We Suck

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Thanks to Bonnie, White Witch Liv has locked Elena in their Spring-Break empty dorm. Meanwhile, Damon is still a prisoner in the Mossy Manse Dungeon. They talk, and angst, and whatever.

Thanks to Katherine's last willful act, Elena has been infected with the Ripper Virus + Bonus. The bonus is, she's dying of werewolf venom. The Fellowship of the Falls (mostly Stefan and Caroline) flails about for the entire episode, trying to get the antidote from the Travelers. The problem is, the Travelers need Stefan to find his other current doppelgänger. What? No. I don't get it, either.

Eventually, Elena and Damon break the ties that bind and make their way to each other. He promptly tells her she should stop loving him. Just as promptly, she tells him she can't. In other news, White Witch Liv has a brother -- a gay brother -- and they have a gay agenda, which we can find posted in the gay lobby.

I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're trying not to suck.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Welcome to my recap of this loathsome vehicle, populated with loathsome characters who do loathsome things in particularly loathsome ways. You remember. It used to be The Vampire Diaries. It's my own damned fool fault I find myself in this position. See, I never watched Dexter (and won't now watch Hannibal) because I didn't (and don't) want to watch shows where I'm rooting for killers. It's just a thing I have. I think they call it a conscience, but I've been lost in the amoral universe of The Vampire Diaries for so long, that you probably shouldn't quote me.

It's not like I've never rooted for a fictional character who has committed murder (or many murders). Heck, one of my favorite shows is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but on Buffy, the core characters were heroic (although sometimes they did abominable things -- I'm looking at you, Willow). The villains who got to stick around, well, they found themselves on the (admittedly, I'm looking at you Spike, Angel, and Faith) rocky road to redemption. Sure they fell off sometimes, and hell, sometimes they leapt off, but at least they knew there was a damned road.

The Vampire Diaries is different. It's moral relativism at its yuckiest: Other people only matter if we care about them. If and when we don't, they are fair game. So here's what I have to do: get the hell over it. I need to recap this show for what it is -- a suckfest of vampires, sucking the lives out of any and all they meet, for suck's sake, and then evaluate it on that basis. You ready? Okay.

We open in a bar. Jeremy, Bonnie, Caroline, and Matt are standing around a table pounding shots and smiling, as they watch Elena Gilbert up on the bar, dancing. Elena's really getting into it. She even strips off her shirt. Calm down, boobie hounds, she's wearing a tank under it. Still, that doesn't stop Matt from hollering, "Take it off." Elena's friends all agree she's just having fun and it's about time. When Jeremy brings her a shot, Elena raises it high and toasts to friends.

Her tone does a rapid 180 as she asks if she's so easy to impersonate, or if the problem is her friends don't know her at all. "You think I would come to a college bar with my underage brother and do tequila shots?" You're underage, Elena, which to be fair, isn't your fault. It's the damned writers fault. They made the first four seasons take about two years. You should be 21 or 22 by now, honey. Anyhow, none of this is worth transcribing, except to say that Elena starts telling her friends that Katherine has taken over her body. This is, of course, a panic dream.

Elena wakes in her dorm and looks around. Out in the hall and then the common room, she calls out, "Hello," but no one answers. Finally Stefan arrives and tells her the whole school has gone on Spring Break, but she's been in and out of it since she "woke up" (from being possessed by Katherine). When Elena tries to go to Stefan, she slams into an invisible, magical barrier. It seems the Fellowship of the Falls had to seal her into the building. Stefan tells her, "We have a lot of catching up to do." Understatement. Title card.

Elena tells Stefan the last thing she remembers is flashing back on Katherine's whole life, even as she ran from Nadia and whoever that was. , Elena saw Damon, fell into his arms, and that's all she can remember. Stefan tells her that was three weeks ago. Elena's a bit taken aback that she was gone for three weeks, but it only took Katherine a second to infect her with a virus that will make her want to kill all her friends.

