Previously on Ugly Betty: Bradford died and Wilhelmina was up to something especially nefarious with his corpse. She also stole a hefty number of Mode staffers to help launch her own mag, which she titled Slater instead of Devil's Spawn. Betty met Gio the sandwich guy, but despite a spark or two, she decided to forgo his pastrami in favor of five months with Henry, he of accounting and knocking-up-another-woman fame.
We enter on the Meade siblings, preparing to watch a video that Bradford left for them a few weeks before he died. In it, he announces that he was sick, so death was more or less imminent. Bradford apparently did not leave word of whom he chose to run Meade Publications in his will, and this is because he wanted to explain his choice. He pauses to see if the camera is on, before saying that to run a company like Meade, you have to have confidence, be able to smell blood in the water, and possess a killer instinct. So after long consideration, he chooses...Betty? Well, not really, but she totally interrupts his speech from the dead to deliver him something from Daniel, and knocks the camera over in the process. If you were videotaping an addendum to your last will and testament, wouldn't you lock the door?
Betty leaves, and Bradford continues that he hopes they'll both understand when he tells them that he chooses his d... Yes, his d... That's as far as we get, because Bradford fiddles with the camera to see if it's on, and actually turns it off in the process. Did he not watch this thing after he filmed it? Perhaps he started, but was too freaked out by his eerie similarity to Max Headroom to continue. Daniel and Alexis can't believe it, and instantly start bickering over which "d" Bradford was about to decree leadership to. Alexis thinks it's clear that he was going to say "my daughter," while Daniel argues that Bradford called him "my Daniel" all the time. Okay, this one totally goes to Alexis. I mean, chalk flew up. They decide to talk to Claire about it the morning, and agree that until then, no one sits behind Bradford's desk. It's good to see they've completed their grieving in such a timely manner.
Cut to Betty and Daniel stealing -- or guarding, as Daniel calls it -- Bradford's chair. Daniel thinks he can run Meade as well as Alexis. These skills are put to the test when Alexis catches them with the chair and plops herself down in it. Daniel tries to squeeze himself in there too but can't do it, and asks if Alexis had super strength installed along with her vagina. I bet it was a bonus, like when you get the little sample of pomade shrink-wrapped to the bottle of shampoo at Target. Betty tells them that everyone is watching, and says she'll guard the chair until they've worked it out with Claire. They leave, and Henry tells Betty to wear socks to their date tomorrow night, because they're going to get knocked off. He exits, and Betty coos to Christina how sweet he is, and says that every Saturday, they make an ice cream sundae bar and watch old movies. I think I'm getting old and nerdy, because that sounds awesome to me. Well, if you throw in a bottle of wine and the movie is always interrupted by all the sex you're having. Christina asks Betty if she and Henry would be up for joining her and her possibly ne'er-do-well formerly abandoned husband Stuart to the premiere of 27 Dresses. Betty really wants to see this movie, and Christina wants to eat James Marsden for dessert, and is that enough plugging for now? Betty is tempted, but says that she and Henry are trying to do things as a duo since he's leaving in seventeen weeks and four days. Or, she realizes, five days -- go, leap year!
We then move to Wilhelmina berating her new staff about the mock-up cover of Slater. Turns out they were supposed to make her look five years younger than she says she is, and she commands them to work through lunch. They give steely stares in response, and Marc explains that no one minds being abused, it's just that the staff thought they were being paid to be abused. Wili says that in her day, they worked hard and were lucky if they got a cheese sandwich and a cup of bad coffee. Or, tens of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery. Right, Ugly Wili? Marc reminds her that she was a senator's daughter and went to boarding school in Paris. But no matter, Wili announces that she's meeting with their investors and is certain they'll have their funding.
Meanwhile, Nick berates Amanda for not ordering enough paper clips. She notes that he isn't the only one who needs paper clips, and picks up a paper-clip leash that leads to a paper-clip-sweater-wearing Halston. Metallics are in! When she cracks wise about his hair gel, Nick calls security on the dog. Poor Halston is confiscated, and the security guard won't even agree to walk him. Score one for Nick Pepper. But not for long.
