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I'm sometimes annoyed with how revealing these previews are, but that doesn't mean I didn't giggle at "Say 'repressed homosexuality'!" for the billionth time.
Neptune High. In a classroom, some jock hangs a sign that reads "Welcome to Winter Carnival" on a snowman. Veronica enters and walks by some gangly dude and Madison sitting at table working on another sign. Madison informs the guy that he's going too heavy on the Elmer's: "Do I look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?" You know, as I mentioned once before, the censors should really start looking for cues from the characters, such as Corny's and Weevil's obvious guffawing here. Because it's clear that the censors are so bad at identifying dirty doubleentendres that I'm expecting the new student at Neptune to be named "Haywood Jablome." MS. Hauser shushes Corny and Weevil before asking Veronica what she wants, not without some annoyance. Veronica says that Mr. Pope sent her to get some decorations for the FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) booth, so Ms. Hauser asks the gangly dude, "J.B.," to get the "hills." The only references "hills" immediately cause to spring to my mind are "there's gold in them there..." and "...are alive with the sound of music." I guess the former is what was being aimed at, but now I have the image stuck in my head of the entire FBLA class twirling around while holding sprigs of edelweiss. Hang on a minute, I want to enjoy this. J.B. protests that he can't help Veronica, since she's his nemesis, but then leaves with a sly smile. Madison chuckles, because unlike the censors, she's able to derive meaning from context. Veronica asks Madison, "His nemesis? Did we break up?" Well, Veronica, you didn't stay around for the whole slumber party. Not that I blame you. Madison finishes up her sign by blowing a lot of excess glitter off it.
Across the room, Corny is stoner-talking with Weevil. Ms. Hauser snits that the week's exam is worth 30% of their grade and, at Corny's stoner-laugh, mutters that one day her ship will come in. Weevil asks if only the kids with the scissors and the glue can talk, but Ms. Hauser smoothly counters that the student council is working hard to raise money for the senior trip. Weevil exposits that the non-09ers want to go to Magic Mountain, but Madison says it's going to be Catalina: "I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman The Ride." A fair sentiment, since they'd probably wait to do so until Madison was right under them. J.B. returns with the hills, and tells Veronica she'd better watch her back, since he's only three thousandths of a point behind her in the Kane Scholarship race. We haven't seen Veronica studying much this season, but I'm willing to believe she's been keeping up her average, if only because winning the race will not only take care of her financial concerns but will cause Celeste's head to explode in an apoplectic rage. Come to think of it, I'd bet she'd pass up the former if the latter were guaranteed. Ms. Hauser heaps praise on Madison, Veronica and Madison snit at each other, and then...
...we're in the parking lot, where Jackie is walking, now firmly on Neptune's "Jeers!" list thanks to Lamb's arrest of her dad. Dick, in particular, makes a snide comment about how Jackie's dad killed his classmates, but given the have-nots that were on the bus, he's probably just annoyed that his wedgie pool got smaller. Cora, Jackie's friend, catches her and sympathetically asks how she is. Jackie wonders if all the attention counts as her fifteen minutes of fame: "And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to Winter Carnival?" Well, I'd tell her to ask Logan, but I've seen this episode, and you really don't want to be taking fashion advice from him at the moment. Cora says that Jackie doesn't have to go, but Jackie reminds her that they volunteered in French Club. Madison, overhearing that last, stalks up and tells Jackie she can't go: "Even you're not that tacky." There's something derogatory in that sentence, for sure, but having seen Madison's sign-making and dentist-tripping skills, I'm just not sure which way the insult is blowing. Jackie: "School carnival? Me, you, and the Shake Shack doin' a little 'You're The One That I Want'? I am so there." The fact that Madison's wearing a pink jacket is what makes it art. Although I'm thinking "Beauty School Dropout" might prove to be even more appropriate for her. Madison says that Jackie's being there will ruin everything, and Jackie, with a tinge of sadness, says that's her plan. Aw, Jackie, you're starting to evoke sympathy from the posters. Might be a good time to go spit on Jane Austen's grave.
