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It's the Sex Issue!
Betty wants to have sex with Matt, but he's being weird about it. After Betty stalks him to his therapist's, it turns out that Matt has slept with many, many women. Many. No, more than that. Betty appears to assume it's a couple hundred. Betty has a problem with that, but gets over it. And they have sex.
Hilda is grudgingly going out with Councilman Archie, and is about to break it off when she discovers that his old girlfriend is still into him. So they have wild sex in Hilda's salon chair. They break up briefly, but get back together in time to, we can assume, have more wild sex.
Molly takes Daniel to a poetry slam, where she reads a poem about how Daniel cries when he has sex. I think. Poetry is subject to multiple interpretations. That subplot ends with Daniel singing a terrible song he wrote during his misspent youth. Then they probably have sex.
Wilhelmina is having trouble sleeping, because she keeps dreaming that Connor is back. Marc gets her a hot nanny to watch William, but he tells her what she needs is closure. Not sex. So she fires him, which for Wilhelmina might well count as sex.
During all of this, Ignacio, Elena, and Justin are on a camping trip. I'm going to assume that there wasn't any sex, because they were being mean enough to Justin just taking him camping in the first place.
Would Daniel make good boyfriend material? Or is he more the one-night stand type? Get our take, then discuss this episode in our forums!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Betty and Matt walk to her house as Matt reluctantly admits that her favorite pizza place is slightly superior to his. And as he gives her a fancy insect-shaped hair clip to celebrate their monthiversary (which is not a word), Ignacio bangs open the door, pushing them apart. Foreshadowing! Ignacio is gathering supplies for an upcoming camping trip with Elena, Elena's nephews, and Justin. He doesn't mention if hilarious hijinx will ensue, but I think they probably will.
Meanwhile, Hilda and Councilman Archie come in the back door. Hilda tries to extricate herself as Archie goes in for a kiss over and over again. Archie doesn't take hints very well. Luckily for Hilda, Ignacio bangs open the door on his way back into the house and separates them. Ignacio grovels a bit at Archie. I think Ignacio should be dating Councilman Archie, because he clearly likes him more than Hilda does. Justin enters, complaining about the idea of going camping.
Wilhelmina is lying awake in her bed when she hears someone singing "You Are My Sunshine." She walks out to the living room and sees Connor holding her baby. The music swells, she smiles... and then she wakes up. See, it was obviously a dream sequence because we saw someone taking care of the baby. Zing!
At the Mode office, Daniel is giving the whole team a pep talk about the upcoming Sex Issue. It's their first sex issue, and the cover shows a white guy and a black woman, both naked and wrapped in an American flag. The tag line is "Oh Yes! You Can: Sex in the Age of Obama". Sheesh. Daniel emphasizes that they need new advertisers and to make sure their overnight numbers are good. Betty suggests a tie-in with the Website, which seems like a fairly obvious idea. But Betty is still delighted to have her idea approved, and she raises her hand for a high-five from Amanda. Amanda chooses instead to slap Betty's butt. Then she smirks. I think. Okay, technically her expression doesn't change at all, but I think Amanda's always kind of smirking.
At this point in the proceedings, Wilhelmina lets out a huge yawn and excuses herself by saying she had a late night. We move to Wili's office, where she's staring out the window when Marc enters. Marc has some kind of message about the Olsen twins and influence, but Wili is staring blankly. Marc shrieks that she's dead, but it turns out she was just taking a nap. With her eyes open. As Marc tries to clean up Wili's desk, he finds a picture of Connor, which gives him ideas. Meanwhile, Wili is still complaining that she can't sleep. "I can't even take a sleeping pill because of that damn baby." She means William. The baby's name is William. Just thought I'd remind you, because the show probably won't. Wili asks Marc for help, and he appears to think it's now his job to sex her up. But what she really wants is a Night Nanny. Marc tries to talk to her about her "other night needs that aren't being met," but she's back to staring blankly.
Betty walks by Amanda's post, and gets pounced upon. Amanda thinks they should write a thing for the web about Fun Sex (Amanda's department) versus Boring Relationship Sex (Betty's department). When Betty suggests "The Modern-Day Mating Rituals" or some equally boring topic, Amanda calls her a slut and asks what she's hiding. Specifically, Amanda wants to know if Matt's a "leather pig" or if he's into "ice cubing". Betty is grossed out, even though she's not sure what "ice cubing" even means. When Betty admits that she doesn't actually know what Matt is into, Amanda is shocked and appalled because they've been dating for, like, a year. Betty corrects her that it's only been a month, but that's pretty much the same thing to Amanda. Amanda thinks that Betty is letting a perfectly good billionaire go to waste. "What the hell are you waiting for?" is a hard line to purr, but Amanda gives it a try.
