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So like, you guys? Remember how the show got preempted last week for that awards show that no one cared about, and then someone totally got STABBED? You don't? Good, me either. Anyway, there's something called a "Purity Test" floating around school, which is sort of like an online version of a Slam Book, except that you do it to yourself, like...what? And then someone hacks into the results and distributes them around the school. The resulting pearl-clutching makes me think these people don't really spend much time in the online community. This one 09er gets her rep compromised, which is only significant because she was really nice to Veronica. Veronica is able to unsully her new ally's name, of course, and hopefully her friend won't disappear into the one-off ether, because it's nice to have rich friends, isn't it? Also, some dork is giving Wallace's mom a hard time, so Keith leans on him...literally. And finally, Veronica arranges to see Abel Koontz, who tells her that Jake Kane is her father. Of course, he's acting fruitier than a nutcake, so maybe he's incorrect. But I'm guessing the forum posters agree with him. Also, Weevil and Logan travel to Canada for their commitment ceremony. Sadly, that plotline unfolds off camera. But just wait till Logan comes into school wearing Weevil's jacket! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Veronica's examining the conflicting photos of Lilly's shoes as VMVO tells us that only one person can shed any light on the situation, and that only one person, in turn, can get her in to see him. On cue, Cliff the Sleazy Lawyer enters Mars Investigations. Veronica gives him a bright smile. Given how seldom his entrances likely produce that result, his ensuing confusion is understandable. After we learn that Cliff's surname is "McCormick," Veronica cuts to the chase about Cliff getting her in to see Abel Koontz on Death Row. Cliff: "You crazy kids! The stuff you're into!" Hee. Veronica says that Cliff is Koontz's lawyer, but Cliff points out that since Koontz got sentenced to death and refused to appeal, any lawyering duties of his are of the past. Veronica thinks Cliff could get her in, but he tells her that Koontz alone decides whom he'll see, and to this point, he's seen no one. There's some exposition to the effect that some very famous lawyers would have stepped over their own mothers to handle Koontz's case. Er, faster than usual. But Koontz chose public defender Cliff, who adds, "I failed Criminal Law, and I still know that can't be good." Well, yeah. Although if Koontz was so hell-bent on getting the death penalty, I'm surprised he didn't defend himself. I'm pretty sure the jury would vote to execute anyone who started his defense with "Your Honor, you look about a size fourteen." Veronica shows Cliff the two photographs of Lilly's sneakers, and asks why Koontz would have broken back into the Kane house to steal a pair of shoes. Cliff thinks it might be because the man in question is batshit crazy, and then realizes, "Your dad didn't page me, did he?" Don't try to tell me you failed Criminal Law with deductive reasoning skills like that, Cliff. You were at least a minute ahead of the newborn baby ward and the local stoner population. Cliff gets up to leave, but Veronica keeps pressing her case, so Cliff reluctantly tells her to write Koontz a letter, and promises to make sure Koontz gets it, but warns her that Koontz will say no. Veronica: "You think? Sometimes people find it very difficult to say no to me." That's what happens when you speak softly, and carry a stun gun. Also, was Veronica hitting on Cliff?
Well, probably not, but the cut to the showers in the girls' locker room at school makes me think the writers had more than one entendre in mind with that comment. Veronica comes out of the shower with a towel tied around her. In the interest of painting the most descriptive picture possible, I'll just pretend I'm straight for a moment. Hubba hubba! Woof woof! Do those legs go all the way up? Eh, I can't do it. Apparently trying to act straight has the side effect of transporting me to an era where guys still used Brylcreem. I'm willing to try new things for my readers, though. Up to a certain point, anyway. Veronica returns to her locker to discover that it's ajar, her open lock inside. I don't understand that -- it hasn't been cut, and it doesn't seem too likely that someone cracked the combination while Veronica was in the shower. The only way I could see the 09er girls being proficient at lock-picking would be if chastity belts were still in vogue. Veronica pointedly asks the girls around her where her clothes are, but all she gets is a chorus of titters and tee-hees. She asks again...
...and we cut to said clothes, which are soaking in one of the toilets. Veronica, when you fish them out, you might want to take an extra second and grab your social life. A blonde girl rushes up and starts to ask if Veronica found her clothes, but trails off upon seeing the spectacle in porcelain, at which Veronica is staring bitterly. Blonde Girl: "People can be so awful here." I guess she knew Wanda. Veronica makes a conscious decision to let it go, turning to the girl and smiling, "Does this towel make me looks fat?" Blonde Girl asks if Veronica wants something to wear, but from her tone, it sounds like Veronica's humiliations may not be over just yet...
