who seems remotely to be having a good time, as the others look like they're in their first Rocks For Jocks class. Wallace particularly looks like he's about to chew through his own lip, but I think the music is too soporific to warrant that reaction. Parker, however, is dancing with some guys, and when Piz notes that she seems nice, Mac and Veronica give him a "The hell, you say" look. Uncalled for again -- she does seem nice, and regardless, what business is it of theirs if someone they've known for two seconds thinks someone else that all of them have known for two seconds seems nice? (Note to self: when taking characters to task, try to make sense.) The Unwashed, for that's who's playing, finishes its set, and Veronica gets up, saying that's her cue. Come on, Veronica! Show L7 how they do things in Neptune!
Veronica gets up on stage, gives it up for The Unwashed, and then tells everyone that her friend had everything stolen from the parking lot of "Bennis Hall"; she offers a hundred-dollar reward for any useful information. Veronica's arms, by the way, indicate that she bought out every temp tattoo place in a ten-mile radius. And if you've ever been to a coastal California town, you'll know that that would cost a pretty penny. ["Yeah? I thought she was in one of those sheer tattoo-sleeve shirts, though I don't know which of those two options would make Veronica more of a poser." -- Wing Chun]
Later, Veronica and Mac are hanging at a table as Mac wistfully watches Parker: "Look at her. She's like boynip." Heh. Three teenagers approach and tell Veronica that they saw who stole the stuff; they were there checking out the college girls lying out: "Some of them go topless." Say goodnight to Wallace and Piz's GPAs. The younger, dorkier-looking of the two speaking kids tells them in a Casey Affleck-in-Good Will Hunting accent that two black guys were throwing stuff, in a hurry, from a car into a white moving van with no windows. Veronica tells them that's jack, so no reward: "Motor, munchkins." Heh. They turn to go, but mini-Casey turns back and tells them that the blonde girl actually wasn't fat: "When she hopped in, she pulled off her sweatshirt. She had a slammin' bod. Girl was packed tight -- like she was wearin' a fat suit." Veronica's answering facial expression can be found in the dictionary under "..."
Mac wakes up to hear someone at the door libidinously asking for Parker. Recognizing the voice, Mac hesitates, and then opens the door to see Dick. They probably are aware that neither of them has the power to turn the other into stone with their gazes, but that's sure not stopping them from trying. Mac says that Parker's out with The Unwashed, and tries to close the door with a snide comment, but Dick pipes up, "My little brother never cared about you, you know? You were just his beard." I'm not going back into that discussion, so I'll just say yikes. I feel bad for Mac, but even worse for Jacob. Before we can see exactly how may shards Mac's face shatters into, an Asian woman -- probably an RA -- emerges in her bathrobe and forcefully tells Dick that he's not supposed to be there. Dick ostentatiously makes a speech about being a dumb freshman. You'll notice that no one rushes to demur. We also seem to learn that the dorms aren't quite as segregated as it seemed from the earlier comment: each floor is all-male or all-female, but the buildings as a whole are coed. Mac sadly watches Dick go.
Piz waits on a bench, and nervously fixes his hair and experiments with different sitting poses. Hee. He's so into Veronica already. Speaking of whom, she appears and hands Piz a bag of clothes, as she says that a friend of hers (Duncan, we can assume) can't use them anymore: "You look about the same size." I don't really think so -- Piz isn't skin and bones or anything, but Duncan looked like a carbohydrate-loving tank. Piz thanks Veronica, and she gives him more good news: his guitar popped up on Craigslist, and the seller lives just off campus.
Later, Veronica and Piz get out of her car in front of some house. Piz has put on a sleeveless shirt, which is the first really interesting wardrobe change so far, in my opinion. They knock, and some dude -- after confirming that they're there about the guitar -- lets them in. Inside, the guy tells Piz and Veronica that the girl he bought the guitar from sold it for $500, but that you can't find one for under five grand, although he's willing to sell it for four. He opens the case, and it's Piz's guitar, which he proves by correctly predicting that there are two picks from a store in Portland in the case. Veronica asks the seller to describe the girl who sold the guitar, and is told, "Blonde, thin, pretty smokin' bod?" Piz taps Veronica with a knowing dorky smile, and she looks at him, all, "The hard work's not DONE yet, genius." Heh.