Back in Queens, Betty is taking out the garbage while Hilda comments on Betty's lip gloss. It seems that Betty's hoping that tonight will be "the night". This does not match up with Hilda's in-your-face style, because she thinks Betty should just tell Matt that it's time for the sexin'. Hilda tries to take a look at Betty's bra, but this ain't that kind of party. As they get to the front of the house, we see Ignacio loading up the car with luggage more appropriate for a month in the jungle than two days in the Poconos. Justin complains that he isn't being allowed to bring a blowdryer, and is not mollified by the news that there's no electricity. Then there's a thing about Ignacio being grossed out by the news that Betty's lip gloss means she's intending to have sex.
Molly's place. Or possibly Daniel's. I'm not sure. Daniel is doing some sort of post-it based magazine work, and Molly asks him what he thinks of her doing a poetry slam. He's not really paying attention, and laughs it off. Once he knows what's going on, he appears to approve of the idea. Then he transitions into a story about some awful high school band he was in. He was the guitarist and wrote a song called "Crash and Burn." Sounds awful, doesn't it? Apparently it was, because he was laughed off the stage in his high school battle of the bands. The point is that he's afraid of performing in front of people. He's vulnerable!
In Manhattan, Matt and Betty reach the end of a date. Matt enfolds Betty's face in his hands and gives her a kiss. When he suggests getting her a cab, Betty puts on a sultry voice and has a countersuggestion involving his place and the color of the walls. I've just noticed that the strummy alt-rock neighbor also had his place repainted. Is Betty just attracted to guys who have their apartments repainted? That'd be kind of weird. I'm probably reading too much into it. Anyway, Matt hustles a protesting Betty into the cab, and away she goes. The cab driver laughs at her and says "That guy couldn't get rid of you fast enough!" Well, there goes the New York Cab Driver reputation for tact and discretion!
Back in Queens, Hilda hangs up the phone and complains to Betty that it's weird for Archie to call her an hour after the date to say he had a good time. Betty is not sympathetic to Hilda's complaints that Archie's too into him, because Matt's being weird. Hilda shrugs that maybe she'll dump Archie and tells Betty that she's probably being to subtle. "You're very subtle. That's your style." Incidentally, Betty is drinking orange juice and eating pickles. That can't be good for your stomach lining, can it?
Suddenly, Amanda is laying down the law for Betty: "Rule #1: Never be subtle." Amanda's got rules. She also thinks the 1950s were a hundred years ago, which sort of makes sense if she thinks a month is a year. She's just not that good at time. At the news that it's still dry in Betty County (Amanda's words, not Betty's. Obviously), Amanda wants to teach Betty how to be sexy. She's got moves! And she thinks it'll be good for their article. Boy, these people do a lot of research for their web articles. I bet they're jealous that all I do is watch a television show a couple of times. Anyway, Betty sort of agrees to go along with Amanda's weird plans, and Amanda starts doing some kind of touchdown dance. Hmm. Amanda isn't being mean here, really. I think that's why she's coming off weird. I mean, weird in a different way than her usual sleepy-eyed come-ons. And why isn't she winking? No time for that now, because she's gotten a text from Daniel entitled "COME TO A POETRY SLAM". That's something you never want to hear from your boss. The tiny text claims that it's a "sure to be stimulating evening". Oh really, now. Amanda thinks it's lame. Betty thinks it's cool and enthuses about it to Daniel. Daniel hands Molly's poem to Betty, who reads about the Softly Caressing Waves and quickly comes to the conclusion that it's about Molly having sex with Daniel. Daniel thinks it's about the ocean.
Betty quotes some of the poetry: "I lay my head on the soft, pale sand, breathing in his salty scent." And there's a rock which Betty thinks is Daniel's head, because it's crying. Daniel is vehement that rocks don't cry, and I'm starting to suspect that his song "Crash and Burn" was about a car actually crashing and burning.
