Previously: The Meade/Slater wedding was all full of hijinx, and the two never got to their "I do"s. Daniel fired Betty after learning that she kept her knowledge of Wili's bodyguard affair secret, but it was Bradford who, on his deathbed, implored Betty to take care of Daniel. And you know how seriously people take deathbed requests these days.
We begin with Betty having a midnight snack of empanadas. She opens her fridge to get more milk, and finds Bradford's head on a platter behind a gallon jug. She is frightened, though if you ask me, he's the one who should get a scare upon seeing her double bang-curlers. Betty shuts the door and tells herself that if you eat empanadas at 2 AM, you pretty much deserve to see a ghost. I don't even want to know what you'd see if you had leftover Taco Bell chalupas. Betty opens the door again, and finds the fridge Bradford-free. This is because now he's standing right behind her. Bradford tells Betty that he's not a ghost; he's a subconscious manifestation of her guilt. Betty says that she's not guilty, and Bradford notes that she promised him on his deathbed that she'd take care of Daniel, and then didn't take her job back. Oooh, dead guy: 1. Betty says that she does feel a little guilty, but can't go back to Mode, because it changed her too much. She asks Bradford to disappear so that she can go to bed, and he asks, "By 'bed,' you mean 'finish these empanadas'?" Oooh, dead guy: 2.5. Bradford is so much more amusing as a subconscious manifestation of Betty's guilt than he ever was in life!
The morning, it's tree decorating time! Or maybe it isn't. Since it's the day of Bradford's funeral, Hilda thought they could wait, but Betty says that they have to do the tree because it was their mom's tradition. Hilda asks Betty if she's going to go back to work at Mode. Betty says that she's been thinking about their mom a lot lately, and doesn't think that she'd be happy with the person Betty was becoming. Hilda quite practically points out that she'd be happier if Betty quit after she got her Christmas bonus. Or, one might conjecture, if Hilda actually had any clients at her back porch beauty salon.
And then, it's funeral time! Daniel is in awe of the giant family plot, which apparently was purchased when he was at boarding school. Christina -- who is wearing a kick-ass cloche hat with giant buttons on the side -- asks Betty if they're getting paid for the day. She notes that Henry weaseled out of attending the funeral, and Betty explains that he's at the office: the new issue is closing, and all of the accounts have to be closed by the end of the day. Sheila walks by with Amanda hot on her heels, asking if she'll be in line to take over Meade Publications now that Bradford's gone. Sheila is sure that Amanda's two years as a receptionist qualify her to run the whole company. By some standards, that qualifies you to be President of the United States. Amanda notices a police car. Turns out its occupant is Claire, in chains and an orange jumpsuit. She waddles her way over to Daniel and Alexis. Hey, at least she didn't have to pick up the trash on the outskirts of the cemetery.
Daniel delivers the eulogy, and ends by saying that he and Alexis will make sure that Bradford's legacy lives on. The legacy of being a huge dickwad most of the time? What? I'm just saying. Daniel opens up the floor to anyone who might have something to say, and Betty -- despite Christina's protestations and Amanda's eye-rolls -- steps up. She says that Bradford loved his family and wasn't just the head of a company; he was also a father and a husband. From way in the back, we hear a voice saying, "He was almost my husband." Yes, it's funeral-crashing Wili, trailed by Marc who loudly whispers, "What is she doing here? Who is she wearing? I can't believe she came!" Daniel storms up to Wili, who says she's just there to add a few words, since no one knew or loved Bradford the way she did. She greets Claire: "Decided not to wear black, I see." Claire, having learned all kinds of tricks in the pokey, sticks out a foot, and Wili flies right into the empty grave. Claire makes a motion to terminate Wilhelmina Slater as creative director of Mode effective immediately. Both Alexis and Daniel are in agreement, and with a swift "Rest in peace, bitch" on Claire's part, we're out.
Cut to Mode, where a bedraggled Wili limps in, with Marc's assistance. She looks like a combination of Mary Poppins and Mystery from The Pick Up Artist. Marc says that if he's said it once, he's said it a thousand times -- nobody pushes Wilhelmina Slater into an open grave! I thought that's where she caught up on her beauty sleep?
Quick cut to the Suarez family, who are getting ready to decorate the tree, complete with Ignacio's Christmas kidney stone ornament. Traditions, I guess.
