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So like, you guys? Remember that Scooby-Doo, Where Are You episode where Scooby got dognapped, and the Scoobs had to battle a witch doctor to expose a dognapping ring? Well, there's no witch doctor in this episode, but a dog does get kidnapped, belonging to some girl who looks like she auditioned for the "before" part in She's All That. That plot's pretty self-contained, and Veronica solves it rather easily, and with a happy ending. The remaining members of the Echolls family find out that Lynn left all her worldly possessions to Logan, so Trina hits him up for money for her indie-filmmaker boyfriend. Logan takes joy in snarkily refusing, but things turn darker when the b.f. smacks Trina around. Logan enlists Veronica to track the guy down, temporarily sublimating the tension left over from the last episode. They track him to dinner with Haaron, who literally beats Logan to the punch, and a lot of other things. You'll get a tee and a hee out of the music choice here, by the way. All this violence leads to more sharing between Logan and Veronica. And yes, the sharing includes lips, which elicits either a squee or a squee-ack, depending on your point of view. Veronica does come clean to Deputy Leo, though. Poor Marbles. Weevil breaks into Lilly's room and gets arrested. Duncan is still missing, causing Mommie Sneerest to show up for a high noon with Veronica that Keith cuts short. Veronica offers to find Duncan if Mommie Sneerest will drop the charges against Weevil. That doesn't really go anywhere, but Veronica does realize that Weevil succeeded in stealing something from Lilly's room, and she's clearly doubting his innocence in the murder. Finally, remember when Veronica surreptitiously had Keith's DNA tested? Apparently he thinks turnabout is fair play. Dude, three episodes left. I may need to watch them on Quaaludes, to prevent a cardiac event. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Mars Investigations. Veronica is quizzing Weevil in math. I don't distinguish which high-school level of math it is because it's about a fourth-grade problem. I have no issue with thinking that Weevil's in remedial math, just because I think the number of classes he attends can be represented by about the only calculus concept I still remember, which is "limit approaches zero." But given my strong feeling that Weevil understands somewhat advanced gambling concepts like vig and odds and other forms of probability, I'm not sure I buy him needing help with a simple multiplication problem, be it couched in percentages or not. Also, speaking of odds, it's too bad Weevil's a suspect and therefore not an objective source, or I'd get him to handicap a "Who Killed Lilly Kane" betting pool. Considering how active the forums are, I bet I could retire off the vig from that. Weevil asks for a pencil, and then mentions that he heard Duncan took off. Veronica bristles a bit and confirms that, and Weevil tells her that "the word" is that he left because Veronica accused him of killing Lilly. Given that Meg didn't seem to suspect that, the only people who it seems could be spreading the "word" are Logan and Weevil himself. Perhaps they decided together. It's worth noting here, though, that Weevil drops his trademark swagger for this exchange. The implication, for me, is that Weevil knows or at least suspects that Veronica is aware of his relationship with Lilly. Veronica denies responsibility for Duncan leaving, but Weevil does note that Veronica must not think that Koontz is the killer. Veronica's spared having to answer that when Keith enters and greets her. He addresses Weevil as "Eli," and Weevil answers with a respectful "Sheriff." Aw. Despite that little butter-up, Keith maintains a stony silence, and Weevil catches the snap and takes off. You'd think Keith would have more of a rapport with a guy who's sporting less hair on his head than he is. But no, Keith asks if he needs to recap his "concerned dad lectures." Well, as the professional here, I'm going to have to vote for giving that one a miss. Veronica says she's returning a favor, but Keith pointedly suggests she and Weevil call it even. Sorry, Keith, but she's got a lot more tutoring to do before their favor account balances. Perhaps when Weevil graduates from Oxford, they can talk. Hee hee. Weevil at Oxford. "Cheers for the diploma, guvnah! Fancy nipping off to the local pub and hoisting a quick pint in the spirit of celebration?" Veronica says she'll be at home, "with the only sane member of the Mars family." Keith: "The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?" I hope he's talking about Backup 2.0, because if that's what rehab did for Lianne, Veronica's got a case for a full refund.
