Previously: Betty met a sandwich guy named Gio, while Marc met zaftig photographer Cliff. At least one of these was a love match. Wili announced that the Meade/Slater wedding was back on, while Bradford berated Daniel about losing advertisers at Mode. Meanwhile, after much ado about paternity, Betty decided to give a relationship with Henry a shot, even though all signs point to doom. She may wear practical shoes, but she certainly does not have a practical heart.
We begin with Betty creeping down the stairs of Casa de Suarez, trying to sneak out. Ignacio catches her and rushes her to the kitchen: this was Hilda's first week at her new salon job, so he's planned a celebration. Betty says she's going to the movies, and Ignacio, assuming that she's going alone, tells her that she needs to be with family and food to get over "this Henry thing." She's trying to get over, under, around and through this Henry thing, if he'd just let her get out the damn door. The food tempts her, and she, Ignacio, and Justin give Hilda a big balloon-filled surprise when she comes in the door. Hilda seems pretty nonchalant about her new job at Bumble and Bumble, though Justin wants to hear all about celebrity escapades like the time Beyoncé bitch-slapped Fergie. That time is known as "every day." Ignacio gives him a stern look, and Justin explains that there's no other word for it. It's true that "bitch-slap" and "bad-ass" and "WTF?" don't really count as swears. There's still an ongoing debate about "dingleberry." Betty tries to make a subtle exit, but the whole family ends up volunteering to go to the movie with her. She gives in and says that they should all stay home and celebrate...
...and then goes outside, where Henry is waiting behind the trash can, to tell him that she can't go. He already knows: "Your family is really loud." Henry is frustrated that Betty has so many friends who don't want her to be alone, and says that they see less of each other now than they did when they weren't going out. He wonders if it wouldn't just be easier to tell people that they're going out, but she says the utter stupidity of what they're doing makes this impossible. Plus, secret office love is hott. In the end, Henry has to put it back in his pants as Hilda beckons Betty back inside. There's nothing to kill romance more than being thrown over a railing and into a pile of trash, unless you're Oscar trying to impress Slimey with a nice, ripe Cabernet.
Back at the office, Christina holds up a microscopic bikini top meant to appear in the issue, and notes that, once again, summer isn't going to be kind to the big girls. Betty pays no mind, and instead embarks on an allegory about how sometimes you have a really good yet secret bottle of booze at home, and then even though it's bad for you, all you can think about is going home and drinking and drinking and drinking. For me, this is called "Tuesday." Christina thinks Betty's trying to stage an intervention, so Betty tells her to replace "booze" with "doughnuts." Just then Henry shows up. The two fidget awkwardly, and Christina realizes that Henry is Betty's doughnuts. Light on the dough. Christina thinks that it's crazy, yet hot. If I were a character in this show, I would totally be Christina. Betty complains that they never get to see each other and says, "We haven't even..." And...eek. I just had a picture of glasses clanging. This knowledge is too much for Christina, who offers to be Betty's cover for the night. She tells Betty to take the doughnut and bite it and dunk it into her coffee and get it hot and warm and wet and bite into it again. Okay, maybe I wouldn't be Christina after all.
Meanwhile, Daniel is explaining to Bradford how he lost the Atlantic Attire account because they wanted him to let Alexis go. Bradford can't believe Daniel couldn't think of a way to keep their business, and Alexis says that she has some contacts at Ralph Lauren from her time at Hudson. Daniel meekly says that he has contacts, too, but Bradford tells him that he's done enough, and that Alexis will take care of it. Didn't we go through this last season?
Betty runs into Gio, who hands her a flyer for Gio's Sandwiches. He's rented out the sandwich kiosk in the lobby. Since Betty lit his entrepreneurial fire by getting him fired, he gives her a few coupons, which she accepts with relish. Not literal relish, but now that she's got contacts in the sandwich industry, that might not be too far behind. She thinks the business needs a catchier name, and suggests "On a Roll" or "Hero Worship," complete with a little muscleman sandwich. Gio's all, "Thanks anyway, but I've got a pickle with a smiley face." Oh, I bet he does. Betty runs off to talk to Daniel, who is disheartened from his meeting as well as the fact that he's always the dumb-ass while Alexis saves everything. Alexis and Bradford walk by together, laughing, which seems odd, since she just remembered how he rejected her trans-formation and how she tried to put a hit out on him. Bygones, I guess. Daniel assures Betty that he has a plan to get advertisers. Betty has trouble believing the "plan" part.
