Previously on Ugly Betty: As a result of Santos's death, Hilda was really sad and Justin started acting out. It seemed like Wili was losing her grip on Bradford, but we -- and Claire -- should have known those talons don't release easily. Daniel lost an advertising account when he defended Alexis from tranny-haters, and Wili played along because her new grand master plan is to destroy Mode and start up her own magazine. Oh, and the Henry sperm did in fact meet up with the Charlie egg, which means sad times for Betty.
On this last point, we begin with Betty on a bus, talking on her cell phone to Henry, also on a bus. Ah, I see where this is going. Henry wants to give their relationship a shot, but Betty knows that in five months, he's going to go back to Tucson and be all daddy-like, so she thinks it's best that they avoid each other until he leaves. Isn't this about the seventeenth time they've tried the strategy of avoiding each other? We can see how well it's worked up until now. They make plans to see as little of each other as possible, with conflicting lunch schedules and the like (though Betty of course has to make an adjustment for taco Tuesdays), but end up running into each other outside of the bus. That they were both on. Those crazy kids! Fate is on their side, except in matters of paternity.
Back at Casa De Suarez, Ignacio tries to tempt both Hilda and Justin with machaca. Hilda has a hot date with Santos at the cemetery, while Justin angstily says he has plans with his friends. Ignacio asks if he's going out for auditions for his school's production of The Music Man, but Justin says that the drama club is for losers. At the rate he's going, he's actually getting good experience to ace his audition for Kenickie in Grease. Ignacio points out that Justin actually started the drama club, but Justin gives an attitude-laden "Whatever," and he hands Hilda a slip to sign. Ignacio asks if Hilda knows what she just signed. She totally doesn't, but gives Ignacio the brush-off nonetheless. Why can't Ignacio ever get anyone to eat his food? Good thing his family is so glad to have him back from Mexico. His instincts are right, as Justin plans to take his little trampy girlfriend and delinquent friend for a ride tomorrow in lieu of the field trip that Hilda has just excused him from. Child delinquency begins with parent delinquency!
Back at Mode, Betty fills Daniel in on his calls. One was from Kathy Griffin, begging for a date. And Betty said no! I've never been so disappointed in her. Too bad Daniel isn't still a sexoholic, because Kathy would be all over that. Another was from Bradford, asking if Daniel and Alexis would come to dinner with him and Wili. Daniel does not relish the thought of having dinner with his future stepmonster and quips, "One big crappy family." And speaking of the stepmonster, she's called a meeting in her office to talk about the ad crisis that she, unbeknownst to others, has facilitated. Betty tries hard to avoid sitting to Henry in the meeting, which of course leads to her sitting right to Henry in the meeting. Wili reports that 52% of their advertisers have pulled out, which is exactly what Henry would have done if he were smart. Henry tells the group that Mode will be out of business in 90 days if things don't pick up.
But who cares about advertising crises when you can play tennis in the Hamptons? A Serena-ified Yoga tries to lure Claire onto the court, but she's too busy pouring herself cocktails and making up her mind to turn herself in. She breaks the news to Yoga by telling her the south of France might not be such a good idea, and Yoga replies that she's glad to hear Claire say that, because at the Piano Man's wine tasting, everyone said that Positano is the new Monaco. I knew Billy Joel was back on the sauce! Claire says that Daniel and Alexis still need her, and Yoga says that, in fact, she needs Claire, who is much more likely to have friends with an empty villa. But Claire can't be swayed. Yoga then wants to soothe her nerves by stealing stuff from their unknowing hosts. Diddy is going to be pissed when he finds his stuff is missing.
Back at Mode, Christina gives Betty the advice that she needs to start dating again as she measures the buttocks of a scantily clad male model. She really has the best job. Betty points out that you can't alter underwear, but Christina whispers that the models never catch on. She then suggests that Betty look online at Bachelocity.com. Betty, in assessing her own desperation, goes into a little fantasy sequence where she sees Henry in his boxer-briefs looking down on her from a podium of well-hung judgment. Hooya, is he packing some heat under those pocket protectors. Betty agrees that the internet might be the way to go as we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty's filling out her online profile, and Christina chides her for listing "donuts" rather than sex as something she can't live without. You get five spots, so I'd list sex AND donuts, and then donuts after sex. Christina tells her that people only pay attention to the photo anyway, and does a little shoot with Betty. It isn't going so well, and Amanda tries to give her some pointers, noting that guys don't make passes at girls who are fat. Hey, remember how Amanda was fat for a minute? Have some sympathy, hoss! Amanda tries to pass off a box with a sandwich in it as the Jimmy Choos she borrowed, and as Betty excitedly screams, "Ham!" Christina gets the profile photo of Betty's dreams. Well, the dreams that don't involve ham, which I suspect are few.
