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In flashbacks, we watch Nadia's centuries-long search for her mother. In the present, Nadia truly is dying from werewolf venom poisoning, so I guess Ty really did nip her during their tussle. Am I supposed to feel sorry for Nadia and Katherine? I feel nothing for them at all. I'm not even particularly moved when Katherine gives her dying daughter a vision of their perfect day together.
To do that, of course, Katherine has to come to Mossy Manse, where the Fellowship of the Falls is ready to gank her with the Traveler's knife that will kill her and free Elena from being imprisoned in a Katherine-controlled body. It's Stefan, naturally, who does the deed. Meanwhile, Matt decides Nadia -- the girl who stole his ring, helped her boyfriend hijack his body, helped Katherine hijack Elena's body and compelled him to pieces -- deserves a proper burial. That's when I check out.
When Elena finally wakes, she finds a toy surprise tucked inside her jacket. It's an empty vial of what I believe is Vampire-Ripper juice, now with added werewolf venom. No, I know that makes no sense. Let's save that for the recap, though. Meanwhile, Katherine tries to pass through Bonnie to the Other Side, but can't. She gets dragged off to wherever by a violent wind.
Some viewers are a bit miffed, because it seems Katherine is dragged off to Hell while other beasties like Kol got a free pass to Other Sidedom. I'm not sure that's what's going on. Qetsiyah/Tessa created the Other Side, where dead supernaturals go. I'm pretty sure she didn't want any of What's Her Name's doppelgängers camping in her afterlife neighborhood. Since Q was powerful enough to create the Other Side, I bet she was powerful enough to set the rules of admittance.
In other news, Caroline tells Tyler to get over it or get out of her life. Good luck with that, Care Bear. I've been saying it to the lot of you for months and you refuse to do either. I do appreciate the coming week off, though.
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're trying to talk some sense into Matty Blue.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Northern Europe, 1520. Nadia Petrova approaches a Tudor Revival style home, during the actual Tudor architectural period, because this show had Vikings and horses in Virginia a thousand years ago, so why the hell not. She tells the man who answers the door that she's looking for "Katrina" Petrova, who was last seen outside London in 1492. In the present day, Nadia dreams about that night and talks in her sleep.
Nadia: I need to know why she abandoned me.
Katherine: Hey, I did not abandon you. You were ripped from my arms, which is a whole different vibe. I won't let you die, kiddo. You can take that to the bank. I promise and everything.
Nadia: So you're going to ask Klaus for some of his blood.
Katherine: Let's not get crazy, here. Have you met my good friend, Dr. Wes Maxfield? He'll study your blood.
Wes: S'up?
Nadia: Get away from me.
Katherine: Let the creepy, torture doc take care of you.
Wes: Listen to your mother. I'll study your blood, identify the werewolf toxin and use it to make my vampire-eating ripper serum even more cracktastic. Oh, and I'll totally create an antidote to cure your problem, because as everyone knows, I live to serve vampire-kind.
Nadia: If I'd known dying would drag your attention from Stefan, I'd have done this a long time ago.
Katherine: I'm going to be a better mother, starting right now, for the 35 minutes you have left.
Title card.
Damon (locked up in the Mossy Manse dungeon): Katherine is brilliant.
Stefan: For weeks, we thought Katherine was Elena. You blew up your entire life, in reaction to Katherine's shenanigans, and that's all you're going to say?
Damon: I'm trying to figure out why you'd tell a starving vampire eating ripper that his nemesis is walking around, alive and well, while I'm chained up in the dungeon.
Stefan: I've got everything under control
Audience: That should end well.
Mossy Manse Parlor
Matt: Wait, so Katherine is walking around in Elena's hot little bod? How did I not know this?
Audience: Thanks to over-compulsion, calling your brain mashed potatoes is an insult to mashed potatoes. Stay pretty, Pudding Pop.
Caroline: Hey, I have a whole lot of exposition to spew.
Recapper: The audience is shrinking, not growing. Those of us who are left don't need your recap inside of my recap.
Caroline: But we're on speaker phone with Bonnie, and Jeremy, who spends more time at Whitmore College than he does at Mystic Falls High. Do you want their exposition?
Recapper: Nope. .