Elsewhere, Amanda tries to catch up with Marc in Wili's office, but he's called a Code Fuchsia. Wili's daughter Nico called: she can't come to the wedding. When Wili marches in, in a foul mood, Amanda rushes off. Turns out Wili overshot her target weight, and with the wedding in ten days, her Vera Wang makes her look like a white silk sharpei: "And that diva Wang said there was no time to alter the boning." Marc asks what Wang knows about boning, anyway. Hee. To Marc's horror, Wili then unwraps a sandwich. She explains that she has to gain six pounds by Saturday to fill it out. Gazing at Betty, who's chowing down per usual, Wili ruefully says, "Look at her. She makes it seem so easy." Wili sniffs around and says she smells fear, which makes Marc admit that Nico got bitten by her pet monkey and can't make the wedding. Wili could actually give two shits, and is most worried about the seating charts. Marc points out that Nico is her maid of honor, and Wili says she has bigger problems, including the fact that Bradford wants "something called a Shania Twain" to perform at the reception. She tells Marc to find out what Betty is having for lunch and order her two. She has truly hit rock bottom, hasn't she?
Meanwhile, Betty goes to get Henry to "sign" something, and stagily drops it under the desk. The two pop under there,where Betty asks if Henry wants to go on a real date to see Wicked. Henry thinks this is wicked awesome. But not as awesome as when Betty adds, "And maybe afterward...the date could continue?" Betty raises a bushy eyebrow, and it is a seduction scene like you have not witnessed anywhere else. Something hits the underside of the table, and we can all hope it's Henry's head. But then, alas, Daniel catches them...
...and takes Betty to his office to give her grief about Henry, saying that he'd rather get rid of Henry than see Betty get her heart broken again. Betty wonders if Daniel's going to murder him, but happily, this is not the case. One never knows with this family.
At the front desk, Henry sends Amanda running when he sees Cliff coming. He pushes Cliff toward the elevator, and Cliff asks if they'll have dinner tonight at a locale other than one of their apartments. Marc rejects the notion of going to a restaurant, and Cliff says that he's starting to get a complex that Marc might not want to be seen with him. This complex is known as "the truth." Marc forgives Cliff's "foolishness," and hastily agrees when Cliff says that he'll get them a reservation at Craft. He gives Cliff a handshake instead of a kiss, noting, "You know the fashion world...very homophobic."
Betty, meanwhile, learns that Wicked is sold out. She starts to talk about her office romance on the phone to the ticket seller, and Daniel catches her. Betty, with her usual panache in lying, says that Daniel has nothing to worry about, because she's not dating Henry. She's dating the first guy in her line of sight, who coincidentally happens to be Gio. Technically, Gio could fit in Henry's pocket, so who's to say she hasn't unwittingly been dating both of them at once? Commercials.
When we return, Wili has more worries. Her chocolate reception favors have been ruined. There was supposed to be one white and one dark chocolate in each box -- to go with the ebony and ivory theme of the wedding, naturally -- but the idiot wedding planner has segregated them. Wili and Marc go through a round of "What do we want? Integrated chocolates! When do we want them? Now!" before Wili asks for the seating chart. Marc, noting how much she's taken on herself, offers to stay for the night and help her get through this, no matter how long it takes. She asks, "You don't have any of your...gay plans?" It seems like Betty and Henry have usurped the gay plans for the night, leaving Marc free...but for his date with his frumpy boyfriend. He tells Cliff on the phone that Wili ordered him to stay late, adding, "...She is. With a capital 'c.'" Wili's a member of the Carpenter family? Does her secret past know no limits?
