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102 Things I Hate About You
1. Katherine imitating Elena.
2. Katherine enjoying Elena's life more than Elena.
3. Bonnie not sensing that "Elena" isn't Elena.
4. Hell, Tara on Buffy knew something was up when Faith was in Buffy's body, even though Tara hadn't met Buffy yet.
5. Damon's immediate reversion to psycho killer.
6. New characters. I mean Sloan? Who cares?
7. The thought of how Aaron's corpse must be stinking up that car.
8. That Stefan has every reason to act this self-righteous, even though he rips people up and puts them back together.
9. Caroline. Caroline. Caroline.
10. The new, bitchy witch girl.
11. That Enzo -- who could be so interesting -- is just a plot point.
12. The music in this episode.
13. The Bitter Ball Event O' the Week.
14. That Target/Peter Pilotto ad. It's going to give me a seizure.
15. I don't want to hear that item 14 isn't about The Vampire Diaries. That ad is partially responsible for this episode's existence. I'll hate what I want.
16. That this show isn't a little more like Buffy.
17. Or hell, even Angel.
18. Or My So Called Life.
19. Or Joan of Arcadia.
20. Or Veronica Mars.
21. Or Freaks and Geeks.
22. And possibly the PBS NewsHour.
23. This idea of Wes being able to turn vampires into vampire-eating-vampires.
24. That Stefan doesn't stake Enzo.
25. I mean, he knocks Enzo to the ground and is holding a shovel with a wooden handle. Stake him already
.
26. Or cut off his head.
27. Did I mention I hate this show isn't more like Buffy?
28. I committed to this 102 list idea item.
29. Caroline refers to her choices as "the whole Tyler/Klaus thing."
30. That this college's location is so nebulous.
31. I don't hate Tyler eying Nadia, which surprises me, and I hate surprises.
32. That Nadia gives a damn about Katherine Frickin' Pierce.
33. All the easy, public underage drinking on this show.
34. Mystic Falls.
35. I like really hate it. I would have visited Sunnydale. Crazy, I know, but I would have. I'd only visit Mystic Falls with a tank full of gasoline and a truck full of matches.
36. There are no adults who matter on this show.
37. Jeremy is screwing up his hair again. Kid, clean-cut works for you.
38. Damon's kidnapping Jeremy now? I hate that I've spent 5 years on this show.
39. Damon dumped Elena first, so I hate that Damon is THIS bitter about Katherine-As-Elena affirming that dumpage.
40. Damon lets Enzo hurt Jeremy.
41. I don't have set decorators at my disposal. That Bitter Ball venue is better looking than my house, never mind a college dance.
42. Katherine thinks she'd be satisfied being with Stefan, if he thought he was with Elena. That's not Katherine.
43. Caroline shreds the OMG Caroline + Ponies sketch.
44. And I hate that I hate that, because I hate that Caroline slept with Klaus.
45. Caroline giving life lessons. I can't even.
46. That Caroline doesn't notice anything off about "Elena."
47. That Bonnie can't give Damon a mystical migraine.
48. The endless exposition on this show.
49. This sneezing fit I'm having.
50. That anyone cares about Wes being killed (regardless of Damon's methods).
51. Vampires.
52. Seriously, they suck.
53. That Bonnie is no longer a witch.
54. That I don't look more like the girls on this show.
55. And that I never did.
56. Latin spells. I mean, why is it more magical than English?
57. That I can't remember this new witch's name.
58. Ads with things like "#TVD" in them. Saying "hashtag" is awkward.
59. Watching the Germ get tortured.
60. That plastic bag thing.
61. That this show isn't Sherlock.
62. That this show isn't Once Upon A Time.
63. To be fair, I'm glad this show isn't The Tomorrow People. Hate being fair.
64. Reluctant witches. Seriously, if you could do this stuff...
65. Katherine's revulsion at doing mouth to mouth. She's a bloodsucker!
66. That Stefan lets Enzo walk out of the torture room.
67. That I'm with Stefan when he tells Damon not to bother coming back.
68. That I don't mind when Damon says he wasn't planning on it.
69. That Tyler didn't bite Nadia.
70. That Nadia puts her hands on Matt's neck.
71. That Nadia threatens him.
72. "Papers, Scissors, Stone." It's America, damn it. Speak American.
