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I hope you'll forgive me if I take my time here. You see, I don't really remember much about this show. There was something about a blonde girl and a bus crash, but that was way back before the 2006 Winter Olympics, when I didn't have rheumatoid arthritis and an impaired memory. Or did I? No idea, really. Anyway, I'll do my best. Corny gets jumped while delivering pizza. This apparently isn't an isolated incident: Ryan, whom you'll remember as the vengeful gay kid from "Ahoy Mateys," was also jumped while getting severely undertipped, and lost a list of the names of Neptune's gay students. Whoever has the list starts blackmailing the kids, threatening to out them if they don't each cough up five grand. Veronica takes the case, and doesn't even seem to mind that one of the gay kids is pep-squad member Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach. Kristin comes to Veronica all distraught that she's being blackmailed, but in the moment, she outs herself on Neptune TV. I guess But I'm A Cheerleader is popular on Netflix. A couple of baseball players give Dick shit for making out with a guy, and before you know it, one of them is jumped in the manner of the pizza boys. Carmen from "M.A.D." shows up to give Veronica a clue, and this time, it doesn't involve sex acts and frozen desserts. Thanks to that help, Veronica figures out when another fake order comes in, and she catches the mugger, who's a PCH wannabe. He doesn't seem to know anything about the blackmailing, though, so Veronica figures that it was an inside job. She goes to Mac -- who, it turns out, set up the gay kids' chat room, and soon she discovers that the baseball player who was "jumped" is actually gay, and the blackmailer is Kristin, who wanted to out her girlfriend or something. I'll explain in the recap, but Kristin was kind of a screen suck, so moving on. Logan and Hannah are still syrupy-sweet, and Logan gets an invite over to her house, where he and Dr. Griffith have a little tête-à -tête. Griffith tells Hannah the bullshit about the bridge, so Logan counters by informing her that her dad's a cokehead and is in deep with the Fitzpatricks. You wouldn't necessarily expect that to work, but Hannah does some poking around at home and realizes that Logan is telling the truth. Veronica catches on to Logan's game with Hannah, though, so expect him to get an earful or six in the episode. In bus-crash land, Cook doesn't remember what he did after leaving the baseball stadium. Veronica is surprised that Keith took Cook's case, but agrees to help with the investigation. Keith pokes around and finds out that Cook was at an Indian casino at the time of the bus crash. However, getting proof of this is a bit of a sticky wicket, since Cook owes the owner of the casino tons of money. But Keith does manage to uncover evidence showing that Cook couldn't have made the call that detonated the bus bomb. Cook can't let the information about his gambling go public, so he and Keith try bringing it to Lamb. Lamb isn't having it, so Keith blackmails him for blackmailing Cook. But Lamb realizes that Cook has too much to lose, and stands strong in the face of the threat. Damn, check out the balls on Lamb! (Oh, calm down, many of you.) Meanwhile, Veronica and Jackie get closer, leading to Jackie's showing Veronica her dad's collection of cars. But in the airplane hangar (not kidding) where they're housed, Veronica finds explosives and detonators. Time to put your bathing suit back on, Jackie. And oh, by the way, my hearing's going, but I think I heard my name mentioned in there. Funny. I don't remember ordering a pizza. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Before I get started: there was some confusion on the boards about the meaning of the title of the episode. I admit when I first heard it, I thought it was a reference to the fun kind of mushrooms, especially since one of my best friends used surreptitiously to refer to them as "pizza toppings." But I first heard the episode title about two hundred years ago (i.e., before the last break), so it's not surprising that things have changed. Actually, I believe Rob Thomas, er, "straightened" people out about that -- the title is actually an inside joke between him and executive producer Dan Etheridge. Without going into too much detail, if you remove the "ping" from the second word of the title, you'll be able to figure out the gist of it. I'd be worried about chipping away at your innocence if it weren't pretty likely that you...you know, watch the show.
A yellow station wagon pulls up on a dark street and double-parks. A rocking Dandelions song plays as an iPod- and pizza-delivery-uniform-wearing Corny hops out with three pizzas under his left arm. Boy, this place must do good business if it can still turn a profit after accounting for all the times Corny got the munchies. I bet his name's even on the spreadsheet. Anyway, Corny's having a grand old time until someone dressed in black appears behind him and tasers him in the neck. He wonders what he did to piss off Veronica before falling unconscious to the ground.