“ Logan muses that he could use something to suit his mood. Veronica: 'Ooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil.' Fun, yet prescient. ”
Keith is in his office hearing the boring details of a boring case from a boring client. He walks out to the fax machine and, on his way back in, looks over and sees Terrence Cook stand up from the couch and say he doesn't have an appointment, but that he was hoping Keith could see him. Keith goes to throw his other client out the window, since this moment in his life has already taken so long to arrive that he can't possibly wait for the dude to walk all the way to the door.
Winter Carnival. It's a pretty elaborate affair for a high school, or so it seems to me. But the closest thing we ever had to a carnival at my school was when a car rolled over my friend's foot and everyone stood around gawking while it swelled up like a balloon. In the city, you take what you can get. Madison offers pep-squad baked goods to the crowd, and then we see a big circular glass container filled with those plastic balls for kids to jump into. Veronica's stuck selling snow cones and slushies; as she notices all the couples milling about, VMVO sighs, "Two by two. Apparently you can only enter the carnival as if it were the ark." I don't think so, Veronica -- if God wanted to start over, I really don't think he'd keep Dick and Madison around. I mean, there's vengeful, and there's just plain stupid. Logan appears, and he's sporting an unflattering new short haircut, an awful beige jacket with green piping, and a green and white argyle sweater that's worse than anything Duncan ever even considered putting on. Why not just stab yourself in the eye, Logan -- it'll be less painful. For me, at least. (Actually, he is wearing the school colors, but...still.) Veronica asks Logan what his poison is. Logan: "Emotionally unavailable women." Heh. He then muses that he could use something to suit his mood. Veronica: "Ooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil." Fun, yet prescient. Logan orders two slushies, and then spares a look Madison's way and notes, "People really love pep squad pie." And by "pie," he means "vagina." (Just seeing if I get an email from a censor asking for further clarification.) Veronica explains that Madison's dad gives her forty bucks to buy a pie from a "chichi bakery, and then drops three bills to buy it back in front of a live studio audience. He loves her." Logan hands over a fifty, and he and Veronica exchange light quips about money. This whole exchange is full of that fun and interesting "I still kind of like you underneath" subtext that was totally and uncharacteristically absent from the elevator exchange in "Donut Run," so yay. Logan gets his change and notes the people behind him. "The hoi polloi. They don't know what they want 'til I have it." Well, when they're wearing fug-assed argyle, we'll talk. As long as you don't mind visiting my grave.
Elsewhere, Weevil is tending to his adorable little niece, who looks about six. Weevil's clean-shaven, has started growing out his hair, and has lost his jewelry, by the way, which probably are reactions to his ejection from the PCH gang. Of course, an even bigger reaction would be to get his gang tattoos removed, but that would...you know, hurt. But the hair coming in looks really good on him. Maybe he and Logan have some sort of zero-sum hair/looks pact going. Anyway, Weevil buys his niece fifty balloons, one of which Thumper knocks as he walks by. He then says to Weevil, "I thought that was your head." Thumper wasn't kidding when he said he didn't make good speeches.
“ Clemmons discovers some drugs in the locker in which he found the money, and speculates that the thief spent the rest of it already. Sure, but don't jump to conclusions, Van. I mean, he might have had the drugs already, and just spent the money to dunk Jackie nine thousand times. ”
Some amount of beer later, Cook is telling Keith that Naima was supposed to be his "final fling" before marriage (when will we find out what happened to Jackie's mom, do you think?), but that the situation turned into Fatal Attraction. She moved to Neptune, got the teaching job, and told his fiance about the affair, ending the engagement. Damn. It's a good thing for Dick that she died, or she might have exacted some nasty revenge for that "Miss Dumb-Ass" comment; he really might have found out what "eunuch" means. Keith notes that revenge on Naima seems like a compelling motive, and Cook lowers his eyes in agreement. Let's drink a toast to lengthy, expensive trials!
