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So, what doesn't happen this episode? We begin by learning that Veronica has chlamydia, which (a) she got from Duncan (who might have gotten it from Kendall, maybe?), (b) she got from Logan last summer, or (c) she got from some other dude we've never heard about. (By the way, Microsoft, "chlamydia" is not a proper name and does not need to be capitalized. Unless it turns out Chlamydia was the Greek Muse of itchy crotches). And then Gia asks Veronica to help her deal with a little stalking problem. At first, it seems as though the stalker is Leo, but it turns out Leo was just hired by the Woodman to provide private security to Gia. But, then we learn there's a real stalker, who delivers video footage of Gia watching her little brother play soccer, leading Veronica and Keith to conclude that the stalker is the same person who was making creepy videos of the Woodman and his family. While this is going on, the Woodman calls Keith to a seedy motel, where he has a woman who's passed out in his bed and needs to get to the hospital. Keith agrees to take her there and keep it quiet so Woody can avoid a scandal, but then the news leaks out, and Woody accuses Keith of getting the woman drunk. The woman herself has disappeared, making me wonder whether Woody didn't set the whole thing up as a trap for Keith. The ensuing flap causes Gia to get angry at the entire Mars clan, throwing a little bug into the stalker investigation. Fortunately, Veronica is persistent in the face of personal rejection, and soon discovers that the stalker is Lucky, the janitor. Veronica and Gia find themselves in Lucky's little lair, admiring his big knife, and it's a bit scary. As scary as someone named "Lucky" can be. Keith rescues them, and when Sheriff Lamb tries to chase Keith away, he handcuffs himself to Lucky, leading to Lucky almost making a jailhouse confession to Keith as to why he's after Woody. And on top of all of that, there's some serious prom drama going on. Serious drunken behavior on the senior class trip causes the school to cancel the prom, so Logan and Dick decide to host their own "alterna-prom" at the penthouse. Logan invites Veronica, but makes it clear that this special party is for rich folks only. So, of course, Veronica isn't too particular about preventing some non-rich kids from finding out about it. Mac finds herself dragged along with Butters, and Jackie and Wallace decide to make a grand night of it. Three important things happen at the prom: (1) Veronica totally (but subtly) rips on Madison for her thing with Sheriff Lamb; (2) Jackie and Wallace do the nasty; and (3) drunk Logan confesses his regret over losing Veronica, and almost kisses her. Veronica (of course) runs away from the kiss, but returns the morning to tell Logan that she doesn't want him out of her life. By then, he has completely forgotten his drunken confession, and Veronica finds Kendall in the penthouse with her metaphorical tentacles wrapped all around Logan. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Neptune High. Veronica walks down the hallway, as VMVO basically informs us that she has chlamydia. I'd think that would mean she's at the point where she has no secrets from the viewers, if I hadn't actually watched the show before. But, as many posters pointed out, chlamydia is a very contagious and common STD, so the writers (and the network) deserve props for some realism here. Of course, when Duncan gave Veronica that fortune, I doubt this is what he had in mind, but it does seem fitting that this is the last remnant of "V/D." Veronica catches Wallace and Jackie in a pose where you can hardly tell where one of them ends and the other begins. Despite this, she resists the urge to call them by a portmanteau name, which just means Veronica's a girl more after my own heart than even I realized. Instead, she puts a spin on a classic: "Get a room -- in Australia." Well, Veronica, even over there they're going to be sickening. The best you can hope for is that their tongues will swirl in the opposite direction. No offense to the happy-for-the-foreseeable-future couple, though, and let's move on, before we start grousing about how short that foreseeable future is (thanks to the CW executives' decision to keep everyone who cares about this and any other show they own in nail-biting suspense). Jackie giddily says that she and Wallace have given in to the whole prom experience. She was pretty giddy at the Homecoming Dance, too, but this time the feeling seems to be somewhat less chemically induced. She says that since prom only happens once, why not go all out? Mac appears at this moment, and grouses, "Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters?" The bitter apparently aren't big fans of rhetorical questions. Veronica starts, "I didn't think he'd actually..." and it's a good thing Mac cuts her off right there, because whatever Veronica was going to say was likely to smell bad enough to completely put me off my dinner. Mac: "He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine. We're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home." Write your own joke about the Hindenburg here. Jackie and Wallace giggle at Mac's misfortune, because if there's one thing that makes a newly-reunited couple less nauseating, it's their overwhelming sympathy for the romantic plights of others. Anyway, Mac starts to threaten suicide, which might be a slight overreaction, but then Clemmons's voice comes over the PA, announcing that due to numerous alcohol violations on the senior trip, prom has been canceled. Looks like Madison's prediction about people puking off Batman The Ride was way more astute than I realized. The extras let out groans that aren't likely to send a lot of agents to their phones, if you get my drift. Mac, however, rejoices: "Prayer works!" I hope so -- the forum posters are counting on it.