Stefan's all, You know Katherine. Blah. He explains that their new witch, Liv (aka White Witch), is the one who sealed Elena in the dorm. Caroline is out looking for a Ripper Virus antidote, and they've figured out how to ration enough vampire blood to keep Elena from desiccating. Well, that's not true, he says it's enough to keep her "satiated," but since the vampire-craving Ripper Virus makes a vampire-craving Ripper insatiable, that's not what he means. Dear Writers: Dictionary.com, check it out. Anyhow, Elena just HAS to talk to Damon.

Damon is still chained up in the Mossy Manse dungeon. A smirky Jeremy and Matt are babysitting him and aren't above busting his balls. Jeremy and Matt can abuse Damon all they want for all I care. Heaven knows he has it coming, especially with these two. Jeremy makes that clear, and Matt gets in a dig about Aaron Whitmore. Damon assures them he's going to tell Elena, and if either of them does so before he gets the chance, he'll huff, puff and blow their houses down. Wait, no. That's a wolf thing. Oh, then he'll just suck some more.

Speaking of suck, Elena calls and talks to Jeremy for a moment, but then Damon acts like an overtired toddler with a wet diaper, until he gets the phone. Matt and Jeremy head out of the dungeon cell to give the love bats some privacy. Damon's happy to hear Elena is still symptom free. Then they get cutesy about the virus and the blood rationing that is the "Damon diet." Elena is calling from a dorm pay phone, because Katherine put a passcode on her cell. Oh well then, it's no wonder Katherine was sucked into Hell. Wait 'til Stefan meets Kiki there, because he THREW OUT ELENA'S CELL PHONE that time.

Elena asks how Katherine (as Elena) broke his heart. That's how she words it, too. She doesn't ask how Katherine broke up with him, she says the words "break your heart." Damon: "I don't know. It's not like it's been playing on a loop, over and over in my head, so I don't really remember." Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? Once upon a time, I would have, but first of all, he now knows Elena didn't dump him, and second of all, he went out and killed an innocent kid in a fit of pique. Die in a fire, Damon. Hmm, I wonder if I can give Enzo some matches and then just sit back and watch the sparks. (Sorry.)

Elena says the last thing she remembers is running into Damon's arms and feeling safe. All she wanted is to fight for him. She still does. Damon says once they are cured of this virus, he's going to hunt her down and screw her brains out. Well, his words are prettier, but only slightly. Elena just wonders how they'll get the cure. We cut to...

Wes's Secret Lab, which is no longer secret, nor Wes's, on account of Wes being dead. Caroline digs around, looking for antidote. She plays Wes's tape recorder and hears that he's added werewolf venom to the vampire-craving Ripper Virus, just for an extra kick. Caroline gasps, then she turns with a start when she hears Enzo say, "So, werewolves are real. I always thought that was, you know, a joke." Have you heard of hybrids, mate?

Enzo introduces himself. He and Caroline banter. He assures her he's there for the same reason she is -- he wants the virus out of their lives. Caroline gets judge-y about Enzo wanting his murder buddy back. Enzo calls her on it. Hey, as murderers go, I'm liking Enzo better than any of the vampires on this show. Okay "like" is the wrong word. I'm enjoying him, though.

When Enzo tweaks Caroline about hearing she has a thing for accents, she gets all huffy and tells him to stay out of it. "We don't need any more problems." There, we agree. As Caroline is about to swoop out of the lab, Enzo calls after her: "And you're not the least bit impressed that I have the antidote?" We cut back to...

Whitmore Dorm/Mossy Manse: Elena and Damon are still at their respective lock-in locations and still on the phone laughing about Katherine sitting through college lectures. When Elena wonders if she's flunking out of school, Damon assures her Katherine probably compelled some poor sucker to slave away at Elena's assignments over Spring Break. Elena says, "Let's add that to the list of things I need to fix, starting with Aaron." Damon tries to discourage Elena, by telling her she probably won't find Aaron, but doesn't give her a straight answer as to why. Awkward.