Out walks Hilda, who was at Meade to make a few color copies for her salon and steal office supplies while she's at it. Her fliers announce "Hilda's Beautilities: I Give Good Hair." This reminds me of a pet salon in a neighboring town that's called "Doggie Style." Class-ay! Hilda has a good feeling about her new salon, due in part to the fact that she's getting a slightly damaged shampoo sink from a burned-down beauty school. Truly, it's fate. Betty reminds her that Henry and his Time-Life books will be over to install the sink later on. Hilda still has to get the sink home, and asks if Betty's little van-owning friend Gio would be able to transport it. Betty says he'll be happy to. Hmm, who knew they were so close?
Wili, meanwhile, has had no luck with her investors. Apparently, they told her that she has an image problem. Medusa X? An image problem? No! How has she not been arrested for that, by the way? The usually supportive Marc notes that she has had some bad press, and that he doesn't know how to put a positive spin on the fact that she was fired and pushed into her fiancé's grave. Wili thinks that they're screwed, but Marc says that in the media age, in which Britney's bald vag is all over the world in minutes, Wili's image can be changed. He tells her he'll make her into Mother Teresa with better boobs. The poor and needy love good boobs.
Gio delivers the shampoo sink to Casa de Suarez, and he tells Betty that she only calls him when she needs something. She explains that she hasn't been down to the deli lately because Gio likes to announce her entrance by saying, "There she is! The eater." Gio thinks it's cute. But Gio's opinion of Henry isn't so high. He thinks Henry's boring, and Betty's tales of Saturday night sundae night don't sway him. If Gio only had four months left with the girl he loved, then every night would be a chance to make a memory. And if there were any ice cream involved, he'd eat it off of her stomach. He goes on about Montauk and beaches and wine and fire escapes and the Blue Note and dancing and holding a woman and feeling breath on your neck. Hooo! Hilda and Betty both get a little stirred in the loins and are jarred out of it only when some dance music comes on. Gio grabs Betty and spins her around, causing Hilda to say they look good together. As Betty goes backwards for a dip, she sees Henry, who sternly agrees. Commercials.
When we return, Henry's installing the sink and grilling Betty about why she was dancing with Gio. As it turns out, in addition to making ladies all wet with his tales of romance, Gio also knows something about sinks. Henry, however, is not so skilled and gets himself drenched.
And then, surprise surprise! Fashion TV has tales of the devil donating Prada. Yes, Wili has been clothing the homeless, picking up trash, and even comforting the sick. And how does she do the latter, you may ask? By doing the most awesome thing I've ever seen, and singing "Rise And Shine And Give God Your Glory (Glory)" whilst strumming an acoustic guitar. In a children's hospital. Oh, it is rich. Can Vanessa Williams get an Emmy just for that? Suzuki St. Pierre says it's as if Eleanor Roosevelt has come back to life, as a woman. The phone rings, and it's the investors. Wili says that since the cameras just showed up and ambushed her, everyone now knows the "real" Wilhelmina. Honey, nobody's seen the real Wilhelmina since 1977.
Cut to Claire on the prison phone, lamenting Bradford's lack of dexterity with a video camera. There's mention of bedroom footage involving half an hour of a moaning lamp, and that's more than we, Daniel, and Alexis really need to know. Claire tells the kids that she has a little more cache in the big house now that she's an escapee, and the bulls are giving her a wider berth. Okay, so Judith Light and Vanessa Williams can tie for the Emmy. Daniel and Alexis start fighting over who gets to tell Claire that they think she should plead not guilty for reason of insanity, and Claire has to open up a can of convict whoop-ass. She tells them that they're on their own, and have to grow up. This is a business they're talking about, not the treehouse they fought over when they were twelve. With instructions to work it out, she hangs up. Daniel thinks they should do what Claire said -- settle it like they did with the treehouse. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for a paintball war.
