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There's a senior trip coming up, and the haves want to go to Catalina, while the have-nots want to visit Magic Mountain. But first, they need to raise money for the trip, so Winter Carnival it is. Jackie is currently the most hated girl in school, thanks to her dad's being arrested in the bus crash investigation. There's a lot to distract from that, though, as Beaver and Mac are dating, despite Dick's total jerkitude, and so are Wallace and Jane. Also, it's Triton-streaking time again, and Veronica manages to lose a strongbox full of money in two minutes flat. Slightly more disturbing than that development is Logan's somewhat assy new haircut, and even more disturbing than that is his argyle sweater, which is fuglier than anything Duncan ever sported, and no, I am not kidding. This does not prevent him, however, from turning on the charm to a nice blonde named Hannah. Madison points a bitchy finger at Jackie over the theft, and Veronica at first is led to believe that that accusation is correct, but realizes that Jackie is in just the same position Veronica was a year ago, except wetter. Like Veronica last year, though, Jackie can at least count on Wallace to be a nice guy. Some investigation ends up pointing to Thumper as the culprit, but she digs deeper and also busts a Triton who's close to her for the Kane scholarship, and, most satisfyingly, the bitchy MS. Hauser. Other revelations: Logan looks like he might only be after Hannah because her dad is the guy who claimed he made the anonymous call from the bridge; Weevil set Thumper up while deftly dancing around Veronica; and Beaver can be an amusingly nasty little kid. But in bus-crash land, Cook goes to see Keith for help, and after Keith updates his squee journal, Cook tells him that Lamb thinks he detonated a bomb by making a call to a cell phone belonging to someone on the bus. Keith also confronts Cook about his relationship with Naima, and Cook confesses that Naima broke up his engagement. Keith also finds out that Cook threw a big game to pay off a gambling debt, and it was two of the Fitzpatricks who were the ones that came to "remind" him about that debt. Also, Naima overheard the whole thing. Keith is wrenchingly disillusioned with this big revelation about Cook, but agrees to take his case anyway. Wow. One more episode like this and I may forget ever asking "What season mysteries?" Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I'm sometimes annoyed with how revealing these previews are, but that doesn't mean I didn't giggle at "Say 'repressed homosexuality'!" for the billionth time.
Neptune High. In a classroom, some jock hangs a sign that reads "Welcome to Winter Carnival" on a snowman. Veronica enters and walks by some gangly dude and Madison sitting at table working on another sign. Madison informs the guy that he's going too heavy on the Elmer's: "Do I look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?" You know, as I mentioned once before, the censors should really start looking for cues from the characters, such as Corny's and Weevil's obvious guffawing here. Because it's clear that the censors are so bad at identifying dirty doubleentendres that I'm expecting the new student at Neptune to be named "Haywood Jablome." MS. Hauser shushes Corny and Weevil before asking Veronica what she wants, not without some annoyance. Veronica says that Mr. Pope sent her to get some decorations for the FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) booth, so Ms. Hauser asks the gangly dude, "J.B.," to get the "hills." The only references "hills" immediately cause to spring to my mind are "there's gold in them there..." and "...are alive with the sound of music." I guess the former is what was being aimed at, but now I have the image stuck in my head of the entire FBLA class twirling around while holding sprigs of edelweiss. Hang on a minute, I want to enjoy this. J.B. protests that he can't help Veronica, since she's his nemesis, but then leaves with a sly smile. Madison chuckles, because unlike the censors, she's able to derive meaning from context. Veronica asks Madison, "His nemesis? Did we break up?" Well, Veronica, you didn't stay around for the whole slumber party. Not that I blame you. Madison finishes up her sign by blowing a lot of excess glitter off it.
Across the room, Corny is stoner-talking with Weevil. Ms. Hauser snits that the week's exam is worth 30% of their grade and, at Corny's stoner-laugh, mutters that one day her ship will come in. Weevil asks if only the kids with the scissors and the glue can talk, but Ms. Hauser smoothly counters that the student council is working hard to raise money for the senior trip. Weevil exposits that the non-09ers want to go to Magic Mountain, but Madison says it's going to be Catalina: "I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman The Ride." A fair sentiment, since they'd probably wait to do so until Madison was right under them. J.B. returns with the hills, and tells Veronica she'd better watch her back, since he's only three thousandths of a point behind her in the Kane Scholarship race. We haven't seen Veronica studying much this season, but I'm willing to believe she's been keeping up her average, if only because winning the race will not only take care of her financial concerns but will cause Celeste's head to explode in an apoplectic rage. Come to think of it, I'd bet she'd pass up the former if the latter were guaranteed. Ms. Hauser heaps praise on Madison, Veronica and Madison snit at each other, and then...