Damon is temporarily saved, when Stefan returns to the dorm with a new phone for Elena. She promises Damon she'll call him right back, and hangs up the pay phone, only to lose her balance. Stefan tells her she's starving and gives her four ounces of his blood, to help her curb the cravings. I have a theory about this virus, not that it matters (or will by the time this episode is complete), but Elena hasn't had any cravings. So, she's a little weak. So what? Tell her to get her ass to bed until you find a cure. Perhaps she won't have any vampire blood cravings unless and until she's directly confronted with vampire blood. Perhaps it would have been better to give her human blood to keep her from desiccating. Perhaps I shouldn't waste your time or mine, because the show is not going there. Elena gulps down Stefan's little bottle (not a euphemism), and says, "Ah, I need more." Stefan apologizes, but Elena again asks for more and tries to convince him that she can handle this and is fine, so he opens up his wrist and she turns into a ravenous, snarling beast. "You're not fine, Elena." You know he's thinking, "But you sure are foine." Commercial.

After the break Elena cries and whines to Stefan and rages about Katherine and then about herself. Things go from bad to worse, when Caroline calls and informs Stefan that Elena got a different strain of the virus than Damon, so they'll need a different cure for her. She also explains why, but we already freaking sat through that, so do I have to care? Do you?

Off Enzo's signal, Caroline tells Stefan there is an antidote for Elena's ill, but to get it Stefan has to come meet her. She'll text him the address. "And don't ask me why, 'cause I can't tell you." Stefan says he's not going anywhere until she tells him what's up. Caroline sighs and looks at Enzo. "The Travelers don't want anyone to know what they're up to, and by anyone..." she means Liz, but I don't feel like transcribing her stilted lines. She tells Stefan to get to the texted address, quickly.

Once the call has ended, Stefan tells Elena he'll see her soon. Before he leaves, Elena wants to know why Katherine didn't run this time. Stefan says, "She wanted it all." By all he means himself and Elena knows it. Elena asks, "Did we ever..." Stefan acknowledges that they kissed. "And then I pulled away. And I put it together. She wasn't you."

AUDIENCE: Excuse you. Then you pulled away. Then you two found Damon. Then Katherine-as-Elena enticed Damon to kill her, in an effort to get you to kill Damon. Then later, Damon had to point THAT out to you. Then later still, Caroline and you started talking everything over. THEN you put it together. There. We fixed it for you, Stefan.

STEFAN: Shhh, I'm trying to score points with my ex who is the love of both my life and my bother's.

RECAPPER: Dear Editorial, please stet that bother's typo.

Bonnie and White Witch Liz are at some bar and apparently White Witch works there, because she's filling the salt shakers. Liz crows about how "rad" it is that she was able to lock vampire Elena in her dorm, when she's but a newbie witch. Clearly, this conversation is meant to smack us upside the head with evidence that there's no way White Witch is a n00b. Bonnie lays down a line of salt and tells White Witch to light it afire. White Witch fails -- probably on purpose.

Elena, who promised to call Damon right back, once she had her new phone, instead calls Aaron. Of course she only reaches his voice mail, on account of the fact that he's pushing up daisies. Don't hold your breath for a callback, Elena. It's now that stuff gets funny. Elena stumbles upon Katherine's bragging entries in her (Elena's) diary. There's stuff about getting grease on her shirt and the hotel with Stefan. Elena hallucinates a version of Stefan's alone time with Katherine, but it's imagination, not memory, which is too bad. It would be interesting to watch Elena look back on what really did happen between Stefan and Katherine as a prisoner in her own mind.

Once things get hot and heavy, Dream Katherine turns into Dream Elena, pushes off Stefan and tells him she's Elena and that Katherine is seducing him. "This isn't me, Stefan. Can't you tell? After everything we've been through, I wouldn't lead you on like that." Dream Elena opens the hotel room door to find Damon who walks in and chides Stefan for falling for Katherine's crap. Dream Elena orders the boys to stop their arguing. "Even dead, [Katherine's] ruining our lives." Dream Stefan says, "Oh, you think this is bad. You have no idea, do you?" Real Elena snaps out of it, before Dream Stefan can answer her. Her nose is bleeding. Blood drips down onto the Katherine scribed diary entry. Elena looks in the mirror and asks what's happening to herself. We cut to some old...