Veronica looks up at the flagpole, gets an idea, and marches over to Weevil. Weevil cautions her that he can't let her frisk him, since Ophelia is at an impressionable age. I have no proof of this, but I'm going to back my judgment and opine that she's seen worse. Veronica asks how Weevil pulled off spindling Mr. X's car, and guesses that it involved some kind of saw. Weevil challenges her to say what's on her mind, but when Veronica points out that Weevil obviously has access to the shop after hours, Weevil tells her that all the guys who take shop have copies of Mr. Dalton's keys. He bails...
...and the thing we know, we're in the shop, as Veronica and Ms. Hauser watch Clemmons use bolt cutters to cut all the locks from a bank of lockers. In the second locker he searches, he finds a stack of bills containing the fifty that Veronica described, but says there's only about three grand in it. Veronica, looking perplexed, takes note of a lockless locker elsewhere in the room, and then Clemmons discovers some drugs in the locker in which he found the money, and speculates that the thief spent the rest of it already. Sure, but don't jump to conclusions, Van. I mean, he might have had the drugs already, and just spent the money to dunk Jackie nine thousand times. Clemmons takes the class list from Ms. Hauser, and announces that the locker belongs to an "Eduardo Arozsco [and every single letter in that surname might be wrong, but don't email me]." Veronica asks if he's a freshman. Clemmons: "Senior. Goes by the name of 'Thumper.'" Veronica chews on that into the last commercial break.
Ms. Hauser takes a wood paddle out of the locker and sighs that she doesn't even want to know what he uses it for. Well, now that he's the leader of the PCHers, he gets to initiate members however he wants. Veronica asks to see it, and there are a bunch of letter-number combinations carved into it that could only be license-plate numbers. Clemmons takes the paddle from her, he and Ms. Hauser head out of the room, and Veronica swivels her head with the determination of someone who has to wrap up about eight subplots in the ten minutes.
“ Veronica goes to the copier, but when she opens it, she finds Ms. Hauser's health test in it, which is labeled 'Alcohol and Alcoholism.' And thanks to Lianne, any idea Veronica had that she needed to study for this exam just flew out the window. ”
Thumper jauntily walks through the crowd scaring people with his snake, and thankfully, that's not a euphemism. Said jauntiness diminishes rapidly when he runs into Clemmons and two security guards at the exit.
Veronica enters Clemmons's office as VMVO explains that while it was a bummer when Clemmons took her keys, it made the twenty bucks she spent on a duplicate set seem like a solid investment. I can't believe I didn't express my disappointment at the time that she didn't gloatingly inform us she had a duplicate set, so this is perfectly fine to me. She finds the paddle, and her exhalation of "license plates" makes the VMVO that preceded it even more deserving of an "N" than at first it seemed. Veronica goes to the copier, but when she opens it, she finds Ms. Hauser's health test in it, which is labeled "Alcohol and Alcoholism." And thanks to Lianne, any idea Veronica had that she needed to study for this exam just flew out the window. Veronica folds up the test, copies the license numbers...
...and then, in the hallway, finds Jackie, whom she informs that she knows her innocence: "I'm about to watch Ms. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything..." If you sold tickets to that, Veronica, the senior class would be able to afford Fiji. Jackie smiles and follows Veronica.
Madison is lamenting the fact that they only have $3000 for the trip when Veronica and Jackie join her, J.B., and Clemmons and Ms. Hauser. (By the way, it was noted on the boards that the carnival went on for hours after the money was stolen, so presumably they would have had some revenue regardless.) Veronica announces that she found "Miss Trashy-Trash," and asks Ms. Hauser if she has anything to say. After a pregnant pause, Ms. Hauser gives a breezy apology to Jackie, and then Veronica hands over the purloined test, mentioning where she found it. Ms. Hauser is aghast, and asks where she got it. Veronica: "In. The. Copy. Machine." To Jackie: "Am I still speaking English?" Hee. Veronica asks who has access to Ms. Hauser's code to the copy machine, and Ms. Hauser says that the only one is her student aide. Madison stirs uncomfortably, since this brings back election-related memories, but the aide is actually J.B., who of course denies the charge. Veronica grandly announces that, for her trick, she'll take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when they return, he'll confess. Don't take too long, Veronica, or the crowd might start to focus in on your use of the word "trick."