Amanda lets Betty into the Manhattan apartment. Betty thinks it's weird to be back, and Amanda gets weird: "I miss the me I was with us." Suddenly! A curtain twitches aside and Marc enters, saying it's time for "Operation Betty-Sexification!" Betty thought it was going to be "just us girls", and yes, obviously. And here we have another of those scenes where Amanda and Marc stare directly into the camera. Marc says they only have two hours and shines a green flashlight on Betty. I shall assume that's a reference to the "Hot or Not?" television show, where they used a laser pointer. Um, not that I watched that show.
Amanda recommends using all six senses: sound, smell, taste, touch, sight and style. Marc has no time for Betty's quibbling about whether style is a sense, and it's time for Sound! Well, that just involves an iPod, some weird music, and Marc and Amanda bopping up and down. up is Smell, in the form of a perfume that makes Betty sneeze. For Taste, Marc demonstrates how to wrap your lips around a straw to "show him your lips are available and open for business." Betty looks terrified. Marc counsels Betty to eat slowly and seductively as Amanda delicately takes a fingertip's worth of frosting off a cupcake. Then she jams the whole thing in her mouth. Have you noticed how the character with the running gag about eating everything in sight is the skinny one? That's kind of different. For Touch, Marc waves a purple feather at Betty and encourages her to "ignite his pleasure center with a soft graze." Amanda blows in Betty's ear for no apparent reason. Sight and Style break down to the Art of the Seductive Hair-Flip, which Amanda and Marc (in a blond wig) demonstrate at length. They just stand there flipping their hair back and forth saying "Flip! Flip! Flip!" over and over again. You just know this happens at this apartment every night, regardless of Betty's presence. Which is why I want to see more of this apartment! Finally, Amanda hands Betty a ladle, saying she'll know what to do with it when the time is right. Sounds like that ice cream scoop thing in Stripes. With one final "Betty Suarez is getting some strange tonight!" they leave.
Wilhelmina is in bed when she hears some growls from somewhere. She stands up and grabs a baseball bat from under her bed. I don't know if that's a good place to keep it; won't it just make it easier for the monsters that live down there? She creeps out to the living room and brandishes it. There's a guy reaching under her couch! And he's got... a pacifier? Oh, it's her new night nanny, James. He was reading Goldilocks to William (hey! He knows the baby's name!) and got carried away with the noises. He is a handsome black man. I only mention that because it sets up a really funny line by Wilhelmina in a few scenes. She leaves the nanny, but does take a few looks at his butt on the way out.
Archie and Hilda are at a place called La Nueva, and Archie won't shut up about how pretty Hilda is. She pats his hand and is about to tell him how nice a guy he is, when a blonde version of Hilda shows up. She's Felissa, and she used to be Archie's girlfriend.
In Molly's apartment, Daniel is reading a book called "You're Broke Because You Want to Be," and I'm not sure his financial situation is exactly right for that kind of book. He's broke because some guy stole all his money, not because his business model is unrealistic or because he's bad at managing money. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if he was bad at managing money, but in a world with a 24-hour live Style News Network, Mode's business model is presumably one of the least unrealistic things around. Daniel tells her that he has some thoughts on her poem. From an editorial perspective. He mostly thinks the waves should be Hard and Crashing instead of Soft and Caressing. And maybe the rock could stop crying. Essentially, he doesn't want to come off like a wuss in her poem. Whoo! Let's kick it up a notch up here in this poetry slam! Rock-hard waves, y'all! Daniel's concern is that she's going to read the poem in public. Well, in my limited experience. a poetry slam isn't really "public." It's like eight people, most of whom are working on their own pieces. And since when are you allowed to write your slam poetry ahead of time?
Ahem. Sorry about that. Back to the show, not my own issues with poetry slams. Molly decides that if that's how Daniel feels, she'll just read an entirely different poem. Daniel sighs.
Back to Queens. Felissa is draped all over Archie, and Hilda is gritting her teeth.
Betty's Manhattan apartment. An iPod plays sexay music. Matt enters (because, hey, why lock your door in Manhattan, right?), and tells an offstage Betty that they should get going if they're going to make it to the movie. Betty pushes open a curtain and looks pretty good as she purrs, "What's your hurry, soldier?" Then she winks, which I shall assume she learned from Amanda. Betty drinks a Mojito while walking aggressively at Madd until she corners him on a couch. She tickles his face with a purple plume. It doesn't look like she's igniting his pleasure centers. Finally, Matt freaks out and runs away. He tells her that it's not her, it's him, but that does not appear to reassure her. He leaves, and she looks sad. By the way, this didn't occur to me until I read the forums, but it's kind of weird that Betty was planning on having sex in an apartment that's now Marc and Amanda's.