...and boy howdy, is that the case, as outside, Veronica's dressed in Blonde Girl's cheerleading uniform. Hee. And as it happens, the uniform is the midriff-baring variety, ensuring that the straight guys in the audience are filling in for Veronica in saying "Awesome!" and "Oh wow!" Blonde Girl apologizes, saying she usually has sweats in her locker, but Veronica says it's fine. Blonde Girl invites Veronica to join her for lunch at the cool kids' table: "You're already dressed for the occasion!" Veronica spies Ugly Owen Wilson at the table, as if she didn't already have enough reason to decline that offer, and says she's going to go home and change. She thanks Saint Blonde for the offer, and heads off amid more ogling and tee-hees. God, get lives, jerks.
Ugly Owen Wilson is on a laptop, reading a couple questions from an online test for the purpose of advertising his sexual prowess. One: remember that for later. And two: ew. Saint Blonde sits down in some other guy's lap, and some bitch asks her if Veronica is wearing Saint Blonde's uniform. Upon hearing an affirmative, she suggests that Saint Blonde, whose name is "Meg," make sure Veronica washes it, and goes on to say that Veronica's a skank. Well, I don't want to jump to conclusions about how this bitch lives her life, so perhaps I'll simply suggest that there's a reason the expression "It takes one to know one" is a classic. Skanky bitch. Saint Blonde says that Veronica's cool, but Ugly Owen Wilson tells them about Veronica putting the bong in Logan's locker (for which he apparently got suspended). Some girl who looks a little like Lilly mentions Veronica telling that other bitch "Ashley" about her father's affair. I have to say, I don't really understand this sequence. Wouldn't all these kids be in on all this gossip already? And if Saint Blonde is that open about liking Veronica, wouldn't she have come under fire from her friends way before this incident, particularly since Duncan is one of them? It just all seems kind of sloppy to me.
Anyway, Duncan arrives at the table as Ugly Owen Wilson busts on Skanky Bitch, who's named "Pam." All the Pams I know are sweetness and light, so if that's supposed to be some sort of shout-out, it's getting marked "Return to Sender." Anyway, Ugly Owen Wilson's point is that Pam got a 63 on the "Purity Test," which is an online quiz of twee questions about your various and sundry exploits, be they sexual, drug-related, or just plain illegal. In other words, "blue state." Duncan makes a joke, and Pam cracks up like he's Jon Stewart or something. Beta Lilly tells us that everyone in the school got the test. Note, by the way, as I indicated above, how openly the kids are talking about their results here. Also, as pointed out repeatedly on the forums, this sort of test has been around on the internet for years, so it seems kind of ridiculous that it's suddenly causing such a sensation. Particularly among kids who eat their lunches over waaaaay nicer laptops than I will ever own. Speaking of lunch, I'm in the mood for something bitter. Saint Blonde's boyfriend admits that he got a 91, which is just south of "driven snow." Saint Blonde thinks that's sweet, and kisses him before strolling off. Duncan ranks on him, sarcastically congratulating him on kissing on the lips now. The dude, who's way too cute never to have gotten any action, self-deprecatingly asks what second base is like. Geez, dude, that's kind of pathetic. Cute, rich sixteen- or seventeen-year-olds' sex lives shouldn't really sound like an Abbott and Costello routine, you know?
Veronica is Chez Wallace, about to watch a fight on Pay-Per-View. Hee. I certainly buy Veronica enjoying a spot of violence here and there. In fact, I'm surprised we haven't seen her take up jujitsu yet. Wallace asks Veronica if she took the purity test. Veronica's look is so dismissive that I wish I could bottle it and use it in cases of emergency. It would save me a lot of facial wrinkles and eye strain. Wallace tries to cover that he didn't take it either, but Veronica calls him out, so he admits he got a 70. Veronica: "You're a thirty percent danger-lovin' girl-touchin' rock star!" So, that thirty percent is passive, then. Wallace demurs that he's one point away from being cool (?), which is reason enough for Veronica to unzip her hoodie and flash him her sports bra. Well, I don't quite follow the logic there, but it's not like seeing Veronica disrobe is offensive to me. If Colantoni has a sex scene, though, we're gonna have a problem. And in fact, we have a problem right now, as a cut reveals that Wallace's mom was in the room for Veronica's little nork flash, and no FCC employee could look sterner than she does right now. She asks Wallace to speak to him in the other room. Veronica whispers, "That had to be worth at least two points." Heh.
