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So like, you guys? Remember when Sydney joined that cult on Melrose Place? And how the only way they could make her look unslutty by comparison was to cast Tracie Lords as her friend? Good times, those. Anyway, some 09er dickhead joined a cult, so his parents ask Keith to see if there's something illegal going on. Veronica infiltrates the cult, where, poignantly enough, she finds a lot more acceptance than she has in the last year at Neptune High. And in the end, the cult is actually benevolent, which possibly is more than we can say for the parents of the 09er kid. That story ends in a very satisfyingly ambivalent way. Now, in season-arc-land, we pick up at the beginning of the episode right where we left off in the last one, as Veronica steels herself to accept the fact that Jake might be her father. She does lose her lunch over the thought that Duncan might be her brother, but the mildness of the reaction probably indicates that Duncan never even rounded second with her. One hopes, anyway. Veronica quickly determines that the head of Kane Security was the one that was tailing her a year ago, so she resolves to make the Kane family pay for the hurt they've caused her by exposing her real parentage. She needs proof for that, though, so she gets a test to determine who her dad is once and for all. But in the end, she realizes Keith is all the dad she needs. Oh, and by the way, Sydney Tamiia Poitier gets the most unceremonious firing ever. Keep an eye out for her on Joan of Arcadia. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We pick up where we left off, in the parking lot outside the prison. Veronica looks up from sobbing, and VMVO goes hard-ass: "So Jake Kane is your father. Deal with it, Veronica." Yes, deal with the fact that your real dad is one of the richest men on the West Coast. Perhaps your therapy can include your own pony and a ride in the space shuttle.
Cut to Veronica driving on the highway, as VMVO wonders if her dad knows, and if that might be why he went after Jake so obsessively. Then: "Oh, God. Does this mean...is Duncan my..."
Cut to Veronica hurling out the door of her shouldered car. Hee. Although for me, that answers the question of whether they slept together with a resounding "no." If they had, her steering wheel would be pretty sticky right about now. Driving again, Veronica wonders if the photos of her in the gun sights were how Jake stuck it to her dad. I'm not clear that Keith ever saw those, but maybe she means that Jake threatened Lianne with the photos and thereby got her to leave Keith. Veronica goes on to say that if that's what Jake did, Veronica's taking him down. Geez, Veronica. Wasn't Duncan enough? Oh, speaking of which, if Jake really were Veronica's father, would he really have allowed Duncan and Veronica to date? I mean, I know we don't know a lot about Jake's moral compass, but...there's evil, and then there's just plain gross.
Veronica's taking a close look at the pictures. She notes that one of them was taken in a part of town that she only went to because her mom insisted that she see a counselor after Lilly died. The counselor's name was "Doctor Dave," which, given that CBS owns UPN, has to be a shout-out to Doctor Dan on Joan of Arcadia. And from Veronica's attitude, it sounds like this guy was about as useful to her as Dan was to Joan. I mean, anyone who tells you that you shouldn't be seeing Cute Guy God is no one you need in your life. Anyway, Veronica knows she saw the counselor on Thursdays, and when she sees another photo of her at school in front of a banner that says, "Book Week," she's got enough information to...
...rush into school and ask "Miss Murphy," her English teacher, when Book Week was. First week in February. Working fast, Veronica figures out that the person who photographed her at school had to be sitting at a particular table at a nearby restaurant. She examines her check, which is just for an iced tea (for a dollar! Are we back in Tijuana?). Sure that she's right, she asks a server whether they still have the receipts from February, as she claims to think she's being stalked. Oh, come on, the forum posters love you! Veronica produces the pictures to back up her claim, and the woman is sympathetic. Well, it's not that I wouldn't be sympathetic too, but I'd also wonder why she's coming around with these questions in November when the photos were taken in February. She's not going to be outrunning any bullets at that speed.
Sometime later, Veronica has the receipt she wants, belonging to a "Clarence Wiedman, Jr." Man, some names just shouldn't be passed on from generation to generation. Of course, neither should some DNA. I think if more people paid attention to that second problem, the first one would take care of itself. Anyway, Veronica's watching the watcherman, who's dressed in a black hat and overcoat and carrying a black briefcase. The addition of a pitchfork to the ensemble would be a refreshing note of subtlety.