At night, a cute dog that is not Backup 2.0 barks, apparently tied or penned up outside a house. Inside said house, a teenaged girl is reading Judy Blume's Forever. This is another point that seems a little off, development-wise, as every girl I went to elementary school with read that in the fifth or sixth grade. That and Wifey. Then again, I am from New York, and I was in the equivalent of a Gifted and Talented program. Which are good adjectives to describe the protagonists of those books, if my understanding is correct. Anyway, alarmed by the barking, Wifey Jr. goes outside to find the dog, "Chester," gone. Don't worry, hon -- maybe it's just time for his weekly poker game. And those of you who think dogs don't play poker obviously have a developed capacity to filter out bad artwork. Despite my reassurances, Wifey Jr. calls out Chester's name…
…which echoes into a shot of Veronica by her locker. When she turns around, Logan is there, and they smile awkwardly but not uncomfortably at each other. (See? There's an art to knowing when to use "awkward" and when to use "Un! Comfortable!" Sars and Wing give a kick-ass seminar on the subject.) Logan asks what she thinks, and Veronica babbles somewhat sarcastically to cover the fact that naughty, naughty thoughts are going through her head. Don't worry, Veronica, he's not a Betazoid. Although if he is, I'm in a lot of trouble. Logan clarifies that he means whether she thinks Duncan is okay. Veronica says she doesn't know, but Logan goes on that Mommie Sneerest called him and asked where he thought Duncan was, but he said he didn't know. He looks up, motions with his finger, and the bell rings. Well, it's no smacking a jukebox, but from the look on Veronica's face, it might be good for second base. Or at least a nork flash. Logan takes off, and VMVO says they can pretend that their "two minutes in heaven" never happened. "My lips, for all intents and purposes, are sealed." Well, that doesn't mean much, when you've got a voice-over to fall back on. Oh, maybe she means something else. Veronica, that's dirty! You're talking about girl parts! Anyway, said talk of girl parts leads Veronica to a girl, namely Wifey Jr., who's putting up signs for her lost dog. Noticing that Wifey Jr. has one taped to her back, Veronica goes up to her and takes it off, prompting Wifey Jr. to turn around and…good God, what has she done with her hair? She's wearing it in multiple unflattering long pigtails, and between that, the lack of any makeup, and the clashing outfit, well…let's just say the long drought between my spontaneous renditions of the "Makeover" song from Clone High is now over. (And yes, I love making jokes that a total of like five people will get, all of those being on the staff. ["STAMOS!!!" -- Sars]) But to put it more accessibly, it's too bad this girl (who's actually very pretty, if her first scene was any indication) didn't audition for She's All That, because her appearance is frightening enough that she's a much more believable outcast than Rachael Leigh Cook. Add to that the bonus that, you know, I would have been spared Rachael Leigh Cook. The posters Wifey Jr. is putting up kind of adorably and heartbreakingly say "LOST DOG. FRIGHTENED. ALONE." They do say pets are like their owners. Veronica turns to go, but Wifey Jr. asks if she's Veronica Mars, and on hearing a positive response, asks if she could hire Veronica to find her dog. Veronica says that kind of case isn't her specialty, and Wifey Jr. accepts that at face value and turns to go. Veronica reconsiders, however, and says she can make a couple calls and maybe help put up signs. Well, it'll be nice for her to take a case that's good for her soul. After almost getting a man killed, putting her mom in rehab, helping a rich princess get even richer, and dealing with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I'd say she could use it. (Note to self: Stop referencing past episodes. When you get paid by the link, we'll talk.) (Other note to self: Stop talking to yourself in front of the readers.) (One final note to self: Shut up, all of you.)
Anyway, Wifey Jr. grins big, and doesn't even stop when Wallace shows up and whisks Veronica away to tell her that Weevil was arrested in Lilly's bedroom. Veronica, given your "my lips are sealed" comment from earlier, you might want to close your gaping mouth. Logan could be walking by at any moment. Credits.
Sheriff's office. Veronica comes to see Leo, who notes he hasn't heard from her in a couple days. They exchange some banter about bondage, although if he knew what she's been up to with Logan, he might want to use those handcuffs in earnest. Veronica tells Leo she's there to see Weevil. Leo wonders what it is about bad boys, and upon hearing Veronica's description that they're "total good-girl bait," says he's doomed. I'd call that foreshadowing, but when the breakup is imminent enough that even a newborn baby knows that Leo should be stocking up on the ice cream and country music, it would be a bit of an insult to that dramatic device. Veronica asks Leo what they found on Weevil when he was brought in. The answer? "Seventeen cents, a couple condoms, a pen." Hmm. I don't think Monty Hall would give him much for that, but Weevil can be pretty persuasive.
Veronica enters the holding area, and Weevil asks if she has the nail file and the J. Lo poster he asked for. I hope he's going to use the former on the latter. Veronica asks what he was doing in Lilly's room, and tells him she knows about the letters. Weevil says that whatever she thinks she knows isn't the whole story. Well, she is the star of the show, dude. She's probably clued into that by now. Veronica points out that the timing is a little suspicious, with them discussing the murder one second and him showing up at the dead girl's house the . Weevil gets pissy, and asks if she's going to help him. After a long look, Veronica says no, and turns to go. Weevil calls for her to wait. Well, Weevil, great poker player or not, it looks like your bluff just got called. He tells her that he had given Lilly a diamond ring that belonged to his mother that she had given him to save as an engagement ring. He didn't find it, but the Kanes want his head for his break-in, and now that he's eighteen, it's no more juvie for him, but, as Veronica puts it, "community soap." Aw, bringing me back to my days in Oz. It was pointed out on the boards that Weevil probably had no way of knowing that Lilly's possessions would still be in her room, or that the Kanes would even still have them after all this time. Perhaps, however, he figured since the square footage of the Kane estate is a higher number than the average family's net worth, they hadn't gotten around to getting rid of all her Ken and Barbie dolls just yet. And if you think those Ken dolls weren't anatomically correct, you just don't know our girl.
