To start, I'd like to say that I have never watched the ABC Family Channel before, meaning that I have never seen any of its original programming. I can't say that I'm likely to again after this offering, although I am kind of awed that the network execs approved this pitch: "Kim Possible and an annoyingly squeaky-voiced girl join forces and use the power of the pen to defeat a wide array of high-school foes, including a super-swishy mostly-gay clique and a pair of incontinent cheerleaders!" Doesn't exactly seem like "family" fare although, given that this is the same network that's proudly promoting Cruel Intentions as part of its movie lineup, maybe I'm suffering from a Wallace Shawn-like case of a word not meaning what I think it means. Anyway. Wait, what do you mean, I have to recap the whole thing? I just summed it up for you, right there! I mean, incontinent cheerleaders! Kim Possible! What more do you people want? Sigh. Okay, here we go. We're immediately assaulted by a Campus Confidential tabloid headline that tells us that a Bay Area paper has closed, and a mom and daughter are relocating. There's also a sad picture of Christy Carlson Romano, the aforementioned lead of Kim Possible, with a caption that reads, "My Life Is Ruined." Having only really just started to grasp the immense sadness of the fact that I, at age thirty-five, am recapping Kim Possible, I'm on the same page here. We scoot over to another part of the cover, on which Peg Bundy from Married With Children is pictured, to the headline "New Challenge." If they're referring to the challenge of making this movie watchable, I think they should have made it a banner headline. We follow a still shot of a VW bus into a live shot of it trundling down the street into a community called "Westland Hills." Some upbeat teenaged-sounding girl who needs to shut up sings at me as Peg and Kim hug each other in front of their new house. They enter. They carry luggage inside. Peg tosses her black cat outside, which can't be a good omen for any of us. Inside, Kim clunkily exposits that her mother lost her reporting job when some Berkeley paper shut down, causing wacky hijinx involving a mix of espresso and wheatgrass to ensue. I don't know what the big deal is -- if it would get me out of recapping the two hours, I'd mainline the stuff, with some lawn fertilizer thrown in for good measure. Kim, whose name here is Violet, makes some disparaging comments about the quality of the local paper before the two of them leave...
...and pull up to school on the wings of that wretched song that won't stop playing. Peg gives Kim some "comfort food," which she tells us is alfalfa sprouts and wheat nuts. If that's her definition of comfort food, I'm surprised she can hold down any job that requires reasonable command of the English language. We get the vibe from Kim that she's cynical but spunky. The answering vibe from me is that I'm nauseated and nauseated. Some fat jock assface in a yellow Humvee yells at them to get out of the way. It is not Logan Echolls, although I've no doubt that if it were, the ratings for this mess would have been a lot better. Peg leaves, and the jock assfaces in the Humvee make stupid jock whooping noises. Kim watches, cynically yet spunkily amused. I put an empty wastebasket to my couch, since clearly, I will need it. Inside, Kim looks around, and then we get a Campus Confidential headline reading "High School Hall of Horrors! New Girl's Head Explodes!" Nobody likes a tease, Campus Confidential. A bunch of kids mill around the hallway, so obviously having been told to "act depressed and disenfranchised" that you'd think they were casting simultaneously for school productions of both Oliver! and Annie. More stupid music plays as Kim looks for a class, and then some bitch bumps into her on purpose, causing the music to cut off abruptly. Well, she can't be all bad. The bitch and her bitch friend berate Kim for walking on the wrong side of the hall, since their side is reserved for those who "cruise in the fast lane," and they then dismiss Kim by calling her a plebe. I assume the plebeian status has little to do with acting ability, because if it did, the custodian's mopping jobs would be about 50% easier. Kim is outraged that she got called a plebe. Why don't you bust out your superpowers, not that I know what they are, because I'm a little old for that, and this is coming from someone who watched the Powerpuff Girls. A teacher holds up a copy of Animal Farm as he announces that month begins their "oral report season." Now I'm confused, as everyone in the class seems meant to look seventeen or so, and yet the material they're covering is strictly seventh-grade. But perhaps it's appropriate after all, since the ham-fisted attempt to draw some sort of parallel between that Orwellian society and this school seems like something a twelve-year-old might write. We get our first glimpse of Teddy Dunn, who's the reason we're all here. As if he didn't take enough abuse on the boards already. There's also a somewhat Mena Suvari-looking girl whose eye-rolls and general attitude are to let us know that she's a bitch. I'm glad they cleared that up -- I would have hated to think she was nice and sweet and then have had my world shattered when I saw her walking down the right side of the hallway. The teacher gives out some dates to different kids for their reports. Teddy's name is "Brandon Dunn." Is it nice of them to give him only one name to remember, or cruel and confusing that they didn't just make his character's name "Teddy Dunn"? You decide. Bitchy Mena Suvari horribly delivers a lewd line about Teddy's "oral abilities." Her credibility is in question, however, given Teddy's lack of a comeback. Bitchy Mena Suvari then badly lies her way out of giving the report, but when Kim tries to do the same, the teacher shoots her down.