Tyler: So, how do we kill the bitch?
Stefan: With that handy dandy traveler knife.
Matt: That I just happen to have.
Readers: That Katherine Fricking Pierce never bothered to order Nadia retrieve from her compelled companion. Ugh.
Recapper: And that, my loves, is why we're skipping most of the exposition.
Caroline: Okay, so we need to lure Katherine to us.
Tyler: Might be difficult, on account of I think I nipped her daughter.
Matt: What? You fiend.
Audience: Hush, Potato Head.
Caroline: Okay, so we'll throw an Event o' the week that "Elena" would never miss -- an early, surprise birthday party for Bonnie.
Bonnie: Crap. I wanted a spa day.
Katherine: Sorry, would you believe than I'm arranging Aaron Whitmore's funeral?
Caroline: No, but I'll pretend I do and make Bonnie call you.
Bonnie: Hi, "Elena." I'm wiped from studying and transporting Russian witches to the Other Side. Coffee date?
Katherine: Sorry, at this very moment, I'm at the day spa, getting you a gift certificate for your birthday. Surprise!
Bonnie: Why do I want to get Elena back, again?
Nadia: Why are my mother and I in an empty warehouse, instead of one of our usual hotel rooms?
Recapper: This will not be your strangest location of the hour.
Damon: Back at Mossy Manse, Stefan gives me four measly ounces of his blood.
Stefan: Hey, you said one vampire kept you going for eight hours, so Caroline did the math.
Damon: Caroline?
Stefan: Relax. She had a calculator.
Audience: Ha!
Paul Wesley: *Bows*
Stefan: Four ounces, thrice daily should be just enough to manage the hunger, so you don't rip off anyone's head. We'll deal with your crisis after we get Elena back.
Damon: How about letting me out, so I can force Wes to give me the antidote?
Stefan: And leave me to clean up your mess, once Elena comes back. No siree, Bob. Hey, your phone's ringing. It's "Elena."
Katherine: So Damon, maybe you and I should talk.
Damon: Sure, c'mon over.
Stefan: But she's been dodging everyone else.
Damon: She totally knows.
Katherine: (to Nadia) They know.
Audience: Finally, everyone knows everything.
Sponsors: A word.
After the break, we find ourselves in France, in the year 1720.
Nadia: I'm dreaming of the never ending search for my mother. When I wake, I'm laying on a church pew.
Recapper: Dear Hollywood, a church is not a great hideout. Churches are not only open on Sundays. The minister/priest usually has an office there, where he or she works on sermons/homilies, counsels people, etc. There is usually at least one secretary and janitor at work. Churches often also open themselves up for things like A.A. meetings, pre-schools, daycare, senior clubs, and other community groups. People are coming and going, all day, every day. Get out and live a little, writers.
Katherine: I'm hiding you here, Nadia, until Wes finds a way to heal you.
Nadia: You should leave now, while you can. There's no point in trying to save me.
Katherine: I didn't raise you to be a quitter.
Recapper: You didn't raise her. Period.
Readers: Since we're reading, that reads like: You didn't raise her, period, period, period.
Recapper: I know. I'm sorry. There's no good way to do it. I went back and forth on whether or not to add the "Period."
Readers: S'okay, let's move it along.
Katherine: As soon as you're better, we're leaving, together.
Naked Eyes: You gave me promises, promises...
Caroline: Over at Mossy Manse, I fret to Stefan about how we've blown our only advantage. How will we find Katherine?
Damon: Locator spell, duh.
Bonnie: Jeremy and I approach Liv, the White Witch, to do another locator spell for us.
Audience: Why is White Witch bobbing and jerking like that?
Recapper: She acts like she's auditioning for a remake of The Craft.
Once Upon A Time Fans: Her jacket and hair remind us of Emma. Damn, now we wish we were watching that.
Recapper: Me, too. I can't wait to get back to work on my recap of "New York City Serenade," so let's not stretch this out.
Once Upon A Time Fans: Deal.
Bonnie: Please just note that this bitch is eying my jailbait.
Tyler: I'm just outside the Mossy Manse dungeon cell, babysitting Damon.