Neptune High. Veronica parks and gets out of her car, and then Dick pulls up to her. He bangs her car with his door as he gets out, causing her to exclaim, "Dick! You totally nailed me!" Yeah, much like many of the posters, I don't buy that Veronica would leave herself that, um, wide open. Dick makes a crack about his New Year's party, and is unsympathetic about the fact that he scratched Veronica's paint. All the commotion about the car causes two baseball players to appear and advise Dick to frisk Veronica, since she could be "smuggling junk." Dick evenly counters that they're ones to talk, what with all the pitching and catching they do. And that's as close to the episode title as you're going to get. One of the jocks is the guy who made a big deal about dunking Jackie in the last episode, while the other is a wisp of a blond kid, who tells Dick that they're not saying he's gay "just because [he makes] out with a dude here and there." Yeah, but to borrow a phrase from George Costanza, it doesn't help. But speaking of Seinfeld, the fact that Dick's hair looks like he recently switched to a low-flow showerhead is enough to make me think he's still pretty firmly in the hetero camp.
Logan randomly gives some kid attitude about drinking strawberry soda. I don't think it's the sugar he has a problem with, considering that the smooches he then shares with Hannah are seriously causing my teeth to consider bidding goodbye to this cruel world. Logan sneakily asks if Hannah got in trouble with her dad for all their "No, YOU'RE schmoopy" at the carnival, but the answer is no, so he tells her that he really wants to be alone with her. She invites him to her dad's that Saturday (and from the way she puts it, it sounds like her parents are divorced) if he wants to watch a movie. Logan: "I want. To rip your heart out of your chest and eat it as your dad watches in abject horror." My DVR cut the last part out, but luckily, it was pretty obvious.
Mars Investigations. Cook is complaining to Keith about how much his life sucks since Lamb questioned him about the bus crash. Keith maintains that things will go back to normal for him once Lamb drops the charges. And if anyone's in a position to attest to the fairness and rationality of the Neptune populace, it's Keith. He suggests that they focus on keeping Cook out of jail, and asks what he remembers about the day of the crash. Cook recounts his visit to the stadium, and says he left around 5. Keith informs us that the bus went over at 7:03, but Cook says that he doesn't remember anything more until around 11, when he turned on the news. I didn't mention it in the recap for "Driver Ed," but I have to point out that the call Ed made from the convenience store was said to be between 4:15 and 4:30, so unless the traffic was absolute murder on the way back, these times don't really match up. Ironic, too, because if the bus had been in heavy traffic when the bomb went off, that might have prevented murder. Also, though, Road Hog or not, it's kind of hard to believe that Weevil was two and a half hours outside of Neptune just when Veronica happened to need someone to distract her long enough to cause her to miss the bus, thereby saving her life...I mean, "give her a ride." (His motorcycle would be more effective in getting home through traffic, right? Don't email me.) Keith is skeptical that Cook doesn't remember anything, probably because he figures that the vengeful Naima would have made sure she made a "See you in HEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!" phone call as she went over. He realizes, however, that he doesn't remember much about the day in question either, causing Cook to point out that Keith could just as easily have made the phone call that blew up the bus. Ooh, good point! Except not really. Just stand there and look pretty while the Marses get to work, okay?
Speaking of, at school, Veronica happens upon a commotion in the hallway. A girl looks distraught that there's a rainbow-decorated folder, titled "Marlena's Out Box," attached to her locker. She tries to take it down, but Madison appears and takes one of the flyers contained therein. She reads aloud the flyer, which features a poem basically outing Marlena, and Madison notes that it even rhymes, "just like an Indigo Girls song." Madison chose a pretty crunchy reference there, so I'd just love to see the chicks from L7 show up to wipe the homophobia off her face. If that happened, I doubt we'd have to pretend she was dead. Marlena shakily denies writing the poem, so Madison says that it must have been "some other pep-squad lez who has her gym locker to" Madison's. Well, I detect sarcasm, but that actually sounds pretty plausible. Veronica disgustedly walks away as Madison gloatingly reads more of the poem, which even has a line lusting after her. God, Veronica, what's with you? Passing up a chance to defend the socially outcast and take on your "nemesis"? You're off your game.
Down the hallway, Veronica runs into Ryan. He tells her that they have a problem. If your problem is that you're wearing an argyle sweater, Ryan, I think it's sadly safe to say that Veronica is not going to be the person to help you.
Ryan and Veronica have retired to an empty classroom, wherein he tells her that Corny was the fifth pizza boy to be mugged, and that Ryan himself was the fourth. Well, anyone who ordered pizza from those two with the expectation of it turning into a Patrick Dempsey movie would be sorely disappointed for different reasons, but that's still no cause for violence. Ryan informs Veronica that he had a list in his wallet of ten gay Neptune kids who all used a website he set up -- the "Pirates S.H.I.P.," for "Student Homosexual Internet Posting." In the interests of being thematic, I can only imagine they had discussions about going below decks and preparing to be boarded. Veronica asks why a mugger would want to out Marlena, and Ryan says that she didn't cough up the five grand the blackmailer demanded from her. Veronica sighs, "Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?" Well, we have a limited number of staff positions available here, hon. Ryan offers her a hundred bucks from each of the kids on the list, and begs her to find out the identity of the blackmailer. Veronica considers whether she has anything better to do as we go to opening credits.