We get another dumb look at a Campus Confidential headline. Basically, it's about Kim having no social status. There's also a story about this movie sucking, but they buried it, for some reason. Cafeteria. Kim tries to get her hands on some KFC, but is shot down by the world-weary cafeteria worker, who says that the football team gets to eat all the chicken on Game Day. Judging from the size of the guts on those kids, Game Days are the ones that end in "y." Kim spunkily tries to convince the woman, but she isn't having it, thank God. Kim's stop is a kid in a turban with a crappy accent named Mokthar. He's the photographer for the school paper. Boring, yet offensive. Kim surveys the room, and sees a bunch of kids sitting at tables marked "Reserved," including the bitches from the hallway. There's also a table full of super-queeny gay boys, but I'm not really sure who the writers consulted on their fashion sense, since it looks like the kids raided their grandfathers' golf wardrobes and dyed the contents any pastel shade they could get their hands on. Kim spots an empty table and sits down. One of the queens makes a comment that makes no sense, and then Bitchy Mena Suvari comes in with her underlings, makes an exaggerated show of asking one of them for her water bottle and then doing a spit-take when she realizes it's not carbonated, and then literally looks like she's going to asphyxiate when she sees that Kim is sitting at her table. Hey, ABC Family Channel? If you're so keen on learning from Orwell, you might want to take home the lesson that satires don't have to suck. Bitchy Mena Suvari stomps over as some geeky dude who moonlights as her dog shrieks at Kim. Kim retorts that you can't reserve tables in the cafeteria, to which everyone gasps like it's 1930 and some tomato just showed her gams at the beach. Only Teddy looks amused, but that could be because he looks like he recently had a healthy dose of, er, "wheatgrass." Bitch and Bitch Friend come over and dump the contents of their trays onto Kim's head. Bitch Friend is black while Bitch is white, so they'll heretofore be referred to as Bitchony and Bitchory, respectively. Teddy is nice enough to give an "oh, that sucks" face, but everyone else laughs. Hon, when even the cafeteria worker is laughing at you, I don't need a headline to tell me that your social life is in the shitter. Mokthar snaps a photo. Ten minutes later, Kim is still gaping. You might want to close you mouth there, dear, as all sorts of wildlife are going to be attracted to your hair for the rest of the day.
Later, Kim spunkily tells her mother what happened. Peg wants to go down and complain, but Kim isn't having it. Peg asks if there's anyone who didn't abuse her. Kim considers that... ...and the day at school, finds Mokthar and tags along with him to the school paper office, which is populated by geeks and large stacks of newspapers. Kim doesn't look impressed, although I'm not sure what she was expecting, given that Mokthar told her it's a big hangout of his. Kim's about to go when Keri Lynn Pratt pops up from behind a stack in a corner and squeaks a hello. Kim, I know I don't know what your abilities are, so I don't know if you can tip some newspapers over onto Keri and then use your super-speed to make a clean getaway. But if that's within your powers, I think it's the indicated play here. It's not to be, however, as Keri introduces herself as "Cornelia," and Mokthar tells her that Kim is interested in joining the school paper. Keri squeaks something that I think means that she's excited about having Kim on the staff. I'd find out her exact words, but my dog's taking a nap in the other room at the moment, and I really don't want to disturb him. Kim waves goodbye to Mokthar as Keri sweeps her out of the room. Elsewhere, she tells Kim that she wants to "blanket" their school with "the good name of the Hillsider." This cues their "ironic" happening upon a student lying asleep, blocking the stairway, covered with a "blanket" of a few copies of the paper. It's also the cue for me to start "blanketing" my liver with beer. Kim suggests that they devote some space to the social inequalities plaguing the school. Keri speculates that maybe someday they'll be the ones sitting at a "Reserved" table in the cafeteria. She's got that look in her eyes that pageant mothers have when they talk about how special their daughters' talent routines are, so don't be surprised if she turns out to be a little CRAZY. She hands Kim a pad and hustles off. Cut to Kim and Keri handing out a new edition of the Hillsider, presumably some number of days later. Kim updates Keri on some crappy stories she checked out the day. Outside, they see Mokthar wearing a rainbow-colored sun hat, and Keri chuckles as she says the quarterback of the football team "borrowed his turban and used it as a rat tail." I find it hard to believe that Keri would be so flip about this incident. That's not because I think moral outrage on Mokthar's behalf is in character for her -- it's just that I don't see her having any sense of humor about the word "tail" (SPOILER!). Kim only seems mildly outraged herself, which is a little surprising even though Mokthar is an enormous loser, but we don't have time to think about that, as Kim sees Teddy staring at her. They exchange moony looks (well, at least Kim does) until Keri warns her to steer clear of Teddy: "Word is he's been through the entire female student body quicker than a Tijuana burrito." I think that metaphor would be lost on a large percentage of the female student body, if the skeletal figures of most of the popular girls we've seen are any indication. Keri then wets her pants as she points out the school president, "Mike Davis," who's got Bitchony and Bitchory fawning all over him. Because if there's any surefire way to gain social standing in high school, it's to go into student government. Keri sends Violet over for a sound bite, but Mike completely blows her off, saying he didn't even know the school had a paper. And that's the least credible thing that's happened in this movie so far, which you won't need a banner headline to realize is saying a lot. One of the swishy gay boys takes a copy of the paper, vomits into it, and hands it back to Kim with a horribly overacted comment. He goes back to the gay table, and the leader of the egregiously dressed pack runways by him and makes a stupid comment about the absorbency of the paper, like, if you're going to make a Bounty joke, exhume Nancy Walker and have it done right. Keri and Kim march into the school, and Keri sticks out her chin and says she's going to make the paper a success if it kills her. Well, I kind of hope that both parts of that statement come true, and what's more, if she'd get on with it, it's be much appreciated. Kim consoles Keri, saying she shouldn't let the jerks get to her, like she was so chill about being covered in cafeteria food the day before. The two of them share a dreadfully sweet moment until Keri gets paged to the principal's office. Keri enthusiastically speculates that he wants to give them a hand with the paper, and it's nice to know that her Panglossian attitude was only briefly affected by the use of her blood, sweat, and tears as a bulimia aid. They rush off...
