Previously on Ugly Betty: Okay, remember this show? It's tough, I know. So, many months ago we learned that Gene Simmons was Amanda's father! Claire was out of jail and ready to launch Hot Flash magazine. Wili inseminated Christina with some frozen Bradford Meade sperm, and appears to be holding her hostage until the baby is born. Daniel met a hot little number named Renee, who just happened to be Wili's sister. Wili hinted at ominous things in Renee's past. Hilda totally called Gio on having a mad Betty crush, but Betty of course only had (four) eyes for Henry, even though he impregnated Charlie, and not with Bradford's frozen swimmers.
Betty's alarm goes off at 7:30. Or does it? Turns out, she's actually in a Mary Poppins-esque dreamland. Her creepy-ass germ infested dust-mite laden teddy bear is with her. And so is Henry! He's in a horse drawn carriage and tells Betty that she's going to have the best birthday of her life. They kiss until the stars and fireworks come out. And then her actual alarm goes off. Oh, how I've missed that headgear! Ignacio and Hilda -- whose hair is totally different -- wish Betty a happy birthday, and Justin loves Betty's Louis Vuitton bag until she tells him it's a fake. Justin has, like, totally hit puberty during the writers' strike. He's going to be replaced at any moment by Danny Noriega. Though Betty said she didn't want gifts, Justin blinged out her cell phone, which she loves. Turns out Betty has the day off, and she and Henry have a big weekend away planned. She rushes out the door, leaving Ignacio sullen that she forgot to take her cupcakes. I hope "cupcakes" isn't the Suarez family euphemism for various forms of contraception.
Elsewhere, Wili pays Daniel an early morning visit to warn him about Renee. She has a "history with men," says Wili, and becomes needy, erratic, and excessive. Renee hasn't dealt with all of her daddy issues as well as old spermsicle Wili has, I guess. Daniel refuses to believe it, and Wili ominously says, "Stony Brook." "Stony Brook" is the new "rosebud." When Daniel shuts the door on her, Marc emerges from the hall to compliment her on 1) her performance; 2) her rack. Renee is a loose cannon, and Wili can't have that, especially with what she has planned.
And speaking of, Christina attempts to open the window of her prison room. Renee comes to her rescue and calls Wili an evil robot in the process. Christina decides to light a candle and Renee freaks. She extinguishes the flame and says, "No. Candles. Ever." Maybe her true trauma didn't come from being neglected by her father, but from working in a Yankee Candle. At the very least she must have lost her sense of smell. Christina calls Betty to tell her about what a whackjob Renee is turning out to be, but unfortunately Betty's bedazzled cell phone isn't so hot with the reception. She misses every other word. We, however, see Christina put a baby monitor in the pantry, determined to find out what's going on.
Betty then knocks on Henry's door and dorks out about how excited she is, as the birthday girl, to go on an adventure. But then, worst birthday surprise ever: Charlie answers the door, all preggo and bitchy. Turns out she's in town for a parenting seminar that had a last-minute opening. For this weekend. The weekend of Betty's birthday. Henry is super tense, and certainly doesn't lighten up when Charlie squeals that the baby kicked. He asks for a moment alone with Betty, then explains that Charlie just showed up and she can go to the parenting seminar alone. Betty suggests that they just stay in New York, so Henry can be a parent and still partake in some birthday festivities. Oh, Betty. Generous to a fault, as always. Charlie yells that she can't find the toothpaste, and Betty replies that it's in the top left drawer. I'm sure this is all going to go great. Betty kisses Henry and says she'll see him tonight.
Back at Mode, Daniel and a gratuitously underwear-clad Alexis discuss Claire's budget for her new magazine, Hot Flash. Turns out, it's a little out of control because Claire got the idea somewhere along the way that this was going to be a real magazine and not some pity project that her children are indulging. Daniel says that since Alexis wanted to be in charge, she can talk to Claire. Meanwhile, Betty enters the office, since her day off has been compromised, and approaches Amanda, who is decked out in a KISS t-shirt and flashes a devil horn or two. Betty notes that she is turning 24 (Amanda first guessed 40) and asks Amanda what is the most romantic restaurant in New York. Pemberley Inn is the place, and it makes Amanda want to lick Betty with her giant hereditary tongue.
Betty enters Daniel's office just as he is Googling "Stony Brook." He appears to have no idea it's Betty's birthday, and in retribution Betty talks him out of taking his comp tickets to see the New York Philharmonic -- with fireworks! -- in Central Park. If Renee's reaction to fireworks is anything like her reaction to candles, this is probably a good thing. At the Suarez house, Ignacio is first incensed that Betty's weekend has been compromised because of Charlie, then pouty because he likes to have the family together for birthdays. Hilda thinks they can take the cupcakes to Henry's, so he and Betty can eat them under the stars at the Philarmonic. Ignacio continues with the pouting.
