My Mother, The Fiend

MS., and don't you forget it, Hauser is informing her class, in which sit Duncan and Veronica, that they're moving on to Phase II of Sex Ed. She takes a large baby doll out of a box and intones, "Welcome to parenthood." If this is Phase II, I can only hope the PTA doesn't find out what happened in this classroom during Phase I. Veronica notes, "So that's where babies come from," and Duncan laughs, because having a sense of humor about babies makes complete sense for his character at the moment. Ms. Hauser tells the class that, for the five days, they will each be taking care of their very own "Baby Think-It-Over." Heh. Ms. Hauser then exaggeratedly grabs the doll by the leg and dangles it upside-down, and it starts to cry. She informs the class that the "babies" (there are several other dolls visible in the background) have very sophisticated sensors and memory chips, so if the students screw up in taking care of them, there will be a record of it, and they won't pass the class. With those sensors, High School Mommy and Daddy had better think twice before a-rockin' the car at Inspiration Rock Quarry. Ms. Hauser instructs the class to pair up and pick one "baby" for each couple, but then hands Veronica a note summoning her out of class, so Veronica tells Duncan to pick a good one while she goes to see The Man...

...and then Veronica's rudely opening the door to VP Clemmons's office without knocking. Learn some manners, girl. She tries cracking a couple of jokes, but Clemmons icily asks her to hand over her keys. Veronica tosses one set onto the table, but Clemmons merely smiles and asks her for all her keys. Veronica, looking slightly busted, produces a second set, and from the look on her face, it's got to include the master key Wallace gave her in the season premiere. Clemmons picks it up, goes over to his office door, and fits one of the keys into the lock and successfully turns it. Veronica says that she can explain, but Clemmons says she doesn't have to. Well, maybe not, Van the Man, but that's no excuse for depriving us of the pleasure of hearing what was bound to be a doozy of a story. Anyway, Clemmons says that the district has put in a security system to keep track of after-hours visitors, but Veronica notes that she doesn't see any cameras, so Clemmons can't prove that she broke in. Clemmons wonders, then, how Veronica could have gotten her hands on the drug-test results. I'd point out, in light of what happens later, that Veronica actually used Clemmons's own key to get the results, which I noted was kind of overly convenient at the time. Probably a coincidence, but if that was the start of his plan, that's pretty awesome -- the only question is why he took so long to bust Veronica. Then again, being called a "powerless factotum" is just the sort of thing that can cause people to get their asses in gear. Veronica wonders if Clemmons means the faked test results, and starts to snot, "Usually, when I save your butt..." Veronica still looks tiny to me, so it's kind of a surprise how much she's outgrown her britches. Clemmons asks her about a couple of her other keys, the second of which "fits any Vespa scooter." She claims that she likes to come prepared, but with a limited number of keys that can fit on the ring, I would have thought she'd go for a key that fit something cooler, like, say, any Harley. Perhaps she figured that if she were caught in the act, the average Vespa owner wouldn't brain her with a lead pipe, but if she keeps up with the snotty attitude, that could prove to be a miscalculation. Clemmons threatens Veronica with suspension, and she worriedly says that would make her ineligible for the Kane Scholarship. Well, considering that we haven't seen Veronica crack a book all season, I don't think that's the only thing that's going to make her ineligible. Clemmons softens the punishment to detention.

Hospital. Veronica, wearing a visitor's badge, is directed somewhere by a nurse as VMVO tells us that she should just let this drop: "Be honest with yourself, Veronica; you just can't stand Celeste Kane and you want to see her humiliated." Well, as long as you're being honest, I think you should add that the desire to see her humiliated is more important to you than your relationship with Duncan. Not that, given all the available evidence, that doesn't make total sense to me. Veronica enters Trina's room, and Trina tells her that the doctor is keeping her another day so that the swelling on the back of her head can go down. Wow, the ghost of Yorick really wasn't fucking around. Veronica fakes hesitation, saying she should just let Trina rest, but Trina asks her about the paper she has in her hand. Veronica tells her she's thinking of auditioning for the play, so she wanted to put herself on tape and get some direction from Trina. Trina's thrilled, and grabs the "script" to look at it.