Meanwhile, Henry tries to coerce Betty into looking under the bun of his sandwich. That is not a euphemism. Turns out he put the ad for Wicked in his turkey and swiss, because he got Betty and Gio tickets. He says that Mode has access to house seats, so Amanda can get tickets for just about anything. Betty is so excited that she eats Daniel's sandwich, likely practicing for the big, juicy donut she's planning to have for dessert later.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Justin is his old self, trading collectible Playbills with another neighborhood musical theater geek. A third friend comes in, and tells Justin that his dad saw Hilda at her work today. But not at Bumble and Bumble. Turns out his dad had lunch at a restaurant called High Beams. Justin's friend Hillary tells us, "It's like Hooters, just not as classy." Awesome. The dad took a video of his waitress, who is Hilda. Well, at least she already had a suitable wardrobe for this particular position.
At Mode, Betty ships Daniel off to a meeting with some advertisers before asking if she can have the Wicked tickets. He tells her he gave them to her boyfriend, who seemed quite excited. Just in time, Gio is there to ask Betty if, being her boyfriend at all, he's a gentle lover. Betty correctly says, "Ew," and then explains the situation. Gio taunts her into telling him who her secret lover is, and reveals that he knows Henry as "egg salad on white." That's what she said. And that makes no sense. Gio gives Betty one ticket, but says he's going to hold on to one for himself. Betty gets really mad, insults Gio's pickle, and tells him to suck it. Henry's really going to be looking forward to this date if he learns she's so into dirty talk. Betty nicely asks Amanda to get her tickets to Wicked, and Amanda agrees to do it if Betty walks Halston. For a month. In her bathing suit. And we've seen what the summer styles are like. This is when you just give up and resign yourself to a night starring on Taxicab Confessions. Commercials.
When we return, the ever-helpful yet gross Becks is there to hear Daniel's tale of a woeful meeting with the advertisers. Becks looks at the list of advertisers he's going after before saying that they have a winner with Sandra Winthrop, who owns a jewelry company. She's over fifty and foxy, says Becks. Daniel wonders if Becks is saying what he thinks he's saying, and Becks replies that if you want to land your advertiser, you have to land your advertisers. Soon he'll be asking why a raven is like a writing-desk.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Justin catches Hilda in a lie and gets her to admit that she's working at High Beams. Turns out she offered some "constructive suggestions" to one of the stylists at Bumble and Bumble and got canned. So now, she has to show her cans. She didn't want to tell her family because they were so proud that she was following her dream. But with salon offers hard to come by, she had to be practical. They needed the money more than she needed to follow her dreams, she says. Justin looks sad.
Meanwhile, it's time for a trip to the theater! Betty and Henry, dressed to the nines, enter the lobby and both agree that they can be out as a couple, because they don't know anyone there. Oh. Except Gio. He tells them not to worry, because he won't tell anyone about their secret thing. Betty asks if his date is some trampy blonde he met on the E train. Vicious queen alert! Gio says that maybe they'd like to meet her, and it turns out it's his pre-teen sister Antonella. Upon being introduced, Antonella asks Betty if she isn't a little old for braces. Awww, it's a little Amanda in training! Things get worse as Betty spies Daniel with Sandra, his cougar of a potential advertiser, played by Marlo Thomas! But I thought she was Lebanese? Wacka wacka. Betty sends Henry off with Antonella and grabs Gio. They make small talk with Daniel and Sandra, and Daniel notes that their seats are right to each other. I don't know how Betty and Henry possibly think that their relationship can become more doomed than it is now. As it happens, Antonella's not too keen about her new date, either. Commercials.
When we return, we're in the middle of Wicked. Henry and Betty text each other; Gio gags. Gio also notes to Betty that Daniel is putting the moves on Sandra, and has even gone so far as to implement the armrest boob graze. He would go for that move first. Betty asks Daniel what he's doing, and says he's better than this. Daniel says that Alexis might be better than this, but that the only trick he has up his sleeve is his golden pickle. Gio could maybe give him some wax paper to wrap that in.
