Previously on Ugly Betty: Wili and her bodyguard were up to some extracurricular activities, which Betty inadvertently witnessed. Wili bought Betty's silence with a promise to get Ignacio citizenship, which left Betty feeling guilty. Christina got a text message from her estranged (and possibly strange) secret Scottish husband. Marc's embarrassment about his new schlumpy boyfriend Cliff subsided when he realized he could lose him and end up sad and alone like Wili. When her daughter bailed on her maid-of-honor duties, Wili recruited Victoria "Posh" Beckham nee Spice for the job. And, finally, after a season and a half of waiting, Betty and Henry did the nasty, and everyone agreed it was best for father Ignacio not to know.
We enter the episode with Justin riveted to Fashion TV and its countdown to the Bradhelmina wedding. Wooo! Ignacio pops up to try to tempt Betty with breakfast, but she, from beneath her cover, declines. And woah! It's actually Hilda, who has to fire-escape it back to her room to greet Ignacio and hear the breakfast menu, and then back again when Ignacio hits upon the idea of getting Betty out of her alleged Henry-related depression with some Canadian bacon. Mmm, Canadian bacon. Yet another piece of evidence that our neighbors to the north are vastly superior. Unfortunately, Ignacio catches actual Betty hoisting herself through her bedroom window. Busted!
At Mode, Marc is in full-on crazy-assistant mode getting ready for Wili's wedding. Cliff enters, and Marc continues to freak out, noting that, among other things, the cake's not ready, and Wilhelmina said that if there was any baby's breath in the floral arrangements, she'd sand off his nipples. Cliff doesn't know whether to focus on the cake or the nipples. Why choose, I always say. Cliff asks if Marc knows where his brown blazer is, because he's planning on wearing it to the wedding. Marc is appalled that Cliff would wear a corduroy thing held together by cat hair and ketchup stains to an event so fancy that Armani is wearing Prada. Cliff says nobody will notice, particularly since Marc has Rosie O'Donnell seated with Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I imagine the table is rounded out by the Trumps, Rick Santorum, Angela Davis, and Dog The Bounty Hunter. Marc acquiesces on the blazer and says it's who Cliff is, and the sooner he accepts that Cliff's a messy Bessie, the better off he'll be. Hey, there's nothing wrong with sending the boyfriend to Tim Gunn for a little tutorial. Sometimes enforcing a commitment to grooming is the only real way to show your love.
Meanwhile, Bradford and Alexis are celebrating when Daniel walks in. Turns out the folks in ad sales are very happy. Daniel thinks this is because of him almost boning Phil Donahue's wife, and gets all proud for a minute, but in actuality, Alexis has brought in Louis Vuitton and a host of other high-end advertisers. Daniel's almost lady-love, by contrast, took out an eighth-of-a-page ad in the March issue. Awwww. Feeing good, Bradford asks Alexis if she'd consider standing up with him at his wedding. Yes, he wants her to be his best man, a position heretofore occupied by Daniel, who went so far as to throw Bradford a bachelor party at Scores. The only thing worse than Bradford's old-people sex with Wili is Bradford's old-people lap dance from a stripper named Cheyenne. Eeesh. Daniel gets pouty, and says that Alexis might as well stand in for Bradford. If she doesn't, he says, it might very well kill Bradford, and Alexis wouldn't want that. Oooh, low blow, bringing up the time your sister who was formerly your brother had someone cut your dad's brakes.
And then it's Posh! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! She's on Fashion TV, primping and preening. Wili says to the TV, and to Marc, "All right with the posing and the waving. We all know you're strong enough to raise your arm." Wili's angry enough that Posh is stealing her thunder, and Posh makes things worse by telling interviewers that Wili's like a second mum. Marc tries to convince Wili that Posh means she's a second delicate flower, but Wili flips when Posh starts hawking the new Beckham 24/7 energy drink at the wedding interview. That's SO Posh! Marc reminds Wili that the only reason she's doing all of this is so she can destroy Mode and start her own mag, but she notes with frustration that even that's off track. Marc, ever faithful, tells her that once she takes over the whole company, the magazine will go down faster than a crack whore at a prison rodeo. Wili doesn't know what that means, but like Miss Jackson, seems pleased that it sounds nasty.
While Posh glamorously feeds the ducks at Central Park on TV, Betty confronts an angry Ignacio. She says that she loves Henry and has never felt this way before, but he tells her she's acting like a silly thirteen-year-old girl. He says Henry is going to leave, and Betty will have her heart broken, then tells her that she's never going to see Henry again. Betty says that she's twenty-three, and Ignacio can't tell her who she can date. He counters that he can if she lives in this house. Parental-disapproval confrontations are always so clichéd. Betty says that maybe she shouldn't be living in this house, and Ignacio points her to the door. If she's still living in her parents' house at the age of twenty-three, I think she knows where the door is.
