Hot Dogs

Recapped by Couch Baron · Aired 2005-04-19 · S01E19

“ Inside said house, a teenaged girl is reading Judy Blume's Forever. This is another point that seems a little off, development-wise, as every girl I went to elementary school with read that in the fifth or sixth grade. That and Wifey. ”
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Mars Investigations. Veronica is quizzing Weevil in math. I don't distinguish which high-school level of math it is because it's about a fourth-grade problem. I have no issue with thinking that Weevil's in remedial math, just because I think the number of classes he attends can be represented by about the only calculus concept I still remember, which is "limit approaches zero." But given my strong feeling that Weevil understands somewhat advanced gambling concepts like vig and odds and other forms of probability, I'm not sure I buy him needing help with a simple multiplication problem, be it couched in percentages or not. Also, speaking of odds, it's too bad Weevil's a suspect and therefore not an objective source, or I'd get him to handicap a "Who Killed Lilly Kane" betting pool. Considering how active the forums are, I bet I could retire off the vig from that. Weevil asks for a pencil, and then mentions that he heard Duncan took off. Veronica bristles a bit and confirms that, and Weevil tells her that "the word" is that he left because Veronica accused him of killing Lilly. Given that Meg didn't seem to suspect that, the only people who it seems could be spreading the "word" are Logan and Weevil himself. Perhaps they decided together. It's worth noting here, though, that Weevil drops his trademark swagger for this exchange. The implication, for me, is that Weevil knows or at least suspects that Veronica is aware of his relationship with Lilly. Veronica denies responsibility for Duncan leaving, but Weevil does note that Veronica must not think that Koontz is the killer. Veronica's spared having to answer that when Keith enters and greets her. He addresses Weevil as "Eli," and Weevil answers with a respectful "Sheriff." Aw. Despite that little butter-up, Keith maintains a stony silence, and Weevil catches the snap and takes off. You'd think Keith would have more of a rapport with a guy who's sporting less hair on his head than he is. But no, Keith asks if he needs to recap his "concerned dad lectures." Well, as the professional here, I'm going to have to vote for giving that one a miss. Veronica says she's returning a favor, but Keith pointedly suggests she and Weevil call it even. Sorry, Keith, but she's got a lot more tutoring to do before their favor account balances. Perhaps when Weevil graduates from Oxford, they can talk. Hee hee. Weevil at Oxford. "Cheers for the diploma, guvnah! Fancy nipping off to the local pub and hoisting a quick pint in the spirit of celebration?" Veronica says she'll be at home, "with the only sane member of the Mars family." Keith: "The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?" I hope he's talking about Backup 2.0, because if that's what rehab did for Lianne, Veronica's got a case for a full refund.

At night, a cute dog that is not Backup 2.0 barks, apparently tied or penned up outside a house. Inside said house, a teenaged girl is reading Judy Blume's Forever. This is another point that seems a little off, development-wise, as every girl I went to elementary school with read that in the fifth or sixth grade. That and Wifey. Then again, I am from New York, and I was in the equivalent of a Gifted and Talented program. Which are good adjectives to describe the protagonists of those books, if my understanding is correct. Anyway, alarmed by the barking, Wifey Jr. goes outside to find the dog, "Chester," gone. Don't worry, hon -- maybe it's just time for his weekly poker game. And those of you who think dogs don't play poker obviously have a developed capacity to filter out bad artwork. Despite my reassurances, Wifey Jr. calls out Chester's name

“ 'If you were such a great detective, you would have seen what was going on right underneath your nose.' That's better, Mommie Sneerest. You trying to be nice is like me trying to beer, nice. ”

Kevin Hill may have made a big mistake. Y'all, I'm a pro here. I don't need setups like that.

Dog Beach. Veronica is walking Backup 2.0. She comes upon a bulletin board, which has numerous flyers advertising lost dogs, including Mandy's original. VMVO tells us that she and Backup 2.0 go by there a lot, and she's never seen the board covered with notices like this. She takes down a bunch of them, and it's worth noting that many of them promise rather hefty rewards. Aw. 09er parents may beat and even kill their kids, but they love their dogs. Well, except the Kanes.