Mars Investigations. Veronica has printed up some snazzy new flyers, and Wifey Jr. (it's easy to type, and I still don't know her name) notes how much better they are than hers. Considering your relative fashion sense, this shouldn't be coming as a surprise. Veronica gets the facts from Wifey Jr., which are that she was babysitting an 09er kid, but she herself is "practically an '02er.'" The kid's parents let Wifey Jr. keep Chester in the backyard. Also, she called the pound, but hasn't been down there, so Veronica suggests they go.
Chez Echolls. Haaron is reading Siddhartha. Um, hee, especially considering he's sitting on a contextually bizarre leopard-print couch. Don't think the Buddhists will approve of that. Trina appears and kiss-assedly asks if he's doing research for his role. Ha! The thought of Haaron playing a Brahmin gives me the giggles. Haaron says that Phil Jackson gave him the book (um, hee, again) and said it would change his perspective. Trina suggests he option it. Honey, it's been done, and anyway, Haaron says he's through with acting. As Logan enters in the background, Trina asks if Haaron would reconsider if something really great came along, but Haaron New Ages that his job now is just to be there for the ones he loves. "Lynn's death was my wake-up call." And I'm sure she's so happy about that. So many people would willingly give their lives to pull a swelled head out of a massively clueless and cheating ass. Logan can stay silent no longer, not that that's his strong suit anyway, and frames Haaron's face with his hands as he snarks, "Push in on our hero." He makes barbed comments about Haaron's "weathered face" and "doting daughter," and then Yodas, "Important your family is." Hee. Haaron's moderately amused, while Trina looks like she wishes she could channel a incarnation and lilt, "Boorrred now." When Logan's finished, Trina tries to get Haaron to agree to star in an indie film her boyfriend is producing. Haaron: No. Logan laughs at Haaron's apparent commitment to change. Hey, Logan, maybe you could reconsider people's capacity for change the time you're hiking your tongue down Veronica's throat. The doorbell rings…
…and a lawyer is informing the Echollses that Lynn updated her will a few weeks before her death. Interesting. Did she only do it out of anger at Haaron, or was there an inkling of her suicide thrown into the mix? (If she's even dead, of course. Much like Manuel on Fawlty Towers, I know nothing.) The lawyer informs Haaron that he was removed from the will, which Haaron didn't know, but takes in comfortable stride. Having piles and piles of money to land on will cushion any blow. Logan snarks that Haaron's accountants didn't give Lynn much of an allowance, and Haaron takes the opportunity to demonstrate his new commitment to Buddhism by sitting quietly. Lynn's will leaves her art collection, her personal effects, and $115,000 in investments to Logan. I'd think he's got a lot more than that in trust, but his twenty-first birthday is a long way away. Somewhere in Season Five, if Nielsen (grumble) is willing. Trina asks if Lynn took her out of the will too. Lawyer: "I'm afraid you were never in it." Lynn, whether you're on high, low, or right on our level, I hope someone's buying you a drink right now, because that? Was awesome.
Pound. Veronica gives the desk guy a flyer and tells him they're looking for a lost Jack Russell terrier. Oh, that's what breed Chester is? Er. I mean, no harm wished on a dog or anything, and he did look cute, but those things bark their fucking heads off. I wouldn't be surprised if someone pulled an Elaine Benes and kidnapped the thing just to get some sleep. The desk guy says Chester hasn't been through there. Some other, teenaged dude comes bounding out and greets Veronica by name, and tells Desk Guy that she's "the coolest girl in Neptune High." Veronica looks at him warily, wondering just what he might have heard about her. Apparently Veronica was going to be expelled for planting a spy cam in the teachers' lounge, but she had so much dirt on them they just let her off. Desk Guy is unimpressed. I guess the shit he cleans up doesn't stink. Wifey Jr. (I could use a name here, people) asks Veronica's worshipper if he's seen Chester, but the answer is no, although he says he'll keep an eye out, and his name's "Hans." Well, that's not who I was talking about, but thanks for trying, I guess. Wifey Jr. surreptitiously asks if Veronica really had a camera in the teachers' lounge, but Veronica deadpans that she has no idea what Hans was talking about. Wifey Jr. accepts that at face value. Heh.
Trina sunnily offers Logan a Pop-Tart. Logan: "A tart from a tart." Ouch, weak. How about, "Guess you eat a lot of these, huh?" Trina tells Logan she needs a loan. Logan hits a button on his watch, and notes that it only took twelve hours for her to hit him up for Lynn's money. I'd wonder at the lawyer having been at their house twelve hours earlier, considering it looks to be seven or eight in the morning, but when a family as rich as the Echollses calls, I guess the philosophy is that it's business hours somewhere. Trina says she needs ten grand, which causes an outburst from the guy who regularly plays tournament Hold 'Em with a thousand-dollar buy-in. Trina explains that she borrowed money from her producer boyfriend Dylan, and now "I can't get him off my back." Logan: "Did you try standing up?" Now that's what I'm talking about. Trina sarcastically thanks him, and turns away. Come on, Trina, for ten grand you've got to endure a little humiliation. Please? For me?