Cut back to Mode, where Wili says that she always feared that this day was a possibility. But she was prepared. She tells Marc that they must do something now -- something beautiful and final, so that they'll never forget that they were here. Marc hopes this isn't a murder/suicide type deal, because he and Cliff have A Chorus Line tickets for that evening. Wili, who has cleaned up remarkably well, dials a number on her rotary phone, and up pops a neon encasement with a disk that reads, "Medusa X" on the inside. Wili rips open the wallet she gave Marc for his birthday, and retrieves the key for the case; the disk rises out. Wili says that it's something the Pentagon cooked up -- date one of the joint chiefs, and it's amazing the access you'll have. She plugs the password "Retail" into a computer, and has to assure Marc that they're not dying -- Mode is.
Just as Betty is telling Hilda that Mode will get along fine without her...
...Medusa X goes into motion. A super-evil animated Medusa Wili pops up on screen, and then we see that all the Mode files on every computer in the building are being deleted. Henry, at his desk, sees his Betty screensaver taken over by the Wili-dusa logo, the lights go out, and Wili, basking in a red glow, calmly says, "It is done." If there were ever a time for a giant "Mwah ha ha!," this would certainly be it. I guess that can be said of all Wili's recent scenes, though. Commercials.
When we return, Hilda is complaining that she wanted a pink fake tree this year instead of the lovely real one they currently have. Justin notes that pink is the new green, and he and Hilda agitate for white lights and tinsel. Betty says no way, because this is tradition, and Hilda tells her to get off her balls. Literally, her Christmas balls. I am going to start sticking ornaments under people's butts just so I can say "Get off my balls." Just in time to ruin this halcyon Christmas fun time, Henry calls Betty's phone to tell her that the computers at Mode have crashed and the book has disappeared.
Cut to Mode, where Henry greets Alexis and Daniel by telling them that the tech guy said all the hard drives were dead and they might as well bury them. He apologizes for the metaphor, then tells them that the layout, editorial, graphics, and everything are all gone. The issue ships in twelve hours, and Daniel says that they'll never make their deadline. Alexis counters that they have to. Mode is already in trouble, and if they can't get the issue out, Henry says, it will be the final nail in its coffin. This is why Henry does math for a living instead of grief counseling. Daniel tells Henry to start making calls and getting everyone in, and Henry says that they're already there. Yep, Betty called everyone she could think of, since she thought Daniel could use some help. She's back for tonight, she says, and Daniel gets a big smile. Dear Santa: for Christmas I want a plucky, monobrowed sidekick to always save the day!
Back at Casa de Suarez, Hilda is having some troubles putting the lights on the tree. She climbs down from her ladder, tired of Ignacio's criticism, and knocks the whole thing over, which of course sets the tree on fire. That's so Hilda!
At Mode, everyone is scrambling. Betty's gotten drafts of stories from some of the freelancers, but the cover is still a no-go. Daniel tells her to stay on it. With impeccable timing and hair, Wili enters the room. She notes the somber faces, and asks if somebody died. Alexis removes her earrings in preparation for kicking Wili's ass, but Daniel holds her back. Wili tells the rest of the staff that she's seeking greener pastures, and so can they. Marc unveils the mockup for Slater, a luxury fashion magazine for trendsetters and jetsetters. Wili tells the staff that there are still positions available, and asks who wants to leave this crumbling dynasty. When there are initially no takers, Wili tells them that everyone who comes to Slater will get a 15% raise and benefits including dental and cosmetic surgery. Amanda tries to push Betty to the Slater side of the room on this last point, but Betty, of course, won't go. No matter, though, because Wili has plenty of defectors. Daniel tells her that Bradford built Mode, and that he and Alexis are going to continue his legacy. Wili tells the Meade progeny that Bradford thought Daniel was an incompetent buffoon, and that Alexis was a circus freak, and on this last point Alexis has to hold Betty back from giving Wili a beating. To add insult to injury, Marc tells Daniel that his fly is down just so that he can say, "Made you look." He beckons Amanda to come with the defectors, but Amanda says that Mode wasn't just Bradford's magazine; it was also her mother's. Best friends, torn apart by this magazine rivalry! Betty, Alexis, and Daniel take the "See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil" positions as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty calls home to check in. Hilda has to admit that the tree caught fire. None of the family members got hurt, but unfortunately Popsicle Santa was one among a raft of ornament casualties. Hilda says that they saved the angel, which is the most important thing, since it was their mom's favorite. Betty is distracted by Subconscious Manifestation Of Her Guilt Bradford, who pops up inside her "SoCuteItsSick.com" screensaver. He points out that Daniel is in the middle of a crisis, and asks whether this isn't the place when Betty usually gives one of her annoying pep talks. He tells her to go, and her cute little kitten screensaver won't get hurt. Ah, Bradford. Crusty even as a figment of someone else's imagination!