As Fashion TV announces that Mayor Bloomberg gave Posh the key to the city, Betty starts packing. Hilda tries to calm her down, but Betty says that she's sick of being the responsible one, and she never even thought she'd get a chance of real love. Honey, just get a good waxer, and you'll turn that attitude around. Betty says this might be it for her, and asks if she doesn't deserve to do something a little crazy, just once. As Betty drags her suitcase down the stairs, Fashion TV announces that after Posh rang the opening bell, the Dow soared to an all-time high. Hee! I love the little Posh bits all through the episode. Hilda reminds Betty that Ignacio's citizenship ceremony is on Saturday, and Betty lets loose with the fact that it was all thanks to her. She confesses to Hilda that she made a dirty deal with Wili to get Ignacio back in the country, and that she betrayed Daniel in the process. An angry Betty warns Hilda not to tell, saying she doesn't want Ignacio to know she did anything for him. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, Amanda laments the fact that her fifteen minutes of fame as Fey Sommers's daughter are almost up, and she and her PR Bitch Marc have done nothing about them. They'd talked about an Amanda doll, a singing career, and rehab -- big dreams, but not yet realized. Marc says once he's through with Wili, he'll focus on her. Amanda says he'd better, or she'll twist his nipples off with a wrench. Marc asks, "Why the sudden interest in my boys?" Nipples are the new ass-flaps. As he leaves to tend to Wili, a handsome man with a Scottish brogue approaches the reception desk. Amanda notes that he talks just like someone she knows, but she can't remember who.
Cut to the very Scottish Christina, who's getting the brunt of Betty's venting about Ignacio. She catches a glimpse of Scottish brogue man and hauls Betty into Fey's Secret Love Dungeon. Ah, yes, we always knew this moment would come, didn't we? Betty is quite surprised to learn a) that there's a Secret Love Dungeon; b) that the man outside is Christina's secret Scottish husband; c) that Christina had a secret Scottish husband. The secret sex room and secret husband pretty much trump Betty's dad thing, and she knows it. Christina explains that she hasn't seen her husband Stuart for five years, ever since she told him she was going to the pet store to get dog food and just kept going. Betty can't believe that Christina had a dog, too. She notes that he did track Christina down, and asks if she isn't curious as to why. Christina blows her bangs, but literally, and not in the way she usually blows her bangs.
Meanwhile, Vera Wang! And Marc! And lots of assistants! Wili emerges in her wedding dress, leading Marc to say, "Be still my flaming heart," and Vera Wang to give herself kudos. While Wili makes a remark about her train, Posh emerges from her fitting area announcing, "This is major!" and knocking everyone out with her perfection. Vera announces that she has a new muse, and everyone deserts Wili to fawn over Posh. Posh asks if it's really okay, and Vera tells her it's Booty Bop-worthy. Wili drags Marc away from Posh's orange grapefruit boobs, and he notes that Posh made him feel tingly where no girl has ever made him feel tingly before. That is perhaps her greatest gift to humanity. Wili claws her way over to Posh, sends Vera on her way, and turns Posh's knockout dress into a dowdy bowed frock the likes of which Chloe Sevigny would be proud to wear. In other words: it's bad, and that's just the way Wili wants it.
Betty and Daniel, meanwhile, have a conversation in which each talks over the other -- Betty complaining about Ignacio's intolerance of her relationship with Henry, and Daniel complaining about how unvalued he is by Bradford. They say in unison, "I'm not going." Daniel isn't going to Bradford's wedding, and Betty isn't going to Ignacio's citizenship ceremony. They feel great about having each other as a confidante to non-talk to. When she goes back to her desk, Betty encounters Henry. He says Hilda called and told him what happened. He also says that Betty isn't staying with Christina -- she's staying with him. All the better to have lots of fantasy Broadway-character role-playing lovin', I would say. I wonder how long it will take them to get to Abner and Daisy Mae. Jubilation T. Cornpone, indeed.
