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Enzo takes newly ripperized, vampire-blood craving Damon out for a bite, which entails creating new vampires for Damon to eat. Heaven forbid this storyline should involve Damon going after existing "bad" (I know, I'm foolish to try to bring any sort of morals to the table) vampires, while he's infected with Wes Maxfield's cuckoo juice.
Speaking of the bad doctor, Maxfield and his No Star Traveling Band find Damon at the farm house where he's just had his last meal, and magically lock him and Enzo inside so Damon will feed upon Enzo. Enzo chains Damon to a chair -- like that will hold him -- once the feed is upon him. Damon is down with this step. What he's not down with is Enzo calling Stefan, but that's exactly what he does because he's not going to allow himself to be eaten just to protect Damon's pride. Unfortunately, it's not Stefan who answers the phone. Eventually, Wes lets Enzo leave, but he has to leave with Wes. No, we don't know why, but do we care? Maxfield and his No Star Traveling Band might be critical to the story, but they're just not critical to me.
Katherine-as-Elena and Stefan are on the road, tracking Damon. Katherine secretly disables Stefan's car and gets herself all greasy when he tries to fix it, so that she can convince him to get a hotel room, where they can shower. There are stolen kisses between them, but ultimately Stefan resists "Elena" for Damon's sake. That it takes the entire episode (and a later assist from Caroline) for Stefan to figure out that "Elena" might really be Katherine makes me lose respect for him that I hadn't realized I still retained.
Katherine hides Enzo's call from Stefan at first, until she figures out how to use it to her advantage. Once she decides she can tempt Damon to feed on her to the point where Stefan will have no choice but to stake his own brother, the game is on. Her strategy winds up being her folly. To distract Damon from "Elena's" blood, Stefan slices open his own arm. When Damon turns his attention to his brother, Stefan gives him a broken neck nap. He then brings Damon home, and chains him up in the Mossy Manse dungeon.
In the B plot, Katherine wants Nadia to kill Matt, because Matt knows Katherine is wearing Elena's meatsuit. Instead, Nadia keeps Matt on the road until the vervain is out of his system, and she can compel him into forgetfulness. Caroline and Tyler are uncomfortable as they work together, to figure out what's going on with Matt. By the end of the episode, Tyler and Nadia tussle and Tyler bites her. If she's not going to die, can we ship her off to New Orleans for some Klaus blood? I need the respite. (Sorry, Tippi.)
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're pretending this is the show we used to love.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on the exterior of an empty looking home. A forgotten rake lies near an upended barrel of leaves. Bloody mail and newspapers adorn the front steps. Inside, Enzo picks up a photograph of a couple and asks Damon if he thinks "the fellow" loved milking cows.
Damon: Probably. Then she became one. So, he drank himself into oblivion, then she cheated with the... pastor.
Audience: Sheesh, Damon. Wipe the blood off your face. Your looks are the only thing left about you to remind us who you once were. Yes, you're a serial killer, but you were always fastidious.
Enzo: Hey, just because you lost your true love doesn't mean you have to dump on others.
Damon: There's no love in there. Look at that picture. It's old. And the milkmaid's nowhere to be found. It's just pathetic, old Farmer John.
Enzo: Manners. It's impolite to speak ill of our host.
Recapper: If you two continue to quote yourselves verbatim, I'll stake you myself.
Enzo: All right. All right. The point is Damon is cranky, because it's been almost eight hours since he last fed. And yes, since Damon feeds on vampires and I am one, I am timing his meals to make sure I don't end up as one. Damon says I could just leave, but I don't abandon my friends.
Recapper: Subtle.
Farmer John: I gasp back to life and sit up. What did you do to me?
Audience: They're in the process of turning you into a vampire, so Damon can feed. Apparently, there aren't enough bad vampires around, to keep Damon fat and happy.
Recapper: Like there's any semblance of good and bad left to this show.
Audience: We know, right?
Enzo: I shove some bagged blood down the farmer's throat, to complete his transition, then ask him to settle a bet. Where's your wife?
Farmer John: She left me years ago.
Damon: Pastor?
Farmer John: Pharmacist.
Damon: Yes! I will take that as a win.
Recapper: Why should I listen to what you say, when you're not even listening to yourself, Damon?