Betty enters Daniel's office, and it's evident that Wili's words have gotten to him. Betty tells him that if he wants to keep Bradford's legacy alive, then he needs to step up. In his eulogy, he promised to fill Bradford's shoes, which both acknowledge is easy to say but hard to do. Betty offers a parallel story about how her mom was a stickler for tradition, and she had to step up to make tamales on her dad's birthday. Betty likes to think that, in some small way, that keeps her alive. Daniel complains that Wili took all of the staff, but Betty points out that they still have Sheila, a great editor; Veronica, a very good art director; Henry, a cute accountant; and seven very able assistants who can do a lot more for Daniel than get his coffee. Daniel is ready to go make tamales! I'll bet this is a much different context than when he usually says that.
Daniel -- with some cheerleading from Betty -- gives his team a pep talk. Alexis says that they've recovered most of their advertising, which means that they have eighty-three pages of content to fill before they can ship. Amanda gets the job of writing the number of pages left to fill on the board. Christina has to go home to get the bits of the Prada shoot that are left. Betty gets to write five hundred words on Snuggle Bunny, the last book she read. She points out that Henry is a good cook, and he's named the new food editor. Sheila comes in with a bit of bad news -- the latest the printer said he could push their deadline is 2 AM. He did, however, tell Sheila that she sounded like she has great boobs. Alexis says that this is Arthur Kaplan, a total dog, and that she thinks she can get him to extend the deadline. Because if anyone has persuasive boobs, it's Alexis. She says that if they can save the magazine, she might finally be able to write them off. Henry trails her, noting that this isn't a legitimate business expense. The front-of-book graphics are sketched out, and Amanda gets to take the count down by six pages. With her math skills, I don't know how they'll ever know for sure how many pages they have left to fill.
As everyone hustles and bustles, Amanda tells Daniel that she feels there's a way in which she can contribute more. She thinks that maybe she inherited some of Fey's creative instincts, and Daniel puts her in charge of the "What's Hot" section. Sheila groans and Amanda brags about her promotion. Veronica the art director comes in with some more bad news: the photographer for the cover shoot is on a sixteen-hour flight to Australia, and they can't get the negatives. ["Negatives? In 2007? The photographer doesn't use a digital camera? All right." -- Wing Chun] Betty asks why they can't do another shoot in the office, but Daniel says that they sold the advertisers on cover girl Cameron Ashlock. She has a movie, an album, and a perfume coming out. Betty asks why they can't find her and have her do another shoot. Turns out America's Sweetheart is a bit of a tippler, and she's in rehab now. Daniel says that he's going to take care of this, and confesses to Betty that they're going to break her out of rehab. Betty thinks no, no, no, as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel and Betty walk the twelve steps to Cameron's rehab room, which Betty files away as evidence of the kind of nefarious deeds she doesn't want to do anymore. Cameron is Eliza Dushku, Faith from Buffy! She's pleased to know that everyone knows where she is, and notes that her publicist is well worth the money, before going back to meditating.
Meanwhile, Alexis is on the path to seduce Arthur into extending Mode's printing deadline. She takes off her trench coat in preparation to wow him with her enormous knockers, but covers back up when a small person, who is not Arthur, notes what a big girl she is. Turns out Arthur left in the spring, and this little fellow, Harvey Milfree, took over. He is fascinated by Alexis's giant feet, and asks how she finds shoes. She tells him who she is, and he replies that he's not pushing her deadline. She says that they're shorthanded, which he takes as a slur. He points out quite correctly that she came over to convince Arthur to keep the place open by showing her jugs, but that she covered them up as soon as she saw him. He asks for a little peek, but she has a better idea, and grabs the key from the lock and barricades it with a bench, noting that the two of them and the two girls are staying inside.