Meanwhile, Wili continues on her path to ruin Mode by telling Marc to go downstairs and supervise the Valentino shoot, which involves men in underwear. Nice work with the eye candy this week, show! Marc is happy, even though this means that Wili finds him incompetent. At the shoot, Marc starts to banter with the schlubby Seth Rogen-esque photographer, who finds it amusing that Marc slaps his own ass so hard that it hurts himself. I do this ALL THE TIME. I'm just always slapping my ass to make a point and getting a little overzealous. The photographer is Cliff St. Paul, and he gives a cute little smirk of interest as Marc heads off to set a model's underwear right side out. And I have to say...squeeeeeeeeeeee! Ah, I already want to be the ham in the middle of a Marc/Cliff sandwich.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Ignacio returns home to find three geriatric women on his couch. They're Hilda's new friends from the cemetery, and have also lost their husbands -- two by the same old same old heart attack/liver failure, and one by a stroke on a cruise. You don't get your money back, she says, which is one of the many factors that will cause me never to take a cruise. I saw the Dateline. The women, including Hilda, are making a quilt from their dead husbands' shirts. Three-quarters of that quilt will smell like mothballs.
Meanwhile, back at the flirty photo shoot, Cliff explains to Marc that his concept was inspired by Rear Window. Turns out Cliff is a Hitchcock buff. Marc, who has never seen Rear Window nor Psycho, is simply a cock buff, as he makes eyes at one of the underwear models. Cliff says that Marc has to go with him to see Psycho at the Film Forum tomorrow, and suggests having a beer first. Marc says it sounds like fun, but make it an appletini. Cliff looks kind of excited, but Marc is oblivious as he works up the nerve to ask out dumb underwear guy. He's so intent on it that he can't even join Amanda in mocking Betty's internet dating attempts.
Elsewhere, Wili suggests printing on rice paper and using soy ink to cut costs. Daniel and Alexis are skeptical, and Wili says that they both got the magazine into the advertising situation, but luckily she's there to "help." Wili's "help" always has quotation marks around it. She asks how they feel about free detergent samples. I'll tell you how I feel: Oooh! Free detergent samples.
Kenny, meanwhile, runs interference between Betty and Henry. He tells Betty that not even porn and malt liquor can heal the damage that she's inflicted. That's because Henry isn't Billy Dee Williams. Betty tells Kenny that he's from Greenwich, and to stop fronting. Christina comes over, and Kenny tells her to have her friend throw Henry a Betty biscuit before he leaves for Tucks-on. Kenny does have a point that Tucson is not at all pronounced how it's spelled. I have the same problem with Worcester, which I pronounced wore-cest-er for her. How you get "Woo-stah" out of that, I have no idea. But no matter, because Betty has a bunch of replies to her online dating profile! The bulk of them are from Amanda in the guise of "ilovetacos" and "ilovechurros," but a certain NiceGuy47 catches Betty's attention with an invitation to go bowling. Betty replies, and Christina tells her to reply again, because she's typed, "I love blowing." As you do. Commercials.
When we return, Hilda's new friend Rose Nylund is telling her all about how Carnival Cruise Lines put her husband in the freezer. It's good times until Justin steals Hilda's keys while she's listening to the ladies talk about the complaint letters they intend to write. It's true that you never get two scoops of raisins, even if the ones that are in there are sugar-coated balls of deliciousness. Hilda will not even notice that her keys are gone, given her new penchant for riding on the senior center bus.
Back at Mode, Daniel asks for Betty's opinion on the new, US Weekly-esque Mode. She suggests that he ask Bradford for money to save Mode and keep its integrity, but perks up when she sees the laundry detergent sample. A girl after my own heart. Daniel is reluctant to do so. He notes that Betty's wearing her lucky sweater, and she confesses that she has an appointment...at the bowling alley...with a boy. Daniel is proud of Betty for having a date. He would be prouder of her if her lucky sweater didn't have a scarf tied in a bow attached. She looks like Judy Bernly.
Claire, meanwhile, walks by Chekov's guns as she goes through her unknowing host's mail. She finds an invitation...from the Meades. Yes, it's an invite to Wili and Bradford's wedding, on the tenth of November. Well, at least this might prompt Claire to get out of her caftan.
