Previously on Ugly Betty: Betty wants to have memories with Henry! Christina already has a secret husband! Wilhelmina has Bradford's frozen sperm! And also an inhospitable womb! And also a dastardly plan to have Christina carry her illicit frozen hate child for the cash she needs to get experimental treatment for the terminally ill aforementioned secret husband! Amanda had a revelation that Fey Sommers was her mother! Claire had a confession that she killed Fey Sommers! And Gio has a crush on Betty that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
We begin with Betty passed out on the floor of Gio's deli. With all of her clothes on. Phew. An attending cop tells her that she threw a trashcan through the deli window. There is glass all around, and she's handcuffed. Again, fully clothed, so ease your minds, Henry and Betty shippers. Gio tells the officer that he won't press charges, but Betty says she's ready to face the consequences. When she realizes that the consequences are five years in jail, she takes Gio up on his offer. Betty expounds on her do-gooder-ism, and tells the officer that if he knew her, this would be really funny. The officer replies, "Crime isn't funny." Except when it equals Paris Hilton going to jail or Lindsay Lohan improvising the genius "they're not my pants" defense. Then it's throw-your-head-back-and-clap-your-hands hilarious. In any case...is this a dream sequence? What's going on? As a dazed Betty says that she hasn't been herself lately, we go back in time a few days.
We zoom in on Fashion TV, where we learn that the prosecution has rested in Claire Meade's trial. She's pleading not guilty by reason of insanity for the murder of Fey Sommers. Alexis clicks off the TV as Betty wheels out some designer jackets for Daniel's testimony at the trial. She says that Daniel needs to appear conservative and trustworthy. Might want to lose the translucent peach shirt, then. Alexis agrees, saying that they're the face of Claire's defense, and the jury needs to see them as just plain folk. "Said the Amazon transsexual," is Daniel's reply. Tough talk, peachy nips. Alexis sends Betty to Claire's house to get a new suit for her trial as well as a favorite perfume. Daniel, meanwhile, knowing that he's an irrepressible fuck-up at heart, worries that he and Alexis are going to do more harm than good with their testimonies. I wouldn't doubt it.
We then cut to Christina, sitting with Wili and Marc, exclaiming, "You want a WHAT?" Yes, says Wili, a baby -- tiny and soft with a face like a little old man. It is true that newborns look just like wrinkly old people, so at least no one can argue that there's not a resemblance to Bradford. Christina continues, "And you want me to carry it? In my womb?" As Marc mocks her, Christina asks in disbelief if he's the father. There are some corresponding rising and drooping finger gestures that I'd prefer not to go into in too much detail. Wili and Marc laugh, though Marc notes that with Wili's evil disposition and his eyes, that kid would be unstoppable. Wili lies that it's an anonymous donor, and tells Christina with tears that she can't carry it. Marc adds that it's tragic, and that Bono and Sheryl Crow should do a benefit concert for her lady parts. Ah, The Concert For Poontangladesh. I can just see it now. Christina says she's sorry, and then Wili whips out the $100,000 offer, including a mid-sized cardboard check. Marc reminds her that with $100,000, she can purchase experimental surgery for someone she loves. Christina wonders how they found out about Stuart before determining that evil is all-knowing, and she announces that her uterus is officially closed to devil spawn. If only Britney had stood by the same principles.
At Mode, Christina tells Betty all about Wili's offer and says that she doesn't need it, since she has another way to get the money. Turns out when she was archiving some gowns, she came across a dress worn by Jackie Kennedy to a White House dinner. It must be worth $100,000 on the black market. Betty looks at her with disappointment and says it's stealing. Maybe you want to tell us again about the time you survived that bear attack, Li'l Betts? When Christina says that it will save Stuart's life, Betty reluctantly acquiesces. They hug, and we see that Marc, hidden by a mannequin and a giant hat (of evil!), has been listening the whole time.
Meanwhile, Amanda is incensed to find a Mode staffer eating salad in the Secret Sex Dungeon. Turns out, everyone knows about the place. Another guy comes in for a nap, and Amanda announces that her mother's secret sex room was designed for lazy afternoons that blurred the line between pleasure and pain. It is not a place for salads or naps. She wants to get Fey's stuff out of there, and grabs a giant portrait of Fey with her face pixilated out. She also notes to the salad-eater that she likes to think Fey had multiple orgasms right where salad-eater is sitting, because she was just that kind of lady. It's more exciting if you don't think about Bradford being involved in any way. When Amanda gets to her desk with portrait in tow, she discovers diary pages stuck to its back. She begins to read: "February 26, 2006. Back form our Scandinavian trip where I never left Bradford's arms. It was a taste of what life would be like if that annoying shrew Claire wasn't around. It gives me an idea." Please be not really dead, please be not really dead, please be not really dead!