Damon: This should be easy. Hey, Tyler, Why are you still here? Your family is dead. I don't see you getting a job at the Grill or going back to Whitmore. Something tells me you still think you have a chance with Caroline, even though she hit the nuclear button on your relationship. I mean, tell me, how do you feel about Caroline hooking up with the monster who tormented us forever, slaughtered the pack of hybrids you were trying so desperately to free, and then killed your mother?
Tyler: Why I oughtta!
Damon: Munch! Hybrid blood is chock full of nutrients. I can easily break these chains, now. Ta da!
Tyler: *Gets knocked out*
Audience: That's two times in many weeks that old vampire has beaten young hybrid.
Recapper: Tyler's statement in "No Exit," aside, I can't even remember if that should be possible, or not.
Audience: But shouldn't Stefan have kept Damon dosed up on enough vervain that he never should have been able to best another supernatural, regardless of who is canonically stronger?
Recapper: Yep.
Sponsors: A word.
Caroline: Oh my God, Tyler. Damon fed on you. How did this happen?
Tyler: He knew exactly what to say, to piss me off.
Caroline: I'm going to take silent offense at what you just said, even though you didn't say anything about me, and you're just telling the truth.
Stefan: What the hell happened?
Tyler: I think he went to find Wes.
Jeremy: Back at Bonnie's dorm room, White Witch is setting up to do the spell, when she asks for my hand.
White Witch: Hey, he's Elena's brother, that makes him blood.
Bonnie: Actually, he's her cousin. Long story.
White Witch: Still blood. I really just want to play patty fingers with him.
Bonnie: Repeat after me. Face Matt toes. Tree bum. Nasty bare ass. Sangria excretum.
White Witch: Face Matt toes. Tree bum. Nasty bare ass. Sangria excretum. I've got nothing. Hey, Jeremy, does Elena look anything like you?
Jeremy: Same color hair.
White Witch: Are her eyes as pretty? Wink wink nudge nudge.
Bonnie: Standing right exactly here!
Jeremy: I don't know what's funnier, White Witch's brazen come on, or Bonnie's jealousy.
White Witch: Face Matt toes. Tree bum. Nasty bare ass. Sangria excretum. Got it! Does your sister spend a lot of time at church?
Jeremy: Unlike the writers, she's been inside one, at least once.
Recapper: Given all the loved ones you've buried, she's probably clocked more pew time, than classroom time.
Nadia: I'm staring at a statue of the blessed Virgin Mary, and a young child, then my own mother comes into view. They're so alike.
Recapper: Ugh.
Katherine: I have to go check on Wes. He's taking too long.
Audience: How does Katherine even know where Wes's secret lab is? Should she?
Recapper: I don't care.
Audience: Fine. You don't have to be so touchy about it.
Wes: I'm just capping a syringe of the latest iteration of my vampire cuckoo juice, when who should appear, but...
Damon: Me! What's up, doc? I rib him for a moment, figuratively, then I demand the cuckoo juice antidote.
Wes: If you stop feeding on your friends and resume feasting on the blood of innocents, are you really going to impress Elena Gilbert?
Damon: You did this to me.
Wes: You did it. I simply held up the mirror.
Recapper: So we're all clear now, the writers have just told us that Damon, the character they slowly improved in a believable way, over time, never grew a single iota.
Audience: Crystal.
Damon: Now I rib Wes, literally. At least I stick my hand in his chest. I throw him onto a table and start slicing up his eyes. How do you like it?
Wes: Not very much.
Nadia: Languishing alone in the church, I dream of the time I slept with Matt and his blonde Original, who is not in the flashback, because she's on another show, um, I mean, in the shower or something. Realizing Matt's not on vervain, I compel him, then steal Rebekah's earrings and Matt's ring.
Recapper: And you exposit that's so you'll have an excuse to see him again.
Nadia: Finally, after five centuries, I've met someone who can help me find my mother. And here I thought Rebekah was going to be my Katherine connection.
Recapper: Did any of you have that Are You My Mother? book by P.D. Eastman, when you were a kid? I think I still have my copy. During all of Nadia's flashback dreams, I keep picturing her as that stupid baby bird, which kills any chance that her search is going to resonate with me. Sorry, Show.
Nadia: Dying here.
Recapper: Who cares?