Pizza place. Veronica establishes that Ryan and Corny were mugged in the same part of town, and that no one at the addresses they were going to had actually ordered a pizza. Veronica asks if they happen to know who lived at those addresses, and Corny takes this opportunity to tell us that the girl he was delivering to is really hot, and that he was hoping she'd answer the door in her "unmentionables." The look on Ryan's face indicates that he considers that euphemism for the girl's undergarments even more a propos than one would have expected. Veronica shakes off the stoner horniness (storniness?) and asks Ryan for a list of names and addresses the mugger used. I can't imagine that's going to be of much interest to me. Also, Corny mentions that the pizza place is Cho's, for those of you who like extra continuity on your pies.
Neptune High. Dick and Logan walk down the hall as Dick babbles that he's not letting some girl use one of his boards: "I'd sooner let her paddle out on my mother." That's not really telling us much about how strongly he feels, because knowing Dick, he'd probably find that scenario strangely hot. Dick continues on that they should invite whoever the girl is to Cabo, and I assume he's talking about their annual Mexico trip. I somehow doubt that Beaver will be invited this year, an idea that's balanced by the vague suspicion that he doesn't give a flying fuck. Dick and Logan blow by Hannah, who chases after them offering them "spirit paraphernalia." Dick's neutral enough toward Hannah, but Logan tosses a bill into the container she's holding with a mumbled "Thanks," and then ignores her completely. Hannah watches him go fondly, smiling as she realizes that she feels like the most special girl in the whole wide world...oh, no, wait. The complete opposite of that.
Veronica enters her office, and as she's washing her hands, Kristin Cavalleri (or "Cavallari"; she's listed both ways) enters and tells Veronica that she needs her help: she's being blackmailed. Veronica's surprised, prompting "Kylie" to blabber, "Sorry to blow your mind, but I'm a lesbian, Veronica." Honey, your delivery is so flat that you could tell me Kevin Covais is going to win American Idol and my mind wouldn't be blown. (Not that we need to test that theory, really.) Kylie hands over the blackmail note and says that she doesn't have that kind of money. Veronica instructs her to respond to the email and ask for another twenty-four hours, and that she'll handle the cash and drop-off. Kylie closes her eyes and smiles in relief, only she totally jumps the gun on it so it looks like she's thrilled that she's getting to ask for an extra day. "Nice" "acting," there. Kylie thanks Veronica, as Veronica gives her the same weird face she gave Ryan. Either she's bummed about the gay kids getting blackmailed, or she's...not.
Mars Investigations. Veronica enters and grabs the ringing phone. She listens to what the caller has to say, and then hangs up and inquisitively informs Keith that he's going to be receiving a credit-card statement of Cook's. Keith looks up, and Veronica asks, "So...are we working for accused mass murderers now?" I'd point out Veronica's numerous examples of shoddy professional ethics in the past, but her flat tone of voice suggests that she always knew this day would come. Just as well -- it's not like I get paid by the hyperlink, although you wouldn't know it with this show. Keith jauntily says that it's possible his judgment is clouded, but that he's got a gut feeling. Veronica notes that if Cook is, in fact, guilty, she's off the hook: "Everyone didn't die because of me." Yeah, I've only been saying that for about ten episodes now. Keith suggests that Veronica focus on the idea that Keith's doing a favor for her friend's dad. It's nice that he's trying to make her feel better, but considering her friends' dads include a former heroin addict, a man who was indirectly responsible for Keith's being forced out as sheriff, and a guy who tried to kill Veronica, maybe he should just cut to the chase and buy her a pony. Veronica wryly says that she and Jackie aren't exactly "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants." Hee. She adds that Jackie isn't exactly huggable. Keith: "Whereas you warm right up to people?" Heh, and aw. They make goofy faces at each other, and Veronica tells Keith that she wants to help: "And your gut is good enough for me." She adds that she needs to feel like she's doing something right now, and I'm sure the gay kids really appreciate all the time and effort she's not putting into their case. Keith asks her to make a couple of calls, and she agrees.