Rail Yard. Caroline and Stefan talk about Damon and Elena (if and when he'll tell her he killed Aaron Whitmore) as they walk to meet the Travelers. Enzo appears behind them and says he can tell Elena, since he's the one who lied in the road to make Aaron stop his car. They snipe back and forth about Enzo's motives in helping, versus Damon's questionable capacity for friendship, until they're surrounded by Sloan and her No Star Traveling Band.

There's exposition about Wes. Enzo and Sloan's story is that when Wes and the Travelers rescued Enzo from Damon, Enzo agreed he'd owe Wes one. He let Wes experiment on him, and that's how Wes developed the antidote to the regular vampire-craving Ripper Virus. Sloan and her No Star Traveling Band are using Wes's resources to develop an antidote for the werewolf venom strain of vampire-craving Ripper Virus infecting Elena. All they want in return is another Stefan. "Who doesn't?" asks Caroline. No, I made that up. Commercial.

READERS: Cindy, why aren't you doing one of those script style recaps, this week? I mean, you've put in a couple of lines here and there (and now here), but that's it.

RECAPPER: Frankly, my first and second impression of this episode was that it is a hot mess and a waste of time. In an effort to be fair (which is what my opening paragraphs were about -- acknowledging that, now that I know what this is, I realize TVD isn't the sort of show I'd choose to watch), I'm trying to give it less glib coverage, this week, and see what I end up with.

READERS: How's that working out for you, so far?

RECAPPER: I might be developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my right hand.

READERS: So, Worker's Comp Claim?

RECAPPER: Sadly, no. I freelance.

TUBEY: Muhahahahahaha.

After the break, we return to the Whitmore/Mossy Manse Telephone Party Line. Elena has told Damon about the werewolf venom addition to her vampire-craving Ripper Virus infection. Damon says he should be there with her, but Elena reminds him they'd rip each other apart. What's so bad about that? I ask ya. After some light flirting Elena wants more of the lowdown on what she missed over the last three weeks. Damon rattles off some trivialities, then says, "Ooh ooh ooh. Have you heard the gossip? [...] Caroline and an Original hybrid sitting in a tree." To my readers whose first language isn't English, there's this teasing rhyme children use, to taunt each other about having romantic crushes. Let's say Mary's friends know she's taken with John. They'll sing-song, "Mary and John, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Mary with a baby carriage." I'm just putting that out there, because I know a lot of non-native English speakers watch. Olá, Brasil!

Anyhow, Elena is SHOCKED SHOCKED to learn that Caroline did the horizontal Mambo with Klaus.

Readers: It was more vertical, wasn't it? That is, they weren't sitting in a tree, but they sure were leaning against one.

RECAPPER: Filthy! Filthy girls. Filthy, filthy, filthy.

KLAROLINE 'SHIPPERS: But we fancy them. And there's been so much judgment.

RECAPPER: Hush, I know. And really, who on this show can cast the first stone? Because they all...

AUDIENCE: SUCK!

RECAPPER: Exactly.

READERS: Cindy, don't you find it a little strange that you're so ready to jump into script form with your imaginary friends readers and the show's audience, but you're giving the actual characters a wide berth?

RECAPPER: Would you get near one of these suckers, especially if they didn't already know and care about you?

READERS: Point taken. Continue with the story, please.

RECAPPER: So yeah, Elena can't even with this gossip. She wonders if Tyler knows. Damon says, "Yep, and guess who told him." Elena: "Katherine? Katherine is such a bitch." Damon agrees. Elena has a coughing fit and coughs up some blood. At least she doesn't leave any on her lips. I don't appreciate looking at it, on her tissue, though.

Elena wonders why Stefan is off at some mystery location, when they could just hunt down Wes and make him give them the antidote(s). Damon says, "That's easier said than done. Wes is dead." Elena: "What?" Damon cringes. "I killed him. Please don't act like he didn't deserve it." Elena wants to know, "What about Aaron, Damon? He didn't deserve that. Wes was pretty much the closest thing Aaron had to a family." Just then, Matt enters the dungeon with Damon's dose of blood. Damon promises Elena he'll check on her later. We cut to the old...

