Previously: Betty accidentally heard Wili and her bodyguard bumping pretties, but Wili bought her silence with a promise to get Ignacio his citizenship. Claire and her BFF/fellow prison escapee Yoga hatched a plan to head to Italy after seeing Wili, Bradford, and the kids looking like a happy family from afar. Wili's nuptials to Bradford were first halted when Betty arrived and told Daniel about her affair, and then halted again when Daniel told Bradford about the affair, and then halted for good when Bradford had a heart attack. I'm surprised a bird didn't fly into St. Patrick's and poop on Wili's Vera Wang, the way her luck's been going.
We begin with Suzuki St. Pierre on Fashion TV, telling us that there's no news on Bradford's condition, but there's plenty of gossip and innuendo. Cut to the hospital, where Betty bumps into Alexis, who tells her that Bradford had a massive heart attack and is still unconscious. Daniel calls Alexis in to talk to the doctor, and then walks right by Betty to thank some anonymous staffer for being there. Douché! Betty tells Christina that Daniel hates her, and that she's really fired. The only thing left to do is clean out her desk.
Cut to Mode, where we meet Mo'Nique, a.k.a. LaManda, the weekend security officer. I half expect her to call Betty "Buckwild" and make her put on some knee socks. LaManda is apparently already intimately familiar with Henry, and a lot of that familiarity has taken place in her naughty dreams. Betty says Henry is her boyfriend, but this does not prevent LaManda from saying that she likes to call Henry "Sugar Stick" and wants to lick him. She asks if Betty does the same, and Betty acknowledges that they kiss...and do other things. Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee no mental visuals! Betty tells LaManda that she was fired and is there to clean out her desk. Sugar Stick doesn't know yet, and LaManda thinks that she might have a shot, because a man likes a woman with a job. "Henry and LaManda" has a certain "Joanie Loves Chachi" ring to it, doesn't it?
At her desk, Betty comes face to face with her Guadalajara poncho-wearing former self, and wonders if she's dead. She's not; this is just an opportunity to interface with Betty from the past. Past Betty -- who's like the Cathy to Betty's Patty Duke, but with better split-screen technology and worse hair -- wants to know if Present Betty is running the magazine yet. It pains Present Betty to admit that she's been disgraced and fired. Past Betty can't believe that Present Betty both broke into an apartment to steal something and lied to Daniel, and says she barely recognizes her except for the braces. And, one might suppose, the eyebrows. Present Betty says that she hasn't changed, but Past Betty tells her she can't imagine doing the things they're doing, because they're not that kind of girl. She says that if it's so hard to be a good person at Mode, then maybe it's good that they're leaving. Christina enters, and Past Betty disappears, thank goodness. Christina acknowledges that it's hard not to change when you work at Mode, and that the place does something to you. My work environment does something to me, which is put me in a catatonic state of boredom that is only surmounted by a twice-daily trip to the vending machine. Oh Twix, my chocolatey caramel-filled cookie crunch savior.
At the hospital, Amanda and Marc wonder why it's always sadder when tragedy strikes hot people. They munch popcorn as they watch Daniel try to oust Wilhelmina from the area, saying that intensive care is for family members, which Wilhelmina is not, since she and Bradford are still unhitched. Wili engages in some spin control by telling the onlookers that she caught Daniel poking around in the morphine drawer. That part is actually probably true. Marc ushers Wili out, happy to be playing even a minor role in the drama.
At Casa de Suarez, Justin is glued to Fashion TV's coverage of the Meade crisis. Ignacio wants to check on the football score, but Justin notes that since Bradford's in the hospital, football is probably cancelled anyway. When Betty enters, she learns that Bradford is still unconscious, and has to acknowledge that she's been fired. Ignacio wants to call Daniel and tell him the reasons Betty didn't tell him about Wili's affair, but Betty says that it might all be for the best anyway. Hilda's sisterly advice is that Betty go to the gym and get smoking-hot; then when Daniel sees her , he'll be begging her to come back. That would also probably bring about the Daniel/Betty in love scenario that some have vehemently hoped for, and some have vehemently gagged at the prospect of. Betty still feels awful that she's changed into a less virtuous person, and especially feels bad about lying to Daniel when she's the only person he trusted. She heads up to her room and opens her closet, where she finds...Claire Meade of course! Yoga is in Betty's bed, and hijinx are bound to ensue. Commercials.