Keith answers his phone, greets The Woodman, and is quickly at...
...the Camelot Motel. Wow, the last time we were here, Logan and Veronica had their big first kiss, so I wonder -- oh. Sorry about that. The effect one sentence can have on the smelling-salts industry. Anyway, Keith enters a room to find a woman in her skivvies passed out on the bed, and a wifebeatered Woodman claiming, "It's not what it looks like." Well, I'm not sure I buy that. On the one hand, it looks like an ugly scene, which seems beyond debate. On the other hand, it looks like The Woodman might be straight, but on that point, I'm certainly still willing to hear arguments. Anyway, The Woodman claims that the woman is with the incorporation campaign, and that they had a few cocktails and yada yada yada, and I'm triply thankful for the word "yada" at the moment. The Woodman begs for Keith's help, and Keith, with extreme reluctance, agrees to take the woman to the hospital.
Presumably soon after, a three-quarters-dressed Woodman checks that the coast is clear, and then Keith hustles to his car with the woman in his arms. When she's loaded in, The Woodman says that he owes Keith big-time. Given later events, Keith probably should have negotiated terms of repayment up front.
Veronica's doing something yearbook-related in the journalism room when Gia rushes in and breathlessly tells Veronica that she's being stalked, and asks for tips. Veronica: "Dancing around in your underwear with the curtains open is always good." Hee. Gia clarifies what means: she wants to catch the guy, because he keeps following her around in a car. Veronica, not exactly stoked -- although I don't completely blame her (even though Gia has kind of grown on me, and I think Krysten Ritter is kind of awesome) -- half-heartedly asks for more information, and Gia tells her that, a week earlier at karaoke, she dedicated a song to a table of cute guys: "But then I realized they weren't cute -- they were dweeby Pan High guys, and not the nice nerd kind." If it were anyone else, I'd wonder how she didn't realize the guys weren't cute right away, but Gia's brain lagging far behind her mouth makes sense any way you slice it. Gia asks whether Veronica can work some PI magic. Veronica: "For you? The daughter of the most powerful man in town? That's a marker I want." She invites Gia to her house after school, and the latter nods with a confused look on her face, probably because she's wondering what the hell Sharpies have to do with anything they were talking about.
Mars Investigations. Keith enters to find a box on Veronica's desk. He opens it to find some sketches of a guy that...well, not only does he have a face that only a mother could love, but even that looks to be pushing it, since he appears likely to have weighed about sixteen pounds at birth. Before Keith can think about that, though, he notices a pair of female legs sitting in his office, and asks whether he can help them...er, "her." Kendall unabashedly stands and chides him for not keeping his office locked. Um, yeah. She tells him that she wants her hard drive back, and after some talk about the drug-dealing, almost-murdering Irish company she keeps, Keith asks whether Big Dick knew about Kendall's house, her jail time, or her identity switch. Considering that Kendall got away with screwing Logan in enough positions that they needed an addendum to the Kama Sutra, I think it's a safe enough bet that Big Dick was unaware of those slightly less sordid details about his wife, as well. Kendall, declining to answer, hands Keith a self-addressed stamped cardboard box, and says that if the hard drive is returned by Friday, she won't press charges.
Kendall heads out, but Veronica enters, and greets Kendall with a "Mrs. C! I trust you're well." Kendall says something about trouble, and Veronica takes the opportunity to point out that trouble starts with "T," which rhymes with "C," which stands for...and Keith snaps Veronica's name. Damn, I can't imagine where she was going with that. Maybe I'll figure it out by the end of the episode. Anyway, Keith asks what the doctor said. Veronica: "Well, you got your money's worth." Heh. She then lies that she's fine, and I guess that after all the snarking on Kendall, she's too lettered out to say "STD." She asks Keith to borrow the remote cameras that night. Keith asks why she needs them, and Veronica says that it's for a school project. Keith cutely sing-songs that he doesn't believe Veronica, so she comes clean about the stalking, although she doesn't mention Gia as the stalkee. Strange choice there, it seems to me, but she does tell him soon enough. Anyway, Keith offers a trade -- Veronica can use the camera if she sends a copy of the sketch we saw earlier to everyone on their business contact sheet. This is why Veronica never tells you anything, Keith. The sketch is of the guy who hired the hooker to steal Cliff's briefcase. Veronica, with a combination of sincere- and faux-sympathy, notes that the hooker stole Cliff's heart as well, and Keith agrees that she must have been something: "'Cause he WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT." Hee. You could always call Loretta Cancun, Cliff. She really seemed to like you!