Rail Yard. Thanks to Enzo, Stefan and Caroline learn that not only is there another Stefan out there, somewhere, but that the last remaining pair of doppelgängers are special snowflakes. When Stefan and Caroline wonder how, Sloan tells them it's none of their business. Marcos, leader of the Travelers, wants the blood from the last two remaining doppelgängers. If you'll recall, the Travelers already drained buckets of blood from Stefan and Elena, back when Nadia buried my Pudding Pop in a safe, and Katherine was still trying to figure out how to hijack Elena's hot little bod. The Travelers are secretive, so even Enzo doesn't know much (or at least claims not to know much), but he says until all the other doppelgängers are out of the picture, Stefan's blood, mixed with Elena's doesn't do squat.

Stefan asks if they'll do a locator spell on.... Oh my God, the exposition. Is it just me?

READERS: Nope. We were wondering when you'd notice.

RECAPPER: I think my ouchy hand has me a bit more sensitive to the utter bullshit this episode is passing off as a story. It's like Damon and Elena need antidotes. 38 minutes of flailing. Antidotes achieved. SEX time!

READERS: So, how do you want to fix it?

RECAPPER: This isn't fixable. Well, it is, but only by skipping over loads of stuff. Are you game?

READERS: Bring it!

What it comes down to is that the Travelers want to link Stefan to his other doppelgänger. Stefan isn't hot on that, on account of how Q-Tessa fried his memory with a linking spell. Speaking of fried, Elena's still trapped at Whitmore. She hallucinates that Aaron has come to visit her. Through the hallucination, Elena twigs to the fact that Aaron is dead. She's scared to death that she killed him. She's tearful and pleading. I remain unmoved.

Elena wakes up in the dorm with some other (as to now) unknown boy treating her like she's just a drunken co-ed. He talks about how his boyfriend dumped him in Cancun, on Spring break. His name is Luke, and while we don't learn this yet, I feel no need to keep it from you: Luke is White Witch Liz's brother. He knows too much about Elena. She knows too much about turning a human into a vampire so she can sate her thirst. Elena feeds Luke her blood. She's real apologetic about it, but just as she is about to snap his neck, she sees he already has bite marks on it. There's garbage dialogue about it. Elena realizes Katherine must have been feeding on him. She asks Luke to find Bonnie Bennett. "Tell her to come here and bring the witch. I need to get out of here, right now. Go. Run!" Commercial.

Elena calls Damon back. She feels like no one is telling her the truth. She's still coughing up blood. She's certain she killed Aaron and that Damon is too afraid to tell her the truth. He tells her he'll tell her everything, but now isn't the right time. Elena schools him on how she almost turned Luke so she could feed. Damon tells her to calm down until he can help her, but she's convinced he (and everyone) is (are) lying to her, because it's true. She throws her cell phone onto the floor and smashes it. Damon is left talking to a dial tone, which is really how it should be, yes?

Damon has had it. He summons my Pudding Pop into the dungeon cell, and tricks him into coming too close, then puts Matt in a headlock. Matt cries out for Jeremy. When the Germ arrives, Damon tells him he must see Elena. "Undo my chains, or I'll kill [Matt]." Damon assures the Germ that Elena is unraveling. Matt has his doubts, but Damon begs Jeremy to trust him. "She needs me. I would never hurt her, Jeremy." We cut to the old...

Rail Yard. Alone with Stefan, Caroline tries to talk him into avoiding the linking spell, but he reminds her he'd do this for her, too. Once they reach Sloan and her No Star Traveling Band, Sloan tells Stefan to sit. He wants to know where the antidotes are. Enzo says he'll take them and "...make sure the appropriate parties get them. If you don't trust me, you're welcome to join, Goldilocks." Caroline is all, No, I'm staying with Stefan. There's mojo. Caroline objects to the scary parts. Stefan objects to the elements of the spell that are different from Q-Tessa's, but considering the condition Q's spell left him in, were I Stefan, I'd find those differences comforting. We cut to the...

Whitmore Dorm. This is why you don't put fireplaces in college dorms. Stressed-out coeds will burn their books, diaries, and notes. Infected, Emo Elena is no exception. Bonnie and Liz enter. Bonnie asks Elena what she doing. Elena says she's cleansing herself of anything Katherine ever touched. Can you blame her. Bonnie tells Elena, "You're not yourself." That pretty much finishes it, where Elena is concerned. "Well, that's ironic, because I wasn't myself for weeks, and yet nobody noticed."