Back at rehab, Cameron vaguely remembers doing the Mode cover shoot, as well as the photographer. Betty quite vividly remembers how Cameron threw coffee at her, and then filled the cup with vodka, which Cameron says, with a laugh, is "classic me." She's clean and sober now, she says, and has totally found God, who touches her, but not, like, in a sexual way. I hope not; otherwise this means that Lindsay Lohan will carry the second coming of the savior. As Cameron stretches, Daniel asks her if she'll reshoot the cover tonight. Cameron is in a really intensive six-week rehab, and says no way. Betty takes the "making amends" route, given that Cameron was kind of mean the first time. Cameron admits that she did pee in someone's chair, since she thought it was the bathroom. It was Betty's chair. Classic Cameron! And, sadly, classic Betty.
Meanwhile, Wili congratulates her new staffers on the best decision of their lives, and tells them that, as of tomorrow morning, financing for her -- nay, their -- magazine will be secure. Marc toasts to world domination, and changes it to "To Slater!," before Wili tells her new staff to enjoy their two complimentary pieces of cheese. Marc pulls her aside and asks what her financing scheme is, and she says that since her sugar daddy kicked the bucket early, she's going to turn to her own daddy. Marc chuckles and says it's funny that Wili has a father, since he always imagines her bubbling up from a cauldron or being born of a jackal. She tells him he's sweet, and gives him an extra piece of cheese.
The Meade siblings are on the phone, Alexis congratulating Daniel on his progress and adding that she's still negotiating with Harvey. She begs Harvey, saying that he doesn't know what they've been through. Harvey gives her the "Oooh, poor pretty rich girl's got problems, boo hoo!" Oooh, is he ever going to get a healthy helping of tranberry sauce with his turkey.
Back at the new cover shoot, things aren't going so well. Cameron is refusing to come out of her room unless they give her booze or drugs. Oooh, should have done an in-rehab shoot. While Betty and Christina try to problem-solve, Daniel says that he's going to give Cameron a drink. It's the cover, and it's what his father would do. Subconscious Manifestation Of Betty's Guilt Bradford toasts with a tropical drink and says it's true. I knew trying to follow in Bradford's footsteps was going to be a bad idea. Daniel asks Betty to tell the photographer that Cameron will be out in ten minutes as we head to commercials.
When we return, Amanda is tossing Skittles in her mouth as Sheila asks for her pages. Amanda says that she'll get to it, and is waiting for inspiration to strike. She's following in Fey's footsteps, and as it turns out, Fey's motto was, "Inspiration, not perspiration." Since I sweat through just about everything I own, I don't think Fey would be in a hurry to hire me for any creative endeavors. Sheila hates her life, and is going to her office to self-medicate. She'll be back in an hour. Amanda says that she'll come through, before noticing that, in fact, she's got some perspiration going on. A pizza delivery boy comes in, and Amanda gets her inspiration. She needs a favor from him, she says, that's not sexual, and then asks him to take off his pants.
Meanwhile, Harvey and Alexis bond over their life stories. Alexis talks about Bradford's difficulty in accepting her, and how Wili's comment made her question whether he ever really got there. Harvey knows where she's coming from, and says that he wasted so much time trying to win his father over. Finally, he just said, "To hell with it, this is who I am." Alexis says that her father's dead, and Harvey tells her that she's free -- now it only matters what she thinks. Alexis tells Harvey he can go if he wants to, since Mode's not going to meet its deadline. Harvey tells her that he can shift stuff around and wait another hour. Alexis is happy, but still refuses to show Harvey her boobs.
Henry comes down to get Daniel to sign off on his recipe, and Betty explains that he's giving Cameron a drink. Just then, Cameron comes out and trashes the set, and whoa! Put down the guitar, baby girl! As she's hauled off by Security, she yells that she's America's sweetheart and wonders why nobody's taking her picture.
Sheila says that Amanda is never going to come through with What's Hot, and wonders if they can pad the quick and easy styling tips. Amanda and her footless thigh-high tights burst in to introduce January's issue of what's hot. No one is impressed with her pizza delivery chic. Sheila says that she knew Fey Sommers, worked with Fey Sommers, and once made out with Fey Sommers. And Amanda is no Fey Sommers. She tells Amanda that she thinks it's time she went back to the phones. Amanda looks heartbroken, and since the nearest available garment has marinara all over it, her tear-wiping options are pretty limited.