Veronica's bedroom. Veronica opens her laptop, and tells Gia that she has cameras on the roof, so if Gia was followed there, they should be able to spot the stalker. Gia opines that it's very Mission: Impossible: "I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is gonna dangle from the ceiling on cables." Veronica looks up: "I hope he doesn't try to marry me." Well, I'd sleep with one eye open, Veronica, because you certainly fit his ideal height profile. Anyway, once the image of the street appears, Gia quickly spots the car, which she says is "totally nondescript." Veronica identifies the car as a 2002 Silver Galant, and Gia suggests that they order the guy a pizza to freak him out. I'm glad I know which one out of this pair is the PI, because it's not readily apparent from their conversation. Anyway, Veronica zeroes in on the license plate ("IOU875", FYI), and quickly identifies him as "Leonardo D'Amato." Gia asks what kind of loser that is, and I'd say it's the kind that steals the originals of evidence tapes when he only needs one copy. See what I mean about the bitter and rhetorical questions? (Keith may not have told Veronica about that, though, it's worth noting.) Veronica also answers: "Greek Italian. I used to go out with him." Yes, and given that, you'd think he might have known what he was in for at this particular location. Well, at least I like him. Credits.
Neptune High. Veronica catches Logan in the hallway. They debate whether she's looking like talking to him is preferable to either spelunking or making out with a broken bottle. I don't know whether either of those descriptions is an accurate assessment of her facial expression, but I will concede that Logan's guess that she's about to say something awkward couldn't really be more spot-on. Veronica asks whether Duncan might have been with -- "and by 'with' I mean 'with'" (hee) -- someone other than Meg, and Logan sighs that there was a blonde girl who "smelled of marshmallows and promises." Wow, it's like he heard her voice-over at the end of the pilot. Veronica points out that "Promises" is the name of her perfume, causing Logan to smile somewhat unflatteringly (think "Alvin and the..."), and then ask why Veronica wants to know. Veronica says that it's for a college application, but she's purposely unconvincing in her delivery. Also making this declaration somewhat unconvincing is the fact that she's already been accepted to college. Take your pick. Logan -- who, with all his sexual experience, would have to be pretty slow on the uptake not to realize the likely reason for Veronica's question -- says that Duncan didn't talk about his sex life much: "But he'd blush, and shower a lot. That's how you'd know he was getting some." I'd wonder why we never saw that, but all the red stain it would have required may have been too expensive for the show's budget. Veronica gives a grand speech about forgetting everyone in high school, a sentiment I can at least in a broad sense certainly understand, but Logan gives her an invitation to his "Alterna-Prom," which requires formal attire, but otherwise has no rules. I'd wonder whether the fact that it takes place on Friday the 13th is supposed to signal bad luck, but on this show, what are the chances that a detail like that could be important? Veronica notes the irony of the '09ers getting the prom canceled and then hosting their own private one, and then turns him down flat. When Logan tells Veronica that she can bring whoever she wants, though, she says she'll consider coming. The Squee-Meter clocks out of the scene at 5.
Java The Hut. Private Citizen Leo is telling Veronica that he's working private security now, and that he was surprised to hear from her. Leo asks about her love life, which she says is terrible, and he tells her that his is as well. They could just as easily be talking about their shows' ratings, but maybe they didn't want to get really depressed. At least Leo got a flattering haircut out of Modern Men. Anyway, Leo is pretty obviously giving off the vibe that he'd get back on board the good ship Veronica in about two seconds flat, although I wonder whether the recent leakage would delay his entry. But that's not what Veronica has in mind, as Gia appears, and Veronica asks why Leo's been stalking her. Leo confesses that The Woodman hired him as security for Gia, along with another guy, "Earl," who's probably parked outside. One would hope he's parked at a more professionally discreet distance than Leo managed, but competence in this line of work doesn't tend to go unpunished in Neptune. Leo adds that he doesn't know why The Woodman wanted the security, but that there was probably "some sort of threat." That's about the right level of vagueness to qualify as some sort of Gia Terror Alert. I'm guessing the colors on that meter are pretty trippy. Leo kind of heartbreakingly realizes that Veronica only wanted to see him on business, and she doesn't soften that blow at all. Sigh. He really was very nice to her, not that that isn't a recipe for viewers shorting out their remotes with sleep-induced drool. Anyway, when Leo's gone, Gia notes that "he's cute, in a tough, mumbly kind of way." Shout-out? Actually, I thought his diction was much improved in that scene, but he's already forgotten, so I'll move on. Gia wonders whether the security "has anything to do with that thing with your dad." Veronica's all, "Huh?," so Gia pulls out a copy of the paper, which has a picture of Keith and an article about The Woodman being questioned about Keith taking the woman, a "campaign staffer," out of the Camelot. Gia says that she doesn't know what the big deal is, because Keith "was just doing what he was hired to do." Veronica stares at Gia in disbelief, since Keith never takes his business to the South Side. Unless you count Cuba.