Enzo: So, anyhow, Damon eats Farmer John 'til his head pops off. I tell him to stop trying to scare me off. I'm his only friend, and I'm not leaving him.
Katherine-As-Elena: Back at Mossy Manse, Stefan's helping me study history, which I lived through. When I take issue with the text's date for the fall of the Holy Roman Empire, I then have to cover what I know about the Peace of Westphalia, because I did a paper on it, in high school.
Audience: Since Stefan was in Elena's high school history class for more than one year, surely this will tip him off that Katherine is wearing Elena's meatsuit.
Recapper: Don't be silly. None of them went to school enough to be sure what any of the assignments were.
Ghost of Alaric: True that. I just gave them A grades, because they were my friends.
Caroline: Stefan asks me to help him track Damon, so I arrive with information from my mom, about missing persons and animal attacks. But there's something else -- the victims, who were all found inside their homes, were headless, and their skin was desiccated.
Recapper: We already know Damon is killing vampires. !
Stefan: It's all my fault.
Audience: Spare us.
Caroline: Good news, bad news. The bad news is, when Jesse got turned into a vampire-eating ripper, we had to kill him. And by "we" I mean Elena and by "had to" I mean no such thing. Also, there is no good news.
Stefan: I have to find him.
Katherine: I'll go with you.
Caroline: Elena, I'm so happy to see you here, said no one, in the last two seasons. Oh great, now Tyler's calling. I haven't spoken to him since... the incident.
Daniel Faraday: The incident took place the same day Oceanic 815 crashed. That was nearly ten years ago.
Recapper: Not that incident, honey. Go back to the sideways reality and find Charlotte, before she turns into the Wicked Witch.
Audience: Yeah, Dan. The "incident" in question is when Tyler found out that Caroline screwed the monster who terrorized them for years, and then killed Carol Lockwood.
Stefan: Excuse me, but the "incident" in question is when Tyler almost killed you, Caroline.
mac123x: "You mean when [she] fucked his worst enemy then wouldn't give him space and he lost control?" Fixed it for you, Stefan.
Stefan: Are you one of those script doctors, because wow, are we in need.
Recapper: I would watch the hell out of this episode if mac123x could fix the whole thing. Instead, I'm giving this recap the rip-off-the-bandage treatment.
Audience: Are you going to answer the phone, Care Bear?
Caroline: Right. Hey...
Tyler: Have you talked to Matt? Nadia's been compelling him to forget things. He hasn't been home or at work, and his phone goes straight to voicemail.
Katherine: I am not please to overhear this, but manage to remain composed.
Caroline: I'll come right over.
Tyler: God, no.
Caroline: No. We'll work together. It will be nifty. See ya soon!
Tyler: FML.
Katherine: I'll go with you.
Caroline: You stay on the Damon thing.
Katherine: I'm gonna get some clothes. Stefan, pick me up at my dorm, which is a few hours away.
Recapper: I'm going to hit my head against the desk for several reasons. You already know about mystically moving Whitmore College, which was apparently only ever a few hours away during the opening scenes of the season premiere. I try to let go of it, but they don't let me. But okay, let's push that aside. Elena lived at Mossy Manse until she went off to college. I don't know about you, but when I went to college, I did not take everything with me. I could go home for a weekend without packing a bag, if need be. It seems to me some of Elena's clothes might be at Mossy Manse. Also? Katherine "died" at Mossy Manse. Some of her clothing might still be there, too. Why does Katherine-As-Elena have to travel a few hours to Whitmore to get clothes? And if we just accept that she does -- why does Stefan then have to go get her there, later? Let's give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume that these "animal attacks" are happening somewhere that would mean Stefan would have to drive past Whitmore, while tracking Damon. Why wouldn't Katherine-As-Elena and Stefan stop at Whitmore, together?
Contrivance Fairy: I have to get Katherine out of the house so that Caroline and Stefan can talk about "Elena" and Katherine can talk to Nadia about, without any of these vampires overhearing the other vampires' conversations.
Discontinuity Fairy: But I've muddled the vampiric hearing mythology so thoroughly, that that's not even necessary. Katherine could go upstairs, run some water, and whisper and nobody would hear anything. Hell, she could go upstairs, not run water, and yell into her phone, and still, no one would have to overhear anyone else, if you just make it so. I feel so unappreciated.