School. Veronica tells Wifey Jr. (sigh), who's at least dressed a lot better today, that they should post flyers at pet stores, as pet owners are more likely to call in about a missing pet. Wifey Jr.'s cell phone rings, and she spazzes out with excitement before her face falls like an overdone soufflé. She tells Veronica that someone was just playing a prank. Down the hall, some jerkoff is holding up his cell phone and barking as a bunch of his friends egg him on. Wifey Jr. explains that it's some dude she had a crush on the year before. She put his picture in her locker, which she didn't tell him about, but someone did. "He's gone out of his way to be mean to me ever since." Veronica starts toward the boys, and if you thought a tiny, blonde, unarmed girl couldn't bring new meaning to the expression "loaded for bear," you thought wrong. Veronica marches up to the jerkoff and tells him he's been named the world's biggest cockroach, he has no decency, and he's going to die friendless and alone. He starts to tell her she's the biggest…something that we'll never hear, because Veronica whirls and snaps, "Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage over your nose." The now-large crowd laughs appreciatively. "You use Mandy [THANK YOU, Veronica] again to convince yourself that you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?" He does. Thanks, folks! We're on again in an hour! As the crowd dissipates, Mandy starts to thank Veronica, but Veronica bites out that if Mandy wants respect, she has to demand it. Overidentification of the week complete, Veronica stomps off. Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Now quit it, or Veronica's going to pop a cap in your ass.
Chez Mars. Veronica enters and happily greets Backup 2.0. I'd like to point out that although the A-plot this week is a little facile, it at least has the virtue of dealing with a subject about which Veronica intrinsically actually cares. Her phone rings, and it's Hans. He tells her that he's got some bad news…
…and we cut to Mandy's teary eyes, and Hans tells her and Veronica that Chester was found on the highway, having been hit by a car, and they had to put him down. Since we're not even through the second segment, I don't think I'm spoiling much to say that Hans isn't the greatest liar. Mandy and Veronica both cry, and Hans gives Mandy Chester's collar. Mandy sniffs it slightly creepily and gets a slightly creepy smile on her face. We all deal with grief in our own way, I guess. The same goes for our hair, which Mandy also aptly demonstrates.
Kevin Hill may have made a big mistake. Y'all, I'm a pro here. I don't need setups like that.
Dog Beach. Veronica is walking Backup 2.0. She comes upon a bulletin board, which has numerous flyers advertising lost dogs, including Mandy's original. VMVO tells us that she and Backup 2.0 go by there a lot, and she's never seen the board covered with notices like this. She takes down a bunch of them, and it's worth noting that many of them promise rather hefty rewards. Aw. 09er parents may beat and even kill their kids, but they love their dogs. Well, except the Kanes.
Mars Investigations. Veronica calls the number on one of the flyers on which the reward is $750, and asks about the missing dog. Upon learning that the owner recovered it, she asks how that came to pass. She calls the number on another flyer, on which the promised reward is only $50, and learns that the dog hasn't been returned after three weeks. Same with a $100 version. VMVO tells us that only owners who have offered big rewards have had their dogs returned as Veronica doctors the $100 ad to promise $1000. VMVO says that she can't do anything for Mandy, but if someone's kidnapping dogs, he or she needs to be brought down, "then beaten with some sort of tire iron and dumped into the nearest body of water." And here again it's too bad that Alyson can't channel Willow and say, "A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend." Also, I'd point out that it's Chester whom Veronica can't do anything for -- there's plenty she can do for Mandy. Salons do sell gift certificates, after all. Veronica goes into Keith's desk to search for something, but looks up when she hears Mommie Sneerest ask what she said to Duncan. The woman in question is wearing a yellow overcoat and pearls, so you know she's distraught. She asks again what Veronica said to Duncan. Interesting -- did Logan set her on this track? I don't see who else could have, and between that and the weird way he told Duncan about Veronica's investigation, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's playing a little game of his own here. Veronica: "Let's start with what I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that his mother threatened to kill me. I didn't tell him that his mother drove my mother out of town." Well, okay, but did you tell him he's a psycho loony who killed his sister? Maybe just a little bit? Mommie Sneerest, in a more conciliatory tone, says that she knows Veronica thinks she hates her, but that's not the case. "I just can't stand to look at you." If that's your version of nice, Mommie Sneerest, I'm going to have to ring in with a "Take two!" Mommie Sneerest goes on that Veronica encapsulates everything that's wrong in Mommie Sneerest's life. At this moment, Keith enters Mars Investigations, unbeknownst to the people therein. Mommie Sneerest talks about Jake's infidelity with Lianne, and Keith trying to destroy the Kanes. Keith enters and coldly asks what Mommie Sneerest is doing there. She says she needed to talk to Veronica, but Keith isn't having that. Mommie Sneerest says he doesn't scare her. "If you were such a great detective, you would have seen what was going on right underneath your nose." That's better, Mommie Sneerest. You trying to be nice is like me trying to be…er, nice. She walks out. The phone rings, and Keith answers it…
…while out in the main room, Veronica tells Mommie Sneerest to wait -- Veronica will help her find Duncan if she'll drop the charges against Weevil. Now that's a real step in bringing the favor count even. Mommie Sneerest snarks that she's not surprised at the request, but Veronica says she might have an idea where Duncan went, and Weevil's release is what she wants in exchange. Mommie Sneerest wordlessly sweeps out. Considering how much she likes shattering people's dreams, her silence has to be taken as a "yes."
