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Clemmons busts Veronica for having the keys to the school Wallace gave her, so he gives her grunt work involving old permanent records. This lets her discover that her mom was suspended for something unknown. Surprisingly, it's not alcohol-related, as Veronica digs around and finds out that Celeste broke Jake and Lianne up, and then Lianne went around spreading a rumor, which Veronica assumes was about Celeste. At Veronica's request, Keith finds out that a baby was found abandoned in the girls' bathroom at Neptune High. Meanwhile, Logan and friends beat up Weevil and tie him to the flagpole, and if Weevil already was starting to lose control over his gang, I don't think this is exactly going to help. Weevil and Logan decide to team up in secret to find out who killed Felix, but first they have a knock-down drag-out to make things look good for everyone. Considering the state of their faces afterward, I'm not sure the plan was entirely sound. Beaver hires Mac to design a website for his new real-estate company, and if there's a couple I could ever consider 'shipping, this one is at the top of the list. Since he's only sixteen, he hires Kendall to front the business. Can wacky hijinx be far behind? Trina shows up to direct a school play and is immediately Veronica's BFF. Kendall drops by the Neptune Grand to see Duncan, and it doesn't look like anything happened between them before, but it does lead to Trina and Kendall having a Buffy-reunion smackdown, although it's Logan who gets one of the best lines of the entire series. A second Neptune Grand smackdown ensues between Veronica and Celeste, teaching the Buffy alumnae how it's done. The prom baby, it turns out, is Trina, but her mom isn't Celeste -- it's a mute woman who's worked at the school for years. Also, Trina's dad is the principal. Surprisingly, both these revelations bring out the best in Trina, and in the end, Clemmons is principal, and what's more, that was his plan all along. I knew I liked him. Also, Veronica finds out that her mom used to be nice. Memories! Veronica discovers the rat Keith found on the bus, and he emotionally tells her she was right -- he should have made sure that he won the election so that he could be on the case. And finally, Veronica stops by the hospital to get Koontz's things, and discovers that Meg is pregnant. I guess I owe the posters a Coke. And if Veronica hadn't been in such a hurry to get out of there, she could have seen Meg wake up. But there had been enough awkward for one episode. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
MS., and don't you forget it, Hauser is informing her class, in which sit Duncan and Veronica, that they're moving on to Phase II of Sex Ed. She takes a large baby doll out of a box and intones, "Welcome to parenthood." If this is Phase II, I can only hope the PTA doesn't find out what happened in this classroom during Phase I. Veronica notes, "So that's where babies come from," and Duncan laughs, because having a sense of humor about babies makes complete sense for his character at the moment. Ms. Hauser tells the class that, for the five days, they will each be taking care of their very own "Baby Think-It-Over." Heh. Ms. Hauser then exaggeratedly grabs the doll by the leg and dangles it upside-down, and it starts to cry. She informs the class that the "babies" (there are several other dolls visible in the background) have very sophisticated sensors and memory chips, so if the students screw up in taking care of them, there will be a record of it, and they won't pass the class. With those sensors, High School Mommy and Daddy had better think twice before a-rockin' the car at Inspiration Rock Quarry. Ms. Hauser instructs the class to pair up and pick one "baby" for each couple, but then hands Veronica a note summoning her out of class, so Veronica tells Duncan to pick a good one while she goes to see The Man...
...and then Veronica's rudely opening the door to VP Clemmons's office without knocking. Learn some manners, girl. She tries cracking a couple of jokes, but Clemmons icily asks her to hand over her keys. Veronica tosses one set onto the table, but Clemmons merely smiles and asks her for all her keys. Veronica, looking slightly busted, produces a second set, and from the look on her face, it's got to include the master key Wallace gave her in the season premiere. Clemmons picks it up, goes over to his office door, and fits one of the keys into the lock and successfully turns it. Veronica says that she can explain, but Clemmons says she doesn't have to. Well, maybe not, Van the Man, but that's no excuse for depriving us of the pleasure of hearing what was bound to be a doozy of a story. Anyway, Clemmons says that the district has put in a security system to keep track of after-hours visitors, but Veronica notes that she doesn't see any cameras, so Clemmons can't prove that she broke in. Clemmons wonders, then, how Veronica could have gotten her hands on the drug-test results. I'd point out, in light of what happens later, that Veronica actually used Clemmons's own key to get the results, which I noted was kind of overly convenient at the time. Probably a coincidence, but if that was the start of his plan, that's pretty awesome -- the only question is why he took so long to bust Veronica. Then again, being called a "powerless factotum" is just the sort of thing that can cause people to get their asses in gear. Veronica wonders if Clemmons means the faked test results, and starts to snot, "Usually, when I save your butt..." Veronica still looks tiny to me, so it's kind of a surprise how much she's outgrown her britches. Clemmons asks her about a couple of her other keys, the second of which "fits any Vespa scooter." She claims that she likes to come prepared, but with a limited number of keys that can fit on the ring, I would have thought she'd go for a key that fit something cooler, like, say, any Harley. Perhaps she figured that if she were caught in the act, the average Vespa owner wouldn't brain her with a lead pipe, but if she keeps up with the snotty attitude, that could prove to be a miscalculation. Clemmons threatens Veronica with suspension, and she worriedly says that would make her ineligible for the Kane Scholarship. Well, considering that we haven't seen Veronica crack a book all season, I don't think that's the only thing that's going to make her ineligible. Clemmons softens the punishment to detention.