...and we see the ostensible principal lining up a golf putt, so we know he's on the side of the Haves. He world-wearily tells them to take a seat, and Kim takes the opportunity to spunkily ask him if the KFC could be released to the general public on Game Days. I think withholding KFC is about the most humanitarian thing the school could do for the kids, but I suppose I wasn't particularly concerned with nutrition when I was in high school either. The principal gets a reminder from his secretary about his "nooner" with "Miss Davies" from the PTA. He corrects her that it's a "noon appointment." So that's what the kids' administrators are calling it these days. Anyway, the principal has a limited time before the Viagra kicks in, so he gets to the point and tells the girls that he's cutting funding. Keri refuses to get it until Kim tells her that he's shutting down the paper. Keri shrieks, "SHUTTING DOWN THE PAPER?" Wow, I already found her annoying, but now I have to dress this dog bite because of her. Thanks, Keri. Dumb tabloid headline. Keri and Kim unload copies of the paper in front of Kim's house as Keri bitches about how unfair their school is. Peg comes out and asks if Kim has seen the cat, like, nice investigative skills there, Peg. Hilariously, she turns to go back inside without introducing herself to Keri, but Keri calls after her. When she learns Peg's name, she starts fawning about what a great reporter she is. Peg says she's surprised that anyone here knew her work from Berkeley, but Keri's talking about the local story she wrote on a traffic light. I'm never going to make it here. Boring exposition ensues about the shutdown of the paper, and Kim complains that the school is like a monarchy with homecoming kings and queens... ...which is our cue to cut to two of the gay boys talking in class, like STOP IT ALREADY. Kim sits to Teddy, who by the way is wearing a t-shirt over a long-sleeved shirt, so you know he's edgy. Bitchy Mena Suvari kicks Kim out of the seat, and what high-school class doesn't have assigned seating? BMS tells Teddy that "Logan" is going to be out of town that coming weekend. Now they're really just trying to confuse Teddy, and if his delivery of the ensuing dumb joke about a Brazilian wax convention is any indication, they succeeded. Nevertheless, Kim laughs hard and unflatteringly, and Teddy smiles. At least he's cute. I'm just going to have to start skipping ahead here. Mokthar grabs Kim and Keri, and we learn that the newspaper offices got turned into a day spa, which isn't exactly what the principal said was going to happen to them, not that it matters or, more importantly, that I care. Keri says she could use a drink, which just goes to show that even the squeakiest of broken clocks is right twice a day.
In Keri's kitchen, she makes Kim chocolate milk as she exposits that her dad is the most successful plastic surgeon in town, like, as if Keri wouldn't be the most popular girl in school on that basis alone. Also, Keri likes egg creams, and given the way minority groups have been depicted so far, if they're trying to paint her as Jewish, they're being way too subtle about it. Kim picks up a tabloid belonging to Keri's mom, and they wax nostalgic about what a great weapon tabloids are against celebrities who walk around thinking they own the world. At this point, everyone over the age of one day knows where this is going, so I don't know why Kim and Keri have to have a five-minute discussion about the parallels between celebrities and their schoolmates before Kim proposes that they start their own tabloid to smear the A-list kids. Kim makes a long-winded and annoyingly spunky motivational speech, which Keri makes look good in comparison with a horribly overused Jerry Maguire reference. Although it is kind of appropriate in that Keri looks and sounds a lot like Renée Zellweger. Which, continuing the thought, means I want to slap both of them. At school, Keri dumps out a bunch of surveillance equipment on the lawn, including night-vision goggles, and I can buy that she's rich, given the plastic surgeon father, but are we really to believe she couldn't have bought a friend or two? Kim comes up with a name for their tabloid, the Tattler, and then Keri says they only need one thing: scoops. Cut to the cafeteria lady scooping mashed potatoes onto a plate. We then see a kid using an ice-cream scoop, and then we cut to a girl wearing a scoop-necked blouse, and OH MY GOD WE GET IT WITH THE "IRONIC" CUTS SO STOP BEFORE I STORM YOUR OFFICES ABC FAMILY CHANNEL. Keri and Kim talk about how hard it's going to be to get good stories. They see the lead queen, "Brett," giving some slightly dumpy girl, "Esmeralda," shit about her acid-washed jeans and her weight. Considering that Brett is Vincent from 7th Heaven, he shouldn't be giving anyone any shit about anything in this life or the . Esmeralda runs off, and Keri exposits that the swishy kids are their school's answer to the Fab Five. Given how puerile their level of humor is, I'd say Queer As Folk is a more apt comparison. Version U.S., of course. Kim says that she's known plenty of gay guys, and that they aren't like Brett. Yes, perhaps they have a non-cartoonish bone in their bodies. Keri says that gay is in, and Brett milks it for all it's worth, like, that's really a responsible message to send when the suicide rate among gay teens is so much higher than among straights. Esmeralda gets up to go, and Brett swishily tells her not to forget to clean his locker. Keri and Kim then make us wonder if they're mentally challenged, so long does it take them to come up with the idea of targeting Brett.
