Couch Baron
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We pick up where we left off, in the parking lot outside the prison. Veronica looks up from sobbing, and VMVO goes hard-ass: "So Jake Kane is your father. Deal with it, Veronica." Yes, deal with the fact that your real dad is one of the richest men on the West Coast. Perhaps your therapy can include your own pony and a ride in the space shuttle.
Cut to Veronica driving on the highway, as VMVO wonders if her dad knows, and if that might be why he went after Jake so obsessively. Then: "Oh, God. Does this mean...is Duncan my..."
Cut to Veronica hurling out the door of her shouldered car. Hee. Although for me, that answers the question of whether they slept together with a resounding "no." If they had, her steering wheel would be pretty sticky right about now. Driving again, Veronica wonders if the photos of her in the gun sights were how Jake stuck it to her dad. I'm not clear that Keith ever saw those, but maybe she means that Jake threatened Lianne with the photos and thereby got her to leave Keith. Veronica goes on to say that if that's what Jake did, Veronica's taking him down. Geez, Veronica. Wasn't Duncan enough? Oh, speaking of which, if Jake really were Veronica's father, would he really have allowed Duncan and Veronica to date? I mean, I know we don't know a lot about Jake's moral compass, but...there's evil, and then there's just plain gross.
Veronica's taking a close look at the pictures. She notes that one of them was taken in a part of town that she only went to because her mom insisted that she see a counselor after Lilly died. The counselor's name was "Doctor Dave," which, given that CBS owns UPN, has to be a shout-out to Doctor Dan on Joan of Arcadia. And from Veronica's attitude, it sounds like this guy was about as useful to her as Dan was to Joan. I mean, anyone who tells you that you shouldn't be seeing Cute Guy God is no one you need in your life. Anyway, Veronica knows she saw the counselor on Thursdays, and when she sees another photo of her at school in front of a banner that says, "Book Week," she's got enough information to...
...rush into school and ask "Miss Murphy," her English teacher, when Book Week was. First week in February. Working fast, Veronica figures out that the person who photographed her at school had to be sitting at a particular table at a nearby restaurant. She examines her check, which is just for an iced tea (for a dollar! Are we back in Tijuana?). Sure that she's right, she asks a server whether they still have the receipts from February, as she claims to think she's being stalked. Oh, come on, the forum posters love you! Veronica produces the pictures to back up her claim, and the woman is sympathetic. Well, it's not that I wouldn't be sympathetic too, but I'd also wonder why she's coming around with these questions in November when the photos were taken in February. She's not going to be outrunning any bullets at that speed.
“ I was wondering what the producers were paying Poitier for, anyway. And I was referring specifically to all the episodes she hasn't been in, but you could certainly be forgiven for thinking otherwise. ”
Sometime later, Veronica has the receipt she wants, belonging to a "Clarence Wiedman, Jr." Man, some names just shouldn't be passed on from generation to generation. Of course, neither should some DNA. I think if more people paid attention to that second problem, the first one would take care of itself. Anyway, Veronica's watching the watcherman, who's dressed in a black hat and overcoat and carrying a black briefcase. The addition of a pitchfork to the ensemble would be a refreshing note of subtlety.
Sometime even later, Veronica observes the guy get out of his car. It's raining, which means one of two things. Either this is a cheap trick designed to give him an excuse to shield his face from the audience with an umbrella, or Veronica's followed the guy to Oregon. Oh, all right, once in a while it does actually rain in SoCal, but not nearly often enough. I have never, for example, seen an Oscars red carpet pre-show be interrupted by rain. Which is a damn shame, because tell me it wouldn't be awesome to see Joan Rivers melt. Veronica sees that, surprise surprise, Wiedman is entering Kane Software. She calls the company, and determines that Wiedman is the head of security at Kane. The head of security who apparently doesn't know how not to leave a paper trail. time, hit the ATM before you start stalking, dickhead. VMVO: "And there it is. I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away. So if Jake Kane is my biological father, that information is gonna be worth millions. And after what that family has done to mine, I intend to collect." Hee. Don't forget to buy the house to Logan's -- might as well bug the shit out of two birds with one stone.