73. That Damon is ready to give up on Elena.
74. And Stefan.
75. Chanting.
76. Are these Travelers? I hate Travelers (on this show, not in the real world).
77. I hate that I'm glad someone's bestowing the mystical migraine.
78. Damon is going to be a vampire eating vampire.
79. That this season, which started with so much promise, is sucking so hard.
80. Writing when I have a cold. My head has fog in it.
81. I failed to wine up for this show.
82. More of the music on this show.
83. Katherine is a little too good at playing Elena, with Stefan.
84. That Stefan falls for it, oh so easily.
85. Caroline's reaction to Stefan and "Elena's" embrace.
86. Flashing red lights.
87. Flashing white lights.
88. Flashing of any kind, really. You, in the corner -- button up your trench coat.
89. Tony. Enough with new characters.
90. Karma happening to Damon.
91. The gratuitous decapitation. On the plus side, no more Tony.
92. That I'm too tired to think of 30 more things.
93. Math.
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we've lost count.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!KATHERINE: I'm not doing it.
NADIA: We have to.
KATHERINE: Why do we -- well, let's boil this down to the important point. Why do I have to stand here and bag on my own story for a recapper who so clearly hates me and said story?
NADIA: Because you're impersonating Elena Gilbert, and Elena would do this -- has done this -- without question.
RECAPPER: Besides, Kiki. While I hate this current storyline, I don't hate you. Generally speaking, I love (to hate) you.
KATHERINE: Fine. Elena had damned well better thank me for this.
RECAPPER: Perhaps she would, if you would, oh, you know, give her back her life.
KATHERINE: Good one.
RECAPPER: Thank you, Kiki, but seriously, will you please do me a favor? While we're covering this chapter, I want you to think about something.
KATHERINE: You're already boring me. Get to the point.
RECAPPER: You're impersonating Elena, so that you can win Stefan's love. If and/or once Stefan figures out you're not Elena -- that you're Katherine impersonating Elena -- is he going to love you?
KATHERINE: He's never going to figure it out. Matty Pants is my phone-a-friend lifeline.
RECAPPER: Okay, let's pretend you're right, about that, which you're not. Let's assume no one, including Stefan, figures out what's going on, here. Are you going to be content with Stefan loving you because he thinks you're Elena? If so, how?
KATHERINE: I did not come here to get my head shrunken. Let's go on with the show, before I change my mind. Previously, on The Vampire Diaries, I was dying, so Nadia, Mia the Traveler, and I arranged for me to set up housekeeping in Elena's young bod. And it was awesome. As proof, I submit one of my first awesome acts: I told Damon to hit the road.
RECAPPER: Well, he and Enzo took you more literally than even you might have expected.
AARON'S CORPSE: You're telling me.
KATHERINE and NADIA: Who's Enzo?
RECAPPER: Now, on The Vampire Diaries Katherine Pierce is enjoying Elena's life more than Elena ever has, and yes, that includes the summer of sex her life, that Elena shared with Damon.
KATHERINE: Dear Diary, I love my life. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have everything I ever wanted. I'm young, healthy, gorgeous. Everyone loves me. But best of all, I'm a vampire, again. R.I.P. Elena. Thanks for your perfect life. In return, I've corrected the worse decision you ever made: falling in love with Damon. See, I'm even erasing the pictures off your PRODUCT PLACEMENT cell phone.
THE CLOUD: Don't worry, Elena. If you ever come back, we've got your back.
CAROLINE: At Whitmore, I lead Elena and Bonnie into a new class, and a new life. As a purge from our horrid first semester, I declare we're attending the Bitter Ball.