Nadia: Did someone just Stealth Salvatore past me?
Katherine: I find Wes, but he's a little dead to be of any use to me. My phone rings. It's my daughter. Nadia, I'm coming back to the church, right now.
Stefan: Nadia doesn't have much time left, Katherine.
Katherine: I pretend to be a confused Elena, and I'm not sure why I'm wasting my time doing so, since scenes ago, I already figured out that they already figured me out.
Recapper: There, there, Kiki, it's just the script. We're not blaming you.
Katherine: Prove you have her. Put Nadia on the phone.
Nadia: Katherine, run!
Stefan: That is what you do best, but if you want to see her before she dies, come to Mossy Manse.
Sponsors: A word.
Target: It's bathing suit shopping season. Wear to nothing on your puffy winter bodies, under our unflattering fluorescent lights.
Audience: Screw you.
Matt: I bring Nadia a pillow, sit by her side, and hold her hand.
Audience: He's pretty sentient, for a Potato Head.
Matt: I can't believe I'm asking this, but can we go back to Pudding Pop? Or Matty Blue, I'm okay with that.
Recapper: Not right now, Potato Head.
Nadia: Gregor, I'm sorry I betrayed you.
Matt: Hello, I'm Potato Head.
Nadia: Gregor, forgive me?
Matt: Why have I not left town?
Nadia: I did it for my mother. I did everything for her.
Matt: I know you did.
Nadia: Forgive me.
Matt: I forgive you.
Nadia: I don't want to die.
Audience: We can tell, by the way you're taking your sweet time.
Nadia: Bonnie, what's going to happen when I die?
Bonnie: I'll take your hand and you'll go to the Other Side.
Nadia: Will it hurt?
Bonnie: You? Not so much.
Katherine: I want to see my daughter!
Everyone: She's right there.
Nadia: You came back for me. Did you find a way to save me?
Katherine: I won't leave, again. Klaus's blood would have saved you, had I been arsed to ask for it.
Nadia: You would have outed yourself.
Recapper: Keep telling yourself that, writers. The Katherine we know -- the one who evaded Klaus for centuries -- never would have concocted such a cockamamie scheme in which she asked a doctor, dedicated to wiping out vampires, to save her vampire daughter. She would have called Elijah, pretended to be Elena, and asked for some of Klaus's blood, for a friend.
Readers: It's true.
Katherine: Well, it's too late, now.
Nadia: My mother's name is Katherine. I'm looking for her. She's a liar and a murderer. She manipulates. She betrays. She will do anything to survive.
Katherine: No, I'm right here. Look at me.
Nadia: I'm looking for my mother.
Katherine: Your life should not have been five hundred years of searching for a mother who ended up being me.
Audience: Whose should?
Katherine: Shhh. You're stepping on my touching scene.
Recapper: Yeah, much like Damon did for Rose, Katherine compels Nadia to experience a psychic perfect day. She's a little girl. After making a fort in the woods, Katherine tucks her in and kisses her goodnight.
Katherine: Can't I tell it?
Recapper: Nope. I'm not playing into this manipulative scene.
Nadia: I start desiccating, or whatever that effect is.
Recapper: Let's stick with desiccating. Nobody really cares.
Katherine: Your mother loves you.
Recapper: Only slightly less than she loves herself.
Tyler: What I don't understand is why nobody asked for a sample of my blood, on the off chance that it isn't only Original Hybrid blood that can cure werewolf venom poisoning.
Recapper: You didn't offer, either.
Tyler: It isn't in the script.
Recapper: Blah.
Nadia: My spirit passes through Bonnie. She's right. It didn't hurt.
Bonnie: You. It didn't hurt you. OUCH!
Sponsors: A word.
Katherine: I close Nadia's eyes, and cover her with a blanket, then try to Stealth Salvatore out of Mossy Manse, but Damon is just outside the door. He never lays a hand on me, so I don't know why I don't push him out of the way and keep going.
Tyler: It's the script. Cindy's totally right. I mean, it wouldn't have been so bad if you didn't try to run. It's that you tried to run, then gave up so easily. Not to mention, since Nadia was already compelling the hell out of Potato Head, why didn't she compel him to give her the knife, as soon as Katherine hijacked Elena? This story sucks.