Beaver enters the computer room and calls to Mac, who takes a moment to realize that he's talking to her, being in a full iPod/computer screen trance. (She's also got red streaks in her hair where the blue used to be.) Beaver asks to retain Mac's services: he's starting a company, "Phoenix Land Trust." I don't know what game Beaver's playing yet, but I do have to point out that I don't think public trust in the Casablancas family's handling of land is going to be rising from the ashes any time soon. Beaver says that he'll match Mac's going rate, and that he'll need her to register the domain and design an online identity and logo for the company, which he needs to be "Fortune 500 caliber." Mac says she'll help him: "But basically, you're hiring me to do your homework for you, right?" Beaver goofily agrees. Aw. I think I'd like these two to get together based on the fact that, basically, neither of them has ever annoyed me. Which is a real trick, especially given that Beaver is a Casablancas, and Mac is a vegan.
Veronica sits in the administrative office as Principal Moorehead announces open auditions for Hamlet, and informs everyone that the "special celebrity director" will be Trina Echolls. VMVO is amused, since this means Trina was "the first one booted off The Surreal Life this season." I hope she's joking, because Trina may not be everyone's favorite, but she certainly deserves to outlast Omarosa. Of course, pretty much everyone does, except maybe Andy Dick. Clemmons appears and says he has a task for Veronica...
...and they're in a filing room, where Clemmons is telling Veronica that the janitor "had a dolly accident moving the permanent records," so Veronica has to re-alphabetize all of them and file them away. Veronica: "I can't use magic, right?" Heh. There was discussion on the boards about this line, but I think it pretty clearly refers to a minor plot point in Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Not that I'm currently rereading that book or anything. There's a quick montage of Veronica slaving away...
...and then, seemingly much later, Veronica comes across her mom's record. Lianne's middle name is "Susan," by the way, in case that should ever be important. (You have to admit that the chances are a little higher than normal with this show.) VMVO says that her mom never talked about her high-school days much, which adds up, considering that Veronica had to find out from an old yearbook that her mom and Jake Kane were sweethearts back then. VMVO adds that she always thought she would have gotten along with Lianne the teenager. Veronica then finds a report from September 1979 saying that her mom was suspended for three days for spreading false and malicious rumors. If they'd had that policy at my high school, we would have had the smallest class sizes of any public school in the country. The juiciest parts of the report are blacked out. Isn't that always the way. It does mention, however, that Lianne appeared at a disciplinary hearing alongside a "Deborah Philipina Drummond," whom Veronica speculates might be connected to a "Deborah Philipina Hauser." Clemmons appears and admonishes Veronica for nosing around in school property, which seems a bit unfair. Giving Veronica access to all this juicy information and expecting her to mind her own business is like...well, it's like doing anything and expecting Veronica to mind her own business. Proving my point, when Clemmons leaves, Veronica goes straight back to the file.
Weevil's working in a bike shop, alone, when the lights go out. He yells to an ostensible co-worker that he must have tripped the circuit breaker, but there's no reply. When he goes out to fix it, Logan and a bunch of other "teens" jump Weevil as Logan snots, "I heard your lights were out." That's not the best line, but you know I don't think Logan's heart was in this.
Neptune High. Veronica takes her "baby" out of the car seat and jokes about her mom's alcoholism. Oh, Veronica, babies can understand a lot more than you think. Especially ones that were created solely to be tattletales. Veronica catches Ms. Hauser and asks her if she used to be friends with Lianne. Ms. Hauser sniffs at that assertion, so Veronica brings up the joint suspension. Mrs. Hauser somewhat breezily says that the whole story was an embarrassment, and that she's ashamed she even listened to Lianne's gossip, let alone repeated it: "I didn't understand the consequences. A lot of people got hurt because your mother just couldn't keep your mouth shut." She suggests that Veronica learn from Lianne's mistake, and leaves. It's just as well that Lianne left town, because if she'd stayed, Parent-Teacher Night would have brought a whole new level to the Un!Comfortable!. Veronica stares until her baby starts crying, breaking her out of her reverie. She moves on...
...and finds a bunch of students gathered around the flagpole. Weevil is duct-taped to it, looking much the worse for wear. However, you know Logan's new at this, because Weevil doesn't have a misspelled word written across his chest. Veronica takes in the tableau with a small smile and tells her "kid" that Life Lesson #1 is "What goes around comes around." With some of the stuff she's pulled, including having a kid put up on the flagpole herself, she'd better hope that having a television show named after her gets her some kind of dispensation. Credits.
Veronica barrels into Clemmons's office, sets her "baby" on his desk, and notes that he's been working at Neptune High for a long time: "Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended?" Clemmons: "More alphabetizing, less Cold Case-ing." That sounds like good advice to me, if only because from what I've seen of Cold Case-ing, I have to conclude that it does some really strange things to your hair. Veronica, frustrated, gets up to go, but Clemmons reconsiders, and tells her that, back then, he was just a young science teacher, so he wouldn't have any idea. He goes on to say that he thought she read the report, but Veronica tells him about the blacked-out parts, and claims she's just trying to find out what kind of person her mom was back then. It's kind of sweet that she's trying to find evidence to rehabilitate her perception of her mom. But just between you and me, I think she'd rather have the fifty grand back. Anyway, Clemmons gives her the list of the people who work there now and were there in 1980: Ms. Hauser was a student, as was someone named "Mary Mooney," and Principal Moorehead was the vice-principal. Given later revelations, I wonder how it was that he got promoted. Veronica asks who Mary Mooney is...
