Previously: Betty enrolled in a writing class (with somewhat disastrous results, but we aren't reminded of that). A psychic led Amanda to discover that Gene Simmons is her father. Wili was thrown into an empty grave and fired from Mode, and decided to bear dead Bradford's baby via a spermsicle. Since her own hostile womb made that impossible, she bribed Christina for the use of Christina's womb hostel. Hilda opened up her own home salon -- remember that? And Henry became a bespectacled green-eyed monster when he saw Gio and Betty together.
We open at Hilda's Beautilities, where she's practicing on Betty with predictably heinous results. It's very Ice Capades, whereas Betty wants to look cool and cute for Henry's band's first gig. What does Henry play, the calculator? Turns out he's actually the band's manager. Just like he was the basketball team's manager in high school. Hey, someone has to keep score from the sidelines! Hilda thinks Henry's band name is stupid, but Betty says that I.R.S. -- the Internal Rhythm Service -- is hilarious since they're all accountants. Hilda hairsprays Betty into submission. Justin enters with a letter from the New York Review -- turns out Betty submitted a story about Ignacio playing dominos with some old guys. Sounds riveting, but she gets a rejection letter -- apparently one of several. Hilda and Justin try to cheer her up, but Betty looks pretty crushed.
At Casa de Slater, Christina rests as Wili brings her a snack. Turns out Christina is on bed rest until they can be sure that the devil spawn embryo is implanted. Wili doesn't want Christina to lift beer kegs or whatever else she does in her spare time, and says that Christina's incarceration will only last a couple of weeks. Christina is dismayed, even though she gets to read Wili's books and slumber upon her goosedown pillows. Wili gives her a heartfelt thanks and goes in for the embrace. Christina recoils and asks if she's trying to hug her, to which Wili replies, "I'm as surprised as you are. Thank God that passed."
Meanwhile, the I.R.S. wants us to shout, shout, let it all out. What we want them to do is shut, shut, shut it all up. Henry explains to Betty that they're in a bit of a pickle, because the club owner won't give the band any more gigs with its current lead singer. Betty has another one of her brilliant ideas and tells Henry that he should sing -- he is apparently quite the karaoke maven. Henry isn't so sure. Betty thinks that the turnout is good, and Henry notes that they brought in twenty-nine people; if they make it to thirty, they get a cut of the door. On cue, Daniel walks in, and for his trouble will get a free I.R.S. mousepad. As Henry runs off to get it, Betty explains to Daniel that Henry's trying to make extra money for when the baby comes. Oh, the baby. Daniel asks if he can give Henry $20 and leave, but that doesn't fly with ol' Sergeant Monobrow, who tells him to settle in and enjoy the Beer Hole.
As Betty runs off to gather up stray potential patrons who might have landed at the neighboring Bear Hole, Daniel is grabbed by a very attractive woman -- Gabrielle Union of Bring It On fame! -- who asks Daniel to dance with her to make her boyfriend jealous. He obliges hesitantly, but when he spies the alleged "boyfriend" making out with another dude, the jig is up. The hottie just wanted to dance with him. And slither down him back-to-front like a fledgling Top Model contestant against a wall. Dayum.
Back at the Secret Sex Dungeon, Amanda laments the fact that her real father Gene Simmons won't return her calls or emails or Father's Day cards. Isn't he too busy, like, shooting steely glances at Omarosa or something? As Marc queens that Amanda has been so one-note lately, he gets an idea. Gene Simmons is a musician, so Amanda has to communicate with him in his own language. Hebrew? No, the language of music! All Amanda needs to do, says Marc, is write a song, practice it, record it, make a video of it, post the video on YouTube, and wait for Gene Simmons to see it. At the very least she'll get an appearance on Oprah out of it. Amanda is in.
