Nevermind The Buttocks

Many thanks to Joe R for skillfully covering the recaplet of this week's episode when coverage in my market was preempted. I hope the Nets flame out of the playoffs, because if I have to watch any of the remaining three episodes on a day's delay, I'm gonna be hella pissed. On the other hand, my dad would be interested to know that for the first time since I was a kid, I've got a rooting interest in basketball. Of course, he'd say it's the wrong team and the wrong interest, but if we saw eye to eye about things like that, we'd probably still be talking.

What?

Oh, right, the recap. Cliff pours Veronica a glass of water as an oily voice inquires as to whether she'd like him to repeat his question. She says yes, so he asks whether she actually saw Lilly and Haaron having "intercourse" on the sex tape. Veronica tells him that a sheet was covering them, but that "the motion of their bodies" suggested copulation. There's also the fact that since Haaron's well known to have fucked half of Balboa County's women, it's pretty unlikely that he still engages in much dry humping. Although I suppose his prison stay could have changed his view on that. The examiner, "Mr. Lavois" or some such, inappropriately asks whether Veronica has much experience in that department and, when Cliff cuts in, says that he merely needs to determine whether Veronica knows what sex looks like. It's too bad Veronica's sitting behind a table, because this would be a perfect opportunity for her to smile knowingly and give him a Basic Instinct-esque twirl of her leg. It's noir, baby, and the name for the genre has never seemed more apt than when it's associated with Sharon Stone's nether regions. Anyway, Cliff says that Veronica has completed the required sex-ed class at Neptune High, and Veronica says that she got an A-minus. Considering how she treated her "baby," I wonder how she managed that. I'd suspect grade inflation, if we didn't know that Ms. Hauser hasn't really had a lot of luck with inflation lately. Veronica adds that she watches Animal Planet. The devil's henchman here breathes that statutory rape is a grave accusation. Veronica: "Not to a murderer." I hate to nitpick this late in the season, but this thing with the tapes always bugged me, so here's a question: just because the murder trial is taking this long is no reason to have delayed the statutory-rape trial, is it? I mean, is this hearing concomitant to the murder trial? Because if not, it should have been wrapped up ages ago, which means this is another teetering piece on top of an already wobbly storyline. Mr. Lavois concludes by asking whether Veronica's still keeping in touch with Duncan. Veronica looks scared and confused at the mention of his name. She is not alone.

Veronica walks away from her locker and notices that a heavyset kid is staring questioningly at her. She moves on to Mac, but in a nice bit of blocking, as she reaches her, you can still see the guy staring at her. Knowing what I know about his targeting skills, let me just get him out of frame before I pause. Anyway, "Mac Attack," as Veronica cutely calls her, is literally beating her head against her locker, and when Veronica asks what's wrong, she says that her locker was searched, and Clemmons took her cell-phone interceptor and won't give it back until the end of the year. At which time I expect he'll be buying one of his own, because I'd imagine that once you get hooked on the seedy drama that happens all around Neptune, it's impossible to get off it. Not that I'd...I mean, "he'd" want to. Mac begs Veronica to get the interceptor back: she borrowed it from a friend at Radio Shack to listen to Beaver's cell-phone calls. Mac manages to throw in that she's acting like a "psycho ex-girlfriend," and while that's true, I'll give her points for admitting it. (Of course, that's probably only because it's Mac, but don't tell anyone.) At the ensuing silence, Mac concludes that Veronica's judging her. Veronica: "Nope! I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell-phone interceptor?" Hee. Mac cautions her to respect the business model -- "I do the gadgets, you do the actual espionage." I think there's room for some crossover there, not that I want to argue with someone who's probably paid for college with her skills already. (Note to Veronica: what a concept!) Veronica agrees to see what she can do.

An alarm sounds, as a woman hustles out of the administrative office past Veronica. VMVO tells us that she set off Clemmons's secretary's car alarm, which was "pure Bond." If the secretary doesn't take lunch at the same time as Clemmons, as indicated previously (but which I can't say I really bought then, anyway), I wonder how Veronica got past her last week. I doubt the typical Bond/Moneypenny interaction would have worked, not that I wouldn't have loved to see Veronica give it a try. Anyway, Veronica tries to get in, but the lock's been changed. VMVO gripes, "Man, he's gotten paranoid!" Hee.

Veronica waits outside a classroom until Butters appears. He looks none too pleased to see her, although the fact that she calls him "Vincent" should have been the first clue that she wants something. I will not be calling him that, despite the fact that I'm awfully quick to drop nicknames. Veronica gets right to the point, asking Butters for help in getting to the box of confiscated stuff on Mac's behalf, and saying that this is a good opportunity for Butters to stick it to his dad. Butters says that he gets to do that plenty, no doubt referencing the radio show. What Butters doesn't know is that Clemmons, like everyone else, gave up "Ahoy Mateys" after Krunk died with a disgusted "That Imitation Crab is such a tool." Just as well -- Butters has enough self-image problems as it is. Anyway, in return for the office access, Butters wants to go to prom with Mac. Veronica mischievously agrees, "I think that can be arranged." See, Veronica, now you're thinking. Pimping could totally pay for your college education! Butters tells Veronica to meet him in his dad's office after the last bell: Clemmons has "bus-circle duty," whatever mindless, soul-sucking job that might be...