Sometime later, Veronica's on the phone when Cook enters. She tells him to go on in to Keith's office. We see Veronica get connected and introduce herself, but then we cut to Keith as he tells Cook that he's still trying to figure out where Cook was at the time of the crash. He also exposits that Cook has a brother, should it prove to be important. Veronica enters, having finished her call, and establishes that Cook visited a "Hank Melton" at "Mint Condition Car Detailing." Cook says that Hank works on his car "whenever...," and such uncomfortable silences certainly speak well for the Mars family's new level of clientele. Keith excuses Veronica, and when she's safely out of earshot all of eight feet away, Cook says that he always goes to Mint Condition on his way to the "Seven Rivers Casino." Keith says that's great news: casinos are the most photographed places on earth. The Seven Natural Wonders Of The World murmur haughtily to each other. Cook thinks he's not off the hook yet: a "Leonard Lobo" runs the Indian casino, and Cook owes the place millions of dollars. So Cook really didn't learn his lesson from having to throw that game. Man. Cook says that the Fitzpatricks who visited his house were delivering a message for Lobo that his payments were overdue. Keith just nods weirdly, so I guess he's over being emotional about the tarnishing of his hero's image. Then again, he is sober this time.
Classroom. It looks like study hall, given that a Navigator broadcast is playing. Ryan comes in, sits to Veronica, and establishes that the night was a waste; she tracked a dummy email address. This perhaps should have raised a red flag -- what blackmailer doesn't want to get paid? Anyway, Ryan hands over the names and addresses of "something unintelligible ordered pizzas." Ryan begs Veronica to do something: the shippers are starting to freak. I've seen that happen, and it can get pretty ugly. Veronica's eyes narrow in recognition at seeing one of the names on the list, but before she can say who it is, Kylie comes on the monitor with a story about how the pizza attacker struck again, but this time, he chose a seemingly random victim -- Kelly Kuzzio, who happens to be the blond baseball player who was busting on Dick. Nice red herring, here -- Dick could have used the attacks as cover to get revenge on Kelly for his taunts. Kylie holds the mike for Kelly, who says that after practice the night before, he stopped by Sac-n-Pac to get a drink. I hope he said hi to Wallace, because none of the rest of us is going to get to. Kelly tells us that the mugger took his watch, his wallet, and worst of all, his rims. I guess the censors are live to any comments about rim jobs these days. That's what you get for crowing about your victories. Anyway, the rims apparently cost six grand. Also, Kelly is not a very good liar, from the way he's pacing while talking like he just quit a three-pack-a-day cigarette habit. Once Kelly's done, Kylie takes the mike back and outs herself as Marlena's girlfriend, and says that the pizza mugger can forget about collecting from her. He probably had already done so, assuming he realized that he might have had to hear her talk. The class erupts in predictable giggles, although the sendback to the befuddled anchor is hilarious, and Veronica notes that Kylie won't be needing her help anymore. Not unless you're willing to tutor people in line deliveries, Veronica. Which, despite being a little off your game this episode, you really, really should.
Neptune High. Kylie and Marlena walk out and proud down the hallway, although in spite of Kristin Cavalleri's wretched acting, you can tell that Kylie's a lot outer and prouder than Marlena is. Dick and some non-speaking friend of his watch appreciatively, and Dick exhorts them to "let your freak flag fly, ladies!" It's too bad that Being John Malkovich sort of by definition can never be remade, because I can't think of anyone better to take over from Charlie Sheen in singing the praises of lesbian witches than our boy Dick here. Veronica appears, causing Dick to ask her why she keeps following him, and the extra to get in a little mime work of the "here's my cue to leave" variety. Veronica asks if it would help if she started making out with her girlfriend. Dick: "Yeah! Obviously!" Hee, although I think "Obvi" is even more of a Dick response. Dick says that he'll take care of her car, but that she should leave him alone: "You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude kryptonite, Veronica." I hope she's the green kind, because if she's red, that would mean she might be lowering Dick's inhibitions, and that's certainly something that would blow my mind. Among other things.
Anyway, Dick takes off, and Veronica sulks for a moment before noticing Carmen from "M.A.D." Aw -- my favorite episode. Veronica approaches her and asks if she's heard from "our favorite videographer" lately. Carmen says that Tad called at Christmas and tried to apologize: "Like people even remember my scandal anymore. Pleasuring inanimate objects was so 2005." If that's true, it's a real miracle that Jessica Simpson isn't pregnant. Veronica asks Carmen if she knows why the mugger would have used her address, and she says no. Veronica says that three of the deliveries were to her, the hot girl Corny was drooling over, and a third student, who all live close to each other. Carmen says that all three of them are also "coconuts," a term referring to Latin(o/a)s who date white people, get good grades, etc. -- like "Oreos" or "Twinkies," but brown. Veronica sympathizes, and Carmen good-naturedly says that Veronica didn't make the rules. Veronica asks Carmen if she could make a list of all the people at Neptune who get made fun of for being a coconut. Before we get out of this scene, I should add that the third student Veronica mentioned was a "John Ramos." Given that that's my real name, I'm guessing coconuts also get shout-outs from white people. Also, awesome. Thanks, Phil (and everyone else, non-whites included).