In the kitchen, we get a look at Wallace's brother, who according to a couple of the forum posters, is played by Percy Daggs's real-life brother. In any case, the resemblance is striking. Wallace's mom is played by Erica Gimpel, who was Coco on the TV series Fame, and is looking pretty damn good for forty. I suppose she is gonna live forever. I don't want to get sidetracked from Veronica here, though, so I'm hoping she doesn't find the cafeteria. Wallace's mom lectures him about hanging out with Veronica, saying she's only heard bad things about the Mars family. Again, it seems a little late for them to be having this discussion: Veronica's been Wallace's bestest bud from the very beginning, and we're eight episodes in here. Anyway, Mrs. Wallace tells her son not to spend all his time with her.
Veronica: "Did she invite me for supper?" Hee. Wallace says it ain't no thing. Veronica changes the subject to the purity test. She's got the homepage up, which says that for ten bucks you can find out the result of anyone's purity test. Sorry, but that sounds like complete bullshit. There's no way someone could risk doing that without more warnings than on Saving Private Ryan in primetime, in which case no one remotely concerned about his or her reputation would take the test. Weak, here. Wallace can't believe it. Veronica: "I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda can't wait for school tomorrow." Violence and schadenfreude? Is it any wonder this girl's popular at TWoP?
School. Chaos. A lot of lockers have scores painted on them, and from the ones we see, you could be forgiven for thinking that the maximum score possible was fifty. People are screaming at each other -- friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, et cetera. One, it's apparent that it's not just the scores that were available, but the complete breakdown of everyone's answers. Also, the girls are collectively getting a much, much harder time than the guys, which is depressingly realistic. Anyway, Saint Blonde is cleaning the "48" off her locker as Boyfriend Blue Balls accuses her of having slept with some Spanish guy while she was on vacation. Well, there goes my purity test. I knew that trip to Barcelona would come back to haunt me. Saint Blonde denies the accusation, adding that she never even took the test, but BBB doesn't believe her: "You turned me into a joke. Thanks." Dude, weren't you at the table with your friends before? There wasn't a whole lot of "turning" involved. Veronica, who until now was enjoying herself, hears this exchange and looks discomfited. She consoles Saint Blonde and says she believes her: "You're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning." That comment only serves to evoke the image of Lily Tomlin poisoning Dabney Coleman's coffee in 9 to 5. Yeah, not so much with the straight, here. Veronica offers to find out who posted the test for Saint Blonde. But that will have to wait until after the opening credits, because at nine minutes this is the Longest. Teaser. Ever. A long time ago, this episode started.
Who are these people in the credits? Do they ever show up to work?
Veronica bustles into the computer lab and babbles a bunch of computer-speak at the hapless guy in charge. Basically, she wants to know how someone could have hacked into the school's server and gotten hold of everyone's passwords. The guy's like, yeah, I'm actually a gym teacher, like...she wouldn't know that? Why is everyone in this episode acting like it's their first day at a new school? Because that's not a fun place to be. Just ask Wallace. The guy tells Veronica to look for a blue-haired "Mac" in the parking lot. And I suppose said lot is named after a guy called "Tosh."
Lot. Veronica spies the Mac in question, who's got a thin shock of blue hair on one side of her head, struggling with her car, having locked the keys in. Well, that's a promising start, genius. I can live with it, though, because it allows Veronica to make a Repo Man reference while jimmying the lock open. Can't you just picture her saying, "Fuck that!" in response to the question, "What about our relationship?" And then she'd definitely get on the spaceship. Even the real Neptune is better than this shit. Where was I? Mac and Veronica bond over how crappy their cars are, although Veronica's is kind of a poser in that department, while Mac's is the real lemony deal. Also, Mac's last name is "Mackenzie," hence the nickname.
Sometime later, Mac is telling Veronica that to post a test for someone else, you'd have to use the person in question's password, and the only person who would have all the students' passwords is the IT guy, who works all over the district, but is at Neptune Tuesday and Friday. Also, he's apparently kind of hot. Mac tells Veronica to try him, and that if he can't help, Mac will dip into her bag of IT tricks. I wonder if they're setting Mac up to be the Willow here. Stay away from the magic crack, Mac. But at least she's not dressing like a Muppet on PCP. Yet.
Veronica is posing in front of a dropcloth in a Price Is Right-model pose while Wallace takes her picture. Veronica, I know you were complaining about your ride, but this isn't going to magically cause the curtain to open to reveal "A NEW CAR!" Although I can't say I've ever tried it. Hold on a second. Nope, definitely not. Wallace asks why she's channeling Janice and Holly, whom I bet are bitter, chain-smoking alcoholics now. More power to them. Veronica: "So that one day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as inscrutable." Heh. Wallace goes to get the phone. Veronica looks out the window, and sees Coco talking to some losery dude in a wifebeater downstairs. Apparently, Coco's his landlord, and he's two months behind on the rent. Anyway, long story short, the guy's a total loser deadbeat, and Coco's frustrated with the whole thing. I'd be frustrated too, if I had to do scenes with that jerkweed.