The Woodman's office. Keith marches in holding up a copy of the paper, and lights into The Woodman for the comments he made in the article, since he blamed Keith for getting the staffer drunk: "I help you, and this is what I get?" Glad you're following along, Keith. The Woodman closes the door to his office, and babbles that there was a camera somewhere or other in the motel; with the incorporation vote coming up, he couldn't tell the truth. Keith says he thinks that The Woodman is confused, and adds, "I'm voting against incorporation." From the stunned look on The Woodman's face, you'd think Keith had said he was voting against Police Academy residuals.
Chez Mars. It's dark out as Gia arrives. She babbles that her dad told her the security was just part of "normal election precautions," and agreed to terminate it since it was creeping Gia out. However, she then got home and found a DVD...
...of Gia's brother Rodney playing soccer. Wow, he takes piano lessons, plays soccer, and is part of some seriously weird ritualism. It's nice to see a young kid so well rounded. The footage also shows Gia and The Woodman on the sidelines, and Veronica opines that something creepy's going on. Well, if The Woodman wasn't involved in something creepy, it wouldn't be...Sunday. (Fucking Nets.) Commercial.
Neptune High. Veronica finds Gia in the journalism room, as Gia complains about having to meet her deadline. I'd invite her to pull up a chair and tell me about it, but I don't have time at the moment. Veronica pops in the DVD and quickly notes a mother-type shooting almost directly across from the mysterious cameraman; she thinks that the mother probably caught him on her tape at some point, which should put them in business. Unless, of course, her kid let in the winning goal and she got rid of the recording. Not all parents in Neptune are into scarring their children for life, contrary to what we've been led to believe on this show.
Mars Investigations. Keith is telling his reporter buddy that although he's worked for The Woodman, he never investigated any campaign leaks, and certainly never used alcohol to facilitate questioning. Not purposely, anyway, although I'm sure he blurted "Where the hell have you been?" more than a few times over the years when Lianne came staggering home. The reporter tells Keith that he might want to put this on the record, since The Woodman has been implying that he caught Keith taking advantage of the staffer, "Jennifer Stansfield." Also, Ms. Stansfield disappeared from the hospital before being treated, and now no one can track her down. Well, considering the hangover she must have, I'd start with all the places she could get either aspirin or Bloody Marys. Or, ideally, both.
Neptune High. Wallace is suggesting that, in lieu of the prom, he and Jackie could have a lovely evening at a batting cage. Yes, a night that reminds both of you not only of Jackie's dad, but also of what weapon he's likely to use on you should you boink his daughter seems like an ideal romantic getaway. Perhaps you can go watch some pigs being castrated on the way to the motel. Anyway, Jackie nixes that idea, because she probably still wants to wear her dress and have a hope of looking good in it in the future. Jackie then mentions that she's going to visit her dad in the hospital that afternoon. She gushes that her dad finally has time for her, and if I were Wallace and insecure, I'd wonder whether the fact that she's so happy to get attention from a captive audience says something about her standards, generally. After Jackie makes a comment about "male wishful thinking," Veronica joins the lovebirds, and tells them, with reasonable enthusiasm, about Logan's prom, and they in turn seem excited, particularly since Wallace claims that when he puts on a tux, he makes "James Bond look like Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel." Some folk'll never engage in male wishful thinking, but then again, some folk'll. Mac Velmas her way up, hoping that Butters doesn't know about the Alterna-Prom, and then Corny Shaggily joins them, and asks whether they said "Alterna-something." Veronica looks up at Corny with wry amusement. Not that I don't like Corny in small doses, but I still think you can do better for a date, Veronica, if, like, from a conversational standpoint, like, alone, or whatever.
Hospital. In addition to his daughter, Cook apparently has some quality time available for Keith. I'd think thathis convalescence would be a lot farther along, considering it seems like he was shot seventeen years ago. But when events such as these unfold off-camera, they tend to be forgotten a lot more easily. (Like, wasn't there some saintly blonde girl earlier this season? What happened to her?) Cook tells Keith that he broke into Naima's parents' house because she told him she was writing a tell-all book about him, and he was worried they'd find it. Keith points out that breaking into the house of someone whose parents he's accused of killing might not have been the best plan for Cook's public image, and I'd add that the story sounds a little fishy, since he waited an awfully long time to try to recover the manuscript. I mean, it's not like it only started being a threat to Cook after he was accused -- he still would have stood to lose all those endorsements and his Hall of Fame status and whatever other crap he was worried about, as he himself points out. Cook barely has time to assert his innocence before Jackie shows up, and after a friendly greeting, Keith leaves. Jackie and her dad share a nice moment. Aw, what could go wrong there?
Chez Mars. Gia has managed to get the recording from that soccer mom, and Veronica quickly determines that the mysterious cameraman was wearing a varsity letter jacket and driving a red pickup. We follow that lead into another commercial break.