Parking lot. Veronica catches Kelly at his car and purees his story about the rims, noting that he would have had to be unconscious for ages for someone to get all of them off the car before he woke up. Kelly takes off in a huff as Veronica watches appraisingly. Better drive like an arrow, Kelly -- you don't want to clue her in.
Ding dong! Hannah opens her door to find Logan. She's not nearly as pissed off with him as she should be, and he feeds Hannah some bullshit about his "innate ability to compartmentalize." He's also got an innate ability to be a raging dickhead, as well as an innate ability to act queenier than Liberace, but emphasizing those traits might have resulted in the slamming of the door and possibly the release of the hounds. Instead, Hannah stares neutrally, so Logan boo-hoos that his first girlfriend was murdered, and his last one nearly got shot in a PCHer drive-by. He tells Hannah that he's trying to protect her, and she, feigning indecision, lets him in, as if this wasn't a foregone conclusion from the moment she saw his fugly Xterra from her bedroom window.
Later, Logan feeds Hannah popcorn on the couch as a movie plays. He asks why her parents split up, and she says that, officially, they grew apart, but that she knows it was really about money. Dr. Griffith comes downstairs, and Hannah introduces Logan. Griffith pauses for an eternity before saying hello, and then going back up the stairs. Hannah: "Sorry. That's about the most you'll get out of dad." Oh, so he's gagging on his own bile pretty much all the time?
Later, Logan comes out of the second-floor bathroom to find Griffith waiting for him. Griffith asks what he's doing with Hannah. Logan: "You want the complete play-by-play?" I doubt it goes much beyond kissing and rubbing noses like Eskimos. But the answer is still: GOD, no. Griffith attempts some bravado that rings about as true as Kylie's dykedom, but it's from good acting, not bad. Logan tells him that if he wants Logan to stay away from Hannah, he'll rethink his testimony about Logan on the bridge. Griffith threatens to tell Hannah Logan's game, but when Logan suggests that he go ahead and do just that -- and, while he's at it, explain to Hannah why he never told her about being the mystery witness in Logan's case -- he backs off, begging Logan not to do this. Logan evilly says that he doesn't want to keep Hannah waiting, and flutters his eyebrows a few times for effect. He goes downstairs as Griffith stares and wonders how far this kid will really take this. Well, as Logan himself told none other than Liam Fitzpatrick, he's had a very bad year.
Casino. A broad-shouldered, besuited Native American guy, presumably Lobo, pedeconferences with Keith, saying that he doesn't think Cook can afford to get further in debt to him. Keith tells Lobo that if Cook goes to jail, he won't be able to pay Lobo any of the money he owes. Lobo sees the logic in that, and sends an underling to check the tapes. Given the setting, Keith, I'd say that this calls for a "Well played, Mr. Mars. Well played." Lobo gives Keith a couple of chips with which to entertain himself while he waits. Careful, Keith -- Veronica should have one parent who lacks a debilitating addiction. Rogaine doesn't count.
Outside her house, Logan and Hannah exchange a long kiss of the "Slap her, she's..." variety, and then Logan bids her adieu until the day. He zooms off, and then Griffith appears and says he needs to talk to Hannah. I suggest the strategy of forbidding her to date anyone who drives that hideous car. I mean, I know she likes Logan, but she's got to see reason, right?
Casino. Keith is in the anchor position at a blackjack table. When the decision comes to him, he stares indecisively, and it would be awesome if there were a Jeopardy! slot machine within earshot that could editorialize here by playing its theme music. But we'll settle for the guy on Keith's right crabbing that he's agonizing over two bucks. Hee. Keith hits, but at that moment, Lobo's goon comes and gets him. Just as well he busted, then.
Pizza place. Corny takes an order from someone, and Veronica checks the list Carmen gave her and finds a match. Veronica has a throwaway line about the chains no longer delivering to South Neptune, so I guess they're still going with that whole class-warfare idea, and wake me up when that's important. Veronica asks if Corny's ready to be the bait, and he says that no one's better: "I'm what you call the master bait." Aw, it's kind of sad that that got by. Because that means the censors all finally went insane trying to keep up with this show, and it just was really never a fair fight, you know? Also, I'm starting to think Corny is best in small doses. Not that he's familiar with such a concept.
