Veronica Mars S01E23

To start, I'd like to say that I have never watched the ABC Family Channel before, meaning that I have never seen any of its original programming. I can't say that I'm likely to again after this offering, although I am kind of awed that the network execs approved this pitch: "Kim Possible and an annoyingly squeaky-voiced girl join forces and use the power of the pen to defeat a wide array of high-school foes, including a super-swishy mostly-gay clique and a pair of incontinent cheerleaders!" Doesn't exactly seem like "family" fare although, given that this is the same network that's proudly promoting Cruel Intentions as part of its movie lineup, maybe I'm suffering from a Wallace Shawn-like case of a word not meaning what I think it means. Anyway. Wait, what do you mean, I have to recap the whole thing? I just summed it up for you, right there! I mean, incontinent cheerleaders! Kim Possible! What more do you people want?

Sigh.

Okay, here we go. We're immediately assaulted by a Campus Confidential tabloid headline that tells us that a Bay Area paper has closed, and a mom and daughter are relocating. There's also a sad picture of Christy Carlson Romano, the aforementioned lead of Kim Possible, with a caption that reads, "My Life Is Ruined." Having only really just started to grasp the immense sadness of the fact that I, at age thirty-five, am recapping Kim Possible, I'm on the same page here. We scoot over to another part of the cover, on which Peg Bundy from Married With Children is pictured, to the headline "New Challenge." If they're referring to the challenge of making this movie watchable, I think they should have made it a banner headline. We follow a still shot of a VW bus into a live shot of it trundling down the street into a community called "Westland Hills." Some upbeat teenaged-sounding girl who needs to shut up sings at me as Peg and Kim hug each other in front of their new house. They enter. They carry luggage inside. Peg tosses her black cat outside, which can't be a good omen for any of us. Inside, Kim clunkily exposits that her mother lost her reporting job when some Berkeley paper shut down, causing wacky hijinx involving a mix of espresso and wheatgrass to ensue. I don't know what the big deal is -- if it would get me out of recapping the two hours, I'd mainline the stuff, with some lawn fertilizer thrown in for good measure. Kim, whose name here is Violet, makes some disparaging comments about the quality of the local paper before the two of them leave...

...and pull up to school on the wings of that wretched song that won't stop playing. Peg gives Kim some "comfort food," which she tells us is alfalfa sprouts and wheat nuts. If that's her definition of comfort food, I'm surprised she can hold down any job that requires reasonable command of the English language. We get the vibe from Kim that she's cynical but spunky. The answering vibe from me is that I'm nauseated and nauseated. Some fat jock assface in a yellow Humvee yells at them to get out of the way. It is not Logan Echolls, although I've no doubt that if it were, the ratings for this mess would have been a lot better. Peg leaves, and the jock assfaces in the Humvee make stupid jock whooping noises. Kim watches, cynically yet spunkily amused. I put an empty wastebasket to my couch, since clearly, I will need it.

Inside, Kim looks around, and then we get a Campus Confidential headline reading "High School Hall of Horrors! New Girl's Head Explodes!" Nobody likes a tease, Campus Confidential. A bunch of kids mill around the hallway, so obviously having been told to "act depressed and disenfranchised" that you'd think they were casting simultaneously for school productions of both Oliver! and Annie. More stupid music plays as Kim looks for a class, and then some bitch bumps into her on purpose, causing the music to cut off abruptly. Well, she can't be all bad. The bitch and her bitch friend berate Kim for walking on the wrong side of the hall, since their side is reserved for those who "cruise in the fast lane," and they then dismiss Kim by calling her a plebe. I assume the plebeian status has little to do with acting ability, because if it did, the custodian's mopping jobs would be about 50% easier. Kim is outraged that she got called a plebe. Why don't you bust out your superpowers, not that I know what they are, because I'm a little old for that, and this is coming from someone who watched the Powerpuff Girls.

A teacher holds up a copy of Animal Farm as he announces that month begins their "oral report season." Now I'm confused, as everyone in the class seems meant to look seventeen or so, and yet the material they're covering is strictly seventh-grade. But perhaps it's appropriate after all, since the ham-fisted attempt to draw some sort of parallel between that Orwellian society and this school seems like something a twelve-year-old might write. We get our first glimpse of Teddy Dunn, who's the reason we're all here. As if he didn't take enough abuse on the boards already. There's also a somewhat Mena Suvari-looking girl whose eye-rolls and general attitude are to let us know that she's a bitch. I'm glad they cleared that up -- I would have hated to think she was nice and sweet and then have had my world shattered when I saw her walking down the right side of the hallway. The teacher gives out some dates to different kids for their reports. Teddy's name is "Brandon Dunn." Is it nice of them to give him only one name to remember, or cruel and confusing that they didn't just make his character's name "Teddy Dunn"? You decide. Bitchy Mena Suvari horribly delivers a lewd line about Teddy's "oral abilities." Her credibility is in question, however, given Teddy's lack of a comeback. Bitchy Mena Suvari then badly lies her way out of giving the report, but when Kim tries to do the same, the teacher shoots her down.

We get another dumb look at a Campus Confidential headline. Basically, it's about Kim having no social status. There's also a story about this movie sucking, but they buried it, for some reason.