Cut to Brett applying makeup at his locker. Keri pulls the fire alarm, and Brett queens off like they just let him into the Barney's warehouse sale. He does, however, swish back and lock his locker, thwarting Kim there. Later, Kim catches up with Esmeralda. Cut to Esmeralda opening Brett's locker. Kim finds a PDA or something that she thinks might have some good dirt. Esmeralda cautions her that she only has twenty minutes, since that's when tennis practice ends, so Keri goes to keep a lookout. Cut to the courts, where Brett and his minions are watching Teddy practice. They sigh appreciatively when Teddy bends over to pick up a ball, and we get a close-up of his ass. I'll agree that that's the best thing to happen in this movie so far. Mokthar tries to hook Brett's PDA into his computer, but it's password-protected. They unsuccessfully try to figure out what his password is. Teddy practices. Having competed in tennis in the juniors and in college, I am well-qualified to say that he's terrible. Brett swishes that Teddy's looking so "Roddick" today, and I don't really see that, but I suppose they had to work "dick" into this scene in one way or another. At least they spared us any comments about "balls," which is more than I was expecting. Brett says he has to get his camera and record the moment, like, nice try, Brett, but your camel-toe-producing pants are letting me know that you're posing here. Either that, or you've got other problems that I won't go into. Kim comes up with the right groan-worthy password. Brett swishes by Keri, who calls into her walkie-talkie, "The peacock has landed." First mildly clever line, half an hour in. I guess I'm due for two more "tee"s and possible a "hee." Mokthar finds a note that Brett is supposed to call "Sam" and break up. I'm surprised they didn't go with "Pat," but perhaps the writers aren't SNL fans. That would add up. They note the number and give the PDA back to Esmeralda, who badly voices her hope that they get Brett good. Cut to Esmeralda closing the locker as Brett appears. He asks if she wasn't supposed to clean the locker the day, even though he made a big deal about reminding her to clean it earlier in the cafeteria. Whatever, scene. Kim and Keri duck into a supply closet for no good reason. Kim tells Keri that she called Sam, but that she got a computerized message, like, what gender-confused suspense this movie is, er, engendering! (I'm sorry. Just because this assy movie is doing that in every scene is no excuse for me to stoop to its level.) Kim says she doesn't have a cell phone, so she left Keri's number. It's a good thing she got that exposition out before Keri's phone rang. Imagine the confusion that might have ensued! Keri makes a date to meet Sam at "Frijole's (yes, with an apostrophe, ugh) Restaurant," and asks if that's the one by the outlet center. Kim vigorously nods her head, even though Keri's lived in this town for as many years as Kim has days. Shut up, Kim. Keri excitedly turns to tell Kim the big news...
...which is that Brett "pops in three times a week, easy." For people who are currently riding the bus with their sister, Sam is female. Also, Brett's kind of a player, and he told Sam he'd make her a model, and she has pictures of the two of them together, even though there are many of them in which Brett is in the middle of an activity that...well, let's just say that it would cause his swishy friends to need multiple copies of the school newspaper. Outside, Keri whoops in triumph, which is a sound that's really shouldn't be on television. Not since Wild Kingdom went off the air, anyway. The girls run off to take Brett down, not that he has any problem with that, according to Sam. Tabloid headline of Brett being...er, "inned"? We see copies of the Tattler stuck into every locker in sight, but no one's reading them. Then suddenly, someone does. Well, that was worth my time. Anyway, the queen is scandalized, and then everyone grabs a copy. They read the headline, and then stare at Brett, who's just appeared. I think maybe he's subconsciously trying to break the story himself, if his horribly mismatched color scheme is any indication. Brett walks up the hall, surrounded on both sides in a gay-ntlet tableau, and then his former minions mince up and ask how he could do this to them. Brett drops the gay voice and says he sucks at sports and school, and he's white trash, so he had to find a way to stand out: "Being a nice middle-class kid with good fashion sense just wasn't gonna cut it." Well, how do you know if you don't even try? The gays swishily give him the whole "dead to us" routine, and mince off. Keri and Kim gloat as Brett dramatically straightens out his look. Later, Keri and Kim toast with chocolate milk, and then Keri says they should tell everyone that they're behind the Tattler. I'd make a comment about whether she really thinks slamming people will lead to popularity, but I have gotten some interesting emails over the years. Mokthar comes up and congratulates them, having heard that Keri's dad dropped a couple grand on a desktop publishing system. He offers himself up as a paparazzo, and Kim hires him. Shouldn't you clear that with Moneybags, there, Kim? Kim walks past Teddy, who cautions her not to walk on the wrong side of the hall. He then says he's kidding, and that he doesn't buy into any of that "A-list nonsense." Hmm, a popular, probably rich guy who is nice to the disenfranchised. I'd make a joke about typecasting, but considering this is a guy who's playing a character with his real last name, it'd probably be something of a waste. Teddy compliments Kim on some joke that happened off-screen, and if we're to believe that Kim said something really clever, it's probably best that the writers left it to our imagination. They introduce themselves, and Teddy says that Kim isn't a "shrinking Violet," like, first, if they're only having this conversation at this point in the movie, I don't know how he came to that conclusion, and second, kill me now. Teddy offers to switch oral-report dates with Kim, and even though it seemed like she was totally lying about her excuse, she says that would be great. Teddy awkwardly and endearingly smiles, and then goes off to read Animal Farm, as Kim makes dorky faces. Not very spunky or world-weary there, Kim. Thank God.