Dog Beach. VMVO tells us that she has no idea where Duncan is, but Mommie Sneerest doesn't know that. Veronica staples the doctored flyer to the bulletin board.
Chez Echolls, at night. Logan's eating something in the kitchen as Trina walks by with a noticeable limp. She's also wearing Lynn's sunglasses, so I guess she can't say Lynn never gave her anything. She asks if Haaron's still at dinner, and Logan says yes, but he's not far. "I'm sure if you really tried, you can [sic] blow smoke up his ass from here." Hee. Logan snarks at her a bit more, but getting a better look at how she's walking, asks what happened to her, and rips off the shades to reveal that Trina's sporting a nasty black eye. He asks if her boyfriend Dylan did this. Trina struggles with her emotions, but remains silent. Logan demands Dylan's last name, but Trina says he had no interest in her problems before, so he shouldn't be wishy-washy. "It's so unattractive in a guy." Geez, I hope she wasn't turned on when his fist was connecting with her eye. Sounds sick, but then again, you're aware of her surname. Also, like many people in the forums, I was convinced that Trina was faking her injuries here, so nice misdirection by Alyson, if it was intended. If not, blah blah broken-clock-cakes.
School. Wallace is telling Veronica that he walked in on Keith and Alicia making out on the couch the night before. Veronica's squeamish about hearing news of the "parental PDA." Wallace says he had to share, as he couldn't be the only one with that image burned in his brain. Sounds like the experience of recapping Charmed. Veronica's phone rings, and the caller has news of the dog in the doctored flyer. She makes plans to have "her brother" meet the caller at the Dog Beach at 3PM. At Wallace's query, she clarifies that she meant "brother" in the sense of a little gesture she performs that looks a lot like "my broth-ah!" Hey, she's the one that made the little gesture, and Wallace agrees with me. He asks where she's going to get a thousand bucks. "If you rollin' like that, you really been holdin' out on a broth-ah." See! I got it right!
Dog Beach, which, from this angle, is the same place Veronica met up with "Karl" in "The Wrath Of Con." It's even more aptly named than I thought. Wallace waits anxiously, holding an envelope, and a white van pulls up nearby and a Hispanic dude gets out with the little dog in question. Wallace greets the dog enthusiastically, and asks the dude where he found him, but the dude is all, "No hablo ingles." Convenient, that. They make the trade, but when the dude starts to head back to the van, he hears barking, and Backup 2.0 comes bounding toward him. The guy may not speak English, but he understands this well enough. Also, it looks like the show found a trainer who knows what he's doing, as Backup 2.0 jumps on the guy and growls as the guy tries valiantly not to make mierda in his pantalones. Veronica appears and tries to calm the guy down as Backup 2.0 rips off his shoe. Hee. If you look closely, you can see Veronica sneak Wallace's envelope out of his jacket. Eventually, she gets Backup 2.0's leash back on, and apologizes to the guy, who mutters in Spanish about the crazy dog. He runs away, carrying his shoe. Hee, again. But the van seems no longer to be there, which is something of a clue. VMVO lets us know that she's tagged the guy…
…and we cut to her tracking him, as she notes that he's walking. She drives off to follow…
…and pulls into the parking lot of a warehouse-sized hardware store. She sees Solamente Un Zapato telling a couple cronies what happened. He then walks off, and Veronica gets Backup 2.0 and follows. When she rounds a corner, Solamente Un Zapato sees her and goes ballistic, which isn't so great for her, as there are well more than a dozen of his friends around. He yells in Spanish about his money as everyone crowds around. VMVO: "Oh, crap." And nary a growl from Backup 2.0. I spoke too soon before -- that trainer is so fired.
Solamente Un Zapato keeps demanding the money, but Veronica counters that he stole the dog. The guy understands that, and I'm going to assume that that's not any sort of social commentary. But I will note that Veronica's Spanish isn't quite as good as we were led to believe, which is fine. Everyone keeps babbling until VMVO tells us that it's time for the international language of…and she sounds an air horn. Hee. Veronica gets down to brass tacks, asking who stole the dog, and Solamente Un Zapato tells her that it was el hombre de los perros, or "the dog man." Thanks for clearing that up, compadre. The Dog Man drives a white van and pays the guys to return dogs, but they don't know his name. A couple guys give graphic descriptions using charades that the Dog Man likes humping busty women. At least I hope they're women -- if something more deviant got lost in translation, maybe language barriers aren't the worst thing. Veronica leaves. Hey, what about the dinero?
Wallace goes to return the little dog he got from Solamente Un Zapato. He rings the (clearly 09er) doorbell as he hopes aloud that the owner is "hot, grateful, single." I'd be interested to see what he'd do if Brad Pitt opened the door. Actually, it's not that hard: He'd do him. Who wouldn't? Anyway, the woman is late-middle-aged, and probably not hot to the tune he was hoping, but is very grateful. Go for it, Wallace. It's been fifteen episodes since Kyla Pratt guest starred.