BONNIE: But I'm not bitter. Look, I'm even still rocking this snazzy new hairdo.
CAROLINE: You are not the boss of you. I am.
BONNIE: I did not come back to life to argue with Caroline Forbes, so I just agree. I'll sneak my happy hottie into the Bitter Ball and enjoy a night of sweet, smug, coupledom.
WHITE WITCH: I'm just sitting here, magically spinning my pen in front of about 50 people I do not want to see me doing this. Hey, why are you calling me WHITE WITCH?
RECAPPER: Because I don't know your name, yet, and because almost all of the witches on this show have been witches of color. Also, I'm lazy.
STEFAN: Meanwhile, I arrive home to find a car nearly in my front door. In its trunk is the corpse of Aaron Whitmore. Inside, the house is trashed. Damon says he had some company and things got out of hand. Sigh. I miss when he was an obsessive-compulsive cleaner. What's going on in the driveway, bro?
DAMON: Enzo's a little out of practice when it comes to driving. Oh, you mean Aaron? We ripped out his throat.
STEFAN: Elena breaks up with you, and your first instinct is to go on a killing spree. Predictable much?
AUDIENCE: Right?
Enzo: It was my idea. I offer my hand, but Stefan refuses to shake it.
STEFAN: Possibly because we met when you were trying to tear off my brother's head. Damon, are you two best buds, again?
DAMON: Sure. Bygones. Dungeon Dudes 4EVA.
ENZO: , we have to hunt down Dr. Wes and do away with him.
STEFAN: C'mon, Damon, you're better than this.
DAMON: On the contrary, brother, I'm better like this.
AUDIENCE: You missed the "scrapbooking" suggestion.
RECAPPER: Skipping is not missing. It's a whole different vibe.
KATHERINE: Back at Whitmore, I'm posing as Elena. You've all go that, right?
RECAPPER: My readers aren't morons, Katherine. You don't have to distinguish between when you're being yourself, and when you're acting like Elena. We get it.
KATHERINE: Good, because it's tedious enough to pretend I'm Elena, never mind explain it to strangers. So anyhow, I'm on the phone, asking Stefan if he wants to go out for a drink or something.
MATT: But, she's on the phone with me, practicing how to get Stefan back. I'm compelled to hell and back, so don't expect me to clarify anything.
NADIA: I'm at the Grill, watching over Matt. I take the phone and compel him to walk away and forget this conversation.
MATT: FML.
NADIA: Mother, you promised we'd spend time together.
KATHERINE: Don't pretend babysitting Matty Blue-Eyes is a hardship.
RECAPPER: We call him Pudding Pop. It's a tradition that dates back to the first season.
KATHERINE: My story. My nicknames. Nadia, didn't you lure Matt into your bed, in Prague.
NADIA: I didn't lure him.
AUDIENCE: She lured Rebekah, and Matt was just the bonus.
NADIA: Stop compelling him all the time. He's not a puppet.
RECAPPER: Right. He's a Pudding Pop, although I could be convinced to call him Pudding Poppet.
RANDOM NEW VAMP: I am in some ramshackle lab. Where am I? Who are you? Why am I so hungry?
WES: I'm a mad scientist, Joey. I've made you into a vampire. Now, I'm going make you into a vampire eating vampire.
AUDIENCE: If Aaron just stopped funding Augustine last week, why does Maxfield's hospital look like it's been abandoned since the '80s?
WES: It's the economy, Stupid.
RECAPPER: (It's the script. Stupid. Script. Stupid script.)
WES: Research is just money and time. I've got time. I'll find money.
WOMAN: Perhaps I can help you with that?
WES: Who the hell are you?
SLOAN: Sloan. I'm here to offer you new funding for your research. In exchange, I have blood I want you to analyze.
WES: I'm done getting into bed with mysterious benefactors.
AUDIENCE: You were in bed with Aaron? He was your ward.
WES: Whatever. I don't need your protection.