...we're in the parking lot, where Jackie is walking, now firmly on Neptune's "Jeers!" list thanks to Lamb's arrest of her dad. Dick, in particular, makes a snide comment about how Jackie's dad killed his classmates, but given the have-nots that were on the bus, he's probably just annoyed that his wedgie pool got smaller. Cora, Jackie's friend, catches her and sympathetically asks how she is. Jackie wonders if all the attention counts as her fifteen minutes of fame: "And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to Winter Carnival?" Well, I'd tell her to ask Logan, but I've seen this episode, and you really don't want to be taking fashion advice from him at the moment. Cora says that Jackie doesn't have to go, but Jackie reminds her that they volunteered in French Club. Madison, overhearing that last, stalks up and tells Jackie she can't go: "Even you're not that tacky." There's something derogatory in that sentence, for sure, but having seen Madison's sign-making and dentist-tripping skills, I'm just not sure which way the insult is blowing. Jackie: "School carnival? Me, you, and the Shake Shack doin' a little 'You're The One That I Want'? I am so there." The fact that Madison's wearing a pink jacket is what makes it art. Although I'm thinking "Beauty School Dropout" might prove to be even more appropriate for her. Madison says that Jackie's being there will ruin everything, and Jackie, with a tinge of sadness, says that's her plan. Aw, Jackie, you're starting to evoke sympathy from the posters. Might be a good time to go spit on Jane Austen's grave.
Keith is in his office hearing the boring details of a boring case from a boring client. He walks out to the fax machine and, on his way back in, looks over and sees Terrence Cook stand up from the couch and say he doesn't have an appointment, but that he was hoping Keith could see him. Keith goes to throw his other client out the window, since this moment in his life has already taken so long to arrive that he can't possibly wait for the dude to walk all the way to the door.
Winter Carnival. It's a pretty elaborate affair for a high school, or so it seems to me. But the closest thing we ever had to a carnival at my school was when a car rolled over my friend's foot and everyone stood around gawking while it swelled up like a balloon. In the city, you take what you can get. Madison offers pep-squad baked goods to the crowd, and then we see a big circular glass container filled with those plastic balls for kids to jump into. Veronica's stuck selling snow cones and slushies; as she notices all the couples milling about, VMVO sighs, "Two by two. Apparently you can only enter the carnival as if it were the ark." I don't think so, Veronica -- if God wanted to start over, I really don't think he'd keep Dick and Madison around. I mean, there's vengeful, and there's just plain stupid. Logan appears, and he's sporting an unflattering new short haircut, an awful beige jacket with green piping, and a green and white argyle sweater that's worse than anything Duncan ever even considered putting on. Why not just stab yourself in the eye, Logan -- it'll be less painful. For me, at least. (Actually, he is wearing the school colors, but...still.) Veronica asks Logan what his poison is. Logan: "Emotionally unavailable women." Heh. He then muses that he could use something to suit his mood. Veronica: "Ooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil." Fun, yet prescient. Logan orders two slushies, and then spares a look Madison's way and notes, "People really love pep squad pie." And by "pie," he means "vagina." (Just seeing if I get an email from a censor asking for further clarification.) Veronica explains that Madison's dad gives her forty bucks to buy a pie from a "chichi bakery, and then drops three bills to buy it back in front of a live studio audience. He loves her." Logan hands over a fifty, and he and Veronica exchange light quips about money. This whole exchange is full of that fun and interesting "I still kind of like you underneath" subtext that was totally and uncharacteristically absent from the elevator exchange in "Donut Run," so yay. Logan gets his change and notes the people behind him. "The hoi polloi. They don't know what they want 'til I have it." Well, when they're wearing fug-assed argyle, we'll talk. As long as you don't mind visiting my grave.
Elsewhere, Weevil is tending to his adorable little niece, who looks about six. Weevil's clean-shaven, has started growing out his hair, and has lost his jewelry, by the way, which probably are reactions to his ejection from the PCH gang. Of course, an even bigger reaction would be to get his gang tattoos removed, but that would...you know, hurt. But the hair coming in looks really good on him. Maybe he and Logan have some sort of zero-sum hair/looks pact going. Anyway, Weevil buys his niece fifty balloons, one of which Thumper knocks as he walks by. He then says to Weevil, "I thought that was your head." Thumper wasn't kidding when he said he didn't make good speeches.
Elsewhere, Logan watches Dick successfully win a prize and crow about it. Logan: "Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick." And if a certain person has a day job as a clown, we can call this comment "Fun Yet Prescient, Part II." Dick's face falls, though, when he sees Beaver and Mac holding hands. He asks Logan, "Why is The Beav all snuggly with that chick from Ghost World?" To please me, obviously. question?
Veronica's using a screwdriver to struggle with one of the machines when Jackie appears behind her and ruefully declares, "This school genuinely sucks." Boy, talk about knowing your target audience. Veronica agrees, sees Ms. Hauser collecting money from Madison, and starts to get her own money together, but is still working on it when Ms. Hauser arrives, forcing her to wait. While she does, J.B. appears and asks Ms. Hauser for the keys to her classroom so that he can get the staple gun to fix one of the signs. Veronica hands over her money just as the ostensible new Triton pledges run by in their yearly, um, altogether. Ms. Hauser fronts that she's exasperated, as if she wouldn't take a piece of that faster than you can say "Terry McMillan." Dick shows appreciation for the spectacle, which will be ironic before the top of the hour. Ms. Hauser hands the box of money to Veronica for safekeeping, and Veronica stows it in a cabinet with a sliding door. Ms. Hauser goes over and clutches her pearls at Principal Clemmons as Wallace comes up with Jane, his new "special lady friend," and when Wallace, Keith, and Dick all use that expression, either it's a wink to the audience, or more people bastardize quotes from The Big Lebowski than I thought. Ms. Hauser returns for the money box, but when Veronica slides open the cabinet door, it's gone. She reaches in to discover another sliding door in the back of the cabinet, and then stands and breaks the news that the money's gone. Clemmons appears, and Ms. Hauser snits that, "in less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money." Veronica: "Set a record!" I'll just let you imagine whether it's Clemmons or Ms. Hauser who looks icier as we head into the credits.