In the closet, Christina and Stuart are sitting side by side. She asks what he wants, and he says he wants to say he's sorry that he wasn't a good husband. He's certainly a cute one, though. Christina taking off was the kick he needed to get himself some help, but part of his getting better is making amends to those he harmed. Oh, he's a twelve-stepper. Well, aren't we all. Christina says she's sorry she ran off from him, but she guesses it was easier to put money aside for two years, hide in a neighbor's barn, then wait at the airport for four days to get a standby ticket to New York than it was to talk to her husband. He gets it, and they both smile. He asks if they can ever be friends again and rests a hand on hers. She looks compelled, but uneasy.
Henry and Betty, meanwhile, are having some awkward moving-in times. Well, awkward on Betty's part. He gives her a key and a drawer and a glass, and she gives him high levels of weirdness, saying it feels different. Henry thinks it feels nice, and is glad that they don't have to hide anymore. They can be a real, nerdy couple. They can plan Christmas, they say, which leads to a small argument about where the Christmas tree should be placed. Valentine's Day goes more smoothly, and then Betty says that she also heard Hall and Oates are going to be in town in April. Cue long face from Henry. Because, you know, April, come she will. And Henry will be back in Tucson. Hey! I'll go to the concert! Like the flame that burns the candle, the candle feeds my love of Hall and Oates. I've got a bad reputation, what I need is adult education. Woah-oh-here I come. Etc. Betty apologizes for her awkwardness and goes to unpack her toothbrush in the bathroom, realizing only after she closes the door that it's the closet. They both look really sad on their respective sides of the closet door as we head to commercials.
When we return, Wili awakens in silk sheets and a glamorous negligee, turns to the person to her, and says it's bad luck to see the bride on her wedding day. And then hunky bodyguard Dwayne/real-life ex-husband Rick Fox coos, "Not for the bodyguard." He asks if she'll need some protection for her honeymoon. I don't think excessive Botox preserves the ovaries, but that was considerate. Wili tells sweet horny Dwayne to beat it, because "Mama's weave can't get sweaty on her big day." You know she stole that line from Tyra. Dwayne asks if he can at least take a shower, and Wili tells him not to use the good shampoo. Then, she orders room service. She flips on Fashion TV, which is a mistake, as she hears how Posh went out on the town in her bridesmaid's gown and is totally upstaging Wili yet again. Not even the afterglow can soften Wili's glower.
Ignacio, meanwhile, is deciding whether to wear a flag tie or flag pin to his citizenship ceremony. Justin swears that if Ignacio wears the flag tie, he'll leave the country. Ignacio can't believe that Betty didn't even call on his big day. She disrespected him, and all he wanted to do is protect her. He says that Betty is selfish, and Hilda counters that he has no idea what Betty has done for him.
Cut to a post-coital Christina and Stuart in the Secret Love Dungeon. Man, do I wish I had a Secret Love Dungeon at work sometimes. But really, I'd probably mostly use it for naps. And I'd keep my secret Peanut Butter Cup stash there. It would be the perfect place, because it's not too far away, but not too convenient. Christina tells Stuart that their lovefest was a mild improvement over their past relations, given that he didn't pass out drunk midway through. Stuart says he missed Christina, and she admits to missing him a wee bit, saying that she'd forgotten about Good Stuart. He goes to the bathroom and she smells his shirt, then notices a syringe in his backpack. The role of Stuart will heretofore be played by Pete Doherty. Or Amy Winehouse, though then, everyone would get all down about how love is a losing game.
Meanwhile, Betty and Henry are awoken by her cell. It's a texted picture of Ignacio. I must note that their sleepwear is quite different from Wili and Dwayne's, though I'm sure it didn't stop the sexual healing one bit. Betty doesn't even care that Henry may have morning breath, so excited is she to have a Saturday together in Manhattan. She proposes that they go to breakfast, and then the New York Transit Museum. Henry is really excited at the prospect, but asks if Betty doesn't think she should go to her dad's citizenship ceremony. She holds firm, saying she wants to do something crazy and fun. "New York Transit Museum it is," says Henry. Those two really were meant for each other.
Back at El Suite de Whoring Around, Wili answers her door to find Daniel instead of room service. He wants to see Bradford, but Wili tells him they got separate suites. Daniel hands Wili a small box, which I guess has cuff links or something, and announces he's not going to the wedding. He starts to walk away, but turns when Wili says it's a shame, and she guesses she'll have to do her mother-son dance with Alexis. Wili's inability to let Daniel get away without a barb does her in, as Daniel hears a toilet flush. Wili says it's Posh, and that the Spice Girl can't handle spicy food. Daniel looks suspicious, and Wili closes the door on him. A bit later, Dwayne walks out, and who is slinking around the hallway watching? No, not Betty; she's en route to the Transit Museum. It's Daniel, doing his own dirty work for once! Commercials.