SLOAN: Look at this backpack. Aaron Whitmore's car was found abandoned in the middle of the road, last night. My guess is he's dead, and you're .
WES: Well, at least I got my syringe of Vampire-eating Ripper Juice back.
ENZO: Meanwhile, Damon leads me down to the Mossy Manse dungeon. I ask him if he'd like to travel to Cape Horn.
DAMON: I'm not thinking that far ahead.
RECAPPER: Same as it ever was.
ENZO: You Americans don't travel nearly enough.
DAMON: Rise and shine, Diane.
AUDIENCE: Diane?
RECAPPER: The Campus Security chief who interviewed Elena and Caroline, after Megan was killed.
DIANE: I'm black. In Mystic Falls. It's clear this is going to end badly for me.
DAMON: Where is Dr. Wes Maxfield?
DIANE: I haven't the foggiest.
ENZO: Okay, let me just snap your neck, then.
RECAPPER: Oh, so now you're Angel. Right.
AUDIENCE: You can't expect them to go an episode without imitating something from a Joss Whedon production.
RECAPPER: If they'd imitate the more substantive aspects of the Buffyverse, I'd be a lot happier.
STEFAN: I find Enzo, out in the woods, digging Diane's grave. He needs to find himself a new best friend. Enzo, you're making things with Damon worse. I know you need to blow off some steam, but do so elsewhere.
ENZO: Do-gooder.
STEFAN: You know what makes someone walk a straight line? When they have no choice but to be the balance, for somebody who's about to fall off the edge.
ENZO: Come join the fun. Looks like you could use it. Here, take this shovel and help me cover up our latest corpse.
STEFAN: Nah, I'm going to use it to threaten you. That's why you're now lying on your back with the shovel handle pressed against your guts.
ENZO: Bitch, please. I've been tortured for decades. Here, let me shove the handle into my own flesh.
STEFAN: What I do to you, Enzo, will be final. You got it?
AUDIENCE: Great. Make with the killing and let's move on.
STEFAN: Not yet. First, I have to let him further screw up my beloved brother and terrorize my friends.
KATHERINE: Back at the dorm, I ask Caroline for help in choosing my earrings for the bitter ball.
CAROLINE: Since when does Elena Gilbert accessorize?
AUDIENCE: Um, so are we to now pretend Elena was a schlub until Katherine took her bod for a spin?
RECAPPER: Stop thinking, dears. You're only going to hurt yourself.
CAROLINE: You're not fooling anyone. It's so obvious.
KATHERINE: Um.
RECAPPER: Relax, Kiki, a whole summer just passed without this brain trust realizing Stefan was missing and Bonnie was dead.
KATHERINE: Whew.
CAROLINE: Let's talk about me. And about me and Tyler. And about me and Klaus. You don't have to pretend with me, and you don't have to go to the ball. I can be Bitter, Party Of One.
RECAPPER: Wait. You're bitter?
TYLER: I know, right.
RECAPPER: Shoo. You're not in this scene.
KATHERINE: Do you think Stefan will want to come?
CAROLINE: Hey!
STEFAN: I call, "Elena" so she can ask me. Well, ostensibly, I call to talk about something, but we can't talk over the phone.
RECAPPER: Because Enzo works for the NSA? Whatever. Fortunately, this is one of the weeks where the college is just around the corner, instead of a few hours away.
STEFAN: Let it go.
RECAPPER: Never.
STEFAN: Elena, let's talk about Enzo.
KATHERINE: Um. Yeah. Come to the Bitter Ball with me. If it's bad, then I'll owe you a fun time.
CAROLINE: *seethes with jealousy*
TYLER: I find Matty at the bar and order something to obliterate Caroline's memory. Who's the new chick?
MATT: That's Katherine's daughter, and the psycho doesn't fall far from the tree.
NADIA: I can hear you.
MATT: You locked me in a safe and buried me.
NADIA: I'm grieving.
TYLER: Cool. Let's do shots and shit on our mothers' memories.