Contrivance Fairy: You're welcome.
Recapper: I wonder if the Winchesters could help me out.
Supernatural Fandom: They're not even brothers, right now, so probably not.
Recapper: Ugh. Take it away, Caroline.
Caroline: So yeah, Stefan, we both have some weird exes/friends issues.
Stefan: There's no weird with me and Elena.
Caroline: Right, like she's not trying to weasel her way between us back into your life. Elena and Damon's breakup is messy. You are not messy. You are stable. And sane.
Audience: And you rip people apart and put them back together. And you just willingly and knowingly slept with Katherine-as-Katherine a few weeks ago.
Recapper: And don't get me started on your cell phone abuse.
Stefan: The point is, I'm going to spend 12 hours in a car with Elena. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out whatever she's feeling.
Katherine: Safely back at Elena's dorm room, I call Nadia and ask what's going on with Matt. Goldilocks and the Big Bad Wolf are meeting to powwow about him.
Nadia: Fine. He knows about you. Tyler gave him vervain.
Katherine: Kill him. Now.
Nadia: The vervain will be out of his system soon, and I can compel him again. I've been keeping him far from everyone.
Katherine: So you two are tucked away, canoodling?
Nadia: I don't even know what that means.
Audience: You have a smart phone. Google it.
Recapper: Is BING still a sponsor of this show?
Katherine: We all love Matt Donovan, but we love me in Elena's body, more. Kill him.
Recapper: Go straight to hell, Katherine. If you have to do so in Elena's corpse, I might be able to live with that. Even when she's not buried under your psyche, she is but a shell of the fierce little girl for whom I once rooted.
Nadia: Now, why are you helping Stefan find Damon, when you want Damon out of the picture?
Katherine: I'm taking the opportunity for some alone time with my sweetums.
Nadia: And what happens when you let your guard down and slip up? Will you kill Stefan, too?
Katherine: Using my own words against me. That's a Petrova speciality.
Readers: Wait. What words?
Recapper: I think I skipped them, but hell, why should I pay attention to the dialogue, when Damon can't remember what he says from sentence to sentence?
Katherine: Take care of the Matt issue before I return to town, or I'll do it myself. Toodles.
Matt: Nadia, it will be fine. I just have to convince my friends I'm okay. I'll keep your secret. No one has to die.
Recapper: Especially my Pudding Pop.
Nadia: What's canoodling?
LMGTFY: Here.
Enzo: Back at Farmer John's, Damon is reassembling Farmer John's corpse. Whatever. How's New York, these days?
Damon: Crowded.
Enzo: Road trip!
Dr. Wes Maxfield's No Star Traveling Band: (chanting) Oh doom. Another thing. Et my beets. Oh doom. Another thing. Et my beets.
Enzo: What's that?
Damon: It's the obnoxious theme song of the Travelers. See, we're mystically trapped in the house.
Dr. Wes Maxfield's No Star Traveling Band: (chanting) Oh doom. Another thing. Et my beets. Oh doom. Another thing. Et my beets. A team. Oh doom. Another thing. Et my beets.
Wes: As a man of science, I always consider magic a cheat. Turns out I cheat. How's the appetite?
Damon: Funny you should ask. I was just craving a blond.
Recapper: We don't need every word, guys.
Wes: Fine, I just want to see how long Damon can go before he feeds on his best friend.
Ghost of Alaric: But I'm dead.
Sponsors: A word.
Katherine: Stefan and I stop to gas up. I give him crap about driving an old car.
Audience: It's a classic!
Stefan: That's what I said. Hey, Elena, you didn't have to come.
Katherine: I'm helping you, not him.
Stefan: You never shut him off like this before, not even when he killed your brother.
Katherine: I just want off the emotional roller coaster. Are you hungry? I'm starving.
Stefan: Sure, what do you want?
Katherine: Whatever you're having, but with a lot more salt and maybe covered in chocolate.
Recapper: Dumb.
Script: What? It's characterization. Katherine likes healthy food, so while she's masquerading as Elena, she chooses junk.
Recapper: And Elena got to look like Elena thanks to junk food.
Script: She's a vampire, now. It doesn't matter what she eats.