Chez Mars. Keith discovers that his morning paper is gone, but then reenters the kitchen to see it and Veronica. Not that I wouldn't have guessed this, but it really looks like sleuthing should not be attempted on a coffeeless stomach. Veronica playfully gives Keith shit for the rumor about him getting the girl drunk. It's nice that she's so laid back about it, but a girl like Veronica, who's had absolutely (Lianne) no (Lianne) experience (Lianne) with the ugly side of alcohol, is bound to be more flip than your average. Veronica rushes off to cast her incorporation ballot, and then Keith opens the Exposition Times to reveal that the vote is too close to call, and also that he publicly denied involvement in the Ms. Stansfield business, and pointed the finger at The Woodman. Also, Ms. Stansfield is only twenty-five, and I'd say something about that being young for The Woodman if I didn't already suspect that that's soon going to be alabaster in comparison.
Veronica. Voting booth. NVMVO. "No." See how easy recapping is?
Neptune High. Logan catches Dick in the hallway and asks him whom he's taking to the Alterna-Prom. Given that the name brings to mind an alternate universe, I'm thinking Dick should bring a date who likes him for him, with whom he can have deep conversations and long walks on the beach, and...okay, that will never happen. But in keeping with the alternate-universe idea, he should at least grow a goatee. Dick gamely tries to sell the idea that he's hot on going stag, but Logan sees through him like he's a very thin plate-glass door, guessing that he can't find a date: "Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you." Hee. Corny reefers his way up and asks whether they need him to bring anything to "the big bash," since he knows how to do "pot luck." Since a lot of stereotypical stoner types are also aspiring musicians, I'll put this request in terms Corny might understand: learn a new note, kid. Anyway, despite Dick's rather convincing attempt to play dumb, Corny is clearly talking about the Alterna-Prom, causing Logan to look away and mentally calculate how much the Grand will charge for extra security to keep out poor people. Don't worry -- Weevil already knows the, um, back way.
Neptune High. Veronica is checking cars against a list as VMVO tells us some uninteresting stuff about kids and their rides. Get it in gear, VMVO; at this point in the season, we should be hanging on your every word. Anyway, Gia appears -- suddenly looking less like a high-school student and way, way more like a drag queen -- and bitches Veronica out for what her "stupid dad" is doing. Easy on the snark, there, Gia. That was commentary, not advice. Gia stomps off in an enormous snit, or in as enormous a snit as someone dressed entirely in mismatched pinks and purples can possibly manage.
Chez Mars. Keith watches as a newscaster announces the demise of the incorporation bill, citing The Woodman's ongoing scandals (...? I thought the settlement was a secret, and what else was there?) as a potential reason. It is a rather shocking defeat for a guy who was elected unopposed, but political turnarounds do seem to be the order of the year. (Squee-Meter: 8.) Veronica arrives home in a cute camo jacket, sees the story, and notes, "So Neptune has to keep us." It's just that time of year that I'm seeing renewal undertones everywhere. Veronica pops in the stalker DVD, prompting Keith to show Veronica the "it's taping from inside the house" footage that Logan revealed to him and The Woodman a few episodes ago. Keith orders Veronica to leave Gia's tape with him and drop the investigation: "This is more than just some obsessed schoolkid, and I don't want you sticking your nose in." Well, Veronica's nose could use the break, but I doubt it's getting its hopes up.
Veronica's folding sketches of the suitcase-nabber-setter-upper when Mr. Wu chides her for not studying: "If you wanted clerical hall, you should have signed up for clerical hall." Might as well save up the sarcasm for year, Wu -- it's wasted on the college-bound. Logan comes in late, mildly bitches Veronica out for inviting so much riffraff to his party, and then notices the sketch. Veronica notes a look of recognition, and gets Logan to reveal that it looks like his dad's cellmate. A quick check of that scene proves him to be quite correct. Now that we know he's linked to Haaron, I wonder whether this guy's going to turn up dead with "Veronica Mars" written on some body part of his. He certainly has some space to sell advertising. In an episode that frankly, especially if you pay attention to the editing, contains quite a bit of filler, I'm surprised we didn't see Veronica relay this information to Keith. On the other hand, if Veronica and Keith shared everything they knew, criminals wouldn't even bother coming to Neptune, and then what kind of show would we have?
Speaking of filler, Jackie's back with her dad, talking about the Alterna-Prom, and the only noteworthy moment is when she tells him that "Wallace and [she] are doing the whole thing." Cook doesn't bat an eye at this, so either they have a freer relationship than most fathers and daughters do, or the painkillers in this hospital are so mellow that Corny would break his arm just to get his hands on some. Anyway, Cook thinks maybe Jackie's too serious about Wallace, but she says that she's leaving for Paris soon, and has no illusions. Okay, we'll go with that.