...but now it must be going on, as Veronica, Mac in tow, slowly knocks on Clemmons's door three times. Butters answers the door, and disgustedly asks, "That was your secret knock?" Veronica: "The genius is its simplicity." I'm hoping that's what I'm going to be saying at the end of the season, but I'm sensing that's not going to be the case. Butters points Veronica to the box and says that they have exactly eleven minutes, and this isn't exactly The Great Train Robbery, kid, so chill. Mac gratefully tells Butters that this is "way cool" of him, but Butters starts babbling that he's an excellent dancer but that they totally don't have to dance and that he doesn't want to get the wrong corsage and whatever. He's actually somewhat nervously endearing here, which is too bad, because I doubt that they're going to let Mac go to the prom when she's awaiting trial for braining Veronica with her laptop. Seriously, I do think that Veronica just made a judgment call that Mac would take the unpleasant evening over not getting the interceptor back, but it is kind of crappy for her not to have said anything about it, particularly since she clearly talked to Mac about this meeting, and, therefore, had the opportunity. Also, considering the fact that this break-in would no doubt cause Veronica to lose the precious Kane Scholarship, it might behoove all of them to take this conversation outside. But Veronica first asks Butters (I guess he's the first person Clemmons will suspect with the locks changed) whether she can return a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook she found in the box to Weevil, like there's any reason he would have been keeping that at school instead of at home. I mean, as much of a bad-ass as he may be, it would be just a bit imprudent for him to read that in Chem lab, right? Butters is amazed that Veronica knows Weevil's locker number, but she shows him that it's "333": "Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?" One, since when can students pick their own lockers, and two, that's awfully heavy-handed and Smurfy. I mean, Weevil indirectly, but intentionally, caused a hail of concrete to rain down on Thumper. Weevil is a bad-ass. Do we need to belabor the point? Anyway, Butters agrees, and then turns to Mac: "I'm thinking white limo. If that's cool." Hee. Mac looks down defeatedly, but at least she's got her interceptor back to remind her of all the sex she's not having.

Veronica's hanging on Weevil's car when he shows up and makes one of his usual inappropriate sexual comments, or "banters," if you will. Veronica asks him whether he's run into Thumper, since nobody's seen him in weeks (really?), and tells Weevil that if Thumper doesn't show up soon, he'll miss prom. Weevil: "I'm sure he's crushed." Hee hee. It's not so much the line as Capra's shit-eating grin that sells it, not least because he totally thinks Veronica approves of his actions. And I don't think he's completely wrong, there. (The timing of the grin also suggests that Capra might have broken character in the take, and they just decided to go with it.) But Veronica gets to the point about the Cookbook, saying that it was confiscated from his locker the first week of school. You know, another point that may seem nitpicky is that I can't imagine Clemmons intended to return this book to Weevil at all, so why keep it around? "Here you go, kid -- now that you're out of the school system, make all the bombs you want." Of course, if Clemmons is an evil genius, he could have used the book himself. I guess the lesson would be not to put ideas in a previously powerless factotum's head. Anyway, Weevil gets all warm that Veronica's accusing him of blowing up the bus, and Veronica in turn suggests that he wasn't on the PCH by accident. Well, considering that he was the leader of the PCHers, I'd think he'd have to meet certain quotas to keep his position. But Veronica's point is that he could have detonated the bomb unbeknownst to Veronica, since he knew when it would be in the right position. I'm getting a little tired of Veronica chasing these theories without thinking them through. I mean, Veronica, from her reactions and later descriptions, obviously wasn't actually in view of the bus when the bomb went off. So, why would Weevil, if he knew he was taking on this operation that required rather delicate timing, consent to give Veronica a ride? I mean, she might have seen him reaching for his cell phone. When you're pressed up that close against someone, it's hard to get away with using the phone. And it can get you in some serious trouble if you're caught. Also, I can't believe Weevil wouldn't have risked not being in visual range of the bus before detonating the bomb. But anyway, Veronica's idea is that Weevil and Cervando intended to take out the limo, but that because of the whole Dick's bag switcheroo, they took out the bus instead, and put the stinky rat on the bus to drive the rich kids into the limo. If you believe that Liam's comment to Thumper about the duct-tape was significant, you know this isn't true. Weevil asks what Veronica thinks his motive could be, and she says that he intended to kill Logan, who was supposed to be on the trip. Well, the good news is that this finally settles the meaning of Logan's famous "I'll miss you" line. He was going to go on the trip, but seeing Veronica and Duncan all kissyface made him change his mind. Don't completely blame him, there. But if Veronica hadn't lost me already on this theory, the idea that Weevil would kill Logan puts it over the edge. I mean, Felix-killer or not, who else is Weevil going to comparecojones with? Seriously, though, I can't believe Veronica could really give any credence to this theory. The execution of the crime, especially given the collateral damage, is just completely unlike Weevil, in my opinion. (Yes, I know he did some good planning in "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough," but STILL.) But we can't let that get in the way of Veronica's snarkily dismissing Weevil into the opening credits.