School. In the parking lot, Veronica notices a white van, and what's more, it's got an ornament hanging from it of a busty female. Veronica looks inside…
…and later, Hans enters to find Veronica in the back. I wonder if her reputation can overcome her marked lack of a boob job. Veronica accuses him of kidnapping 09er dogs, holding them at the pound, and returning them for a big reward. Also, since he realized Mandy isn't rich, he cut his losses and got rid of Chester. The logic seems slightly flawed there -- why go to the trouble of killing the dog when you could get something for him, even if it's not much? Hans makes a 101 Dalmatians joke that's not even close to being worth repeating, and orders Veronica out, but not before she determines that he's eighteen. She's pleased as punch to reiterate, "Community soap." Hans looks like he might have seen an episode or two of Oz himself, if the terrified look on his face is any indication.
Veronica climbs out of the van to find Weevil in the parking lot. She's happy to see him, and he sort of thanks her and calls her "V," but says he is what he is. "Leopards, spots, you know what they say." Well, I know what I say about the Echollses' leopard couch, but that's probably not what he's talking about. He walks off, and Veronica watches him pensively.
Mars Investigations. Logan enters and tells her he needs her help. She asks if it would be weird to start her own drinking game. "Like I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?" I think the clients should have to do the shots, which would be pretty amusing. I can't even imagine what Mandy would do to her hair after a few shots of Southern Comfort. Logan says he needs her to track down Trina's boyfriend, as he beat Trina up. "I plan on returning the favor." Well, there are other things he did to Trina, too, but I guess we can just start with the violence. Logan tells her his name is Dylan, and tosses down the script he's producing. Veronica: "Easy."
Cut to Trina. Meta commentary? She's trying to cover up her black eye with makeup. Haaron finds her, and after some small talk, he asks if she's okay. She says it's boyfriend stuff, and it's no big deal. He says that she can talk to him, so she tells him that she got Dylan's hopes up about Haaron doing the movie, and now the financing is in trouble. This isn't the same story she told Logan, but it's the more believable one, considering that she had access to Lynn's credit card until fairly recently. Haaron tells her she has to come to him before making promises like that, but Trina tries to spin it that she just cares about him, and it's a "career-defining moment" he's passing up. Haaron considers that, and says he'd better hear about it, then, so Trina should have Dylan come by later. Trina hugs Haaron and runs off. I mean this in all seriousness -- props to Harry Hamlin there. He seemed so supportive, and yet -- especially since he didn't ask any direct questions about the ragingly obvious black eye -- he came off as just the slightest bit, well, off, and it's just the right amount of underground menace to foreshadow the scene to come. Which I will be giggling through, in case I seem a little incoherent.
Mars Investigations. Logan waits as Veronica makes a phone call, pretending to be a film distributor. She gets Dylan's last name as Logan looks on adoringly. Personally, I think this is about the least impressive thing Veronica's done on a case we've seen. I mean, getting your name out there in Hollywood is what the game is all about, particularly if you're a no-talent hack. And if Logan thinks Trina's good at blowing smoke up people's asses from a distance, he should bend over in the direction of Studio City. Veronica plugs Dylan's name into her crime search engine and tells Logan that two women have filed restraining orders against Dylan in the last five years. Logan calls Haaron and asks for Trina, but she's in the shower. As he preps vegetables, Haaron tells Logan that Dylan is coming over to pitch him a part in his movie. Logan snarks about Haaron's commitment to his family, but Haaron sharply tells him that Trina is family, and he's helping her out. "It's what dads do." He hangs up before Logan can tell him about Dylan. Logan, when you want to keep people on the phone, you have to be polite. It's the opposite of the telemarketer rule. Logan tells Veronica that Dylan's on his way to Echolls Manor. "My dad's cooking for him." You can make your own "knuckle sandwich" joke during the last commercial break.
Out by the Echollses' pool, Haaron is barbecuing when Trina appears and presents Dylan to him. Just in time -- the grill's nice and hot. Dylan is just the right level of smarmy as he says what a pleasure it is, and Haaron tells him to call him "Aaron." Hmm. I guess he thinks the "H" is silent. I'd correct him, but knowing what's about to come, maybe I'll just let him have his delusions. Haaron holds out a piece of meat on a knife that would make our ancient weapon collector from last week get a little excited, and asks Dylan to taste it. Dylan then launches into a description of Haaron's character in the movie, which boils down to a junkie hitman who uses drugs to "escape the pain." It's amusing when a one-sentence description is derivative of, like, a dozen different things. Haaron starts to muse that the description sounds like his dad. I wonder if that means he's going make some sort of rights stink here, but that's not where he's going with this. Haaron cleans the barbecue knife as he goes on that his dad used to beat him and his mom, and then drink the demons away. Dylan cluelessly agrees that the character is a lot like that, which isn't surprising, because if he were any good at catching snaps, he would have gotten out of this business a long time ago. Haaron puts his arm around Dylan as he says that his mom would wear dark glasses around the house and would conceal her injuries with makeup, so in case the vibe he was giving off was too subtle before (and I'm not actually saying that sarcastically) we now know that he's well aware of what happened to Trina, even if Dylan still hasn't caught on. Haaron says one time he tried to stop his dad, but he was just a scrawny kid, and his dad put a cigarette out on his hand for his trouble. He opens his palm to show Dylan…and then grabs his face as "That's Amore" by Dean Martin kicks up. I can't even tell you how hilarious this is. I'm giggling as Haaron proceeds to beat the tar out of this punk. Some people on the boards pointed out that the song killed any dramatic tension of the scene, and I agree, but that's the whole point, as the scene is clearly being played for laughs, and it's only the music that can provide the requisite ironic touch. It's sort of a light version of when "Stuck In The Middle With You" played as Michael Madsen cut the cop's ear off in Reservoir Dogs. In this case, there's no lasting damage, and there's a strong case for the person getting it deserving it, even if the person meting out the punishment is a rich-kid-beating douchebag who actually thinks that Siddhartha was written for him. And sure, there's a lot to think about after this scene -- Haaron comes off as scarier, now, but his motivations are clearer. Logan, by association, also comes off as scarier than before, in the "I learn from my abuser" sense. And Trina, after making fun of Logan for his "Big Bad Wolf" stories of abuse, will certainly have to reconsider her position there. So yeah, there's a lot to ponder. Once you stop giggling.
