By Jacob
...Meanwhile, Justin and some Zac Efron kid are like, "We can't even spell the word bottom, but let's see what happens." I know that's no way to start a recaplet, but trust me, it's like half the episode.
Justin talks Hilda into bringing Quarterback Zac Efron in, making this show no longer about Undergrad Fat Girl Fantasy Date like usual, but also Undergrad Fat Girl's Queer-Ass Brother or Cousin And It's So Hot We Don't Have To Get Weird. Mostly because he's just being adorable, while his aunty is engaging herself in nastiness so bad I'm listening to the Weepies as I write this. Remember them? I've got six scarves wrapped around my shit as I write this. Can't quit now, thanks to Betty's horrible fictional life. Why won't Lindsay Lohan kiss my giant gay face? Or at least Betty's?
Meanwhile for actual, Amanda goes on a party date with Kimmie, because she (La Sam/Lohan) is all about joining the Mode family and Amanda is all about her popple-headed bisexual vibe, obvs. (PS: not bisexual, giant lesbian, obviously since she was ten, stop being stupid, so was I, it's not weird to know that unless you make it weird you creep, you're creepy shut up.) Amanda and Marc fall all over her, because not only has she been Disneydorable her whole life but they are so her people: "Walt Disney sewed our vaginas/penises shut when we were six, what now?" Betty, of course, acts like a total sadsack and gives Kimmie a pantsing. Just because she's an asshole, no other reason. Not that she has done anything since that one food fight.
Everybody is appalled. I hate when everybody but Betty is appalled. Especially when in real life it would take one stiff uppercut from Sammie Ronson saying some Susan Powter shit and behave yourself. And she continues to feel just that way, no matter how retarded she acts. Daniel can't... tell, because Betty kind of sucks. And meanwhile, Kimmie knows George Clooney. 1) Hmm. 2) Not even fags are as pomo as Ocean's 13, eff you very completely-unrealistic-gallon-of-milk-very-much. And how was Daniel's internet date?
Um, perfect. ...It was with Wilhelmina. Which you may think is hot? But really, it's hot. I mean. You knew it was coming, her dick is bigger than yours, and here we go: he's all romantic, she's all Botox, I dare you to say who's hotter. Wili and Daniel all of a sudden respect and care deeply for each other, and they both can't wait for Kimmie to be their new Serena/Associate Coolness Editor. Pulling, of course, from my/your/our Mean Girl Betty 101: "OMG What I Stole Your Job? Love The Shoes." If I felt like she figured out one mothereffing thing, I would give her some credit, but come on.
Which magically-assfaced Betty can't help but see as the ultimate in bullshit, but of course the kind of bullshit that is inside her heaven. What will she do? Nothing, I'm guessing, until somebody tells her what to do. Bat For Lashes, at this point, has given up on homegirl. So Betty swallows whatever ounces of self-respect Gio left her, Kimmie explains basic Mean Girl shit to her, and Betty ends up exactly where... She wanted to be all along: A total victim. Oh, Betty. I still love you, but damn. week, again we'll fight it out. You need so very many warlike hugs.
Come back on Monday for our full weecap. Keep yourself occupied until then with our look at Betty's soapiest moments.