School. Saint Blonde is doing a segment on the Navigator, the students' news channel. Her co-anchor says something unscripted, and she goes all Cindy Brady with the red light on. Afterward, Pam and Beta Lilly, "Kimmy," chat with her. According to Saint Blonde, Kimmy should have been picked for anchor, although it's not clear whom Saint Blonde thought she was better than. Kimmy thanks her after a quick look at Pam. Kimmy's the Amber to Pam's Outback Jerri. I'd hope that doesn't mean she's going to have a million dollars some day, but the truth is that she probably already does.
Veronica finds Saint Blonde at her locker. Saint Blonde says she's been getting continually harassed, which again, seems off. There were tons of other scores worse than hers -- are all those other girls getting this kind of treatment? Also, if I were a straight guy, hearing about all these easy targets might make me less "outraged" and more "psyched." What kind of world is it where straight teenaged boys aren't looking to hook up with any girl with passable tits and operational lungs? Veronica asks Saint Blonde if anyone else might have her password. Saint Blonde thinks maybe her sister, "Lizzie." "We're very close."
Bathroom. Lizzie is telling Veronica she wishes she had posted the test, since living with Saint Blonde is a royal pain. You know what else is a royal pain? That kind of "ironic" transition. I hated it when Buffy started relying heavily on it, and if Veronica Mars follows suit, we're going to have a problem. Hey, it's important to get these issues out in the open early in the relationship. And speaking of issues, Lizzie bitches that her parents lord Saint Blonde's perfection over her all the time, and tells Veronica she might as well blame Lizzie for the test, since Lizzie gets blamed for everything else anyway. She leaves. I wonder what Lizzie's middle name is. "Borden," perhaps?
Veronica goes to see the IT guy, who's French. He's not bad-looking, although he certainly doesn't rate the Jeff Spicoli-like "Whoa" that Veronica gives when she gets a good look at him. Anyway, Veronica sets her dial to "ditz," feeding him some bullshit story about how she needs her friend's password to change her screensaver to read "Happy birthday." She adds that her friend won't mind, as they're "total BFFs." Frenchy: "I don't know what that means." Hee. Also, speaking of birthdays, his apparently wasn't yesterday. No way, no day, au revoir. Veronica leaves.
Veronica enters auditions for Cabaret. And if there's anywhere Logan should have been in the episode, it's here. Kimmy auditions, and gets props. Then it's Saint Blonde's turn. She sings "Don't Tell Mama," and with the sexy lyrics, she's soon getting heckled from all sides. Okay, first off, if that many people are harassing her, the teacher doing the auditions should just clear the room. And secondly, I know I keep harping on this, but I simply don't understand why Saint Blonde is being singled out for so much abuse. She has no one who'll stick up for her? It makes no sense. Anyway, it gets so bad that Saint Blonde can't go on, and flees the scene. ["Too bad. That song rules." -- Wing Chun] Veronica goes after her. Saint Blonde says that everyone thinks she's the biggest slut in school. However, they've stopped at Veronica's locker, which now has a big "14" taped on it. Veronica: "Second biggest." VMVO: "I suppose the only surprise is that it took them this long to come after me." Well, since you bring up "coming after you," I'd make this point: Veronica's being made out to be the biggest slut since Traci Lords. So where are all the guys she's supposedly slept with? How come tons of guys aren't trying to get a piece of that action, or at least pretending to have boned this hot girl? I guess it's fitting that the show takes place in Neptune, because these guys sure aren't acting like they're from Earth.
Veronica's typing on her computer as we get a corn-pone version of VMVO, pretending to be some graduate student originally from Koontz's hometown. She Photoshops the Price Is Right image of herself into a shot of a "Welcome to Stallingsburg, Virginia" sign. I'm thinking that trip was one of the consolation prizes. Back in her normal voice, VMVO tells us she spent ten bucks to read her faked purity test: "Apparently I've pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs!" Well, that's kind of an anticlimactic end to the question of how Veronica lost her virginity. Because honestly, who hasn't?
Veronica goes back to see Frenchy, and it's not that I want to stereotype the French, because it's not like we do that in this country. But this guy is giving me a serious Henri-from-Cheers vibe, and given that later events bear out his Lothario-ness, I'll go with it. It'd be better if there were characters on this show named Kelly and Woody, though. Veronica tells Henri that she needs to change her password, since someone figured out the old one. He starts to lecture her on picking something obscure. Veronica: "My old password was GJ7B exclamation point X." Henri: "Well, try and make this one a little bit tougher." Oh, those French. They never apologize, even when they're clearly ri...er, "wrong."
