Previously on Ugly Betty: Christina had a secret husband! He's back, and he has a mystery illness. Amanda has a mystery father! And she's determined to find out who he is, even if that answer is "Dustin Hoffman." Alexis's ruthlessness has never been a mystery, and she took the reins of Mode from Daniel after a particularly spirited paintball match. And Wilhelmina planned to sperminate herself with dead Bradford's frozen swimmers, which certainly have the same hairline as the old coot himself.
We begin with Betty entering an elevator full of Robert Plant video ho look-alikes. Sadly, the elevator has exceeded the maximum load upon her arrival. "You don't know it's me," she says. Actually, by this point, we know it's always her. Christina grabs Betty and yells that she HATES fashion week -- bitches, divas, and everyone is on the new cheesecake heroin diet. Ah, so Britney's just been following the fads! Christina and Betty hate the skinny models. As you do. Amanda grabs Betty to give Daniel his VIP tickets to some shows, someone else gives her a Mode show guest list that's to be filled with famous, pretty, skinny people, and Henry gives her provisions for the week and a big old smooch. Those two are still cooking! I mean, probably literally they're making quesadillas.
Betty walks into Daniel, who tells her Alexis has given him a peace offering of a fancy new office chair. It's like God is cradling Daniel's butt with His hands. I bet it even glows if you look at it from below. Despite the fine-feeling ass, Daniel is worried about the first fashion week that he'll be doing on his own. Though Wili was a malicious psycho bitch, she always came up with cool themes that the press ate up. Betty suggests Cirque de Soleil or '80s, and Daniel mocks her, as he should. She leaves to give Justin's class a tour of Mode. Daniel, who doesn't remember a thing about it, is impressed that he's mastered the art of looking like he listens when Betty talks.
Meanwhile, Wili scours her fridge furiously, looking for something that appears to have gone missing. Turns out she's only feening for the Rocky Road. Her parents never let her have ice cream as a child. Wili has been taking a LOT of hormone shots, apparently. Marc prepares to give her another one, reminding her that Slater magazine is dead, and this is the only chance that she'll get a piece of the Meade empire. She admits that she's been hormotional. Soon, says Marc, the doctor will extract her eggs, fertilize them with ye olde sperm, pop them back into her girlie place, and voila. Marc says what he has never said to a woman before, "Turn around and bend over," and then sticks her in the ass. Wili screams at him, then starts crying and hugs him, saying that they'll be such good parents. Maybe they'll even get a Swarovski collar for the little tyke.
Justin, rocking a new hairstyle, accompanies his class on their Mode tour and brags about his internship. He has to give Betty the "stop embarrassing me look," and she winds things up. Her former teacher tells her how great it is to have one of her students succeed as a working writer, living in the big city. Betty and Justin spill that she's actually an assistant and still lives at home, and the teacher tries to compliment Betty on her style but it rubs up against the Teacher Truth Code. Betty offers to take questions from the kids, as long as they're not about vacuous celebrities. This rules out all but one. A girl named Hillary notes that Mode did an article on the fur industry. She wants to know if there was any backlash since the magazine advertises furs. Betty loves the question and high-fives Hillary, but as soon as the little attitude-laden ringleader of the group shoots her a disgusted look, Hillary says her question doesn't matter and walks away. Justin tells Betty that Lindsay, the mean girl ringleader, can make life hell for someone if she doesn't like what they say. It's like Lord of the Flies in ballet flats, he says. Betty won't give up, and tells the group that Mode is about journalism and telling stories, not about what Gisele is eating for lunch. Lindsay, with shock that Gisele eats lunch, wants to know the details. Betty can't give them to her, but from behind the reception desk Amanda says, "Cucumber wrapped sushi, seven jelly beans, sparkling water at room temp." The girls realize that a) they need to go on a diet; b) they want to be Amanda. Oh, seventh grade. I miss you not at all.