Cut to Veronica fiddling with the camera. She sets it up so that it's pointing in her direction but is really filming Trina in the mirror. I guess the presence of a mirror was a key factor in this plan, but given that it's Trina we're dealing with here, Veronica must have thought the odds were pretty good. Veronica badly-acts that Trina is dying: "Can't you see you're dying?" If she performs this script in front of an audience, she'll really see what dying looks like. The scene, made hilarious from Veronica's intentional bad-acting playing off Trina's um, more natural bad-acting, goes on as we learn that only a bone-marrow transplant from a blood relation can save Trina. Veronica asks about Trina's parents, but Trina tells Veronica that she's adopted: "Unless the mother who abandoned me comes forward, unless I find out who I really am, it's over for me." She stagily puts her head in her hand, then pops back up with a "Scene." Heh. Trina had a lot more lines than Veronica, which some people might have noticed clashes with Veronica's stated intention in this exercise. But again, Veronica knew whom she was dealing with here. Trina mentions that she actually was adopted, and given the material, it's doesn't seem weird to me that she would mention that. Veronica: "Really? I...I didn't know that." Now that's the moment she should have put on tape.

Veronica leaves the room, but VMVO notes that she's the Mean Girl now, and she'd be making a public spectacle out of Trina. Frankly, I don't know why Veronica didn't just ask Trina for her permission to do this in the first place. It's not like being splattered across the tabloids or being featured on Access Hollywood is either unfamiliar or unwanted for Trina. Veronica reenters the room and drops the Prom Baby bombshell. Trina: "Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right?" Hee, especially with Kristen Bell having been recently Punk'd. Veronica manages to convince Trina that she's serious, so she asks if her mother "was one of those trashy sluts that dump her baby in a garbage can?" And just when I had stopped missingJoan Of Arcadia. Veronica tells Trina that she's pretty sure Celeste is the trashy slut. Trina takes that in, and brightens as she says that the Kanes have billions. Veronica confesses that she was going to use the tape to smoke Celeste out by sending it to all the tabloids. Trina, promo-style, tells Veronica that she's a rascal, and Veronica answers by saying she thought she was something less flattering. Well, one famewhore's "rascal" is another one's "bitch." Trina says that, if they hurry, they can get the tape on that evening: "It's the least 'Big Pat' can do for me after leaving all those pervy massages on my voicemail." Veronica takes a moment to realize the King Kong-sized monster she's created.

Aaaand cut to Principal Moorehead, who's making a presentation to the faculty. Trina busts in with a presentation of her own, calling Moorehead "Dad," and asking when he was planning on handing over some bone marrow. Moorehead looks at Ms. Hauser, who gapes helplessly. Since we've already had a Simpsons reference, I guess it would have been too much to expect her to say, "I didn't do it." Also, I wonder if Trina's going to take her dad's surname. I don't think she would normally, but don't you think it's just so fitting? By the way, Alyson Hannigan was very enjoyable and totally un-Willowy in this episode. Who knew How I Met Your Mother would do such wonders for her acting?

Mars Investigations. Keith enters and asks Veronica if she's eaten yet. Veronica says it's funny he should ask, since she was checking through the refrigerator earlier. After expositing that it was hidden in a corn dog package, she produces a rat in a plastic bag, and I don't know what brand of bag that is, but if Veronica hasn't ever smelled anything weird coming from the freezer, the manufacturer could use this as a new ad campaign. Keith tells her that he found the rat on the bus, and Veronica decides that it was a message for her. Is she suggesting that she was meant to find the rat after the fact? Because that seems to me to overlook the tiny detail that SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE BUS. But Veronica's jumping to wrong conclusions right and left these days, so at least you can't say this isn't in character. Also, the fact that the rat looks awfully intact for having been through weeks of submergence, not to mention the duct tape. At least it should have lost a lot of hair, as Weevil would no doubt be only too happy to tell you. I'm guessing Keith took it after the forensics team had been over the bus, because I'm more willing to believe that Lamb's team half-assed the job than that Keith would be so irresponsible as to remove evidence that the sheriff's office hadn't seen yet. But why? Maybe he's holding it back to have a shocking prop for his "J'accuse!" moment at the end of the season. If that's his plan, I just hope his freezer doesn't have an electrical outage anytime soon. Anyway, Keith tells Veronica that she was right -- he should have taken steps to ensure that he won the election so that he would be on the case. Well, I'm not so sure about that, but I like how the show has presented it as a moral dilemma. If Keith had made the recording of the crash public, he would have felt horrible about the human cost. Because he didn't, he feels horrible that he's not doing enough. And when people are feeling horrible no matter what they do, you know you've tuned in to the right show.

Veronica enters Clemmons's office and wryly accuses him of deducing that she had a key to his office and setting her up in detention so that she would find her mom's file, dig around, and get rid of Moorehead. Clemmons asks what she's going on about. Veronica: "You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you?" Heh. Clemmons gives nothing away at first, and dismisses Veronica, but does give her the tiniest smile before she leaves.

Veronica's cell phone rings once she's out in the hall. It's the hospital, saying that they're calling "again" about Koontz's belongings. Even reeling from the shocking realization that she's been outsmarted by a powerless factotum, you'd think she would have screened this one.