Back at the Suarez House, Justin has styled Henry in a way that really accentuates his improbable shoulder-to-waist ratio. Hilda rushes in excitedly to tell everyone that she asked Gio out, and they're going to go dancing. Betty looks a little weird about this, and asks why Hilda would want to go out with annoying Gio. But Hilda thinks he's fun. Justin tells them to be home by 11, as Gio proposes going to an off-the-hook club that plays reggaeton. Hilda is excited. When Betty says she thinks it sounds fun, Hilda invites them along. They decline, as Betty says that Henry has a big surprise for her. Cut to their date night when Henry tells Betty that they're not going to have ice cream tonight -- they're going to make it. No, not make "it." Literally make ice cream. Betty looks resigned as we head to commercials.
When we return, Henry presents Betty with a bowl of his inaugural creation -- a scoop of homemade "Bananas for Betty." She thinks it's sweet that he named it after her, and wants to make out. He's too enthralled by his film selection of The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant. Betty tells Henry that she was thinking it would be fun to climb the fire escape or go to the pier. A puzzled Henry replies that it's supposed to rain and it's movie night. "Let's sit on the couch and eat our ice cream," says Betty, before adding, "But maybe there's a more fun way to eat it." That is going to be one sticky accountant before too long.
Meanwhile, the paintball teams have suited up at Mode. It's a fight to the death, and the captain of the winning team takes control of Meade. Amanda, on Daniel's team of course, tells Nick he's going to taste the wrath of Halston's vengeance. Having seen Halston, I'm guessing his wrath would taste like old dog farts.
We cut back to our favorite lovebirds. Sadly, the ice cream sundae in a cone made of Henry's abs is a bit of a disaster. Henry asks how it's better than the night he planned, and Betty says she just wanted to try something different. She wonders why they're sitting at home, when they could be "out there" "dancing" "or something." Betty tells Henry that she wants them to have memories. He says if that's what she really wants, they'll go dancing. Everyone needs memories to file away in the "embarrassing moments" corner of her mind, I guess.
Back at Mode, we learn that the paintball field is closed due to rain. But no matter, says Alexis, the game is still on. Her team gets an early disadvantage as she has to shoot Kenny herself after he raps, "She's Alexis, big as Texas, she knows what it's like to be both sexes." Heh. Game on, in the Mode offices. Those poor cleaning people.
Meanwhile, Wili and Marc leave their latest meeting, assured that by this time week, they'll have funding for Slater. Wili sends Marc upstairs to get her umbrella and tells him she'll meet him at the restaurant. As an elderly woman WITH A VERY DISTINCTIVE VOICE (YEEE!!!!) wearing a plastic raincoat opens the door to a cab, Wili swoops right in and steals it. The woman protests and calls Wili rude. Wili notes the plasticwear, and says she's Wilhelmina Slater and she doesn't get wet. She slams the door shut, with the woman's hand still attached. The cab starts to drive off but has to slow down when it becomes evident that grandma's hand is caught in the door. Wili opens the door and throws a bunch of bills as the woman falls back on the street. Two gay passersby and their little Yorkie stop and realize that yes, it's BETTY WHITE, BITCHES!!! Betty White says, "Yes it's Betty White, jackass. I'm on the ground here! Call 911!" Turns out 911 has already been contacted. Thank God these guys didn't get overexcited and dial 1-800-PET-MEDS instead. But, more importantly, these gentlemen recorded the whole incident on their phones. They tell Betty that she's their favorite Golden Girl. Hey, mine too! They ask for a picture. Betty's in pain, but what else is she going to do while she waits for the ambulance? As Betty White has flashbacks of the time Rue McClanahan "accidentally" pushed her down the stairs and put razor blades in the cheesecake, we head to commercials.
When we return, we're in da club, which features a lot of red lights and flaming drinks. Hilda and Gio are happy to see Henry and Betty come in, and Gio orders a round of Flaming Pelicans. Henry wants a club soda, but Betty thinks a drink will loosen Henry up, and then Gio can show him some fancy dance moves. But Henry, much like Phil Collins, can't dance. They sit one out as Hilda and Gio take the floor.
In paintball shenanigans, Alexis uses a wardrobe rack and a healthy dose of slow motion to take out everyone except for Daniel and Amanda. Oh, it is on.