Speaking of Claire, Betty delivers her suit and perfume. Claire tells us how special she'd feel when she wore it, and notes that Bradford brought it back for her from Denmark. Oh, did he now? Claire gets emotional and says she's going away for a long time, and Alexis says confidently that she wasn't in her right mind at the time of her accident, and Claire's lawyer will prove it. The guard tells Claire that he can't allow perfume. Daniel tries to argue, but Claire says it's okay -- whereas she used to plan garden parties, now she gets a flashlight up her naked tush every morning. Aw, I wonder if that makes her miss Yoga a little. Claire wants Betty, being in love with "the nervous little fellow with the glasses," to have the perfume to spoil herself. Betty offers to keep it safe for Claire until she gets out.
And then, testifying! Alexis says that Claire instilled a strong sense of right and wrong in her children, and clearly wasn't in her right mind at the time of the accident. The prosecution -- Dr. Romano from ER! -- brings up that silly old time when Alexis faked her own death in a ski accident in order to cover up her secret sex-change operation, suggesting it's maybe not the best example of having a sense of right and wrong instilled in a child. After a defense objection, the judge agrees that Alexis's difficult personal choices are not on trial. Alexis emotionally shouts that she knows Claire would never murder anyone, and there was obviously something was wrong with her.
We cut to Betty working at her desk. She picks up the bottle of perfume, and we get to hear another page out of Fey's diary: "March 15. I innocently suggested to Bradford he give Claire a little gift to cover up our trip. A bottle of perfume from Denmark. She's so easily seduced by silly tokens of his affection." We cut to Betty, who eyes the perfume. More diary! "April 4, 2006. Oh, Claire, it's too delicious. I changed the ingredients. It's toxic. It's seeping into her brain. She's poisoning herself with her own frivolous vanity." And then -- noooooo! Betty sprays the perfume on her neck. Oh, God, the one time in her life she tries to smell good, and this happens. And yet, I can't help but admire the bad-assedness of poisoned perfume. I imagine Fey kept the poison in her big round secret poison ring until she dropped it in the perfume with one final throaty cackle. Fey's voice over continues, "And soon enough, she'll be dead." Or, presumably, throwing trash cans through deli windows.
Soon enough, Betty is typing like a maniac. Henry appears behind her, instantly made horny by her perfume. She continues typing maniacally, noting that she has so much energy, and grabs some estimates for Daniels signature. She says she'll get them back to Henry tomorrow, and he tells her to give them to Kenny, because he's going to be out of the office -- he has "that thing" in Tucson. "That thing" is Charlie's sonogram. Betty maniacally gives him a care package, then maniacally hugs him. He gives her neck a big sniff and says that she has to keep wearing that perfume. It seems like it's made with the same ingredients as Daniel's sex-addict pills.
At the court coffee bar, Daniel notes that their judge at least seems sympathetic, and tells Alexis that she did a great job humanizing Claire. As the barista asks if anyone can break a $20, Daniel heads up to give change. Turns out the customer in question is their judge, and as he hands over the small bills, a ton of paparazzi start snapping. We cut to Fashion TV, where we learn Daniel was accused of trying to bribe Judge Heller. She recused herself from the case immediately. Betty watches, scratches her neck, then sprays some more of her pretty perfume and spins into crazy land like she's in Saturday Night Fever. Gio comes in with some sandwich deliveries, and Betty gives him a reeeeallly long hug. She tells Gio that one of the sandwiches is for Henry's care package and announces that he's going to Tucson for the sonogram. She is also in raptures about the sandwich, which she says tastes like purple. Gio plants some seeds about Henry's visit to Charlie, saying that it's not like he can get her pregnant again. Betty says Henry would never cheat on her, and Gio agrees that it's not "Eggy's" style. Betty replies that his name isn't "Eggy," it's "Egg Salad," then cracks herself up. As they gaze at each other, Betty says she's sweating, and Gio tells her that she smells really good.