When we return, Betty is quite surprised that Mrs. Meade is (a) alive and (b) in Betty's bedroom, and also quite scared of Yoga. Claire tells Betty that she's leaving the country tonight, but needs a favor. Betty hesitates to aid and abet a known felon, and offers Claire a hat instead. Claire explains that the favor is for her children. Yoga interjects that they'll be okay, since they're white, but Claire ignores her. Can these two please get their own spin-off? Claire needs to find out whether Bradford's changed his will to leave the company to Wili. She can't frolic on the Italian countryside without knowing that her children are taken care of, and tells Betty that the will is in Bradford's office. Betty says that this is exactly the type of thing she needs to stop doing, and Claire wonders why Betty would stop helping people she cares about. Betty reluctantly agrees, saying that she owes Daniel this. In my opinion, she owes Daniel negative 400 things, but her innate goodness just can't be contained.
Meanwhile, Marc and Wili ride in their limo, Wili lamenting the fact that she is in limbo. Marc knows that Wili hates the limbo and electric slide and any other forced party dancing, and commiserates. If she had walked in the office on Monday as Mrs. Bradford Meade, she'd own half the company, but without a ring on her finger, she doesn't know where she stands. She knows that Bradford changed his will, but needs to know what's in it before she can plot her move. For all she knows, he could have decided to leave everything to, shudder, charity. Marc wants to find this Charity person and kill her, but Wili will settle for getting their hands on the will.
Cut to Mode, where LaManda stops Betty in her tracks, saying she's been notified that Betty's no longer an employee. The fact that Betty told LaManda this herself has no bearing on the situation, and we all learn the lesson that you don't want to mess with the weekend security. Take that, Schatar.
At the hospital, Daniel and Amanda have a moment by the vending machine. Daniel confesses that he never told Bradford he loves him. Amanda asks whether Daniel does love Bradford, and Daniel chokes up when he admits that he does, but that they just weren't one of those families who said so. Amanda tells Daniel that he may not have gotten Bradford's love or approval, but he did get his jawline. Hopefully not his hairline, though. Amanda says that Bradford is right upstairs, and that Daniel can still go tell him anything he wants to. She puts her hand on Daniel's, and he lets out a big sigh.
Back at Mode, Henry walks in. LaManda tells him he just missed his girlfriend. Henry, in the mode of a cool character, says he doesn't know how many times he has to tell Betty that's not the way he rolls. He's sweet like sugar and soft like suede, but unlike a piano, he never gets played. HA! LaManda wants to play Henry like Stevie Wonder plays a baby grand. She asks where Henry has been all her life, and he says, "...Math camp." All this time, of course, Betty is sneaking in the office. Henry! Using his masculine wiles!
At Casa de Suarez, Ignacio hears a noise and goes up to Betty's room, where he finds Yoga. She says that she's from the cable company. This dumb cover leads Claire to reveal herself, and ask how many homes Yoga broke into before she got caught. They bicker until Claire shakes Ignacio's hand and tells him it's nice to see him again. Can these two PLEASE go on the all-fictional-characters season of The Amazing Race? They would totally beat down George and Izzie, not to mention Charlie Sheen and his brother or gay lover or whatever the other guy on that show is.
At Mode, Henry and Betty have made it to the executive floor. They do some cute mild couple-y bickering, which is not nearly as cute as Claire and Yoga's medium-to-severe couple-y bickering. As they smooch, the door behind them opens to reveal Wili and Marc already in Bradford's office. Wili quips, "If I ate lunch, now would be the time to lose it," and we head to commercials.