Coco and Wallace come home to find the loser neighbor cooking something extremely unappetizing-looking on their stove. You are what you eat, I guess. The neighbor sort of looks like a young Aidan Quinn on heroin. And that's a scrawny place to be. Anyway, he complains that he only has a hot plate in his apartment, like...what? Coco's place is pretty damn nice, so I don't buy that she's slum lording here, so what's this guy's motivation for being such a tool? Also, how did he get in, and why doesn't she just call the sheriff or U.S. Marshals and get this guy's worthless ass thrown out if he's harassing her on top of being delinquent with the rent? It's funny that we were just in the kitchen, because I was just thinking this week's script could have used a little more time in the oven.
Chez Mars. Wallace tells Veronica about the incident with Psycho Aidan Quinn, and Veronica volunteers Keith to help. Keith appears: "Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?" One thing I do like is how Wallace is sort of being adopted into the Mars family. I only wish Keith could have demonstrated that with a comment that didn't give me the cold chills. Veronica fills Keith in, and Keith says he'll stop by Wallace's place, despite Wallace's evident misgivings about the idea. Veronica tells Wallace not to worry.
Class. Veronica tells Saint Blonde that the version of the purity test everyone took was originally published in "GrindGirl magazine." Saint Blonde tells her that her sister subscribes to that publication, and Veronica adds that she's the only person at Neptune High who does. That's just got to be horseshit. Only one girl in the whole high school subscribes to a magazine with Cosmo-like content? The teacher catches Veronica talking, and asks her position on whatever boring issue they're talking about, which is cue for Ugly Owen Wilson to pipe up, "All fours?" The teacher is unamused, not least because there were about fifty better insults available. She tells Ugly Owen Wilson -- whose name, it turns out, is "Dick Casablancas" -- to see her after class. Veronica waggles a finger at him as VMVO chimes in, "Congratulations, Dick. You just made my list." Just made your list? He looks like an Ugly Owen Wilson, and his name is Dick Casablancas! He should be your list!
Keith goes to see Coco, whose demeanor turns chilly once she learns who he is. I'm not sure to what extent I buy this. I'm sure she heard some terrible things, but I don't see why the recriminations of her co-workers would necessarily override the testimony of her son. (I'd wonder, too, if she knows about the whole Veronica cutting Wallace down from the flagpole incident, but considering they're not living in an estate the size of Versailles that they bought with the proceeds from the ensuing lawsuit, I'm going to guess he didn't choose to tell her about that particular episode.) Anyway, Coco fairly rudely refuses Keith's offer of help. On his way out, Keith notes that Psycho Aidan Quinn's name is "Jeremy Masterson." Seems like a bit of useless information, but perhaps that's only fitting for this subplot.
Veronica gets a call for "Ellen White," which is the pseudonym she used in her letter to Koontz. Only the guy pronounced it "Ellen White" instead of the proper "Ayyylenn Wiiiight." Hee, that accent is fun. Say "moonshine" , Veronica! The guy tells her that Koontz will see her Friday between 2 and 4, and starts to go into the prison guidelines. It'd be funny if she ran into other television characters while she was there. "Tonight, on a very special Veronica Mars: Veronica meets Joey Potter's dad. And pops a cap in his ass for fathering that irritating shrike who can't even STAND UP STRAIGHT." Tell me that wouldn't pull them in for sweeps.
Maybe Aidan Quinn isn't the only one on drugs here. Anyway.
09er table, Y chromosome required. Duncan ribs BBB for being the Justin to Saint Blonde's Britney. Whatever, sister-kisser. BBB goes into a bad Bill Clinton impression, and then laughs it up about what a slut Saint Blonde is, even though he freaked out earlier about how he'd made a fool out of her. I'd like to get back to the people in the opening credits at some point, because I really don't understand any of these interlopers. Anyway, this is all so that Lizzie Borden can come over and get in BBB's face for talking shit about her sister. BBB points out that she doesn't even like Saint Blonde. Lizzie: "Maybe not. But I love her." How sweet. Maybe she won't even mince her. Veronica beckons Lizzie over and asks where Saint Blonde is, since they were supposed to meet after lunch. I used to meet people after much too. In class. (Well, in high school, anyway.) Lizzie informs Veronica that Saint Blonde didn't make it to school, and that her parents are currently in the process of revising their "Most Favored Child" list. Veronica looks worried.