When we return, Betty and Henry head to the office to search for a NY Transit Museum coupon. Like Betty doesn't have one of those handy coupon wallets in her purse. They stop to smooch, and they notice someone slinking around in Wilhelmina's office. It's Daniel. Busted!
Christina, meanwhile, confronts Stuart with the syringe. She starts on a tirade, but he stops her by saying that he's sick. It's his liver -- the drinking finally did him in. The medication is a Band-Aid, and the reason he's in New York is to investigate an experimental treatment. The bad thing is, it's $100,000, and he doesn't have the money. What he does have is six months to live. Christina tells him to stay in New York, and that she doesn't know how, but she's going to get him the money. I hope this isn't some drunken scheme to screw Christina. If it is, I'll find that guy and puncture his liver myself with a number-two pencil.
At this time, Henry is kissing the Wicked mug on Betty's desk. He accidentally triggers her screensaver, and he sees all sorts of pictures of her family, which doubtlessly gets him to thinking. Daniel, meanwhile, is telling Betty all about his suspicions regarding Wili and her bodyguard. When he asks if she heard anything about this, Betty lies that she doesn't know anything, but says that if Daniel is suspicious, he should tell Bradford. Daniel knows that his opinion of Wili is loaded, so he can't go to Bradford without proof. Betty says she wishes there were something she could do. I mean, there is, but she's not doing it. Daniel's plan is to go to the wedding and try to pump the bodyguard for info. Betty says this is a good idea, because the guy seems like a big dummy, and even said something was a "mute point" the other day. Daniel reminds Betty that it was actually him who said that, and that he gets the moot/mute thing now. Betty then has my favorite line of the episode, "Well he's dumb, too." Hee!
And then, it's the big Ebony and Ivory celebration at St. Patrick's Cathedral! Amanda tries to introduce herself everywhere as Fey's daughter, but no one cares. Marc, meanwhile, is fixated on how bad Cliff is going to look. Amanda makes a couple of fat jokes, but when Cliff enters, he's looking shaven and sharp. Amanda says, "Transfatty! More than meets the eye." Marc is proud and boasts to anyone who will listen that Cliff is his boyfriend. Cliff says good-naturedly that he's sweating, his collar is too tight, and his shoes hurt. Marc counters that beauty is pain, and Cliff is hurting him bad. Cliff gives the cutest smile. Yay!
Betty and Henry, meanwhile, end up outside of the court where Ignacio is having his citizenship ceremony. Henry somehow got Betty here without her knowing, despite the fact that she's lived in New York all her life and isn't actually blindfolded. But it's better not to ask questions. She's mad, but Henry tells her that when he leaves, her family is going to be there for her. We fade to commercials with Betty's sad face. Again. But hey, it's either that or some sort of klutzy accident! It's good to mix it up once in a while.
We return to more wedding! Marc gets jealous that Cliff has been talking to a waiter for quite a while. He calls Cliff over, and Cliff has the audacity to give him the one-minute finger. I do hate getting the one-minute finger. It's the second-worst kind of finger you can get.
And then, citizenry! The citizenship ceremony speech is kind of creepy. Hilda looks on proudly, while Justin, watching his phone, yells out, "Gwyneth's wearing white to the wedding? That is such a bitch slap!" But you know who decided not to give a metaphorical bitch slap today? Yep, it's Betty. She shows up, and Ignacio sees her and looks touched.
Back at the wedding, Marc drags Cliff away from the waiter in a jealous fit. Turns out he was a model that Cliff worked with, and they're just friends. Marc says that they're gay and there's no such thing as just friends, and Cliff says that he's a straight waiter/model. He tells Marc he's acting like a baby, and Marc says he's a baby who's been abandoned in a dumpster while mommy discovers her newfound hotness. So he's not quite Shawn Preston or Jayden James, which is good news for his teeth. Marc tells Cliff that it's over and stomps off, but not before smiling for the photos. Amanda gives Cliff the hand of all hands -- like, a Beyonce hand, because Cliff must not know 'bout Marc -- and follows Marc.
Meanwhile, Daniel is back at Wili's hotel, trying to get info out of Dwayne, who thinks Daniel's hitting on him. Daniel goes to pull out a blank check, then realizes he left his checkbook on his dresser. Classic. Wili comes out to witness this meeting of the minds. She tells Daniel that even if she were enjoying the company of this tall glass of chocolate milk, he has no proof. She snaps her fingers, and Dwayne follows her inside the suite. This leaves Daniel frustrated, and me wishing I had bought some Nestle Quik.