Back at court, Daniel has to explain to Claire and her lawyer what happened with the so-called bribery. Her lawyer notes that it's all right -- he's never lost a case and isn't about to start now. Well, he actually lost one. As the new judge comes in, her lawyer says, "Uh-oh." Turns out she was the judge on the one case that he lost. And her name is Judge Nancy Biotch. The poisoned perfume is starting to look pretty good right now.
At Mode Betty grills Henry about where he's sleeping on his trip before saying that she doesn't care, and he can sleep with whoever he wants. When he says he would never, she grabs his tie and says darn right. She wants him to call tonight, but to use the Batphone. She then accosts some models in Pucci print. Henry notes that Betty is sweating and acting hyper and asks if she's okay. She says she's great, because she has the best, most loyal boyfriend in the whole world. She gives him a huge smooch as the elevator door opens, and he asks for his care package. "I've got your care package right here," she yells, and gives him the leg-wraparound jump in front of the rest of the elevator passengers. When Christina notes that Betty went from flirty to dirty, Betty licks her. Is it wrong that I love poison-brain Betty?
In the Secret Sex Dungeon, Amanda shares Fey's newfound diary pages with Marc. To recap: Fey poisoned the perfume, and Bradford didn't know, so gave it to Claire as a gift. But the plan backfired -- instead of dying, Claire just went nuts and ended up killing Fey. As Halston watches, Marc says that these pages would exonerate Claire and make her look like the victim. Amanda grabs the pages and prepares to light them aflame, saying she won't let her dead mother look like some psycho. Halston runs off, and Amanda follows him, leaving the burning to a conflicted-looking Marc. Disco inferno he can do, but obstruction of justice inferno might be a different story.
At Casa de Suarez, Betty rocks out to a Kiss song, Amanda will be happy to know, and prattles on to her family at breakfast. Turns out she didn't sleep at all, but feels great, if itchy and tingly and dry-mouthed. She insults Ignacio's huevos rancheros and downs some whipped cream from the can before rushing off while scratching her neck. Ignacio wonders what the hell is wrong with her. Justin doesn't know but, like me, he's enjoying her sassiness.
Back at court, Daniel is on the stand. He argues that Claire obviously wasn't all there and was terribly upset at the time of the murder. The night before Fey's accident, says Daniel, he and his mother went to Orso's before the theater. She was paranoid, behaving irrationally, and seeing things that weren't even there. Lawyer Dr. Romano notes that Claire went to the theater hours after she had Fey's brakes cut, and asks Daniel if that seems insane to him, or if it's cold, calculating and premeditated. Claire's lawyer stands up to make an objection, and Judge Biotch shoots him down with a look. Suzuki St. Pierre tells us via Fashion TV what a disaster the day in court was, and not just in terms of Daniel's wardrobe.
At her desk, Betty gazes at Henry's photo and hopes that he'll call. Upset that her phone has no messages, she treats herself to another spritz of poisoned perfume. Gio arrives to tell Betty that he's sorry for the implications about Henry's time in Tucson, and is even going to stop calling Henry "Egg Salad." Betty, maniacally sharpening pencils, gives a curt, "Good." Gio asks if Henry has called, and Betty is forced to say he hasn't. She breaks a pencil in two and fans herself, then goes nuts on Gio's ass, yelling that she's sick of him coming up to torture her. She tells him to go, and not come back. I think she's past the fun stage of being poisoned already. She spritzes herself again, and we are left to worry.
Meanwhile, Marc has taken the Jackie Kennedy dress to Wili's. He thinks Christina's scheme is of the cockamamie variety, but Wili says she'll have a buyer in ten minutes and it's genius. Marc wants the two of them to bid for the dress and take turns wearing it, but Wili knows that if they want Christina to carry her demon spawn, the dress has to disappear.
Back at Mode, Betty rage-a-holically complains to Amanda that she can't believe Gio would imply that Henry was cheating on her. Amanda just wants some petty cash. Betty paws at the sparkles on Amanda's sweater, and Amanda tells old cheese-fingers to watch it. She then says that the only reason Gio talks to Betty like that is because he has a crush on her. This is of no comfort to Betty, who only has a crush on her boyfriend who hasn't called her in twelve hours. What is comforting, of course, is her perfume. She spritzes some more on, and tells Amanda that Claire gave it to her. As Betty decides to tell Gio off in a strongly worded note, Amanda looks with concern at the perfume bottle. Awww, she really is growing a heart -- a year ago she would have let Betty die, then raided her desk drawer for the good highlighters.