...and we're back outside, as Veronica tries to get the attention of the woman in question, who's busily cleaning up the tables. Some jerkoff skater type tells Veronica that Mary doesn't talk: "She's like, retarded or deaf or something." Well, dude, if she won't talk to you, that alone rules out the first option. VMVO says that Lianne knew how to sign because she had an aunt who was deaf, and she taught Veronica the alphabet, but that was a long time ago. She goes up to Mary, getting her attention, and asks in sign language if Mary knew her mom, spelling out her first and last names. Mary denies knowledge of the name at first, but when Veronica turns away, she has a moment of recognition and grabs her. She signs, slowly at Veronica's request, that, as Veronica translates it, Lianne was a "fiend." Like many of the posters, I immediately guessed that she actually signed "friend," but given Veronica's mindset about her mom both due to the events of last year and the allegations in the file, I can see where she'd be predisposed to get that wrong. Nevertheless, I am so smart! I'll even sign that last word out for you: S...M...R...T.
Back by the administration office, Veronica catches Principal Moorehead and asks about his suspension of Lianne. Moorehead denies remembering the specific reason, but thinks he wouldn't want to repeat it even if he did. Truer words were never spoken. Especially by you, dude. He continues, "I'm sure your mom turned into a terrific person." And in the thirty-first episode of the series, we finally discover a sentence that can actually make Veronica flinch. At that rate, look for it to happen again late in the third season (and yes, I'm hitting my wooden table with my right hand and my forehead with my left). Moorehead says that, back then, Lianne was "rather vicious." Veronica takes a moment to look discomfited, and then follows Moorehead into...
...a classroom, where Trina enthusiastically greets both of them, calling Moorehead by his first name. To Veronica: "Isn't he a big old teddy bear?" Trina, trust me: it will be better for all concerned if you don't get into how cuddly he is. Moorehead says it's good to see her, and then takes off as Trina double-cheek-kisses Veronica and compliments her look, and asks how she's been, "aside from that whole mess with Dad and all." Trina is acting like their dispute was over a little fender-bender, but while there was a car accident involved, there was a little more to it than that. I noted, though, when they first met, that Trina was nice to Veronica, so it's not like her geniality now is out of nowhere. Trina excitedly babbles on that Evan Rachel Wood has signed on for "the project." At Veronica's confusion, Trina clarifies that Wood is going to play Veronica in The Aaron Echolls Story, but that there will have to be a name change, since Veronica and Keith won't sign the release forms. That might explain what the email everyone caught in Veronica's inbox last episode was all about. Trina then tells Veronica that she should audition for the play, since they need some pretty girls. Veronica: "Yeah, thanks anyway. I can't act." Give the girl an Emmy for that line delivery right there. Trina tells Veronica she's got presence, and that they should talk later, but right now, her company needs her. She overacts, "The play is my master and I am its whore." I'd make a comment, but frankly, I'm so pleased by seeing not a trace of Willow in that scene that I'll let it pass...
...in favor of noting that the choice of person to cut to off that line is Kendall. Heh. She's appeared at Duncan's door in order to hit on him. When he tells her Logan's not there, she says he should loosen up, since she's been in both their beds. There was disagreement on the boards about whether this indicated that Duncan actually did something with Kendall. I think, from her too-coy reference and the way Duncan acts around her in this scene, that the answer is no, but there's no, um, hard evidence either way. Anyway, Kendall hears crying, and is clichédly yet amusingly horrified at the thought of a baby around. Duncan shows her the "baby," and tells her it's an "animatronic parental lifestyle simulator." Kendall opines that it's "just the creepiest little thing I've ever seen." And I'll agree that the horror is a lot more justified once you get a look at that thing. Kendall then offers to take Duncan for a ride, which isn't actually a euphemism -- she's got Big Dick's Maserati, which she's trying to sell by telling him he'd look so great in it. Duncan: "Can't I just be loved for me?" Well, I admit I've been recapping for few hours here, so I could have missed a recent fundamental turnaround in board opinion. But I still feel pretty safe in giving this answer: probably not. Kendall offers to teach Duncan to drive stick without leaving the couch, which I'm sensing leads us back to euphemism territory, but Duncan firmly picks her up and plants her to him. She asks if they "chemically castrate you boys over at that school," and it's this little exchange that makes me think nothing happened between her and Duncan. Charisma overacts as she breathes that he doesn't need Sex Ed, and she's Sex Ed. Well, hon, you just kind of told him he doesn't need you, not that he's listening, or would realize that even if he were.
Anyway, this "fun" comes to an end when Logan and Trina enter. Duncan warmly greets Trina, so it seems the two of them also got along back in the day. I expect that Trina will cast someone great to play Duncan in the biopic. Actually, I suppose it's going to be not so much "casting" as "whittling," but only the finest wood will be used. Kendall kisses Logan, which he's not too psyched about, and then talks about the car while employing lots of double entendres. Trina, for her part, looks totally grossed out by the thought of Logan and Kendall being a couple, and the animatronic baby chooses that moment to show its good taste by crying in agreement. Trina butts into the conversation, and after some commentary about Logan's penis size...oh. I guess I should wait for the significant percentage of you that just ran running for the shower.