Back at the Jungle Fever Room, Daniel's dancing hottie introduces herself as Renee. She already knows who he is, since he's the famous Daniel Meade. Daniel gets a message and has to leave Renee momentarily. He goes up to Betty and asks her if she still has a list of freelancers in her Blackberry; the writer who was supposed to interview Phil Roth just backed out. Betty starts gushing that she loves Phil Roth, and brings up the time Daniel accidentally double-booked two dates at the same restaurant, forcing Betty to fake a seizure so that Daniel could run out the back door with the hotter one. In short, he owes Betty. It was awfully nice of her not to pull out the old "Remember that time last week when I saved your mother from being incarcerated for life?" That would just seem preachy. A reminder of the chopstick under the tongue leads Daniel to give Betty the assignment -- 1,000 words by Friday. He has faith in her. And it's awfully short notice to find anyone else. She's too excited by the whole thing to get too mad about that latter statement, and jumps off to tell Henry.
And then, sexy music leads us -- and Daniel and Renee -- back to Daniel's apartment. As they leave the lights off and fall on the bed, a voice says, "That's not the boob you think it is." It's Claire! I can't tell you how many times Judith Light had to say that to Danny Pintauro. Daniel is shocked to find Claire there. She says that she had to get out of the house -- too many memories. She tells Renee not to let her get in her way, and goes to sleep on the couch while giving permission for the two lovebirds to do whatever they like; in prison she learned to sleep through anything. Renee decides to leave, but on good terms, saying that a man who takes care of his mother knows how to treat a woman. What this has to do with Daniel, I have no idea. Renee and Daniel plan on seeing each other again. Sexily.
The day, Betty -- clutching her hardcover copy of The Human Stain -- marches through the Mode office and to her interview. She runs into Gio, who seems super-excited that Phil Roth is in the house. Betty seems surprised that Gio's heard of him, and tosses out a few titles. Gio sees her an American Pastoral, and raises her the fact that the guy in the conference room is not Phillip Roth, it's Phil Roth. The Phil Roth who writes books on how to pick up chicks. And seriously, I'd take the latter and blow a kiss heavenward. Betty, of course, thought that Daniel was doing his annoying casual thing when he said "Phil Roth," and certainly does not want to interview a guy who writes books of such tawdry subject matter. Better than the new bestsellers from Tommy Pynchon or E. Doctorow, I bet. Gio tells her to go in with an open mind, because Phil Roth has a lot to say.
Betty enters and greets Mr. Roth, saying that she's there to interview him about his new book. He fills in the title for us: Tap That: How To Score With Hot Bitches. Sounds like a perfect Nathan Zuckerman vehicle to me! For the sake of the interview, Betty would like to refer to Tap That as Goodbye Columbus. Phil Roth is momentarily confused, but warms up as he tells Betty that men want to get laid, and he wants to help them. It's a noble mission. He has a simple three-step technique: approach, subdue, score. Yes, A.S.S. Most men think that complimenting a woman is the way to approach, but in fact would benefit from an E.K. -- esteem killer. The easiest way to bag a woman, he says, is to insult her. Just in time, Amanda enters and falls for it like a tree in the forest, making sounds of seduced submission. An offended Betty thinks she has what she needs, and ends the interview abruptly.
Meanwhile, Daniel is talking to a lonely Claire on the phone. He has dinner plans tonight, and Alexis has her transgendered support group, and what will Claire do other than march around in her turban sipping a dirty martini? Actually, that sounds like my ideal Friday night. Daniel thinks she should call some of her old friends, but as it turns out prison, murder, and temporary insanity are a turn-off to the country club set. It's not as refined as beating maids. Claire will spend the night cleaning Daniel's apartment, again, and continuing to find his smutty magazines. And, certainly, his copy of The Counterlife.
Daniel asks Betty to find a class or senior cruise or something to get Claire off his back. She agrees, and presents Daniel with her 1,000 words. However, it turns out this finished article is all about Hilda starting her own business. It's woman-positive, and Betty thinks the readers will respond. She explains the whole Phil/Philip mix-up, and how Phil Roth is a disgusting pig who writes a lot of misogynist garbage. Betty can't write objectively about a guy she can't even be in the same room with. Daniel tells her she's off the assignment, and adds that Phil Roth called and asked for another writer anyway. He felt Betty was a little close-minded. Hmm. Betty pounces on this new bit of information, and enthusiastically asks for a second chance at doing the interview. She'll even read Phil's stupid book, she says, because she's open-minded. I think Betty just got tapped.
