Versatile Toppings

Before I get started: there was some confusion on the boards about the meaning of the title of the episode. I admit when I first heard it, I thought it was a reference to the fun kind of mushrooms, especially since one of my best friends used surreptitiously to refer to them as "pizza toppings." But I first heard the episode title about two hundred years ago (i.e., before the last break), so it's not surprising that things have changed. Actually, I believe Rob Thomas, er, "straightened" people out about that -- the title is actually an inside joke between him and executive producer Dan Etheridge. Without going into too much detail, if you remove the "ping" from the second word of the title, you'll be able to figure out the gist of it. I'd be worried about chipping away at your innocence if it weren't pretty likely that you...you know, watch the show.

A yellow station wagon pulls up on a dark street and double-parks. A rocking Dandelions song plays as an iPod- and pizza-delivery-uniform-wearing Corny hops out with three pizzas under his left arm. Boy, this place must do good business if it can still turn a profit after accounting for all the times Corny got the munchies. I bet his name's even on the spreadsheet. Anyway, Corny's having a grand old time until someone dressed in black appears behind him and tasers him in the neck. He wonders what he did to piss off Veronica before falling unconscious to the ground.

Neptune High. Veronica parks and gets out of her car, and then Dick pulls up to her. He bangs her car with his door as he gets out, causing her to exclaim, "Dick! You totally nailed me!" Yeah, much like many of the posters, I don't buy that Veronica would leave herself that, um, wide open. Dick makes a crack about his New Year's party, and is unsympathetic about the fact that he scratched Veronica's paint. All the commotion about the car causes two baseball players to appear and advise Dick to frisk Veronica, since she could be "smuggling junk." Dick evenly counters that they're ones to talk, what with all the pitching and catching they do. And that's as close to the episode title as you're going to get. One of the jocks is the guy who made a big deal about dunking Jackie in the last episode, while the other is a wisp of a blond kid, who tells Dick that they're not saying he's gay "just because [he makes] out with a dude here and there." Yeah, but to borrow a phrase from George Costanza, it doesn't help. But speaking of Seinfeld, the fact that Dick's hair looks like he recently switched to a low-flow showerhead is enough to make me think he's still pretty firmly in the hetero camp.

Logan randomly gives some kid attitude about drinking strawberry soda. I don't think it's the sugar he has a problem with, considering that the smooches he then shares with Hannah are seriously causing my teeth to consider bidding goodbye to this cruel world. Logan sneakily asks if Hannah got in trouble with her dad for all their "No, YOU'RE schmoopy" at the carnival, but the answer is no, so he tells her that he really wants to be alone with her. She invites him to her dad's that Saturday (and from the way she puts it, it sounds like her parents are divorced) if he wants to watch a movie. Logan: "I want. To rip your heart out of your chest and eat it as your dad watches in abject horror." My DVR cut the last part out, but luckily, it was pretty obvious.

Sometime later, Veronica is circling a username, "KISSNKUZN," when the gym/computer teacher/basketball coach who's now officially been in too many episodes to link to enters. Veronica asks him if she could ride with the team that night, since her car's in the shop, and she promised his "star point guard" she'd be there. The coach denies her request -- he wants his boys focused on homoerotic pre-game rituals that the presence of a woman would disrupt -- but Jackie, who's just entered, offers Veronica a ride: "I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better." Veronica asks if she's got room for Veronica's giant foam finger, and Jackie says yes: "I can even drop you off around the block, if you're worried about being seen together." Veronica smilingly begs Jackie to protect her reputation, and Jackie returns the smile and leaves as Veronica notes that those jeans she's wearing would probably fit her real nice. Veronica goes back to her list, but Ryan catches her in the act, and the fact that she didn't have an innocent-looking folder or paper on hand with which to cover the incriminating evidence is further proof that the hiatus has put Veronica off her game something fierce. Ryan, however, says it's fine -- he just didn't want to let her onto the site himself, since he's let the users down enough. He must have provided them with some really substandard free content. Veronica tells him that the mugger had nothing to do with the blackmailing, so Ryan's losing the list can't have anything to do with it. She advances the idea that one of the posters is the blackmailer, and suggests it might have been a "Miz P," a guy who went on about the "outing of all outings," and then disappeared. Dude, if there's something as certain as death and taxes, it's this: Tom Cruise does not take chances. Ryan says that Ms. P's name was Peter Ferrer, and he was -- say it with me -- killed in the bus crash. So if my count is right, we now know seven of the eight people on the bus -- the five I mentioned here, Ryan's boy Marcos, and this Peter. Only one more chance to be proactive and find out the last victim, Veronica. Actually, it's not so much "being proactive" as "giving the slightest indication that you care," but after all this time I've figured out that you respond better to honey than vinegar. Ryan adds that there's been another blackmailing: the perp told the victim that he or she could come to Veronica for help, but that he wouldn't hold his breath if he were her. (Enough pronouns in that sentence?)

Hannah's reading in a full classroom when Logan enters and gives the teacher a note.

Cut to the hallway, from which Logan grabs Hannah and pulls her into an empty science classroom. She asks what he's doing, and he smiles, "It depends. What are you gonna let me do?" I don't know, but if your balls are involved in any way, I'd check first to see how painful the footwear that Hannah's sporting looks. Hannah informs Logan that her dad told her about the bridge, but Logan straight-up says that her dad is a liar, and wasn't even there. But for anyone who thinks Logan's truly coming clean with her, I'd point out that he says he didn't know who Hannah's dad was when he met her at the carnival, which seems eminently false, if only from the way he was so expectant when Dr. Griffith showed up. Logan adds that Hannah's dad is a cokehead, and in deep to the Fitzpatricks. Well, it's nice to see that Logan isn't going for the clichs like candy and flowers, but I think this approach to winning a girl's heart might have a few problems all its own. He says that the Fitzpatricks are the ones who really wanted Felix dead. Noting Hannah's torn expression, he urges her to think about what he's said, and also to check around the house. Man, is Logan a dick. If he weren't such good TV, I'd have to...write mean things about him? It occurs to me I don't really have a whole lot of other options.