Back? Okay. After a bit more snark, Logan introduces the two "girls": "Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet." I think, then, that Kendall talks about Trina's D-minus-list status by way of snarking on Melissa Rivers, while Trina comes back about Kendall's cradle-robbing by way of a Chuck E. Cheese reference. It all sounded very amusing, but really, I could have gotten it wrong, since I'm still laughing from that line of Logan's. Seriously, I cracked up, loudly, on first viewing, which doesn't happen to me very often even with this show. Okay. Trina says she needs Logan home early, since he's got school the day. She leaves, and Logan says the laugh's on her: the purpose of her visit was to borrow Logan's video camera. Well, honey, if you do borrow it, make sure you stick in a blank tape. I don't know how far the expression "like father, like son" can be taken, but it's really best to be prepared. Fun scene.
Java The Hut. VMVO says that there was an entry in her mom's yearbook referring positively to Lianne's gossip from a woman named "Patty Wilson," who agreed to meet Veronica for coffee. Veronica finds the middle-aged woman in question, who greets Veronica warmly.
Cut to Veronica and Patty sitting and having coffee as Patty tells Veronica that Lianne was very popular. Veronica fakes a smile while wondering whether Patty's referring to the bathroom-wall definition. Patty goes on to say that they gossiped a lot about Lianne's love life, and that Lianne was "on again, off again" with Jake Kane for a while, but that, by Homecoming senior year, they were together for good -- or so Lianne thought. But "that spiteful little shrew" Jake dated over the summer told him she was pregnant. She's talking about Celeste (née "Conathan," or something similar, and don't email me), though, which makes her description totally inaccurate. I mean, Lisa Thornhill has to be at least 5'8". Patty goes on to say that Celeste's family was moving out of Neptune, so Celeste had to find a way to break Jake and Lianne up for good. Celeste finished her senior year at Pan High, but that she came back for the prom, and by then, Jake's love child had magically disappeared. I'll just mention that we learned in the first season that Jake and Lianne were Prom King and Queen, but that was in 1979, not 1980. Someone then appears with a tray of pastries, but I don't know how this woman could think anyone's still hungry after all that exposition. Not that I'm helping. VMVO notes that either Lianne lied about the pregnancy because she got dumped, or she got dumped for telling the truth about it. Or there's a completely unrelated third option, but given that there are only three acts to go, how likely can that be?
Chez Mars. Veronica arrives home to find Keith cooking dinner, and puts her "baby" down on the counter in a rough manner that would earn her a place in the "Jeers!" section of Parenting, should that publication ever see fit to, um, adopt that idea. She asks Keith whether Lianne was cool when he met her. Keith, calming the crying "baby" down, asks why Veronica wants to know, so she tells him about the purported rumor-spreading. Keith: "That doesn't sound very cool." Well, it was 1980. Not much was cool back then. Veronica asks Keith to access the county birth records and find out if Lianne was telling the truth. Keith wonders what that will accomplish: "You know who your mom was." Yeah, but Veronica's trying to work on that. Keith goes on to say that Veronica should forget the past couple of years, and remember that she and Lianne used to love each other. Veronica looks sad.
Neptune High, Soliloquy Division. Veronica holds a camera as VMVO asks which is more torturous: the filing she's been doing, or "spending lunch watching the Bard get flogged by the second lead of Wilder Things?" Heh. And since this episode has already featured a Buffy reunion, I wonder if the first lead in that movie was Amber Benson. Trina and some dude badly act for a bit, but are interrupted by Veronica's "baby" crying. I tell you what, that kid may be creepy-looking, but his timing on the editorializing is uncanny. Veronica ends up gagging her baby, and if she's serious about the Kane Scholarship, I hope Sex Ed isn't factored into her GPA. The scene continues until Trina unwittingly steps on a prop skull and hilariously overdramatically falls to the floor. Hee. Seems poor Yorick has seen this play mangled so many times that he's finally taking matters into his own hands. Anyway, Trina's out cold.
Java The Hut. Beaver waves over Kendall, who patronizes him for a moment until he calls her out for selling some of Big Dick's personal possessions for cash. Kendall points out that she doesn't have a trust fund, so she doesn't have many attractive options. She'd have even fewer of those if she possessed any shame, but then she probably wouldn't have been in this marriage in the first place. Changing tacks, Beaver tells her about his company, and offers to show her his prospectus. Amazingly, she doesn't turn this into a sexual comment, asking instead what all of this has to do with her. Beaver points out that he's only sixteen, and can't sign legal documents or meet with investors, so he wants Kendall to be the face of his company. Kendall notes that Beaver doesn't like her, and he admits that: "But I find value in your desperation." If Beaver is really interested in finding value in desperation, he should just jump straight into financing internet porn. But he's probably wary of doing anything that could bring Paris Hilton back for another appearance. Kendall says she loves not working, and what's more, she knows nothing about sales. Beaver's all, au contraire, ma "mère", and offers her a grand a week salary plus commissions. After some more patronizing, Kendall accepts. It seems pretty likely that Beaver is setting Kendall up so that she'll be responsible for any misdeeds the company commits. Just don't try bribing any county assessors, Beaver. Kendall knows that one already.