Renee enters Daniel's office and announces that she found an apartment right around the corner from his place. He balks a bit, and then asks her about Stony Brook. Renee says it's a state college on Long Island, where she went to school. She's furious that he would even listen to Wili, and tells him to call her when he's ready to trust her a little. Ooh, I never trust anyone who busts out a sarcastic "Call me when you..." line.
Meanwhile, Betty uses the Mode clout to make reservations at the Pemberley Inn. As she does so, Gio emerges from his sandwich cart to sit on her desk. His head is totally buzzed -- he says summer's coming, so you have to let it breathe. Also why sales at Victoria's Secret drop steeply in June. Betty explains that it's her birthday and details the romantic night she has planned with Henry. Gio says that the only thing missing is a carriage ride. Betty, doubtlessly flashing back to her dream, asks why he'd say that. Gio just thought it was something she'd be into. Betty tries to escape, and Gio says he's sorry they don't talk as much anymore. Betty says she's been busy working and living, and makes a quick exit.
Back at Wili's Prison for Inseminated Scots, Renee confronts Wili and asks why she's trying to break up her and Daniel. Wili says they both know what happens when Renee gets too serious with men. Renee retorts that this is nothing like Stony Brook, and Wili reminds her that it took a lot of work to clean up that mess. Renee warns Wili to leave them alone or she'll regret it, adding that she's sure she isn't the only one around with secrets. Pan to the baby monitor, and Christina Harriet the Spy-ing "Stony Brook" on a little notepad. Poor Christina never gets a storyline worthy of her charms.
Betty fields a call from Henry as Amanda listens in and adds the occasional, "Nerdapalooza." Henry is carrying a big bouquet of gerbera daisies. Awww. Betty gets off the phone excitedly as she sees Daniel coming toward her with a big present. It's for Renee. Daniel asks Betty what it is with him and women, and why he always lets down the ones he cares about the most. He asks Betty to make sure Renee gets it as soon as possible. Oh, doofus.
Meanwhile, Hilda drops off the cupcakes at Henry's place, and Charlie is there to receive them. She tells Hilda that there isn't going to be a birthday date, and Hilda corrects her and even implies that there will be dork sex abounding. Charlie insincerely says that's great, and adds that Betty doesn't let anything get in her way. Hilda says she doesn't. But if anything is to happen, Hilda has her back. And you don't want to mess with Hilda's Queens nails. They probably have little razor blades painted on them and everything. Hilda exits and Charlie bites into a cupcake fiercely, then smiles. Methinks she has a new plan.
At Mode Claire shows off the Hot Flash cover to Alexis. It's her! She's just like Oprah, except Oprah never killed Stedman's mistress, that we know of. Allegedly. Alexis has to break the bad news to Claire about the budget for Hot Flash. She's cutting her off. Claire is upset, and asks Alexis not to do this. Alexis may be Claire's daughter, but she's also her boss, and her decision stands.
Back at Wili's house, Marc comes with a drop off of diapers and other assorted baby supplies. Renee is there. She tells him that Wili skipped the infant CPR class and made Christina go alone, in favor of a deep tissue massage. Marc hopes the massage will melt the ice in Wili's veins, and Renee offers to make him a chocolatini. This is not going to be good.
And then, my friends, a sad thing happened. I was plugging in my laptop and I somehow managed to unplug my whole power strip, which means that my TV / DVR was unplugged, which means I missed four minutes of the show! When I finally got it all back together, Claire was giving Betty a little squeeze. I'm sure something meaningful/mom-ingful happened. Sorry! ["They had a very mom-ingful moment in the ladies room. Claire (who apparently doesn't like people to know she pees) was about to give up on her dreams and Betty gave her a super-peppy pep talk. Then Claire gave Betty earrings." -- Angel]
Okay, and then Charlie is lying on the couch feeling "ill." That's her brilliant plan? She should really take evil-in-training lessons from Wili. Henry leaves a message for Betty, saying that he has to take Charlie to the doctor. She shouldn't go to the restaurant, he says, and he'll meet up with her later. He adds that he's so sorry, and that he loves her, within full earshot of Charlie. You know who can't hear the message on her blinged-out phone? That's right: Betty. She hits the Pemberley Inn, and we head to commercials.