Cut to Saint Blonde's bedroom. It doesn't really look like the den of iniquity the Neptune kids seem to think it should be, but maybe they feel Saint Blonde is really pure in her sluttiness, and therefore has a strict rule about copulating only in cars. Saint Blonde says that at first, her dad wanted to kill whoever posted the test results, but then he searched her room, and found these sexy letters she got from some guy she met on vacation in Spain. Well, if the teenage guys in Neptune regularly face competition from continental European men, I can see why they might be bitter. I don't think Henri is the great shakes the girls are making him out to be, but compared to Ugly Owen Wilson, he's hotter than the sun. Toss in the experience factor, and you wonder why any girl would pick being a clumsy high-school boy's training ground. Anyway, Saint Blonde says she was too upset to go to school, and adds that she doesn't know how Veronica does it. For ten bucks, I know where you can find out. Thank you! Veronica asks what she means. Saint Blonde: "The way people talk about you! Does it bother you, the things they say?" Veronica says no, and that you have to get tough and get even: "And you are going to school tomorrow, and you're not taking crap from anyone." Veronica would make a great motivational speaker. She probably wouldn't even need the stun gun, but then again, it never hurts to be prepared.
The Fennels return home and immediately smell gas. Wallace rushes in to turn it off, which seems risky, but understandable. Less understandable is the way the three of them casually hang out on the porch afterward, like the gas that already leaked into the air is no threat. Coco thinks now they have something to go to the police with. Why couldn't they have gone before, when they actually caught the guy in the house? As I said before, Coco, you look great, but I'm starting to see where Wallace gets his brains.
Sometime later, a deputy is telling the Fennels that there's nothing he can do -- they're just going to have to get a lawyer and file an eviction notice. Coco snits that Psycho Aidan Quinn won't be out for sixty days even in the best-case scenario. Coincidentally, that's how long this subplot feels already. Wake me up when something happens.
Wallace arrives at the Mars house, and asks if he can crash there, since his house is getting exterminated. Veronica senses something's not right, although Wallace doesn't confess the truth. She asks Keith if he went to see Coco. Keith gives a very diplomatic version of what happened, but at some urging from Veronica, he goes out, presumably to try again. Wallace confesses to Veronica that his mom thinks he's staying at his imaginary friend "Norman"'s. The fact that his mother accepted this without insisting on meeting this Norman or talking to his parents suggests to me that Coco is only too aware of the "imaginary" status of Wallace's friend. Which in turn clearly underscores exactly what she thinks of Veronica. Tough town, Veronica. Tough town. Veronica doesn't get it at first, but Wallace tells her that the "old biddies at the Kane Software rumor mill are filling her head with a lot of garbage." Veronica's typically bitterly amused, and changes the subject to microwave popcorn. Which is never a non sequitur. VMVO: "Does it ever bother me? What people say? Okay, maybe once in a while. Depends who's listening." Despite the unnecessary voice-over, nice scene. It feels weird to have to emphasize that.
Mars Investigations. Keith learns that Psycho Aidan Quinn has a police record. I didn't know "impersonating a shitty actor" was a crime. It goes a long way to explain prison overcrowding, though.
Psycho Aidan Quinn arrives home. Going to his refrigerator (in his MASSIVE kitchen, in his apartment that looks just as nice as the Fennels'), he opens it, and the light reveals that Keith is sitting in the dark drinking something. Keith informs him that he has to have his stuff packed up and out of there by 6 AM, which is six hours hence. PAQ: "Not."
Alarm, 6 AM. PAQ turns it off, and is scared out of his wits to find Keith sitting to his bed. Hey, PAQ, at least it wasn't Adam Goldberg. That would send me straight into therapy. I think Keith set the alarm, which is cool. Keith tells PAQ that it's real nice that he took advantage of a single mom, and accuses PAQ of putting on a big act with acting all crazy. PAQ is all catatonic here, which may seem weird, but I usually see 6 AM from the other side, so I'm not really one to talk. Keith, however, seems at one point like he's going to get into bed with PAQ, and considering he's talking about extreme craziness at the time, it really looks like he might go through with it. Not to mention that he's already addressed PAQ as "big boy." But instead, he barks like a dog and lets out a primal scream and shakes PAQ out of bed. "See, that was crazy." No, Keith, Giving Whoopi Goldberg yet another show is crazy. That was merely acting. With a capital "A." Anyway, Keith tries again with the "you're leaving, now" schtick, and his audience is more receptive this time around, which I guess just means that PAQ is a huge pussy.
Sometime later, PAQ is moving his stuff out as Keith contentedly sips coffee. Again, that's appropriate, because coffee is the thing I couldn't have made it through this subplot without.
Backup 2.0! Veronica and Wallace are getting ready to leave for school when Keith returns. Wallace can't find his keys, and Keith tosses them to him. "The last place you'd think to look." Hee. For once, Veronica is like, "Guh?" Wallace expresses the same sentiment, but it's a lot less novel coming from him.