Mars Investigations. Keith enters and tells Veronica (who looks like she's studying, finally) that there's no record of a baby born in Balboa County in 1980 under either of Celeste's surnames. Veronica thinks that means Celeste was lying, but Keith points out that she could have had an abortion. I think Celeste would have been about as likely to abort Jake Kane's baby as I would be to rip up a winning lottery ticket. It's just not all that likely to happen, especially since I never play the lottery. Keith points out that Veronica and Duncan have a good thing going. I'll just pause for a moment to allow all the attendant throat-clearing from the forums to subside. His point is that maybe Veronica doesn't want to jeopardize that by dredging up old wrongs, but Veronica says she just wants a little proof that Lianne was a good person and not one of the girls that makes high school a miserable experience. Keith, not backing down, notes that it's a convenient bonus that Veronica gets to expose Celeste for being such a witch. I like your message here, Keith, but I have to opine that that cat has long left the bag behind. He tells Veronica that if Celeste hadn't done what she did, Veronica wouldn't have Keith, and she wouldn't be her. Veronica, warming to the subject: "And that would be bad, right?" Keith agrees, and says she should keep that in mind with the news he's about to tell her: a Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County hospital on May 8, 1980, and they found the baby in the Neptune High school bathroom during the prom. Veronica thinks that spells Celeste. Keith: "You don't actually listen when I talk, do you?" You're just noticing this now? Also, is Veronica's theory that Celeste, about to give birth but not showing enough for people to realize she was pregnant, went to the prom, dropped the baby without people knowing about it, and abandoned it in the bathroom? Because much like women going into labor on TV, that doesn't really hold water.
Duncan, dressed in a nice shirt and pants, answers the door to find Veronica trying to pawn off their "baby" on him, saying that she needs to get some sleep for a test she has the day. He says he would, but that he has plans. The "baby" starts crying, and Veronica exasperatedly realizes that she left the bottle in the car, so Duncan takes it and feeds it, but tells Veronica that she's got to go after he's done, since he's going out to dinner. I don't know why Duncan doesn't just tell Veronica what the problem is, and furthermore, I don't know why I can't get a nickel every time I start a sentence with the five words "I don't know why Duncan." Duncan says he's surprised that Celeste never got one of these babies for Lilly, since she was always terrified that Lilly would get pregnant. This line is kind of a ham-handed way for Veronica to scoff at the irony. It's good that she hasn't gotten to the reveal at the end of the episode, because there's a deeper level of irony there, and she might have choked to death on it. Duncan, unbelievably, laughingly asks if Veronica's about to badmouth Celeste, and maybe all this casual talk about his mom wouldn't feel so false if HE WASN'T TRYING TO GET VERONICA OUT OF THERE BEFORE HIS MOM SHOWS UP. Veronica sarcasmos that Celeste is "a warm-hearted, good-humored, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace." Of course, this is Celeste's cue to walk through the open door and sarcastically thank Veronica. And after commercial, we'll return for Bitchfight In The Neptune Grand: This Is How It's Really Done.
Duncan puts down the "baby" and tells his mom she's early. She replies that she wanted to give him his clean clothes before dinner, as a young blonde woman follows her in with a box presumably containing the aforementioned laundry. Oy, doesn't the Grand have laundry service? Is this all so we can think this girl is the prom baby for five minutes? Celeste asks what "she" is doing here, and Veronica snits that "she" supposes she's there as "Duncan's secret girlfriend." Also, she picks up the baby and tells Celeste that they have a love child. Well, at least it's fitting that that creepy thing is an expression of the feelings Duncan and Veronica share. Veronica offers to let Celeste hold the "baby," but Celeste predictably passes, and then snaps at "Astrid" to stop gawking and put down the clothes. Celeste then bites out that she told Jake something like this would happen, and that they should have taken Duncan up to Napa with them. Veronica responds by making not-so-subtle allegations to the prom baby, to which Celeste responds, "Does she ever make sense, Duncan?" Veronica, in turn, asks if Celeste ever thaws out. Celeste: "When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother!" Well, that line was pretty warm, at least. Duncan finally figures out that everything isn't sunshine and roses, so he loudly asks Veronica for a moment alone with his mother. Veronica takes the "baby" and stomps into the bedroom. I'm no big fan of Veronica's bitchy attitude lately, but I think all bets are off when you play the "your mother is a drunken slut" card. Also, Celeste is one nasty piece of work.
In the bedroom, Astrid is folding clothes. With Duncan and Celeste's raised voices audible in the background, Veronica asks how Astrid can stand working for Celeste. Astrid says it's tough, but that Celeste promised to pay her way through grad school the year. If the mention of Celeste's charity jostles Veronica into realizing that she just had a catfight with the woman she desperately wants to send her to college, she does a good job of hiding it. Veronica has just enough time to determine that Astrid is twenty-five and dyes her hair blonde before Celeste opens the door and snaps that they're leaving. Astrid bails, and VMVO babbles a lot of stuff about Astrid being the prom baby that will be debunked so fast that you'll find it on snopes.com before I finish typing this sentence.
Logan asks a teacher that we've seen many times before, Ms. GetTheMarblesOutOfYourMouthJasonDohring (or "Murphy," if you prefer), if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher makes an observation about how Logan is always going to the bathroom during this period, so clearly Logan is the target of a secret society that poisons its victims with a flood of diuretics. (Hey, I'm just trying to compete with the wild speculations advanced in the forums over that revelation. It's not easy.)