In the hallway, Betty confronts Daniel and asks in what world giving an alcoholic a bottle of vodka is a good idea. Daniel answers, "My father's world. But not mine." Turns out he couldn't give Cameron the drink after all, and that she didn't take it so well. Betty thinks this is great, but Daniel realizes that he effed up their cover and says that he's no Bradford Meade. Betty says that maybe that's a good thing, and that now he has a blank slate and can stop thinking about what Bradford Meade would do. Something about this strikes him, and he cryptically says that he may have found their cover as we head to commercials.
When we return, Daniel unveils his cover brainchild. It's completely black but for the Mode logo at the top of the page. Everyone seems confused until Daniel says that it's a foldout, and opens it to reveal the words, "In memoriam, Bradford Meade." He gets a round of applause. Sheila compliments him on his work producing a big bold cover, and says that issue 412 is ready to ship. Daniel says that it's issue 001, and that after nearly forty years, it's time for a new legacy. Sheila doesn't care what the number is, as long as they can get this bitch out. Daniel thanks Betty for the blank slate idea, and asks if she's sure she doesn't want to come back. Betty says she can't, since her mother would never approve of the person she was becoming at Mode. She says that she was changing, and Daniel tells her that she was growing up. No matter what you do for a living, there will be tough choices to make. Daniel thinks that Betty can stay and still be a person her mother would be proud of. Betty cries.
In a less touching familial-relations story, Wili visits with her dad. He's sorry to hear about Bradford. She says she's devastated, and then without missing a beat adds that she's moving on with her life and starting a new magazine. She needs seed money, and offers him a good deal for profits. Her father asks what ever happened to Wanda, and Wili says that she's still there, but prettier. Dad isn't so sure, given that she buried her fiancé twelve hours ago and is trying to wheel and deal. Wili thinks it's rich that he's giving her a lecture on compassion, and says that they might as well forget that this is a daughter talking to a father, because they both forgot about that years ago. The bottom line is that he'll make a fortune off the magazine. The Senator apologizes, but says he's not interested in investing in the world that turned Wili into "this." Well then, I guess he's also not investing in father/child relationships. He walks out, Wili calling after him.
Christina, meanwhile, finds Amanda in the Secret Love Dungeon, consoling herself with shoes. She says that she didn't inherit the fashion gene from her mom, who was all instinct and did everything so effortlessly. Christina tells her that she worked with Fey: nothing came effortlessly to Fey, and she would sweat like a fishmonger to boot. Amanda wonders with despair if she's going to have to work hard, and Christina notes that just because she didn't inherit Fey's talent doesn't mean that she's not Fey's daughter. She brings up her own mother, who was all thumbs. Fortunately, Christina's father liked to design gowns, and wear them. I love our glimpses into Christina's past, which also make me wonder what her former-and-possibly-current ne'er-do-well husband is up to. Amanda says that Christina's story doesn't help her, because Amanda doesn't know what her father's talents are. She doesn't even know who he is. As she gazes at her wall of Studio 54 patrons from the fateful night of her conception, Christina says that's all the more reason to keep looking. Oh, please let it be Tom Selleck! That feels so much more right than Dustin Hoffman or Ricardo Montalban.
As Betty gazes upon the Mode cover, Subconscious Manifestation Of Her Guilt Bradford says he likes it, and never would have thought of it. Betty tells him he's no Daniel Meade. Now that Betty's guilt-free, she doesn't need Bradford anymore, so he wonders where she's going to send him. He's dressed for somewhere tropical, and Betty tells him he deserves a rest. She asks if she'll ever see him again, and Bradford says that's up to her. Future cameos with marginally more likable Bradford! Yay!
At Casa de Suarez, Betty has outfitted the living room with a pink tree, and hands Justin some tinsel. Ignacio says that they can't afford two trees, but Betty says that it's her treat, since she took her job back. Hilda asks about the tradition thing, and Betty says that their mom made a great tree, but that it's okay to shake it up and do it their way. And they'll always have the angel to honor her. Ignacio places it atop the pink tree, which even Hilda has to acknowledge is pretty ugly. Betty says that maybe year they can try something different. Stay tuned for Season 3 Episode 9, when the Suarez family celebrates Kwanzaa. Fade to black (and not in a punny way).