Neptune High. VMVO tells us that it's deadline night at the Navigator, and that she's been waiting to try to walk out with Gia to try to warn her about her dad, but Gia's giving her the Arctic shoulder. Veronica tries to strike up a conversation, but is rebuffed, and gives it up as a bad job.
On her way out, Veronica passes Lucky, and they share a friendly hello. Apparently they've come a long way in each other's eyes since the time they only knew each other as Logan's intense idiot friend and Logan's Xterra girl, respectively. Which is nice for both of them. However, that newfound goodwill is not long for this world...
...because, in the parking lot, Veronica sees the red pickup parked in the maintenance spot and realizes that it belongs to Lucky. She calls Keith and urgently relays the information to his voicemail, and then wonders why the hell she and Keith don't have some kind of Bat-emergency comm system already, as we go to commercial.
Back inside the school, VMVO says that fifteen minutes is all she could wait: "Have taser, will travel." She hears some sort of Gia-esque noise coming from somewhere, which really could mean anything, and she finds her in Lucky's supply area or whatever. The door is ajar, and Lucky is showing Gia something Iraq-related. Gia asks whether being there was "freaky," and Lucky asks, "You wanna see freaky?" Gia just looks uncertain, obviously unable to hear Veronica's mental screams of "You're staring RIGHT AT it!" To be fair to Lucky, the creepy red light isn't really helping. Lucky pulls up one side of his shirt to reveal a scar, which he says was caused by a roadside bomb. If he shows her the other wound we know about...well, make your own joke about putting the "ass" in "harassment." Veronica starts waving to try to get Gia's attention surreptitiously, but Gia, entranced by Lucky's, um, charms, says that she ought to do a human-interest story on him. And here I thought you were against newspaper articles that defamed your dad, Gia. I'd tell her to make up her mind, but you won't be surprised to learn that I don't think that's her strong suit, for more than one reason. Anyway, Lucky offers to show Gia something else, which thankfully is in some sort of cabinet rather than his pants, so while he's occupied looking for it, Veronica finally gets Gia's attention. Gia attitudinally blurts, "What do you want?" Well, Veronica wanted to get you out of there without having to slap you with a stupidity fine, but that's no longer possible, Gia. Of course, Gia kind of deserves to be slapped with whatever's handy. Anyway, Veronica enters the office, at least trying not to tip Lucky off that anything's wrong, and Lucky asks her whether Veronica wants to see something freaky. You don't usually see "Um..." standing on its own as a sentence, but in this particular case, Veronica really doesn't need to say any more. Lucky goes back to looking for whatever, and Veronica takes Gia aside and quickly informs her that Lucky's the stalker; her story's aided by the varsity jacket hanging on the wall. Unfortunately, just at this moment, Lucky finds what he's looking for, which is a knife that...well, let's just say if it had been around a couple hundred years ago, Jim Bowie wouldn't have had a whole lot of work to do. Lucky says that he got the knife off a corpse in Iraq, which I can only hope is prompting Veronica to set her stun gun to "kill." She tries to lead Gia out, but Lucky blocks their path, and tells Gia that he's got some crazy stuff he could tell her, and that he knows her dad. To be fair, he's not going over the top projecting the menace, but maybe he's just a fan of paraphrasing Teddy Roosevelt. Anyway, Lucky does appear about to let them go, although it's certainly ambiguous, when Keith suddenly comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Lucky to the ground. Keith cuffs Lucky's hands behind his back, as Veronica, on the qui vive, secures the knife, just in case Lucky tries to make a grab for it. Keith asks why Lucky was stalking Gia, and Lucky's only reply is to yell "He deserved it!" He doesn't get any farther, though, before a gun-wielding Lamb arrives and mildly tells Keith that he didn't have to come himself. Lamb makes to dismiss Keith, but Keith, after telling Veronica to head to her party, quickly handcuffs himself to Lucky and tosses the key down the janitor's sink. Lamb smiles in frustration, because he needs to find some sort of tool for retrieving things from drains. If only he wasn't stuck in a useless janitor's closet!
Alterna-Vator. Dick is in a suit with a blue ruffled shirt and a "Party Pig" full of beer on his shoulder. At least no one can say he isn't making a clear statement. Speaking of which, Madison gets on dressed like "My Pink Princess Barbie," and unhappily says nothing, as Dick notes that she's "flying solo" as well. It is an unusual experience for Madison, particularly given that they're in an elevator. Madison's dismay mounts when Veronica gets on, followed by Wallace, Jackie, Mac, Butters, and Corny. Madison grouses that it's the longest elevator ride ever, and I have to admit surprise that the writers resisted the urge to have the elevator stop between floors, even if just for a second. I mean, the expression "a fate worse than death" is usually hyperbole, but I think that if that situation arose, several people in this elevator would seriously opt for the sweet release. Butters nerds out, and the door finally opens to Mac and Madison simultaneously saying, "Thank God." Hee. For any relative newbies, that's a little nod to the whole "switched at birth" storyline. Just think -- Mac and Dick could be exes, and Madison could be going to the prom with Butters.
