Previously: Henry left for Tucson with Charlie, who claimed to be having his baby, but in fact might be bearing the illicit love child of Dr. Farkas. Amanda learned she is the daughter of Fey Sommers and an unknown sperminator. (Maybe she's the illicit love child of Dr. Farkas as well?) Ignacio was stuck in Mexico. Wili schemed to get control of Meade enterprises, much to Claire's chagrin. Alexis awoke from her coma surprised to learn she had hacked off her boy parts. Henry showed up in New York. And, of course, Santos got shot.
We enter a Mode staff meeting, in which Wilhelmina walks around reading a statement about pulling together in difficult times, like a family. Betty reaches back for a bagel off of the food table and ends up knocking everything over. Well, it's not like any of those skinny bitches was going to eat the croissants anyway. Turns out that what Wili was reading was the letter from the editor going in the newest issue of Mode, commenting on the Meade family misfortunes. Betty wonders if the letter from the editor shouldn't be written by...well, the editor, who happens to be Daniel. Alexis tells "pie-eyed, pie-eating" Betty that Daniel's been through a lot and needs a break. Betty tries to protest that he's fine, but Wili shuts her down.
Cut to the hospital, where Betty learns from Daniel that Alexis has partial retrograde amnesia, and has blanked out on the past two years. She doesn't remember becoming a woman, but seems to be enjoying squeezing her new boobs. Her enthusiasm is infectious, as Betty starts squeezing her own real and fabulous rack. Alexis also doesn't know that Bradford rejected her, that Bradford and Claire are divorcing, that Claire is a wanted criminal, or that Bradford and Wili are getting married. Well, if they had a family that just did normal stuff like mini-golfing on the weekends, there wouldn't be so much to explain. Betty tells Daniel of Wili's power maneuvers, and talks him into looking at the book for the newest issue, which she has yet to acquire. She leaves, and Alexis calls Daniel in, asking if there's something he wants to tell her. I guess hearing about your fugitive criminal mother on Fashion TV might lead to that reaction.
Meanwhile, Marc has a lock of Amanda's hair in one Ziploc bag, and Bradford's ear hair in another Ziploc bag. DNA test results to come! Amanda stares at a photo of Fey and wishes she'd gotten to know her mother better. Marc points out that Amanda really wants to know Fey's estate better, and Amanda tells him she should be learning about any potential riches soon.
At Casa de Suarez, Hilda has a bunch of boxes of Santos's stuff, all of which is really tacky. This, of course, means that Hilda loves everything. She gives Justin a brown bag lunch for the first day of his Mode internship, but he's too cool for PBJ. She tells him she's proud of him, and that Santos would be, too.
Back at Mode, Marc enters Wili's office only to be encountered by former NBA star and former husband of Vanessa Williams Rick Fox! Hey! He's her bodyguard, Dwayne, there to protect Wili from Claire Meade and whatever bottle of face-disfiguring acid she might throw around like Gatorade. Marc tests out Dwayne's protection skills by pretending that Betty is Claire. Hee. Wili refuses to give Betty a copy of the book for Daniel. She does, however, tell Marc to confirm her lunch with Nora Ephron and give Dwayne a set of her house keys. Marc takes keys off a ring in his desk drawer. Betty tries to get the book from Marc, but he tells her he couldn't give it to her if he wanted to -- it's in Wili's apartment. Betty, plucky and full of the spirit of breaking and entering, steals a copy of Wili's key from Marc's drawer. As she turns around, who does she run into? Here's a clue: the name rhymes with "benry."
After a commercial break, Henry explains that he's planning on going back to Tucson, and that all is going well with baby-planning. He's excited about becoming a father, which really is a whole lot more interesting than being an accountant. Henry couldn't find a good job in Tucson, and enjoys Meade's benefits, so he's planning on taking his old job back, if Betty has no objections. She does, but tries to cover up by saying they can just be buddies. This sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Betty unleashes her true feelings to Christina as the two walk down the street. Christina thinks that Betty should tell Charlie that the baby might not be his. Betty manages to utter the line "down with babies!" and call Charlie a slut in the course of about ten seconds, which is awesome. She says that she has enough to deal with, given Ignacio stuck in Mexico, and that she's not going to be the person to break up Henry's family. Christina is disappointed in this, but not at all disappointed that the two of them will be breaking into Wili's apartment.