We return to Clemmons and Ms. Hauser examining the cabinet. They pop back up, and Ms. Hauser informs Veronica that they're out twelve grand. Veronica, thinking quickly, says that because the box was locked, no one could immediately remove the money from it, so they should set up the metal detectors to prevent anyone's leaving with it. Wow, I'm impressed that Veronica remembered the metal detectors, considering how long it's been since anyone's made mention of them. I'll be even more impressed if she remembers the class warfare that was the supposed reason for their introduction. Ms. Hauser asks what they can do if the thief finds a way to open the box, and Veronica counsels them to lock up the shops and janitor's closet and any other place he or she could get his or her hands on tools. Madison overhears this exchange, and as Clemmons instructs a security guard to carry out Veronica's instructions and also to start searching lockers, Madison says they could save time by starting with Jackie, as she was "lurking around." Jackie: "'Lurking'? You mean standing while black?" Ha! You know, I only hated Jackie in her first episode, and it was more due to shaky acting and breathy line readings than anything else. I kind of enjoyed her punking of Veronica. But if you did hate her and started to be won over by that line, I certainly don't blame you. Madison quotes Jackie's earlier line about ruining everything totally out of context, and Ms. Hauser steps over to Jackie and tells her that plenty of people with notorious parents turn out to be decent human beings: "Don't think you have an excuse." If, however, you have some expensive memorabilia of your dad's, pull up a chair and let's talk. I was surprised, as were many posters, that Clemmons let Ms. Hauser talk quite that bitchily to Jackie, but perhaps now that Duncan's gone we need someone else to stand idly by.
Standing in front of another booth, Logan strikes up a conversation with one of the attendants, a pretty blonde who looks about fifteen, despite the fact that the actress is twenty. And given that, I am shocked to learn she has never appeared on The WB. Logan tries his hand at using a hammer to catapult a fake frog into a bowl of water. Seeing him set the frog up poorly, the girl speculates that he doesn't take physics. Logan: "I have a tattoo of Newton's Second Law right on my heart." It would be a lot more fitting if it were the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Entropy, thy name is Echolls. Logan fails miserably on his first two tries, and then challenges the girl -- whose name we'll learn is Hannah -- to do better. Hannah accepts, but when she swings the hammer down, she appears to catch Logan's finger. She hysterically apologizes, but it turns out that Logan was just faking: "I can't believe you fell for that!" Well, if I were her, I'd be hysterical too, thinking of the lynch mob that would be after me if I hurt a hair on Logan's precious head. (Ooh, bad episode for that expression.) Anyway, Logan tries again, and succeeds this time. He picks a pink bunny, introduces himself to Hannah, and then gives her his prize with a mumbled comment about breaking his heart. He leaves, Hannah and her friends squeal, and many of the posters eye-roll themselves into a nice synchronous orbit.
Veronica sits down on a bench with Weevil and his niece, who's named Ophelia. I'd make a comment, but after recently seeing poor Yorick's skull playing the part of a banana peel, I've gotten all I'm likely to need out of Hamlet, at least for the foreseeable future. Veronica pretends to admire Ophelia's Powerpuff Girls backpack, and I like to think she wasn't completely pretending. Nonetheless, Weevil sharply says that it doesn't have a metal box in it, and adds that with the metal detectors being moved around, it's pretty obvious what's going on. He instructs Veronica to go ahead and inspect the bag, and when Veronica complies, she finds nothing untoward. Weevil: "Your case must really suck if your prime suspect is a six-year-old." Veronica leaves, not bothering to point out that if we're talking emotional age, just about every suspect around here is likely to be a six-year-old. On a good day.
Mars Investigations. We pan around a small statue of Justice as Cook tells Keith that Lamb is using him as a scapegoat and Keith smiles in an adorably dorky manner. Cook adds that he read Keith's book, and couldn't put it down. Not that I'm complaining, but it definitely feels like this episode marks the point where the writers realized that they had almost as many dropped plot points as they do over on Lost and started getting things in gear. And I appreciate that, because while this show may never beat that one in the ratings, I still think the expression "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is for losers. Keith points out that, in his book, the famous guy actually did it. Cook tells Keith that Lamb sees him as The Woodman's ally, since he spent the last three months campaigning for The Woodman's incorporation plan, which would turn Lamb into "the hayseed who hands out speeding tickets on the way into town." Hee. Now I'm picturing Lamb asking a stopped driver, "D'ya know how fast ya were goin'?" while chewing on a blade of grass. Keith thinks Lamb leaned on Cook, but doesn't see the big deal, since Lamb won't file charges without hard evidence. Cook tells Keith about being at the stadium the day of the field trip, and adds that Lamb's forensics team found cell phone and baseball fragments in the driver's body: "He thinks I planted a bomb in the back that I detonated by calling the cell phone, and I need you to prove that I didn't make that call. That I had nothing to do with that crash. And if gazing soulfully into your eyes is the last thing I ever do, I can die a happy, happy man." Oh, that last part might have been Keith. By the way, remember that Cook and The Woodman were arguing when we first saw them from a distance. I suspect it may prove to be important.