At Casa de Suarez, Ignacio draws the line when Hilda puts Mabel's teeth in her purse. Hilda says that the ladies get her -- they know what it's like to be without the person you love. Ignacio points out that he does, too, but it can't mean that life stops. And, he points out, Hilda has a son who needs her. Hilda says she's fine, but for the shooting pain in her back. I'm sure a ringing endorsement for Ben-Gay is coming soon.
At Mode, Alexis proves, at the expense of her Dolce and Gabbana blouse, that soy ink does run. She tells Daniel that they know what they have to do. He's reluctant to tell Bradford that he lost half of their advertisers, but Alexis agrees to take the fall. As Bradford's "golden boy," she's sure she can get the money from him. Daniel says that Alexis always could get away with anything, and she excitedly runs off to try to get the ink off of her boobs.
Kenny, meanwhile, shares the news with Henry that Betty has a date! Henry looks worried as we cut to Betty -- a.k.a. CutieInQueens -- at Pinz bowling alley, where she meets Steve, a.k.a. NiceGuy47. The first thing he comments on are her adult braces. Oh, I don't think he's such a nice guy after all. 47, maybe. But nice, definitely not. He tells her that her picture was really good. Betty is oblivious, per usual. She's just ready to bowl, to bowl, to rock n' roll.
Back in the Hamptons, Yoga goes looking for Claire. She's gone, and so is the gun. When Yoga finds the wedding invitation, she puts it all together and starts to get worried.
Back at the bowling alley, Betty chatters while Steve notes that they have a lot of frames left. She gets a call from Christina to see how it's going, and he heads to the bathroom. Betty thinks that everything is going great, and notes that there have been no awkward pauses at all. Of course this is because she's been talking nonstop. Some people would find that endearing! Okay, deaf people. Christina hangs up because she's getting a message on Bachelocity.com. Exciting, until the message says, "You're not single." Christina replies that FishAndChicks, if that is indeed his real name, is a creepy stalker. He replies, "No I'm not. I'm your husband." D'oh! At the alley, meanwhile, Steve sees Betty drying out her pits on the air blower, and heads straight out the door. Hey! Sometimes a girl gets a little damp. And who is there, looking on and not being judgmental about the fact that the body needs processes to cool itself? Yes, it's Henry. Commercials.
When we return, Marc is crowing to Amanda about his date with Gus the underwear model. When she leaves, Cliff enters, noting that Marc's all dressed up. Cliff is wearing his best cat-hair-covered jacket. Knowing that he's a cat person just solidifies my love. Cliff mentions a plan for after the movie, and Marc tells him that he totally forgot and will have to take a rain check, since he has a date with Gus. Cliff can't believe it. He says he thought they were going out. Marc says that he and Gus are going on a date as opposed to, you know, what he and Cliff were going to do. Cliff looks hurt, and Marc actually looks like he feels bad.
Back at the bowling alley, Betty turns around from the victory of knocking down one pin to see Henry. She asks what he's doing there, and he says he's there for his accountants' league night -- his team is The Debitz. Betty says that she's on a date that's going really well. Henry asks if her date had a yellow shirt on, and then tells her that the guy got a phone call and had to leave. Because his pet bird was sick. With the bird flu. Oh, Henry. Henry asks if he can warm up in the lane to her, and Betty reminds him that they're supposed to be avoiding each other. The two agree that's not going so well, and agree to try to be friends. Again. But this time with bowling! As the alley lights dim and "Couples Bowl" starts, they agree that bowling sucks and take off. It's a good thing, because bowling is always a gateway activity, and I don't think Henry can afford to be a baby daddy times two.
Back at Mode, Marc apologizes to Cliff. Cliff starts to let him off the hook, but then confronts him about the blow-off. He's totally cute the whole time, even when he's telling Marc that he's a cliché, and that Marc dating Gus -- beauty and beauty -- is not a story. But add a little beasty Cliff and you've got the goods. Cliff tells Marc that he thought there was more to him, and that it was his mistake. He gets in the elevator. The only way this can end well is with Marc getting in there with him and saying, "Going doooown?" like the beginning of "Love in an Elevator."
Meanwhile, it's Meade Family Dinner time! Wili's actually wearing an apron. Bradford lays on a line about how they have dinner every Sunday. He takes Alexis's coat, and she gets a brief flashback. The shit is going to hit Bradford's bald skull right now. But before that happens, a bullet might actually hit Wili's, as Claire is in the bushes pointing a rifle at her. I bet Claire is a good shot, too. Commercials.