Lobo gives Keith pictures of Cook, which place Cook in the casino at 7:01 and 7:06. Keith asks if he can get a picture of Cook at 7:03. What he gets is a picture of Lobo's shrinking backside, which is going to be somewhat less helpful to the investigation...
...but, in the casino, fortunes can change quickly, as Keith pulls out his phone to make a call and finds he can't get a signal. An employee tells him he needs to go outside: they jam all the cell signals in a hundred-yard radius to thwart card cheaters. Keith looks happy enough that he'd probably drop ten bucks at the blackjack table, if he only had several hours to spare.
Masterbaition. Corny gets out of his car with three pizzas, looking considerably less jaunty than he was in the first scene. I suppose the "unmentionables" on a tasering mugger could be less arousing than he's used to imagining. Anyway, the mugger appears forthwith and tries to sneak up on him, but Veronica nabs him with a trip wire...
...and then he's waking up to find Backup growling at him. The mugger -- who's just a kid -- gets to his feet and takes off his mask. Veronica asks his name, and when he hesitates, she bites out, "Do you want to deal with me, or do you want to deal with Mr. Chompers?" Ha! I love Backup, but I may have to experiment with calling him "Mr. Chompers" from now on. Anyway, the kid's name is Arturo, and Mr. Chompers barks away as Veronica asks Arturo whom he's working with, since he couldn't have done the rim job all by himself. (Tee hee break! Okay.) Arturo says that he wasn't behind that particular theft -- he just figured he had a copycat. He calls Corny "Shaggy," which hee, and explains that he's proving himself to the bikers: "PCH is back in charge, lady." Yes, a freshman with delusions of grandeur is certainly enough to convince me of that. No wonder Domino's is quaking in its boots! Also hilarious: Corny continuing to clutch the pizza as if it's his firstborn. Veronica repeats the "lady" and flares the taser, and then asks about the blackmailing. Arturo makes it clear that he can't pronounce the word, let alone execute the concept, so Veronica cuts bait and shows him the tape she just made of their conversation...
...and then a sheriff's car is pulling up. Sacks gets out of the car to find Arturo duct-taped to a street sign. Above him, there's an envelope marked "Confession Inside," and Sacks takes it down and opens it to find the tape. He smiles to himself, no doubt figuring that Veronica Mars is behind this windfall. Or perhaps he's just glad that he's not the one with duct tape on his lip.
Neptune High. Veronica finds Mac in the computer room and says she needs Mac's help to get into a restricted website. See, once you start taking on accused mass murderers as clients, you dispense with such social niceties as saying "hello." Mac's less fazed about the lack of manners and more about the fact that Veronica doesn't know the URL; Veronica describes it as a "Neptune High gay chat room." Mac hesitatingly asks, "Veronica, you're not..." Veronica says no, but that she's "curious," and I think the long break was as hard on Veronica as anyone else, because the girl who's usually so sharp with her words and witticisms has been so inattentive that she's managed, in this one episode, to imply that she slept with Dick while fantasizing about Madison. Anyway, Veronica and Mac get through that little bit of awkward, but there's another problem -- Mac did security for the site after some dickhead found it and posted a bunch of offensive stuff. Yay for ban functions and reg queues! Veronica tries to tell Mac that she's helping Ryan, but Mac asks why he didn't just let her on. Veronica grimaces: "Damn you and your valid questions." These two always have such cute scenes, seriously. Mac in the opening credits, please. Veronica begs Mac to let her on so that she can help the other kids, and Mac cutely says that Veronica's embarrassing her. Mac prints out a copy of some forum posts, but says that Veronica has to burn the page when she's done. If they're as detailed as some stuff I've seen on the internet, I think it's safe to say that's only the beginning of what she'll do to purge them from her memory.