Recapper: Whatever. !
Katherine: While Stefan's in the store, I break his car, so we'll be stuck here.
Enzo: Back at Farmer John's, Damon is breaking windows in an attempt to get out out the house, but since we couldn't walk through the door, I have no idea why he thinks this will work.
Audience: Mostly, Damon just likes to break stuff.
Damon: This spell can't last forever.
Enzo: It only has to last eight hours, then he can come back inside and autopsy my mangled corpse.
Damon: You're pretty zen about this.
Enzo: Calm heads prevail. We can call your brother or your ex, for some backup.
Damon: My brother told me not to come back. I'm not calling him.
Enzo: So my life isn't worth your pride. Good to know.
Damon: They won't come.
Enzo: They would. You don't want to risk them. Me, on the other hand?
Damon: I'm not gonna feed on you. I'll find another way.
Caroline: Over at Tyler's he gives me a cup of coffee. I try to joke about the tension between us. As soon as the conversation turns to Matt, he walks in the front door.
Tyler: Where have you been?
Nadia: I show up at the door, babbling about my sunglasses.
Caroline: You've been with Nadia this whole time?
Matt: It's a long story. Nadia, come on in.
Ferrari: So Matt is safe inside his house with the protection of a vampire and a hybrid (who apparently is stronger than a 500 year old vampire "every time") and he just invites Nadia in? Wouldn't that have been a great time to drop the act and let them know Nadia has kidnapped you and Katherine is possessing Elena? The hell was she going to do at that point? What was the reasoning behind inviting her in?
Recapper: At first, I thought the vervain had worn off, and Nadia had compelled him, but that won't happen 'til later.
Audience: Right? And even he doesn't know Tyler is stronger, he knows his bite would be fatal to her, if Nadia pulls any of the sort of assaults Klaus once launched against Gilbert Gables.
Recapper: Man, I miss Gilbert Gables.
Stefan: Back at the gas station, I hand Elena the broken hose. We can't go anywhere until that's fixed. Be careful, girl. Don't get any grease on yourself.
Katherine: *wipes grease all over self*
Stefan: What did I just say?
Katherine: Would you believe I'm clumsy? Let's get a hotel room, so I can shower and change, while the mechanic fixes the car.
Stefan: No, I should stay here, in case they finish early.
Katherine: You have a phone, or is it too old to receive calls -- you know, like your car. Grab my bag.
Stefan: Sure. Be right there.
Sponsors: A word.
Recapper: Can we telescope this a little?
Matt: Like, concise it up?
Recapper: Bingo.
Matt: Sure thing, Cindy. I lie to Tyler and Caroline about Nadia. She pretends to be sorry for compelling me and snapping Tyler's neck. I pretty much say we went to Atlantic City and drank and screwed our brains out.
Caroline: She's compelling you.
Matt: Wearing vervain. Not compelled. Since Nadia recently buried me alive, Caroline is less than cool with us hanging out, so Nadia rubs Klaus in Caroline's face. Tyler wants no part of this and leaves the room.
Caroline: I follow him, to talk some sense into him, but Tyler thinks since Matt did a summer in Europe with the Beckster, it's highly likely he had a lost weekend in Jersey with Nadia.
Tyler: It's a hell of a lot easier to buy than other things that have happened.
Katherine: Stefan and I get to our room. He teases me about how much I packed. When the talk turns to Damon, Stefan insists that while his brother is hurt, he's not a lost cause.
Stefan: I know what he's going through. You don't know what it's like, being in love with you. When we were together, every single atom in my body told me it was the right thing. That kind of love can change your whole life. When it stops, the vacuum is just...
Recapper: Sucky?
Katherine: I get it. They built a whole prophecy around it.
Audience: They did not. Q-Tessa's rambling is not and won't become a prophecy, no matter how many times you try to brainwash us into thinking otherwise.
Katherine: I do my best to get all Stefan's atoms tingling or whatever. By the way he excuses himself to go wash up, I think it's working, and I am so pleased with myself.
Enzo: Meanwhile, I'm chaining up Damon. That's a good move, don't you think?
Recapper: It might be, if you trussed him up, but instead, you're chaining him to a chair he could break, even if he wasn't due to be overcome by the irresistible urge to feed.