When Liz says Elena is losing it, Elena... well, she loses it. "Are you Liv? I'm sorry if we've met before, but I'm really going to need you to drop this seal and let me out, right now." Bonnie says it's too dangerous, while Elena is still sick. Elena laughs and then tells Bonnie to drop the seal now, or she'll kill them. Elena, Bonnie is already a corporeal ghost. I'm not sure you can do much to her, but you're welcome to try on White Witch.

Whaddya know. She does. When Bonnie and Liv aren't cooperative, Elena grabs some sort of sharp and hurls it into Liv's gut. "You will die, if I don't give you my blood to heal you, so you're going to have to drop the seal, otherwise, you're gonna bleed to death. So, really? It's your choice." Commercial.

As Stefan suffers through the linking spell, Caroline repeatedly objects. Stefan gets all sorts of visions, until he hones in on his doppelgänger, who is an EMT, in Atlanta. Sloan tells him to keep digging deeper. Travelers chant. Flaming barrels flare. Stefan bleeds and cringes. I keep praying for the end of the hour. Caroline insists Sloan is pushing Stefan too hard, and he will lose everything. Finally, Caroline Stealth Salvatores up to Sloan and holds a blade to the Traveler's neck. Sloan warns Caroline, "If you hurt me, they'll kill you." Caroline says, "Tell them to stop. There's a way we can all get what we want." We cut to the...

Whitmore College Quad. Elena coughs up blood, as she makes her way along the sidewalk. You know, I mostly think of Nina Dobrev as physical perfection, so please keep that in mind when I ask if you to consider if she has man hands. I mean, the hands can't be too mannish if it took me until season five, episode 16 to notice, but dang. I have unspectacular hands, which look older than they are, yet please know, I'm not being a petty bitch. Well, maybe I am, but I'm not being a covetous, petty bitch, wherein I look at this perfect specimen (with whom I'd swap in a moment) and then say, "MAN HANDS!" My point, which kind of got lost, is it's nice to see there is one aspect of her body that isn't so Dobrevian perfect.

It's then that Man-Hands Gilbert hallucinates about Aaron appearing, right in her face. Elena is all OMG, Aaron, are you alive? No, dear, he's Memorex. Elena weeps that she thought she killed this hallucination. Hallucination-Aaron dissolves into Actual-Damon. He gives her a bottle of Stefan's blood. Elena gasps as she tells her second Salvatore boyfriend that Katherine won. "Look at me. I'm a monster." As Elena babbles about wanting to kill her friends, Damon takes her in his arms. When he tries to console her by telling her it's okay. Elena objects. "No. It's not okay. I killed Aaron Whitmore." Oh, girl, you so did not.

Finally, Damon manages to spit out that he killed Aaron. Elena tries to give him a virus-out, but Damon admits he did this before he was infected. "It was the night that I thought you broke up with me, Elena. I killed him to convince myself that I was right, that I was the type of person who could kill in cold blood, and I was never gonna change. That's why." Elena shivers, flinches and gasps. Damon says, "I need you to say something, please." Looking over Damon's shoulder, Elena asks, "Why is Enzo here?" Damon looks over his shoulder like, Dude. Now. Seriously? Enzo announces he has the antidote, so yes, it was 30+ minutes of flail for nothing. Commercial.

Rail Yard. Night. Caroline keeps watch over a recovering Stefan. When he wakes, he takes a long look at her and then says, "Rebekah, hi." Caroline says, "Oh my God." Stefan: "I'm kidding. Lexi, right?" Oh, you dickens! Caroline smiles and punches him. "It was funnier, the first time." Stefan is just so danged pleased with himself, I cannot snark.