Sometime later, Veronica is circling a username, "KISSNKUZN," when the gym/computer teacher/basketball coach who's now officially been in too many episodes to link to enters. Veronica asks him if she could ride with the team that night, since her car's in the shop, and she promised his "star point guard" she'd be there. The coach denies her request -- he wants his boys focused on homoerotic pre-game rituals that the presence of a woman would disrupt -- but Jackie, who's just entered, offers Veronica a ride: "I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better." Veronica asks if she's got room for Veronica's giant foam finger, and Jackie says yes: "I can even drop you off around the block, if you're worried about being seen together." Veronica smilingly begs Jackie to protect her reputation, and Jackie returns the smile and leaves as Veronica notes that those jeans she's wearing would probably fit her real nice. Veronica goes back to her list, but Ryan catches her in the act, and the fact that she didn't have an innocent-looking folder or paper on hand with which to cover the incriminating evidence is further proof that the hiatus has put Veronica off her game something fierce. Ryan, however, says it's fine -- he just didn't want to let her onto the site himself, since he's let the users down enough. He must have provided them with some really substandard free content. Veronica tells him that the mugger had nothing to do with the blackmailing, so Ryan's losing the list can't have anything to do with it. She advances the idea that one of the posters is the blackmailer, and suggests it might have been a "Miz P," a guy who went on about the "outing of all outings," and then disappeared. Dude, if there's something as certain as death and taxes, it's this: Tom Cruise does not take chances. Ryan says that Ms. P's name was Peter Ferrer, and he was -- say it with me -- killed in the bus crash. So if my count is right, we now know seven of the eight people on the bus -- the five I mentioned here, Ryan's boy Marcos, and this Peter. Only one more chance to be proactive and find out the last victim, Veronica. Actually, it's not so much "being proactive" as "giving the slightest indication that you care," but after all this time I've figured out that you respond better to honey than vinegar. Ryan adds that there's been another blackmailing: the perp told the victim that he or she could come to Veronica for help, but that he wouldn't hold his breath if he were her. (Enough pronouns in that sentence?)
Hannah's reading in a full classroom when Logan enters and gives the teacher a note.
Cut to the hallway, from which Logan grabs Hannah and pulls her into an empty science classroom. She asks what he's doing, and he smiles, "It depends. What are you gonna let me do?" I don't know, but if your balls are involved in any way, I'd check first to see how painful the footwear that Hannah's sporting looks. Hannah informs Logan that her dad told her about the bridge, but Logan straight-up says that her dad is a liar, and wasn't even there. But for anyone who thinks Logan's truly coming clean with her, I'd point out that he says he didn't know who Hannah's dad was when he met her at the carnival, which seems eminently false, if only from the way he was so expectant when Dr. Griffith showed up. Logan adds that Hannah's dad is a cokehead, and in deep to the Fitzpatricks. Well, it's nice to see that Logan isn't going for the clichés like candy and flowers, but I think this approach to winning a girl's heart might have a few problems all its own. He says that the Fitzpatricks are the ones who really wanted Felix dead. Noting Hannah's torn expression, he urges her to think about what he's said, and also to check around the house. Man, is Logan a dick. If he weren't such good TV, I'd have to...write mean things about him? It occurs to me I don't really have a whole lot of other options.
Mars Investigations. Keith triumphantly shows Cook the pictures and tells him about the cell phone jamming, but Cook tells him that the pictures show he was in a private meeting with Lobo, who's an unsavory character in the sports betting world: "If I admit that I was in his office, I make myself the Pete Rose." Rather than pointing out that being the Pete Rose might be preferable to being the O.J. Simpson, Keith suggests that they take the photos to Lamb, and that Keith will use "a little leverage" to make sure the photos don't get out. Are they gonna arm-wrestle? Because that would be cool!
Parking lot. Veronica spies a silver car with the vanity plate "Kuzzikan." Just like that, she's in the car with Kelly, telling him that he didn't get mugged. He admits that, and she surmises that he needed to make some fast cash: "You're gay, aren't you?" Kelly looks around like he never thought of it that way. Given what he said to Dick earlier, that seems very possible.
Klosetkar. Kelly asks what Veronica wants, and Veronica asks him why he acts the way he does. Kelly says he just wants to survive high school. Of course, quitting a team sport might make coming out less intimidating, but maybe he's seen The Broken Hearts Club and is just planning for the future. Veronica catches us up: Kelly hocked his rims (heh heh heh) to pay the blackmailer, used the pizza-mugging story as cover, and collected the insurance money and bought new rims. Kelly: "Sounds bad when you say it." Well, that may be, but it'd be ten times worse coming out of Kylie's mouth. Kelly tells Veronica that if people find out about him, he's dead, and I have to admit that his resigned tone is kind of heartbreaking. Veronica tells him that she won't out him, but asks to see the email. Kelly says it's from a "Rick Santorum," and that would normally be only hilarious, but is actually side-splitting in the context of this episode if you click this link I came across. (But it's gross, so be warned.) Kelly adds that "Santorum" gave him an address, which surprises Veronica. Honey, I just gave you his address too.
Hannah checks the outgoing call logs on her home phone, and finds a number of calls to the River Stix and to the Fitzpatricks.
Cut to Hannah inspecting the medicine cabinet in what's presumably her dad's bathroom. She empties out a box of bandages and finds a bag of what looks like coke. Given that Logan was in that bathroom (presumably unnecessarily, since that enormous first floor had to have a bathroom of its own) and that he directed Hannah to look around the house, he pretty clearly planted the drugs, and he is one stone-cold douchebag. Jason Dohring may be a charismatic actor, but it is going to take some serious writing to bring Logan back to remotely sympathetic. (Need I say it? DON'T email me.)