Back at the office, Marc is giving Wili details of her wedding-day beauty appointments as she gnaws a chicken leg. Cliff shows up with dinner for two, which Wili summarily takes with a note to Marc to give Cliff five dollars for a haircut. Marc tells Cliff that Wili treats all white people like slaves -- something about payback. Amanda pops in, and there is an awkward moment before Marc introduces Cliff as his "friend." Cliff is outraged, and tells Amanda he is -- or was -- Marc's boyfriend. He tells Marc that he's pathetic, and that he has too much self-respect to put up with this. Instead, he's going home to binge on pasta. He could also insult Marc's pickle and tell him to suck it, but apparently he has too much class for those kinds of shenanigans.
Back at the theater, Gio slips an arm around Betty's shoulder arguing that, after all, he's pretending to be her boyfriend. Either he hasn't gone in for the boob graze yet, or Betty just hasn't noticed it. Antonella points out to Henry that Gio is totally macking on Betty, and Henry sends her a text that simply says, "Lobby. Now."
Once out of the theatre, Henry gives Betty the third degree. She says that this isn't the date she wanted to have, and Henry retorts that she sure does seem to be enjoying it. Hold up there, Mr. Sperminator. Betty correctly points out that he got another girl pregnant and has no right to be jealous. And then Henry also correctly points out that Betty always talks about how sad she's going to be when he leaves, but hasn't thought at all about how it's going to break Henry's heart when he has to leave her. God, I hate it when they're both right. And somehow, this is all still Daniel's fault. Commercials.
When we return, we're in the bathroom, where Amanda's grilling Marc about Cliff. Marc says he knows that Cliff isn't his type, and Amanda notes that it looks like Cliff ate his type. Oh, so mean! Marc says that what Amanda doesn't know is that he's really sweet, and that he wrote Marc a poem, and got Tyrese to call him on his cell phone, and has a belly button puppet named Mr. Gutley. He's not making a really good case with that last part. A tormented Marc wonders who he's become, and if he really should leave Cliff just because he doesn't use product. He says he doesn't want to end up sad and alone like Wilhelmina, whose own daughter made up an excuse not to go to her wedding. Amanda says that she thought Nico got bitten by a monkey, and Marc replies, "A monkey? Please. And Wilhelmina's marrying Bradford for love." They laugh and laugh until a toilet flushes and Wilhelmina walks out of a stall. This is indeed a pickle, and not the smiling kind. Wili just walks to the sink, washes her hands, and walks out without saying a word. It's always the silent pee-ers who end up making you feel like an asshole.
Back in Wili's office, Marc tries to appease Wili with pork rinds, to no avail. Marc starts to explain, but Wili cuts him off, saying that they're done for the night. She tells Marc that the reason she's put off finding another maid of honor is because she thought Nico would change her mind. Alas, Nico hates her. But, she says, Marc's wrong about her being alone. She has hundreds of backstabbing, two-faced superficial friends who are flying in from all over the globe to be part of this wedding, and any of them would be thrilled to be her maid of honor. She picks up the phone and says, "Wilhelmina Slater for Victoria Beckham, please." Oh, yeah, baby (spice)! I can't even tell you how excited I am for week. I'm shaking it to the left, 'cause I'm having a good time, and shaking it to the right, 'cause I know that I feel fine. This show is giving me everything, all the joy it brings, this I swear. Wili asks Marc whom he's bringing to the wedding, and he's excited to know he gets a plus-one. Wili coldly tells him she wouldn't want him to end up sad and alone. As if she needed another reason to hate white people. Sigh.
Back at his desk, Marc calls Cliff and tells him he screwed up.