Meanwhile, Hilda and Archie are having sex in Hilda's salon chair. Hilda dreamily tells him that she was planning on dumping him until they were interrupted by Felissa. Archie is kind of insulted by that, and then he's very insulted. He gathers his clothes and leaves.
The day, at Mode. Wilhelmina accuses Marc of choosing someone who is not a qualified childcare professional. Marc points out that one of James's male-modeling gigs was for a diaper commercial, so there you go. Then he calls him "Manny Poppins" and suggests that he could help Wili get her groove back. Wili claims that her groove is fine, but Marc knows that she hasn't had one of her weekly "car washes" since before Connor. Marc: "He is totally hot. He looks like Taye Diggs." Wili: "What is it with white people and Taye Diggs?" Ha! Anyway, when Marc starts to get a different nanny, Wili decides that James can stay. And that Marc should book her a Brazilian, but she claims it's completely unrelated.
Betty tells Marc and Amanda that nothing happened. They are shocked and insist that she must not have used the hair flip or the ladle. And they're right; I didn't see Betty try the ladle. Betty tells them that Matt ran away. Marc: "Oh my god, he's gay!" Amanda: "Or a virgin." Marc: "Or a woman." Amanda: "Mmm. That feels right." Betty says that Matt texted her that he's working through lunch, and they insist that Betty march over to Matt's office. And then they go with her, saying that Betty can also buy them lunch.
Outside Matt's office, they see Matt come out on the sidewalk. He's not working through lunch! Amanda and Marc insist on following him, and Betty runs after them. The music gets all '60s-mod, sort of like you'd hear if the Adam West Batman went to a Go-Go Club. They follow Matt through a series of fancy miniature screens (I realize that doesn't explain it very well, but if you saw the episode, you know what I mean) and finally see him meet... a woman! Amanda is convinced that Matt's two-timing Betty. Amanda lives for the moments when she learns that someone is two-timing someone else. She's probably only sad that Marc's also there, because now she won't get the fun of telling him. Marc, Amanda and Betty are hiding behind three conveniently placed mailboxes, and Marc shoves Betty out into the open. Betty gives an indignant squeal that's just loud enough to attract Matt's attention. As Matt asks Betty what the deal is, Marc and Amanda walk past behind Betty in an ostentatiously nonchalant manner. They might as well be holding up a sign saying "Pay us no attention; we are ordinary pedestrians out on a perfectly normal errand." Betty admits to following Matt, and Matt introduces Betty to Helen, who is his therapist. Helen invites Betty to come upstairs with them.
In Helen's office, Helen assures Betty that she can say or not say anything she wants to say. Or not say. Betty asks Matt what his deal is and immediately starts telling him that it's okay if he doesn't like her "that way" or if he's a virgin and so on, until Matt can finally get a word in. No, Matt is not virgin. He's been with a lot of women. A lot of women. But now he's made a contract with Helen that he wouldn't have sex with anyone he hadn't made a connection with. So when he got close to Betty, he freaked out and had to go talk to Helen. Betty claims that this clears everything up.
Talking to Daniel, Betty makes it clear that everything is not cleared up. She thinks Matt's had sex with hundreds of women. "Man, what a dog!" says Daniel, approvingly. Although he then realizes that maybe he shouldn't be praising Matt's horndog behavior. Moving on, Betty tells Daniel she's looking forward to hearing Molly read her poem. Daniel tells her that he made Molly change poems, because "I can't exactly have her reading stuff about her sex life in front of everyone I work with." Betty points out that his sex life has been obnoxiously public for years and thinks he doesn't mind people knowing he's a playboy, but doesn't want people knowing he cries when he's with the woman he loves. Does he cry during the sex? That's kind of weird. Daniel: "Okay, you're making me sound like an ass." Betty: "Well, you kind of are." It's true. Betty runs it down for him about how his dying girlfriend wrote a poem about how much she loves him and now he's trying to stifle it. She leaves, and he looks like he feels like a jerk.