Hey, remember the first season of Melrose Place, when Amy Locane left after a handful of episodes (and nice career move there, hon), and they totally had to do a hatchet job to the opening credits, especially with that long shot of all eight of them together? Well, they changed the credits here, too. Only it's not really like Melrose, in that the new shots are cute ones of Kristen Bell, whom everyone loves, instead of stupid ones of no-talent hack Daphne Zuniga. Hey, didn't she head out to Yugoslavia just a few years before the Balkans exploded? Maybe things happen for a reason. Anyway, Sydney Tamiia Poitier isn't in the credits anymore, although I hear from the forum posters that we haven't seen the last of her. Well, I was wondering what the producers were paying Poitier for, anyway. And I was referring specifically to all the episodes she hasn't been in, but you could certainly be forgiven for thinking otherwise.
“ VMVO: 'I need to know, without a doubt, who my father is.' You're not the only one, if the collective ire of the forums is any indication. ”
...but we don't get to hear it, as we cut to the parents leaving. Veronica is at her desk with some paraphernalia strewn across it. She gives Keith a cock-and-bull story about having to take a self-administered HIV test, and adds that she's feeling a little squeamish. Keith: "This is so endearing. My bad-ass, action-figure daughter is afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood." I'd watch it there, Keith. Even if you buy that Veronica's got a problem with her own blood, it doesn't necessarily follow that she's got a problem with anyone else's. Veronica continues to lay it on, and gets Keith to give her some of his blood as a proxy for hers. Pretty sneaky, Sis. Said Duncan. Keith tells Veronica that those were Casey Gant's parents in his office, and asks if Veronica knows Casey. Veronica says she does, but that he's just a typical asshole 09er. Um, are you telling me that everyone in school wouldn't know after six weeks that an 09er kid had joined a cult? Especially Veronica, who works for the newspaper and is a detective? Someone should check the soil that's feeding the Neptune High grapevine, because I think it's got high levels of contrivance. Veronica's amused that Casey joined a cult, and Keith tells her that since he's eighteen, the law can't do anything, but that if he and Veronica get Casey back to his parents, they're offering a $5,000 bonus. Given the money we later learn Casey's coming into, that's pretty fucking low. There's not wanting to look suspicious by offering too much, and then there's just being a tight-ass. Nevertheless, the news about the bonus gets the Marses both excited. I'm glad the waterbed is nowhere nearby.
Keith tells Veronica that the Gants are paying them to find proof of any illegal activity in Cultyland. Since Casey is still going to school, Keith wants Veronica to see if she can find anything out, but under no circumstances is she to go to the compound. To make sure she understands he really means it, Keith asks, "Nous comprenons-nous?" Because if there's any way to make yourself taken seriously in today's world, it's to bust out the French. When Keith goes into his office, VMVO confesses that the story she told Keith about the HIV test was bullshit. Considering that it involved getting extra credit in Health class, I don't think we needed VMVO's help with that one. Anyway, she's sending the sample to an online company that does paternity testing. I'm not too sanguine about a company being allowed to give test results of blood they didn't draw, nor do I think that notifying people by mail of this stuff is a good idea, for much the same reason doctors don't give HIV results by mail or even over the phone, in my experience. Not everyone is going to have the shock of learning the man who raised her isn't her father cushioned by the fact that her real dad could buy, say, Hawaii. VMVO: "I need to know, without a doubt, who my father is." You're not the only one, if the collective ire of the forums is any indication.
Veronica sees Duncan at school, and despite his friendly greeting, walks away without a word. You know the new drill: Un! Comfortable! Duncan looks discomfited, but given the way he dumped Veronica, he might just consider that the coming around of something that went around about a year ago. Some orbits are wider than others.
“ Casey's ex- girlfriend from the flashback is telling Veronica that she doesn't know what happened with Casey. She gives a long rendition of what he told her which could be summed up in five quick words: 'I am now a pinko.' ”
A bunch of kids are playing hacky-sack. Well, if that's the cult activity, I can see why Casey's parents are concerned. Because after hacky-sack, can Ultimate Frisbee be far behind? Veronica and Wallace observe, and Veronica points out Casey, who's quite cute, actually. He's played by Jonathan Bennett from Mean Girls, and I'm surprised that they resisted the temptation to write Lilly into this episode so that Bennett and Amanda Seyfried could have a bitchy little reunion. Wallace opines that Casey looks normal. Veronica: "Not if you knew him before."