Meanwhile, Betty is totally missing the show because she's wandering around the lobby. It's a good thing the tickets were free. As Elphaba sings something about not losing sight of who you are, Daniel looks kind of despondent. Similarly, Wili can barely bear to eat her chocolate cake as she looks at a photo of her and Bradford, and Hilda can barely bear to look at herself in the mirror in her light-up headlights tank top. Henry comes back out to the lobby, sits to Betty and almost kisses her, and who should come out to ruin things yet again but Daniel. Betty and Henry scurry off as Daniel drags Sandra into the coat room, giggling all the while. She says that she simply can't be seduced in a room of nylon and fleece, but she actually totally can. Alas, she won't be, because just in time, Daniel notices Betty's coat and says that Sandra's beautiful, but that he can't seduce her to get her to buy ads in Mode. Sandra says she's not letting him seduce her for her ads; she's letting him seduce her because he has a great ass. That Phil Donahue is one lucky man. Wait, is Phil Donahue dead? If so, that Phil Donahue was one lucky man. Daniel asks what he has to do to get her to advertise in Mode, and Sandra asks why she should move over from Glamour. Daniel gives her a sales pitch, and she tells him she'll have her ad rep call him in the morning. He suggests going out to celebrate, and she tells him he's a smart guy, but frankly, smart guys are a turn-off. Daniel wonders if he should be insulted.
Betty and Henry, meanwhile, are running around looking for a place to be alone. And somehow, they end up in the wings. They try to get out of the way, and wind up on a piece of scenery that appears to not be in use. They start to make out, as they are wont to do, when to their surprise, the scenery is pulled upward. Moments later, Betty and Henry descend on the stage, just like Cher singing "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." The actors, as well as the audience, including Gio and Daniel, are understandably surprised. Henry tells Betty to smile, because they're on Broadway, as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty and Henry are being kicked out of the theater. Henry can't believe they're banned from Wicked for life, while Betty can't believe Daniel saw them. She realizes that she forgot her coat and purse and tells Henry to run out and get a cab and she'll meet him. Daniel catches her and says she lied to him. She admits that she's dating Henry, and says she can't keep pretending anymore. Daniel tells her she'll get her heart broken, and she says it's her heart. Daniel says that he always thought Betty had good judgment, but now he can't understand why she's being so stupid. Oooh, doesn't he sound like a certain crusty old pickle we know and despise? Betty is hurt...
...and heads out to meet Henry on the street. And then Betty tells Henry that she's sorry, but she doesn't think she can do this. OH JESUS, MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY. I mean, every week! She then adds, "...Not tonight." Oh, maybe she was just talking about boning him for the first time. Very well, then, I guess I overreacted. But they can't keep jerking me around like this. It's frustrating even if it also means that Henry is also jerking himself around out of frustration.
Back at home, Betty talks to Hilda. She admits that tonight was supposed to be...you know, their very first picklefest. Hilda gives her a look, and Betty begs Hilda not to call her stupid, because she can't bear to hear that from her, too. Hilda says no, that Betty is stupid...she only has five months left with Henry and she's wasting it by talking to Hilda. She says that if she were offered one more minute with Santos, she wouldn't pass it up because it would hurt when it was over. Aw, Hilda is a good big sister! I mean, for once, but still. Hilda tells Betty that there's a man who loves her out there, and that she should go, because the clock is ticking. Betty heads out, excited, and notes that they might as well not tell Papi. Hilda says that she's romantic, not crazy.
Justin, meanwhile, grabs Hilda and takes her into the kitchen, saying that he had to tell Ignacio about the job. When she gets there, Ignacio whips the wrapping off of a hair-drying chair. It's for her new salon -- The Sweet Hairafter. Justin even sold some of his Playbills to finance it. Awww. They're going to set her up on the outside porch. Might that not be a seasonal type of business, then? They think it's time Hilda tries being her own boss, and if it doesn't work, she can fire herself. And will, I bet.
Betty, meanwhile, heads to Henry's apartment, still with the Wicked soundtrack playing. Could she not get some sexier music than "Defying Gravity" for the night when she finally consummates her love for Henry? A little Amy Grant, maybe, or the video of Debby Boone with the deaf kids? Maybe it's some weird role-playing thing. Well, at least they're not furries. They kiss, Henry pulls Betty inside, and someone's going to have green smudges all over his naked torso in the morning.
week: POSH! POSH! POSH!