Veronica returns to her booth to find Beaver (an FBLA member, as you'll recall) trying to work one of the machines and Mac (red-streaked today, by the way) sitting on a shelf to him. Veronica, slightly surprised, asks what she's doing, and Mac adorably is like, "Keeping Beaver company," in that "I have a boyfriend, EEEEE!" voice, which is only made cuter by Beaver's little smile of acknowledgement to Veronica. Veronica opines that that sounds fun, and Mac bubbles, "That's 'cause it is!" I just discovered that I cannot snark through solid sugar. Not that I want to in this case. Beaver thinks the machine's broken, but Veronica tells him that the ice is just jammed, and to break it open with a screwdriver, which must be what she was doing earlier. Beaver says he lent the screwdriver to Jackie, and Veronica gets all agitated at that revelation, which ends all the cuteness of the scene. Just as well -- I was starting to get embarrassed. Mac points out Jackie heading into the school, and Veronica moves.
Inside, Jackie enters the girls' room, and soon after, Veronica sidles up to the door, listens, and hears what sounds like metal scraping. She sighs resignedly, no doubt wondering why she couldn't have made this discovery before reformed Catholic priests started quoting affecting bits of Scripture at her.
After the commercial, Veronica enters the girls' room and asks Jackie, who's hidden away in a stall, what she's doing. Jackie says she's changing into her bathing suit, which admittedly is suspicious, since there are innumerable smart situational comebacks to Veronica's question. Of course, most of them tempt fate. Veronica notes that changing into a bathing suit doesn't usually require a screwdriver. Jackie neutrally agrees as she emerges wearing a bikini under her coat and hands the tool off to Veronica. Creepy music plays as Veronica looks at the inside of the stall door, which reads, "Jackie Cook is a [something with almost as many letters as 'Jackie Cook is' scraped off the metal door]." Jackie: "Like putting on a bikini isn't stressful enough." Okay, between the dramatic music and that comment, I'm really dying to know what that message said. Veronica starts to explain how suspicious the evidence against Jackie looked, but Jackie curtly but not defensively says she knows. Veronica asks what the bathing suit is about, and Jackie takes off her earrings and lets down her hair as she explains that before the stuff with her dad came down, she signed up for the "dunk tank," and adds that whoever signs up and gets the most money contributed to him or her gets the honor of getting dunked. "I went from a week of having the three dollars I put in for myself to having almost four hundred dollars." It's rather amusing to note the fact that this senior trip is partially sponsored by seething hatred. Jackie starts to leave, but Veronica tells her that she's wasting her time trying to prove something to the Neptune students. Jackie: "Yeah. And when people thought the worst of your dad, you just took it lying down, right?" Well, in fairness, if she had, there wouldn't have been a show. It's nice to be reminded of how much Wallace must have told Jackie about Veronica, though, and to learn that Jackie actually listened for non-nefarious purposes. Jackie leaves...
...and arrives at the dunk tank, where Cora, who's selling the balls, asks her if she really wants to do this. Jackie: "'Want' might be stretching it." Heh. She says it's her senior trip too, so she'll take one for the team. I don't think taking "one" is going to be the issue here. Jackie removes her excess clothing and gets up on the board, and if anyone thinks it's relevant, she's sporting a navel ring. Some jock grabs a ball and says that one of his friends was on the bus, and this is the only part of this episode that rings rather false for me emotionally, because (a) no one at the high school has given a flying or earthbound fuck about the bus crash in ages, and (b) which friend, tough guy? We're not dealing with a large pool of people here. Anyway, he dunks Jackie a couple of times as Veronica concernedly looks on. Hon, don't you have some ice to sell?
Mars Investigations. Keith gets a couple beers out of the refrigerator and says he's fulfilling a longtime fantasy of sharing a cold one with his favorite "ballplayers": "And after we're done, we're gonna play catch in the parking lot." He looks more excited here than he was to meet Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest. Which, just from an aesthetic sense, is understandable. Keith goes on to say that he saw Cook pitch three times in Triple A when Cook was nineteen: "There wasn't much to do in Fresno as a twenty-two-year-old deputy." I don't know, Keith. I find it hard to believe you couldn't have had a lot of fun with a gun, a badge, and a full head of hair. He says he didn't see Cook give up a run that whole summer, and after that he followed Cook's career religiously. They clink bottles and sit down, and Keith cuts to the first of several chases, producing the picture of Naima, or Miss Dumas, to which Veronica called his attention last episode. Cook's face falls as Keith tells him that he's going to have to be a lot more upfront if Cook wants him to work for him. That game of catch, though, will be no questions asked.