Cut to BMS, who needs to lose both the bangs and the self-tanner. to her is her dorky personal slave, Logan. BMS is leading a pep rally or something, and bitchily asks Logan for the "invites." They're orange paper leaves with something about BMS's "Fall Ball" on them. After telling people that the guest list will be smaller than usual, Logan starts handing out invites to anyone who'll grab them. Whatever. Kim says that they have to get into the party. Keri moans about how exclusive it is. Of course it is. Orange leaves don't grow on trees, you know. Bitchony and Bitchory stand to them as Bitchory exaggeratedly and annoyingly waves her invite around. Keri snaps a picture of it as Bitchony and Bitchory blather obliviously. Later, Keri and Kim have reproduced their very own second-grade invites, although how they think those will stop them from getting kicked out of the party as soon as they show their Wrong-Side-Of-The-Hallway faces is beyond me. Keri especially dorks out, and says she'll see Kim that night, as she needs to go buy a killer outfit, even though I’M SO SURE BMS WAS HANDING OUT INVITES FOR A PARTY THAT SAME NIGHT, AND ALSO THE PARTY WAS BILLED FOR A SATURDAY. Did Shaun Cassidy produce this? Kim tells Peg about the party, and Peg is surprised, like, I'm sure pointing out what a social retard your daughter is normally is an ideal approach to mothering a teenaged girl. More nicely, Peg says it's nice that Kim has found Keri as a friend, and laments the thought that they have nothing to work on now. Kim's "ha ha, I've got a secret" reaction would be annoying if it wasn't followed by four minutes of blissful commercials, and I'm including looks at Andie McDowell and (P.) Diddy as "blissful." Also, what a comedown it must be for Peg to have such a loser daughter. I mean, Kelly was a slut, but at least she was popular. Party. There's a big line, which the second-grade invitations apparently allow Keri and Kim to cut, like, what's the point of the invitations if people can line up outside to get in? Kim's dressed like Cher in the '60s, by the way, but if she's aiming at impressing the queens, she's going to have to do better with the hair. Inside, kids "dance" as Kim suggests that they split up. Keri hands her a camera, saying that Mokthar freaked when he heard that the quarterback was working the front door. That, and they didn't have enough orange paper to make a third invitation. Bitchony and Bitchory dance, and at least they have a slight bit of rhythm, or they do until Kim comes over and spunkily spills a drink on them. Kim gives them a spunky smile, like, shut up Kim, and says they're even. Bitchony and Bitchory say that Kim will never be even with them, "NEH! VER!" Teddy appears and congratulates them on practicing their phonics. Bitchory: "Cuteness isn't an excuse for rudeness!" Yeah, but it makes it go a lot more smoothly. Bitchony and Bitchory see something shiny and run off, as Teddy incorporates an acting choice that's meant to be an all-knowing smirk, but in fact looks like he Botoxed one side of his face. Well, at least he's trying.
Keri watches the queens dance. It doesn't merit its own scene, but it is easy to recap. Kim babbles that she didn't expect to see a "rebel" like Teddy at BMS's party. Teddy says it's a long story, or a long lie, and then says it's not important. Way to salvage that at bat from oh-and-two there, slugger. He then tells her that he's happy to spend his FRIDAY NIGHT, like, nice invitations, Props Department, with Kim. Kim dorks out and scratches her head, and maybe her social standing would improve if she got hold of a bottle of Kwell. Teddy goes on to imply that he's seen his dad use ice cream as a sex toy with girls who are only slightly older than he is, and I'm glad this is on the Family Channel so all the twelve-year-olds watching this can turn directly to their parents and ask what exactly Teddy's talking about. Kim tells Teddy that he doesn't seem like this "boy toy on the make" like everyone says. Teddy, puzzled, asks who says that, like all the lewd comments TO HIS FACE haven't been enough of a clue. Kim tells him that everyone does, and then someone barrels by and pushes her into his arms. Teddy smiles big, which is both the most aesthetically pleasing thing and the best bit of acting he's done so far. Kim mentions The Breakfast Club, and Teddy is amazed that she likes that movie as well, as if it wasn't one of the biggest pop-culture phenomena of its decade. Hey, Teddy? She also likes Star Wars, but don't let that get out -- you don't want people thinking your girl is into anything too obscure. BMS spots Teddy and Kim as Teddy asks what Kim is doing at this party. It hardly seems fair that he ask her that, considering the lame story he told when she asked him the same question, but it has been about three minutes since we had a reminder of Kim's Wrong Side Of The Hall status. Kim stalls by sending Teddy for drinks, which is BMS's cue to rush over and have Kim escorted from the premises. Kim protests the manhandling, saying that the guys are looking at sensitivity training. Quarterback Guy says he's already been twice, which is a couple minutes early for the second mildly funny joke. Teddy turns back from the drinks table to see that Kim's gone. My closed-captioning says "Gears Grinding," but they seem to have dubbed that part out. Kim gets escorted out the front door, where she runs into a drunk-looking Logan, who's in "exile from [BMS]-land" because he forgot to pick up the "leaf-shaped hors d'oeuvres platters." If that buys you exile, I'm surprised that Kim's combo of crashing the party and wearing her "I Got You Babe" outfit didn't result in summary execution. Logan says he's tired of BMS's shit, as Kim lends a faux-sympathetic ear and convinces Logan to spill his guts about BMS. Kim promises that what he tells her will stay just between them. I didn't know superheroes went around lying like that. Well, except for Clark Kent.