Damon: There's no cure for this, Enzo.
Enzo: You've given this all of two days. That's so you. When there's a problem, you run. You did it to me. You did it to your girl.
Damon: When I stay, I destroy things. Hey, what are you doing?
Enzo: Calling for backup. Your pride isn't worth either of our lives.
Katherine: While Stefan's washing up, his phone rings. When I see it's Damon, I answer it all like, "Oh my God, Damon?
Enzo: How wonderful to hear your feminine voice, Stefan.
Katherine: Enzo. Where's Damon?
Recapper: Damon can't come to the phone. He's a bit tied up, at the moment. (Sorry.)
Enzo: He's about to feed on me until my head pops off in a grotesque but comical fashion.
Katherine: Wes infected him? Score! I mean, how sad.
Enzo: We need your help. Dr. Maxfield's No Star Traveling Band magically trapped us in the house.
Damon: DO NOT COME HERE!
Enzo: He doesn't want to risk feeding on you, but come on over. You'll be totally fine, because you're Caucasian leads on this show. If he does feed on you, I have orders to kill him.
Katherine: Everything's coming up roses! Text me your address, but send it to my phone.
Recapper: That's not suspicious, right?
Enzo: Hey, I've got other things on my mind.
Katherine: We'll be there, soon.
Stefan: Did you say something?
Damon: Back at the farm house, I strain against the chains. Enzo and I bitch at each other until Dr. Maxfield's No Star Traveling Band shows up and starts chanting, and Wes shoots Enzo in the shoulder.
Wes: The chains were a good idea. Now I can see exactly how strong he'll become when enraged.
Damon: Fortunately, that's my default state in your presence. I break out of the chains in a second.
Recapper: And in the biggest surprise of the night, you don't do it while breaking the chair.
Enzo: Damon rushes me, so I bat him across the room. Boy, I miss that indestructible Augustine cage right about now.
Damon: Supper time! Enzo, you are mmm mmm good.
Enzo: Damon, stop! Please, Damon. Don't. Stop. Don't stop.
Slashers: Thank you.
Sponsors: Is anyone still out there?
Wes: After the break, Damon feeds off Enzo until he pushes himself away. He promptly starts heaving, because my No Star Traveling Band has been chanting up a little spell to raise the acid levels in Enzo's blood.
Recapper: So it burns Damon's mouth, but not Enzo's innards?
Script: *Crickets*
Wes: Enzo, I suggest you leave, before the spell wears off.
Enzo: And go where -- with you?
Wes: There's one more thing I need from you, then I'll let you go for good. The other option is to stay in here with your cannibal friend, and see how long you last.
Damon: Go, Enzo. I tried to kill you before. I'll do it again. Go!
Enzo: Okee dokee?
Katherine: Back at the hotel, when I finish my shower, Stefan hollers to me that the car is fixed.
Audience: He's gonna check his phone and see that Damon called, right?
Contrivance Fairy: Don't be ridiculous. We're only at the 34 minute mark.
Katherine: Hey, can you hand me my shirt, so I can fail to shut the bathroom door, before I turn my back to you and put it on?
Audience: Is she only going to wear a shirt?
Stefan: I'm just trying not to notice how she's pushing up her breasts with her hands. Okay, now I'm peeking, but hey, she left the door open.
Music: *Intrudes*
Katherine: Once I'm dressed, I come out, rub my hands all over Stefan, and FINALLY, we end up kissing.
Recapper: I will never believe you would want his love, if he thought he was giving that love to Elena. Never ever.
Stefan: I can't do this to Damon.
Katherine: Damn it. Right. Right.
Audience: Wouldn't you think Katherine and Elena would have different kissing styles?
Script: Nope.
Katherine: At my suggestion, Stefan leaves to settle the bill while I gloat and pack. Once I'm alone, I call Nadia and asks her if she thinks Stefan loves Damon or Elena more. My plan is to get Damon to attack me, so that Stefan will kill him.
Nadia: Good luck with that.
Matt: Nadia, it seems like you went all this trouble to save your mother, who is only interested in Stefan. I had a no-good mother, too. She'd turn up, and the thing -- I'd be at the stove, making her a grilled cheese. Katherine decides when you're worth it, but guess what, you're never going to be as interesting as her lay. Katherine is not going to choose you.