Trina wails ineffectively as Haaron hits Dylan with his feet, his fists, a tiki torch, a garbage can, a wicker chair, and finally his belt. The kitchen sink was too long a walk. Plus, that might have caused brain damage, to the extent that that's possible with Dylan. At the belt, Logan and Veronica appear on the scene, and Haaron asks Logan how school was. Hee hee hee. Some people on the boards thought that was a reference to when Vernita Green's kid comes home while her mother is engaged in a fight with The Bride in Kill Bill: Volume 1. Given that I just referenced Tarantino in my music-choice analogy, I have to agree that's possible. Haaron says he's going to pass on the part, and asks Logan to see Dylan to his car. Logan evenly agrees in a very partner-in-crime way. Man, this family is fucked up. And Dylan's going to drive, when I bet he can't even see? I wonder if you can get arrested for "driving under the influence of a massive smackdown." The song winds up as Veronica tries to convince herself this isn't the most fucked-up scene she's ever witnessed…
…and we cut to Dylan's car pulling out of the driveway, as Logan snarks, "Father knows best," but there's no sting behind the words, and I think he's proud of his dad for the first time. Man, this family is psycho. Give them a spinoff. Logan somewhat hesitantly asks if Veronica thinks Lilly loved Weevil. Veronica confesses that Lilly never actually told her anything about that, but notes that Logan is handling that revelation better than she thought. Go ahead and make your own "that's not all he's handling" joke here, if you want, but by the time you do, he'll have beaten you to the punch. Logan says that he loved Lilly, but Lilly loved guys. What's more, her parents worshipped Duncan and only tolerated her, so she tried to piss them off at every turn, and Weevil must have been an excellent way to do that. Rather sober analysis from a guy who's regretting not selling tickets to his father beating the crap out of his sister's boyfriend. Veronica earnestly says that she knows Lilly loved him. Logan says not like he loved her, but that's okay, as he's now off the hook…to move on. They make out again, and yeah, it's hot. At one point they laugh and break apart for a second as Veronica asks what they're doing. Honey, just based on your reputation at Neptune, you should know. Logan breathes that he has no idea, but being unable to define it doesn't stop them from continuing to do it. They break apart again, and Veronica says they should talk about what they're doing at some point, but should keep it to themselves in the meantime. Logan says something about passing secret notes, and Veronica's face falls a little as something clicks in the back of her mind. Nice. Logan touches his forehead to Veronica's and says he'll drive her home "on the back streets." Aw, that's sweet. But actually, they should drive to the desert, because that's the only way no one will die from the fallout when this relationship blows up.
Veronica gets into Logan's car and hears laughter. She looks into the back seat, and sees a flashback of her and Lilly. Lilly shows her a "spy pen" that she found in her cereal box. Veronica asks what a spy pen is. Honey, you've come a long way in a year and half. Lilly shows her that it's got a compartment in the cap that you can use to pass secret messages, which she plans to do to all her "lovahs." Veronica notes that that will be one busy pen. Hee. Back in the present, Logan asks Veronica if she's okay. She nods, apparently so confused by the events of the evening that she thinks a nod means "no."
Veronica finds Mandy in a library and says she's going to the pound that night, as Hans and the pound guys are running a dognapping ring, and she's going to prove it. Mandy asks if there's a chance Chester might still be there, but Veronica cautions her not to get her hopes up. She starts to say she'll understand if Mandy doesn't want to go, but Mandy's all, "I'm in." Veronica: "Great. Quick stop at the hairdresser's first? No? How about a fast hot oil, then? No? Man, what's it going to take?"