Veronica heads back to Junior Bimbo's room as VMVO tells us that the current possessor, "Donald Fagin," offered to sell Piz his guitar back for the five hundred he paid for it. These little wink-to-the-audience references are fun enough for the most part, but I think enough people are familiar with the name Fagin that it spoils the A-plot. But my perspective might be skewed, given that my class performed Oliver! in fifth grade, and I narrowly got beaten out for the role of none other than Fagin. So perhaps I'm not the most representative sample. ["No, you're right. 'Fagin' has entered the lexicon; it's like if Beaver's real name had been Judas Casablancas." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, VMVO adds that a better plan would be to make the thief pay for the guitar. She knocks, and when Junior Bimbo opens the door, Veronica snaps her picture.
Veronica reads a note on Wallace and Piz's message board that says they've "gone bird watching." Hee.
Piz and Wallace are on the lawn, and let's just say the grounds crew will be able to give the sprinklers in this area the night off. Piz is lamely pretending to play Hacky Sack. Of course. Veronica shows Piz the girl in the picture, and asks whether she's the one who ripped him off, but he thinks the answer's no, although he might be more definitive if he hadn't lost so much blood recently. Veronica looks at Wallace and Piz and decides to cut her losses: "Okay! You two have fun being gross; I'll just continue trying to find your stuff on my own, with no help." Heh. Piz gets a good comeback with "That's why you make the big money!" Wallace then tries the Hacky Sack, but Piz doesn't even look at him. Hee.
Keith's car has broken down. Keith suggests that they walk a few miles to town, but Cormac expresses his opinion that the desert has too many pitfalls by way of talking about his time in the Army. He says that they should wait for someone to help them. Jason Beghe is such a scenery-chewer, but I kind of love it.
Veronica's back at Fagin's house, and shows him the picture she showed Piz. The guy is pretty sure that she's the girl who sold him the guitar. Changing tacks, Veronica spies a copy of Landry's Profiling book. She asks Fagin whether he did the mentoring program, and he tells her he did and gushes about its value. Veronica then grabs a photo and asks if it was taken off the Empire State Building or the Chrysler Building. She's told that it's actually the Space Needle, and sighs, "I have to remember not to debate my dad when it comes to architecture." It would be a nice thought if there were any chance she actually meant it. Veronica asks for a glass of water, and Fagin goes off to oblige her.
Landry's class. He wraps up, and Veronica goes up to Tim and asks about the mentoring program. We cut away before Tim tells her to apply online.
Tim's office. He hands Veronica a bunch of case files of underage female criminals. Veronica asks whether she has to mentor a girl just because Veronica's female herself. Tim: "Yes." Heh. Mac pops in and tells Tim that Landry needs him back in the lecture hall. He rushes out, and Mac gives Veronica a conspiratorial smile. Heh. She heads over to the file cabinet, checks out the boys' records, and discovers that mini-Casey Affleck is in the program.
Keith is asleep in the back seat when the tow truck arrives. I get that these scenes actually turn out to be important, but Keith really broke down in Dullsville here.
Logan and Veronica are eating in some shared space. She gives him a little shit for skipping classes, and he responds by giving her a copy of the keycard for his suite. She jokingly (but perhaps a little insecurely, especially given the Kendall incident from last season) asks what'll happen if she drops by unexpectedly and he has to kick the other girls out. Logan, however, tells her simply and sincerely, "You know there's no one else. I only want you." Ooh, rewind buttons across the country really took a beating on that one. Veronica gets a schmoopy look on her face, and it's nice to see her not act emotionally dead for once this episode...
...but the moment is interrupted by Dick's appearance, heralded by some crappy ADR from Veronica: "Look. It's your BFF! The town drunk." Dick sits down at a table with a random girl, "Didi," and grossly hits on her while expositing that he's already gotten kicked out of on-campus housing. Looks like Big Dick's going to be getting a call to the effect of "Vat is that son of yawz doing?" (Sorry, I tried to convey an Austrian accent, but on the page it comes out looking like an Austrian-New Jersey mix. And before I get stuck on that idea too long, let's move on.) Didi warns Dick that perhaps he'd be better served to walk away, but Dick smooves that he looks good walking away: "Ass like Marky Mark and the entire Funky Bunch." Hee. Just then, though, some enormous meathead comes out of nowhere and tosses Dick out of the chair. Logan, seeing where this is going, grabs Veronica's bag. It'd be pretty cool if she carried a cinderblock around in her purse for situations such as this. Sure it'd be heavy, but don't you think it'd be worth it? Anyway, the meathead whales on Dick a couple of times until Logan zaps him with Veronica's stun gun. Fine with me -- maybe Dick deserved one punch, but the guy was pretty clearly not about to stop. Dick ungratefully snarls at Logan, "What do you want, a hug or something?" He leaves. Piz appears behind Veronica and asks if that sort of thing works with college girls, since he's a lover, not a fighter. Well, he almost lost my love, as he's wearing an argyle shirt, but then I realized that the shirt is Duncan's, which makes it hilarious. It does look better on him than on Duncan or Logan, so that's a positive, too. Logan tells Veronica that he's going to talk to Dick, gives Piz an appraising glance, kisses Veronica, and then snarks, "Nice shirt." Hee. When Logan's gone, Piz exposits that Veronica asked him to meet her there. He's clearly (to us, but not to Veronica, which is nice work) bummed that she has a boyfriend. Veronica produces the photo that she snagged from Fagin's room in which he's got his arm around a heavy platinum blonde. Veronica asks Piz if she's the Welcome Wagon girl, and upon hearing an affirmative, she breathes a sigh of relief into the last commercial break.