Mars Investigations. Veronica tells Ryan that the "Rick Santorum" address was a fake, and that Kelly mailed his payment, but that it's been stuck at the post office for hours. She opens her laptop to find that the money has finally moved. Ryan says he recognizes the address as Veronica smiles...
...and at school, Veronica confronts Kylie at her locker, greeting her as "Blackmailer." Kylie breezes that she figured she'd be seeing Veronica, and hands over the tracking device. I can't stand this scene, so here's the short version: Kylie's mom works at the post office, so that's how she got her hands on the package. (Which: FIRED!) Kylie blackmailed Kelly to get money to get out of Neptune after graduation, and she picked him because he's a self-hater. She outed Marlena because Kylie's a "horrible crazy bitch," and she wanted the two of them to be out, even though Marlena wasn't ready, and she's going to tell Marlena herself that she was the blackmailer all along. This revelation makes no sense. It's probably an effort to get Kristin more lines. In no way do those last two sentences contradict each other. So, to sum up again, Kylie went to a preposterous amount of trouble to scar her girlfriend for life so that she could walk down the hall with her for a few months before taking some felonious money to get out of town and never see the girl whose life she ruined again. Also, Kristin cannot act her way out of a paper bag, and I might have dinged the episode grade solely on her relative lack of talent alone. Somewhere, Teddy Dunn is all, "You called me wooden, bitch? You didn't know from wooden, until now!" And he's absolutely right.
Logan catches Hannah in the hallway. She tells him he was right about her dad. He chases after her and takes her hand. He might as well have an electric buzzer in it. The "happy" "couple" passes Veronica, who asks Mac who Hannah is. When Mac mentions that Hannah's dad is a plastic surgeon, Veronica's head whips around so fast that Linda Blair is forced to acknowledge her superior flexibility.
Jackie pulls her Bronco into an airplane hangar full of cars, saying that she's not driving seventy-five miles in that piece of crap. It's really unlucky for Lobo that Cook blew all his money on mint collectible cars. Those things have absolutely no resale value. Jackie exposits that The Woodman lets Cook use the hangar for "his toys."
Speaking of, Keith and Cook go in to see Lamb. Lamb's not wearing his tie and has his top button undone, so either it's the end of a very long day, or The Seventh Veil is putting a toe in the water again. Keith tells Lamb to announce that Cook has been cleared of suspicion in the bus crash. Lamb: "This some kind of Jedi mind trick?" If Keith had that talent, I think the Cook request would take a back seat to having Lamb make out with Sacks at a town meeting, and without sparing the tongue. Keith hands over the folder with the pictures, but Lamb is unimpressed even with the cell-reception-blocking revelation, saying that Cook could have used a pay phone. Keith challenges Lamb to subpoena the phone records, but Lamb yawns at that idea, and I really do wonder why Lamb is so set on Cook being the culprit here, given that he seems to have a motive but absolutely no evidence. (Okay, so it's not the first time.) Keith hands over a CD and says that Lamb's not going to press charges. Lamb plays the recording of him blackmailing Cook, and looks put out for a moment, but tells Cook that if he releases the recording, Lamb will only lose his job, but Cook will wave bye-bye to his endorsements and his Hall of Fame induction: "Where's the trade in that, Terrence?" Well, I can see why Cook owes so much money to the casino, because he just got schooled in that little game of poker.
Jackie is letting Veronica drive back as the two of them gush about how great Wallace played and how they can't let him know that so as not to inflate his ego. Jackie then says that Cook told her Veronica's helping out with his case, and that it means a lot. If they pull over to the curb and make out, it isn't shown, but that's only fitting with all the closet activity in this episode.
Hangar. Veronica parks, and Jackie notices that the top of the convertible is broken. Veronica thinks it's a blown fuse, and says she just needs a Phillips-head screwdriver. Jackie's all, "Philly who?" even though I don't think flat heads are any good for scraping derogatory descriptions of you off bathroom walls. She directs Veronica to a different part of the hangar, and I'm probably hallucinating since I didn't see anyone post about this, but the subtle shot of Jackie's smile fading suggests to me that she had an idea of what Veronica was going to find. Which is, when we cut to Veronica opening a cabinet, something that prompts some very dramatic music...
...and the thing you know, Veronica's waking Keith up, and telling him that she found some explosives and detonators in the hangar. Keith sighs, "So much for my gut." Yes, much like Veronica's memory, as it's THE WOODMAN'S HANGAR. Nonetheless, DUN DUN DUN! Or at least one of those.