Nadia: The second your mother walked back into your life, you forgot about all the bad, because she's still your mom, and you love her. Now give me your wrist. Yummy tummy and vervain free. Our fun is over.
Matt: Since I'm going to forget this anyhow, let's make out.
Nadia: Why not?
Matt: Probably because I'm going to use this time to text Caroline for help.
Nadia: Not very adeptly, though. What the hell?
Text: "HELP K"
Sponsors: Ahem.
Matt: What did you expect? Elena is my best friend?
Recapper: She's everyone's best friend, girlfriend, sun, moon, rain, snow, stardust.
Nadia: You were the only decent person in this town.
Audience: Decent people save their friends, Nadia.
Matt: I still am and so are you. You could have killed me, but didn't. You're not like Katherine, and you know it.
Nadia: I compel him to forget everything he's "not supposed to know."
Recapper: I would love for that clumsy phrasing to bite her in the ass, but it won't.
Nadia: (still compelling Matt) We partied, slept together, then I left.
Matt: Um.
Caroline: I'm waiting at the door when Nadia tries to leave. Hey, Matt, are you okay?
Matt: Why. What's up?
Caroline: So, you compelled him, again. Tell me what you're doing to him? I throttle her, but...
Nadia: ...Then I throttle Caroline right back. And this is all your fault, Matt.
Recapper: How?
Tyler: I zoop in and tackle Nadia. Young hybrid beats old vampire, every time.
Audience: Do you think he's being a reliable narrator?
Recapper: It doesn't matter, because this show disposes of any mythology that gets in its way. It even disposes of its own self-defined geography.
Readers: Are you still stuck on Whitmore being a few hours away?
Recapper: Sorry.
Nadia: I flip Tyler off me, pretty quick. He head butts me a few times, but I manage to throw him off and zoop out of there.
Audience: Please say you bit her, Ty. Please say you bit her.
Matt: Can anyone tell me how this is my fault?
Recapper: Don't trouble your pretty little, addled Pudding Pop brain.
Damon: I'm sitting on the floor, with Enzo's blood still dripping off my lips when Elena shows up. I order her not to enter. Stefan arrives and asks what happened. I tell him I wanted revenge, but Wes infected me with the vampire virus, and I almost killed my best friend. Typical Damon.
Recapper: So what, you're going to be all self-loathing. That's fine. It's not keeping me from hating your guts, right now.
Katherine: Damon, we're here to help you.
Damon: I feed on vampires and you both are vampires. Stay back, as I vamp out.
Stefan: I'm not afraid of you, Damon.
Recapper: Remember when Damon could beat the shit out of Stefan, because Stefan didn't drink human blood? Shouldn't he...
Readers: Hush, Cindy. Hush. You're in the home stretch. Don't make this longer than need be.
Katherine: Stefan seems to be getting through to Damon, which is not how I had this planned out, so I cross the threshold and cut myself until Damon can't overcome the temptation. Of course, I don't want to tip off my boo, Stefan, so I blah about how I'm trying to prove Damon isn't a lost cause. Your love for me is stronger than any craving.
Damon: Get away from me, Elena.
Stefan: He's gonna kill you.
Recapper: No such luck, but he does try. As Damon sinks his fangs into Katherine's neck, she kicks a stake toward Stefan and moans that Damon is going to kill her. Instead of staking his beloved brother, Stefan cuts himself, to tempt Damon away from Elena's neck. Once he's unlatched, Stefan snaps Damon's neck.
mac123x: Too bad Jesse was a black guest star [...] they could have tried it on him.
Sponsors: Is it just us, or have we had a lot to say, tonight?
Recapper: I was thinking the same thing, but I'm good with that.
Tyler: Back at my house, I'm cleaning up, when Caroline reports the only thing Matt remembers is sleeping with Nadia. When she starts to walk away, I apologize to Caroline for my rage upon finding out she screwed Klaus.
Caroline: We can work past this.
Tyler: How evolved do you think I am? You slept with the guy that killed my mom. What's a fair amount of time to get over that? A week? A month?
Caroline: You've made your point.
Tyler: I'm not trying to be a dick, but the idea of us being good -- it's not going to happen.
Caroline: Understood.
Audience: You tell her, Ty.