Out in the hall, Veronica announces that J.B. knew exactly when the streakers would appear. She opens her laptop and shows him a picture of what she claims is last year's Tritons initiation, but is really a trick of Photoshop. You'd think Veronica of all people would know the difference. But Duncan's in the picture, so we'll go with it, and speaking of him, Veronica tells J.B. that she made a promise to "a certain Triton" that his secret was safe, but that he's gone. She speculates that if they check the copy machine, they'll find that Ms. Hauser's code was used a few minutes after 4. I wonder whose code they would find was used to copy the license-plate numbers. Not that I don't think Veronica would have cribbed someone's code -- I'm just wondering whose. J.B. thinks that the copy machine can't do that, but Veronica tells him that's irrelevant, since if he doesn't confess, she'll post the Triton picture on his homepage: "I've heard what happens to Tritons who reveal their secrets." I'm guessing she's taking it that Rick's babbling about the secretiveness of the society was one of the few things he was truthful about. J.B. tells Veronica that he doesn't have a homepage. Veronica, breezily: "You will." Hee. I should point out that it does seem overly sloppy for J.B. to have left the test in the machine, but maybe he was intent on getting back to see the end of the show. Hey, I don't judge. Veronica suggests J.B. take the road of less resistance, which is confessing...
“ After some flirting about younger men and some attendant leering, they get into Dick's car, Dick opening the passenger door for the person. My sudden excessive use of gender neutrality should be in no way considered a spoiler. But I should add that the people who thought the person looked a lot like Alanis Morissette weren't exactly wrong. ”
...which, back in the classroom, he unceremoniously does. Veronica counters J.B.'s lack of grandeur with a loud "Ta-daa!" Hee. As Ms. Hauser tells J.B. not to take the blame if Veronica is intimidating him, Veronica notices a shoe print in the glitter on Ms. Hauser's desk. Veronica looks up at the ceiling as J.B. reavows that he stole the test, and then Veronica gets up on the desk and opens one of the ceiling panels over Ms. Hauser's protests. Veronica finds an envelope full of money, and then muses that she never realized how useful glitter could be. Well, that may be, but I've been to enough gay bars to tell you that the stuff is still overused. We see what Veronica's talking about: there's a shoe print in the glitter, and Jackie notes that not many people wear high heels to a carnival. Clemmons instructs Ms. Hauser to lift up her foot, and her shoe is a match and has glitter on its sole. Veronica suggests that Ms. Hauser took her stash before handing Veronica the money (which means that the money she just found is over and above the twelve grand, leaving the thief nine grand more). Clemmons takes the envelope, and as he and Ms. Hauser adjourn to his office to discuss the matter further, he notes, with just a hint of a smile, that this is why he takes the advice of some of his students. Aw. But don't be too hard on Ms. Hauser there, Van. She was only going to use the money to try to get her groove back. Veronica gloats to Madison that, with six grand, they're going to Magic Mountain: "You know there's a ride called the Viper, right? Isn't that, like, your mothership?" I find that line very Sharon Cherski for some reason. Jackie chuckles, and on their way out, she asks if there's anyone there who isn't a thief or a cheat. Girl, you have no idea.
Sometime later, Dick finds Madison in the parking lot and asks if she wants to go to his car for a "quickie." Madison genially says that she's moved on to older men, with whom she enjoys more "longies." She and Dick should compare notes in about half an hour. Dick then sees a person adjusting that person's thigh-high stockings. After some flirting about younger men and some attendant leering, they get into Dick's car, Dick opening the passenger door for the person. My sudden excessive use of gender neutrality should be in no way considered a spoiler. But I should add that the people who thought the person looked a lot like Alanis Morissette weren't exactly wrong.