Sometime even later, Veronica observes the guy get out of his car. It's raining, which means one of two things. Either this is a cheap trick designed to give him an excuse to shield his face from the audience with an umbrella, or Veronica's followed the guy to Oregon. Oh, all right, once in a while it does actually rain in SoCal, but not nearly often enough. I have never, for example, seen an Oscars red carpet pre-show be interrupted by rain. Which is a damn shame, because tell me it wouldn't be awesome to see Joan Rivers melt. Veronica sees that, surprise surprise, Wiedman is entering Kane Software. She calls the company, and determines that Wiedman is the head of security at Kane. The head of security who apparently doesn't know how not to leave a paper trail. time, hit the ATM before you start stalking, dickhead. VMVO: "And there it is. I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away. So if Jake Kane is my biological father, that information is gonna be worth millions. And after what that family has done to mine, I intend to collect." Hee. Don't forget to buy the house to Logan's -- might as well bug the shit out of two birds with one stone.
Hey, remember the first season of Melrose Place, when Amy Locane left after a handful of episodes (and nice career move there, hon), and they totally had to do a hatchet job to the opening credits, especially with that long shot of all eight of them together? Well, they changed the credits here, too. Only it's not really like Melrose, in that the new shots are cute ones of Kristen Bell, whom everyone loves, instead of stupid ones of no-talent hack Daphne Zuniga. Hey, didn't she head out to Yugoslavia just a few years before the Balkans exploded? Maybe things happen for a reason. Anyway, Sydney Tamiia Poitier isn't in the credits anymore, although I hear from the forum posters that we haven't seen the last of her. Well, I was wondering what the producers were paying Poitier for, anyway. And I was referring specifically to all the episodes she hasn't been in, but you could certainly be forgiven for thinking otherwise.
Veronica arrives home to find Keith with a nasty-looking cut under his eye. Keith blows off her concern by saying he collided with someone at home plate. That's an excuse that many of the forum posters found flimsy, and I have to agree. The people in this town wouldn't cross the street to spit on Keith. Okay, actually, they would, but that's a far cry from welcoming him into a softball league, even if the chewing tobacco makes for a far more satisfying spitting experience. Speaking of which, Keith is sort of hopped up in this scene, but whether it's on nicotine or excitement is for you to decide. He makes Veronica cover her eyes, and leads her into her bedroom and tosses her onto...a waterbed. Um, I really don't think anyone who hasn't completely taken leave of his or her senses could call me a prude, but a father getting this jacked about buying a bed for his sexually-active-age daughter, particularly a waterbed? Wing's awkward isn't quite right here. Instead, I have to turn to a Sars instant classic: Un! Comfortable! Anyway, Veronica's a bit bemused, because although she did want a waterbed when she was young, she "also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-Bots." DJ with the six, Veronica with the nine. Oh, I'm really, really sorry. That waterbed is just fucking me up here. Veronica notices that Keith must have gotten the thing at a yard sale, since he forgot to remove the $10 masking-tape price tag. Damn, I'd be pretty wary of bouncing that hard on a ten-dollar waterbed. Perhaps Keith is counting on Veronica to have the same reservations. Veronica thanks Keith, and says she's glad he didn't "blow [his] wad" on a whim gift. And again, "blow your wad" has a perfectly legitimate meaning and is used completely properly here, but still, mentioning it in the same sentence with your dad? Un! Comfortable! Anyway, Veronica pulls Keith into an embrace, and meaningfully tells him she loves him. Keith briefly wonders what secret Veronica might have figured out now but, having so many to choose from, decides not to bother thinking about it. They bid each other good night, and Veronica flops down on her new bed. I hope the Foley guys were a little overzealous there, because otherwise, that thing's too noisy to do anything on except take shallow breaths. Which, again, may be part of Keith's master plan.
Mars Investigations. Keith's sitting in his office with a man and woman. They're telling him how their son was perfectly well-adjusted and popular, got good grades, and wasn't into drugs. However, it seems that dear "Casey" up and joined a cult. Keith ventures that Casey's profile is actually fairly typical of kids who join cults, leading the father to respond, "I know what you're thinking. Spoiled rich boy, raised in the soulless lap of luxury. No material whim denied, no spiritual need met." Uh...was that a denial? I was thinking that the most likely profession for the father was "lawyer," but if that's any indication of his rebuttal skills, they certainly wouldn't be living in the 09 area. The mother says that, six weeks ago, Casey went to school, but never came home. He's living at the "Moon Calf Collective," and even sold his Porsche and gave the money to the cult. Well, selling the Porsche might not be an indication of a fundamental shift in core values. It could simply be the acquisition of something called "good taste." The father starts to say what he wants Keith to do, for which they'll pay handsomely...