Mars Investigations. Veronica calls the number on one of the flyers on which the reward is $750, and asks about the missing dog. Upon learning that the owner recovered it, she asks how that came to pass. She calls the number on another flyer, on which the promised reward is only $50, and learns that the dog hasn't been returned after three weeks. Same with a $100 version. VMVO tells us that only owners who have offered big rewards have had their dogs returned as Veronica doctors the $100 ad to promise $1000. VMVO says that she can't do anything for Mandy, but if someone's kidnapping dogs, he or she needs to be brought down, "then beaten with some sort of tire iron and dumped into the nearest body of water." And here again it's too bad that Alyson can't channel Willow and say, "A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend." Also, I'd point out that it's Chester whom Veronica can't do anything for -- there's plenty she can do for Mandy. Salons do sell gift certificates, after all. Veronica goes into Keith's desk to search for something, but looks up when she hears Mommie Sneerest ask what she said to Duncan. The woman in question is wearing a yellow overcoat and pearls, so you know she's distraught. She asks again what Veronica said to Duncan. Interesting -- did Logan set her on this track? I don't see who else could have, and between that and the weird way he told Duncan about Veronica's investigation, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's playing a little game of his own here. Veronica: "Let's start with what I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that his mother threatened to kill me. I didn't tell him that his mother drove my mother out of town." Well, okay, but did you tell him he's a psycho loony who killed his sister? Maybe just a little bit? Mommie Sneerest, in a more conciliatory tone, says that she knows Veronica thinks she hates her, but that's not the case. "I just can't stand to look at you." If that's your version of nice, Mommie Sneerest, I'm going to have to ring in with a "Take two!" Mommie Sneerest goes on that Veronica encapsulates everything that's wrong in Mommie Sneerest's life. At this moment, Keith enters Mars Investigations, unbeknownst to the people therein. Mommie Sneerest talks about Jake's infidelity with Lianne, and Keith trying to destroy the Kanes. Keith enters and coldly asks what Mommie Sneerest is doing there. She says she needed to talk to Veronica, but Keith isn't having that. Mommie Sneerest says he doesn't scare her. "If you were such a great detective, you would have seen what was going on right underneath your nose." That's better, Mommie Sneerest. You trying to be nice is like me trying to beer, nice. She walks out. The phone rings, and Keith answers it

“ A couple guys give graphic descriptions using charades that the Dog Man likes humping busty women. At least I hope they're women -- if something more deviant got lost in translation, maybe language barriers aren't the worst thing. ”

Dog Beach, which, from this angle, is the same place Veronica met up with "Karl" in "The Wrath Of Con." It's even more aptly named than I thought. Wallace waits anxiously, holding an envelope, and a white van pulls up nearby and a Hispanic dude gets out with the little dog in question. Wallace greets the dog enthusiastically, and asks the dude where he found him, but the dude is all, "No hablo ingles." Convenient, that. They make the trade, but when the dude starts to head back to the van, he hears barking, and Backup 2.0 comes bounding toward him. The guy may not speak English, but he understands this well enough. Also, it looks like the show found a trainer who knows what he's doing, as Backup 2.0 jumps on the guy and growls as the guy tries valiantly not to make mierda in his pantalones. Veronica appears and tries to calm the guy down as Backup 2.0 rips off his shoe. Hee. If you look closely, you can see Veronica sneak Wallace's envelope out of his jacket. Eventually, she gets Backup 2.0's leash back on, and apologizes to the guy, who mutters in Spanish about the crazy dog. He runs away, carrying his shoe. Hee, again. But the van seems no longer to be there, which is something of a clue. VMVO lets us know that she's tagged the guy

and we cut to her tracking him, as she notes that he's walking. She drives off to follow

and pulls into the parking lot of a warehouse-sized hardware store. She sees Solamente Un Zapato telling a couple cronies what happened. He then walks off, and Veronica gets Backup 2.0 and follows. When she rounds a corner, Solamente Un Zapato sees her and goes ballistic, which isn't so great for her, as there are well more than a dozen of his friends around. He yells in Spanish about his money as everyone crowds around. VMVO: "Oh, crap." And nary a growl from Backup 2.0. I spoke too soon before -- that trainer is so fired.

Solamente Un Zapato keeps demanding the money, but Veronica counters that he stole the dog. The guy understands that, and I'm going to assume that that's not any sort of social commentary. But I will note that Veronica's Spanish isn't quite as good as we were led to believe, which is fine. Everyone keeps babbling until VMVO tells us that it's time for the international language ofand she sounds an air horn. Hee. Veronica gets down to brass tacks, asking who stole the dog, and Solamente Un Zapato tells her that it was el hombre de los perros, or "the dog man." Thanks for clearing that up, compadre. The Dog Man drives a white van and pays the guys to return dogs, but they don't know his name. A couple guys give graphic descriptions using charades that the Dog Man likes humping busty women. At least I hope they're women -- if something more deviant got lost in translation, maybe language barriers aren't the worst thing. Veronica leaves. Hey, what about the dinero?