Meanwhile, Daniel and Renee are about to do the nasty. They talk a lot about chicken, which is puzzling.
The morning, Daniel crosses the hall of her palatial abode and enters the bathroom. There he finds the shower on, and someone who he obviously thinks is Renee inside. He drops his robe, opens the shower door, and comes face to face with...Wilhelmina! In a SHOWER CAP! Renee stands in the doorway and says, "I see you've met my sister." And really, the only way to get out of this awkward situation is to embrace it and have a threesome.
Daniel confronts Renee in the kitchen, wondering how, since she knows who Daniel is and their corresponding history, she could neglect to mention that Wili is her sister. I wonder how he, who has worked with Wili for how many years, would have no clue that he was in her apartment. Not that she ever invited him over for popcorn and an evening with the Lifetime Movie Network, but I'm sure he'd at least have had to rush over and hit up Bradford with the defibrillator once or twice. Renee says she didn't plan this -- she saw Daniel and liked him, and thought that confessing her unfortunate familial relation would scare him off. Sadly, it has.
As Daniel leaves, Wili comes into the kitchen and notes with a glance southward that she underestimated him. Thank God she didn't add "Like father, like son." When Daniel's gone, Wili asks Renee what the hell she was thinking. Turns out Renee was thinking that Wili would react this way. Wili points out that she was kind enough to give Renee a place to stay when she showed up and had no other options, and that this is some form of repayment. Renee tells Wili -- or should she say Wanda -- to calm down. Wili tells Renee -- or should she say Rhonda -- that she has a lot going on with this baby, and doesn't need any of the Meades knowing her business. She warns Renee to stay away from Daniel. Renee sternly says that she'll date whoever she wants. Christina appears from behind a giant bouquet and gets to feel the thrill of calling Wilhelmina "Wanda" for the first time.
Back at Mode, Daniel tells Betty -- who has already heard the dirt from Christina -- all about Renee and her unfortunate ties to the woman who tried to destroy him, his family, and his magazine. Daniel's sad, because he really liked Renee.
And then, it's a match made in the land of convenient made-for-TV mishaps. Henry attempts to post his flyer looking for a lead singer for the band right as Amanda posts her flyer looking for a band of which to be the lead singer. When a little light bulb goes off over his head and he asks if she's really needs a band, she busts out her deaf voice because she thinks he's dumb. It turns out she's the dumb one as she takes his flyer and calls him two seconds later. That's just how it happened with Sammy Hagar.
At Casa de Suarez, Betty and Henry read Tap That. Betty lies to Justin that it's a book about tap dancing, which he is not allowed to read after her because tapping is demeaning to women. Betty continues to be disgusted by the theory that insulting a woman will turn the tables and make her want to win you over. Henry mutters a quiet "Genius," which he quickly changes to "Heinous." Betty doubts that any of this works on real people, so Henry suggests that they do a little research and try to see the theory in action. All Betty needs is some guy who can pull this crap off. Henry smiles and maybe even flexes his pecs, but deflates when Betty exclaims that she'll call Gio, who's perfect since he's a total dog.
Cut to Betty and Gio having a drink at, I believe, the Beer Hole. Gio can't wait to try out A.S.S. on a blonde across the bar. Betty thinks she's out of Gio's league, but he says that, as a guy, the universe is his league. That is sad, because there's a grain of truth to it. As he's about to approach the blonde, they notice that she's giving her number to some other guy. And that some other guy...IS HENRY! A wave of the magic Grubstick and all the women come running. Betty is, of course, shocked. She asks Henry what he's doing there, and he points out the research benefits of having two test subjects. Basically, though, he wants to prove that he can tap that better than Gio can. Gio is quick to agree to a contest, and says that whoever gets the most numbers wins. With fire in his eyes, Henry says, "Game on, Sandwich Boy." Betty points out to Henry that he has a girlfriend, and he says, "Not tonight I don't." He approaches a woman and tells her that she has a beautiful face, and that her doctor did an amazing job. Meanwhile, Gio compliments a woman on an outfit that some people would call slutty. Both lines work like a charm, but are nothing compared to "Man, you've got some big feet." I always turn to mush with that one, myself.