When we return, all four will hunters make like they're looking for a memento to remember their dying fiancé/girlfriend's boss's dying father by. They pace the floor in an intricate dance of intrigue, opening drawers and looking behind filing cabinets, until Wili says she can't bear another minute in the room with Tweedledee and Tweedlediego. She proposes that they all agree to find the will, read it together, wash their hands, and go on with their lives. Wili asks Betty whether she thinks Wili enjoys scheming, lying, and scurrying around like some rat with great cheekbones. Betty thinks she does, and Wili says maybe she does, a little. But she's tired of the drama. Betty announces that the will is in the wall safe, and that she has the combination. Written on her palm in ballpoint pen, of course. I'm surprise there's not a telltale smudge on her brow already.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Ignacio expresses concern over what Betty's doing to help Claire. Claire says that Betty's doing it for Daniel, and Ignacio is surprised about this given the way Daniel treated her. He's just about to tell Claire and Yoga about Daniel's finkdom when Hilda bursts in the room. Claire and Yoga hide. Well, okay, Yoga just puts Betty's stuffed bunny in front of her face, and upon discovery says she's the exterminator. Claire pops up and tells Yoga she's the worst fugitive in the world. But she still lets her live in her soul and drink of her wine. Hilda is shocked.
In the executive office, the Fantastic Four get ready to read the will, and agree to respect Bradford's wishes. Wili says she just wants to be done there and go back to mourning her late husband, and Henry has to remind her that Bradford isn't dead yet, and that they're not technically married. Henry gets his second warning, and Marc tells him people don't get to three. Betty opens the safe, and Marc exclaims, "Al Capone's vault! It's empty." Wili simply says, "Balls."
At Casa de Suarez, Claire and Yoga talk about their plan to go to Italy. They give Hilda and Ignacio their fake passports for inspection, and Hilda asks if they're out of their minds. Yoga kind of looks like the picture on her fake passport, but Claire doesn't, and she's also Claire Meade, of the "your picture is freakin' everywhere" Meades. Hilda tells Claire that if she wants to be Maria Elena Sandone, she has to look like Maria Elena Sandone. Claire says that she hasn't had time for a makeover, leading Hilda hilariously to reply, "Lady Fugitive, you have come to the right place."
Back at the vault, Wili curses Bradford for being so paranoid and making everything so secret. Yeah, how silly of him to think that people might go digging for his will with nefarious purposes in mind. At the word "secret," Marc and Betty both get a light bulb above their heads. Yes, the Secret Love Dungeon. Henry and Wili have no idea what's going on. Marc tells Betty that she has something on her glasses, and then tosses them to the floor. The oldest trick in the book to beat up a nerd! For shame. He gives Henry a firm push, and grabs Wili, the Curly to his Moe. They run off and lock Henry and Betty in the office as we head to commercials.
When we return, Claire makes a pretty good Maria Elena Sandone, and Yoga notes that Hilda could do a lot of business in the escapee community. Hilda is proud. Ignacio, meanwhile, is fixated on the fact that Claire looks like Chita Rivera. At least he didn't say Rita Moreno, since that would be like weird show incest.
At the hospital, meanwhile, Alexis is by Bradford's side, telling him that he doesn't have to fight, that she loves him, and that if he's ready, he can go. Daniel walks in, and the two start arguing over whether Bradford should go to the light or not. Amidst this familiar sound, Bradford wakes up, to the delight of his kids.
Back at Mode, Henry is quite surprised to learn that Fey had a Secret Love Dungeon, and that practically everyone knows about it except for him. Betty tries calling LaManda to get them out of Bradford's office, but LaManda's rocking out to some sultry babymaking R&B on her headphones and doesn't hear. Henry has the genius idea that they should escape through the heating system, and starts climbing to the ceiling.
Meanwhile, in the Secret Love Dungeon, Wili can't believe that Bradford was into all the dungeon-iness and never invited her down there. She takes a crack with a whip and likes it a little too much. Marc had better watch out. Speaking of Marc: he finds the will, which declares that Wili is entitled to share Bradford's estate, including Meade Publications, upon the pronouncement of their marriage. Marc thinks that they're sunk, and that he's going to have to go back to dancing in a cage in his underwear. That sounds like good news for the rest of us. Wili, always scheming, thinks that there still might be a way for her legally to become Mrs. Bradford Meade. Marc asks if there's water boiling underneath her, because he smells a plan brewing.
Henry leads Betty through the heating vent system with rebel verve. Betty is hot and sweaty and wants to give up, so Henry tells her to tap into her inner action hero. She notes that Mexicans don't have action heroes; they have a speedy little mouse. And there's no way that sombrero would fit in the air ducts. They come to an opening, and Henry calculates that they should be in another room. His calculations are pretty bad for all those years spent at math camp, though, and he drops right behind LaManda. She praises the lord and grabs him as we head to commercials.
