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Man, I'm spent. Six straight weeks emptying the jokes coffer on episodes that steadfastly refuse to suck, and now they give me this offering that's stuffed fuller than an opera singer's girdle. If this recap sounds like one big vaudeville show, I'm sorry, but that's all I've got left. Thanks, Rob.
Fade up on a crisply-dressed middle-aged dude. He's peering over his glasses and has his fingers interlaced around the back of his head -- the classic pose for radiating skepticism and disdain. The only reason it's not favored by TWoP recappers is that it precludes operating either the keyboard or the remote. It's hard to say which of those is the more important -- while the keyboard makes us the money, only the remote can be used in an emergency to save our sanity. Anyway, the target of the guy's skepticism is Cheyenne (real name apparently Deborah Collings), whose story about being with Koontz at the time of Lilly's murder he regards as questionable. "Lloyd" tells Keith -- with whom he's apparently at least an acquaintance -- that even if he believed the story, there's no way the top brass would risk a story like this on the word of a hooker. Hmm. Sounds like Lloyd has some residual bitterness left over from the time a woman of that profession told him he was "the best [she'd] ever had." Much as he would have liked to believe her, he realized that the contrary testimony of unpaid partners was far more likely to be the truth. And let's not get into the whole statistical unlikelihood of the claim. Where was I? Oh, Keith hands Lloyd a folder and says that there's a lot more to the story than Cheyenne's word. He tells Lloyd to read the material, and to talk to Cheyenne if he thinks there's merit. He leaves Cheyenne with Lloyd. Interesting that he thinks she'll just hang around twiddling her thumbs, considering her chosen profession takes "time is money" to a whole new level.
Keith approaches his front door as he checks his mail. There's an envelope from "Unified Genetics" marked "Results Confidential." I'm surprised Keith didn't have the envelope sent to a P.O. box, as Veronica seems even less likely than your average teenager to respect the aforementioned message. Of course, you could argue that that alone makes it overwhelmingly likely that she's Keith's daughter, but that's a whole nature vs. nurture debate, and who has time for that? (Note to the forum dwellers: Please consider that a rhetorical question.) Keith is about to open the envelope, but stops when he hears giggling from within the apartment. No, not the naughty kind (if his failure to draw his gun is any indication).
“ Lianne says she's setting a mood. It would have been cool if Keith had accidentally turned on 'Margaritaville,' but after last week's incest revelation, perhaps they're all out of Un! Comfortable!. ”
Inside, Veronica and Lianne are chopping vegetables for dinner. Each has a spoon in her mouth, which Lianne claims prevents tears. I would have thought the ironic reminder of the fact Veronica's not one of the many kids in Neptune who was sucking on that particular piece of cutlery from birth might be a cause of woe. But hey, I'm not much of a cook. Anyway, Lianne directs Keith to put on the radio and, when he complies, objects to the genre, since they're making tacos. Veronica laughs at her mother's need to have the music match the meal, but Lianne says she's setting a mood. It would have been cool if Keith had accidentally turned on "Margaritaville," but after last week's incest revelation, perhaps they're all out of Un! Comfortable!. Lianne then says that the music they're listening to is for spaghetti Bolognese and a nice Chianti. She follows up, "Um...sans the chianti," demonstrating that while the Un! Comfortable! may be in short supply, there's still plenty of awkward to go around. They all talk about music for different meals. Keith gets in on the act, and Lianne raises her water bottle in his direction. I'd make a comment about its being bad luck to toast with water, except I've seen the episode, and I'd have to admit that Lianne is a couple steps ahead of me. In more than one sense, given that it's before 5 PM where I am right now. Keith puts on a speedy version of "La Bamba," which everyone says is perfect. You all that have been here from the beginning probably don't need me to point out the crashing and burning foreshadowing.
Mars Investigations. Keith takes forever and a day to open the envelope. He looks at the results, but Cliff's voice cuts in, "Tell me this is a joke." If you mean that we have to wait even longer to settle the question of Veronica's parentage, I'm afraid I can't. Cliff clarifies that Keith wants to sue the Kanes, and Keith confirms that. Cliff: "Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?" No, but think how much more fun it would be if those were the Kane parents' names! Jake could twirl a cartoon mustache and pursue misadventures involving a moose and a squirrel, and Celeste could touch our hearts with wacky sketch comedy before dying tragically of ovarian cancer. Fun for everyone! Keith assures Cliff that the Kanes will settle. Cliff is unconvinced, but asks, "Anything you need me to have notarized?" Yes, a statement from you that you will be back season. I mean it.