So my understanding of how Veronica solved this case is this: the big clue was the graffiti on Piz's car advertising The Unwashed. Since Piz was away from the car for so short a time, it was extremely likely that the thieves were the ones who wrote it. Dumb, yes, but you saw whom we were dealing with. Veronica figured that the thieves would be at the show, so she tempted them with a reward for information, figuring they'd be too greedy not to reveal themselves. The mentoring thing was an overly lucky coincidence, to be sure, but it all hangs together fairly well, especially since I think Veronica had her suspicions about Fagin before she even found out about his involvement in the program. The only thing I think is weak is that Fagin was willing to take so little money for Piz's guitar. I mean, why not advertise it in L.A. and sell it for something close to its true worth? And advertising such a rare item in the area it was stolen? Even someone who hadn't basked in the glow of Professor Landry's wisdom would probably be able to figure out that that's not such a hot idea.
Hey, what's with the six-act structure here? New credits are one thing, but this is crazy.
Veronica is explaining to Sacks what she found out. The only new information we get is explicit confirmation that Fagin mentored the three kids.
Outside the back of Fagin's house, Piz asks Veronica why the kids would have talked to them. She says it was to throw Veronica on the wrong track, which is an asinine idea not worthy of her (drawing attention to themselves to throw them on the wrong track when Veronica and Piz weren't even on a track? Come on), so I'm going to stick with my thought that the kids wanted to make some more money. She adds that they repeated their story to Fagin so that they would match (hence Fagin's comment about the "smokin' bod"). I trust that Fagin, in relaying the kids' account to his girlfriend, left out the part where they said she was wearing a fat suit. Although we haven't seen her around, now, have we? Piz asks why Veronica solves crimes, and she jokes that it's for the "cold hard cash." Well, yeah. Piz presses on, though, saying that Wallace told him about Lilly. Veronica gets prickly, saying that maybe she does it because she's good at it: "Wallace should stick to analyzing himself." Sure, but what's he going to do once those two minutes are up? I liked this little exchange, though. It's refreshing to see a character sincerely interested in someone else.
Just then, Sacks emerges from the house with Fagin and another deputy in tow. Fagin is nervously babbling, but then he sees Veronica and Piz, who sunnily wave to him. Did I mention that they're sitting in lawn chairs? Because it kind of adds to the awesomeness. Veronica remarks, to Piz, that this is why she does it, and I'm willing to give her partial credit for that answer. Anyway, the garage is full up with stolen merchandise, so it looks like Fagin will have a chance to put that profiling knowledge to use first-hand. Veronica toasts Piz: "Boom goes the dynamite." Heeee hee hee. For those of you unaware, that reference is pulled from a college sports newscast gone horribly wrong that you can see here. Thanks very much to Joe R for the link, who wrote, "I've never cringed so much in my entire life, and that's not an exaggeration." I've never laughed so much in my entire life, which just goes to show the difference in the length of time we've been at this job. Or that I'm a horrible person. Not mutually exclusive, there. Heeee, though. "Boom goes the dynamite." Ha ha. Hee. Piz enjoys the moment, but then awkwardly looks down and asks if "that guy from last night" is Veronica's boyfriend. Veronica gets an "Oh, shit" look on her face.
Keith and Cormac finally get to their destination, and Kendall comes jiggling out and jumps into Cormac's arms. I'm thinking that was a one-take deal, because her rack plowing into him at that speed is no joke for either side.