Tabloid headline about Logan spilling his guts. Montage of kids reading the story aloud, which outs BMS's addiction to buying clothes at some discount store. The montage is cut with some shots of Kim and Logan in BMS's basement. The front of the tabloid has a shot of BMS with Photoshopped metalhead hair, which is somewhat amusing. It still beats the bangs, though. Keri congratulates Kim as BMS rushes into the cafeteria and freaks that Mokthar, Esmeralda, and some other geek are sitting at her table. They show her a copy of the Tattler, causing her to slap Logan and rush off. Bitchony and Bitchory are concerned at this development, while Keri shows signs of the raging annoyance she will soon become. Signs other than her voice and personality, that is. The tabloid is a big hit at school, and Peg observes this as she pulls up to drop Kim off. Peg notes that Kim told her the school paper was shut down, and Kim hems and haws over some story about the kids reading The Wall Street Journal. Peg, you know, I'm sure you don't want to show off those crack investigative skills too much, but you don't have to be on the level of Woodward and Bernstein to know that the Journal DOESN'T HAVE COLOR PICTURES. Peg does notice, however, that that "cute boy" is staring at Kim, like, down, Peg. Kim rushes over to Teddy, who asks what happened to her at BMS's party. Kim covers with one of her less egregiously-executed lies, and Teddy sort of charmingly asks her out on a date. Kim dorks out again, and Teddy goes off, happy that he managed to out-act the tree he was leaning on for the bulk of that scene. When he's gone, Logan tries to fill the void that the de-gayification of Brett left by shrieking at Kim that she promised she wouldn't tell everyone about BMS. He talks himself in circles for a while, and somewhere in there might possibly threaten to expose them, if you take the time to really listen to what he's saying. Sometimes the jokes really come naturally, you know? Supply closet. Kim tells Keri about Logan, and Keri in turn tells her that Brett got Esmeralda to fess up that she lent Kim his PDA, so their cover's blown, and she's already telling people that they're behind the Tattler. Kim's worried, but Keri thinks they're doing good work, and suggests that they "come out of the closet." And I'll suggest that you drink some of the toxic chemicals that are sitting around in said closet and die. I know that's not really a metaphor, but given how literally you take everything, it doesn't really matter for my purposes.
Keri and Kim haltingly walk through the cafeteria until Keri screws up her courage and starts offering copies of the Tattler. There's a long pause, during which Teddy makes a series of ACTING facial expressions designed to express CONFUSION, and then a lot of kids start clapping and cheering and clamoring for copies. Keri spazzes out until Bitchony and Bitchory come over and give them a bunch of shit. Bitchony says that she's late for a facial, and Kim slaps a slice of olive loaf on her. Well, at least this is more age-appropriate material. The principal is being excoriated over the phone by BMS's father. Later, the principal yells at Keri and Kim. He threatens them with expulsion, but then his secretary cuts in over the intercom to tell him the MHAIF (Mom He Actually Is Fucking) is ready for their "appointment." Kim cottons on, not that it isn't a particularly short logical leap, what with the principal swallowing enough Binaca to kill the smell of even the most pungent olive loaf. In the closet, Kim tells Keri that there's a story with the principal and the chippie. She spies a janitor's uniform and a mop, and she's going to need them to clean up the wacky hijinx that are sure to be forthcoming. Cut to the principal's office, where he rudely pushes past the "disguised" Kim, who tries to put on a man's voice and yet DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO PUT HER LONG HAIR UP, and to borrow a phrase from Demian, this movie blows, and I want to die. Kim finds a mash note from the MHAIF and takes a picture of it. Given the hearts and flowers all over the note, I wouldn't be surprised to learn of some statutory rape here, except that might be a little too much even for the Family Channel. (Stepbrother trying to get into his stepsister's pants, though? Totally okay, at least on Friday night.) The English teacher is going on about Animal Farm, like, is this class challenged that they spend so much time on one book? Kim notices that Teddy won't make eye contact with her. Kim gets called on for her thoughts on the book, as if the thirty oral reports they're doing ON THE SAME BOOK aren't enough, but she gets summoned to the principal's office before she can answer. She exchanges a conspiratorial smile with Keri and leaves. Principal's office. He's holding a copy of the Tattler with a headline of "No Principles Principal." He threatens her with expulsion, but she in turn says that she'll mass-produce that edition. He asks her what she wants, and she demands the newspaper's office back...