...but we don't get to hear it, as we cut to the parents leaving. Veronica is at her desk with some paraphernalia strewn across it. She gives Keith a cock-and-bull story about having to take a self-administered HIV test, and adds that she's feeling a little squeamish. Keith: "This is so endearing. My bad-ass, action-figure daughter is afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood." I'd watch it there, Keith. Even if you buy that Veronica's got a problem with her own blood, it doesn't necessarily follow that she's got a problem with anyone else's. Veronica continues to lay it on, and gets Keith to give her some of his blood as a proxy for hers. Pretty sneaky, Sis. Said Duncan. Keith tells Veronica that those were Casey Gant's parents in his office, and asks if Veronica knows Casey. Veronica says she does, but that he's just a typical asshole 09er. Um, are you telling me that everyone in school wouldn't know after six weeks that an 09er kid had joined a cult? Especially Veronica, who works for the newspaper and is a detective? Someone should check the soil that's feeding the Neptune High grapevine, because I think it's got high levels of contrivance. Veronica's amused that Casey joined a cult, and Keith tells her that since he's eighteen, the law can't do anything, but that if he and Veronica get Casey back to his parents, they're offering a $5,000 bonus. Given the money we later learn Casey's coming into, that's pretty fucking low. There's not wanting to look suspicious by offering too much, and then there's just being a tight-ass. Nevertheless, the news about the bonus gets the Marses both excited. I'm glad the waterbed is nowhere nearby.
Keith tells Veronica that the Gants are paying them to find proof of any illegal activity in Cultyland. Since Casey is still going to school, Keith wants Veronica to see if she can find anything out, but under no circumstances is she to go to the compound. To make sure she understands he really means it, Keith asks, "Nous comprenons-nous?" Because if there's any way to make yourself taken seriously in today's world, it's to bust out the French. When Keith goes into his office, VMVO confesses that the story she told Keith about the HIV test was bullshit. Considering that it involved getting extra credit in Health class, I don't think we needed VMVO's help with that one. Anyway, she's sending the sample to an online company that does paternity testing. I'm not too sanguine about a company being allowed to give test results of blood they didn't draw, nor do I think that notifying people by mail of this stuff is a good idea, for much the same reason doctors don't give HIV results by mail or even over the phone, in my experience. Not everyone is going to have the shock of learning the man who raised her isn't her father cushioned by the fact that her real dad could buy, say, Hawaii. VMVO: "I need to know, without a doubt, who my father is." You're not the only one, if the collective ire of the forums is any indication.
Veronica sees Duncan at school, and despite his friendly greeting, walks away without a word. You know the new drill: Un! Comfortable! Duncan looks discomfited, but given the way he dumped Veronica, he might just consider that the coming around of something that went around about a year ago. Some orbits are wider than others.
A bunch of kids are playing hacky-sack. Well, if that's the cult activity, I can see why Casey's parents are concerned. Because after hacky-sack, can Ultimate Frisbee be far behind? Veronica and Wallace observe, and Veronica points out Casey, who's quite cute, actually. He's played by Jonathan Bennett from Mean Girls, and I'm surprised that they resisted the temptation to write Lilly into this episode so that Bennett and Amanda Seyfried could have a bitchy little reunion. Wallace opines that Casey looks normal. Veronica: "Not if you knew him before."
And, back from a week's break, a blue-themed flashback! With Weevil, also after a week's break! Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And if you need further prod of that, wait and see the reaction when Logan comes back after two episodes off. Anyway, Weevil is dressed far more conservatively than he is in the present, and it occurs to me that this is the first time we've seen him in flashback, if I'm not mistaken. I guess that's not surprising, since we barely ever see him at all. (Yes, that was a hint.) My original point, however, is that I'll be interested to see what he was like when he was doing whatever it was he was doing with Lilly. And also to find out what that whatever-it-was was. Can this show be confusing, or is it me? Both, you say? That's what I thought. Sigh. Anyway, Weevil's reading something in front of a class full of students, who are all perched on pillows. If I wanted my kids to pay attention, I wouldn't be making it easier for them to fall asleep. Duncan's mildly caressing Veronica, and Casey is lying with some girl. Weevil's reading something about prisoners on death row that sounds like a poem. The teacher, a young blonde, is impressed, until Casey calls Weevil out for passing off a Social Distortion song as his original poetry. Funnily enough, I didn't know that, even though I wore out the copies of the two Social D albums I had in college. And yes, CDs had been invented by the time I was twenty. You wisenheimers, you. The song in question is "When The Angels Sing," by the way. Casey's smug, but Veronica's chagrined. Back in the present, Veronica realizes that there's someone she should talk to...