And, back from a week's break, a blue-themed flashback! With Weevil, also after a week's break! Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And if you need further prod of that, wait and see the reaction when Logan comes back after two episodes off. Anyway, Weevil is dressed far more conservatively than he is in the present, and it occurs to me that this is the first time we've seen him in flashback, if I'm not mistaken. I guess that's not surprising, since we barely ever see him at all. (Yes, that was a hint.) My original point, however, is that I'll be interested to see what he was like when he was doing whatever it was he was doing with Lilly. And also to find out what that whatever-it-was was. Can this show be confusing, or is it me? Both, you say? That's what I thought. Sigh. Anyway, Weevil's reading something in front of a class full of students, who are all perched on pillows. If I wanted my kids to pay attention, I wouldn't be making it easier for them to fall asleep. Duncan's mildly caressing Veronica, and Casey is lying with some girl. Weevil's reading something about prisoners on death row that sounds like a poem. The teacher, a young blonde, is impressed, until Casey calls Weevil out for passing off a Social Distortion song as his original poetry. Funnily enough, I didn't know that, even though I wore out the copies of the two Social D albums I had in college. And yes, CDs had been invented by the time I was twenty. You wisenheimers, you. The song in question is "When The Angels Sing," by the way. Casey's smug, but Veronica's chagrined. Back in the present, Veronica realizes that there's someone she should talk to...
...and we cut to the bathroom. Thankfully, they've dropped the practice of having Veronica clear everyone else out. Casey's ex-girlfriend from the flashback is telling Veronica that she doesn't know what happened with Casey. She gives a long rendition of what he told her which could be summed up in five quick words: "I am now a pinko." Anyway, she dumped Casey. You know, this girl is clearly an 09er -- does it make sense that she'd be talking so freely to Veronica? I mean, the 09ers as a group typically act like Veronica's dropping fingers and toes right and left. And this girl doesn't really seem like the Saint Blonde type, even beyond the fact that she's a brunette. Anyway, the ex lets it spill that she thinks Casey and the blonde teacher, "Miss Mills," are involved. Yeah, that way. The waterbed way. She adds that Casey even joined the literary magazine, which is amazing to contemplate, given that "he used to think CliffsNotes were for the intellectual posers." I know what she's trying to say, but...in a way, they are.
“ Some male teacher tells the class to break into groups of four and compare notes. The assignment was 'editorial content analysis,' which sounds like the purview of Miss Dent. Who? Right. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. ”
Veronica's on the waterbed as VMVO muses how she can get in tight with the lit mag crowd. She decides to write some crappy pretentious poetry. Hee.
Veronica in the shower. She yelps and jumps back from the flow. Given that the curtain is somewhat see-through, here's my impression of the straight male posters watching that scene: Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. (Tm Demian, of course. Thanks, D.!)
Cut to Veronica coming out in a bathrobe and complaining about the hot water problem, which apparently has been going on for five months. I don't buy that Keith would have put up with the landlord's excuses that long, but if he hadn't, he wouldn't get to suggest longingly that they make sure they get the five grand bonus. With great contrivance comes great filler.
Class. Some male teacher tells the class to break into groups of four and compare notes. The assignment was "editorial content analysis," which sounds like the purview of Miss Dent. Who? Right. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. The teacher, by the way, has even worse hair than Ephram's new 'do on Everwood. As Sars said at brunch today: "There's just no reason for guys to part their hair in the middle." Anyway, all of this is an excuse for everyone else to break into groups of four and leave Veronica out. They hate you, they hate you not. They hate you, they hate you not. Yeah, that could get boring real fast.
Miss Mills catches Veronica in the hall and brings up the poem she submitted, entitled "I Cut Because I Can." Hee. Miss Mills wastes no time in pinning a flower on Veronica and reciting the Hare Krishna chant. Well, not really, but that's what we're meant to take from her reaction, I think. She offers to take Veronica to Cult Central that afternoon. Veronica pauses to consider just how great an ass-kicking Keith will give her if she disobeys him. Deciding that she's still young and cute enough to sell the "I'm sorry, Daddy" line, she accepts. Well, at least Keith doesn't have to worry about Veronica selling her expensive car. In fact, I'm guessing Miss Mills hasn't seen what Veronica drives, or she would have been all, "Yeah, cult? Not so much for you!" Glad that didn't happen. Veronica's got enough social problems without being rejected by hippies.