Jackie climbs back up on her perch as Wallace appears and hands a ticket to Cora, who gives him a hilariously disapproving look. Jane stands by and watches as Wallace hurls the first ball over the fence, setting off a car alarm. Hee. Jackie's fairly stone-faced, but Cora beams at him as Wallace throws another one out of the park. Jane Ueckers, "Just a bit outside," before some dude steps in and says it's the person's turn. Wallace turns to the crowd and tells them, "Y'all are cool, man. Real cool." Unlike last week, he does seem to be using that word ironically. He and Jane take off.
Madison's still selling pies when Mac and Beaver walk by. Mac asks if they're winning, and then clarifies, "I feel like we're in a contest with all the other couples. Who can hold hands the longest." Beaver adorably says he doesn't want to lose Mac in the crowd, and it'll probably save me a lot of typing if you just assume everything they do is adorable unless I say otherwise. The two of them run into Dick and a couple of his goons, and Beaver's smile turns upside down. Dick smarms that he's just looking out for Beaver, and Mac evenly says that he's fine. Dick blabbers about busting Beaver's cherry, which is an interesting, um, tossed salad of words. (I'd say I'm trying to get one past the censors too, but you guys probably already know Wing Chun. ["As a good little Canadian girl, I am sure I don't know what you're talking about." -- Wing Chun]) Dick adds that Beaver's hands must be covered in sweat, and that Mac must be totally grossed out. Beaver glowers some more, is nearly successful in trying to take out Dick's eye with his lower lip, and then releases Mac's hand. Dick: "Oop! See how it just slipped right out? Gotta work on that, bro." Dick is such an asshole, but I have to admit that comment was pretty hilarious. He and his goons leave, and Beaver stalks off, Mac following him.
Elsewhere, Hannah buys cotton candy, and then Logan appears and grabs a piece off and eats it. They flirt a bit, and Logan says he notices that she's separated from the herd: "I'm concerned, you know -- predators and all that." Considering Logan's game, that's certainly an ironic comment. Particularly since very few predators wear argyle. (I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is: when the wardrobe people start listening.) Hannah says that she can take care of herself, and then Logan steals some more cotton candy, provoking a "Dude!" Logan can't believe she uses that word, and Jason Dohring is an even better actor than I thought to convincingly give someone shit for saying the word "dude." Logan goes on about how Hannah is like the hot daughter of a king and that he's only ever going to call her "princess" and that she should get permission from her friends to come play with him because he knows she wants to, and at this point even the cotton candy wishes Logan would lighten up on the sugar. Anyway, Hannah ditches her friends.
It's now dark, and Jackie is shivering as Madison smugly steps up to take her turn. There's steam coming up from the tank, though, so at least it looks like the water is heated. Some posters wondered what the big deal was about Jackie's experience in the tank, but I think the mean-spirited way the other kids are acting about the whole affair is the problem. Madison misses her first shot, and then just walks up past the barrier and tells Jackie, "time I tell you to stay home, listen." She manually dunks Jackie, to cheers from other students. Man. I'm surprised all the people who swallowed Madison's spit didn't die of Toxic Shock Syndrome. (Dick, of course, has a natural immunity.) Veronica -- who's apparently spent the last five hours watching as Jackie keeps getting wet from her toes to her stiff upper lip -- hears children screaming and heads toward the plastic ball pen. She sees Thumper making a scene about how it's not just for kids, causing Veronica to rush over to Clemmons and Ms. Hauser and say that they have to empty the ball pit, since the box could very well be in there. Clemmons asks what happens if she's wrong...
...and we cut to an empty pit and a bunch of sad children. Hee. Ms. Hauser bitches Clemmons out for listening to Veronica, who apologizes to the kids and says they'll fill the pit back up. Ms. Hauser then rounds on Veronica, saying she's trouble. I guess little Albert couldn't keep his mouth shut about the ice cream. Before Ms. Hauser can really work up a head of steam, however, Clemmons produces a camera that a blonde student just handed to him, and informs them that the girl was filming for the video yearbook, and has footage "that should prove to be interesting." Veronica wonders if that can possibly mean good news as we go to commercial.
In a classroom inside, Clemmons and Ms. Hauser are cueing up the tape as Clemmons explains that everyone present was in the vicinity of the cash box "before the...unfortunate...streaking...incident." I wonder if he means that streaking incidents are unfortunate a priori, or if something happened to make this particular one less fortunate than usual. I'll just let you cross your legs and mull that one over. Clemmons adds that their lockers are being searched, as we see that the students in the room are Veronica, Jackie, Madison, J.B., Weevil (and Ophelia), and Dick, whose attention is completely focused on a red balloon. I'd suggest remaking a classic movie by letting it loose and filming the ensuing chase, but I somehow doubt Dick speaks French, if we're not counting the "Pardon my..." variety. J.B. points out that even if some money is found, there's no way to prove that it's the stolen cash, but Veronica pipes up that she took in a fifty-dollar bill with the name "Nancy" and a phone number on it: "That's one way to know if it's the cash-box money." J.B. shakes his head, probably worried that if Veronica finds the money, her average will mysteriously tick up a thousandth of a point or two. Anyway, there's nothing conclusive on the tape, but Ms. Hauser does point out that Jackie's got something under her coat, which Jackie claims was just her gym bag. Ms. Hauser sneers that she can't get away with it just because she's an 09er: "Trash is trash. Mark my words." Oh, she will, if only to better see the exact moment you eat them.