In the closet, someone cops a feel of Christina. It is, of course, Stuart. The two, who apparently have been jumping each other's bones with the vigor of a large-lunged bagpiper, have a discussion about a doctor's appointment that Stuart is supposed to go to. He doesn't want to, but she tells him she doesn't want to lose him. They smooch, and Marc walks in asking for an introduction. Christina tells him that he doesn't work there and she's going to call security. He says he's there on business, then asks them to avert their eyes because he has a clandestine meeting in the secret sex room. Stuart tells him he's been in there, and Marc is pleased before he's grossed out. He heads in, where Amanda and Halston are waiting. Amanda is spending some time with her dads, and notes that today she's feeling particularly close to Jimmie J.J. Walker. Dynomite, indeed. Her private investigator has upturned nothing, and she's depressed. Although he usually likes to see his friends in a bad way because it makes him feel superior, Marc has to admit that this isn't fun anymore. He's going to help Amanda, he says, by turning to a higher power. If God would just stop cradling Daniel's butt for a few minutes, she might actually make some headway.
Cut to Marc and Amanda visiting psychic Annie Potts! I expect her to call them "Charlene" and "Ant-ny." Marc thinks she's amazing because she figured out he was gay. Amanda notes that the doctor who delivered him did, too. Psychic Linda starts to tell Amanda that she won't ever have kids, and, when greeted with a look of horror, she asks if Amanda doesn't want to hear the negatives, because generally she just says what she sees. Amanda wants to rename Linda with the more psychic-worthy "Destiny" or "Celestia." Linda offers to make a turban out of her gym towel. She holds up a hand and says she's getting something, then picks up her phone before it rings to yell at her kid. If those and an aversion to doing actual work are the qualifications, then my former office-mate had more powers than I even knew.
Back at Mode, Betty asks Justin's teacher if she thinks the class got anything out of their visit. The teacher says that they're New York teenagers -- as long as they can sorta read and don't kill her, she's happy. Let's blame it all on No Child Left Behind, shall we? They plan to take their lunches down to the park, but after seeing a row of stickly models, a fat-feeling Lindsay throws her lunch into the trash and says, "Skipping!" A bunch of other girls follow suit, but Justin declines, telling them not to hate him because he's a guy and burns 26% more calories. Hillary pauses, but after a long, vicious look from Lindsay, she throws her lunch in the trash, too. A disturbed Betty watches, then marches in to Daniel and tells him they need to totally change the magazine. After the whole Jennifer Love Hewitt photo thing, which led me to wonder if my ass is actually huge because it looks just like hers, I can only say: Bravo!
Betty asks Daniel if he ever thinks about how Mode affects its readers. He thinks about all the stuff the women buy, which makes him a lot of money, and is pretty cool with that. With any question that begins, "Do you ever think..." she should be prepared for disappointment. Betty, of course, means more the "showing starving women in designer gowns" aspect of things. It's not a surprise, of course, but after spending time with Justin's class and seeing how it affects them, she feels like she's finally working at a place where she can do something about it. Daniel tells her she has her "let's change the world" face on. Betty says that she flashed back to the childhood trauma of Leslie Lavine's pool party. While all the other girls had on their tiny bikinis, Betty, sporting her oversize New Kids On The Block t-shirt, naturally, was inside eating chips with Leslie's parents, and hanging as tough as she could. She was "that girl."
Betty asks if they couldn't show a wider range of women -- normal, but not deathy. Finally, someone stands up for the non-deathy women in fashion! Okay, besides Tyra. Betty had the graphics department put together a little presentation that juxtaposes her, a model whose neck can't hold up her head, and a skeleton. It's all about subtlety. This could be the theme for Mode's show, she says -- healthy models. Daniel argues that it was done in Milan and Madrid, and then thinks about all the publicity those shows got. Betty wants to do it for the children, Daniel wants to do it for the press, and both agree it's a win-win. As Daniel goes to tell Alexis, he tells Betty that they need new models, a new backdrop, and a caterer, since they can feed the models for once. Betty smiles and says, "Suck that, Leslie Lavine."
Meanwhile, psychic Linda grasps and senses that Amanda is looking for her unc-bro-father. Amanda eagerly asks where and who he is. Linda says that Amanda will rescue a dog. Amanda thinks it's Halston, but Linda tells her it's another dog. She's going to rescue a black dog. Amanda is upset, but the dog is all that Linda sees. Oh, except that she tells Marc that he will eventually learn to walk again. Linda leaves, and Amanda tells Marc that at least he got good news.