Katherine: Now it's time to lash out at everyone. Who has the knife that's going to be my death sentence? Is it you, Tyler, who was a nobody until I triggered your inner wolf? Caroline, no way are you going to kill me. I made you better by turning you. Oh, Potato Head, I'm the one girl here who appreciates how beautiful you are. You wouldn't stab me in the heart, would you, Matty Blue? You will definitely go down as the best night I never had. Little Gilbert, it was nice to have a brother for a second there, when you weren't being annoying. Bonbon, I'll catch you on the flip side. Damon, you'd love nothing more than to drive the blade through me.
Damon: We've already done this, Kitty Kat.
Katherine: I never got to say what I needed to say to you. I'm sorry... you blame me for who you are. I'm sorry... that I turned you. I'm sorry... that you didn't get to die bloody, on a battlefield. I'm sorry... that your father didn't get to live another day to be disgraced by you. Damon, I'm sorry that I gave your life purpose, passion, drive, desire. Damon, I'm sorry you are who you are, because I'm the one who taught you to love.
Damon: I'll see you in Hell, Katherine.
Audience: SPOILERS!
Katherine: Stefan, I always wondered what it would be like to be loved by you. You've got to admit for one fleeting moment, your feelings were real. This truly has been the role of a lifetime.
Recapper: You know, Nina Dobrev has rocked the multiple roles, but that line just completely took me out of the story.
Katherine: Hush. My swan song. I'm singing it. Anyhow, Stefan, I love you. I've always loved you. *Kiss*
Stefan: *Kiss* *Stab*
Recapper: Hooray!
Katherine: I guess this is how our love story ends.
Recapper: Katherine collapses on the floor, in front of the couch where her daughter lies. She pulls the blanket off of Nadia's face, in the process. She struggles for a moment. Her eyes go black. There's some whispering witchy sound effects, and then she is gone. The camera pans from her face to Nadia's.
Sponsors: Our last word.
Jeremy: After the break, I find Matt, alone, keeping vigil over Nadia's body. Hey, Potato Head, Stefan said we should bury her in the woods.
Matt: Screw that. She deserves better.
Recapper: So, you're gonna do what, Spuds? Contact the local funeral home, and purchase a grave and headstone?
Readers: He's probably just going to dig a hole at the local cemetery.
Recapper: And that's better than burying her in the woods, how?
Jeremy: Need some help?
Recapper: Yes!
Jeremy: I was talking to the tuber.
Matt: No, I've got this.
Audience: Now that Katherine and Nadia are dead, shouldn't Matt be remembering everything they compelled him to forget?
Recapper: I think so, but...
Readers: She doesn't care.
Damon: Why isn't Elena waking up?
Stefan: When Gregor vacated Matt, it took Matt a while to wake, too. That gives me time to rub in what you did, even though you never did that to me, when I ripped people up and put them back together, and I wasn't even infected by a mad scientist's cuckoo juice. That's just my true nature. So, what's the plan?
Damon: I'll tell Elena everything I did.
Stefan: Optimistic.
Damon: No, I just don't want to be another Katherine Pierce, running from my problems, and dying all alone.
Tyler: Outside, Caroline and I are leaning against the hood of Damon's sweet ride.
Caroline: Is it wrong that I feel...
Tyler: Victorious?
Caroline: Sad. I know Katherine was a horrible person, but...
Tyler: You see the good in people.
Caroline: I've never been so offended in my whole life. Your hybrid bite just killed someone, and no one even batted an eye.
Recapper: That's because he accidentally nipped her, while trying to save your life, Care Bear. You know the drill. We only feel guilty about a kill, if we care about the victim.
Caroline: I sleep with the wrong guy weeks ago, and I don't hear the end of it. How is that fair?
Recapper: Other than Tyler, who has given you crap? Stefan practically threw you a party. And honestly, Tyler hasn't given you that much guff, other than the time you forced him to talk about it, when he warned you he needed space.
Tyler: I don't know, Care. Maybe people just expect more from you.
Caroline: Why, because being good comes so easy to me? Guess what. It doesn't. I'm a vampire. I have the same impulses as you, so I'm allowed to make some mistakes along the way. Yes, I slept with Klaus, but after you walked away from me. That was my choice and I'm living with it. I don't need to be hearing about it, every five seconds. So just get over it, or get out of my life, but I'm done feeling guilty.