Veronica's hanging with Mac. I like that Mac's nail polish matches her hair, by the way. Veronica tries to log in to her account, but they discover that someone's already using it. There was debate in the forums over this, and I have to say it doesn't sound realistic that she couldn't get in, but otherwise, they'd have no call to go rushing off to the journalism room. Therein, they find no one, but at the computer in question, Veronica discovers that someone sent Duncan an email from her account telling him that she's still in love with him, and by the way, when they were going out, she had VD. Um, hee. It's mean, but it's also so over the top that there's no way Duncan would ever believe it's genuinely from Veronica, so I find it kind of hilarious. Veronica, however, does not: "Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked." And if Mac is really supposed to be the Willow character, that comment should be stirring feelings she won't really understand for another three seasons or so. Anyway, the blossoming of Sapphism is interrupted by the popping up of an IM that says, "Where'd u go?" and is signed "Froggy," with an appropriate amphibious graphic. We ask that you use proper capitalization and spelling around here, Froggy. It makes your IMs that much easier to mock.
Veronica notes that "Froggy" thinks whomever was impersonating her is still online, and it's pretty sloppy that that person didn't at least sign out of her IM program. Then again, since her handle is "LifeIsABeach," I don't think we're dealing with the most titanic of minds. Veronica asks Froggy if he can get a password for her, and he responds, "Another one?" Oh, Froggy. You are up zee creek, sans paddle...
...because VMVO tells us she followed Froggy, who's obviously Henri, to "the low-rent version of Lovers' Lane: Inspiration Rock Quarry." It's so low-rent, in fact, that there's no one else there. I'd think that was weird, but I guess you have to be extra-careful when you're committing...does anyone know the French for "statutory rape"? Veronica takes a bunch of pictures through the car windows as she says there's something seedy about being the "interruptus in someone else's coitus." I thought the seedy part was taking photos of naked people, but then, I don't write voice-overs for a living.
In the hall at school, VMVO muses over who would have gone after Saint Blonde. She quickly solves the mystery for us by calling Kimmy over and confronting her with the photos, and threatening to make them public. Kimmy admits that she got the passwords from Henri, but says it was Pam who posted the fake Veronica test. "She hates you 'cause Duncan is still hung up on you." Hmm. I wonder if Shelley, the chick who got called the wrong name, told Pam about that, but that's not something I could imagine she'd want to advertise. More likely Duncan told one of his friends and it got out that way. Veronica asks why Kimmy posted the fake Saint Blonde test, and the answer is that Saint Blonde gets everything that she, Kimmy, wants. Veronica sunnily thanks her as she opens her locker to reveal her camera, that's apparently been filming the whole time through the grate in the door. Hee. Veronica asks if it was Henri running the purity test website, but Kimmy denies it. In a badly-dubbed line, Veronica says that Pam and Kimmy aren't smart enough to pull that off, but Kimmy says he doesn't even know what the purity test is. Well, yeah, and there'd be no point in his taking it even if he did. Once you answer yes to "Have you ever committed statutory rape?" and "Are you French?," they pretty much skip you right to the end. Veronica walks off. Kimmy calls after her, "What are you gonna do with that tape?" Hee.
Saint Blonde bustles into the newsroom, hands a tech guy some tape, and sits down to do the show. Veronica and Duncan are in class together. Saint Blonde gives the lead-in for some sports story, but when the tape starts, it's Kimmy. We see the part when she rats out Pam, and talks about Duncan being hung up on Veronica. Duncan raises his eyebrows in surprise, and Veronica's face falls in frustration as VMVO seethes, "Note to self. Cue tape for client." HA! That's what I'm talking about, VMVO. Stick around a while. Saint Blonde looks balefully at Kimmy while the tape continues to roll. When it's done, Pam chews out Kimmy for her inept stalkery ways: "Nice haircut, by the way. Does [Saint Blonde] know you bring her picture to Fantastic Sams?" Well, I may not be a fan of Pam's, but if she's trying to be a bitch, I certainly admire her work ethic. That was cold. Kimmy runs away, and everyone stares at Pam, who's all, "WHAT?" Hee.