Daniel enters what he thought was a meeting between him and Alexis, but which is actually a pitch meeting with all the editors of the other Meade publications. He joins, and he has to sit on a footstool. I mean, she already has a head on him. That's just unnecessary. Several editors thank Alexis for their fancy new desk chairs, which she says is a token of appreciation as president of a little thing she likes the call the Global Meade Publishing Empire. Daniel, having thought his chair was a peace offering, is feeling chump-like, per usual. When he tells Alexis that he wants to use healthy models for the fashion week show and the issue, she shoots him right down, saying that the designers will never go for it. They want the attention on the clothes, not the models. He tries to argue, but Alexis cuts him off in favor of hearing twenty exciting things you can do with beets.
Meanwhile, Wili is fielding a call from Marc while she's at the OB/GYN. She tells the doctor to hurry up, because the last time she was in stirrups this long she brought home a ribbon from Palm Beach Equestrian. There's some talk about fluids and sacs and whatnot, and the doctor tells her that they're done, but will be lucky to get one viable egg. Wili says that she has plenty, and that women over thirty-five have babies all the time. "Yes, women that age do," says the doc, then asks her who she has in mind to carry. He means, of course, carry the embryo, and says they'll cryogenically preserve it, just like Walt Disney, until she finds a surrogate. When Wili says that she, of course, is going to carry it, the doctor tells us what we might have presumed all along: all signs point show that Wili has a hostile womb. "Aren't they all?" asks Marc as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel gives Alexis hell after their meeting. He's mad because it's a good idea, and she just said no because it's his. To Alexis, that's the fun part of being boss. It's the wrong time to rock the boat, she says, and admits she's pulling rank. Daniel doesn't accept it and goes so far as to not sit on the footstool. A bold statement, for sure.
Wili and Marc get pedicures and discuss her hostile womb. Marc thinks it's ridiculous, and notes that her womb practically has a welcome mat. Wili replies, "It hasn't had a welcome mat since the '90s." They wonder where they can find someone sturdy of frame and wide of hip, with a womb as accommodating as the Four Seasons. That person, of course, has to be someone Wili's able to control. They get funny looks in their eyes as they gaze at the pedicurist, Brandy. Wili asks Brandy if the names she's always telling stories about are children or cats. Turns out they're kids -- and Brandy has five of them. It looks, Marc says, as if Wili has just found a five-star womb.
Meanwhile, Daniel comes to tell Betty the good news -- Alexis succumbed to their idea in a pissing contest. Not a literal one. Well, we hope. But Daniel has to remind Betty that he's the one with the penis, which makes everyone uncomfortable. Betty is overjoyed. She gets on the elevator and who should join her but Li'l Bow Wow -- nay, make that Just Plain Bow Wow. Though seriously, he's, like, 5'1". Betty gushingly says that he's really big, and is a man now, and there's nothing little about him now, she bets, before wondering why everything she says sounds so dirty. Bow Wow replies, "Can't complain till you get a little dirty, right?" What does that even mean? Betty doesn't know either. Suddenly, the elevator lurches in that way that induces phobias of both small spaces and limited quantities of oxygen. Betty tells Mr. Wow not to worry, because someone will be there to help them right away. Up at the reception desk, Amanda wonders when someone's going to do something about that annoying alarm that's been going off for fifteen minutes. But no matter! Bow Wow flirtingly raps to Betty, and she loves it. The elevator starts again, and Bow Wow tells Betty that he likes them freaky like her. Betty says that she has a boyfriend, and Bow Wow and his gratuitously cameo'd self have to step off. The doors open, and Amanda notes that she saved the day again. She's impressed that Bow Wow kisses Betty on the cheek, but more impressed that -- you got it -- she RESCUED A DOG. Amanda sends a psychic message to Linda. She believes!
In the closet, Henry asks a busy Christina for a minute. She rushes around and tries to blow him off, but he explains that he has news about her insurance -- they won't cover her husband for experimental procedures. Christina is crestfallen. She rips the arm off a mannequin and throws it. She probably could have done that with an actual model before they decided to go with the healthy angle. She hears an "ow." Turns out Marc is trying to swipe some pants with great butt cleavage for a big date with Cliff. She angrily tells him to take whatever he wants. He does with glee, until he notices that she's crying. He guesses this is about the sick husband and halfheartedly comforts her with the mannequin arm. He asks if he can do anything, and she says he can't unless he has $100,000 in his pocket. "Nope. All me," says Marc.