Meanwhile, Justin needs a reprieve from the fascinating intern activity of sharpening pencils for Betty. He checks in with Marc, who makes him fetch a pen that he throws, and then asks if he has any interest in updating Wili's contacts. I hope that's not a euphemism, because Justin is seriously underage.
At the reception desk, Amanda gets a visit from Fey's lawyers. Turns out the bulk of Fey's stuff was auctioned off for charity after her death. But one treasure remains: Fey's beloved hairless ugliest-dog-in-the-world-breed dog, Halston. Amanda wants none of him until she learns that Halston's caretaker gets $1,000 a week. Halston is so low-rent compared to Leona Helmsley's bitch.
Back at the hospital, Bradford says he has no problem telling Alexis the truth about what's going on, so Daniel tells him to have at it.
Meanwhile, Christina and Betty sneak into Satan's Boudoir to find the book. First, they find a photo of Wili and Dick Cheney, which solidifies her evil stature nicely. As Christina looks for a coat made of Dalmatian puppies, Betty grabs the book. But alas! There is a noise. Wili's back, with a man in tow. Betty and Christina assume it's Wili and Bradford, there for an afternoon delight. They scramble under the bed, and I understand the value of bedskirts for the first time. Wili tells her male companion that Nora Ephron's been covering her daytime romps for years. I will never be able to watch When Harry Met Sally... in the same way again. Betty and Christina see a very brown leg from their vantage point, and realize that Mr. Meade and Little Bradford are not in attendance. Turns out Wili's boinking the bodyguard. Dwayne asks if he can be on top this time, and Wili tells him not to be stupid before throwing him down on the bed. I wonder if that brought traumatic flashbacks for Rick Fox.
When we return from commercials, we learn that Wili and Dwayne have been going at it for two hours. So that's how she maintains that flawless complexion! When they finally finish Wili coos, "Well...that was relaxing," in a way that cracks me up. It may interest you to know that Wili prefers to make love while wearing a gigantic necklace. She and Dwayne make their way to the shower, and Betty and Christina make their escape.
Back at the hospital, Alexis yells at some baseball game on TV, and this leads to her and Bradford starting to bond. ...Awwww?
Meanwhile, at Mode, Justin has found a new mentor. Marc tells him to get ready, because Shakira's contract stipulations of the "only green M&Ms" variety are on their way.
Hilda talks to Ignacio on the phone, and he comforts her about Santos. Hilda admires Santos's bowling pin lamp and tells Ignacio about all the stuff she's acquired from his apartment. Ignacio tells Hilda how he wanted to keep everything of her mother's after she died, but then realized that he didn't need all of that stuff, because he had her heart. So the only thing he ended up keeping was an old receipt from the night they got engaged. Well, there's an artifact to pass down to the grandkids. I'm sure Justin would have rather had some of the vintage wardrobe items. In other news, Ignacio is really, really ready to go home, and is planning to cross the border illegally. Again. Isn't that what got him into all this trouble to begin with? Clara tells him she might know someone who can help.
At Mode, Justin has found everything on Shakira's list but a particular brand of rice cakes, which Marc calls the scourge of many a celebrity assistant, not to mention the cause of a Madonna Speed-The-Plow tantrum. He tells Justin he has twelve more hours before he has to bring them to the Shakira photo shoot. Justin is really excited that he gets to go to the shoot, but gets sad when he almost says that he can't wait to tell his dad. Marc has a really nice moment with Justin, and tells him it's okay to be happy, and to enjoy the fact that he did a great job today. Awww! He'd be the best gay dad, too. Amanda enters and bemoans the fact that Halston is sick and she has to be a caregiver. She says that it's almost like she'd be better off getting rid of him, and a lightbulb goes off above their heads.
Meanwhile, Daniel gives Bradford the dozens for not being honest with Alexis, about his feelings about the sex change as well as the fact that he's marrying Wili. Bradford gives him some business about getting a second chance and wanting to fix the mistakes he made. Daniel doesn't seem to be buying it.