Enzo interrupts and tells Blondie it's time to go "do this thing." When Stefan asks, Caroline explains that Sloan was going to fry his brain, in order to kill his doppelgänger. She wasn't about to let that happen, so she may have volunteered to help Enzo deal with it. Stefan understands this means Care Bear has agreed to kill his doppelgänger. Apparently, he hasn't been watching the show since the Fall of '09, so he doesn't get that only people the main cast cares about matter in matters of life, death, and convenience. When Stefan tries to refuse her help, Caroline tells Stefan it's him or other guy. Enzo tweaks some amusing dialogue I forgot to note and forgot to care about. Caroline assures Stefan she'll be fine. "Besides, you'd do the same for me, right?" In re Enzo, Stefan says, "I don't trust him." Caroline answers, "Don't worry. I don't, either. I'll be safe. I promise."

Back at the dorm, Liz the White Witch is still quirking about, well, everything, even donating her stabbed, bloody shirt to Elena's fire cleansing. Why isn't she yet dead? When Bonnie tries to apologize, Liz shushes her. "Hey, I survived my first vampire attack." Bonnie tries to give Liz permission to escape the madness. "Magic isn't for everyone. I won't be offended." Liz assures her, "I want this, and I want you to teach me." Bonnie says, "Good, then I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early, for some levitation."

Once Liv the White Witch is alone, she enters her dorm room and magically lights all her candles. As she checks her belly for the Elena-induced wound which is no longer there, a male voice calls out, "Show off." It's Gay Luke, and he makes a big gay point of reminding her that as her gay brother, he finds her doubly repulsive. What's my excuse? Luke apologizes for dragging Liz into "this", but "...Elena thought she was compelling me, and I couldn't give up the ruse."

Liz confirms she's fine. "After Elena gutted me, she gave me some of her blood." Luke wants to know how their OTHER SIDE anchor is doing. Liz says, "I'm letting her think she's teaching me magic. It's kind of cute." Luke finds this amusing, but not: "Until she realizes her friends are in jeopardy, then not so cute." We cut to...

Mossy Manse. Damon pours a couple of hardy drinks for himself and Elena. In front of the crackly fire, she declines one. Damon says, "She speaks. Care to share anything else churning around in that beautiful head of yours?" As Damon drinks deep of his booze, Elena says, "You should have noticed. [...] That I was Katherine. That Katherine was me. You should have been the one that noticed."

Damon swings his head to meet Elena's accusatory gaze. "You don't think I know that?" Elena says, "If only you'd seen through her, Damon. There would be no vampire virus. Aaron would still be alive." Damon non-sequiturs: "Katherine didn't do this. I did. I thought you broke my heart, so I ripped open Aaron's neck. That is how much control you have over me. Elena says, "And I'm still here. That is how much control you have over me." Okay, screw you, both. That's sick and I want no part of it. Elena thinks otherwise, though. She's still all, "here," and whatnot. Damon says, "Listen to us. This is toxic. We are in a toxic relationship, Elena. I just killed your friend, and you find someone else to blame." In re blaming Damon, Elena declares that easy and done. "You screwed up, Damon, again." Damon: "THANK YOU!" Oh no, I'm so uncomfortable, right now, because of the Somerhalder/Dobrev romance and breakup. Just be a couple forever, to fuel my fictional hopes. Bastards.

Elena says, "You've put me in a position, where I have to defend you, again. Where I have to bend my morals, again. Where I have to go against every, single thing that I believe in, again, because I LOVE YOU." Damon says, "Then STOP LOVING ME!" Elena: "I CAN'T." Damon says that's the problem. "We don't work." Elena says, "I know." Damon: "We agree. This has to end." Elena says, "It just did. It's over. We're over." Elena draws a deep breath. Damon stops to look at her and inhales. And then he grabs her face with his hands and swoops in for a kiss. Elena's hands find the back of his neck. The CW plays intrusive music. We all make-out.

Elena tears off Damon's shirt. I think they're in his bed, now. My 13-year-old son is wandering through the room. I don't want to embarrass him. They're on someone's bed. Damon's chest is bare now, and thank the heavens he's not a waxer. I'm sorry, but I find that unattractive. Damon rips off Elena's over-shirt. She's still wearing an under-tank. They're still trying to give one another Mono. Sex sex sex. Title card.

I'll be back with coverage of "Rescue Me." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're trying not to suck.