Betty, in her poison perfume 'roid rage, stomps out of the building and to Gio's deli. He's not there and the store is closed. She pounds and pounds on the door saying that she has something for him, and when there's no answer she turns all green and veiny, picks up a trash can, and throws it right through the window. And with that, we're back to where we started.
Cut to Gio and Betty at the doctor's office. Hilda rushes in and pushes Gio out of the way, and is followed by Ignacio and Justin. Ignacio can tell by Betty's eyes, sweaty face, and breakfast-eschewing ways that she's not herself.
Meanwhile, Christina is ready to show the Jackie Kennedy dress to a buyer. She pulls it out of the box, only to find it cut up and defiled with a spray-painted frowny face. Cut to Christina confronting Wili and Marc. They of course deny it, but she knows who was behind this nefarious deed and asks how they could do it knowing that her husband's life is at stake. Wili says it's lucky that she has more than one option. Christina wonders why they want her to carry the demon baby, and Wili tells her she wants to know and trust her partner in crime. She's lost everything, and this child is her entire life. Wili asks Christina to think about the future -- Christina and her husband, Wili and her baby...and Marc. Maybe he'll be the wet nurse?
Back at the doctor's office, the doctor says that he wants to talk to Betty alone. Ignacio assumes she's pregnant (just like her sister), but that's not it. The doctor asks if there's something Betty wants to tell him, and says that her symptoms indicate high levels of toxins in her body. Hilda clutches her chest and asks, "Drugs???" Gio notes that she did break into his deli. Her pupils are dilated, her glands are swollen, her heart rate is above normal. Maybe Tom Cruise is in the process of converting her? Betty announces that she doesn't do drugs, and is even afraid of espresso. The doctor tells her that if she's not taking drugs, that means someone is drugging her.
Betty talks to Henry on the phone as she waits for bloodwork. He offers to come back, but she tells him she'll be okay. Hilda and Justin, meanwhile, put in a plug for Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. The doctor comes back and gives Betty the results. There are lots of long words, but the upshot is that Betty had traces of TOAD VENOM in her system. Doesn't Gwyneth Paltrow use that as eye cream? Well, I guess that explains a lot. Her levels are almost normal now, and she shouldn't have any more effects, but, says the doctor, they're very lucky that this was found in time. Too much toad venom in her system could lead to hallucinations and paranoia, and could even be fatal. Ignacio asks if Betty has eaten or done anything different in the past few days. Betty notes that she did have one of Gio's sandwiches, and he defends himself by saying that they're "all natural." And then it hits Betty: the perfume!
Betty runs through Mode to her desk only to find that the perfume is gone. On the floor she finds a sparkle and heads straight for Amanda. After a second of desk-dodging, Amanda admits she took it. Betty says that it can prove Claire's insanity, and she wants it back. Amanda tells Betty that the perfume wasn't even Claire's -- it was her mother's, who gave it to Bradford, who gave it to Claire. And how does Amanda know this? Why, she read it in Fey's diary, of course. Betty, with her crack powers of deduction, realizes that Fey was trying to poison Claire. Amanda shushes her and explains that Claire went nuts and killed Fey before she even had the chance to die. The nerve. Betty thinks that they have to get the perfume to court and testify about what happened. But Amanda won't do it -- Claire took her mother's life, and now Amanda is going to take hers. Betty plays the Daniel card, asking if Amanda really wants to be responsible for Daniel losing his mother for the rest of his life. She tells Amanda that she knows what it's like to lose a mother, and that if she could keep one person from feeling that, she would. She asks for the perfume.
And then! In court, Betty hands the perfume to Daniel and explains how she was poisoned by it. She has her blood test to prove it. Claire notes her erratic behavior, which she attributed to the stress and the drinking. Maybe I need to get some poison perfume to give cover to my mood swings. Claire's lawyer calls Betty to the stand, after cracking on her hair twice. Betty explains to the jury how she went crazy after only using the perfume for two days, and notes that Claire used it for six months. That is some slow-ass-acting poison. Claire's crackerjack lawyer shrugs and says, "Makes sense to me!" before resting.