...and we cut to the bathroom. Thankfully, they've dropped the practice of having Veronica clear everyone else out. Casey's ex-girlfriend from the flashback is telling Veronica that she doesn't know what happened with Casey. She gives a long rendition of what he told her which could be summed up in five quick words: "I am now a pinko." Anyway, she dumped Casey. You know, this girl is clearly an 09er -- does it make sense that she'd be talking so freely to Veronica? I mean, the 09ers as a group typically act like Veronica's dropping fingers and toes right and left. And this girl doesn't really seem like the Saint Blonde type, even beyond the fact that she's a brunette. Anyway, the ex lets it spill that she thinks Casey and the blonde teacher, "Miss Mills," are involved. Yeah, that way. The waterbed way. She adds that Casey even joined the literary magazine, which is amazing to contemplate, given that "he used to think CliffsNotes were for the intellectual posers." I know what she's trying to say, but...in a way, they are.
Veronica's on the waterbed as VMVO muses how she can get in tight with the lit mag crowd. She decides to write some crappy pretentious poetry. Hee.
Veronica in the shower. She yelps and jumps back from the flow. Given that the curtain is somewhat see-through, here's my impression of the straight male posters watching that scene: Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. (Tm Demian, of course. Thanks, D.!)
Cut to Veronica coming out in a bathrobe and complaining about the hot water problem, which apparently has been going on for five months. I don't buy that Keith would have put up with the landlord's excuses that long, but if he hadn't, he wouldn't get to suggest longingly that they make sure they get the five grand bonus. With great contrivance comes great filler.
Class. Some male teacher tells the class to break into groups of four and compare notes. The assignment was "editorial content analysis," which sounds like the purview of Miss Dent. Who? Right. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. The teacher, by the way, has even worse hair than Ephram's new 'do on Everwood. As Sars said at brunch today: "There's just no reason for guys to part their hair in the middle." Anyway, all of this is an excuse for everyone else to break into groups of four and leave Veronica out. They hate you, they hate you not. They hate you, they hate you not. Yeah, that could get boring real fast.
Miss Mills catches Veronica in the hall and brings up the poem she submitted, entitled "I Cut Because I Can." Hee. Miss Mills wastes no time in pinning a flower on Veronica and reciting the Hare Krishna chant. Well, not really, but that's what we're meant to take from her reaction, I think. She offers to take Veronica to Cult Central that afternoon. Veronica pauses to consider just how great an ass-kicking Keith will give her if she disobeys him. Deciding that she's still young and cute enough to sell the "I'm sorry, Daddy" line, she accepts. Well, at least Keith doesn't have to worry about Veronica selling her expensive car. In fact, I'm guessing Miss Mills hasn't seen what Veronica drives, or she would have been all, "Yeah, cult? Not so much for you!" Glad that didn't happen. Veronica's got enough social problems without being rejected by hippies.
Cult Central. Veronica and Miss Mills arrive, having taken separate cars. Well, at least Veronica can tell her dad that. She may have trouble getting the words out with his hands around her neck, of course, but it'll be worth a try. Miss Mills tells Veronica to feel free to look around at some point, but to stay out of the barn. VMVO scoffs at this warning. No better way to shut it up than with a helping of crow. They meet the head of the cult, who hikes his tongue down Miss Mills's throat, and shows no signs of coming up for air as the camera swirls around him. Veronica's face: Un! Comfortable! Miss Mills introduces Veronica to "Josh," who pulls her into a hug as off-camera, Miss Mills takes the opportunity to reapply her Blistex. She goes through that stuff even faster than she goes through impressionable youths. Josh, incidentally, is Greg from Felicity. If there's a lesson there, it's that it's a lot easier to score some action when you're not in direct competition with Scott Speedman. As the Un! Comfortable! hug continues, VMVO muses, "I knew I should have include a few discreet lesbian overtones in that poem." Hee! Although that might have led to a whole different problem, if you take my meaning. Casey appears, and greets Veronica happily, saying that he heard she was coming, but that he had to see it to believe it: "But now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that you'd wind up here sooner or later." Hee. It's funny when super-friendly people are unintentionally bitchy. Casey tells Veronica he'll see her later as Greg completely gratuitously sucks face with Miss Mills again before heading off to nail the in his series of concubines. Anyone think the commune's secret product is a home-grown version of Viagra? Anyway, Miss Mills shows Veronica the commune's wonderful ways. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to buy the world a Coke, and I really can't afford a big credit-card payment at the moment. Veronica agrees to pitch in while chatting with a young girl, who just happens to be black, named "Rain." Also, we hear from the head chef of the place, who tells us, "The secret ingredient's love." I gotta tell you, if someone told me that the secret ingredient in something I just ate was love, I'd be the one hurling at the side of the road. If you're unclear what I mean, go rent Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle. Funniest movie I saw this year. Rain tells Veronica she's got a fun job for her.