“ Casey: 'But now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that you'd wind up here sooner or later.' Hee. It's funny when super- friendly people are unintentionally bitchy. ”
Cult Central. Veronica and Miss Mills arrive, having taken separate cars. Well, at least Veronica can tell her dad that. She may have trouble getting the words out with his hands around her neck, of course, but it'll be worth a try. Miss Mills tells Veronica to feel free to look around at some point, but to stay out of the barn. VMVO scoffs at this warning. No better way to shut it up than with a helping of crow. They meet the head of the cult, who hikes his tongue down Miss Mills's throat, and shows no signs of coming up for air as the camera swirls around him. Veronica's face: Un! Comfortable! Miss Mills introduces Veronica to "Josh," who pulls her into a hug as off-camera, Miss Mills takes the opportunity to reapply her Blistex. She goes through that stuff even faster than she goes through impressionable youths. Josh, incidentally, is Greg from Felicity. If there's a lesson there, it's that it's a lot easier to score some action when you're not in direct competition with Scott Speedman. As the Un! Comfortable! hug continues, VMVO muses, "I knew I should have include a few discreet lesbian overtones in that poem." Hee! Although that might have led to a whole different problem, if you take my meaning. Casey appears, and greets Veronica happily, saying that he heard she was coming, but that he had to see it to believe it: "But now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that you'd wind up here sooner or later." Hee. It's funny when super-friendly people are unintentionally bitchy. Casey tells Veronica he'll see her later as Greg completely gratuitously sucks face with Miss Mills again before heading off to nail the in his series of concubines. Anyone think the commune's secret product is a home-grown version of Viagra? Anyway, Miss Mills shows Veronica the commune's wonderful ways. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to buy the world a Coke, and I really can't afford a big credit-card payment at the moment. Veronica agrees to pitch in while chatting with a young girl, who just happens to be black, named "Rain." Also, we hear from the head chef of the place, who tells us, "The secret ingredient's love." I gotta tell you, if someone told me that the secret ingredient in something I just ate was love, I'd be the one hurling at the side of the road. If you're unclear what I mean, go rent Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle. Funniest movie I saw this year. Rain tells Veronica she's got a fun job for her.
Cut to Rain showing Veronica how to milk a cow. Demonstrating the proper hand technique, she says, "It's pretty easy once you get the rhythm down." Yeah, you know how I said it's funny when super-friendly people are unintentionally bitchy? It's even funnier when they're unintentionally dirty. Anyway, Veronica tries her hand (hee), and then turns the focus of the pumping to information. She tests Rain on the subjects of the barn and Greg, and comes up empty, but then gets her to spill that the product they're growing is "the ultimate cash crop." VMVO: "Yahtzee." VMVO, don't make me come over there.
“ Casey tells Veronica that he's happy she's there: 'For no reason that I can see, you've been a real friend to me lately.' Well, I'm not casting any aspersions on Veronica's character, but if you're looking for reasons why people would want to be your friend now, I can list about eighty million of them. ”
Veronica goes in to see Miss Mills, who's really sort of reminding me of Julie Benz, at least in the looks department. Vamp out, Miss Mills! Vamp out! Veronica starts to confess what she's done, but is interrupted by the appearance of a tear-streaked Casey, who informs them that he is now, not to put too fine a point on it, stinking fucking rich. Well, I'd hate to see his face if she'd left him with nothing, then. Miss Mills gives Casey a hug, and Veronica looks like she wants to as well. Go for it, Veronica! When was the last time you had an excuse to grab a guy's lats? Well, besides Greg's, that is.
Cemetery. Casey, Greg, and Miss Mills are walking away from the grave when Veronica catches them. She confesses she told her dad about Rain. Greg says something that I couldn't really understand even on multiple viewings, but the gist is that they're one step ahead of the law on this one, so everyone in the area is going to be lousy with poinsettias come Christmas. After inviting Veronica to stop by the commune later, he leads Miss Mills away, and Veronica takes Casey's arm, which is a subtle and sweet move. I like seeing Veronica show some physical affection. Casey tells Veronica that he's happy she's there: "For no reason that I can see, you've been a real friend to me lately." Well, I'm not casting any aspersions on Veronica's character, but if you're looking for reasons why people would want to be your friend now, I can list about eighty million of them. Veronica wonders how Casey can be so generous after what she told him about her original reason for visiting the commune, but he counters that he doesn't think she was faking the kindness: "Am I wrong?" Veronica smiles shyly. Aww. Casey opens Veronica's car door, and says he has to go talk to his parents. Veronica sits and looks happy, and then observes Casey heading toward his parents through her rear-view mirror. Oh, Veronica, that was a mistake. The rear-view mirror never gives good news. It's all speeding tickets and broken dreams. Sure enough, she sees a couple of goons grab Casey and manhandle him into a limo as his parents observe. HDE gets in after him. Veronica gets out of the car and runs over yelling for them to stop, but her pleas are ineffectual as Casey's parents beat a quick retreat. Well, I hope when they told HDE to get all those lovely communal thoughts out of Casey's head, they thought to remind him to make sure Casey doesn't hate their fucking guts at the end of it. Because if not, their stinking-rich son could arrange to send them to join Grandmonster in the family plot right frickin' quick.