Back from laughing? Good. Inside Logan's suite, kids dance. Logan, wearing a white tux and holding an open bottle of champagne, greets Dick with enthusiasm, Wallace in a friendly manner, Butters with open-mouthed incomprehension, and Veronica with googly-eyed tongue-tiedness that means the Squee-Meter isn't dipping below 7 anytime soon.
In a cell, Keith tries to get Lucky to tell him the reason for his grudge against The Woodman. Lucky looks like he's considering it, but Lamb enters, and unsuccessfully tries to get the handcuffs off. As he does, Lamb tells the "nutjob" not to look at him, and Keith orders Lamb to cut Lucky some slack. Lamb: "I wasn't talkin' to him, Keith." Heh. Lamb leaves, and Lucky notes that Lamb doesn't like Keith. I was wondering what the point of that scene was until we got that mind-blowing realization.
Alterna-Prom. Jackie and Wallace slow-dance. Elsewhere, Butters tells Mac that he knows it's weird to force someone to go to prom with him, but that, since she's weird too, he thought she might be into it. Butters tells Mac he means that as a compliment, and she replies by calling him "really, really weird." According to Butters's logic, Mac's saying she likes him, but that's contraindicated by the resigned smirk on her face. Such subtle points, however, are lost in the face of his continuing hope that he'll get some action out of this. But that's understandable -- if he didn't at least try for it, he'd be a fucking weirdo.
At the drinks table, Dick grossly and unrelentingly hits on Madison, who's pouring a couple of glasses of champagne. Veronica butts in to say that if Dick doesn't stop, Madison might call "the law," which she hears "really comes down hard." Hee. Madison weakly tries to respond with Duncan-related snark, like anyone cares about that anymore, and it backfires when Veronica replies that Duncan, indeed, "took it on the lam[b]," which she can't imagine: "I think you'd just want to close your eyes and pray for it all to end!" Hee. I mean, if you've even heard of the internet, you'll know that Veronica's opinion of Lamb's appeal isn't remotely universal, but watching Madison squirm like this is a moment for which both Veronica and the viewers are long overdue. Madison bolts to take a drink to Gia, which Dick notes is strange, and then asks "Ronnie" what the chances are of them hooking up at the party. Veronica: "A googolplex to one." Wow, she's really gone soft. Dick is enthused, and reminds me to gamble against him sometime if he likes those odds. As usual, though, he cracks me up. Veronica rushes over and grabs Gia's drink to prevent her from being dentist-tripped. And if last year taught us anything, it's that being dentist-tripped means not only drinking Madison's spit, but sucking Dick's straight out of his mouth, so Gia should be googolplexedly grateful here. Gia apologizes for her earlier behavior, which Veronica quickly accepts, and then moves on to Jackie and Wallace. Unfortunately for Veronica, Wallace and Jackie have had enough of being vertical for the evening, and bail. Looks like Jackie got as far as "Voulez..." before Wallace got her out the door.
Veronica then finds a disheveled-looking Logan, and I don't blame him for ditching his jacket and loosening his tie, but the fact that his hair is standing up like first-season David Silver on suggests that maybe a quick touch-up in the bathroom is in order. Logan notes that Veronica's alone, and says he knows the feeling. Veronica doesn't cotton on to his desperation at first, although you'd think that's a setting of his with which she's pretty familiar. After a comment about how he can have his pick of the bimbos, they fall silent for a few moments, which is enough for the Squee-Meter to tick up to 9 and start spritzing itself. Veronica sits down on a desk and says she loves the song that's playing, which is Mike Doughty's "I Hear The Bells." Logan, after taking a moment to try to pull himself together through his sadness and inebriation, straddles the desk facing her, and tells her he's surprised: "As a keen observer of the human condition, I thought you saw through people better than that." Well, Veronica may be a keen observer of human behavior, but I'd have to say that when it comes to the human condition, she can be surprisingly dense. She often doesn't see the forest for the trees -- not that I blame her, with her stature and all. Logan tells her that he's not into bimbos anymore, which seems like a perfect time to point out that this behavior makes total sense from him at this point. Hannah represented his first happy time since Veronica, and was the only girl since Veronica whose opinion of Logan mattered to him. Hannah was taken from him; therefore, he seeks to recapture those feelings with Veronica. Anyway, Logan says that he's been into torture ever since he got his heart broken. Veronica, getting to the point where she's being willfully blasé, notes that Hannah did a number on Logan, but Logan corrects her that he's not talking about Hannah, and after the realization dawns on Veronica's face, Logan tells her that he thought their story was "epic." Somewhere, Lilly is all, "Epic? I'm the one who got her brains bashed in, HELLO!" (It is interesting how they don't even mention Lilly anymore, though.) Logan drunkenly babbles about bloodshed and lives being ruined and their romance spanning continents and years. Tell it to Dawn Ostroff, kid. He takes an emotional beat, and then says that summer's almost there, and then they won't see each other anymore. Well, Logan, you could always stalk her at Java The Hut -- people seem to have good luck with that. Veronica goes through about a thousand different emotions, as the import of Logan's words starts to hit her, and he emotionally apologizes for the summer, and starts to imply that he'd do it all over differently. Veronica tries to deflect him with an offhand comment about how relationships shouldn't be this hard, but he's undeterred, and keeps sliding closer to her. They look into each other's eyes, and Veronica reluctantly allows Logan to touch her face. When he moves in for a kiss, though, it's too much, and she's out the door, as Logan's eyes fill, and the Squee-Meter opts for an epic ending of its own by jumping out my window. If only I lived on a higher floor.