Logan and Hannah are sitting in the "Bounce House" as kids...well, bounce around them. Logan says that he takes all his dates there, and if you didn't just picture Kendall jiggling her way around the place and knocking kids out of the way with her rack, you're a better person than I am. Hannah opines that they're not on a date, but Logan says that he bought her a drink and won her a stuffed animal: "Check your dictionary, princess." And then thumb through a couple more letters until you hit "fey," if you want to see a picture of your new not-boyfriend. Hannah exposits that she's never been on a date before, because she's holding out for something special, prompting Logan to call her "princess" again. Nothing particularly against Hannah, but blech.
Dick comes up to Madison's booth calling her attention to Beaver and Mac, who are sitting one behind the other in a very couply way. Dick gripes that Beaver hasn't learned anything from him: "He's like some neutered eunuch nerd drone."
...Oh, sorry. I just thought you'd need a moment to recover from the revelation that Dick knows what "eunuch" means. I certainly did.
Okay, Madison laughs at Dick's comment, and it's just too bad she doesn't know that she was switched at birth with Mac. Because if she married Dick and Beaver married Mac, the in-law get-togethers would be more than awkward, and greater than Un!Comfortable! I believe that would reach the new level of Un!ward. Anyway, what Dick does not know generally could fill every Wal-Mart in the country, but what he doesn't know specifically is that Beaver and Mac are using her laptop to explore a site called "PremiereEscorts.biz" and giggling about it quite a bit. Beaver points to a name, "Bambi Gasm," and Mac asks, "Of the Boston Gasms?" Beaver smiles, "One would hope." These two could take over the world. Seriously.
Some amount of beer later, Cook is telling Keith that Naima was supposed to be his "final fling" before marriage (when will we find out what happened to Jackie's mom, do you think?), but that the situation turned into Fatal Attraction. She moved to Neptune, got the teaching job, and told his fiancée about the affair, ending the engagement. Damn. It's a good thing for Dick that she died, or she might have exacted some nasty revenge for that "Miss Dumb-Ass" comment; he really might have found out what "eunuch" means. Keith notes that revenge on Naima seems like a compelling motive, and Cook lowers his eyes in agreement. Let's drink a toast to lengthy, expensive trials!
Veronica looks up at the flagpole, gets an idea, and marches over to Weevil. Weevil cautions her that he can't let her frisk him, since Ophelia is at an impressionable age. I have no proof of this, but I'm going to back my judgment and opine that she's seen worse. Veronica asks how Weevil pulled off spindling Mr. X's car, and guesses that it involved some kind of saw. Weevil challenges her to say what's on her mind, but when Veronica points out that Weevil obviously has access to the shop after hours, Weevil tells her that all the guys who take shop have copies of Mr. Dalton's keys. He bails...
...and the thing we know, we're in the shop, as Veronica and Ms. Hauser watch Clemmons use bolt cutters to cut all the locks from a bank of lockers. In the second locker he searches, he finds a stack of bills containing the fifty that Veronica described, but says there's only about three grand in it. Veronica, looking perplexed, takes note of a lockless locker elsewhere in the room, and then Clemmons discovers some drugs in the locker in which he found the money, and speculates that the thief spent the rest of it already. Sure, but don't jump to conclusions, Van. I mean, he might have had the drugs already, and just spent the money to dunk Jackie nine thousand times. Clemmons takes the class list from Ms. Hauser, and announces that the locker belongs to an "Eduardo Arozsco [and every single letter in that surname might be wrong, but don't email me]." Veronica asks if he's a freshman. Clemmons: "Senior. Goes by the name of 'Thumper.'" Veronica chews on that into the last commercial break.
Ms. Hauser takes a wood paddle out of the locker and sighs that she doesn't even want to know what he uses it for. Well, now that he's the leader of the PCHers, he gets to initiate members however he wants. Veronica asks to see it, and there are a bunch of letter-number combinations carved into it that could only be license-plate numbers. Clemmons takes the paddle from her, he and Ms. Hauser head out of the room, and Veronica swivels her head with the determination of someone who has to wrap up about eight subplots in the ten minutes.
Thumper jauntily walks through the crowd scaring people with his snake, and thankfully, that's not a euphemism. Said jauntiness diminishes rapidly when he runs into Clemmons and two security guards at the exit.
Veronica enters Clemmons's office as VMVO explains that while it was a bummer when Clemmons took her keys, it made the twenty bucks she spent on a duplicate set seem like a solid investment. I can't believe I didn't express my disappointment at the time that she didn't gloatingly inform us she had a duplicate set, so this is perfectly fine to me. She finds the paddle, and her exhalation of "license plates" makes the VMVO that preceded it even more deserving of an "N" than at first it seemed. Veronica goes to the copier, but when she opens it, she finds Ms. Hauser's health test in it, which is labeled "Alcohol and Alcoholism." And thanks to Lianne, any idea Veronica had that she needed to study for this exam just flew out the window. Veronica folds up the test, copies the license numbers...