Veronica bustles into Mars Investigations and tells Keith what she saw. He gently tells her that he doesn't doubt her interpretation, but that if his sheriff's training tells him anything, it's that there's nothing the law can do, at least not for a couple days, so they need to hold off and see what happens. Veronica despairingly says she wishes they hadn't turned over the information about the collective. Is she saying that because she doesn't want Casey's parents' money? Keith tells her, however, that he didn't, because he thought about what she said, and all the things he heard on the wiretap. I so want to hear someone start singing "Listen To What The Flower People Say." Preferably Christopher Guest. On top of Keith's turnaround, he also checked up on Rain, and discovered that she's been in four foster homes since she was eight, and that there were reports of serious abuse in at least two. And this is why this A-plot worked for me, despite being light on action: I found it a convincing demonstration of the fact that Keith and Veronica constantly have to invent their own moral and ethical code, and that they're stronger when they work together. In addition, Veronica openly disagreed with her dad, convinced him to change his viewpoint, and was correct in doing so, which makes them closer as a team. All this isn't to say that I won't be bored if the most exciting thing in week's A-plot is a horse that somehow got into the catnip. Veronica smiles at her dad through glistening eyes. Aww, again.
School. Veronica gets out of her car as VMVO tells us that with each passing day, she comes more to terms with the question of her paternity. I think the forum posters would like you to come to terms with the answer of your paternity, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Veronica grabs a flyer off her car, which I really think she would have noticed when she got in to go to school, and puts it on the SUV to hers, inside which is sitting Duncan. He gets out and looks at it, seeing that it offers a free dish with the "happy family" (okay, hee) dinner at "Wok-n-Roll." Nothing says "I love you, but not like THAT, ew" like crab Rangoon. Duncan smilingly thanks Veronica, and walks off. The action around Veronica speeds up as VMVO tells us that she sent off for the test results because she wanted the truth: "But can a lab tech really see the shape of my soul in a drunken conga line of genes?" Probably not -- I can't even see it through that metaphor. VMVO wonders, even if Jake Kane is her father, would she really claim him as such, and deny the man who raised her? Wallace interrupts her reverie, and the two of them see Casey peel into the lot in a new silver Porsche. Oh, dear. He swaggers out of the car and throws a "'Sup, Veronica," our heroine's way. I think you could read that bit as somewhat ambiguous -- if he were truly completely back to his asshole 09er ways, would he even acknowledge her at all? Veronica watches in consternation as Casey goes into the school.
Veronica arrives home, mail in hand. The test results are there.
Sometime much later, VMVO tells us that she can open the results and find out whether her dad's really her dad, or if she's an heiress. She enters Keith's bedroom, wherein he's asleep. She kneels down, and after a final moment of hesitation, runs the unopened envelope through the shredder, which wakes Keith up. He groggily asks her if it's necessary that she do that at that particular moment. She smiles and answers, "Yeah. As a matter of fact, it is." Fade out.
Well, a LOT of the posters took issue with that ending. It's not in character for her not to look at the results! She needs to know if Duncan is her brother! She needs to know whom her father is to understand better why her mom left! All valid points. But I think this situation is special. Once she finds out, she can't unlearn what she knows. The knowledge could change her life irrevocably, again, and as tough as she is, maybe she's simply not ready for that. Or maybe she feels that when she's ready, she'll look Keith in the eye and ask him, rather than doing it this way, which is a pretty deep violation of trust, regardless of whatever lies he's told her over the years. Also, from a dramatic standpoint, I think it might be better for the audience to find out when there's even more at stake -- after, perhaps, the whole "who raped Veronica" mystery is solved. What I'm saying is that I didn't have a problem with this ending. Let the hate mail begin!
week, a rerun. In two: Logan roasting over an open fire.