In the parking lot, Ugly Owen Wilson is having a spot of car trouble. Veronica walks by and gives him a knowing look as VMVO gives a "you mess with the bull" line that's kind of unnecessary. I mean, we all know that Ugly Owen Wilson is no match for Veronica. We need Logan back, if Weevil doesn't mind returning him for an episode or two. Mac drives by in a shiny new VW Beetle, and Veronica and everyone watching realizes that Mac was the one who cashed in on the purity test. VMVO: "How can I resent someone who took sex-crazed 09ers for their allowance money?" That's true -- it's like a victimless crime. Only with victims. Saint Blonde finds Veronica at her car. Her hair looks a little different, and if that's on purpose, hee. She tells Veronica that all kinds of people are coming up to her now and saying they never believed the stuff about her, even BBB. She does indicate, however, that won't so much be helping BBB shed his moniker anytime soon. Veronica notes that she is not being bombarded with the same apologies, and Saint Blonde suggests it's because people are afraid of her. Veronica: "Then something's working." Heh. But it's precisely the fact that people are afraid of her that made the whole clothes-in-the-toilet thing seem contrived. Saint Blonde thanks Veronica for toughening her up, but suggests that she rethink the getting even strategy. "You do have friends, Veronica." They smile. Aw. Now if only those friends would sign on for more than one episode at a time. Veronica sees Duncan walking with two buddies, hesitates a moment, and then calls his name. She babblingly explains what happened with the email, and says she doesn't have VD, nor is she hung up on him. Duncan unconvincingly tells Veronica that he's not hung up on her anymore either. It's been a long recap when I get to page twelve before I bust out the awkward. Veronica turns to go, but Duncan calls her back, and playfully asks if she really doesn't have VD, because he keeps getting this thing on his lip, and he's not sure where he could have gotten it from, so...Veronica punches him playfully. As the forum posters noted, will the real Duncan Kane please stand up? Because either he's being written differently each week, or he's medicating randomly. Come to think of it, that sounds like it could be fun.
Mars Investigations, Loose Ends Division. Coco enters and tells Keith that PAQ moved out. Did Coco not witness Keith lording his victory over PAQ? Because that was kind of hard to miss. Coco adds that Wallace tells her Keith is to thank. Keith graciously hands her a cup of coffee and tells her that the law works slowly, and that he was worried...for Wallace. Coco apologizes for how awful she was, and says that Keith must be a very decent man. She also implies that the things people say about him are pretty bad. Hey, maybe it's just that they saw the pilot. Coco sips her coffee, and manages to choke out a request for sugar. Hee. Nice form on not spitting it in his face. I guess her attitude toward him really has changed.
So I just took a break to eat dinner, and Galaxy Quest was on TBS. I haven't watched that since I started recapping Veronica Mars, so I flipped it on. Man, I forgot how fucking hilarious Colantoni was in that. "Commander, some of the crew have requested to be present at this HISTORIC event!" If he wanted to convince PAQ he was nuts, he should have just channeled his performance in that role. While wearing the wig, of course. In other Galaxy Quest-related news, I couldn't love Sam Rockwell more if he showed up at my door with a bottle of chianti and an early X-Files marathon.
Oh, right, this last scene. It's not that big a deal, so maybe I'll skip it.
Jeez, calm down! Kidding! Prison. Veronica sits down behind the glass. She picks up the phone to talk to Koontz. As noted in the forums, I don't know how Veronica could have gotten in without ID showing her as Ellen White. Koontz tells Veronica she's a breath of fresh air, and throws her a little test about their hometown, which she passes. He muses that she reminds him of someone he knew a long time ago. I should throw in that Koontz is played by the same actor who played Balthazar in the Buffy episode "Bad Girls," so you know he can bring the creepy. And he's doing exactly that here, as he, as I sort of alluded to earlier, is giving off a kind of Jame Gumb-esque vibe, with the weird accent and the towering over Veronica and the CUCKOO! Watch out for the butterflies, Veronica! She shows him the sneaker pictures, and suggests that they could prove his innocence, or at least force a retrial. Koontz says he's not interested in any such thing, and reveals that he knows who Veronica is, because he used to see Lianne when she came into the office on lunch hours. As he works himself up into a lather, he adds that Veronica isn't Keith's daughter, but Jake's: "Look in a mirror! Are you the product of a schlubby sheriff, or the King and Queen of the prom?" Oy. Look, not to take away from the acting in this scene, because it's top-notch. But the problem is, Lianne and Veronica look nothing alike. And even though that's a pretty major flaw, considering that part of this plot point depends on Koontz recognizing the family resemblance, I could possibly let it go, were it not for the fact that Koontz is pushing the "You don't look like Keith, so you're not his child" argument. Either resemblances matter, or they don't. I mean, by Koontz's argument, Veronica could be the child of Haaron Echolls and Inga from the sheriff's office. (Aside to Rob Thomas: Is that right? You can tell me!) Anyway, having dropped the bomb, Koontz deems the conversation over. Veronica looks stunned. "Who's your daddy," indeed.
Veronica gets into her car, and cries. And cries, and cries. Jeez, Veronica, the car's not that bad. Oh, I'm kidding. Sniff. Fade out.
time: Veronica joins a cult. Does that mean she meets her fans?