...and then, in the hallway, finds Jackie, whom she informs that she knows her innocence: "I'm about to watch Ms. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything..." If you sold tickets to that, Veronica, the senior class would be able to afford Fiji. Jackie smiles and follows Veronica.
Madison is lamenting the fact that they only have $3000 for the trip when Veronica and Jackie join her, J.B., and Clemmons and Ms. Hauser. (By the way, it was noted on the boards that the carnival went on for hours after the money was stolen, so presumably they would have had some revenue regardless.) Veronica announces that she found "Miss Trashy-Trash," and asks Ms. Hauser if she has anything to say. After a pregnant pause, Ms. Hauser gives a breezy apology to Jackie, and then Veronica hands over the purloined test, mentioning where she found it. Ms. Hauser is aghast, and asks where she got it. Veronica: "In. The. Copy. Machine." To Jackie: "Am I still speaking English?" Hee. Veronica asks who has access to Ms. Hauser's code to the copy machine, and Ms. Hauser says that the only one is her student aide. Madison stirs uncomfortably, since this brings back election-related memories, but the aide is actually J.B., who of course denies the charge. Veronica grandly announces that, for her trick, she'll take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when they return, he'll confess. Don't take too long, Veronica, or the crowd might start to focus in on your use of the word "trick."
Out in the hall, Veronica announces that J.B. knew exactly when the streakers would appear. She opens her laptop and shows him a picture of what she claims is last year's Tritons initiation, but is really a trick of Photoshop. You'd think Veronica of all people would know the difference. But Duncan's in the picture, so we'll go with it, and speaking of him, Veronica tells J.B. that she made a promise to "a certain Triton" that his secret was safe, but that he's gone. She speculates that if they check the copy machine, they'll find that Ms. Hauser's code was used a few minutes after 4. I wonder whose code they would find was used to copy the license-plate numbers. Not that I don't think Veronica would have cribbed someone's code -- I'm just wondering whose. J.B. thinks that the copy machine can't do that, but Veronica tells him that's irrelevant, since if he doesn't confess, she'll post the Triton picture on his homepage: "I've heard what happens to Tritons who reveal their secrets." I'm guessing she's taking it that Rick's babbling about the secretiveness of the society was one of the few things he was truthful about. J.B. tells Veronica that he doesn't have a homepage. Veronica, breezily: "You will." Hee. I should point out that it does seem overly sloppy for J.B. to have left the test in the machine, but maybe he was intent on getting back to see the end of the show. Hey, I don't judge. Veronica suggests J.B. take the road of less resistance, which is confessing...
...which, back in the classroom, he unceremoniously does. Veronica counters J.B.'s lack of grandeur with a loud "Ta-daa!" Hee. As Ms. Hauser tells J.B. not to take the blame if Veronica is intimidating him, Veronica notices a shoe print in the glitter on Ms. Hauser's desk. Veronica looks up at the ceiling as J.B. reavows that he stole the test, and then Veronica gets up on the desk and opens one of the ceiling panels over Ms. Hauser's protests. Veronica finds an envelope full of money, and then muses that she never realized how useful glitter could be. Well, that may be, but I've been to enough gay bars to tell you that the stuff is still overused. We see what Veronica's talking about: there's a shoe print in the glitter, and Jackie notes that not many people wear high heels to a carnival. Clemmons instructs Ms. Hauser to lift up her foot, and her shoe is a match and has glitter on its sole. Veronica suggests that Ms. Hauser took her stash before handing Veronica the money (which means that the money she just found is over and above the twelve grand, leaving the thief nine grand more). Clemmons takes the envelope, and as he and Ms. Hauser adjourn to his office to discuss the matter further, he notes, with just a hint of a smile, that this is why he takes the advice of some of his students. Aw. But don't be too hard on Ms. Hauser there, Van. She was only going to use the money to try to get her groove back. Veronica gloats to Madison that, with six grand, they're going to Magic Mountain: "You know there's a ride called the Viper, right? Isn't that, like, your mothership?" I find that line very Sharon Cherski for some reason. Jackie chuckles, and on their way out, she asks if there's anyone there who isn't a thief or a cheat. Girl, you have no idea.
Sometime later, Dick finds Madison in the parking lot and asks if she wants to go to his car for a "quickie." Madison genially says that she's moved on to older men, with whom she enjoys more "longies." She and Dick should compare notes in about half an hour. Dick then sees a person adjusting that person's thigh-high stockings. After some flirting about younger men and some attendant leering, they get into Dick's car, Dick opening the passenger door for the person. My sudden excessive use of gender neutrality should be in no way considered a spoiler. But I should add that the people who thought the person looked a lot like Alanis Morissette weren't exactly wrong.
Logan and Hannah are leaving the carnival as her tells her not to hold his hand: "Save it for the date." They stop as Hannah says she's getting picked up there, and they make googly eyes at each other as he tells her he'll see her Saturday. My guess is that there's going to be a run on blonde-haired, blue-eyed voodoo dolls between now and then. She starts to go, but Logan pulls her in to mack, and then explains, "Just in case you don't kiss on the first date." There are probably other things she won't do on the first date, but I don't know if you can get away with them in the parking lot. Anyway, Hannah's ride shows, and as she hops in, we see it's Dr. Griffith, whom she greets as "Daddy." Logan kneels down, and fixes Dr. Griffith with a triumphant look. I admit that I knew about this development from spoilers, so I wasn't left to wonder why Logan was spending all this time on a girl who would actually be shocked by the Shocker. Still, well played, you psychotic argyle-sodden jackass.