Cut to the official Mode model weigh in / press conference. Daniel says this is just one of the positive changes he's making to Mode before throwing it to Alexis, who reminds everyone that she's president of Meade. As Betty tells Justin to go back and tell this to the skinny mean-girl clique, the models walk in. They are NOT the models that Betty booked, and are also really, really skinny. The first model steps on the scale, and Alexis announces that she's 120 pounds. Betty cries foul to Justin, who says she's 102. Betty wonders how he knows this, and he says that's his gift -- well, that and accessorizing. It's the same story with all the models. As the models head off to eat a cupcake with Alexis, Betty and Justin step on the scale -- it adds 20 pounds to each of their weights. Alexis rigged it for the publicity.
Meanwhile, Amanda meets with Linda again. Linda asks for her hands, then squirts sanitizer on them, saying she knows where they've been. Linda tells Amanda that it's all about the letter "B" -- she's to follow the B, the B will lead her to a kiss, the kiss will take her to her father. Maybe, in another Golden Girls-themed twist, Amanda actually has to follow Bea Arthur? I see caftans in her future.
In the bathroom, Betty leaves a message for Daniel, who somehow disappeared from the press conference that he was helping to run -- like, no wonder he's not president of the company -- saying that he won't believe what Alexis did. At that moment, Alexis walks in. There are about 52 mirrors in that bathroom. Betty couldn't see her coming? Though she's dealing with a power greater than herself, and awkwardly so, Betty tells Alexis she knows Alexis is lying about the models' weights. Betty thought the whole point of this was to make a positive change, but Alexis tells her that the whole point of this was to sell clothes and get publicity. Now things are even worse, Betty says, because they're passing off some emaciated bitches as being healthy. Alexis argues that nobody cares about the models -- they're hangers, and designers don't want to show their clothes on fat hangers. Betty thinks that she and Alexis aren't that different and says that they both grew up not liking what they see in the mirror. Daniel, however, gets it. Alexis, tired of being the villain, tells Betty something about her hero of a boss: it was his idea to fix the scales. She might be lying, but it's such a douche-y thing to do that I totally believe he would have thought it up.
As Betty searches for Daniel, she stops at Amanda's desk. Halston, who is apparently racist, barks at her. As Betty leans over the desk, Amanda notices her giant dangling "B" necklace. She exclaims that Betty is her "B." Betty doesn't know what insult that is, but doesn't have time.
Meanwhile, Wili offers Brandy any of her furs that she likes except for the Russian sable, which she shot herself. Hostile womb? Never! Brandy is still unsure about the surrogacy. Wili hams it up, saying she's been so alone since she lost Bradford and has so much love to give. You know, I think there should be a registry of hostile wombs, like for pedophiles, so Brandy could at least know what she's getting into. She agrees to do it and gives Wili a hug. Wili, full of the generous spirit, tells Brandy that, instead of "Miss Slater," she can call her Wilhelmina. While she's pregnant.
Elsewhere, Betty uses a Danish as a prop to call Daniel out on the rigged scale. It makes sense when you see it. Daniel says that Alexis wouldn't agree to it otherwise, and it was a compromise. All Betty wanted was the truth. The truth, however, was that Alexis cut Daniel off at the knees, and he didn't want to admit he was powerless. He is also ashamed to admit that all he really cared about was the publicity. As happens pretty much every episode, Betty is really disappointed in Daniel. She gets it, but hoped it could be different for the girls in Justin's class. As Daniel looks at her, he sees a little chubby Betty in a New Kids shirt saying she guesses she was wrong. He is feeling chumpy as Donnie Wahlberg right now and about to bust into a chorus of "Please Don't Go Girl."
At the video store, Marc and Cliff can't decide on a movie. Marc suggests that they could find something they both want to watch if they go behind the curtain, a.k.a. the sticky room with all the porn. And, as one might suspect, things get even stickier as Marc picks up a video entitled Mistress Brandy. Yep, Wili's surrogate can shoot ping pong balls out of her cooter. Beats pumicing someone's nasty corn, I always like to say.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Betty gets sympathy from Ignacio and Hilda, who agree that there's nothing wrong with a little junk in the trunk. And then who should show up but Daniel. He hands Betty an invitation to the Mode show, which has a theme of "Fashion Get's [sic] Real." It's Mode's alternative fashion show, hosted by Daniel Meade, Betty Suarez, and a wayward apostrophe. Real models weighing more than 108 pounds and everything! Daniel brought some extra invitations for Justin and his friends. Betty gives him a big hug before pumping him for his motives. Though great publicity and sticking it to Alexis have their place, he's mostly doing it for Betty. He was the kind of jerk who would make fun of the husky girls in their NKOTB shirts, but is no longer content to be "that guy." Well, at least not after Betty makes him feel bad about it.