Logan's washing his hands when Weevil angrily busts in, kicks the stopper under the door, and checks to make sure no one else is in there. Logan calmly makes a comment about ripping off the duct tape, so I guess he stripped Weevil naked and then put it on. With about an hour between the two events, I'm guessing. Weevil scowls that he shouldn't let Logan live for what he pulled. Logan: "What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap." It's always weird when the fourth wall just up and vanishes like that. Logan recalls the shotgun incident, and Weevil feebly offers that that wasn't him. Logan then goes on about the house-burning and the Russian roulette, prompting Weevil to yell that he thought Logan killed Felix. Logan evenly says he didn't, and Weevil admits that he believes that now. He points out that they both want to know who killed Felix. Logan: "So, what -- we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in a sidecar?" I know it won't mean much to someone of your financial means, Logan, but I still have to tell you that I'd pay good money to see that. Weevil agrees that that's the plan, but first he has to beat the crap out of Logan for the sake of his image. Logan asks who's going to throw the first punch, and then the bell rings and Weevil clocks him. As jaunty music plays, the two of them beat the hell out of each other, and Logan's stunt double has sure learned a thing or two about fighting. (Actually, Dohring is in a lot of the shots, but there are moments when the double is clearly identifiable.) A crowd gathers around the door, and Clemmons and a couple of security officers make their way toward it as Weevil and Logan end up rolling around on the floor. As Madonna said when she presented Titanic with its seventy-ninth Academy award of the 1997 ceremony: "What a shocker." Clemmons and a security officer get the door open, and each grabs one of the pugilists and leads him away. Thumper and Hector appear, and Thumper, seeing Logan's bloody face, is psyched that Weevil upheld his reputation. Hector demurs, however, saying that if it was him, he would have put Logan in the ground. Oh, do you have experience with that? Do tell!
Java The Hut. Mac is showing Beaver some website designs she came up with. Beaver overenthusiastically is like, "Sweet!" I'm starting to see his point about not meeting with investors. Mac also dorks out in this scene, which I thought was kind of adorable, although some posters thought otherwise. Beaver's impressed with the website and letterhead, but tells Mac that Kendall will be the CEO. Yeah, I'm not sensing Beaver's got a contract extension for poor Charisma in mind here. Mac makes the change, and asks him to tip her off when he's going public. Beaver tells her that might be illegal. Mac: "Still, you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?" Beaver admits that he is in fact doing something like that. And Beav, if you blurt out the details of your IPO in bed, no court will hold it against you.
Mars Investigations. Veronica, in a business suit and glasses, answers the door in response to a knock from a "Mrs. Mahnovsky." Veronica leads the woman into Keith's office as VMVO tells us that adoption records are hard to get your hands on, but that temporary foster parents are a weak link in the security chain. Veronica sits at Keith's desk, on which there's a nameplate that reads "Veronica Mars, P.I." Heh -- nice parallel with Clemmons's new nameplate at the end of the episode. Anyway, it turns out that this woman housed the prom baby for a few weeks after she was found, and Veronica tells her that her "clients" think the prom baby might be their long-lost child. She adds that her clients don't want a lot of publicity, which is lucky for them, because if they did come forward, they might be...what's the term? Oh, yes, ARRESTED FOR ABANDONMENT. Veronica goes on to say that they want to take care of the child financially, but the woman says the money may not mean much to her, since she ended up in a wealthy local home. But this past year, her adoptive mother committed suicide, and her adoptive father went to jail. Wow, sounds like that girl must have had a very bad year. Veronica takes a breath and tries to keep calm as she realizes who the prom baby is.
This was hashed to death on the boards, so I'll try to be brief about how I see the story- and timeline of this plot point. Haaron and his first wife apparently adopted Trina in 1980. That would have made Haaron twenty or twenty-one, if you believe the birthdate on that website Veronica saw a few episodes ago. However, considering it was such a throwaway, it could have been a production error. I'd like to think of another explanation, but I just can't believe an actor would ever lie about his age. In 1982, Haaron met Lynn on the set of his first movie, but we don't know when they actually got together, nor when they got married. Maybe Haaron cheated on his first wife with Lynn? It would explain a lot about Trina's feelings toward her. Anyway: at some point, the first wife left the picture, and Haaron and Lynn got together. If Haaron's first wife died, it would make sense that Lynn would have adopted Trina, and given that Trina didn't like her, I could see her still referring to Lynn as her "stepmom." Or Trina was originally Haaron's blood child by his first wife, and all this is just a mishmash of continuity errors and fanwanking. You say mayor, I say county supervisor.
Hospital. Veronica, wearing a visitor's badge, is directed somewhere by a nurse as VMVO tells us that she should just let this drop: "Be honest with yourself, Veronica; you just can't stand Celeste Kane and you want to see her humiliated." Well, as long as you're being honest, I think you should add that the desire to see her humiliated is more important to you than your relationship with Duncan. Not that, given all the available evidence, that doesn't make total sense to me. Veronica enters Trina's room, and Trina tells her that the doctor is keeping her another day so that the swelling on the back of her head can go down. Wow, the ghost of Yorick really wasn't fucking around. Veronica fakes hesitation, saying she should just let Trina rest, but Trina asks her about the paper she has in her hand. Veronica tells her she's thinking of auditioning for the play, so she wanted to put herself on tape and get some direction from Trina. Trina's thrilled, and grabs the "script" to look at it.
