By Jacob
Daniel visits Alexis in jail for the whole Christina thing, and she sadly tells him about DJ's persona. Namely, that the person to blame for his annoying Francoteenistic presence is her former gonads. And looking at the fake-ass body double Daniel tackles , she's about to blow another one. Wilhelmina blocks Claire's financial pressure on the District Attorney with pressure of a more whips-and-chains type, and her obvious S&M tendencies finally come to light. She gets him to up Alexis's charges from Misdemeanor Pushing A Gorgeous-But-Useless Pregnant Scottish Lass Down Some Stairs to Attempted Murder Of A Scion-Bearing Womb.
Later, Wili visits Alexis and offers a deal: clemency in exchange for Alexis's shares of Meade. She declines, and eventually it's Claire who strikes the deal: Alexis will split her shares between Wili's fake baby and Daniel, making Wili and Daniel co-EICs and giving her half of Meade overall. This is amazing, and Wili takes it in stride: 50% is hers now, 50% remains to be gotten.
Meanwhile, Gio has returned with a cart full of sandwiches and a notebook full of judgments, more than prepared to make Betty feel like a total asshole as usual. Excited to see him and hear all about the Rome trip she crapped on, she's shocked -- shocked -- when Gio's judgmental ass explains that the trip was horrible, she is horrible, and she is banned from both his life and the world of sandwiches. She spends the entire episode trying to make it up to him, but as he explains -- and he has a point -- she's not interested in changing anything, just making herself feel better. He finally admits, heartbreakingly, that she broke his heart, and she gets it. So once again, Gio shows up and Betty turns out to be a dick.
Speaking of, Tony's all over Hilda until a case of mistaken identity -- resulting from the use of Betty's apartment, of course -- leads Tony's wife to visit Hilda and beg her to make her sister Betty reconsider stealing her husband. This is brilliant because it's a total confrontation with the wife under the auspices of being a sympathetic confrontation with the wife, and pretty much redeems all of Hilda's stupidity this season. She acts her ass off, dumping Tony -- not on the eve of, mind you, but -- hours after he's actually told his wife they're through. Citing Santos, she says she cannot be a part of another woman's life falling apart. Which, of course, leaves Tony in the crapper, but: tough beans, cutie.
Daniel spends the entire episode trying to kidnap DJ, via Betty, so his wonderful and lovely French grandparents can't get him. Betty thinks the PO'd wife is the grandparents, so they hurry DJ down the fire escape into Gio's cheesy/meaty van and over to Coney Island for a day of fun, bad food, and ... overhearing Daniel admitting to Betty that he's not actually the father. DJ runs off and spends some time alone, but Betty has explained the point of this episode -- that Betty Suarez Land, Daniel Meade Land, and Hilda Suarez Land are fun places to visit but by living there you hurt everybody -- and Daniel lets DJ go with style. She takes this wisdom home, letting Gio be mad and admitting she didn't actually care that he was mad so much as she was worried about being the good guy. All in all, good use of Gio, although Betty's sudden lack of introspection is, as usual, upsetting.
DJ leaves town, Daniel forgives Alexis as she leaves the country and the show for the time being, Claire and Alexis have another one of those wicked hardcore goodbye scenes that this year have become the emotional backbone of the show, and... I guess we get to see Daniel's reaction to Claire selling his ass to Wili week. I, for one, cannot wait. We're back to status quo, which normally annoys me, but I trust the show enough to know that the loss of both Alexis and DJ can do nothing but raise the bar for week. I'll miss you, Rebecca, and I will miss your freakishly large breasts. But I won't miss the bullshit storylines they hand you.
Come back on Monday to read the full weecap. In the meantime, take a look back at the soapiest moments on the show.