Meanwhile, Alexis catches Daniel working late and assumes that it all has to do with a woman. He confesses that it does, and that the woman is their mother. They bicker over who will take Claire and how they can get her to have a life again. Turns out she's in the office and overhears. She's sarcastically sorry if her trying to rebuild her life has put a crimp in their social calendars. She storms off, and her ungrateful children have to play rock, paper, scissors to determine who has to go after her. Alexis loses, which means that Daniel is in his office just in time for a visit from Renee. She admits that she thought hooking up with Daniel would get under Wili's skin, so she was using him at first. But then she really liked him. She promises that the time she uses Daniel, it will just be for sex, but he can't be swayed.
Back at the bar, the final tallies are in! And Henry won by one phone number -- seven to Gio's six. Still, Gio's excited to have all the numbers. As he goes to woo the woman who believes he's headed to Iraq week, an upset Betty drags Henry out of the bar.
At Casa de Suarez, Betty complains to Hilda that she can't believe Phil Roth was right -- these poor women are being played and they don't even know it. Betty and Hilda are having a night of beauty, which is really the perfect context in which to discuss this. Hilda says that the ladies do, in fact, know what's going on -- they just don't want the guys to know that they know, because then they'll have all the power. Hilda thinks that the book's okay, since it leads guys to actually talk to a woman rather than just stare at her boobs. She thinks Betty should be a little open-minded. And then, for no reason, Daniel shows up, flouting the white-guy laws of personal safety in his big limo at night in Queens. He wants to talk to Betty about Renee. He knows it's wrong, but he can't stop thinking about her. Betty notes that a lot of siblings -- including herself and Hilda, and Daniel and Alexis -- are very different, so if Daniel really likes Renee, he should give it a chance. Tap That is totally making Betty soft!
The day, Wili walks into her kitchen and, without looking, admonishes Christina for trying to steal the yogurt again. However, it turns out that the yogurt thief is Daniel. Who, you know, is back to banging Wili's sister. Wili isn't pleased. She tells Daniel that he's a fool and doesn't know what he's getting himself into. She promises him that he'll regret it, and he looks like he might believe her a little.
At the Secret Love Dungeon, Marc , wearing amber-tinted shades, tootles on a Casio keyboard as Amanda debuts her lyrics: "Gene Simmons/Fire breather/Blood spitter/I am your little girrrrrrrrllllllllll." Still better than Philip Roth, I say. Marc feels like he's heard it before. He asks Amanda what she would say to Gene Simmons from her heart if he were there right now. She picks a kickin' beat on the keyboard and freestyles, "A psychic told me your name/And I was glad/You didn't return my calls/And I got sad/I promise if you meet me I won't be bad/I just wan the chance to call you my father." Marc can only hope that one day he'll have an illegitimate daughter who will sing him a song that beautiful.
Meanwhile, Daniel and Alexis feel kind of bad about how they treated Claire, the kind mother who had the foresight to hire a really caring nanny. As they talk, Claire enters, and says that the nanny wasn't that caring, and used to tie them together so that she could go to the movies. I'm going to have to file that one away. Turns out Claire's been busy with the knitting class Daniel signed her up for, which she hates. But! She now knows what she's going to do with her life. She was inspired by all the women in the class who were just like her -- their children were done with them, and they were bored. There has to be more out there than knitting and bingo, says Claire, so she's going to start a magazine for women of a certain age who aren't ready for that "ice floe." And she's going to call it Hot Flash. Alexis and Daniel thinks she's crazy, especially when she says she's going to need an assistant, a full-time production staff, a suite of offices on the seventh floor, and start up capital in the range of $2 million. Daniel wants to have dinner and talk about this, but Claire doesn't have time, what with all the Hot Flashes she must bring into being.