In family turmoil of a different nature, Betty has a dream conversation with Ignacio as she weighs her options. She thinks she ought to trust in the system to get Ignacio his visa, and to be truthful with Daniel. And hey, good point. The government is totally trustworthy these days. ["I got mines! Thanks, INS!" -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, Henry asks Christina if he did anything to make Betty mad. Christina tells him that Betty's not mad; she's confused. Henry still clearly loves Betty, but feels obligated to Charlie. Christina takes matters into her own skilled hands and tells Henry that she's got something to tell him about Charlie and the baby. Well, finally.
And now, back to the bitches. Amanda and Marc take Halston to the pound, but once they realize how gross it is, Amanda can't bear to give the dog away. She tells Halston that he may be mangy and disgusting with a weird rash on his butt -- or maybe that is his butt -- but he's the only connection she has to her mother. Going along with the theory that dogs and their owners tend to look alike, I'm guessing that Fey had one welty, rashy butt. Perhaps this, more than the immaculate feet, is what drew Bradford in.
Speaking of Bradford, Daniel wants to tell Alexis the truth about their stank rashy butt of a father. When he sees how happy it makes her to think that he and Bradford are there for her, it gives him pause. She asks how they got into their accident, and Daniel lies that a deer ran out in front of them. Bradford comes in, and they're like one big happy family, except for the part where Daniel and Bradford continuously exchange suspicious looks.
On his way home, Justin spots the special Shakira rice cakes in a convenience store. Nay, in THE convenience store. The clerk recognizes Justin, and tells him that Santos saved his life and was a hero. He says that Santos was a good man, and that Justin must be just like him. Justin says that no, he's not, and walks out.
Meanwhile, in other Suarez family drama, Betty sees Daniel wheel by and says she has to tell him something. But before she can, she gets a call from Ignacio, who tells her that he's going to attempt the dangerous and illegal feat of crossing the border. Betty is upset and asks him to not do anything yet. She tells him she knows how to get him home. She enters Wili's office at 4:58, and becomes yet another soul-selling notch on Wili's Botox needle.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Hilda tells Justin to pick one thing of Santos's that he loves. He passes by a rubber lizard before settling on a basketball. Uh-oh. This spells trouble.
At Mode, Daniel gives his feedback on the book, and Wili says that he's right, he's back, he's the editor in chief, and she made a mistake. Daniel's cool with that. On her way out, Wili tells Betty that she hears her father's coming back on Thursday, and that she should give him her regards. And I mean, Betty's totally doing the right thing. She should just get Christina to blab about the afternoon delight like she blabs about everything else. Daniel, because he is the king of the addle-brained clueless guilt trip, tells Betty that she's the one person at Mode he can truly trust. Betty is like a burrito full of guilt right now.
Wili, on a deception high, tells Bradford that she just got off the phone with Cavalli, who's working on Bradford's wedding tux and flying himself in for the fitting. Bradford tells her that, with Alexis in the hospital, he's not sure if this is a time for a giant party. Even worse, he doesn't want to downsize the wedding; he wants to postpone it. And to think Wili almost traded Marc in to get the date of her choice! He says that he and Alexis are bonding, and Wili feigns enthusiasm, weakly. She's even less thrilled that Bradford hasn't told Alexis about her. Bradford asks if Wili still loves him, and she says, "Always," before giving him the cheek when he tries to kiss her. Bradford asks if she's sure she's all right, and Wili says she's fine as the fire in the fireplace surges behind her.
Then Wili takes out her aggression by beheading some mannequins on the roof, this time with real thunder.
Betty arrives home, and Hilda excitedly tells her that Ignacio is coming home. This time it's Betty who has to feign enthusiasm. Twice, really, as Hilda then proceeds to show her Santos's bowling-pin lamp.
And then, remember how some guy wanted to kill Ignacio? Well, that guy shows up just as Ignacio is packing. This family really cannot catch a break.
We jump back to Betty at home, where there is a maniacal pounding at the door. Turns out it's Henry, who tells Betty that Christina spilled the news that the baby might not be his. Henry is wasted off of, like, a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. He says he drank milk first to coat his stomach. What that sounds like to me is some murky tartar sauce vomit. Anyway, now that he knows his pregnant girlfriend is a cheater, Henry totally wants to get back with Betty. Oy, will these two just make up their minds already? Henry says, "I want to be with you, Betty," and goes in for the kiss. Betty looks troubled and conflicted as we fade to commercials. And I mean, what fun would it be if these two got their happiness on in the second episode of the season? What would we even do?
week: hey, is that Rico?????