MATT: Ty, my mother hooked up with you.
AUDIENCE: Awkward.
TYLER: I have to pee.
NADIA: Hybrids pee?
MATT: There's got to be a fire hydrant joke in there, somewhere.
RECAPPER: Yes, there does, and it should have been mine. Thanks for spoiling it, Pudding Poppet. I was gonna go with: use the back alley fire hydrant, so you don't turn off our paying customers.
MATT: Don't call me Poppet.
RECAPPER: Nadia, while you're screwing with his mind, can you compel him to like his newest nickname?
NADIA: Certainly, provided you don't tell these people that my mother has hijacked Elena's body.
RECAPPER: Clearly, you haven't been reading the recaps. Even if I were to tell them, none of these tools ever listens to me.
NADIA: Very well, then. I turn on my compulsion eyes and ask Matt who Enzo is. Oh, and P.S., you love it when Cindy calls you Pudding Poppet.
MATT: I never met him, and sure, why not.
NADIA: You've heard of Enzo though, right?
TYLER: I haven't reached the bathroom yet, so I notice what's going on back at the bar. Is that chick compelling my BFF?
MATT: Enzo is Damon's Augustine cellmate. I think he's free.
NADIA: Forget everything I've said since Tyler left.
TYLER: No way will I let this continue.
JEREMY: I've traveled all the way around the corner, from Mystic Falls to Whitmore, to go to a dance Bonnie invited me to, but apparently we can't go together, because it's a singles thing. Can't we just get a room?
BONNIE: Caroline would kill me.
JEREMY: We're happy. Can't we just act like it?
DAMON: Let me change that. I'm here to kidnap your boyfriend. I need a witch to do a locator spell on this cloth stained with Dr. Wes Maxfield's blood.
JEREMY: You're not going to hurt me. Elena would...
DAMON: Hurt me? Dump me?
BONNIE: Kill you.
ENZO: I'll smush the boy's head in, until Bonnie agrees to find a witch for Damon.
BONNIE: Fortunately, I met one at the top of the hour.
CONTRIVANCE FAIRY: You're welcome.
KATHERINE: When I'm at the Bitter Ball, Nadia texts me to tell me Enzo is Damon's dangerous cellmate. Then I see Stefan, so I make him dance with me.
STEFAN: You seem good.
KATHERINE: I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm great. I'm the only non-bitter person at this Bitter Ball.
STEFAN: Listen, Damon has gotten himself into some bad stuff.
KATHERINE: Getting hurt and lashing out is Damon's gift. I tried to change him, but I think he ended up changing me. I'm not sure I like who I've become. Do you like who I am, or miss who I was?
STEFAN: Um...
KATHERINE: Let's change the subject. What did Damon and Enzo do, now?
STEFAN: We'll talk about it later.
CAROLINE: Elena, come join me at the shredding station.
KATHERINE: For reals?
TYLER: Back at the Mystic Grill, I try to convince Matt that Nadia is compelling him. It's harder than you think.
MATT: I'm wearing my vervain bracelet, see? Oh. Where'd that go?
TYLER: Go drink some vervain-laced coffee, before Nadia gets back.
KATHERINE: Are you done shredding yet?
CAROLINE: Just let me shred this OMG Caroline + Pony sketch.
KLAUS/CAROLINE 'SHIPPERS: YOU CUT US TO THE QUICK!
KATHERINE: Tyler drew that?
CAROLINE: Klaus.
KATHERINE: LOL.
CAROLINE: These relationships are over and I'm not changing my mind because I'm bored or lonely.
KATHERINE: Are you doing that thing where you're talking about yourself, but you're really talking about me?
CAROLINE: Well, I am still me.
AUDIENCE: At least one of you is.
DAMON: Bonnie and I enter the Bitter Ball. So glad I'm not 19 and stupid, anymore.
RECAPPER: Yeah, because 170-ish and stupid is so much more attractive. Sigh.