Queens! Hilda does Betty's hair and Betty is surprised that Hilda apologized to Archie. Archie is coming over in an hour and Hilda's going to patch things up with him. Betty's now bothered by the idea of sex with Matt, because she'll feel like "one of hundreds". The doorbell rings, but it is not Archie. It's Felissa, saying "I decided I want Archie back." The music clearly assumes there's going to be a catfight. Felissa informs Hilda that "Archie loves him some vanilla ice cream" as she points to herself. Hilda is not about to be out-food-metaphored, though: "Well, no offence, but I don't think Archie's gonna go back to vanilla when he has tasted hot, melted caramel surprise." Felissa has had enough of the metaphor game: "What's the surprise? Your fat ass?" And it is on. Felissa pours some gunk over a wig, and there's a fight with Betty in the middle. Archie shows up to see the action, and we cut to:
Wili's place. James is holding William, and Wili comes out to light a fire. Via remote control. And the sexay music also kicks in. James puts William down, and Wili spots some spit-up on James's shirt. She has him take off his shirt because she was just about to do a load of laundry. That might be the least realistic thing in this episode. There is a long shot of James's muscled torso.
Poetry slam! And it's really well attended, too. Matt tells Betty that he's glad they both talked with Helen and that everything's out in the open. Betty claims that she is too, but then Matt waves to a blonde in the crowd. He assures her that the blonde works at a coffee shop near his apartment, and nothing else. Betty drains her martini.
Wili assures James that his shirt will be done soon and walks into the living room to start putting on the moves. But James is singing "You Are My Sunshine" in harmony with the Connor of her dreams. Wili starts crying and throws herself on a couch.
At the slam, somebody finishes a poem featuring the phrase "insecurity blanket". Daniel encourages Molly to read her original poem. She's pleased!
Wili is enfolded in James's arms, pouring out her soul about how she should never have allowed Connor in, and now she can't stop thinking about him. James: "Shhhh. Let it out." Wili: "I don't wanna let it out. I just wanna have sex!" But she's still crying, even when she tells James to take his pants off. James suggests that she needs closure on Connor more than sex. "And focus on your baby." Well, it's worth a try. So far, she has completely ignored young William's existence. She thanks him. And then, since there will be no sex, she fires him. And throws him out of the apartment without letting him get his shirt back. She probably feels more like her old self, not that she's firing people.
Molly finishes her poem (we don't hear how it ends) and gets applause. Betty and Matt are served the bill, and Betty watches the (blonde, female) server's lips go close to Matt's lips and starts to imagine that all the women in the bar are wearing white shirts bearing numbers from 1 to 200, indicating when they had sex with Matt. She snaps out of it, but staggers away from the table, claiming that she has to talk to Daniel about something.
Archie comes back into the Suarez place, reporting that he's gotten rid of Felissa. Hilda explains that she thinks maybe she should try going out with a nice guy for once, instead of someone who's a creep or married. Archie says that he always goes out with the bad girls, but Hilda makes him admit that he loved having two girls fighting over him. They agree they'll give things another chance and start kissing. And just then, Ignacio enters. He decides he should start wearing a bell.
The night-time streets of Manhattan. Betty and Matt agree that they liked Molly's poem. Betty claims that Daniel doesn't cry at work every day. Betty tries to get a cab, but Matt asks her to come up to his place. Betty admits that she's freaked out about Matt's vast experience. He claims that she'll be the first woman he's slept with that he actually cares about, which is cheesy even for Betty. Luckily, Betty likes cheesy.
Molly comes out of her bathroom in a robe and sees a picture of Daniel in his high school rock regalia. He's got a Flying V and a headband. And Daniel is there in person, wearing sunglasses and holding an acoustic guitar. He starts playing his song, which involves the phrase "Just me and my special lady" and does indeed sound like a high schooler wrote it.
Wili tosses restlessly and looks at her baby. Archie and Hilda eat popcorn and watch a movie. Molly is charmed by Daniel and hugs him. Unfortunately, the song continues. Matt and Betty embrace in front of Matt's building. Betty feints toward the street, but she's clearly kidding. They go in, presumably to have sex.
...and that's that! Ugly Betty is going on hiatus after this episode, but they've got some clips from the distant future, including a repo man at Mode and Christina suggesting that maybe she's William's mother instead of Wilhelmina.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of Ugly Betty's Soapiest Moments!
Monty has a blog devoted to Movie Novelizations, cleverly entitled Monty on Movie Novelizations. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.