Cut to a headline in the "San Diego Dispatch" detailing Cheyenne's claim. Considering how far we have to pan up to see the reader, this is a minor example of "burying the lead." Of course, considering one reader is Dick Casablancas, the camera guy couldn't be blamed for starting as far away as possible. Beaver is reading over Dick's shoulder, and he's agitated about the phone records and the shoes. Dick tells him that they don't mean anything, and that he needs to chill: "To the grave, man, that's what we said." In keeping with certain horror conventions that appear later in the episode, I'll say this: I know what you did last spring, you two. Now if you'll give me a minute to scrub my brain, we'll all be good.
“ Lianne takes the reward check out of Keith's bag and leaves. It's a cashier's check, but it is made out to Keith, so I'm not at all clear that she can negotiate it, but I think we're meant to think she can. Either way, I don't want to say what this makes her, but it rhymes with 'white- trash asshole irredeemable witch.' ”
Veronica returns home, and a worried Lianne asks what happened and if she's okay. Veronica says she'll tell her the story in the morning, but first she needs Lianne to pack. She emotionally tells Lianne she knows she's still drinking, and that she checked herself out of rehab even though Veronica spent her college money on it: "I bet on you and I lost. I've been doing that my whole life. And I'm through." You know, I just assumed when Lianne appeared at the end of the last episode, it was to contribute something to the murder investigation. If she was staying away to protect Veronica, as she claimed, then why else would she risk returning? But now I'm thinking, despite the pictures, her entire story was a series of exaggerations and lies. At this point, I'd pay to see her gone. (Er. That's an expression, right?) Lianne tells Veronica that it's not easy, but Veronica, with a steely gaze, pointedly says that she knows it's not, and goes into her room.
Keith wakes up to find a smiling Alicia. Awwww. Get ready for stepbrothers, Veronica!
Veronica collapses into bed.
Lianne takes the reward check out of Keith's bag and leaves with her stuff. It's a cashier's check, but it is made out to Keith, so I'm not at all clear that she can negotiate it, but I think we're meant to think she can. Either way, I don't want to say what this makes her, but it rhymes with "white-trash asshole irredeemable witch."
Veronica dreams of herself and Lilly, sporting matching bikinis and chaise longue rafts, floating on a lake full of lilies. They agree that this is how it's supposed to be. The straight males in the audience could not agree more. They share a wistful moment, and Lilly tells Veronica not to forget about her. And just like that, she's gone. Veronica, with a tear running down her face: "I could never." I'd ask who's with her, but perhaps I'll save strain on a lot of rotator cuffs and just ask who's not with her.
A knock at Veronica's door wakes her up. It appears to be 3:07 AM, and if you want a dissection of the significance of that, you can just go on the forums, since I'm about fifteen seconds from summer vacation. Veronica opens the door and smiles: "I was hoping it would be you." And with that, we fade out on a season that shows how television should be done.
That said, there were a couple of problems with this episode, I'd say. The whole horror-movie sequence wasn't an issue in and of itself. Just because the idea seems clichd doesn't automatically make it bad -- the reason most movies that follow those conventions suck is that they're badly written and wildly unbelievable. The sequence with Haaron and Veronica was neither, but I do find it a bit distracting that she left the party the way she did. Not much, but a little. And I'm not completely clear on Haaron's actions either. He had to know that Duncan would find out that Haaron killed Lilly, and it was reasonable to conclude that Veronica's and Duncan's parents would find out before Haaron could recover the tapes, so was he planning on killing Veronica, destroying the tapes, and hoping he could get away with both murders? It would have been a lot more reasonable for him to try to leave the country. Still, it was engaging and well-paced, and I wasn't at all unsatisfied with the killer's identity. Plus, there's also the little fact that Haaron was crazy. Also, the possibilities this episode laid out for characterization reversals are staggering. Assuming that Logan's okay, he's going to be less popular year than Veronica was this year. On the other hand, Droopy Duncan may be back to his pre-Lilly's murder self, which will be interesting to see, as will Jake Kane's quest for revenge. And Veronica's going to have to deal with the loss of the fuel that drove her all year, and reinvent herself to some degree yet again. It should be great, and I look forward to it. After a nice long break. Hope to see you all in the fall!