Cut to Rain showing Veronica how to milk a cow. Demonstrating the proper hand technique, she says, "It's pretty easy once you get the rhythm down." Yeah, you know how I said it's funny when super-friendly people are unintentionally bitchy? It's even funnier when they're unintentionally dirty. Anyway, Veronica tries her hand (hee), and then turns the focus of the pumping to information. She tests Rain on the subjects of the barn and Greg, and comes up empty, but then gets her to spill that the product they're growing is "the ultimate cash crop." VMVO: "Yahtzee." VMVO, don't make me come over there.
Night. The group gathers around a fire as VMVO complains that they need to get to the good stuff already. Well, Greg hasn't tried to boink you yet, Veronica. There's that. Rain invites Veronica to sit with her, but then Casey extends an invitation of his own. Well, Veronica, here's your big chance to go dyke. But she goes to sit with Casey. Poor Rain. Even lesbians get the blues, you know. VMVO marvels at her newfound popularity. Casey notes that he and Veronica have had classes together for three years, but that they've never really talked. Greg asks the group how everyone's feeling. Rain pipes up, because even in the most communal of settings, all people are equal, but some are more SAG than others. Anyway, Rain babbles on as VMVO admonishes herself not to roll her eyes, since she's undercover. That's okay, Veronica -- I've got you covered. Anyway, we blissfully only get a clip show of the feeling circle, but then Greg invites the group to welcome Veronica, and they all start mooing at her. Which is a very clever way for a commune to enforce a policy of "no fat chicks." Miss Mills invites Veronica to share her poem with the group. VMVO tells us that "four out of five cult leaders like their handmaidens nubile, flighty, and teetering on the edge of a breakdown." She says she has to go, and flees the scene. That's your big crazy act? Didn't Lilly teach you anything?
Cut to the barn, where Veronica's taking the opportunity to look inside. She's shocked to see it contains a tethered, wild horse. No, Meteor, no! That's not Lana! (That joke's pretty much obligatory, if you hate Lana. Which in turn is obligatory, if you've even watched Smallville.) Greg, Casey, and Miss Mills come rushing up, so Veronica reassumes her flighty act, saying she was freaked out and just wanted someplace to pull herself together before driving. Casey looks the slightest bit suspicious, but that could simply be that his eyebrows are playing apprentice to those of Peter Gallagher. Tweezers, kid. I know it sounds like a pain, but you've got a cute face. Take it back.
Veronica breezes in and gives Keith and Backup 2.0 a cult-less version of her day. Backup 2.0: "Your lies sing out to me. And the smell of that stinky commune is a dead giveaway, too."
Cut to Veronica testing out the shower. As the hot-water foibles continue, VMVO tells us she can't stop thinking about the Jake Kane thing, but if he's her dad, "As God is my witness, I'll never take cold showers again!" Oh, come on, Veronica. We know Weevil's coming back at some point.
Veronica catches Casey at school and apologizes for being a "rampaging jackass" the night before. Casey: "Have you forgotten who you're talking to? I wrote the jackass Bible, the jackass Koran, the jackass Talmud!" Oh, Casey, there's no need for that. Everyone knows that jackassedness is a truly ecumenical phenomenon. Casey invites her back out. VMVO calls him "homely," which he certainly is not. Can a voice-over get glasses?
Cult central. Greg gives Veronica a shorter hug, and then points out that everyone's happy to see her again. The other people wave and say hi, and Veronica's clearly touched in spite of herself. Greg invites Veronica for a walk, and VMVO thinks this is where he tries to, as the theme song says, "Get it on, get it on." Might as well give in, Veronica. You can't argue with your own theme song. She surreptitiously starts a pocket tape recorder, and follows after him.
Greg tells Veronica that she's too guarded, and that she needs to open herself up and let other people inside. The multiple entendres aren't lost on Veronica, tree-hugging hippie-dippy fount of childlike wonder that she's, you know, not. She starts to reach for her stun gun, but Greg offers to show her "the ultimate cash crop," which is...