Veronica finds Mac sitting outside her room, who bitterly tells her that Parker's in there with some guy, and that their tickets are inside, stuck to the mirror, "above her suggestion box and tip jar!" Geez. Someone needs to get laid, and we know it's not Parker or Veronica. Veronica: "Well, frack." Heh. Another badly-dubbed line ensues, as Veronica tells Mac to give her Mac's keys. She enters, and hears Hearst College Radio playing. As many posters pointed out, it's chilling to watch this when you know what's really going on in the other room. Brrrr. Veronica grabs the tickets, and I can only imagine that, later on, she's going to wish she were more of a voyeur.
Keith is eating cake with Kendall and Cormac when he realizes that he left Cormac's travel documents in the car. On the way, he looks like he realizes that he left something in the house, but decides that it can wait. He opens his briefcase and grabs the documents, but is horrified to see that there's also a pen inscribed with "Vincent Van Lowe Investigations." Of course, it's ludicrous that it would be so inscribed -- you'd want to put the listening device in as nondescript a pen as possible, so if the spyee came across it, there would be a chance that he wouldn't get rid of it. This is one of those situations where it's hard to trust the audience, though, and I wouldn't be surprised if the network were involved. Keith breathes, "Vinnie, please tell me you're not working for Liam." He opens the glove compartment to discover that his gun is missing. He runs into the house to see Cormac fire two shots into a room offscreen, and then Cormac turns the gun on him and fires another shot that Keith barely manages to avoid. He runs, trips over a rock, and hides as Cormac emerges from the house and tells him that he'll pick up his carcass in the morning. I don't know -- if I were Cormac, I'd certainly want to see the job finished now, despite his whole "the desert is so dangerous, blah blah" speech from earlier. Maybe he's concerned that Keith has another weapon, but given that he didn't have one drawn when he entered the house, that seems terribly unlikely. I take it, too, that Keith left his car keys in the house, so he's stranded. Cormac retreats into the house as Keith wonders what the hell to do now.
I should add that a lot of posters are thinking that Kendall's still alive. Not likely. The idea that they would stage this solely for Keith's benefit (when they didn't know he'd even be an audience for them) doesn't really make sense. Of course, it doesn't completely make sense for Liam to have been dogging Kendall the way he was if Cormac planned to kill her, but I'll let that slide. I think that the death wasn't shown simply in order to tone down the violence -- network stuff again, but it's the world we live in. Anyway, we'll probably find out soon enough. I liked this subplot, though -- it's one of the strengths of the show that sloppy detective work usually gets punished, and Keith was horribly complacent from start to finish here. I mean, you've put five Fitzpatricks in jail, one of them tried to kill you, and you trust this guy? Enough to fall asleep in his presence and not keep a tight grip on your gun? But it's a nice noir-ish touch that the world is darker than Keith hoped it was. Money and murder over love -- good stuff. Of course, that doesn't necessarily make it a great fit with Gilmore Girls, but maybe Rory will turn into a serial killer this season. It could happen!
Neptune Grand. Logan's bushing his teeth on the balcony (okay, it's a nice view, but...) when there's a knock at the door. He tosses the toothbrush aside and opens the door to find Dick. Dick's hair looks like he's been hanging out with the drunken stylist from A Flock Of Seagulls, so I think we're meant to infer that he's hit rock bottom here. He tells Logan that he has nowhere else to go, and Logan, having had some experience with rock bottom himself, looks hit hard as he tells Dick he can stay with him. Dick breaks down, and Logan puts a hand on his neck as Dick tells him, "I messed up bad." Is he referring to how he treated Beaver generally? Ambiguous. Logan hugs a sobbing Dick. They're going to have to work hard to make me care about Dick's emotional problems, but Ryan Hansen's done some real solid work on this show, so I'm keeping an open mind.
Mac and Veronica return to Mac's dorm as we see that Veronica's amusingly tipsy on Irish coffee. The banter's fun, and I like to see these two like this, but we've got balder fish to fry here. Rather than drive home (so Veronica's not living on campus, which makes sense), she crashes on Mac's couch.
In the morning, Mac and Veronica are awakened by screams. They're coming from a bald Parker, who's the latest rape victim. I talked a lot about Piz, but Julie Gonzalo is a fine addition to this cast, I tell you what. That was chilling, and Veronica and Mac look stunned as we cut out.
I feel good about this mystery. I already care about Parker, and that goes a long way. Now if Veronica herself gets invested, we'll be cooking with gas. Let's see what happens -- week!