Deputy Leo's pouring coffee, and smiles when he sees Veronica walk in. Might want to wait until he puts the cup down, hon. Veronica tells him straight-up that she can't date him any more. He tries valiantly to keep his goofy smile, but can't. She tells him that she's a train wreck, and outlines her recent dating history. Well, sure, we've all been there. Some of us have a time share there. A year-round time share. But your history isn't really an excuse. I'm not judging her decision to be with Logan right now, and I give her credit for telling Leo to his face. If she's telling him this half-truth to spare his feelings somewhat, I can understand, but I hope she doesn't think that she doesn't deserve him or that he's boring just because she's dated some idiots. Of course, if the real reason she's dumping him is the fact that he talks like he's holding a jarful of cotton balls in his mouth, maybe a white lie is in order. She starts to tell him how sweet he is, and if that isn't the most emasculating thing a guy can hear in this situation, it's surely in the top ten. She goes on that he's hot, and won't be single for long, and she cares about him, and blah blah blah someday-we'll-look-back-on-this-and-laugh-except-not-really-cakes. After a bit more of the awkward, Veronica tells Leo she has to ask him for a favor. Leo chuckles, for once wishing Officer Fuckface were around so he could protect him from this tiny blonde siren.
We cut to the pound, where Leo is knocking on the door in official capacity with Veronica at his side. Given the dog-themed favor, I guess Veronica knew Leo couldn't resist a call to help his brethren. He's very well trained, you know. The lights come on, and Desk Guy opens the door. As Veronica, Mandy, and Wallace file in, Leo orders Desk Guy to take them to the back. As the group passes a bunch of caged dogs, Wallace breaks off from the group to position himself in front of a door with a "KEEP OUT" sign on it. Desk Guy lamely tries to tell them that that's where they keep dogs with contagious diseases. Such as indigence. Fortunately, this crowd has already caught that particular strain, and Leo orders him to open the door. Inside, they don't find Chester, but they do come across several dogs that match the posters that Veronica took from Dog Beach. Mandy, distraught, leaves the room as Leo cuffs Desk Guy, who protests that Leo can't prove he had anything to do with the dognapping. Leo begs him to resist arrest. Yeah, Desk Guy, his girlfriend dumped him and called him sweet. You might want to go quietly. Suddenly, the group hears Mandy screaming, and Veronica and Wallace rush out of the room. They find Hans writhing on the ground as Mandy zaps him in the neck with a stun gun. I wish we'd seen the beginning of that scene. "Oh Mandy! You came and you DZZZZZZAAAAUUUUUGH!" Mandy rather psychotically is all, "You killed my dog!" and it's just a shame that Chester's name isn't "Precious." Veronica pulls Mandy away as Wallace grins. C'mon, you knew he was a sucker for a girl with a taser. And did Veronica lend that to Mandy, or did she get her own? Because if it's the latter, I think she took Veronica's little speech about respect a little too much to heart. I mean, couldn't she have started by rocking out to a little Aretha Franklin? But maybe it's for the best, as Hans gives up that Chester isn't dead -- he just sold him. Oh, Hans. Still think Veronica Mars is the coolest girl in school? You do, huh? That's kind of what I thought.
Leo puts Hans in a squad car, and then goes over to Veronica, who thanks him, and then wonders if she can ask him a weird question. Leo: "Do you ask any other kind of questions?" Veronica asks if Leo's sure that Weevil had a pen on him when he was arrested, and Leo says yes, and what's more, it was a pretty girly one. "So much for your bad boy." He leaves, as Veronica ponders her information.
And oh, dear. Keith is taking hair samples from Veronica's hairbrush and putting them into a test tube. Cut to him pulling out one of his own hairs. Wow, he must really want to know if he's Veronica's dad if he's willing to spare one of the few good follicles he's got left. He puts the samples into a FedEx-type box, which is addressed to some testing agency. Just then, Veronica gets home, and Keith hides the box. Veronica gets right to it: Keith knew Weevil stalked Lilly and questioned him, so why did he get dropped as a suspect? Keith says they searched him and his home and did DNA tests, and there was no evidence. Also, he had an airtight alibi. He gets a box down from his shelf, and Veronica incredulously notes that all this time, he had a Lilly Kane murder file in a box marked "Playboys." Hee. Keith says that it's just the closed files, which he terms the "non-essential stuff." The essential stuff is marked "Barely Legal." Keith says that Weevil was on community service at the time of the murder, but Veronica points out that it doesn't clear him for the true time of Lilly's death. Keith thinks the Kanes wouldn't have covered up for Weevil. Well, no, probably not. And yet, Veronica doesn't look convinced. Time to get it in high gear, girlie.
Veronica and Mandy are in a nice neighborhood. Mandy rings a doorbell, and when the door opens, Chester runs out. Aw. Why not celebrate with a nice trip to the salon? Hey, I had to give it one more shot.
Veronica confronts Weevil about the pen. Weevil hands it over, and Veronica asks if there were any messages inside -- from him, perhaps. Weevil coldly replies, "Now if I told you, it wouldn't really be a secret message pen. Would it?" Here's something that's not too big a secret: Weevil can be just as much of a bitch as everyone else on this show. As this revelation dawns on her, we close in on Veronica's shocked expression, and then go to closing credits.
time: Mac is back. It looks like Veronica and Weevil are okay again. Veronica and Logan get hotter and heavier. And Wiedman orders Alicia to stop seeing Keith. I've got to eat a healthy diet for the three weeks, so I don't risk a cardiac event.