...poinsettias. Ha! I was pretty sure it was nothing nefarious, but I still thought that was funny. Greg tells Veronica that Casey's money helped fund the greenhouse, but when she brings up the idea of contributing money herself, he tells her that's not necessary. And this is where Veronica figures out that some people might actually be nice enough just to want other people to be happy. Hey, give her a break for forgetting that. It's been a rough year.
Outside, Veronica laughs it up with the other commune members. I laugh too, because montages are my friend. Greg interrupts to tell everyone that someone's there to inspect the water for lead. Unsurprisingly, it's Keith. Some people on the forums opined that it was unlikely that none of these people would fail to recognize Keith, a figure of considerable notoriety in the town. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but perhaps they were thrown by the fact that it looks like someone whacked him in the face with a baseball bat. Maybe that's the price he had to pay to get into the league. But seriously, now he's got a big cut on his nose to complement the one under his eye. I don't think the nose cut was there before, but the camera angles made it hard to tell. And is this league sponsored by the WWF? Upon seeing her father, VMVO states, "I'm dead." Well, if that were true, there wouldn't be a show. Good thing, too, because otherwise you'd be right.
Veronica enters Mars Investigations. Veronica, it's too bad you've always been kind of a good girl, because this is pretty much the worst thing you've ever done. Wouldn't you like to be able to say, "Well, this isn't as bad as the time you caught me having sex with Weevil!" Add to that the bonus of, you know, having had sex with Weevil. Anyway, Keith wastes no time in laying into her, and Veronica takes it for a while until emotionally apologizing. She tells him they seemed so normal. Keith freaks out some more, but is forced to admit that the bugs he planted at the commune have yielded nothing less crunchy than the freshest granola. What's more, Greg and Miss Mills's backgrounds are absolutely spotless. Despite this, Keith cans Veronica from the case. Before they can really get into it again, the Gants enter with someone in tow who's dressed like he belongs on Sprockets, but looks...rather more severe. Let me put it this way: the only dance this guy would be interested in seeing is the Spandau Ballet. I know this much is true.
Keith's office. As Veronica eavesdrops, Mrs. Gant tells Keith that her mother had a severe stroke, and isn't expected to live more than a couple days. What's more, they just learned from her attorney that should she die, the bulk of her fortune -- about $80 million -- would go to Casey. Dude, and I bet he never even wrote her a single thank-you card over the years. How much effort does it take to dash off "Thanks for the yacht, Grandma" on a card and toss it in the mail, anyway? Keith confesses that he hasn't found any evidence of illicit activity at the commune, but that he can at least say that Casey isn't in any danger. Herr Doktor Evil pipes up that he begs to differ, and that the sooner they get Casey out of there, the better. Keith asks HDE what his deal is, and he says his background is in "SMSPI" -- Systematic Manipulation of Social and Psychological Influences. In other words, he straps people to a dentist's chair and repeatedly asks them, "Is it safe?" And, brrrr. Just thinking about that movie gives me the creepy-crawlies. HDE adds that a "vulgar" term for what he does is "deprogramming." Well, God forbid we tar psychological torture with the "vulgar" brush. I mean, if we do that, the name "Guantanamo Bay" might actually have negative associations attached to it! That way lies madness! Keith asks HDE to explain deprogramming. Incidentally, Keith's face reveals that he's picking up on the evil this guy's projecting about as easily as Backup would pick up on a Maria Callas performance. HDE, noting that Veronica's skulking outside, closes the door to the office. Dude, when people say, "Won't someone think of the children?," I can guarantee that it's not with you in mind. HDE gives a glossed-over explanation of what he does, and Mrs. Gant tells Keith they just want Casey home. Now might be the time to up your reward a little, don't you think? I mean, I didn't take any math higher than calculus, but I don't think differential equations are necessary to determine that spending a few extra thousand dollars might be worth it to gain EIGHTY MILLION.
Chez Mars. Backup and Keith hear Veronica's hot-water-capades continue. I think Backup should take Sydney Tamiia Poitier's place in the opening credits, if he's going to have to do scenes that pointless. WE KNOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE POOR.
School. Speaking of characters in the opening credits, we get our weekly dose of Wallace. That's not exactly the medicine I requested. Veronica tells Wallace that she hasn't found anything untoward, and what's more, she isn't sure that Casey's becoming a tolerable human being is such a bad thing. Wallace: "Sounds to me, Veronica, like you've been drinking the Kool-Aid." Veronica snarks, "Should I check myself before I wreck myself?" Good line. But there's nothing wrong with a simple "Shut up, Wallace." Or if there is, I'm going to have to find a new catchphrase. Wallace accuses Veronica of going soft, and then Casey thankfully shows up and invites Veronica to come with him to visit his grandmother. Veronica smilingly, and slightly babblingly, accepts. Casey leaves with a smile, and Wallace mouths, "Soft." You know what three words are being said in a little corner of Brooklyn Heights right about now.