Cut to Veronica fiddling with the camera. She sets it up so that it's pointing in her direction but is really filming Trina in the mirror. I guess the presence of a mirror was a key factor in this plan, but given that it's Trina we're dealing with here, Veronica must have thought the odds were pretty good. Veronica badly-acts that Trina is dying: "Can't you see you're dying?" If she performs this script in front of an audience, she'll really see what dying looks like. The scene, made hilarious from Veronica's intentional bad-acting playing off Trina's um, more natural bad-acting, goes on as we learn that only a bone-marrow transplant from a blood relation can save Trina. Veronica asks about Trina's parents, but Trina tells Veronica that she's adopted: "Unless the mother who abandoned me comes forward, unless I find out who I really am, it's over for me." She stagily puts her head in her hand, then pops back up with a "Scene." Heh. Trina had a lot more lines than Veronica, which some people might have noticed clashes with Veronica's stated intention in this exercise. But again, Veronica knew whom she was dealing with here. Trina mentions that she actually was adopted, and given the material, it's doesn't seem weird to me that she would mention that. Veronica: "Really? I...I didn't know that." Now that's the moment she should have put on tape.
Veronica leaves the room, but VMVO notes that she's the Mean Girl now, and she'd be making a public spectacle out of Trina. Frankly, I don't know why Veronica didn't just ask Trina for her permission to do this in the first place. It's not like being splattered across the tabloids or being featured on Access Hollywood is either unfamiliar or unwanted for Trina. Veronica reenters the room and drops the Prom Baby bombshell. Trina: "Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right?" Hee, especially with Kristen Bell having been recently Punk'd. Veronica manages to convince Trina that she's serious, so she asks if her mother "was one of those trashy sluts that dump her baby in a garbage can?" And just when I had stopped missingJoan Of Arcadia. Veronica tells Trina that she's pretty sure Celeste is the trashy slut. Trina takes that in, and brightens as she says that the Kanes have billions. Veronica confesses that she was going to use the tape to smoke Celeste out by sending it to all the tabloids. Trina, promo-style, tells Veronica that she's a rascal, and Veronica answers by saying she thought she was something less flattering. Well, one famewhore's "rascal" is another one's "bitch." Trina says that, if they hurry, they can get the tape on that evening: "It's the least 'Big Pat' can do for me after leaving all those pervy massages on my voicemail." Veronica takes a moment to realize the King Kong-sized monster she's created.
Neptune High, Soliloquy Division. Veronica enters to find some dude reciting the "Alas, poor Yorick" line. Heh. Trina calls a break and excitedly rushes over to Veronica, who hands her a copy of the Instigator with Trina as the cover story, the caption of which reads, "Starlet's Silent Struggle With Death." Well, everything in those rags is made up, so I won't take issue with the use of the word "starlet." "Silent," however, is really threatening to cross a line. Trina looks at a couple of the other tabloids until Mary agitatedly bustles in and starts signing away. Veronica asks her to go slower, and Trina happily says it's "Lunchlady Doris," who was always nice to Trina and gave her extra cake. Mary signs that she wants to help, and Trina tells Veronica to thank her, but that it's a student production. Come on, Trina -- if you want to get the best possible performances, don't underestimate the power of good craft services. Trina starts to turn away, but Veronica calls her back, as Mary's meaning is becoming plainer. Trina's face starts to break a little as she starts to suspect the gist, but timidly asks Veronica what Mary is saying. Veronica: "She's saying...she wants to give you her bone marrow." Mary starts to cry and embraces the shocked Trina as Veronica looks like she might tear up too. Mary breaks the embrace with a fond smile, and in an unexpected and unexpectedly affecting moment, Trina smiles through her emotions and hugs Mary again. That was really sweet, and the actress playing Mary really sold that scene. I hope there are special provisions to get her an SAG card.
In the outside area, Veronica is using her Powerbook to debrief Mary. She confirms that Trina was the Prom Baby and that Mary is her mother, and then asks what Lianne did to hurt Mary. Mary takes the keyboard and tells her what many of us guessed, that Lianne was her friend. Mary goes on to say that since Lianne could sign, they could communicate well, and would eat lunch together most days: "She was the sweetest, coolest girl in school." Mary takes Veronica's hand, and they both smile. Aw. This storyline has brought out a couple of the most human moments we've seen in some time on this show. Just another example of the wisdom of "show, don't tell."
Elsewhere, Veronica and Trina walk together as Trina says that, when she was a kid, she would dream that her biological parents were movie stars. She then asks Veronica why she got so tied up in this drama, so Veronica tells her the rest of what Mary told her: when they were in high school, Mary told Lianne that she was having an affair with a faculty member, and Lianne made the mistake of asking her friend, the future Ms. Hauser, for advice. Ms. Hauser then spread the news all over school, so she and Lianne got called into the principal's office. I hope Lianne got even with her by telling her she didn't think there was any way her boyfriend could be gay. Trina asks if her mystery dad got nailed, but Veronica says no -- Lianne recanted and said she made the whole thing up, starting a downward spiral of addiction, abandonment, and the stealing of large checks. Or something. Actually, Mary begged Lianne not to reveal the father's identity, because she didn't want the story confirmed. She left Trina on her father's doorstep, and he's the one who dumped her at the prom in the hopes that people would assume she belonged to a student. Trina asks the money question, which is who her real dad is: "You said he was a teacher, right?" Veronica: "Even better."
Aaaand cut to Principal Moorehead, who's making a presentation to the faculty. Trina busts in with a presentation of her own, calling Moorehead "Dad," and asking when he was planning on handing over some bone marrow. Moorehead looks at Ms. Hauser, who gapes helplessly. Since we've already had a Simpsons reference, I guess it would have been too much to expect her to say, "I didn't do it." Also, I wonder if Trina's going to take her dad's surname. I don't think she would normally, but don't you think it's just so fitting? By the way, Alyson Hannigan was very enjoyable and totally un-Willowy in this episode. Who knew How I Met Your Mother would do such wonders for her acting?