Logan and Hannah are leaving the carnival as her tells her not to hold his hand: "Save it for the date." They stop as Hannah says she's getting picked up there, and they make googly eyes at each other as he tells her he'll see her Saturday. My guess is that there's going to be a run on blonde-haired, blue-eyed voodoo dolls between now and then. She starts to go, but Logan pulls her in to mack, and then explains, "Just in case you don't kiss on the first date." There are probably other things she won't do on the first date, but I don't know if you can get away with them in the parking lot. Anyway, Hannah's ride shows, and as she hops in, we see it's Dr. Griffith, whom she greets as "Daddy." Logan kneels down, and fixes Dr. Griffith with a triumphant look. I admit that I knew about this development from spoilers, so I wasn't left to wonder why Logan was spending all this time on a girl who would actually be shocked by the Shocker. Still, well played, you psychotic argyle-sodden jackass.
“ As Cook relates the details of how he intentionally threw a big fat meatball that got clocked for a three-run homer, Keith's face shows us what shattering looks like in slow motion. ”
Dick hops out of his car, spitting, and asks what the hell that was. The person, in a lower voice than before: "What do you call yours?" My guess is we don't want to know what Dick calls his, but luckily, that's not the point (s)he's trying to make. Beaver and Mac are sitting on the hood of her car holding up ignited lighters in the air, which (a) word, and (b) HA! Dick marches over to Beaver and shoves him down, fist in the air, but before he can swing, Beaver bites out, "You hit me, and you'll suffer worse, I promise you." Dick looks unconvinced, but Beaver evilly raises his eyebrows and asks if he remembers Sally. Dick's fist goes limp, following a different body part's lead, and Logan isn't too good a friend to Dick not to taunt him, "Would that you could spit out the memories." For once it's a revelation to note that a Beaver has quite a set of teeth. He is so my favorite character.
Keith is drunkenly telling Cook how he caught one of Cook's three career home runs. He's so cute when he's a sports fan. Cook says that he needs to call a cab, adding that he'll pick up his car the day, and then asks for confirmation that Keith is taking his case. Keith asks if there's anything else Cook needs to tell him and, when the answer's negative, says he can't, because Cook still isn't coming clean with him. Cook is like, "Who, me?" but Keith plays the audio file of Lamb blackmailing him. Cook confesses that Naima (actual first name: "Leslie") was there when the two guys broke in, and what's more, they were Fitzpatricks. Those boys have their fingers in a lot of pies, and in case the censors are still reading, I'm not talking vagina this time. (Of course, that's usually a fairly safe bet.) Cook adds that Naima overheard something she shouldn't have. After some prodding by Keith, Cook confesses that he has a gambling problem, and that, to pay off a multimillion-dollar debt, he threw an ALCS (American League Championship Series) game. It seemed pretty likely that he did something like this, as I noted at the time, but that doesn't stop Keith's lower lip from quivering. As Cook relates the details of how he intentionally threw a big fat meatball that got clocked for a three-run homer, Keith's face shows us what shattering looks like in slow motion. Cook says that Naima heard the whole thing, and said that if Cook ever left her, she'd sell the story. In a small voice, Keith says that he was almost at that game, but that Veronica got the chicken pox, so he watched it glued to his TV with his jersey and his foam finger: "Pretty silly, huh? You know what's even more silly? The superstitious fan in me thought we lost that game because I wasn't there. I even felt a little guilty, like I let you guys down." I don't know if there's anything sadder than watching a forty-something bald guy realize that it's time to put away childish things. Cook can't take the long version of "Say It Ain't So, Joe," and gets up to leave, but Keith calls after him that he charges fifty bucks an hour plus expenses. Cook asks why Keith's taking the case after all. Keith, heartbreakingly: "You're Terrence Cook! You wouldn't kill a bus full of kids. I still believe that." Cook bails, and I hope he's going to pay the cab driver extra when he vomits all over the back seat from beer and shame.