Death's bedside. I don't know what actress they got to lie still for this role, but they certainly made a good choice to make her look like a stroke victim. She looks like she could be a contemporary of Whistler's mother. Casey tells Veronica that it's hard to see his grandmother like this, and then adds that his parents' fortune comes entirely from Granny's publishing company. What's more, even though they got all their money from her, they called her "Grandmonster" behind her back and ignored her when she started having strokes. He also drops the bomb that his parents have known full well that Granny's money is coming to him for a year. Well, well, well. The parents might not have their kid's best interests at heart. I had no idea, despite the fact that they were accompanied into Keith's office by THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
Sometime later, Veronica drops Casey back at the commune, saying she wishes she could come with him. I'll bet you do, sweetie. After all, if you are Jake Kane's daughter, Casey's one of the few boys who will have a net worth worthy of dating you. It's true, there's always Duncan, but incest really loses its thrill after the first time, don't you think? Casey tells her that she could come live with the poinsettia children if she wanted to, and VMVO confesses that she kind of does want that. Poor thing. Casey heads in, and Veronica drives off.
Chez Mars. Veronica gets a milk container out of the refrigerator and sets it on the counter. On the back, there's a picture of Rain under the word "MISSING." Contrivance: It does a body good. I can't make out most of what's written under her picture, but it does clearly give her age as seventeen. Which, unfortunately for our crunchy friends, is a year under the legal limit for selling poinsettias in California. Or something.
Keith comes home. Veronica sadly confesses the news about Rain, but begs Keith to consider the matter before he calls the Gants. Keith tightly tells her that this is the break they're looking for, and that the money is a big deal. You know, this didn't bother me so much on first viewing, but they're really pushing the whole "the Mars family is SOOOO poor" angle in the episode, and it's coming off a little false. I mean, it's not that I haven't been aware that they're not exactly the Howells here -- it's just that it didn't seem to be that big a deal to them until now. The construct of this moral dilemma just feels a little artificial to me. Keith adds that the commune is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, which...is a more valid argument, at least on paper, but if you're going to frame this as a question of ethics where a runaway kid is concerned, you really have to do your due diligence and find out exactly what the kid was running from before you return her to that environment. I mean, "The Girl Door" was only two episodes ago, here. Veronica scoffs that Keith's seen the commune-ists, and he knows they're not corrupting anyone. She adds that they're "a bunch of sweet, naïve '60s throwbacks." It's a good thing this is fiction, because otherwise I might have seen some of my parents' friends on the TV. Un! Comfortable! Keith tells Veronica that they don't answer, "morally or otherwise," to the commune. Well, yes, but you don't answer to the letter of the law anymore, either, which was sort of my point. Keith tells Veronica that they answer to their clients, end of story. How can that statement come around to bite him in the ass? Let me count the ways!
Veronica goes in to see Miss Mills, who's really sort of reminding me of Julie Benz, at least in the looks department. Vamp out, Miss Mills! Vamp out! Veronica starts to confess what she's done, but is interrupted by the appearance of a tear-streaked Casey, who informs them that he is now, not to put too fine a point on it, stinking fucking rich. Well, I'd hate to see his face if she'd left him with nothing, then. Miss Mills gives Casey a hug, and Veronica looks like she wants to as well. Go for it, Veronica! When was the last time you had an excuse to grab a guy's lats? Well, besides Greg's, that is.
Cemetery. Casey, Greg, and Miss Mills are walking away from the grave when Veronica catches them. She confesses she told her dad about Rain. Greg says something that I couldn't really understand even on multiple viewings, but the gist is that they're one step ahead of the law on this one, so everyone in the area is going to be lousy with poinsettias come Christmas. After inviting Veronica to stop by the commune later, he leads Miss Mills away, and Veronica takes Casey's arm, which is a subtle and sweet move. I like seeing Veronica show some physical affection. Casey tells Veronica that he's happy she's there: "For no reason that I can see, you've been a real friend to me lately." Well, I'm not casting any aspersions on Veronica's character, but if you're looking for reasons why people would want to be your friend now, I can list about eighty million of them. Veronica wonders how Casey can be so generous after what she told him about her original reason for visiting the commune, but he counters that he doesn't think she was faking the kindness: "Am I wrong?" Veronica smiles shyly. Aww. Casey opens Veronica's car door, and says he has to go talk to his parents. Veronica sits and looks happy, and then observes Casey heading toward his parents through her rear-view mirror. Oh, Veronica, that was a mistake. The rear-view mirror never gives good news. It's all speeding tickets and broken dreams. Sure enough, she sees a couple of goons grab Casey and manhandle him into a limo as his parents observe. HDE gets in after him. Veronica gets out of the car and runs over yelling for them to stop, but her pleas are ineffectual as Casey's parents beat a quick retreat. Well, I hope when they told HDE to get all those lovely communal thoughts out of Casey's head, they thought to remind him to make sure Casey doesn't hate their fucking guts at the end of it. Because if not, their stinking-rich son could arrange to send them to join Grandmonster in the family plot right frickin' quick.