Amazing scene. I have no particular desire to see a romantic relationship between these two, if only because I don't think it brings their most interesting scenes, although it could also be because I still think Logan is a douchebag. But the actors' chemistry is undeniable, and that scene allowed them to show off some of their best work. Ah, scenes driven by conflicting desires. How I've missed you.
In a nice transition from the misery of the last scene, Jackie and Wallace have an angst-free sex montage. Damn, it looks like someone works out. Wallace, too.
Jail. Keith, down to a whisper, tells Lucky that he's no fan of The Woodman's policies, but Lucky cuts him off and says that's not the point: "People always talk about him as this great guy. He's the mayor. He makes...he makes...good burgers. He's aaaaaaawesome, Woody Goodman." Hee. Lucky just jumped a few points in my book. Lucky's about to tell Keith "what [The Woodman] really is," which I'll only comment here is quite the interesting choice of phrase. However, Lamb chooses that moment to enter with a deputy and suggest that Keith apologize to Sacks, who spent the last hour with his arm down the drain. Good thing he finally found it, I guess, but I would have been interested to see how long Lamb would have kept him there. Probably at least until it started costing his department overtime pay. Lucky and Keith exchange a look, and Keith begs Lamb to give him a little more time. Lamb, surprisingly, seems like he would be amenable to the idea, but his hands are tied, because Lucky made bail. Keith asks who bailed him out, and Lamb, with some surprise, tells him that it was Meg's dad. Of course, Meg's dad is about the only person we've seen stir any human emotions in Lamb. Which is both a distinctive and dubious honor.
Keith brings in the paper in his bathrobe, as Veronica, fully dressed, grabs a drink and rushes out the door, only stopping to tell Keith that the prom was "whatever." She bails. Well, whatever "whatever" is, it's about to get a lot more so. Keith opens the paper and freezes when he sees an article exposing Cook's secret about throwing the ALCS game...
...and in another nice cut, Jackie is reading the same paper as she waits outside her dad's hospital room. The nurse tells Jackie that she can go in, and she dumps the paper and puts on a happy face for her dad. It's ambiguous, but from her expressions, I certainly read it as possible that she leaked the story. Also, there's a deputy stationed outside the door, who will come in handy when all those local fans show up with pitchforks and torches.
Neptune Grand. Veronica gets to Logan's door, hesitates, and then knocks. A shirtless Logan answers the door, and for fans of this relationship, I'd suggest using the pause button to enjoy this moment while you can. Veronica apologizes for running out on him, saying that she needed time to collect her thoughts. Ignoring Logan's warning of "Veronica...," she tells him that she wants to make a point of seeing him over the summer. Man, watching this is like seeing a wince on your dental hygienist's face when you open your mouth before the cleaning starts. Logan manages to combine a blank stare with a heartbroken expression, which will serve him well if he's a fan of Jackie's dad. Veronica, in the harsh light of day, realizes the meaning of his expression, and her face falls apart, too, as Logan explains that "last night was kind of a blur." It's going to be nothing compared to the blur of Veronica running for the elevator. Before that happens, though, Kendall calls out something about room service, appears at the door, and runs her fingers over Logan's abs, noting, "Veronica Mars. What a disappointment." Well, no offense, but Veronica's not that hot on seeing you at the moment either, you skanky, oversexed piece of trash. Okay, maybe I meant a little offense. Kendall slithers back into her lair, and Veronica, unable to hold back the tears, makes her escape over Logan's half-hearted attempt to apologize. As they wait for the elevator doors to close, they stare at each other for about a million years, although I doubt that's part of the epic Logan had mentally scripted. Finally, the doors shut, but whether that's a signal of the impossibility for them to have any kind of future together remains to be seen.
I gotta say, aside from the Logan and Veronica scenes, this episode kind of dragged, and really, not nearly enough happened for where we are in the season. But I finally figured out what Veronica was going to call Kendall -- I just can't say it here. Anyway, see you Tuesday!