When we return, Henry chats up LaManda in a serious way so that Betty can escape. When Betty makes a noise from above, LaManda looks up, and Henry has to grab her and plant one on her. Betty exits the building, and Henry finally gets to pull away, telling LaManda that he's a dog and will break her heart, and that they must never speak of this again. LaManda likes dogs. Henry runs away.
Back at the hospital, Daniel and Bradford have a little bedside chat. Daniel has something he wants to say to Bradford, and it's hard for him, because when they talk, they don't really talk, and he doesn't know why. And then Daniel says, "You're gonna be okay." A knowing look flickers on Bradford's face, and I'll bet he feels at least a little bad for raising such emotionally retarded children. Daniel leaves the room under the pretense of telling the doctor that Bradford's awake. Once he's out the door, Bradford says, "I love you too, son." Oooooh.
At Mode, Betty has found the will. She calls Claire to let her know that Daniel and Alexis are okay. Claire says that she will never forget this. Henry wants to hightail it out of the building for fear of LaManda, but Betty wants to write a strongly worded note to that jerk Marc. This could take a while.
At Casa de Suarez, Claire and Yoga prepare to leave in peace. Yoga is thankful, since crossing the Atlantic would be a bitch if Claire were in one of her moods. Claire asks whether Yoga has the travel Scrabble. She does. Funny, I picture Yoga being more of a travel Connect Four enthusiast. Before they're out the door, Justin -- the only Suarez family member not in on the fugitive hoarding -- comes to ask Hilda if he can watch dinner in front of the TV, since there's going to be an interview with Christina Aguilera about the Meade wedding, and he's a real Ag-hag. He notes that the made-over Claire looks familiar, but he can't quite place the face. Once he gets Hilda's permission to watch TV, he kisses her and tells her he loves her. Claire realizes that she can't leave the country without seeing her children. She asks Ignacio to take her to the hospital. Yoga tells her not to do it, because if she walks in there, she'll get caught. Claire tells her to wait there, because they are going to Italy. However, if she's not back by 8, Yoga should go without her. Yoga promises she will, and the two shake hands and hug. Like, a meaningful hug, full of doleful looks. Something tells me the Hamptons caught a case of lady-loving jungle fever recently.
Back at Mode, Betty has finished her letter to Marc, which ends, "In conclusion, you are a weenie." Henry marvels that Betty is taking a writing class, but she defends the repetition of her thesis as a sound literary technique. As she puts the note on Marc's keyboard, his computer pops to life, and Betty discovers that Marc has been internet-ordained to perform weddings. Velma and Shaggy give a big ruh-roh as we head to commercials.
When we return, Alexis and Daniel talk to the doctor, who says that if Bradford continues to improve during the night, they can perform surgery the day. They're pleased, and marvel at how strong Bradford is, even if he never took them on his stellar-sounding vacations. Ignacio enters and asks Daniel and Alexis to come with him, saying that it's about their mother.
Wili and Marc, meanwhile, re-enter the ICU. Wili is still in her wedding gown, I may add, plus a fur coat, like she's straight out of a Sheila E. video. She tells Marc to find a witness, and enters Bradford's room, calling him her darling and saying she's happy he's awake. She announces her wonderful news: the two of them can still get married. Bradford, even from beneath his oxygen tube, doesn't necessarily seem like he thinks this is wonderful news at all.
In the hospital elevator, Alexis and Daniel meet the made-over Claire. She tells them that she's leaving tonight, and Alexis begs her to stay. Claire can't live life on the lam, and says that the authorities will give up looking for her eventually and they can all meet up somewhere. She tells Daniel and Alexis that they need each other, and that they're all they have. She adds that she's there because of Betty and her family, and that Daniel needs to know why Betty didn't tell her about Wili's affair.