When we return, Wili makes the entire family put on Santa hats and take their holiday photo. Hers is secretly a Satan hat, but nobody is astute enough to notice. Daniel says they usually take the photo under the tree, with their real mother. Mature! As Alexis has another flashback, the photo catches Daniel rolling his eyes. Outside, Yoga confronts Claire, who says that Wili did what she never could -- brought together Bradford and the kids as a family. That's all she ever wanted, she says, and she adds, "Lets go to Italy." If by "Italy" she means "inside to bitch-slap Wili," that is a good move.
Back at Casa de Suarez, there's more with Hilda and the octogenarians. Their sleepy bliss is interrupted by Hilda's friend Rita the cop bringing Justin to the house -- he crashed their car into a tree. Rita says this one's between them, but Hilda has to keep an eye on Justin, because she's seen this kind of thing spiral. The uniform must knock some sense into Hilda, because she comes to her senses and kicks the oldsters back to Shady Pines.
At the Meade Manse, Alexis starts to talk to Bradford about the magazine, but Daniel won't let her take the fall. He explains that he lost Atlantic Attire, which led to a substantial advertiser pull-out. Bradford won't let Daniel, or Alexis, explain, and starts to go on a scary bad-dad tirade about how worthless Daniel is. You know what might have been the first step in Bradford's scheme to pretend he was dad of the year? Not screaming at his kids. This leads to more flashbacks for Alexis, who remembers Bradford telling her (when she was Alex) that she's dead to him. What Claire should have learned by now is that you always stay at least for the first course, because that's when things start to get interesting.
And speaking of first courses, Betty and Henry are apparently in the mood for Italian. It's date night, and a violinist and rose peddler pass by the table. Betty has to tell them that Henry knocked up another lady so they'll leave them alone. Henry confesses that hearing that Betty was on a date made him jealous. The whole scene is a little much for her, and she tries to leave. Henry somehow ends up on a knee, which makes the rest of the restaurant think he's proposing. Betty tells Henry she can't do this and walks out as we head to commercials. And she never even had the pleasure of finding the ring in her mozzarella stick!
When we return, an ill-looking Alexis confesses to Daniel that she remembers everything, and is furious that Bradford has been lying to her when before the accident he hated her. Daniel says that Bradford saw the accident as a way to start over. And speaking of the accident, Alexis confesses that she had someone cut the brakes on Bradford's car, so it's really her fault. Now it's Daniel's turn to be furious. Alexis says she's sorry, and begs Daniel not to tell him. Daniel says Bradford wouldn't believe him anyway. They really do put the "funk" in dysfunctional.
Hilda, meanwhile, finally talks to Justin. He gives her some sass about her finally wanting to be a mother again, but relents when she says that she'd do anything in the world to bring Santos back. She tells Justin it's just the two of them, and she's getting scared because they're moving apart. Hilda says that the way Justin has been acting is not him, and Justin replies that he just wants Santos to be proud of him. Hilda tells him that Santos was and is proud of Justin just the way he is. The two have a good cry, and this hopefully means that we'll see the Justin we know and love week.
Meanwhile, guess where Marc is? At Cliff's apartment! That's a Cliff-banger for ya! Cliff does a little "you picked me over an underwear model" dance, and the two cozy up on the couch to watch Psycho. Marc holds an appletini, the two play footsies, and all is right in the world.
Elsewhere, Betty walks home and gets a call from Henry, who doesn't want things to end like this. Betty asks if that's why he followed her all the way home. Busted! He's right behind her. Henry, so sweet, says that no, he followed her because he doesn't like her walking alone at night. Awww. If he were in his underwear again right now, he'd be the perfect guy. Betty doesn't want him to be so nice, because it makes it harder for her to walk away from him. He says they've tried avoiding each other, and tried being friends, and nothing has worked. He asks if she wants him to leave Mode, and her silence speaks volumes. He says he'll give his notice on Monday. Betty heads inside as Henry looks hurt. He stares after her for a moment, then turns to leave. And then, lo! A week before Halloween miracle! Betty comes back outside and says there's another option. And then plants one on Henry! She says she know she's leaving in five months, and that everyone will say it's a big mistake, and that she's going to get her heart broken. But maybe it's worth it. Henry asks if she's sure. Oh, she's sure. In fact, I think she's sure with tongue. Hot lovin' for everyone!