AUDIENCE: They really just need to never have Damon mention ages. Stefan, either. Aren't we supposed to think they're like eternally 21 and 17.
RECAPPER: What did I tell you about thinking?
AUDIENCE: Right.
DAMON: Bonnie, where's your little witch friend?
BONNIE: See that caterer, there. The blonde. Her name is Liv Parker. She's in one of my classes. She's not my friend. This is a shot in the dark.
DAMON: I'm feeling lucky.
RECAPPER: I'm feeling bored.
CAROLINE: I corner Stefan and ask him why he came. It seems Damon fell off the deep end. He killed Aaron Whitmore.
STEFAN: I came to tell Elena, but she's so happy, I just can't. If she knows, she'll give up on him, forever, and I won't be able to pull Damon back from that. When he's hurting, he wants to confirm everyone's lowest expectations of him. I don't know how to fight that side of him.
DAMON: Why so dramatic, Stefan?
STEFAN: Hi Pot!
CAROLINE: What's going on, Bonnie?
DAMON: Bonnie's finding me a witch who can locate Dr. Wes Maxfield, so I can kill him. Bonbon, should I tell them?
BONNIE: Enzo has Jeremy. If I don't get a witch to find Wes by midnight, Jeremy is dead. Take a look at my shackled sweetie on this PRODUCT PLACEMENT phone. We totally should have gotten a room.
KATHERINE: Damn it, why did I have to be in hearing range of all this? I run off like I'm upset.
CAROLINE: None of us chase after "Elena," even though Jeremy's last death inspired her to turn off her humanity and burn down her house.
NADIA: This gives mom a chance to call me and ask if she has to act like she cares about Jeremy.
KATHERINE: I'm just saying his death would be really convenient.
NADIA: Katherine, Elena would care about nothing else. They're so going to figure you out.
KATHERINE: Damn it. He's at the Whitmore House.
NADIA: Save him, now.
KATHERINE: Fine, but in the meantime, find out from Matt if Caroline has feelings for Stefan.
MATT: I find Nadia out behind the Grill and ask who keeps calling her.
NADIA: I compel Matt to tell me if Caroline has feelings for Stefan.
MATT: I don't do this chick shit.
NADIA: Forget we had this conversation.
TYLER: I come out, just as Nadia's walking off. Hey, Matt, was I right?
AUDIENCE: Hey Tyler, did you forget that not only do hybrids have VAMPIRIC hearing, so do VAMPIRES?
MATT: Ty, you aren't going to believe what I'm about to tell you.
NADIA: You're not going to tell him anything, on account of how I'm giving him a broken neck nap.
STEFAN: I find "Elena" at the dance. Crying, she throws herself in my arms, and begs me to help her save Jeremy.
KATHERINE: Tee hee.
RECAPPER: Other than the momentary, physical connection, I don't see how this is at all emotionally satisfying to you, Kiki.
BONNIE: I find WHITE WITCH, and get down to business. I know she's a witch.
WHITE WITCH: I have no idea what you're talking about. And hey, stop calling me that.
RECAPPER: Nope. This is for Diane, whitey. And for all the late characters of color.
KATHERINE: As revenge goes, Cindy, that's pretty lame.
RECAPPER: I know. That "pen is mightier than the sword" crap is quite often just crap. They won't let me have a sword though. Or a gun. Or even a say in how the show is written. Let me enjoy my impotent pettiness.
KATHERINE: You're a shadow of your former self.
RECAPPER: You don't think I know that?
KATHERINE: No, it's obvious. I just wanted to turn the tables on you. Now stop making me be introspective, and let me enjoy my proximity to Stefan.
RECAPPER: Fine, once I'm covering a scene you're actually in. Right now, we're with Bonnie and White Witch.
BONNIE: I tell Whitey I used to be a witch. She tries to act like I'm crazy, but I press the issue. It's clear White Witch isn't confident in her abilities. She tries to storm off.