Elsewhere at Mode, Betty has her second interview with Phil Roth. Though it pains her to admit it, she tells him that his tricks actually do work. On some girls. Phil thinks it's cool of her to admit that, since smart girls usually don't get it. Betty assures him that the article will be unbiased, and that his concerns about her were completely unwarranted. Phil doesn't know what concerns she's talking about, since he never talked to Daniel about Betty's close-mindedness. Oh yeah. Betty's been tapped but good.
Betty tries to take revenge on Daniel by holding a cinnamon stick in front of his nose and then revoking it. Daniel tells her that he lied to her because it was the only way he could think of to make her write the article. She was quitting because she was uncomfortable, and if she wants to be a real writer, she can't just write about her neighborhood, her family, and kittens. Hey, leave the kittens out of this. There's nothing wrong with what Betty knows, says Daniel, but she should try to know more -- to step out of her comfort zone. And she did! And the article was really good. However, she's not actually getting published. Alexis pulled the story because, now that she's a woman, she thinks Phil Roth is kind of a pig. But! Daniel tells her that there will be more and better assignments. It sucks, but Betty thanks Daniel for having faith in her, and gives him the coveted cinnamon stick.
Fresh from this semi-victory, Betty tells Henry not to be nervous about the band's performance tonight. She offers to bring Hilda. And Gio. Henry is not so excited about this, and Betty finally realizes why. She tells him that he can't be so competitive with Gio, but Henry says that he has to be. Though he trusts Betty completely, Gio's always around, and Henry doesn't trust him. He reminds Betty of how she felt when he was hitting on all the woman at the bar, and says that that's how he feels when Betty is around Gio. Betty doesn't want anything to get in the way of the little time she and Henry have together, so she agrees not to see Gio, even if it means giving up his chicken salad. And that is not a euphemism. Problem solved, for, like, one minute as usual.
And then, it's Amanda's debut with the I.R.S.! Marc pumps her up by telling her that she has no reason to be nervous: except for her voice, she's a great singer. He records the number on a video camera as Amanda starts with a walloping "It's Mandy, bitch." And then, the epic song: "Late one night back in '81/At Studio 54/Gene Simmons and his Tweety Bird tattoo/Went out looking to score." Marc asks some lady to get out of his line of vision and, as it turns out, it's Gene Simmons! Oh, I guess he did get fired after all. We move to the chorus: "Breathing fire spitting blood/Making sweet love to my mom Fey Sommers/Breathing fire, spitting blood/Making sweet love to my mom Fey Sommers/That's why/Gene Simmons is my daddy/Gene Simmons is my daddy/The demon Gene is my genes because he got in my mama's jeans/That's why/Gene Simmons is my daddy." She ends with a big extended tongue, which Gene Simmons replicates, and the whole thing is the best child/biological parent reunion I've ever seen.
Gene explains that he knew this was all happening because he Googles himself every morning. Amanda too! Cut from the same makeup-stained cloth. Gene says that the detail of the song was spot on -- he couldn't forget a night like that or a woman like Fey. He adds, "Man, Cher was so pissed off," and Marc glares at him. Perhaps it was this that drove Cher into the arms of Gregg Allman, resulting in the fateful Allman And Woman recording that has so mystified fans and critics alike. In any case, it's really true: Gene Simmons is Amanda's daddy. They embrace and head off to do some catching up. Of course this leaves the band without a singer. Until, that is, Betty has another one of her brilliant ideas again and says that Henry has to sing. He will, on one condition. That condition involves him and Betty duetting Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock style on "It Takes Two." Sometimes it takes two to make a thing go wrong.
And then. As Renee heads out to meet Daniel, Wili tells her that if she wants to make it work with him it will require a bit of honesty. Wili certainly hopes he never discovers the truth about Renee. What truth? The heck? And now there are no writers to tell us! Wah!!!!! In any case, Christina hears it all. Maybe Renee...is Fey Sommers? With that, I believe we're out indefinitely.