When we return, Marc is hammered, and loving Renee's tales of Wili's adolescence. After telling him the story Wili getting a girl to eat dog food, Renee notes that Wili was always good at getting people to do what they didn't want to do. Marc loudly whispers that she still is. Money shot! And I quote, "She practically forced Christina to carry this baby so she could get the money to save her husband's life. And when Christina finds out who the sperminator is...it's Bradford Meade! She stole the sperm from his dead corpse, and when the bastard heir is born she'll finally get her hands on a third of the Meade empire." That is pretty comprehensive, huh? With Wili's evil secret spilled, Marc goes to vomit. Renee looks quite pleased.
At the Pemberley Inn, Betty waits. To buy some time, she orders cheese fondue from the snooty waiter. He notes that it's for two, and totally doesn't believe she has an invisible boyfriend named Henry. Back at Casa de Suarez, Ignacio takes a call from Henry and learns that he's canceling his whole night with Betty because Charlie isn't feeling well. Let's allow Justin to sum it up: "Bee-yotch." The familia Suarez jumps to attention to put a party in place, more cupcakes included. I guess Hilda was just bluffing when she implied that she would scratch a pregnant lady's eyes out.
Gio shows up to the office with a piece of cake and a candle for Betty. Ooh, how does Renee survive at birthday parties? Anyway, Amanda spills to him that Henry called earlier to cancel his date with Betty. Of course, Amanda never conveyed this message to Betty. She's a receiver, not a giver.
Meanwhile, Wili returns home to find Renee admiring a small statue of lovers that she has received from Daniel, with all his love. That is kind of a stupid present. Send a girl some L'Occitane products! Renee tells Wili she won't ruin this relationship, unless she wants her own dirty laundry aired. And what dirty laundry? The sperm-stealing bastard heir variety, of course. Renee has Marc's confession on tape. She reminds Wili that sperm stealing is illegal (which, good to know), and Daniel has all he needs to go to the police. However, she'll sit on it as long as Wili minds her damn business and leaves Renee and Daniel alone. She heads off cheerily to spend the night at her boyfriend's.
Meanwhile, Betty stirs her fondue. It really is a lot of cheese. The snooty waiter emerges and tells her that it's a Friday, and they're very busy, and there's a couple waiting for her table. They're celebrating their anniversary. Betty says it's her birthday. The waiter offers her a present: a doggie bag for her cheese. It is thus with a giant zip-loc bag of fondue that Betty stands on the street as happy couples eat. The world's most orthodontically-laden violin plays. But then! Who should arrive steering a horse-drawn carriage? Yep, it's Gio. Gio gives Betty Henry's message. He says he's not trying to take Henry's place, but his cousin happens to be a horse-drawn carriage driver, and he thought Betty deserved to have a little fun. Betty is sad, and doesn't know if she even wants a ride. But Gio convinces her to go once around the block. He holds out his hand to her exactly as Henry did in the dream. So, Betty's subconscious is psychic but gets a lot of important details wrong, apparently. Betty takes Gio's hand, sits to him, and dwells on Henry's note.
So, lest you think that Wili would let Marc get away with spilling her big secret, they are now en route to break into Daniel's apartment. Marc notes that this is a felony, and says he's too pretty for prison -- they'll pass him around like a collection plate at a Catholic church. Wili tells him to stop whining, and that she's the one who will go to prison if anyone finds out how this baby is conceived. They both agree that Wili would do well in prison. She's like Martha Stewart in leopard print. She has an extra set of keys to Daniel's apartment, and hands them to Marc. He goes off as she waits and scowls.
Claire, meanwhile, is giving the staff of Hot Flash a pep talk. It's not just a job, she says, it's a family. Alexis enters and asks Claire what's going on -- after all, she's already told Claire there's no money to hire a staff. Claire says she doesn't need Alexis's money nor anyone else's -- she has her own resources. Turns out there's a state-subsidized work program for recently released inmates, so her overhead is minimal. Yes, Claire's staff is full of fellow ex-prisoners. They have life experience, says Claire, and that's what Hot Flash is all about. Alexis smiles, because she knows that Claire's a genius.
Gio continues to drive his carriage and slow down traffic as Betty sulks. There is not one honk. This is thus the most unrealistic scene in the whole episode, including the dream sequence. The horse poos, and Gio notes it's probably not the birthday that Betty imagined. Betty thinks it's her own fault for having a stupid fantasy with fireworks and epic romance. Fantasies are fun, says Gio, but they live in reality. It's not perfect, but that doesn't mean it can't be pretty good. Betty admits that she's lucky, except for the part where Henry's leaving her after the baby's born. She says it's probably time for her to go home, but Gio is intent on taking her to Central Park -- if she wants fireworks, she's going to get fireworks. Betty smiles as the horse kicks into gear.