Mars Investigations. Keith enters and asks Veronica if she's eaten yet. Veronica says it's funny he should ask, since she was checking through the refrigerator earlier. After expositing that it was hidden in a corn dog package, she produces a rat in a plastic bag, and I don't know what brand of bag that is, but if Veronica hasn't ever smelled anything weird coming from the freezer, the manufacturer could use this as a new ad campaign. Keith tells her that he found the rat on the bus, and Veronica decides that it was a message for her. Is she suggesting that she was meant to find the rat after the fact? Because that seems to me to overlook the tiny detail that SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE BUS. But Veronica's jumping to wrong conclusions right and left these days, so at least you can't say this isn't in character. Also, the fact that the rat looks awfully intact for having been through weeks of submergence, not to mention the duct tape. At least it should have lost a lot of hair, as Weevil would no doubt be only too happy to tell you. I'm guessing Keith took it after the forensics team had been over the bus, because I'm more willing to believe that Lamb's team half-assed the job than that Keith would be so irresponsible as to remove evidence that the sheriff's office hadn't seen yet. But why? Maybe he's holding it back to have a shocking prop for his "J'accuse!" moment at the end of the season. If that's his plan, I just hope his freezer doesn't have an electrical outage anytime soon. Anyway, Keith tells Veronica that she was right -- he should have taken steps to ensure that he won the election so that he would be on the case. Well, I'm not so sure about that, but I like how the show has presented it as a moral dilemma. If Keith had made the recording of the crash public, he would have felt horrible about the human cost. Because he didn't, he feels horrible that he's not doing enough. And when people are feeling horrible no matter what they do, you know you've tuned in to the right show.
Veronica enters Clemmons's office and wryly accuses him of deducing that she had a key to his office and setting her up in detention so that she would find her mom's file, dig around, and get rid of Moorehead. Clemmons asks what she's going on about. Veronica: "You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you?" Heh. Clemmons gives nothing away at first, and dismisses Veronica, but does give her the tiniest smile before she leaves.
Veronica's cell phone rings once she's out in the hall. It's the hospital, saying that they're calling "again" about Koontz's belongings. Even reeling from the shocking realization that she's been outsmarted by a powerless factotum, you'd think she would have screened this one.
Cut to Clemmons switching out his "Vice Principal" nameplate for one that reads "Principal." He smiles in satisfaction. Nice, even though I'll miss the "Vice" part of his title. It sounded so bad-ass and yet hilariously incongruent. Until now, that is.
Veronica walks down a hospital hallway holding a cardboard box as VMVO tells us that, since she's past Security, she wants to check something. She finds Meg's room, which she notes is unguarded, and goes in. She's also got her "baby" with her, and if she hasn't failed this assignment yet, I'd think taking it to visit a coma patient would be the last straw. Veronica notices that there are two monitors set up, reading very different vitals; sensing that something's wrong, she moves a wheeled table to reveal Meg's stomach, which in turn reveals that Meg is rather pregnant. Well, I was hoping they wouldn't go there, but I will admit that it was well-foreshadowed without being anvilicious (outside of this episode, but I suspect that was intentional). The Meg bitchiness, the Duncan visits, the laptop -- I was hoping that whatever secret Duncan and Meg had wasn't this, but it's hardly a surprise. And I can get over Meg sleeping with Duncan (as I'm assuming she did), and not using protection, as I could totally believe her having learned that using protection is worse than the sex act itself. It's sadly an all-too-common belief. But Meg's not only surviving the fall, but carrying a fetus to term? I guess it's just that I saw this happen on One Life To Live back in the '80s, when a pregnant Tina Lord went over a waterfall, and not only lived to tell the tale but successfully gave birth as well. I just feel like that story's been told, you know? Veronica leaves. Will she EVER rip Duncan a new one? As soon as Veronica's gone, Meg's eyelids flutter open. If that had happened only a few seconds earlier, we wouldn't have had to week until week for the awkward.
I really enjoyed this episode when I first watched it. Some people complained at how over-the-top it was, but I thought that might have been the point. We haven't had a reasonably light episode in quite some time, so I thought a look at how ridiculous the incestuous goings-on of a rich small town like Neptune are was a good time. But I have to admit that some of the contrivances and lack of continuity made it a lot less fun to get the recapping glass out. Also, I've finally been forced to conclude that Duncan just sucks as a character. I didn't think so for a long time, but I'm giving in here. I don't mind that he keeps secrets, or that he compartmentalizes -- Veronica does, too. But for it never to occur to him that he should do otherwise is horribly bothersome, as is never to show his girlfriend that anything weird is going on with him. I don't know if it's the acting or the writing or both, but if he can have this "Oh my God!" moment with the letter at the end of last episode and show absolutely no hint of subtext that anything is on his mind in this episode? The character sucks. Not interesting, not the least bit engaging -- just sucks, and is unworthy of this show. Also, the fact that he's completely unreadable means that maybe he did really sleep with Kendall. Say it with me -- sucks.
Wow, I haven't had to do that in a long time. I didn't know I still had it in me.
Oh, and there was that whole alternate ending on AOL, but I don't get paid any more to recap it, and besides, it was dumb. Sorry, Canadians who couldn't see it. Does seem like AOL takes the "America" in its name a little too seriously.
time: Someone be dead.