Damon: I wake to find myself chained in the Mossy Manse dungeon. Hey Stef, if you bring home a rabid animal, you're going to get bit.
Recapper: ...ten. Bitten.
Damon: Seriously, sooner or later, I'm going to kill you.
Stefan: I know the burning sensation of...
Recapper: Hemorrhoids?
Stefan: Ripperdom. Ew.
Recapper: Sorry. It's just that while the show remains in the crapper, so does my mind.
Stefan: Damon, there's a way to control this.
Damon: Oh, great. You're going to teach me.
Stefan: Right now, I'm going to get you some vervain, get myself a drink, and think things over. You're my brother. I'm never going to give up on you.
Damon: She has.
Stefan: Elena nearly got herself killed trying to prove a point, today.
Damon: Remember the vampire ripper, Jesse? When he attacked me, Elena had to kill him. Had there been the slightest chance there was another way to stop him, she would have taken it.
Audience: Well obviously, no, since Stefan proved there was another way.
Recapper: As mac123x earlier pointed out, Jesse made the terrible mistake of being black in Mystic Falls. Also though, I do feel a small urge to stick up for Actual Elena. Elena hasn't killed many people. She killed that hunter (also black, in Mystic Falls), and she killed that waitress. She isn't that experienced at combat, or strategic thinking. Stefan knows Damon. Stefan knows what it's like to be a ripper. Stefan has been alive a long, long time. I can see where he could come up with that distraction trick, when Elena couldn't.
Readers: Killjoy. Aren't you over being fair to Elena?
Recapper: I thought I was. That came out of nowhere.
Damon: Excuse me. I'm trying to make a point to my brother. Elena knew it would be impossible for me to resist her blood, then she kicked you a stake, and essentially told you to kill me?
Stefan: Are you saying Elena wanted me to kill you?
Recapper: Did he stutter?
Katherine: I meet up with Nadia at The Town House Cafe. Mmm. I could use a steak.
Recapper: Damned homophones.
Nadia: You're chipper, so I take it Damon is dead.
Katherine: No, he continues to be the bane of my existence, but Stefan and I had a moment, so it's only a matter of time.
Nadia: Sounds like you're going to get everything you want.
Katherine: Katherine Fricking Pierce. You took care of the Matt situation, right?
Nadia: Your secret is safe.
Katherine: I don't want to ruin my good mood worrying about what's got you mopey.
Nadia: You won't have to worry about me, much longer.
Katherine: What?
Nadia: Tyler bit me.
Audience: He what? We were hoping he did, but we didn't see it.
Recapper: Me too, also, I didn't see any blood on his mouth, after Nadia zooped out of the mansion.
Nadia: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Audience: We can't decide if we want Nadia to die, more than we want her to pulling one over on Katherine.
Recapper: Here's how I see it. If she's not going to die, then I sure hope she's fooling Katherine. That would maybe make her continued existence worth it.
Caroline: Stefan finds me drinking in front of the Mossy Manse fireplace. Stefan, you were right. I brought this on myself. I have to deal with the consequences of the Klaus thing and learn from my mistakes. By the by, Nadia has been compelling Matt to forget stuff.
Stefan: Like what?
Caroline: He tried to message me, but Nadia stopped him. All I got was "HELP K." What's the verdict with you and Elena.
Stefan: She's acting strange. She kissed me.
Recapper: Blah blah blah car broke down. Blah hotel. Blah shower. Let's move on.
Stefan: Anyhow, I couldn't do that to Damon.
Caroline: But Elena could? I don't get it. She knows this would destroy him. What is she doing?
Stefan: She's given up on him. Damon thinks she was trying to get me to kill him.
Caroline: She might be mad, but she'd never want him dead.
Stefan: Unless...
Recapper: Oh sheesh, these two idiots are going to drag out this conversation forever. Let me take the reins. Stefan remembers the "K" in Matt's text, and Nadia's determination to let Katherine take over someone else's body before she died. Caroline's sure they would have noticed that Katherine was impersonating Elena, until she's not sure, at all.
Caroline: Oh, my God.
I'll be back, week, with coverage of "Gone Girl," the installment in The Chronicles of Our Lady of Perpetual Victimhood. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're pretending this is the show we used to love.