Elsewhere, Marc is in Daniel's apartment. He finds Renee's bag and fiddles with it. Is he taking out the recorded confession or planting something else? It is unclear. However, he does happen to find a pair of Daniel's black mesh underwear. He should have left it in the drawer, because Daniel enters the bedroom at this moment and catches him. Daniel asks Marc what he's doing. Marc, thinking on his feet, says, "I want you, you big, sexy magazine editor." Daniel smells Wilhelmina all over this. Marc sniffs Daniel's underwear in a last ditch effort, but Daniel says he's going to call the police. Marc scurries off with the remnants of his dignity. It's a light load.
At Casa de Suarez, which is decked out to the max, the family thinks that Betty has finally come home. However, it's Henry at the door instead. He says the doctor couldn't find anything wrong, and so he thinks Charlie was just trying to ruin his night with Betty. Hilda is quick to forgive, but Ignacio isn't so sure. Everyone wonders where Betty is. She and Gio are still en route, but are derailed by a busted carriage wheel. Gio hops out to fix it, and Betty follows him, doing a face plant into the street, and spilling her coffee all over herself in the process. She cracks up as Gio offers her a Gio's Deli napkin. Best birthday ever. Gio feels bad that her day has sucked. He says she's a great, good, nice girl, and she deserves to have an amazing birthday. Betty tells Gio he did everything he could, and it's fine. But Gio will not rest. He wanted Betty to have a little bit of her fantasy. He apologizes for wasting her whole night. And just then, there is a little bit of magic as makeshift fireworks rain down from a construction site. It's romantic until the part when a spark takes root in Betty's hair and they both go up in flames. But until then, Betty rests her head on Gio's shoulder and we head to commercials.
Back at Daniel's apartment, he tells Renee about Marc the lusty catburglar, and apologizes for letting Wilhelmina get to him earlier. Renee is sorry, too, and says that she hasn't told Daniel everything. He says she can trust him. And so she tells him about Stony Brook. She was in college and had a breakdown, and then went to a treatment facility. Girl, that is called "Tuesday." She still sees a shrink. And she takes daily meds. It was a long time ago, she says, but she's still a little sensitive about it. Daniel thanks her for telling the truth, and assures her that he still wants to be with her. So much, in fact, that he asks her to move in with him! Daniel, as always, is a genius.
Wilhelmina, getting a beauty treatment with Marc, wonders how Mister Dull and Sister Crazy are doing. Renee calls and tells Wili about the move-in plans. And, for the record, she isn't stupid enough to just leave that recording lying around. Wili monotones that you can't blame a girl for trying. But Renee is not going away, and if Wili or Marc interferes again, she's going to release the recording. Wili hangs up the phone and says, "Like I give a tinker's fart about that recording. No one's going to believe the rantings of a drunken fool!" And, she says, no one's going to believe a crazy woman either. Mark pulls out a packet of pills -- turns out he replaced Renee's meds with Wili's fat blockers. Wili is upset about the "thin" part of "crazy and thin," but once Renee loses her grip on reality, Wili's plan will be set in motion.
Meanwhile, Betty returns home late and sees all the decorations. She also sees Henry sleeping on the couch, and the bouquet of gerbera daisies. Ignacio is the only one up to greet her. Betty is sad to have missed all of her family's efforts. Ignacio admits it's mostly for him, because he likes to feel like he's still taking care of his little girl. Betty still needs him, she says, and his cupcakes. After the day she's had, I'd need some cupcakes, too.
Marc and Wili return to her place, and Marc wonders if it's really okay that they've done a dastardly thing to Wili's sister. Wili tells Marc that there are things in Renee's past that are terrible. Marc has no idea what she's done or is capable of. And just as she is about to fully spill, the baby monitor starts crackling. Oh, curses! Poor Christina, foiled again. Wili turns it off as she tells Marc that he may think she's the evil sister, but at least she stops short of murder. Is that technically true?
At Casa de Suarez, Ignacio busts out a present -- from Daniel! He dropped it off a few weeks ago because he wanted to make sure he didn't forget. Dude, put it on your calendar. He is for sure going to get killed by the crazy lady. Betty wakes Henry, and he wishes her a sleepy happy birthday. He's sorry it wasn't perfect. So is Betty. She cuddles into him, but has a faraway look in her eye as a song with the lyrics, "Because you love me, yes you love me, in my dreams," plays.
week: Christian Siriano! And Renee is possibly going to kill Betty.