Recapper: The problem isn't that you slept with someone after you broke up with Tyler. Granted, he'd be jealous, no matter who you chose. The problem isn't even that you slept with someone Tyler hates. Your sex life is no longer his concern. The problem is, you slept with the thing that tortured you all for seasons, used Tyler as a slave (and ordered him to bite you), killed all the hybrids Tyler was working so hard to free, and then murdered his mother. There's no way doing the guy who offed your ex's mom can feel like anything other than a giant fuck you to him, Caroline, no matter whether you intended it to feel that way, or not. Damon nailed it. You chose the nuclear option, and now you're surprised that there is fallout.
Readers: We see what you did there.
Recapper: Not to mention, just last week (which was yesterday, in your world), you told Tyler you didn't expect him to get over it right away. Sadly, I didn't include the quote in that recap. Then later, when you were alone with Stefan, you said Stefan was right. You brought this on yourself, and you'd have to deal with the consequences. Now, the very night, you're all get over it or get out of my life. You're acting like you're being slut shamed, when what's really going on is that you're noticing that Tyler is hurt and offended. You're allowed your sexual choice, but he's not allowed his emotions. Screw you, Caroline. I remember when I was tired of how you were so awesome. Oh, to return to those days.
Tyler: Uh, Cindy, thanks for that, but Caroline already swanned off, about five minutes ago.
Recapper: I know, damn it. I just had to get that off my chest.
Bonnie: For some reason, I'm at the church where Katherine was "hiding" Nadia.
Contrivance Fairy: You're welcome.
Bonnie: Even though I've never shown any religious inclination, I light a candle in memory of my dad.
Contrivance Fairy: You're welcome, again.
Katherine's Ghost: You've got to be kidding me. Something tells me I'm five centuries behind on believing in a higher power thing.
Bonnie: Well, you're here. That means you're really dead.
Audience: And that means you should have figured out, weeks ago, that Katherine hijacked someone's body.
Bonnie: Katherine spews her sob story about us being harsh, in using her dying daughter against her. Then there's blah about Stefan, and blah about Elena.
Recapper: In a flashback to Wes's hideout, Katherine smashes up the lab a little, instead of searching for a werewolf antidote. Then she listens to Wes's taped notes.
Voice of Wes: I've managed to extract werewolf venom from Nadia Petrova's blood. The addition of venom will make the ripper virus even more lethal to vampires.
Audience: There's a problem, here. Werewolves inject their venom into vampires (via their fangs), and said venom kills the vampires. Wes is adding it to his cuckoo juice, which should kill this vampire-eating ripper vampires. Where is the logic in that?
Recapper: It works as well as the vervain rules on this show.
Katherine: Anyhow, Wes was just using Nadia as a case study. He didn't intend to save her.
Recapper: We cut to Mossy Manse. Stefan and Damon are watching over Elena when she wakes up, and is really Elena, again. Hooray!
Elena: Hey, what's this empty syringe doing in my jacket?
Bonnie: Back at the church, Katherine is still whining about how Elena had the life she always wanted.
Recapper: There's a lot of blabbing, but it amounts to this. Katherine injected Elena's body with the new werewolf venom iteration of his cuckoo juice.
Katherine: Nadia was the only person in this world who really loved me, and I wasn't about to let my daughter die alone, but Katherine Pierce wasn't about to go gentle, either.
Recapper: I was trying to skip the gabby bits.
Katherine: If I can't have Stefan, then no one can. Now, it's time for me to pass to the Other Side. Hey, why aren't you letting me cross over?
Bonnie: This hasn't happened before. I don't know what's going on. I don't control this. It's not up to me.
Katherine: Then who is it up to?
Recapper: A wild wind blows through the closed church.
Contrivance Fairy: You're gonna love this.
Wind: I pull Katherine backwards, down the aisle of the church and off to somewhere that is certainly not the Other Side.
Satan: Shit. Why do I feel like I'd better update my resume?
After the show takes a week off, I'll be back with coverage of "While You Were Sleeping." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're pouring some gravy on Matt's brain.