WIli and Marc, meanwhile, encounter a gaggle of paparazzi. She thinks they want to know about Slater, and says she's happy to answer any questions. The first one asked is, "Wilhelmina, why do you hate Betty White?" Awesome. Even Mother Teresa with a boob lift couldn't come back from that one. Wili says she has nothing against Betty White, and a reporter asks why, then, she viciously attacked her. Back at home, they see the homemade video of Wili reducing Golden Betty's high five to a high four in the car door. A crushed Marc asks, "Wili, how could you?" Wili says she's not a monster -- she just thought it was some old woman in the rain. Marc heads to the YouTubes, where he learns that the video has had 50,000 hits in an hour, and some queen has even made a dance remix. I would totally download the "I'm Wilhelmina Slater and I don't get wet" chorus for my ringtone. Wili is upset both that Slater is ruined and that she spent an afternoon touching homeless people for nothing. Marc says that maybe the investors haven't seen it yet. A barrage of phones ringing indicate something different.
Back at paintball camp, Amanda holds a mannequin wearing ruined Anna Sui. She dramatically says she knows she should feel something, but she feels nothing -- war has changed her. Turns out that with one victim and one evacuee, there's only Alexis and Nick left on the other team. Daniel strengthens his resolve to win, and tells Amanda to take Nick while he takes Alexis.
At World of Reggaeton, Gio and Hilda and Hilda's leopard print stilettos cut it up like Marie Osmond in her doll costume. Betty tries to drag Henry onto the dance floor, but he ends up backing into a tray of Flaming Pelicans and catching his sleeve on fire. This puts him in even more of a foul mood, and he angrily asks Betty what they're even doing there. Betty says she just wanted to dance, and Henry tells her to go dance with Gio, because he's never going to be "that guy." And if he were going to try, he'd have to cut his legs off at the knee. He storms off, Betty looks forlorn, and we head to commercials.
When we return, it's still bad times for Wili and Marc. The phone rings, and it turns out Betty White wants to speak to Wili! Ah, the dream of every gay has come true for Miss Wilhelmina Slater. Wili asks how she's doing, and Betty White says that she's doing surprisingly well for someone who had to fight a rat for her fingertip. Don't you feel like this should just naturally segue into a "Back in St. Olaf" story? Wili apologizes, and says she just thought Betty was some old lady. Betty thinks it's an honest mistake. She'll be fine, she says -- she did lose a lot of blood, but it was her own fault, since she stopped to sign a few autographs and almost bled out on the sidewalk. Would that Bea Arthur had been there to dress her with the excess material from her caftan. And then, the thing happens that maybe ties with Wili's folk singing for the greatest thing ever: Wili tells Betty that she's loyal to her fans, and that's why she's so beloved. Betty says she adores them, except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about her and Bea Arthur. HAAAAAAAAAA. And I've deleted all my files, so you can't prove anything. In any case, it turns out that Betty is calling to forgive Wili. Wili, quick on her feet, says that this makes her feel better, but Betty can help heal the city if she forgives Wili on TV. It's a scheme even Sophia Petrillo would be proud of.
And, we're back to the great paintball war of 2007. Amanda sneaks up on Nick and shoots him upwards of four times. He calls her a psycho, she calls him a dog-hater, he calls her hot when she's mad, she calls him hot when he's dead. The furious making out commences, and Alexis takes the opportunity to shoot Amanda. Amanda could give a rat, because paint from her ass is about to be all over someone's glass door.
Back at the club, Betty leaves an apologetic message for Henry. But, it turns out, Henry's on the dance floor. In a wifebeater. Actually dancing. He's dancing either kind of well, or Napoleon-Dynamite-well. The line is so thin these days. Betty's mind goes to slow motion and provides a soundtrack of "If You Don't Know Me By Now" as she gazes upon him. Henry gets a thunderous round of applause and goes to claim his woman. He apologizes for being jealous and acting like a jerk, but adds that he's never going to be like Gio, because getting his freak on doesn't come naturally. Au contraire, Señnor Grubstick. Betty doesn't want him to be Gio, or want to come to clubs, or want to eat ice cream off of his stomach. She just wants to be with him. And he wants to be with her. And they're both happy eating ice cream on the couch, out of a bowl. Gio and a tipsy Hilda ask if the two want another drink, but Henry says they're going home. Gio looks after them with longing as they exit. Hilda notices the way he's staring after Betty, and lets out a big sigh. Oh, like that has EVER happened before.