...and just like that, the day spa is toast, much to the chagrin of Bitchony and Bitchory. Keri gloats that it's their time, and they've got the power, and enough with the delusions of grandeur and the argyle sweaters, Keri. But neither of those is gone just yet, as Keri suddenly has minions, be they geeks or not. After far too much discussion of the quarterback's lack of endowment, Keri shoots down a bunch of story ideas and tells her audience that Bitchony and Bitchory are about to "rally the troops." Basically, Keri needs to switch to decaf even more than usual, and it's causing tension between her and Kim. And her and the rest of the free world, but that's less newsworthy. Kim catches Teddy coming in from practice. He reluctantly greets her, and tells her that he's upset that she's behind the gossip rag, since no one's been through the rumor mill more than he. Of course, he apparently he had no idea he was even on anyone's radar the last time they discussed this subject, so apparently he's heard a lot of things about himself in a short stretch of time. That'll happen when you discover the internet, though. Kim tells him that she'd never write anything bad about him, but he tells her that he used to think she was above the school, and now he sees that she's happy to stoop to its level. Wow, it took a rebel like Teddy to put Kim in her place. And when I think of rebels, the first thing that always, always comes to mind is "pretty-boy tennis player." BMS is giving an "inspirational" speech to the privileged kids. I'm not sure why she's retained her status as their leader, given the revelation that she buys outfits that cost less than most of these kids spend daily on grooming their skeletal asses. Brett is still around as well, even though he admitted he's total white trash. He insults Bitchony and Bitchory, and then apologizes, saying that old habits die hard. That might explain his feathery hair and continued use of eyeliner. BMS suggests that they mount a PR campaign to rehabilitate their image, which will consist of them reaching out to the plebes. Her minions approve. God, these kids are dumb. Cut to Bitchony and Bitchory giving away food in the cafeteria. That's not exactly a stretch for them. BMS hands out tiaras, which is a good idea. I just want to know how she got rid of the queens so that the headwear didn't get bogarted. Kim and Keri look glum, although that could be because Keri is wearing her eighteenth argyle sweater of the film. Keri says they have to target Bitchony and Bitchory , although I don't really follow the logic, since their smear campaign didn't seem to do much to BMS's popularity. Teddy comes over to talk to Kim, but she doesn't see him and gets up and crashes into Bitchory, and aren't superheroes supposed to have some degree of coordination? The contents of Bitchory's bag go flying, and we see that a prescription bottle is among them. Somehow, she misses this and Kim picks it up and sees that it's the apparently made-up drug "Dilutia." And if this movie wasn't contrived enough already, we now have to deal with a Diuretic Ex Machina.
Kim does some research on the made-up drug. Keri tells her that half the girls in school take diuretics to lose weight, and that she should dig harder. Cut to Bitchony and Bitchory exaggeratedly flouncing into the girls' bathroom, and Kim stupidly eavesdropping and overhearing something about the garbage. Then the janitor comes in and gets the garbage, and Kim follows him. I'd comment on how unearned everything in this movie is, but if they made me wait for plotlines as stupid as this to unfold, I'd be even more annoyed. Kim takes pictures of the janitor emptying the garbage into a dumpster, but when he leaves, she rushes over to it, and what was the point of taking all those pictures that incriminate no one and prove nothing? Also, I should mention that, much earlier, Kim said she drew the metaphorical line at going through people's garbage, and I don't know which is the more horrifying: that the movie considers this character development, or that I still remember events that unfolded on my screen more than an hour ago. Anyway, Kim overdramatically roots around in the dumpster until she gets a satisfied, spunky look on her face. Shut up, Kim. Kim tells Keri that Bitchony and Bitchory have taken so many diuretics that they're actually incontinent, and they wear adult diapers. I'm sorry if I leaked that too early. Also, I really doubt that (a) they would be able to hide the diapers under the skimpy outfits they favor, and(b) that they wouldn't just stop taking the diuretics and resort to bulimia like normal children. Anyway, Keri is happy at the scoop... ...and we cut to the entire cafeteria laughing at Bitchony and Bitchory. They run out. Kim wears a stupid hat, and she and Keri sit at a table full of KFC, and how much must that company have paid to make it look like its cheap, processed "chicken" marks the top of the high school social ladder? (I resisted a "pecking order" joke there. No need to thank me.) Keri stands up and announces a party at her house on Friday, and I hope her parents are okay with a bunch of kids showing up at their house on Thursday night. Everyone cheers. She must be planning to serve KFC. Stupid tabloid headline... ...and then we're at the party, where Kim is chagrined to learn that Mokthar has been refused entrance, because the party's supposed to be for the entire school. Keri's finally ditched the argyle in favor of a pillbox hat and jacket, and do the leads of this movie even know that we're in the twenty-first century now? Keri is blathering to some non-speaking extras about an idea for a junior-high version of the Tattler, and then horribly overacts as she asks a minion to get her another egg cream, but Kim pulls her away, and they have a stupid, obvious discussion about how "A-list" the party is, and then Kim bails and runs into Teddy, who apologizes for what he said and says he enjoyed what she did to BMS. He offers to make it up to her, and she bargains for some free tennis lessons. God, Kim, use your imagination here. I think your mom's going to make a man out him soon if you don't get it in gear. Teddy offers a dance lesson, and they share a horribly awkward and stiff slow dance, although it's more due to her than him, I'm surprised to say. Teddy kind of adorably twirls and dips her, but then Keri shows up and pulls her away into Keri's dad's office. She berates Kim for hooking up with Teddy since he's a potential story, as if Kim would have the slightest idea what to do with him even if he showed up with a box of condoms and a copy of the Kama Sutra. Anyway, Keri slips up and tells Kim that she outed them on purpose, not because Esmeralda told Brett, like anyone cares. Keri stomps off, and Kim sees Mokthar at the window, again, like anyone cares.