Veronica bustles into Mars Investigations and tells Keith what she saw. He gently tells her that he doesn't doubt her interpretation, but that if his sheriff's training tells him anything, it's that there's nothing the law can do, at least not for a couple days, so they need to hold off and see what happens. Veronica despairingly says she wishes they hadn't turned over the information about the collective. Is she saying that because she doesn't want Casey's parents' money? Keith tells her, however, that he didn't, because he thought about what she said, and all the things he heard on the wiretap. I so want to hear someone start singing "Listen To What The Flower People Say." Preferably Christopher Guest. On top of Keith's turnaround, he also checked up on Rain, and discovered that she's been in four foster homes since she was eight, and that there were reports of serious abuse in at least two. And this is why this A-plot worked for me, despite being light on action: I found it a convincing demonstration of the fact that Keith and Veronica constantly have to invent their own moral and ethical code, and that they're stronger when they work together. In addition, Veronica openly disagreed with her dad, convinced him to change his viewpoint, and was correct in doing so, which makes them closer as a team. All this isn't to say that I won't be bored if the most exciting thing in week's A-plot is a horse that somehow got into the catnip. Veronica smiles at her dad through glistening eyes. Aww, again.
School. Veronica gets out of her car as VMVO tells us that with each passing day, she comes more to terms with the question of her paternity. I think the forum posters would like you to come to terms with the answer of your paternity, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Veronica grabs a flyer off her car, which I really think she would have noticed when she got in to go to school, and puts it on the SUV to hers, inside which is sitting Duncan. He gets out and looks at it, seeing that it offers a free dish with the "happy family" (okay, hee) dinner at "Wok-n-Roll." Nothing says "I love you, but not like THAT, ew" like crab Rangoon. Duncan smilingly thanks Veronica, and walks off. The action around Veronica speeds up as VMVO tells us that she sent off for the test results because she wanted the truth: "But can a lab tech really see the shape of my soul in a drunken conga line of genes?" Probably not -- I can't even see it through that metaphor. VMVO wonders, even if Jake Kane is her father, would she really claim him as such, and deny the man who raised her? Wallace interrupts her reverie, and the two of them see Casey peel into the lot in a new silver Porsche. Oh, dear. He swaggers out of the car and throws a "'Sup, Veronica," our heroine's way. I think you could read that bit as somewhat ambiguous -- if he were truly completely back to his asshole 09er ways, would he even acknowledge her at all? Veronica watches in consternation as Casey goes into the school.
Veronica arrives home, mail in hand. The test results are there.
Sometime much later, VMVO tells us that she can open the results and find out whether her dad's really her dad, or if she's an heiress. She enters Keith's bedroom, wherein he's asleep. She kneels down, and after a final moment of hesitation, runs the unopened envelope through the shredder, which wakes Keith up. He groggily asks her if it's necessary that she do that at that particular moment. She smiles and answers, "Yeah. As a matter of fact, it is." Fade out.
Well, a LOT of the posters took issue with that ending. It's not in character for her not to look at the results! She needs to know if Duncan is her brother! She needs to know whom her father is to understand better why her mom left! All valid points. But I think this situation is special. Once she finds out, she can't unlearn what she knows. The knowledge could change her life irrevocably, again, and as tough as she is, maybe she's simply not ready for that. Or maybe she feels that when she's ready, she'll look Keith in the eye and ask him, rather than doing it this way, which is a pretty deep violation of trust, regardless of whatever lies he's told her over the years. Also, from a dramatic standpoint, I think it might be better for the audience to find out when there's even more at stake -- after, perhaps, the whole "who raped Veronica" mystery is solved. What I'm saying is that I didn't have a problem with this ending. Let the hate mail begin!