And then, it's the paintball showdown we've all been waiting for. Daniel versus Alexis. Alexis tries to do some fancy move on the table, but ends up falling on the floor, apparently hurt. Her gun flies off to the side. Daniel goes to see if she's okay, and she asks what he's waiting for, and tells him to take the shot. He stands over her, ready to shoot, but then lowers his weapon. He asks if it really matters who Bradford wanted to run Meade, and proposes that they run it together. Alexis says she'd like that, then stands up and gives him a big hug. While he's reveling in their familial embrace, Alexis reaches down, I believe to Daniel's own gun, and pulls the trigger. Daniel is shot. Well, there's the killer instinct Bradford was talking about. Alexis gets a really scary evil look on her face and, still hugging him, says that she let him win the treehouse because it didn't matter. But she's not letting him win this.
Back at Henry's apartment, Betty and Henry slow-dance and discuss their future movie nights. It's very sweet. We cut to Casa de Suarez, where Hilda and Gio come in for the night. Gio asks if she wants to go out again, and she declines. She had so much fun during the night, especially when Henry caught on fire, but she tells Gio that he really upped his game when Betty was around. She doesn't think she's the Suarez sister that he likes. I don't know, I think Gio and Hilda would be cute together. They're both entrepreneurs, after all. Gio gets a funny look, perhaps because he's so wee that Hilda's spectacular rack is at his eye level, and we head to commercials.
When we return, Wili, Marc, Suzuki St. Pierre, and several cameras are in Betty White's hospital room. Wili notes that this story is going to be picked up by every major station, and thanks Betty White for being such a class act. Betty White doesn't want to be part of the ugliness out there, and quotes Gandhi to emphasize her point. She then looks at her makeup artist's work in the mirror, and sarcastically says that it's terrific that she's going on the air with whore eyes. The cameras roll, and Suzuki asks what Wili has to say to award-winning actress, animal-rights activist, and friend to gays everywhere Betty White. Even Marc has to acknowledge his love for her, because loyalty to your evil boss or no, you can't fight the feeling for Betty White. Wili begins to talk about her apology, and in doing so grabs Betty's hand. Betty yanks it away as if in pain, says that Wili's going after her other hand, and asks what she ever did to Wili. "Oh God, get the monster away from me!" she yells, and Wili tells the camera to cut. Turns out that the feud is huge, and Betty White is going to milk it until it's dry. Wili says that Betty doesn't need this, but Betty White tells her that the Golden Girls money went right to the nickel slots. No Match Game residuals? In any case, it's just one big lesson that you do not fuck with Miss Betty White. Ever. So all of you out there, be nice to old ladies, because you never know.
At Mode the day, Daniel tells Betty that Alexis is the boss now. Betty is sad to hear it, but Daniel, willing to concede the "my d--" issue and saddened that Bradford never really trusted him, says that maybe Bradford knew that only Alexis had his killer instinct. Betty points out that Martin Luther King and Jesus didn't need killer instinct to lead. Daniel agrees that he could probably run a fashion magazine about as well as Martin Luther King. Maybe not Jesus, though. Henry dances by with a little wave to Betty, and she gets a big smile.
Things aren't going so well for Wili, though. None of her staff is coming in. She says calmly to Marc that Slater is dead. She's moved on to Plan B. Isn't that, like, Plan W by now? She's saved it for a rainy day, she says, and by God it's pouring. Wili opens her freezer and pulls out a thermos. She reminds Marc that after Bradford died, she went off to grieve quietly. We flash back to her approaching the doctor tending to Bradford's corpse. She asks him if it's true that sperm can be removed from a body up to 48 hours after death and still be viable. It is, indeed, true, and so Wili asks the doctor if he'd be willing to perform a procedure. Yes, it's man-seed spumoni in that thermos. Okay, that's Plan EW. If Wili can't marry into the Meade family, she says, she will give birth to an heir. Great. Because what the world needs now is another emotionally retarded Meade spawn. We discover that sometimes the most evil "mwah ha ha" is the one that is silent as we fade to black.