Back at the wedding, Marc laments the fact that Cliff is now the hottest guy in the room and he's not good enough. Amanda tells him that she likes Cliff's new suit, but in reality, he's only 15% hotter. She makes a solid point there. She can't believe that it's happened -- Marc is looking past the outside and seeing what's inside, and thus falling for an average man. Marc momentarily panics about being an average-man-lover, but Amanda tells him to accept it. He's deeper than he thinks, she says, but that's okay, because we all have flaws. Marc says he broke up with Cliff, and Amanda tells him to do something dramatic to show that fatty how much he cares. Or, he can just go talk to him. Marc gives Cliff a big hug, and Cliff, already used to Marc's dramatic side, reciprocates.
Meanwhile, it's a father and child reunion at the citizenship ceremony. Ignacio apologizes for saying such mean things, and Betty apologizes for not telling him about Henry. She admits that she's doing something stupid, and is going to fall apart when Henry leaves. She wants Ignacio to promise that he'll be there to pick her up. Ignacio says he's her father, and where else would he be? Oh, I just got a tear! I'm as bad as Hilda. Betty agrees to return home. Ignacio admits that Hilda told him how Betty got his citizenship approved, and says that she can't betray Daniel for him. Betty tells him that if she tells Daniel about Wili, Wili will do something to mess up his citizenship. Ignacio says he's American now, and to let her try. Huddled masses are yearning to breathe free left and right!
Elsewhere, Wili is ready to get her wedding over with. There's just one problem -- no one can find Posh anywhere. Wili says they'll just have to go on without her and sneaks a look at Dwayne, adding that she hopes Posh is all right. Posh, for her part, is locked in a closet. She yells something like, "'allo! H'anybody h'out there?" If she pounds too hard, she might have to go to 'ospital! "This really is major," she says, and with that we have the end of Posh. MORE POSH!
And then, wedding! Wili marches down the aisle, and Bradford beams with Alexis by his side. Daniel watches from the crowd. The priest starts speaking, and Betty runs in, yelling, "I object!" The priest tells her they haven't gotten to that part yet. Betty gives a very Betty-like, "...Oh," as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty has told Daniel all about Wili and Dwayne. He wants to know more details about how Betty found out, and she admits that she saw them...four months ago. She tries to explain that the reason she waited to tell him about it is really complicated, but Daniel only hears the sound of betrayal from the only person he thought he could trust. He asks how he can ever trust her again, and as she tries to explain again, he says he can't even look at her. He walks away, then turns around and adds, "You're fired." He is such a queen right now, but even more of an ass.
Bradford marches up the aisle and tells Bradford he needs to talk to him. Bradford goes off with Daniel, and Wili says she'll do her part while he's gone. The priest is having none of it. Wili tells Marc to do something, so Marc announces that they'll be treated to a musical selection from Amanda Sommers, daughter of Fey Sommers. Quincy Jones is in the fourth row, and Marc gives Amanda the instruction, "Sing, bitch!" Amanda starts with a lovely, "La la la la la." Marc motions for her to wind it up, which she takes as a sing to start singing Kelis's "Milkshake." Further proof that there's really no wrong time for that song.
In the hallway of truth, Bradford does not believe Daniel and says he'd do anything to poison Bradford and Wili's relationship. Daniel says he isn't making this up, and that Betty saw them together. Bradford asks why Betty isn't there telling him. And to that I say, HA! Ass queen. Daniel says he's the only one willing to be honest with Bradford, and asks him to at least consider the possibility. Bradford is not going to throw his relationship away based on a crazy accusation made by "some assistant." Daniel notes that Bradford is sweating, and conjectures that deep inside he knows this is wrong. Bradford says he's sweating because Daniel is driving his blood pressure up by the minute. Spoiler: Bradford is right. Daniel keeps at it, and Bradford tells him to get out of his way and heads back to the altar.
At the ceremony intermission, incidentally, Amanda appears to be a hit, and even has some organ accompaniment. Bradford returns, and the priest continues with the vows. However, his words are drowned out by the sound of Bradford's heart beating. He looks at Dwayne in the crowd, starts to look a little ashen, then collapses. And then, it's pandemonium! Daniel yells for someone to call 911, while Wili drops to her kneeds, pounds Bradford's chest repeatedly, and yells, "DON'T YOU DIE!" Alexis pulls her off, and Daniel tries to give Bradford CPR as Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" begins. Bradford, it must be said, isn't looking so good. And the whole world, including the entire Suarez family, gets to see it on Fashion TV. All I can say is: Thank God it wasn't Posh.