Cut to Bradford's room, where Marc is attempting to perform the wedding ceremony to a cell phone-ring "Here Comes the Bride." Bradford announces that Daniel told him about Wili's affair. Wili says that's ridiculous, but Bradford says he needs her to look him in the eye and say she didn't do it. Wili looks at him, gives a very wooden "I never slept with him," and grimaces. Oh come on! She's faked countless numbers of orgasms and managed to keep her past ugly self a secret; don't tell me she can't get this one over on him. Bradford knows that Wilhelmina never loved him, and tells her to get out of there, because he wants to see his family. He gives a consumptive cough, which doesn't bode well. On their way out, Marc pushes an orderly, just because he can. Marc has the greatest life.
Betty comes running in and rushes into Bradford's room, learning with relief that he didn't marry Wili. Bradford says that he was a silly old fool, and that Wili never loved him. The only person who ever really loved him was Claire. Sometimes it takes a medical emergency to make a person realize how dumb he's been. He asks rhetorically why he's telling Betty this, and Betty asks if he'd like to tell Claire himself. She calls her up on her cell phone, and is pretty surprised to learn that Claire is in the hospital elevator.
Cut to Claire hanging up her phone. Daniel tells her that she can't be serious, but Claire says that she's doing this -- she'd rather spend the rest of her life in jail than give up the chance to see her husband one last time. Alexis offers to walk her in, but Claire says that she has to do it alone. She also doesn't want Bradford to see her all Maria Elena-ed up, so she rips off her wig and the cheap jewelry that Hilda let her borrow. Photogs snap Claire's picture as she walks into Bradford's room. Bradford tells her that he's sorry, and has some more consumptive coughs. Claire tells him not to talk, because they can just sit there. She says that as she was waiting to walk down the aisle on their wedding day, she thought to herself, "Someday that son of a bitch is going to break my heart." Bradford says he did, and Claire replies that she'd take that walk again tomorrow if he could promise her another thirty-five years. Awww. Judith Light is the greatest. Bradford tells Claire that he's never loved anyone more than he loved her, and she thanks him for giving her the greatest life. I guess when someone is on his deathbed, you don't want to bring up how his years-long affair drove you to alcoholism and murder. Bygones and all.
Daniel approaches Henry and Betty in the waiting room, and Henry leaves to give them a minute alone. Daniel knows why Betty couldn't tell him about Wili's affair, and Betty says that all she wants is for Daniel to know that she's on his side, always. Daniel knows, and says that he just felt betrayed. He asks Betty to come back to work at Mode. That means a lot to Betty, but she sees Past Betty in her Guadalajara poncho, and says she can't. Her year at Mode opened up a whole different world for her and totally changed her life, but perhaps too much. She's changing into someone she doesn't want to be, and has to leave. Daniel tells Betty that it's her life, and that she should do what she has to do. She hugs him, and gives her past self a thumbs up. Isn't this, like, the fifth time she's quit or been fired?
This tender moment is ruined by the police, as so many are. They drag Claire out in handcuffs. Alexis and Daniel follow, and Daniel asks Betty to stay with Bradford. She goes into his room, and Bradford asks her to take care of Daniel, because Bradford won't be there. Betty says that Bradford will be fine, but he knows that's not true. He tells Betty that he had a feeling about her when she first walked into Mode, and that she is the only one who has ever been able to keep Daniel on his path. Daniel would be lost without Betty, Bradford says, before giving a final consumptive cough and asking for water. Betty heads to the sink, and when she returns, Bradford is gone. I mean, not "escaped from the hospital" gone. "Flatline dead" gone. Ooh. In a weird way, I'm going to miss the old coot.
The Suarez house learns of Bradford's passing and Claire's capture on Fashion TV. The reporter notes that Claire said her fellow fugitive, Yoga, died from injuries sustained during the escape. Yoga has a serious look on her face, and two seconds later, she is gone. As Bono sings "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," Claire is hauled back to the clink, Betty puts a supportive hand on Daniel's shoulder, and we fade to black. But only for a millisecond! Lest you think Wili has been defeated for good and turned into a puddle on the floor, she's ready to bribe the young doctor fresh out of medical school who's watching over Bradford's dead body. To what end, I'm not quite sure, but I'm willing to bet it's not a good one. Mwah ha ha!
week: a hostile takeover! Lots of orange! And an evil plan that can only be thwarted by our plucky heroine. Make that another evil plan that can only be thwarted by our plucky heroine.