Dick hops out of his car, spitting, and asks what the hell that was. The person, in a lower voice than before: "What do you call yours?" My guess is we don't want to know what Dick calls his, but luckily, that's not the point (s)he's trying to make. Beaver and Mac are sitting on the hood of her car holding up ignited lighters in the air, which (a) word, and (b) HA! Dick marches over to Beaver and shoves him down, fist in the air, but before he can swing, Beaver bites out, "You hit me, and you'll suffer worse, I promise you." Dick looks unconvinced, but Beaver evilly raises his eyebrows and asks if he remembers Sally. Dick's fist goes limp, following a different body part's lead, and Logan isn't too good a friend to Dick not to taunt him, "Would that you could spit out the memories." For once it's a revelation to note that a Beaver has quite a set of teeth. He is so my favorite character.
Keith is drunkenly telling Cook how he caught one of Cook's three career home runs. He's so cute when he's a sports fan. Cook says that he needs to call a cab, adding that he'll pick up his car the day, and then asks for confirmation that Keith is taking his case. Keith asks if there's anything else Cook needs to tell him and, when the answer's negative, says he can't, because Cook still isn't coming clean with him. Cook is like, "Who, me?" but Keith plays the audio file of Lamb blackmailing him. Cook confesses that Naima (actual first name: "Leslie") was there when the two guys broke in, and what's more, they were Fitzpatricks. Those boys have their fingers in a lot of pies, and in case the censors are still reading, I'm not talking vagina this time. (Of course, that's usually a fairly safe bet.) Cook adds that Naima overheard something she shouldn't have. After some prodding by Keith, Cook confesses that he has a gambling problem, and that, to pay off a multimillion-dollar debt, he threw an ALCS (American League Championship Series) game. It seemed pretty likely that he did something like this, as I noted at the time, but that doesn't stop Keith's lower lip from quivering. As Cook relates the details of how he intentionally threw a big fat meatball that got clocked for a three-run homer, Keith's face shows us what shattering looks like in slow motion. Cook says that Naima heard the whole thing, and said that if Cook ever left her, she'd sell the story. In a small voice, Keith says that he was almost at that game, but that Veronica got the chicken pox, so he watched it glued to his TV with his jersey and his foam finger: "Pretty silly, huh? You know what's even more silly? The superstitious fan in me thought we lost that game because I wasn't there. I even felt a little guilty, like I let you guys down." I don't know if there's anything sadder than watching a forty-something bald guy realize that it's time to put away childish things. Cook can't take the long version of "Say It Ain't So, Joe," and gets up to leave, but Keith calls after him that he charges fifty bucks an hour plus expenses. Cook asks why Keith's taking the case after all. Keith, heartbreakingly: "You're Terrence Cook! You wouldn't kill a bus full of kids. I still believe that." Cook bails, and I hope he's going to pay the cab driver extra when he vomits all over the back seat from beer and shame.
Neptune High. Weevil pulls into the parking lot driving an old restored American car, and Veronica goes to greet him with a smile. She tells him that she made up the whole thing about the name and number on the fifty-dollar bill, and Weevil is forced to compliment her. I suppose Veronica knew that the culprit had to be in that room, but it's not clear what she hoped to accomplish with the lie. Some of the posters speculated that she floated the story simply to smoke the thief out or goad him into making a mistake, which seems like the most likely explanation. But it's still unclear, and I wish it weren't, since it comes across as a clumsy device existing solely so that we and Veronica can learn who really stole the money. It's the only real mystery-related flaw I see in a very well-plotted and complex episode. Veronica adds that Weevil must have broken Thumper's lock and put on his own after he was done planting the evidence, but she doesn't know where he hid the cash box. Weevil says that he did, in fact, hide it in Ophelia's backpack, and then she went and stashed it in the ball pit. After Veronica had searched her pack, she went back in and got it in advance of Veronica having it emptied. Damn, for a tough guy, Weevil certainly dances well. Veronica concludes that while she was having the ball pit searched, Weevil was planting the evidence, but he adds that he had to go back and throw in the incriminating fifty. Veronica: "So when you rented The Thomas Crown Affair: McQueen? Or Brosnan?" Heh. Weevil asks if she didn't bust him because of undying love, or just good old-fashioned lust. Veronica: "Love...of roller coasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates." Now we know why Logan had to sip champagne and listen to "Crimson and Clover" all by himself last season. Veronica adds that it had nothing to do with Weevil, but from the way she smiles to end the episode, plenty of people thought this foreshadowed a romance between the two of them. I really hope not, if for no other reason than I'll end up in an asylum if I have to read hundreds of posts analyzing the pros and cons of "Weeveronica."
time: Jackie gets accused of stealing money, and Veronica has to...oh, wait. Stupid UPN promo department.