CAROLINE: So I swoop in, vamp out, and threaten her.
WHITE WITCH: Vampires are real. That makes sense.
OZ: I came to terms with this, so much better.
AUDIENCE: Word.
BONNIE: Focus!
DAMON: How long is this going to take?
CAROLINE: For a newbie witch under massive stress to learn a complicated spell? I have no idea.
BONNIE: Repeat after me. Face Matt toes. Tree bum. Nasty bare ass. Sangria excretum.
WHITE WITCH: Wait. What?
BONNIE: Relax. Face Matt toes. Tree bum.
WHITE WITCH: What she said.
BONNIE Nasty bare ass.
WHITE WITCH: Ditto.
BONNIE: Sangria excretum.
WHITE WITCH: Yeah that.
WIND: I whip up.
CANDLES: We flare.
CHANDELIER: I take a dive.
DAMON: Is this a good sign?
WHITE WITCH: I can't do this. I've done horrible things. Set buildings on fire. Hurt people.
CAROLINE: We didn't know them, so it doesn't matter.
ENZO: I call Damon and ask what's taking so long. When he tells me their witch has a glitch, I motivate them by saying over speaker that Jeremy will be dead, very soon.
CAROLINE: Damon, call him back and end this.
DAMON: Nope.
ENZO: Alone with Jeremy in the Whitmore House, I decide to play with my food. I find a big sheet of plastic wrap in this immaculate room.
CONTRIVANCE FAIRY: You're welcome.
ENZO: Ta, love. And I use it to suffocate the lad.
JEREMY: I pass out, like you do, but that seems awfully quick.
BONNIE: Meanwhile, I tell White Witch all the bad stuff I did, but that doesn't make her feel better, so I show her a picture of my sweet jailbait boyfriend.
WHITE WITCH: That convinces me, but if I go all Carrie, it's on you.
KATHERINE: Stefan and I find Damon holding Jeremy at the Whitmore House. I have to do CPR on the kid. Ew.
AUDIENCE: Ew? You eat people.
STEFAN: I told you go get out of Dodge, Enzo.
RECAPPER: Now, you'll be staking him, yeah?
STEFAN: Apparently, we're going to fight.
KATHERINE: I beat the hell out of Jeremy's chest until he gasps back to life.
ENZO: I throw a handily stake-shaped piece of kindling into "Elena's" back.
CONTRIVANCE FAIRY: Your gratitude does not go unnoticed.
DAMON: When I arrive on the scene, Enzo tells me I missed all the fun. Who cares? The spell worked. Wes is in Richmond.
ENZO: Brilliant, I'll drive.
MOSSY MANSE: Quick! Close the gates. Protect me!
STEFAN: Hey, Damon. Don't bother coming back.
DAMON: I wasn't planning on it.
MOSSY MANSE: Thank God. Bonnie, while you're at it, could you convince Whitey to do a de-invite spell not just on me, but on the entire grounds? Bonnie? Bonnie?
KATHERINE: I try to glare at Damon, like I think Elena would, but it's really hard not to smirk. Thankfully, he's quick to leave.
TYLER: I wake up in the alley. Matt tells me I was right about Nadia. She was compelling Matt to...talk about Katherine. What? Do I buy this?
AUDIENCE: Sadly, it seems you do.
RECAPPER: Why don't you kids have code words by now?
MATT: It's not in the script. Anyhow, once Tyler warns me to stay away from Nadia, he takes off, so I join Nadia, possibly in my truck. She says if he follows us, she'll kill us both. I've figured it all out. Nadia's boyfriend once planted himself in my mind. That's how they were planning on saving Katherine. Katherine's hitching a ride inside Elena.
NADIA: The only thing easier than breaking your neck is taking off your life ring. We've got to get the vervain out of your system, then we'll see what's for you.
RECAPPER: Poor Pudding Poppet.