Kim arrives home to find her mother waiting up with a copy of the Tattler. Peg gives Kim a cliché-ridden lecture about doing the right thing, and then it's time for bed and a commercial. Tabloid headline about Kim not being on the tabloid any more. Outside at school, Teddy storms over to Kim and slams down a copy of the Tattler with his picture on it. Kim denies knowledge of it, but Teddy points out that her name is listed as author. Instead of saying that Keri put it on there, Kim just sits there like an idiot for an eternity until Teddy stomps off. And then it's Kim doing the stomping, as she marches into the newspaper office and demands to know what's going on. Keri says she was testing Kim's loyalties, and then shows her some bullshit stories she's working on about non-A-list kids, and can we get to the point without having another philosophical discussion about the point of the paper and having Keri horribly deliver a quote from Citizen Kane? Why do I even ask these questions? Kim recycles the Jerry Maguire quote from earlier, Keri threatens to make her the subject of a story, and Kim spunkily leaves. Shut up, ABC Family Channel. Cafeteria. Bitchony and Bitchory have been relegated to a non-cool-kids' table. Kim finds out that Mokthar quit the paper in protest after Keri asked him to doctor some photos. Kim says it's like Keri has become a totally different person, and since from that statement it's clearly Opposite Day, I'll have to say that I agree. Anyway, Mokthar lets it spill that Keri's dad did some work on her in the second grade, and Kim gets an idea. Or she might have indigestion from all the KFC she's been scarfing down. Establishing shot of Keri's house, with Mokthar sitting outside with a paper bag, and then we're inside, as Kim is badly acting her way through a scene wherein she convinces Keri's dad to do some work on her arms, even though (a) I'd think some parental consent would be required for a minor, and (b) like Kim hasn't been to Keri's house a bunch of times, and we're to believe that Keri wouldn't have introduced her only friend to her dad who WORKS AT HOME? I'd say this movie can blow me, but it'd probably be really bad at it. Kim completely unsubtly looks at her watch... ...and outside, Mokthar looks at his watch and says, "Showtime." Yes, that is one of the many networks that passed on this dreck. He rings the doorbell, and Keri's dad goes to answer it. Mokthar keeps him out there for a little while with a story about a new restaurant that's giving out free food samples and bad puns. Inside, Kim finds the file she's looking for and snaps a photo.
Keri pulls up to school in a sweet VW bug, and parks in the handicapped zone. Kim watches nervously. Whatever. Keri holds egg-cream court at her reserved table with a bunch of non-speaking extras. I guess it's convenient that she talks so much, if only for budget reasons. She and Kim share an awkward look at each other as stupid strummy-strummy-la-la (tm Pamie) music plays. We get a montage of all the "good times" Kim and Keri shared, and recappers normally love montages, but given that I have to relive parts of this vomitous movie, I'm thinking the price of this one is a little steep. Then we're in the classroom, where Teddy gives Kim a baleful look, and then there's a badly-done montage of the two of them, which includes the times he told her off, and if Kim's remembering those moments fondly, she's even dumber than I thought. The montage becomes ever-increasingly random and pointless, unless the ABC Family Channel detests its viewers, which given my experience with organizations with the word "family" in their names actually seems like a pretty safe bet. Kim gets home to find Peg outside. Kim apologizes about the tabloid, and says she wishes they could run one giant retraction. If she's speaking on behalf of the network execs, I'd say too little, too late. Some girl who looks like Michelle Trachtenberg's alien cousin is badly telling Keri about what Bitchony and Bitchory have been up to when Kim enters the newspaper office. She spunkily waves an envelope at Keri. Shut up, Kim. Macros rule, don't they? A stupid tabloid headline promises the end to this movie. If it's lying, I'm definitely suing. Anyway, the big reveal is that Keri had a tail that her dad surgically removed. Well, sure, but what did he do about the horns and the cloven feet? Kim gloats, but then the strummy-strummy-la-la starts again, so she and Keri know it's time to get sad. Kim tells Keri that she was the best friend she ever had, and it seems like an inappropriate time for a joke, doesn't it? Endless staring at each other, and then Keri agrees to print a retraction for all the smearing and to shut down the paper. Tearing up, spunkiness, we're out... ...and back in to Kim's oral report on Animal Farm. It's so poignant, with the parallels to the movie and stuff. Or at least you'd think so, if you were going by Teddy's "And That's One To Grow On" facial expression. Everyone applauds, as if. Spunky smile, dorky laughing, a hint that Kim and Keri may rebuild their broken friendship. Barf. Is it over yet?
No, we have to visit Kim at home with her mom again. Peg tells Kim about some boring follow-up to the boring story she wrote, and I hope rents are cheap in this town, because I doubt Peg's going to get paid much for freelancing for the local supermarket's shopper's guide. Teddy shows up with a pizza and a movie, and Peg, having some experience with a different kind of movie, is only too happy to see him. However, he's there for Kim, and after an eternity, Peg makes herself scarce. Teddy's brought the director's cut of The Breakfast Club and a red rose. Aw, nice smile. Kim dorks out, as usual, and then they almost kiss, but we can't have that on the Family Channel, and then they actually have the nerve to play "Don't You Forget About Me." It's not worth the money, Simple Minds. Seriously. We get a bunch of shots of apparent new happy couples, including Kim and Teddy, Keri and Brett, Mokthar and BMS, Logan and Esmeralda, and one of the queens and the quarterback. Too bad the queen didn't talk to Mokthar first -- he'd have saved himself some disappointment. There's a barf-worthy quote from Kim about equality, and we're done. Except for me calling my cable company and blocking the ABC Family Channel so I'm never tempted to recap any of its programming again.