Upon cross-examination, Lawyer Dr. Romano asks Betty why Bradford would give Claire poison perfume. She explains that, as documented in Fey's diary, Bradford didn't know. Fey gave it to Bradford so that he would give it to Claire. Dr. Romano asks where the diary is now, and Betty has to admit she doesn't have it. She explains that her family doctor said the perfume was poison. Dr. Romano isn't buying it, and says that in the last few minutes, the prosecution has had the perfume tested. He takes a big swig and, after some theatrics, tells the court that the so-called poison perfume is actually just water straight from the tap. Dr. Biotch takes a sniff and says it smells like water to her. Betty takes a whiff herself of the unscented liquid, and doesn't understand what happened. Cut back to Fey's Secret Sex Dungeon, where Amanda, with Marc looking on, holds, like, an old-time chemistry set beaker with the real poison perfume in it. There's no way she'd give it to Betty, she says, before adding, "Claire Meade, you will never see the light of day."
On a break, Betty apologizes to Claire, Daniel, and Alexis. Daniel says it didn't hurt them, and Claire thanks her for trying. She wants to go on the stand and tell her side of the story.
Meanwhile, Marc tells Amanda he's leaving, because he can't stand any more wickedness today. Awww, he's finally getting the full effect of the goodness that Cliff gives him night after night. Amanda wants to know what's wrong with him, and says they can go to the West Side and dump it in the river, after which they'll cruise the bars. He wonders why he has to go with her, and Amanda says that he's a part of this now -- he burned Fey's diary pages. Marc notes that he does a lot of morally questionable things for Wilhelmina, but none of it is technically criminal, and it's all in service of his career. They have a short argument about whether Amanda was ever his boss before she tells him to get rid of it, because Claire Meade has to pay. Marc asks why Claire has to pay -- she didn't do anything wrong except use some perfume that her husband gave her. He can't do it. And, he says, he couldn't burn the diary pages. He pulls them out, and says that Amanda needs him to do the evil deeds with her because deep down, she knows that Fey was responsible for her own murder. Claire Meade is innocent. Amanda belts him, then hugs him, saying that he's right.
Cut to Claire on the stand. She says her state of mind wasn't too peachy at the time of Fey's murder, and she was on several medications to boot. She was having an extremely difficult and emotional time, given that her husband was having an affair with one of his employees. In the midst of it all, Betty gets a text saying, "Meet me in the hallway, cheese fingers." Amanda comes through! Amanda hands over the perfume to Betty along with the diary pages, saying nothing they do to Claire Meade is going to bring her mother back. Betty notes that she's doing the right thing, and that it must feel good. Amanda nonchalantly says it'll pass before walking away with a big smile on her face. Betty marches in the courtroom during Claire's heated testimony. She says Claire was crazy, and holds up the perfume and diary pages as the proof.
Cut to the verdict: not guilt by reason of temporary insanity. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! There is celebration all around, and Claire gives Daniel and Alexis the biggest hug ever. Betty, of course, gets a big special hug, too. Suzuki St. Pierre tells us that Claire is a free woman. She may be innocent, but he sentences her to the beautician's chair, because her roots are looking raggedy. Claire switches off the TV and proposes a toast to her friends in the Mode office, and her family who helped save her, and to the future of Mode. She tells her kids that they'll always be together. Daniel doesn't know how to thank Betty, and gives her a huge hug, noting that it wasn't a boss/assistant thing because of sexual harassment laws. But it was friend to friend. Awwwww. Gio walks up to Betty and says that everyone's calling her a hero. She offers to pay for his window, and he tells her to buy a few extra sandwiches. After reviewing the embarrassing note she wrote him while she was all hopped up on perfume, they hug. Betty is awkward about it, but Gio obviously doesn't want to let go. He gazes after her as she goes to talk to Claire and breaks into a tiny, wry smile. How many star-crossed lovers can one girl have?
Meanwhile! Christina is totally getting sperminated! Who busts into the spermination room but Betty, saying that she's going to be there for the nine months. We get to watch on a video screen as the sperm hits the egg. And then, like, things start multiplying. As Christina looks on with concern, Wili and Marc head off to get pedicures or throw rocks at pigeons and homeless people or whatever they do to amuse themselves on an afternoon off.
week: It's Gene Simmons, mofos! And Gabrielle Union as Wili's sister that Daniel is maybe banging. And a duel for Betty's heart, which includes the words, "Game on, sandwich boy." This is going to be good.