At Mode, Daniel holds a meeting with the staff sympathetic to this secret unsanctioned renegade fashion show that no one is supposed to know anything about. The official Mode show starts at 2:00, so this team has to be ready to take care of the lights and music. Christina's lined up some great new fashion designers, and the team has to hit the streets to find real women. That would be anyone who's not skinny and hot. Uh, thanks. The team members are on their own, since Daniel doesn't know where to start. On her way out, Amanda snatches Betty to pull her into the psychic scheme. Betty assures Amanda that she doesn't know anything about her father, and asks if Amanda is planning to kiss her. "Like you never thought about it," Amanda's replies. Betty doesn't know anything about psychics either, and Amanda tells her it's magic and like science -- you just have to believe in it, not understand it. After calling her Betty Gonzalez and saying she's sorry she lost her father last year, Amanda is moved by the fact that Betty actually lost her mother. She asks how she's gotten over it, and Betty says that she hasn't, but is thankful that she has her father. Amanda looks sad, and Betty is genuinely sorry that she can't be of help. As she turns to go, she notes that one of Amanda's possible father photos has fallen. Amanda picks it up. It is Gene Simmons. OF KISS. The B gave her a kiss. GENE SIMMONS IS AMANDA'S FATHER! Amanda sticks out her tongue. I see the resemblance!
Back at Wili's, she and Marc dismiss the mommymatrix. They need to find a surrogate they can control. Someone they can watch over day and night. Someone who's desperate for money. On cue, Christina, one of last year's Designers To Watch, of course, pops up on Fashion TV. Her womb has no idea what's coming its way.
And then! Fashion TV live at the Mode show! Suzuki St. Pierre gives Alexis Meade kudos for promising non-orexic models, and kudon'ts for not delivering. Betty and Henry scheme over walkie-talkies and get sexy using their Princess Daisy and Black Dragon code names, much to the chagrin of the other folks on the line. The skinny bitches finish walking, and Daniel emerges on the runway to tell the audience that they're in for something different. The silhouettes on the backdrops become skeletons with the tag line, "No Zero Worship." Or, given the crack proofreading we've seen so far, "Know Zero War Ship." Fashion isn't just for the size zeros, Daniel says, it's for the schoolteacher in Great Neck and the cashier at D'Agostinos. And the recapper, sitting on her couch enjoying a few Doritos. Real women with real bodies. Beauty, says Daniel, is one size that truly does fit all. And then out comes Bow Wow! Bow Wow is a healthy woman? Who knew! He raps as a bunch o' ladies come out -- short, tall, old, young, of all shapes and sizes -- in dresses that sparkle and shine. Gold lame is not just for skinnies! Justin's class looks on with interest, especially when their teacher works the catwalk. The audience goes crazy. And then it's Betty! You know, because America Ferrara is so huge. She's happy, and so are we!
After the show, Alexis takes all the credit. Betty asks Justin's class what they think, and Lindsay and her flunkies say that the women were fat and disgusting. Hillary wants to disagree with them, but can't. They leave, and Betty looks defeated. Daniel trots over to report that the press is saying it's their best show ever. Alexis is taking all the credit but he doesn't even care -- he's growing. As he asks Betty what's the matter, Justin runs back with Lindsay's primary flunky, who says that she thought the show didn't totally suck. She starts to ask questions about who picks all the clothes, because that sounds like an interesting job, but Justin shrieks that Lindsay's looking and they've gotta go. As they run off Daniel yells, "Stay in school! Don't do drugs!" He's going to make a great dad someday, just like Bradford. Betty and Daniel congratulate each other, and on behalf of all the girls who wear oversize t-shirts to pool parties, she thanks him. They march into the backdrop as Betty wonders if old hags over the age of thirty-five might make it into the pages of Mode, and we're out.
week: Betty is not herself. In kind of a sex fiend way, maybe!