RECAPPER: Wait. I have more to say. How come Matt didn't wink at Tyler or something to let Tyler know things aren't on the up and up? Tyler is a hybrid. Nadia is a vampire. Tyler's venom is fatal to vampires. I don't care if Nadia is 500 years old or whatever. One nip and she's a goner!
CONTRIVANCE FAIRY: You can probably find a shooting script online, but c'mon. You know I'm to thank.
DAMON: Enzo and I get to Wes's dump of a hospital. The lights are on the fritz. I tell Enzo he gets the pleasure of doing away with Wes. Enzo wonders if I'm having second thoughts, but Elena and Stefan are done with me, so I have nothing to go home to.
RECAPPER: If you expect me to feel sorry for you right now, Damon, you're even crazier than I thought.
ENZO: Um, Damon, who are all these people chanting at us in Czech, or possibly Bulgarian?
WES: They're my backup.
SLOAN and COMPANY: Elvis elephant's toupee. Elvis elephant's toupee. Elvis elephant's toupee.
ENZO: Oi, I've got a mystical migraine! Witches?
DAMON: Close enough. Travelers.
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WES: I inject Damon with the Vampire-eating Ripper Serum and wish him good luck making new friends.
AUDIENCE: Oh Wes, he was already so anti-social, he makes Sherlock look like Caroline.
SPONSORS: A word.
RECAPPER: Reign looks like cheesy fun? Is it, or is it just processed cheese food? Tweet at me, and let me know what you think.
KATHERINE: After the break, I'm vogueing in front of the mirror. While Stefan seems to notice how cute I am, he doesn't do anything about it, so I ask him to check and see if I still have a splinter in my back.
MUSIC: I get all sexy and wistful, in case you missed what's going on here.
STEFAN: "Elena" actually does have a splinter in her back. I get it out.
KATHERINE: That was a stroke of luck. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to slip my strap off my shoulder, and look even sexier for honey bunny. Stefan, I think I know what you wanted to tell me, tonight.
STEFAN: What's that?
KATHERINE: Damon killed Aaron, didn't he? You walked right into Whitmore House. You couldn't have done that, were Aaron still alive. I thought we could be honest with each other, no matter what.
AUDIENCE: Kiki, you're laying it on a little thick. Careful.
STEFAN: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. To be honest, ever since I noticed you were falling for Damon, I've been waiting for him to screw up until you hate him. Whenever I think he's gone too far, he comes through for you, sometimes in ways better than I ever have. After a while, I stopped waiting for him to fail, because I liked who he had become. I don't want to lose that person.
ELENA: He threatened my brother. I can't go back to that. But if you want to save him from himself, I'll help you. Not for myself. Not for him. For you. Now let's embrace.
STEFAN: Why not?
KATHERINE: *Basks*
CAROLINE: *Barges in*
DAMON: Meanwhile, I wake up, in Richmond.
ENZO: What did Wes stick you with?
DAMON: If he stuck me with that cannibal vampire poison, we might have problem.
ENZO: What kind of problem?
RECAPPER: A bad dialogue problem, for one thing.
DAMON: Yeah, do I have to spell this out?
ENZO: No, I understand what the word cannibal means. It's just the script that's making you exposit, unnecessarily. Let's follow that noise until we see where it leads.
JOEY: So, I'm still chained up in another room. Can you get me out of here? I don't want to be here. I need to get out.
DAMON: Sure, fellow vamp. Oh, look at your juicy, delicious blood. It's bringing on my game face.
JOEY: What's happening to you?
DAMON: I'm going to go ahead and say karma. Karma is happening to me. Gobble gobble slurp slurp.
ENZO: Damon? Damon, stop!
DAMON: Sure, just as soon as I rip off Joey's head.
RECAPPER: If you throw away Elena's cell phone, you and me are gonna have a problem, bub. And for heaven's sake, wipe your chin!
ENZO: Okay. I can see how this might be a problem.
AUDIENCE: Good. Can you explain it to the writers?
Title card.
I'll be back after February 27th's "No Exit." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we hate nothing about you.